Parental Alienation

Burnt Toast

2012-01-02T10:26:00.003-06:00

I knew I had not posted in some time, but did not realize how long it has been since I posted on this blog. Over the year I have been reestablishing a relationship with my son and reflecting upon myself and thoughts. Sorry for the lapse in publishing. To be beneficial to my followers and to others, I needed this time.

What does burnt toast have to do with parental alienation? Well burnt toast does not, but hopefully the analogy will cause one to reflect. I found this quote and realized it makes sense.
"If you get upset when the toast burns, what are you going to do when your house burns down?"

My ex, did everything in his power to anger me and he was successful many times. This in turn started feelings of anger towards my son, due to his reactions of what his dad was doing. My son was reacting the way his dad wanted and my response gave them validation to continue their campaign of degradation. When I was able to put into perspective of what was important to me, I was finally able to work on reestablishing a relationship.

So back to the burnt toast. I hate it when I am craving some toast and jam and I go through the steps to prepare this and fail to pay attention and burn my toast. So I throw away the burnt toast and start over. If I am set on the perfect piece of toast and do not achieve that, I may end up going through a whole loaf of bread. The same applies to achieving a successful outcome to parental alienation.

It won't be perfect. But why waste your time and anger over trying to achieve the perfect piece of toast? Before you know it, you could go through your whole loaf of bread seeking perfection and in the meantime burn down your house losing all the precious memories.

Getting your children back, takes alot of patience and tolerance. Things have changed and it will never be the same. Having your children return means that you can start new and build a new relationship, while allowing them to remember the good times in the past in their own time.

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year and strength to endure the tribulations of parental alienation.

Quotes of the day...parenting

2011-01-16T09:28:00.002-06:00

Children desperately need to know - and to hear in ways they understand and remember - that they're loved and valued by mom and dad.
Paul Smally

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
Angela Schwindt

Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence.
Plato

If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.
Brian Tracy

The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day.
Orlando A. Battista

Children are not our property, and they are not ours to control any more that we were our parents' property or theirs to control.
Richard Bach

Parents must get across the idea that "I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior."
Amy Vanderbilt

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
Michael Levine

While I feel that all these quotes are very moving, the last three really strike a chord if you are a target parent. Unfortunately in some custody cases, parental alienation becomes very apparent. Quite often one parent, often the alienator, uses the children as property that is to be divided in a settlement. A caring parent would always have the child's best interest at hand. That can be difficult especially when one spouse is very mean. You may be divorcing your spouse, but the children did not ask for this. They also are very scared of their life being disrupted and one parent purposely denying their children access to the other parent is extremely harsh. If you are an alienating parent the greatest disservice you can do for your children is to talk badly about the other parent, convince them to hate the other parent, encourage them to hate them, lie to them and to restrict access to the other parent. Those actions are not one of a parent.

I remember growing up and experiencing some actions of alienation by my mother. Although, I did not know the term alienation or even tied it to alienation until recently. There was a time in my childhood that my mother was contemplating divorce, I think. I got to hear all kinds of bad behaviors that my dad did to her and to me, although I do not remember any of these actions or behaviors. What I do remember is being angry with my mom for trying to get me to hate my dad. While my parents did not divorce, I do remember this vividly.

My advice for the day to any alienating parents out there. You can continue to be an alienator and while you may win the immediate battle, you will end up losing in the end. Your children one day will look back, question actions, seek out answers and you may not like what returns to you. If you are a target parent, continue to love your children, hide the hurt from the painful words and never give up.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Quotes of the day

2010-12-05T14:14:00.001-06:00

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate. — Thomas della Peruta

"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”----- Coretta Scott King

These two quotes surely give you something to think about. Hate is such a strong word that evokes emotion. What is hate? Is it the statements of "I hate peas and will not eat them", is it "I hate not having enough money and wish I had a job that paid better"? I think those two statements are more of annoyances that anything else. If I hated peas so much and saw that they were served at a meal, I would make a scene. If I hated not having enough money, I would quit my job. Both of those options are extremes, so therefore I have to say my hatred of peas and not enough money are annoyances and something I can live with. I do nothing to spread my hate of these two things. I do not go on a pea hating campaign and I do not trash my job.

We often use the term "hate" loosely. From hating peas or other vegetables, hating curfews placed upon us as teens by parents, to hating rules that govern us at work, we have at one time or another professed our hatred. In actuality, these scenarios more accurately describe a strong aversion or dislike of the situation or vegetable at hand.

One of the things that is common about the perceived hatred of people, food, and things is fear. We don't know about a different culture or race or we have not tried a food that looks different, so there is a fear of the unknown and hence the word "hate" enters. It is not hate, it is a fear of the unknown.

But when a child states they hate their parent, what is it? Is it real hatred because a teen is grounded because they disobeyed? Is it real hate when a young child says "I hate you" because they did not get their way? I do not believe so. I think those are words spoken by a child because they know it hurts you so much, but deep down they still love you.

When a child in a divorce situation whom you have always had a positive relationship with suddenly professes their hatred for you, not only by words but by actions, this is hatred. How could a child hate the other parent so much? If you are not guilty of abuse, physical, sexual or emotional, then where does this hatred arise from. Children are not born to hate, but the seeds of hatred are sown by the parents. Be it to hate another race, religion, or person. In cases of parental alienation a child may be manipulated by a parent who wants to punish the other, or for custody. They are emotionally blackmailed by the alienator. Children are abused so that a partner can gain an advantage. These tactics fit a description of abuse.

Children are not born to hate, they are taught it. Any parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child. Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

getting ready for the holidays

2010-11-22T18:52:00.001-06:00

taking a short break so I can shop and you may wish too as well. Shopping at Amazon.com

blackfriday

Life’s a journey - not a destination

2010-11-06T14:15:00.003-05:00

Today as many days, I listen to songs and I have listened to this one several times. Trying to decipher if this is a song that I can verbalize to others. Oh what the heck! I am going to give it a shot!

the lyrics

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain

And when I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick n’ tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishing that I would die

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It’s amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m saying a prayer
For the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot’s a Permanent Vacation
And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen
To all that righteous talk
I was out on the street
Just tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive

“So, from all of us at Aerosmith to all of you out there, wherever you are.
Remember- the light at the end of the tunnel
may be you. Goodnight!

I understand this song was made during their days of drug and alcohol abuse. I also am interpreting it the way I am feeling at this time. I also understand that this song refers to a higher power. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, I am not here persuade you. I am just hopefully offering some insight and hope.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins

My first thoughts were how I did not listen to others in my choice of my man. How others told me he was so wrong for me. Relationships were not working for me and "he" was the one for me. I could not listen to others. So glad I had my angel of mercy watching over me, as I would not realize how much the angel was needed.

There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain

Never gave this much thought till now. Alienators try to make you feel crazy, insane, unstable. You are so confused. You are hurting due to many things. You are living a life of emotional pain.

And when I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn’t get out the door

Alientaors will push you to limits and beyond. You hit rock bottom, thinking you can handle things, but you can't.

I was so sick n’ tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishing that I would die

what lie was I living? The lie that was made for me by the alienator. Did I wish i could die? Oh gosh many times....it had to be easier then the hell I was living.

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It’s amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you’ll be alright

Not a blink of the eye if you are currently being targeted by the alienating parent. But as time has passed...I have to say a blink of an eye. Why? If one dwells and gets caught up in the moment and does not progress...you may not progress. That moment, if and when it arrives may not be what you wanted. As you look back, you will realize that you have arrived and will be alright.

And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk

Wow! some powerful words!

So in closing. I have made bad choices..am so glad to have my angel of mercy watching over me. You have to learn to crawl sometimes again so you can walk. It is amazing what persistence, faith and determination can do. Never give up! Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T11:46:00.002-05:00

Halloween...is a holiday that's celebrated annually on the night of October 31. It originated in Ireland. The word itself, "Halloween," actually has its origins in the Catholic Church. It comes from a contracted corruption of All Hallows Eve. November 1, "All Hollows Day" (or "All Saints Day"), is a Catholic day of observance in honor of saints. But, in the 5th century BC, in Celtic Ireland, summer officially ended on October 31. The holiday was called Samhain (sow-en), the Celtic New year. The custom of Halloween was brought to America in the 1840's by Irish immigrants fleeing their country's potato famine. At that time, the favorite pranks in New England included tipping over outhouses and unhinging fence gates. The custom of trick-or-treating is thought to have originated not with the Irish Celts, but with a ninth-century European custom called souling. On November 2, All Souls Day, early Christians would walk from village to village begging for "soul cakes," made out of square pieces of bread with currants. The more soul cakes the beggars would receive, the more prayers they would promise to say on behalf of the dead relatives of the donors. At the time, it was believed that the dead remained in limbo for a time after death, and that prayer, even by strangers, could expedite a soul's passage to heaven.

Now that you have had your little history lesson about Halloween......

Halloween....whether you and your children celebrated it or not..you may have memories of the night. Doorbells ring, children dressed as ghosts, goblins and their favorite cartoon characters reciting the "trick or treat" mantra, in hopes of receiving a treat from your home. Perhaps you dressed your children up and went walking through your neighborhood and your children came home with more candy than they needed. The whole point of Halloween for me was doing something special with my son. Something he looked forward to until he became too old to trick or treat. Now that he is an adult, I miss those cold, dark nights bundled up to fend off the cold and walking from home to home with him.

So tonight when your doorbell rings and a cute little character recites "trick or treat", give then a great treat, smile and enjoy the little ones. There may be a parent who is celebrating their last Halloween with their child tonight.

Most of all, be safe, stay warm and check your child's candy before they eat it. Sad world we live in that one has to do this.

best interest of the child?

2010-10-25T06:40:00.002-05:00

The best interests of the child is something parents hear about in custody cases. It is the doctrine used by most courts to determine a wide range of issues relating to the well-being of the children. I am sure we have read over the guidelines used in determining what is the best interests of the child. There are two guidelines I find are conflicting, when parental alienation is present. The capacity of each parent to allow and encourage frequent and continuing contact between the child and the other parent, including physical access and the preference of the child.

When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent often limits contact or refuses contact between the children and other (target) parent. The children are brainwashed against the other (target) parent and many times will tell the court that they do not want to see the target parent. This is where the problem lies with the courts. They fail miserably in cases of parental alienation. I do not believe that judges and attorneys are clueless to the actions of parental alienation. I believe they have been well aware of this phenomenon for years, but the current penalties that judges can impose are useless. One can file contempt charges against the alienating parent, but I have found that getting the case heard is difficult. I had my contempt cases rescheduled several times because my ex would have a "reason" why he could not attend court that day. The judges also get irritated when one parent seems to file contempt proceedings as well. As time goes on, the child is being programmed more and more against the target parent. Then the judge listens to the child who states they want nothing to do with you, they hate you and more. I had counseling ordered, but my ex refused to attend. By the time all was said and done, I had a child who wanted nothing to do with me, told the judge he refused to live with me and would run away if forced to live there. The judge felt his hands were tied. Instead of the judge making that decision, I had to allow my son to live with his dad, so I would not have to deal with a runaway.

Alienating parents use the children as accomplices in a crime of hate. The alienating parent will say, I tried to make them see you, but they refuse. Where are the adults in this? When did a minor get to state what they want and have it granted? This is not about a gift they wish for and hope they get it. This is about having contact with the parents who love them.

The courts are doing a great disservice to parents by allowing the "preference of the child" to dominate custody cases. The courts fail to act upon the blocking of access properly.

Studies show time and time again that children benefit from having contact with both parents. This is barring any verifiable and documented cases of TRUE abuse, not the abuse claims made by the alienating parent and by the children who are vague in details or way too knowledgeable of details based upon their age. You may not like your ex and most likely do not if they are an ex now. That does not mean they are now a terrible parent. Children benefit from having contact, love and a stable relationship with both parents. One parent who attempts to sabotage this as a means for revenge is wrong.

The courts need to step up to the bar (pardon the pun) and put a stop permanently to the actions of parental alienation.

When did the best interests of the child mean denying them access to both parents?

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!

Yanni at the Acropolis - Until The Last Moment...

2010-10-24T14:46:00.001-05:00

Some days I listen to songs to sing along, other days to be cheered up by a familiar tune. Sometimes I am searching a relaxing melody so I can lose myself in a thought. I like many genres of music, but many times I seek out a classical type of music. So today I was searching youtube for some Yanni videos. OK call me cheesy...But I came across this one and had to listen many times to hear what he says at the beginning of the video. That lead me to googling quotes by him. I came across the following.

No matter what happens in life, never lose sight of who you are.

My father taught me that one of the most important abilities in life is to be able to take the pain and persevere, and for years this lesson had served me well.

this is what he says in this video:
Sometimes we get caught up in our troubles and our problems and we let life slip away, but life is precious, all of life, and one must try to take in as much of it as possible

parenting during alienation

2010-10-24T10:00:00.002-05:00

One could say that parenting a child while being a target in an alienation case is an oxymoron. How does a parent be a parent during this? How do we as parents correct the abhorrent behavior that our children have? Any correction or punishment of their behavior only adds fuel to the alienation and to the alienating parent. Grounding your child sends the message that you are the bad parent, because the other parent is constantly instilling that message to them. Your children could be told things such as, see I told you your mom/dad doesn't let you do anything, see I told you your mom/dad is always grounding you and more.

So what does a parent do? I don't have a blanket answer and what has worked for me may not work for your case. Target parents are looking for advice and are willing to do what it takes to overcome this as well. You may be wondering what was my "secret" to finally have my son start coming around. There is no secret or special formula. But I can talk about my case and hope that what I have gone through and done helps other target parents. This is my goal, to help other target parents overcome the alienation and to reconnect with their children. My other goal is to have the legal system and counselors recognize this alienating behavior for what it is.

One piece of advice that I got was to "pick my battles". Pick my battles? What are you talking about? How many can I choose?

Let me state that I was not aware of the term parental alienation until after my son accused me of abusing him after a weekend visit in the summer. He spent the summers with his dad and for years all went well, or so I thought. This particular year 2005, things changed. We had a good weekend considering all the problems that happened that weekend. I was kissed goodnight, hugged and told that I was loved by my son. Looking back, I have to wonder if the problems were not part of a plan. I would later find out that my son was told that he could tell the judge where he wants to live and the judge has to listen to him if things change at mom's home. Prior to this weekend I had a son who was considerate, empathetic, sympathetic, loving, giving, respectful and always striving for a bigger goal academically. My son did not have a strong relationship with his dad. I fault his dad for this because his dad was always too busy with work and other activities to take time off to attend school functions and more. My son hated this and always made excuses for his dad, such as his dad's work is important and dad did not get enough notice to change his work schedule. I hated that my son thought this, but I never told him different. I just agreed that his dad had an important job. His dad never called on a regular basis and that bothered my son. But again, there was always an excuse. What I hated about the summer extended visits was that my son was not spending the time with his dad, but spending it with the new wife or girlfriend or in a daycare setting. His dad did have to work and did well in his job, but I never saw any efforts on his part to set aside special time for his son. Our son spent his time with others instead of his dad during the summer.

After that weekend, as I call it, my life turned upside down and things changed drastically and seemingly overnight. Now my list of "pick my battles" was overwhelming. So what were the battles I thought I had to pick from? If you recall I have stated that my son did not get phone calls from his dad. Now he was getting calls up to 15 times per day. Not that it is bad, but it is a dramatic change from previous behavior of his dad. My son was going to his room to talk, but he was slamming shut a door to his room and locking it. Behavior that was also a dramatic change. When I asked that he did not slam his door, he would slam his door again. Asking my son to help set the table for dinner was now met with words of "you can't make me". Dinner was a major and stressful time. He would literally shovel his food into his mouth, and display horrendous table manners. He would leave the table within minutes and refuse to take his dinnerware to the sink. Telling my son I loved his was met with a look that just sliced my heart in two. School was a major issue. Letting him know that he had x amount of time to get ready for school was met with him rolling over and ignoring me. Repeated requests were ignored. Finally I was told that if I force him to do something, he will call the cops and report me for abuse. His school work suffered and I was told that he was trying to get kicked out of school so the judge will force him to live with his dad. I was told he "knew" how to run away and there was nothing I could do and the judge will say he can live with his dad. Peers and my family members were also subjected to this behavior. An elderly lady who always relied on his help with his taking groceries from her car to her house was told she can do it herself. It became embarrassing to hear his insults and rants to others. He refused to call me mom and either referred to me by my given name or as Hey. He told me to take sleeping medicine in excess and to indulge in foods that I was severely allergic to. I was told to buy him things because his dad buys him things. I was told his dad does what he wants. I was told his dad has a bigger and better home, so the judge will let him live there. I had a list of behaviors that were on my battle list and I had to pick carefully. Common courtesy, human decency and civility were completely lacking in his interaction with me and of those close to me.

So I had to find out what a parent was. To me that meant that I loved him, showed him love, guided him, set good examples and try to mold him to be a productive citizen as well. That also meant to me that when he disobeyed reasonable requests, he would have repercussions as well. In the past that meant things such as doing well in school rewarded him. Good behavior could result in a new game or something he was wanting at the store. Bad behavior could be a grounding from the playstation system.

His behavior was abhorrent and grounding was not going to work. He was not doing anything behavior wise to warrant a reward. My hands were tied for the most part.

Then I thought about it. What is the most important thing a parent can do for their child beside offer shelter and the necessities of life, such as food, clothes, school supplies and such? LOVE. That is probably the most difficult things to feel good about when your child so clearly does everything in their power to appear that they hate you and want you to disappear completely from their life. Then I realized that the most important thing however, that any parent can give their child, is a sense of being loved and we have to remember that we are not perfect. Parents this is not a competition as to who can buy more for the child. We have faults, everyone does, parent or not.

The battle I picked was the disrespectful to the parent one. I told him his behavior was not acceptable. I told him I will not hear him being disrespectful to me or to his dad. Yes, I had to bite my tongue and not say disparaging things about his dad and admit I was not always successful, but I caught myself and recognized my own behavior. I always told my son I loved him even when he was very clear in his hatred for me.

Somehow with time, prayers, faith, preservation and many breakdowns of crying in private, things have changed.

Although the courts have laws defining behavior of a parent who is denying visitation, I will touch upon the legal side at a later time.

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!

Parental Alienation...what do you think when you hear that term?

2010-09-26T10:33:00.002-05:00

Parental Alienation.....a term that evokes emotion, speculation, arguments and agreement. If you are a target parent, you are in agreement that parental alienation is a true phenomenon. If you are part of the groups that dismiss parental alienation, you have many arguments against parental alienation. You believe it is nothing more than junk science. Why is there such disparity?

I believe that in many divorce and custody cases, there is a mindset of one partner who will not stop at anything to "win". They fail to think of anyone but themselves, but will deny this vehemently. Their need for revenge, their hatred of the spouse, clouds their judgment and impedes their ability to act reasonably with regard for their children. I think they feel the children are young so therefore they can adapt to changes and do not know what is best for them. Although I agree that we must protect our children, we must not place our misguided perceptions above the needs of our children.

Children need both parents and especially more after a divorce. In almost every case, aside from extreme abuse and neglect, kids benefit from significant time with both of their parents. This time spent with the other parent, should not be taken away because the other parent does not like the other. Unfortunately , this happens all the time.

This hatred can fester within the other parent and stories start to surface. Perhaps, when the couple was together, they made time for a date night or made sure the other spouse had a night out with the boys or the girls. Perhaps date night included dinner with a bottle of wine. These seemingly normal activities take on a new light in parental alienation. The alienating parent will tell the children that mom or dad was always out on a boys or girls night out. The alienating parent will say that the other parent drank alcohol and embellishes the story more.

The alienating parent will pursue an agenda of attempting to eliminate the children from the other parent's life. They will stop at nothing, including outright lies to the child and courts, perjury, using the legal system to harass, utilizing the police to harass, enlisting the help of friends and family to make false statements to government agencies, making false statements of abuse and more. They take shreds of truth and expand upon them and spin it into a story. For example, we enjoyed a drink occasionally. I then became and alcoholic who took my child on wild rides in the car. The judge focused more on the fact that I would have a drink. It was never about my having a drink, it became about my inability to control my drinking. Although, I worked some very odd hours, worked overtime, never called in sick to work and did not even have a speeding ticket, I was labeled a person who drank and had a problem. Although my ex spent many nights out with others, my one night out became an issue with the court. I think it was a shopping trip as well. I did spank my child once for running out in the street when he was little, so therefore I was abusive. Hence, the small amount of truth gets blown out of proportion. Any rebuttals I had were never heard. Alienators will block court ordered visitation, they will change phone numbers and refuse to provide a contact, they will enroll the child into activities that interfere with your parenting time. They will stop at nothing to prevent your contact with your children.

Alienators are manipulators and are masters of deceit. Alienators are so hell bent on male or female bashing that they cannot see the forest through the trees. I am pretty certain that they possess traits of a narcissistic personality as well.

One thing that bothers me when these groups that are against parental alienation as a real phenomenon start their rebuttals is that they always claim real abuse and that they are protecting their child. I have to wonder when this so called abuse started? Although I agree there are real cases of abuse, I think many of these groups are using parental alienation themselves and stating that parental alienation is junk science.

Whatever your thoughts are about parental alienation are, I am sure you have met a person who is divorced. Have you ever encountered a divorced person who twenty years later can not stop badmouthing their ex? Have you ever witnessed them talking with their adult children and overheard them telling their children bad things about the other parent? Has this person talked about how abused they were and how their ex did not do as ordered by the court at any opportunity they have? Have you noticed that this person still hates the gender that they talk about? Have you ever noticed that if there is water cooler talk and one person may be having problems at home this one person is always willing to contribute their two cents about how bad that gender is and then proceed to tell you their horrors of their ex? That is an alienator.

Parental alienation is real. it is not some made up problem. Any parent who once has a good relationship with their child who suddenly finds themselves being systemically and methodically eliminated from their child's life, through no fault of their own, can attest to this.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thoughts for the day

2010-09-25T12:47:00.002-05:00

Lately I have been thinking about lying. I have been thinking about all the lies told in my case and searching about quotations about lies. I came across several quotes, many you may have heard.

"O, what a tangled web we weave; when first we practice to deceive! "

"Lies were like acid, corrosive: They could dissolve trust in a heartbeat."

"Who lies for you will lie against you."

"Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind."

"Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half"

"A lie cannot live"

One of the quotes has struck a chord with me. A lie cannot live. Why? Something which is not true cannot continue to exist. It will take time, maybe even years, but eventually the truth will surface.

If you are a target parent dealing with lies told about you, continue to be consistent in your love for your children, don't give up hope. Eventually the lies will be seen for what they are....lies.

Always take the high road, no matter how painful it is. Always be truthful, but do not be an alienator. Always continue to try to have a relationship with your children, no matter how hurtful they are to you.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Was she really "protecting" her child? Or is this parental alienation?

2010-08-20T17:18:00.002-05:00

According to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, an estimated 355,000 children are abducted from their homes each year. These children can go days, weeks, months or even years with no contact from anyone except their abductor. And many of these children are not taken by strangers: They are abducted by their own parents. There are some who claim kidnapping their own children is the only option they have, but what about the other parent -- and what about the child?

One such child was kidnapped by his mother in a contentious custody battle. Why did she do it? She painted a picture of sexual abuse to her daughter by her husband and her husband's son. The couple each had children prior to their marriage, she a daughter and he a son. Together they had a son. I do not believe allegations were made of sexual abuse to the son they had together, but only about the daughter.

The story can be found here. This is the story of Sindi Graber Linden and Paul Marinkovich and the bitter custody case over their son Gabriel. Sindi moved to 4 countries. I found many stories online about this story.

Mother who fled with son testifies: 'I had to'

Mother loses custody case

So is this mother protecting her son and other children from a monster, or is she selfish and punishing her ex husband for a failed marriage? I believe this is a vindictive, manipulating, cunning ex wife who will stop at nothing to make her ex husband "pay" for their failed marriage. She had changed Gabriele's last name, asked him to avoid the cops because they were working for his dad. She told Gabriel that his dad was the new step father.

This story hits home with me, because it shows what lengths a vindictive ex spouse will go to alienate a child against the other parent. Although my ex did not take my son to another country, he did move often, told my son he did not need his mother and stated the new wife was the mother.

Not knowing where your child is, not being able to see them, talk to them, hear their voice is the most cruel punishment the other parent can inflict upon the other parent.

Parental Alienation is ABUSE!STOP THE ABUSE!

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T10:14:00.003-05:00

A Dad is a person
who is loving and kind,
And often he knows
what you have on your mind.

He's someone who listens,
suggests, and defends
A dad can be one
of your very best friends!

He's proud of your triumphs
but when things go wrong
A dad can be patient
and helpful and strong.

In all that you do,
a dad's love plays a part
There's always a place for him
deep in your heart.

And each year that passes
you're even more glad,
More grateful and proud
just to call him your dad!

Thank you, Dad .
for listening and caring
for giving and sharing
but, especially, for just being you! Happy Father's Day

To all the Dad's that are unable to see their children today, remember your child maybe feeling the loss as well. Your son or daughter is wishing you a Happy Father's Day in their thoughts.

Any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a Dad!

Happy Father's Day!

If Today Was Your Last Day

2010-06-12T14:57:00.002-05:00

I found this download on my computer in my "songs" section. My son had downloaded this. His tastes and mine are different, but I do like some of the songs he listens to. I looked up the lyrics and was surprised. Was he listening to this for the music and beat or the words?

"If Today Was Your Last Day"

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today were your last day what would you do?

quote of the day

2010-05-16T11:50:00.002-05:00

I came across this today and really thought this makes a lot of sense.

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum

As any parent knows, we often get frustrated that our children do not listen to us, or more often than not, it seems that way. When one parent is a target parent, we realize that our children are not listening to the parent that is trying to steer them correctly, but to the parent that is steering them wrong. Any parent that attempts to diminish a relationship between the child and other parent is steering them wrong.

Children not only learn from our words, but also by our actions. What message do we send when a parent who is telling the child to hate the other parent, to disrespect them and encourages others to join in their mission? Then the same parent will tell the court that they are not doing this and does not know what to do because the child refuses to spend time with the other parent. Their words say one thing but their actions speak another.

As a target parent my words of I love you son have fell on deaf ears, but my actions have always remained constant. This one day will be what the children realize and see. The lies they have been told will come to light as well. I found this quote about lies.

“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity”

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T10:52:00.004-05:00

A Mother's Love

A Mother's love is something
that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.

- Helen Steiner Rice

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's that are target parents. My thoughts are with you today as you are missing your children. I am hoping to hear from my son, but do not know if I will. The pain and feeling of loss is immense.

If you are a mother that has kept your children from their father, realize that you would not have a child to keep from their father without that father.

To my son: Even though we can not spend time together today, I love you, miss you and am thinking of you. You are always in my heart. You have outgrown my lap to sit in and your hands have outgrown mine to hold, but you have not outgrown the love I have for you.

Parental Alienation is ABUSE! Stop the abuse!

April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day

2010-04-25T13:49:00.002-05:00

Today is the 5th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day. Why is this important? It is important because as the public, attorneys, judges, teachers, police, social workers and others are educated about the effects of parental alienation then change can happen. Burying one's head in the sand and having the attitude that is just a phase will not make change happen.

There are so many theories, beliefs and opinions about parental alienation. I am not sure what I would have thought about parental alienation until I experienced it first hand. Quite honestly, if I heard my story from someone else, I may have nodded my head, said "oh I am so sorry" and avoided contact. The stories I hear seem something made for drama lifetime movies. The stories I hear all ring the same though.

As I have mentioned before in a previous post, I have reconnected with my son. One of the hard things I have accepting at times is the lost time that I will never recover and the fact that our relationship is now different.

This morning my son called me to ask if we could meet. We spent a few hours together and on my way home I thought about many things. I thought about the hoops I have jumped through just get to this point and how I still am no closer to answers as to why. There seems to be no sense of closure on that fact. As I thought about it longer, I realized that idea of thought kept me angry about what happened. Not as I was angry with my son totally, but more angry that his father could do this to his child. Then it dawned on me that my anger meant that his father still had control of me. The only way I can and will move forward is to let go of the anger. That also means I may never get closure or answers to many questions I have. is it important? Yes and no. And I am working on that.

As I continued to drive home I thought about other things as well. I thought about how lucky I am compared to other target parents and how selfish I was in my thinking that I wanted answers. I started to wonder was there a positive side to all of this?

So here are some of my thoughts. Four years ago I did not exist as a parent. I was not listed as one for his school. Phone calls I made to my son went unanswered and not returned. Text messaging was pretty much non existent unless I was being told something negative. Holidays were not important for me. I was not privy to know anything about school, friends or events. I was not allowed pictures. I existed as a mandated weekend, when enforced, as the person who allowed my son to do what he wanted and to treat me as he wished. If I felt bad or was sick, oh well was the sentiment. I was the doormat and allowed it to spend anytime with my son. I never knew if my weekend would be forbidden or not. My name was not mom, but my given name as well.

Today I am mom. I get phone calls and text messages. They are not regular and go in cycles. I may hear from my son several times a week or I may go a week or two without hearing from him. I am asked for advice about things and told things as well that he does not want his dad to know because my son says his dad will yell at him. I do not disparage his dad to him, although there have been times I could have. I imagine he tells his dad things that he does not want me to know and I accept that. I now get a hug from him and he does not pull away from me. I can tell him I love him and he does not give me that disgusted look. I still do not get I love you Mom back.

So what was the positive to come from this? From experiences and other people's stories. I am able to overcome insecurities and am able to embrace what time I have with my child. I am not afraid of sharing him especially with the other parent. My child is an individual molded from ideas that both my ex husband and I believe in. Anger is a tool that someone holds over another to control. Letting go of my anger took away the control that my ex held over me. My son is no longer a 10 year old, but now an adult and he has adult ideas, thoughts and words. Life is too damn short to sweat the small stuff. Take whatever nibble of positive you have and work from that.

Tennessee moves to have shared custody in divorces

2010-03-23T15:48:00.002-05:00

Today I came across a newspaper article in USAToday that talked about a Tennessee bill that would evenly split custody in contentious divorce cases. My initial thoughts were this is great! Perhaps one state is listening to parents who are being wrongfully withheld parenting time with their children. I thought perhaps that parental alienation had been broached with these legislators and they were doing something positive in custody cases. As I read the article and took a look at the bill myself, I saw many obstacles and wording that, I thought, left a lot to be misunderstood or open to differing opinions by the judges. The more I read it, the more I could see a severe alienating parent using this bill to their advantage.

This is how HB 2916 reads:

HOUSE BILL 2916
By Bell
AN ACT to amend Tennessee Code Annotated, Title 36,
Chapter 6, Part 1, relative to equal parenting.
BE IT ENACTED BY THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF TENNESSEE:
SECTION 1. Tennessee Code Annotated, Section 36-6-101, is amended by deleting
subdivision (a)(2)(A)(i) in its entirety and substituting instead the following:
(i) Except as provided in this subdivision (a)(2)(A), the court shall have the widest
discretion to order a custody arrangement that is in the best interest of the child. At any
hearing to determine custody of a minor child, the court shall order that the child get
equal time with each of the child's parents unless the court finds by clear and convincing
evidence that one (1) or both of the parents are unfit to care for the child. This section
shall not be construed to prohibit both fit parents from voluntarily entering into a
parenting plan that does not give the child equal time with each parent. This section
shall not be construed to prohibit the court from giving the child less than equal time with
a parent that does not seek equal time with the child. For the purpose of assisting the
court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the
court may direct that an investigation be conducted.
SECTION 2. This act shall take effect July 1, 2010, the public welfare requiring it.

Of course I noticed the words "best interests of the children" mentioned in this bill and most states have a "best interests of the children" doctrine, but fail to follow it.

I think shared custody, in it's theory, is the best possible solution for children, but unfortunately the model is flawed. I believe in only a handful of cases, that shared custody would actually work and could have a positive affect on the children. These cases would be the ones were the two parents part ways, but place the well being of their children above their own and get on with their own lives without involving the children in games. Unfortunately this does not happen often enough. Children become a bargaining chip in divorce, along with material possessions to divide.

In an ideal model, children would be allowed to live in the same home they have been raised in and attend the school they have attended for years. The friendships they have made would not be broken because they have to move or change schools. The parents would live in the same town, so they could attend school functions, help with homework or take the child for a special treat after school, such as the park or the movies. Perhaps one parent works later into the evening and the other parent does not. The child could spend time with both parents on a daily basis, by always having a parent available after school. What could result from that is that parents would make the most of their time with their children and the children may actually get more and better quality time with both parents.

In this bill it states: "the court shall order that the child get
equal time with each of the child's parents unless the court finds by clear and convincing
evidence that one (1) or both of the parents are unfit to care for the child." and "For the purpose of assisting the
court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the
court may direct that an investigation be conducted."
In cases of parental alienation, false allegations of abuse are made more often than not. Allegations of drug and alcohol abuse are also made. These are the things that can deem a parent unfit and to lose their parenting rights. The second statement is very backwards though. For the purpose of assisting the court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the court may direct an investigation be conducted. Let me ask you....how did the court determine that a parent was unfit without an investigation? If a parent is deemed unfit based on false allegations, then this bill only fails the children that it claims it wants to protect.

I found this quote about false accusations and find that it is so true. When one person makes an accusation, check to be sure he himself is not the guilty one. Sometimes it is those whose case is weak who make the most clamor.

Shared custody would be in the best interests of the children. The children did not divorce their parents, but they are the ones that loses a parent who loves them. Shared custody could work, if the two divorcing parents could be adults and actually place their children first.

What are your thoughts?

Parental Alienation is ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!

Facebook is the rage

2010-03-06T14:06:00.002-06:00

I am not sure I did this correct, but I think I set up a facebook page?

Facebook

My case

2010-03-06T12:59:00.002-06:00

As I stated in my previous post, I have had some obligations. My first obligation is to myself to make sure I am healthy. I have to be able to deal physically, emotionally, mentality and spiritually with coming to my own terms about parental alienation. I do not do well in all avenues, but I have never given up hope and faith that maybe one day things will change. I do not care if you do not believe in God, but I think you have faith in a higher power than you. This blog was never meant to spread a religious belief, but I will write of faith and hope. I will also post links, videos and sayings of what one can call religious beliefs. This is not about my own beliefs pertaining to religion or lack of, but my own thoughts, ideas and experiences in dealing with parental alienation. I find things that mean something to me and I post it.

I am a bit hesitant to write my next lines, because I did nothing out of the ordinary and I have no magic or iron clad answer to your situation. I am also sad to write my next lines because I know, many wish they could have this as well.

So here it goes......

I have been able to reconnect with my son. We talk on the phone, I go to see him for about an hour, he has come here a few times to see me. OK, He comes here to see a friend and stays at my house, but I get the benefit of seeing him. Maybe reconnect is a bit much to say, but I have been able to see him because he and I want that.

It has not been easy nor a sigh of relief. I still contend with his dad's control.

What I have realized, or so I think, is that my son so much wanted a relationship with his dad that he was willing to do anything to have that. That is where parental alienation came into play. I did not deny him his dad, but his dad said I did. Gosh, sounding like my prior post, but sad to say his dad did not do what he had to, to have the relationship with his son and I payed the price. Not sure how to post because I sound bad. His dad had every other weekend, had a day through the week, had two weeks in the summer. His dad took every other weekend, never was there, did not do the through the week, and I gave him the summers and asked for two weeks with my son. You know what? Water under the bridge.

I became a target when my son turned 14 years old, because the "law" states here that a child has a say at that age. Come to realize, all my son had to say was he wanted to live with the other parent. Instead it became I was the bitch from hell. The "law" also states a change in circumstances, but little did I know that change was the desire of my son wanting to live elsewhere. Instead that change became allegations of abuse and more.

Yes, I sounded bitter in the last bit. Yes I am. That is what I am working through.

Bottom line: I get to talk with my son, I get to see him. I am working on this. Cost: Priceless!

My thoughts for the day

2010-03-06T12:20:00.002-06:00

First of all, I need to apologize for my absence in keeping this blog up to date. It is not for lack of ideas and thoughts to write about, but my poor time management into organizing constructive posts. I also have had other obligations that have taken precedence. I will touch on those later, hopefully today.

Through my own experiences with parental alienation and with listening with other people's experiences, I seem to have become either very hypersensitive to many things that people say and do. Am I just angry that I am a target parent, or am I on to something? I would suspect a bit of both. We have interactions with people on a daily basis. Some of those interactions are pleasant and others not. Some people have a bad day and complain about what is bothering them and others complain about every little thing. Then there are those that explain in detail about their bad marriage and custody fight that took place 20 or more years ago. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of hearing how he beat her up and was mean. I got the message the first 10 times you told that story. That is the type of person I am talking about. The one that can not let go, has to keep telling you the "story" over and over. The one that "knows" that the new person someone is dating is just like her ex, she knows the type and more. Then the next thing you know, everyone is convinced that the new friend is a stalker, a possible kidnapper and obviously up to no good. What I am trying to illustrate is that one person can convince others that something sinister is taking place. Their concern and own ideas convince others of something that is not even taking place.

When one hears the term parental alienation or custodial interference, many do not understand or if they think they do, just pass it off as a phase. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me "it's just a phase" that my son was going through, I could be rich. Well, I am not rich and it was not a phase, but no one seemed to care, except those very close to me and others that actually understood and experienced parental alienation first hand.

Parental alienation is abuse....it is made up stories to make the other parent look good to the courts, to their friends and to hopefully win them custody. Unfortunately, the courts do not take this seriously, or if they do, many times their hands are tied. If there are laws regarding parenting time, the laws are not enforced. If they are enforced, the punishment is lax. Therefore the cycle continues and the courts and judges fail to recognize this as abuse.

Until parental alienation, custodial interference and parenting time interference are recognized as abuse, then nothing will change.

Parental Alienation is ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!

A break from parental alienation.....Haiti

2010-01-16T13:08:00.002-06:00

By now, I am sure everyone is aware of the tragedy in Haiti. A 7.0 earthquake struck in Haiti on Tuesday January 12, 2010, 16 miles west of Port-au-Prince, Haiti...the capital of Haiti. Most hospitals were damaged in this quake. The death toll is undetermined at this time, but it most likely will surpass 100 thousand people. A number of public figures died in the earthquake, including government officials, clergy members, musicians, and foreign civilian and military personnel working with the United Nations. The devestation is unimaginable.

Haiti is a third world country and most of us could not imagine the living conditions prior to this earthquake. Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere with 80% of the population living under the poverty line and 54% in abject poverty.

There are numerous ways to help and I would suggest checking out any organization before you send donations. I have copied and pasted a few ways to donate as well as sites that list the organizations. Also please be careful if you searching online for ways to donate. I have found sites that are scams and they intend to download malware to your computer.

The following organizations are accepting SMS donations in the US only:

SMS text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross relief efforts
SMS text “YELE” to 501501 to Donate $5 to Yele Haiti’s Earthquake Relief efforts
SMS text "GIVE10" to 20222 to donate $10 to Direct Relief

•As a UN Special Envoy to Haiti, Bill Clinton appeared on CNN on Wednesday to ask for further assistance in bringing relief to populations on the ground. You can donate through the Clinton Foundation or text HAITI to 20222 to donate $10.

•Mercy Corps is sending a team of emergency responders to assess damage, and seek to fulfill immediate needs of quake survivors. The agency aided families after earthquakes in Peru in 2007, China and Pakistan in 2008, and Indonesia last year. Donate online, call 1-888-256-1900 or send checks to Mercy Corps Haiti Earthquake Fund; Dept NR; PO Box 2669; Portland, OR 97208.

Action Against Hunger, 877-777-1420
Agape Flights, 941-584-8078
American Red Cross, 800-733-2767
American Refugee Committee, 800-875-7060
American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee, 212-687-6200
American Jewish World Service, 212-792-2900
AmeriCares, 800-486-4357
Beyond Borders, 866-424-8403
B'nai B'rith International, 202-857-6600
CARE, 800-521-2273
CarmaFoundation
Catholic Relief Services, 800-736-3467
Childcare Worldwide, 800-553-2328
Church World Services, 800-297-1516
Clinton Foundation, 501-748-0471
Text "HAITI" to 20222 to donate $10 to Haiti relief
Clinton Bush Haiti Fund
Concern Worldwide, 212-557-8000
Convoy of Hope, 417-823-8998
Cross International, 800-391-8545
CRUDEM Foundation, 413-642-0450
CRWRC, 800-55-CRWRC
Direct Relief International, 805-964-4767
Doctors Without Borders, 888-392-0392
Episcopal Relief and Development, 800-334-7626
Feed My Starving Children, 763-504-2919
Food for the Poor, 800-427-9104
Friends of WFP, 866-929-1694
Friends of the Orphans, 312-386-7499
Habitat for Humanity, 1-800-422-4828
Haiti Children, 877-424-8454
Haiti Foundation Against Poverty
Haiti Marycare, 203-675-4770
Haitian Health Foundation, 860-886-4357
Healing Hands for Haiti, 651-769-5846
Hope for Haiti, 239-434-7183
International Child Care, 800-722-4453
International Medical Corps, 800-481-4462
International Rescue Committee, 877-733-8433
International Relief Teams, 619-284-7979
Islamic Relief USA, 888-479-4968
Lions Club International Foundation, 630-203-3836
Lutheran World Relief, 800-597-5972
Medical Benevolence Foundation, 800-547-7627
Medical Teams International, 800-959-4325
Meds and Food for Kids, 314-420-1634
Mennonite Central Committee, 888-563-4676
Mercy Corps, 888-256-1900
Nazarene Compassionate Ministries, 800-306-9950
New Life for Haiti, 815-436-7633
Operation Blessing, 800-730-2537
Operation USA, 800-678-7255
Oxfam, 800-776-9326
Partners in Health, 617-432-5298
RHEMA International, 248-652-9894
Rural Haiti Project, 347-405-5552
The Salvation Army, 800-725-2769
Samaritan's Purse, 828-262-1980
Save the Children, 800-728-3843
ShelterBox
UN Central Emergency Response Fund
UNICEF, 800-367-5437
United Methodist Committee on Relief, 800-554-8583
World Concern, 800-755-5022
World Hope International, 888-466-4673
World Relief, 800-535-5433
World Vision, 888-511-6548
Yele Haiti, 212-352-0552
Wyclef Jean's grassroots org
Text Yele to 501501 to donate $5 via cellphone

http://blogs.state.gov/index.php/site/entry/disaster_haiti

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T12:55:00.002-06:00

MySpace Comments at GlitterBell.com
Add the Comment App

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

Father reunited with Son after 5 year custody fight

2009-12-24T07:11:00.003-06:00

This just in! David Goldman is now reunited with his son Sean, after a lengthy five year court battle with Sean's stepfather. May Mr. Goldman and his son find peace, joy and happiness in their reunification process. God Bless!

You can read the news here.

A Christmas Miracle for a NJ father?

2009-12-23T09:46:00.004-06:00

Christmas is to be a special time, filled with good will for others and small miracles. Could David Goldman have gotten a miracle this Christmas? I sure hope so!

If you have not read the story about David Goldman, he is the New Jersey father who has been fighting an international custody issue for the last five years. His son, Sean, is now 9 years old. In June of 2004, Mr. Goldman drove his son, his wife and his wife's parents to the airport for a planned two week vacation to Mrs. Goldman's native Brazil. When she arrived in Brazil, Mr. Goldman states that she called saying the marriage was over and if he ever wanted contact with his son again, he had to sign over custody to her.

If that does not sound very calculated, manipulative and a case of extortion, I don't know what does. These are the very same methods that alienating parents use to gain control.

Mr. Goldman's wife, then gained a divorce in the courts of Brazil and remarried. She later passed away while giving birth in 2008. Mr. Goldman states that he was not notified by his ex in-laws or by her new husband, but happened upon this information by friends that were helping him gain custody back of his son. This is a tragic loss for Sean. He lost his mother, and perhaps thinking that he will return to his father, his extended family in Brazil is now participating in further alienating him from his father.

Mr. Goldman has been fighting to regain custody of his son and has been blocked by many underhanded maneuvers. On Decemeber 21st, 2009, he received word that Brazil's top judge ruled in Mr. Goldman's favor and ordered that his son be returned to him.

Let us all hope and pray that Mr. Goldman has received his Christmas Miracle and that he and his son are reunited.

You can find the news story on MSNBC.COM and other news sites. Mr. Goldman has a website and you can read what he has written here.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the abuse!

You have nothing to be ashmed of

2009-12-23T06:46:00.004-06:00

If you are the target parent experiencing parental alienation, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that when I first learned about parental alienation first hand because I was being targeted, I was ashamed to talk about it. In my mind and from what we learn what is socially acceptable, mothers do not lose custody, they do not give up custody and mothers do not have children that despise every breath they take. Please do not misinterpret my words of socially acceptable to mean that it was accepted that fathers were hated by their children and it was expected that they lose custody and society accepted that.

For any parent that once shared a close bond with their children and now find themselves separated from their children and hated by them, through no actions of their own, you are not alone and you should not feel ashamed. I know that I once was ashamed, because how did it look to outsiders that my son hated me. My son and I shared a very close bond. We went to the zoo, went to museums, colored pictures together, read stories together, drove around at Christmas finding all the pretty lights, went on picnics and more. Everyone that knew me, knew that my son was with me if they saw me out. Then I became the target in the crime of parental alienation. My life as I knew it would forever be changed. No one understood how my child could hate me. It was a phase I was told. This was more than a phase, it was abuse to my son. I also got the looks that if I was accused of child abuse and other heinous allegations then there must be some truth to it. I could not talk about what was happening to anyone for many reasons. I did not understand myself what was happening and I found it difficult to explain. My child loving me yesterday and now hates me today is so foreign for anyone to understand. I, myself, could not understand how overnight everything changed. How could anyone else? Perhaps I did contribute to this, but how?

After I found out that there is a name to this hatred and abuse, I read everything I could read about it. Parental alienation was a foreign word to me and I read a lot about it. I would come to the conclusion that parental alienation has existed for a long time, even before it was given a name.

One of the most difficult things I read concerning parental alienation was the letting go part. Letting go to me, meant that I gave up on my son and I accepted that I may never have him back. I could not read that chapter without the tears flowing. The words became so blurred and I was not reading the message, I was only seeing what I thought it meant. I may be wrong, but I think letting go means letting go of the deep seated hurt that fuels one self to tell their side of the story. For me this meant, I wanted so much for my son to know both sides of the story. I did not do these heinous acts that I was accused of, I had documentation of acts that his father did and dammit, why? Letting go has taken on a different meaning for me now. It means having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. I cannot change what my son's father says about me or what he does to forbid access of our son to me. I can either live my life or dwell upon the past. I can also take solitude in the fact that children want to love both parents and I support that. When children mature or face a similar obstacle, they may come to that realization as well. I have read that children who are victims of parental alienation, do not want to know the story or the truth. They just want to love both parents without conditions placed upon them. Target parents are the ones that have loved their children unconditionally.

So if you are a target parent, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Read books about parental alienation, talk about your situation to others that are experiencing the same thing and continue to live. You are stronger than you think you are.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try

2009-12-18T16:21:00.002-06:00

"Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason for someone not to try" This is a verse in a song I just recently heard. What a statement!

I love music and like many I have my songs that relate to different areas in my life. The song that played when my husband danced our first dance at our wedding. The song that I state reflects my feelings for my son. The sad songs that reflect a breakup, the happy songs that reflect the happy times and the fun songs that reflect upon fun times. The words can be very powerful and many times comforting.

I write a lot about having faith that the parental alienation will end. I write about never giving up. Watch the video and read the lyrics that I will post for the song and have faith. Never give up.
"Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason for someone not to try" What seems impossible today may be possible another day.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thankful

2009-12-06T15:15:00.005-06:00

Thankful? What kind of title is that? Thankful for what? Don't you know what I am dealing with? How can you be thankful? You may be wondering where I am going with this.

Today I decided I better start decorating for Christmas. I was far from the mood. I started out by moving furniture and then cleaning. I made the trek up to the attic to find the Christmas decorations. I found the Christmas tree, I could not bring it down myself. Oh what the heck, let it fall down the stairs. I open the box and look at this contraption as it was this complicated puzzle. I left it there and went back to the computer to check email and play a game. Anything to give me an excuse not to do this. I went back to the large box and took out the base that the tree will sit in and I place it where this tree will be displayed. It is an easy task that I accomplish without problems. I am almost finished!!! Go and play another game on my computer. I come back to the large box and nothing has changed. So I lift the base of the tree and place it in the base. Mission accomplished so far. How bad will a quarter of a tree look, I think. I have hours to do this and I have many days till Christmas. I say to myself, gee I have done well. Back to my computer to play again. I am not wanting to do this. My son will not be here. Why am I doing this?

I finally go back to the mission of setting up my tree. I just look at this quarter of a tree and the two other sections that I must place together. Oh yeah, I forgot, I have to separate the branches and fluff it out so it looks real. My smart idea when my son lived with me was to get one of these trees that look "real" that has a million tips! I do the base of the tree and get to attach the middle section. Oh how much longer do I have? I can put this all back in the box and somehow haul it back up to the attic. Oh what the heck, it is downstairs...make the best of it. Sure....I think I need to check email again and play a game on the computer.

By now several hours have passed from my idea of decorating to my semi finished half tree. The games I am playing are becoming boring. Check email... no new email. I decide to have some Christmas music play in the background to get me in the mood. I wander over to my CD's and look carefully through my selections. Mannheim Steamroller...oh yeah that is cool, TSO.. yeah that is great, Celine Dion Christmas selection...sure I like her, Josh Groban Christmas CD...love his voice, some instrumental Christmas CD...oh yeah I remember...very soothing. A diverse selection that should get me in the mood. It seems to work! I am singing and dancing...hope my neighbors can not see me. What the heck! This is fun...not as it was when my son would help in decorating. I am missing that. I reminisce in the times we had.

I finish the tree finally and my songs are still playing. I sit down to take in the moment. I look at my Christmas tree and the other sparkly decorations that I have placed. You can squint your eyes, imagine and lose yourself in a thought. Then this song comes on. What does this have to do with Christmas? It is a very pretty melody. I hit replay several times, listening and taking in the words. I can almost sing word for word with the song by the time I am done.

I realize that my sadness and self pity in putting up my tree and not having my son here is not that important anymore. I realize I have read your stories and many of you are experiencing far worse situations than I am. I realize that I forget to look around myself and see the joy that surrounds me. I realize I take things for granted and I should give more. I listen to the words that we pray for what we know can be, and on this day we hope for, what we still can't see. It's up to us, to be the change. Wait it is up to me to be the change? Yes it is! I must continue to reach out to my son and to other target parents. One day this will change! We still all do more!

Watch this video and I will post the lyrics as well.

The lyrics:
Somedays, we forget to look around us,
Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,
so caught up inside ourselves,
we take when we should give,
so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and on this day we hope for,
what we still can't see,
It's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
look beyond ourselves,
there's so much sorrow,
it's way to late to say, I'll cry tomorrow
each of us must find our truth,
it's so long overdue,

so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and everyday, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
even with our differences,
there is a place were all connected,
each of us can find each others light,
So for tonight, we pray for
what we know can be,
and on this day, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though this world can still do so much more
there's so much to be thankful for.

"Quote of the day" from another blog

2009-12-05T13:23:00.004-06:00

I came across this post on another blog that I read. It states:

The most fit parent is the one that allows ongoing and continual contact between the other parent, and "actively encourages" the children to see the other parent, and supports the children interactions with the other parent. That is a fit parent. Anything less is unfit.

Mark Godbey

It is such a simple but yet very profound statement. The best interests of the child doctrine. For example in my state the code reads:

The court will take into consideration the following primary factors when determining what custody arrangement is best for a child:

(a) the love, affection, and emotional ties between the parents and child;

(b) the importance of continuity and the length of time the child has lived in a stable and satisfactory environment;

(c) whether there has been any domestic violence or physical or mental abuse to the child, spouse, or any other person and whether a parent has had to relocate to avoid such violence;

(d) the stability of the family unit;

(e) the mental and physical health of the parents;

(f) the home, school, and community record of the child;

(g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age;

(h) the character and behavior of any person who lives in or visits the parent’s home and such person’s interactions with the child; and

(i) each parent’s past and potential performance of parenting duties, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent.

If you notice section (i) lists each parent's past and potential performance of parenting abilities, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent. Why is this recommendation so far down the list?

I do know that from my experience dealing with custody issues, the major factor that was considered was (g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age. For some reason, no one seemed to care except for my attorney and myself that if my son went to live with his father that he would be losing out on quite a bit.

I can argue as well as my ex can argue each and every point of this doctrine. For example:

(a) the love, affection, and emotional ties between the parents and child;
My stand: My son and I have a very strong bond and I make sure he gets to have his time with dad.
Ex's stand: Our son does not need his mom anymore, this is when he needs his dad more.

(b) the importance of continuity and the length of time the child has lived in a stable and satisfactory environment;
My stand: Our son has lived with me for X amount of years. Attends a good school, does well in school, has long time friends and activities in school. He attends church and is active in church.
Ex's stand: Our son needs his father now and does not need his mom anymore. He will attend school and church.

(c) whether there has been any domestic violence or physical or mental abuse to the child, spouse, or any other person and whether a parent has had to relocate to avoid such violence;
My stand: I do not state in court, but have records of domestic violence against me by my ex. I would later find more domestic violence charges against my ex from the next wife.
My ex's stand: I am abusive to our son and our son will testify to this as well.

(d) the stability of the family unit;
My stand: My ex is number 2 husband. I have no children from a previous and short marriage. I have remained single and supported myself and our child. He attends the same school and attends church. I go without so I do not disrupt our son's life.
My ex's stand: I am married and wife can stay at home and not work. ( this is marriage # 3 and there is marriage #4 as well) Mother has to work and get a babysitter so she can make money. I(ex) make X amount of money and can buy more for our son and provide better. He also makes claim to the better home (larger and more expensive) that he has.

(e) the mental and physical health of the parents;
My stand: I make no claims, because I can not support these with verifiable proof. I can tell you some stories, but what does that prove?
My ex's stand: Mother is mentally unfit to be a parent. (I end up taking a mental exam to prove him wrong) Mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic. ( I am again investigated for these claims, which end up stating no proof)

(f) the home, school, and community record of the child;
My stand: Our son has attended such school for all his life, does well and is challenged in school and has many friends. Our son has lived in the same home with me for X amount of time, only moved because I wanted a safer or better neighborhood once. Our son does community service as required projects in school.
My ex's stand. I am married, wife is there when I am not. He will attend school. Community service is BS. ( ex has moved 6 times at this point, married twice since our divorce and it is not relevant to my case, I am told)

(g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age;
My stand: A 12 year old is a minor and can not state what they want to the court. My 12 year old on some days does not want to go to school...are you Judge going to allow him to state this and you allow this? A 12 year old is easily manipulated and easily bought. What message do you send to children that they can tell a judge what they want and the judge agrees without investigation?
My ex's stand: Our son wants to live with me because he does not need his mother anymore. He needs his dad more.

(h) the character and behavior of any person who lives in or visits the parent’s home and such person’s interactions with the child;
My stand: My ex is now on wife #4, I have not remarried. Current and previous wife have questionable histories....proven by public record. Previous wife has been jailed for failure to pay child support and my ex bails her out and pays her back support. My ex is arrested on theft charges. I can go on as well.
My ex's stand. Mother is abusive, she has a boyfriend and is not married and he is abusive and our son wants to live with me because he does not need his mother anymore and needs his father more.

(i) each parent’s past and potential performance of parenting duties, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent.
My stand: I allow time with father and give extra time.
Ex's stand: Mother forbids time with me and I will not make our son spend time with her if he (son) does not want to.

Although I gave as much information as possible, it still does not come close to the arguments that my ex and I had in our custody case. The major overtone was that our son needed his father more and did not need his mother and the clause that he was 12 or older was used in their case. No one seemed to "hear" that our son needed his father more and did not need his mother anymore. I was told that was the stage of life he was in, because he was in puberty. HOLD ON! Puberty? I do not recall this mentioned. I was told that no one can force a teen to do something. I would only suffer if it was ordered that our son remain with me, because he will run away. Yes, the guardian ad litem and my ex's attorney have already stated that my son will run away if he is forced to live with his mom. Excuse me! Have you not heard anything? The common tone is that the child needs his father more and does not need his mother anymore and not one person can prove these allegations of abuse that have been made against his mother. They have already heard that the father will not force his son to spend time with his mother and then there is talk that when he turns 18, the child is an adult. Therefore, the father can not enforce visitation, even though our son would still be in high-school.

The courts fail parents. Alienating parents fail their children. Judges fail to make educated, difficult and non popular rulings.

So yes, it boils down to one simple statement. Which parent is going to allow ongoing and continual contact with the other parent that also allows for undivided love for both parents?

Never give up!

2009-12-05T10:22:00.000-06:00

I came upon this poem about perseverance and I think that every target should read this and think about it:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."

As a target parent and from talking with other target parents, I understand the feeling of wanting to quit. You want to throw your hands up, wave the white surrender flag, snap your fingers and have the time turn back to when things were normal with your children. You are tired, exhausted emotionally, strained physically and financially ruined. You have spent so much time, energy and money and you are no closer to your children. You may think that waiting until they are older and they have some maturity that perhaps they will seek you out. This can and does happen sometimes, but are you willing to gamble with this idea?

I understand that it is difficult to continue to extend the hand of communication and contact when all you get in return is hatred. Everyone wants some positive reinforcement for their efforts. I understand the thought of "why bother". Your children are depending upon you to be there and I understand that they may not be demonstrating that. In fact they are resisting your efforts and doing everything they can to push you away. I do believe that deep down, they do not want you to push away.

I suggest that if you have not read this book, that you read it. I think you will gain a new perspective and hope on your situation. You can click the link and it will take you to Amazon.com where you can purchase this book.

Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind (Norton Professional Book)

Never give up! I would like to share some quotes with you and I hope that they make a difference.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

~ Dale Carnegie

"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up."

~ Vince Lombardi

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity. "

~ Louis Pasteur

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

~ Thomas Jefferson

"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about."

~ Unknown

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the abuse!

It's the holidays again ...Oh great

2009-11-29T12:51:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving MySpace Comments

The holiday season is starting again and this is a time that target parents can really feel the loss of not being able to spend the time with their children. While we spend our holiday eating a wonderful meal and giving thanks, we are not able to spend the time with the ones that we so dearly miss, love and care about. It is a void that no one seems to understand.

As I am thankful to have a beautiful child, supportive friends and followers of this blog, I am still human and have feelings. I still get down when the holidays come around because I know I will not be able to spend any time with my son. I get down, because he would sneak off to text message his father several times a day at one point, but can not "sneak" off now to send me a text message.

But this is not about me, it is about you and other target parents and how we can come together and be heard.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

You pick....Left or right

2009-11-24T19:21:00.005-06:00

I am irritated today. I have read some stories, read some blogs, read some emails. It all boils down to the same thing. One parent trying to one up the other by denying the other parent parenting time with the other. Oh "he is an asshole", oh "she is a bitch". Throw in some accustions of abuse in there and it takes on a whole new twist. He said, she said. No wonder judges throw up their hands in these cases many times.

Let me put it this way. For those of you who read this blog, those who stumble upon it and to the others, think about some things. You and your ex had a child. While married everything was fine, may have been fine, but somehow your children loved both of you. I do not care what you claim now, but it did happen....your children loved both of you.

Now you are divorcing, or you are divorced, and you are in this custody battle and now one parent pits the other against the other asking and demanding the children to make their choice. It is me or the other parent.

So to you parents using your children as pawns to "win" custody, let me ask you to pick. As parents, together you made this child. That child is half of both of you. You pick which side of the child you like better...the right side or the left side.

It sounds absurb and stupid. No more than what you are asking your children to do. How can you love your children and hate your ex when our children are half of the ex we claim to hate. So is it the right side or left side of your children that you hate? Hate your ex, deny them access, you have to hate one side of your children. You pick.

In the end all this nit picking about issues does not matter. All this money, time and energy spent trying to win does not matter. What matters is our children. We love them faults and all. Why can't our children love parents faults and all?

Think about it!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

The Carnival

2009-11-21T13:54:00.003-06:00

Today, I am trying something different. I hope to give some hope to target parents as well. My title, " The Carnival" must seem a bit odd, but bear with me. The reason I am writing this is because I heard something the other day and an analogy was made. After I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.

Do you remember when you were little and your parents took you to the county fair, the carnival or something similar to this? If you had never been before, you were not sure what the excitement was. If you had been before, you were excited that you could go again. Once a year, you piled into the car, made the trip to the carnival and experienced the magic that it had for you. As young children, the only care was the exciting rides and the possibility to win some gifts at the games. The lights at night were memorizing and the smells of the different foods that you were not allowed to eat were more than alluring. Perhaps, your parents "allowed" you to ride what they considered the safe rides..Maybe they gave you a small amount of money or you saved up some to spend on the games. I think most parents told their children that these games were rigged and you were wasting your time and money on them. Perhaps they allowed you to learn your lesson as well. You spent your money on the games and now have nothing left to buy a fresh squeezed lemonade.

But the allure of the games was there. The people running them are calling out to you, enticing you with the big gift. You see others walking around with large gifts. You tell your parents that you can win, it is real, see the prizes and more. Maybe you play and win, maybe not. But the illusion that they are real and easy is there. You cannot escape this. You have been sucked into the illusion of something that is not real.

Fast forward from your childhood to now you are the parent taking your children to the carnival. You realize the excitement, the allure and you also realize that these games just take your money. Oh the promise is there and the illusion is such, but how do you make your children understand this?

Welcome to adulthood! So many years ago, you were that child with the big eyes, the excitement and the belief that this was real. But you have spent that money trying to win that prize and walked away with nothing more than a try again buddy! You left the carnival after spending your money on foods that were bad for you, rides that upset your stomach and games that did not deliver the promise, but you still had fun. Thankfully the carnivals only come once a year.

Children that are being programmed against a parent is like going to the carnival. They are promised all the hype and told all the lies, but it does not deliver.There is promise and there is fun as well. Some of these children realize the lies when they reach an age. Some don't and hold onto the belief that the big prize exists.

Alienated children are told that the other parent is bad, they lie, they abuse and more. Children can be manipulated into believing this. The children may even provide stories themselves to substantiate the lies being told by the alienating parent. Like the carnival, they are mislead into believing something that is far from the truth.

Some of these children will mature and realize that what appeared as truth is an illusion. Some may not and old onto that belief that the other parent is bad because they are told so. There is fun, there is promises and there is prizes for accepting this. But one day they will realize.

I do not know if and when this will happen, but as a targeted parent, you MUST keep contact, tell your children that you love them and be the parent that is there for them. Promise them nothing other than unconditional love. Parents that alienate have conditions on their love---- Target parents do not.

Should the term "parental alienation" be coined something else?

2009-11-13T17:27:00.002-06:00

Nothing stirs up emotions and comments more than a discussion about parental alienation. Is it a syndrome? Should it be included in the DSM? Is it a valid argument when parents can not have access to their children in custody cases? Is it hogwash based on Gardner's background? Whatever your views are on the words of parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome, I am here to tell you that "something" is happening in custody cases worldwide.

On one side of the coin, you have groups that say that any denial of access is parental alienation. On the other side, you have groups that say they deny access of the children to the abuser and the abusers bring up parental alienation against the victim and the victims are labeled as alienators.

I wish not to write about those two sides. I wish to write about families with children, that the children had loving relationships with both parents prior to a divorce. The same families that when custody becomes the battle, one parent, turns the children against the other parent.

Children do not want their parents to divorce. They feel a sense of loss when this happens. It is the parents job to assure the children that although mom and dad no longer live together, that they both love the children and both will be a part of their lives. A parents job is to make this transition as painless as it can be. They should set aside their differences and work in concert with each other for their children. This at times can be more than difficult, but the parents are adults and should know the rules of civility and they also should possess some common sense. They are not doing this for themselves, but for their children. Unfortunately this does not happen in many cases.

In many cases a sense of greed overcomes them as well as a sense of revenge and entitlement. The children are no longer individuals, but property that is used as a bargaining chip in this game of who wins what. A spouse that has to buy a new home, has to give up possessions, and pay monetarily, but has access to the children is not losing enough. It can also go the other way, as in the spouse who get to stay in the home , gains possessions and receives monies, but has to share custody they still have not gotten enough. They lost and must win. Money plays a part in this, as to who will pay the other for their leaving the marriage, but money can be earned. The stake in the heart is the children and who gets them and who has access to them, like they are the car or house: a possession. Even if the spouse that utilizes these techniques to gain the money leverage and upper hand, the other will realize that the children still love the other parent. This is not enough for them, they have to win more. As I stated prior the "stake in the heart" is the loss of the children and the best way to accomplish this is to have the children state they hate the other parent. Worse yet is allegations of abuse to the child by the parent. This may very well lead to the other parent losing all rights to see the child and to have any relationship with the child. This is the "win" that many parents see. This is alienation. Definition of alienation: withdrawing or separation of a person or a person's affections from an object or position of former attachment

It does not matter to me what the phrase is called. It is the loss of the affection with the children. Call it custodial interference, call it denial of parenting time, call it SOMETHING! But dammit, realize that there are some parents out there that claim they love their children and want the best for them, but deny them access, knowledge, and more to the other parent. This is not love, it is not protection, it is selfishness, greed, and revenge.

Children do not wake up one day and claim abuse. Children do not wake up one day and claim they hate the other parent. Children are not sharing a happy and loving relationship for years and decide that abuse took place years ago suddenly. Children are being coached to state things beyond their understanding in these cases. They parrot the other parents ideas and thoughts, statements that are well beyond their comprehension or even their cares at the stage they are in. For example: "You do not take me to get my hair cut, it is always Mom (Dad) that does". "You have too much furniture in your home". "You buy me dress clothes too much". Mom (Dad) only buys my clothes at Walmart, Target(insert other non high dollar store name)". "Mom (Dad) has to drive to your house for drop-offs and pickups". I don't need mom (dad) as much anymore in my life". Theses are not concerns of children, but what parents say to brainwash the children to say to those that make the decisions in custody cases.

This is epidemic and happens daily around the world. Call it alienation, call it interference, call it denial of parenting, call it something. BUT, see it as it is....one parent using their children as pawns, as possessions, as bargaining chips to "win" revenge against the former spouse and to make them pay the ultimate price. The loss of a child's love for them and access to their children. Ultimately the children lose the most. They lose a parent who loves them. If this is not abuse, then I do not know what is.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Today is Halloween

2009-10-31T09:48:00.002-05:00

Halloween Graphics

Another day without my son.
For something you accuse that I have done
I miss out on Halloween fun
With my son
You still think you have won
But I still have a son.

OK, bad attempt at a poem. Halloween, either you get caught up in the celebration or you don't. This was a time for me that was fun. I picked out a costume for my son, with his help of course, bought candy, braved the cold, rain or snow, and walked a neighborhood begging for candy. As he got older we visited haunted houses or other supposed scary activities. it was all in fun, but it really was more of special times that we both could look back on and reminisce. I loved hearing him say, "Remember Mom, the time you took me to that place and we went trick or treating" and other memories.

Every time something special comes around, be it the Christian or other religious holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, target parents look back at the special times they had with their children. Many have lost those special times.

While my son is now an adult legally, I doubt I am missing the trick or treating times and his dressing up in a costume, but I still wonder what he is doing.

As for my poem: My ex accused me of many heinous things and attempted to strip me of my parental rights. I lost many special times and memories with my son, but I did not lose my son as my ex wished the courts would have granted.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

some thoughts about parental alienation

2009-10-10T10:18:00.002-05:00

Through my own experiences dealing with parental alienation and with talking to those that experience first hand and others, I have come up with some thoughts of my own. I would like your feedback as well.

I had a conversation the other day with a young adult, age 23, whose parents are divorced. She has no idea of my situation. I do not believe that parental alienation played a huge part in her parent's divorce, although there could have been some naive alienation going on by both parents. What struck a chord with me, was a comment that she made. She did not want to know about her parent's divorce, did not want to know the cause, she just wanted to be able to love them both without feeling she had to hear anything of the past. I got a sense that now, both or one parents wanted to tell their side of the story. She stated this divorce was not about her. She is right.

In my previous post about what does love have to do with it and letting go, I think I hit upon something. Something that seems to make more sense as time goes on. I think the degree of parental alienation is directly related to the age of the child, time spent with the child before alienation became apparent and the level of the alienation employed by the alienating parent. This is not to say that some cases are easier, because any parent that experiences this can never recover the lost years.

If you are a target parent, never ever give up hope. Please keep contact, even if you are the one doing all the contact. Develop a thick skin and let the hurtful comments slide off. Keep a log, diary, online blog, something that chronicles your contact and love for your child. Get a facebook page or a myspace page or whatever the social networking pages that your child may have. You nay not be friends with them, but post pictures of them, let them know you love them. Someone will see them and tell your child this. Call on birthdays, holidays and more. Leave a message, it may not be returned. Gather a box and place cards, gifts, whatever you have to into, that one day your child will see you never gave up. Don't stop being a parent that loves a child that can not do things just because the courts and your ex spouse has made it seem this way. You are just being the silent parent for now. I truly believe that these children taken away from the target parents will one day return.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

What does love have to do with it?

2009-09-08T17:58:00.002-05:00

Today while researching some quotes I came across one that everyone has seen or read before. I read it and thought how profound it is.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with"

How does this relate to target parents and alienated children? As target parents we have to find the time to let go. As alienated children, they may feel they have been set free. What if they never return to us? What if they do?

I truly believe that the children that have been alienated against the target parent will someday return. Target parents have to keep the hope, faith and belief that they will. They must also maintain or attempt to maintain contact as well.

If you are a target parent, keep hoping, praying, believing and doing everything you can, even though you feel it will get you nowhere. Send cards, keep a copy for your records. Take notes and make a journal of your contact, Write your thoughts down. I do believe that one day, your child or children will read it and realize.

Never give up hope!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Missed the 1500 day mark

2009-08-28T13:25:00.003-05:00

So today, August 28, 2009 is day 1503 that my son has not said that he loved me. I guess after some time, you miss these milestones. Just for the record1503 days = 4.11507763 years.

Things will change! I know it, I just have to keep doing what I do. Love my son and let him know that.

what can be done to stop parental alienation?

2009-08-28T10:22:00.002-05:00

Question: What can be done to stop parental alienation?
Answer: That is a difficult question to answer, because everyone has their own ideas, but no one seems to care, except for those affected by this abuse.

Perhaps, that is a harsh answer, but it seems to be the reality of this abuse that happens to children.

Children being left in cars in the scorching heat, children being approached by a pedophile, children being killed all gather headlines and rightfully so. These are abuses and of the worst physical kind. There are headlines about children being kidnapped by the other parent, but the emphasis is not on the emotional abuse that the child experiences by being denied the other parent. The emphasis is either on the abuse that is "alleged" that lead to the parental kidnapping, or how tragic it will be that the child may be "forced" to return to the other parent. I do not deny that some parents take their children in what they consider a "good faith" attempt to protect their children from abuse, BUT these parents also do not realize that denying a child knowledge to the other parent is also abuse.

Some may question my views on this. Most that have experienced a divorce, "knows" that the other person is whatever words one can use to describe a terrible person. Sure, they have cheated, lied, abused you, etc, but they still are the person you selected as your spouse and was the other parent. Now suddenely they are not worthy of love from a child or children you conceived together? This makes no sense to me.

So what to do about the system that does not care about these children subjected to this type of abuse? Make new laws against this crime? This sounds good in theory, but the sad fact remains that the current laws or suggestions are not enforced and there is no punishment for the willful and direct violation of these.

Every parenting plan that I have seen has some statements such as:
The willingness and ability of each of the parents to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and the other parent, consistent with the bests interests of the child;
The following are the rights of a parent during those times when the child is not in the care of that parent.
That parent has the right:
To be free of derogatory remarks made about such parent or such parent's family by the other parent to or in the presence of the child;
To unimpeded telephone conversations with the child at least twice each week at reasonable times and for a reasonable duration;

Of course there are several more suggestions, but any target parent can tell you that these basic rights above are rarley followed and that the "system" does not punish either for these so called violations.

So are new laws needed? Yes perhaps, but FIRST the current suggestions need to be followed with some form of punishment for the parent that disregards them. Until then, this emotional abuse of children caught in the crossfire of divorces will continue. There can be all sort of laws, but if the basic rights of parents are not encouraged and followed, then all the laws on the books mean absolutely nothing. If a parent is not punished for disreagreding a child's need to know and love both parents without prejudice, all the laws on the books is futile.

I urge everyone that has experienced parental alienation to speak out. Tell your story!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

My thoughts for the day

2009-08-01T15:50:00.002-05:00

I have taken a break from posting, as many of my followers are aware. During this time, I have been sitting back listening to people talk and thinking about what they have said. One thing, I have noticed is the way things were said.

Two examples I would like to mention are two people that are divorced and they had children with their spouses. One person is male and the other is female. I attempt to be fair minded and have always stated that parental alienation is not gender based. The male hates his ex wife with all his being. He can not say one word nice about her. The female hates her ex with all her being and also can not say one word nice about him. When I mention that they had children, both claim what a jerk the spouse was and how they do not matter. I also heard that the children do not like the other parent. If asked why, the answer is because they saw what a jerk the spouse was. They both were quick to point out all the faults of the ex spouse, without my questioning them. They also state how much better the children would be without having contact with the other parent.

This is the behavior that makes me sick. I do not like what my ex did to me, but he and I did have a child together and at one time shared loving feelings. I can trash talk him with the rest, but I also can find some nice things to say about him as well. He cannot return the favor and neither can the two that I wrote about either.

When a parent has such hatred in their hearts for the other parent, it affects their ability to be a good parent. They constantly look for opportunities to plant the seeds of hatred about the other parent. When a parent cannot have the interests of their children above their own, they are selfish.

If you encounter parents that are attempting to plant seeds of hatred about their ex, realize that there are two sides to every story. I would also wonder what the motive was as well.

This is how parental alienation works. Deep seated hatred for the ex, followed by multiple stories that sway you to believe their story and acceptance that the child is better off without the other parent in their life. While the parent works on gathering their army of believers, the child is already enmeshed and telling stories as well.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Hello and a quick post

2009-07-01T17:29:00.002-05:00

Hello to everyone!

I am working on a few posts, that I hope to get published soon.

As we near the 4th of July and the celebration of Independence Day, I can only hope that those that are held hostage by the means of parental alienation can somehow find some liberation.

The more that I sit back, reflect and ponder, I have come to realize that parental alienation is a continuation of domestic violence, a control issue and it is most definitely child abuse. I disagree with the groups that want to so call protect their children from the abuse by denying them the knowledge and association with the other parent. Children will seek out these things as they get older and if this so called abuse was a dreamed up idea by a parent as a means to control, the children will figure this out one day. I am sorry if you disagree, but two people made this child and this child has the right to know both parents, no matter the alleged adults feelings towards each other. I have also written that the laws need to change. I agree they need to change, but FIRST the current laws need to be enforced.

I hope to be able to touch on these subjects in my following posts.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the Abuse!

"My Story" the intro

2009-06-12T16:47:00.003-05:00

There are three sides to every story....her side, his side and in between lies the truth. It is supposed to be up to the judges to decide which side they believe more per se and weed through the rest of the BS. The judges are supposed to rule in the best interests of the child and are supposed to use the laws and enforce them. Unfortunately, this does not happen. This is where I want my story to focus on. I may have to go back to pre divorce to make a point, but I really want to focus on the fact that there are laws that the judges DO NOT enforce and basically IGNORE! This is the injustice that alienating parents face. A gross injustice! Parental rights are being violated.

My thoughts for the day

2009-06-12T15:46:00.002-05:00

I have been doing alot of thinking here lately. How to proceed to "tell my story", what to write about and how to go on with life with that empty hole that parental alienation leaves.

I recently experienced an unexpected death of a family member. It was quite a shock. It was not real until the day of the funeral. I will miss this person, but I also know that they will not be back to visit and will not have to wonder when the next time will be that I see them. A closure of sorts, I guess. In parental alienation, it is a death, but without closure. With death, you can be mad and angry that they left, but know they will never be back. You can visit them at their grave. You know the phone number you had for them is now disconnected, not because they avoid your calls, but because they are not there. With PA, you know your child is there, but refuses to answer. You worry about them and know if something happened, you may never know about it. There is no closure. Perhaps that means there is hope that they will one day see the light of truth, or mature enough to know better. You can only hope and pray that the lies they have been told, entice them to seek the truth one day.

This leads me to another thought as well. I will begin my journey into my PAS story today. First of all, I want to say there are three sides to every story out there. Her side, His side and between the two, the truth. Which party told more of the truth, is for those to figure out. There is no innocent person when it comes to parental alienation. One perpetrates knowingly and the other enables, many times unknowingly. I can refer to my story with documentation, notes, court documents, arrest records, police records and much more. I found that this diligence got me no where in the courts of law. I could impeach the credibility of my ex many times, but again it was futile. Somehow, it will eventually work out, or so I am told.

Stay tuned as I gather my thoughts for another post.

Back Again!

2009-06-08T18:23:00.003-05:00

I would like to thank those that sent me emails saying they missed my posts and to those that offered words of support and wisdom. Please forgive me for not responding though. I am still taking this all in and deciding how to proceed with this blog. For the moment, I will still remain anonymous so I protect my son's identity. That is of the up most importance to me.

My lack of posting was for several reasons. I got hit with several computer viruses, malware and trojans. I attempted to save some money by "fixing" the problem myself, but I ended up having to take my computer in to the shop. An expensive lesson! Yes, I use anti viral software, but the nasty I got bypassed my settings. My other reasons for not posting were due to personal issues. I have experienced a death that hit everyone very hard. I needed to grieve this as well. My son graduated from high school and I was dealing with the difficulties associated with attending his graduation. I did attend his graduation, but felt like an intruder that night. Since that night, I have not been able to contact my son either.

Anger and bitterness, although justified, does not make for good posting.

So, I will start out again posting, perhaps slow, but with thought or so I hope.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

I am back...sort of

2009-05-25T14:01:00.002-05:00

Hello!

I know it has been some time since I have posted. I have been stressed in many areas of my life. Work, extended family and the end of legal battle for my son, has taken a toil on me. I have been trying to decide which avenue I take next. Do I continue this blog anonymously, or do I start posting some of my story? My intention is not to discredit the father of our son, but to post some of the court documents that show or perhaps prove that the family court of law is messed up. Of course, if I choose to post documents, the father of our son will not appear as a man of honor, or the man that our son thought he was. This could also cause the family courts to be exposed as well.

I think this is what every target parent faces. Do we tell the truth and appear like we are trying to make our children hate the other parent, or do we suffer in silence? The current laws will never be upheld or changed if we do not tell our story. If we tell our story, we can be looked upon as another alienating parent. For the record, the counselor has stated for me to let it go and to let our son figure it out. My point: impeach the credibility.

What do you think?

Moms

2009-05-06T18:30:00.003-05:00

I am sure we have all seen versions of this email circulating the Internet. I copied and pasted a portion of it. You can substitute the word Dad for Mom in this as well. The point is children naturally progress through these stages. In parental alienation, the target parents only hope this progression does happen.

The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that,either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
75 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

Just an update

2009-05-05T17:58:00.003-05:00

I figured I better update this blog so I do not lose any followers. I have not died, I have not forgotten about parental alienation, I have not stopped thinking about entries that I can post. What has happened is that I am angry right now about some personal issues in my own alienation case and have not been able to post. I am not of any help to anyone, if I can not overcome my own anger and place my writings into something constructive.

I have been very careful in my writings, or so I think, that I do not identify my case. Right now, I fear that if I post my feelings, I will write something that identifies my case, my son or my ex. I have tried to be respectful of that. I am not sure if I should post the details of my case. If I did, I would have to post documents, pictures and files.

What are your feelings or thoughts about this?

I Dreamed a Dream

2009-04-17T15:48:00.008-05:00

What does this video have to do with parental alienation? Not a thing! I think you should watch the video and then read how I attempt to tie this in to my thoughts for the day.

I would like to include the lyrics to the song that she sang.

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

Although the lyrics seem somewhat dark and seem to bash men, I would like to somehow attempt to tie this into the lives that target parents live, albeit target parents are both fathers and mothers. Target parents live a life of a broken dream. Their marriage failed and the spouse that shared their dreams of children now refuse to allow the contact. We dreamed that our marriage would last forever, we would watch our children grow and develop into adults together and enjoy the next generation of our lives. Those ideas are now just dreams that we pray to God to allow us to have. Many parents do not have the opportunity to watch these dreams. We long for the contact with our children, we wonder and worry.

What struck me about this video was the unassuming presence of the singer. It is obvious by watching the expressions of the judges and the people that the camera focuses in at the beginning of the video. The singer looked shy and very out of place as she walked onto the stage. Then she started to sing. If you are a fan of American Idol, many are aware that Simon Cowell does not show favorable expressions and can be quite mean in his commentaries. The smile that came over his face was priceless. ( Simon, you have a great smile!) The audience was on their feet. I would imagine that anyone who ran into this singer never gave her a second look. They were not aware of her potential. They may have even had some prejudiced opinions of her as well. Target parents are the same. You can encounter a target parent and never know. They may attempt to tell the story, but one may not be interested. It is when that one voice that grabs the attention of the masses, that will be when everyone else will take notice about parental alienation.

I had a dream...it was the dream that no child will ever have to make a choice about which parent they can love...they will be free to love both of them without fear of punishment...the courts will recognize the damage that alienation of the love and affection of parent by the means of a selfish parent will stop. I dream that this living hell will end!

HD link with subtitles worth watching to this video!

Not sure about your thoughts, but I came away with an appreciation for the "underdog" and was in tears.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

I have not quit posting

2009-04-05T18:10:00.004-05:00

I have not quit posting on my blog. I have taken a break from dealing with parental alienation and have been spending time for myself. Some may call it selfish, but as a target parent, I need a break. This allows me time to focus on myself and to better myself as well. This will make me stronger to deal with the long term effects that parental alienation has.

I have not stopped thinking about what my next post will be, but it allows me clarity when I make my next post.

Please stay tuned for my next post, which I hope I will make in the next few days.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

more opinions about the PAS does not exist

2009-03-08T15:16:00.003-05:00

I see I will have to write things that I wished I did not have to write, but I hope that it gives those that read this blog a better understanding of my opinions about parental alienation.

I grew up in what many call today a strict home. You went to school, you were expected to bring home grades according to your ability and pushed to achieved better, you went to church, you participated in the community, you were respectful to adults, you respected your parents authority, you knew you would be punished at school and then at home if you did anything wrong, you did not call adults by their first name, and I could go on.

I remember a few things about my childhood, such as family trips, spending time with my grandparents, going to church when I did not want to, getting grounded for bad grades and more.

One thing that does stick in my mind was when my parents were having a bad patch in their marriage. I remember my dad getting mad at my mother and yelling. I remember being packed up to go to our grandmothers' home to spend the night. I remember having to sleep on a small bed with my brother and remember not sleeping that night as well. I remember my mom saying our dad was mean and other things. I remember hating my dad that night because I could not sleep in my bed and had to stay at my grandmother's home. I loved my grandmother and enjoyed staying with her, but I did not like it this way.

Why did I hate my dad that night? Was it because I remember him yelling at my mom or was it because my mom "helped" me remember more things about my dad?

As I got older, I remember my mom complaining about my dad. He was mean, he beat her, he cheated on her. Mind you, I never saw him beat her or cheat on her and from what I knew of my dad, he was not the cheating type. Of course I could be wrong as well. Did he yell? Sure! Do I yell at times? Sure! Does that mean we abuse people? Raising my voice in frustration does not make me an abuser. Raising my voice, not knowing when to quit and taking that frustration and using swear words and using physical violence makes me abusive, but this I never did, nor did I see my dad do this.

The more my mom talked about divorcing my dad, the more I realized she was wanting me to hate him along with her. It was the "two against one" theory. I didn't hate my dad and even if he did all these bad things, I did not want to know about them. I just wanted to have my dad.

As I grew older and got out on my own and had my own interpersonal relationships, I started to realize that perhaps my mother was very controlling. She was protective as well, but where does that protective trait and controlling trait overlap? Was she trying to protect me from an abusive father or was she controlling my thoughts? I would later realize that my father was not the man she made him out to be. I would also suspect that perhaps my mom suffered from some personality disorder as well. I could not prove this, I could only surmise this from reading.

Bottom line is that I love both my parents, they have faults as well. I dislike that my mom tried to persuade me to hate my dad. They are both still my mom and dad though and I love both of them.

For parents that think they are protecting their children from abuse, when it actually is a control issue, be advised...children see things and remember things. I do not like what my ex did to me during our marriage and after, but that does not mean he is not the father of our son. Our son will still love both parents, we are the ones that made it possible for him to be here.

Stop trying to place your children in the middle of your own cause and let them be children who can love both parents. Let them grow up to decide for themselves. Your influence may very well backfire on you.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

An argument about PAS

2009-03-08T14:03:00.004-05:00

What is it with these "PAS does not exist groups"?

I received this comment and I would like to expand on it.

PAS is fake syndrome made up by Richard gardner, a man who claimed pedophilia is good and that the only problem was when the non pedo parents complained. One should get the facts and not be taken in by a few statements which make untrue claims.Check out Richard gardner and get the truth.CHILD ABUSE is beating a child, raping a child and killing a child. Forcing a child to live with an abusive parent is abuse.A child knows the truth and a child love is not destroyed by another but when a parent is abusive than it is natural the child might not want to be with that parent but even than many children will still lave the abuser.Courts should look in all the evidence and not make assumptions and when the court has the evidence that one parent is lying than to consider that very seriously. No child should be forced to live with abuse and no parent should be prevented from protection the child

While I respect your opinion, I think you are also an alienating parent. Child abuse also encompasses emotional and mental abuse. If you think denying a child their parent, no matter what the partner did to you, you are an alienating parent. As for your claims about Richard Gardner, you are making claims that I would like to see court documents supporting your allegations. Dr. Gardner also committed suicide, so he is not here to defend the allegations that these “PAS does not exist” groups make. There have been several studies done based upon the research that Dr. Gardner did and these studies support that parents will enmesh their children into their world and encourage their children to hate the other parent. If you think this is not abuse, then you are very sadly mistaken. Do you think that alienating parents that encourage, brainwash and enmesh these children to hate and despise a parent is not abuse? Do you think that a child that loved you for 14 years and loved his father as well, suddenly turns against one parent is not an indication of abuse? Answer why a child who loved both parents, had access to both parents, suddenly despises one parent? Do you think that one parent encouraged this child to think “their” way? This is what parental alienation is about.

I am sorry that your ex abused you and possibly your child, but if you think that denying your children to love the other parent is doing them a favor, you may wake up several years later to find yourself the target parent. Children will seek out the other parent one day and you better hope that all your “stories” support how your children will feel.

Supposedly I am an alcoholic, a drug addict, and an abuser, but these have never been proven. I continue my life as I always have and one day, my son will realize the truth. I have found that those who make such far fetched allegations are making statements based upon their own behaviors. It has proven true so far in my case. I am not the one with court documents of arrest and other allegations against me.

Let me ask…why are you so afraid that your children may one day want to seek out the other parent? If everything you claim is true, then you have nothing to worry about. If not then……….

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

My discussion about the "best interests of the child"

2009-03-07T11:33:00.003-06:00

Referring back to a previous post where I copied and pasted the TN law about child custody. I would like to post some of my contradictions about the "best interests of the child" concerning child custody when parental alienation is present. My opinions will follow each section.

36-6-106. Child custody. —

(a) In a suit for annulment, divorce, separate maintenance, or in any other proceeding requiring the court to make a custody determination regarding a minor child, the determination shall be made on the basis of the best interest of the child. The court shall consider all relevant factors, including the following, where applicable:
(1) The love, affection and emotional ties existing between the parents or caregivers and the child;
Children do not hate parents, they want to love both of them. In custody cases where a child does not have a dislike or hatred for a parent, then I believe the judge must make an informed decision. If a child or parent states that the child is afraid of the parent, hates the parent or does not need the other parent, then the courts must look at this further.
(2) The disposition of the parents or caregivers to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, education and other necessary care and the degree to which a parent or caregiver has been the primary caregiver;
In my case, I was the primary caregiver even while married. Our son had regular medical checkups including doctor, specialists, dental and eye appointments. He was given the best education that money could afford, including tutors when needed. He was provided with clothing, toys, and other things children want and do not need and encouraged to participate in extra curricular activities, as long as it did not interfere with his father's visitation. After he went to live with his father, he did not continue regular medical or dental visits, and was encouraged to participate in extra curricular activities that did interfere with my visitation.
(3) The importance of continuity in the child's life and the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment; provided, that, where there is a finding, under subdivision (a)(8), of child abuse, as defined in § 39-15-401 or § 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in § 37-1-602, by one (1) parent, and that a nonperpetrating parent or caregiver has relocated in order to flee the perpetrating parent, that the relocation shall not weigh against an award of custody;
My son lived with me for 14 years in a clean home that provided all the necessities of life. He was given more as I was able to afford. He attended a church weekly and was encouraged to give back to the community as well. My relocation's have been in the same town that our son was born in. Moves have been to better areas of town or bigger apartments until I purchased my home. My ex husband has moved from the area. I do not have any criminal records. I do not have any violations for my driving record. I have not been fired from a job or lapses in employment. My ex husband has those, including domestic violence arrests. I have not remarried since our divorce, my ex husband has remarried at least twice.
(4) The stability of the family unit of the parents or caregivers;
In my case, I have not remarried, my ex has at least twice. I think family courts should investigate the backgrounds of partners as well. Enough said!
(5) The mental and physical health of the parents or caregivers;
Parents who alienate their children DO have some mental health issues.
(6) The home, school and community record of the child;
In my case, our son attended the best schools that I could afford and was on the course of college prep. If and when he needed extra, I paid for tutors as well. The schooling was not included in the child support order. He did community service and attended church as well with me. When he had extra curricular activities that required parental attendance his father was always invited. I can not even get school pictures. Our son's absences from school were minimal to non existent when he lived with me. His record since he lives with his father could border on truancy.
(7) (A) The reasonable preference of the child, if twelve (12) years of age or older;
(B) The court may hear the preference of a younger child on request. The preferences of older children should normally be given greater weight than those of younger children;
This needs to be stricken from this law. A parent that is alienating a child will brainwash a child and the child will state they want to live with the other parent. My experience has been that the judges will listen to this and state they can not make a child live where they do not want to be. Let me ask, when the child says they do not want to go to school, do you allow this as well? Judges must find out why a child requests to live with another parent. Is it true abuse, is it brainwashing, is it because one parent is more lenient than the other, is it because one parent buys more than the other?
(8) Evidence of physical or emotional abuse to the child, to the other parent or to any other person; provided, that, where there are allegations that one (1) parent has committed child abuse, as defined in § 39-15-401 or § 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in § 37-1-602, against a family member, the court shall consider all evidence relevant to the physical and emotional safety of the child, and determine, by a clear preponderance of the evidence, whether such abuse has occurred. The court shall include in its decision a written finding of all evidence, and all findings of facts connected to the evidence. In addition, the court shall, where appropriate, refer any issues of abuse to the juvenile court for further proceedings;
Parental alienation is emotional abuse!
(9) The character and behavior of any other person who resides in or frequents the home of a parent or caregiver and the person's interactions with the child; and
Background checks could be helpful...enough said!
(10) Each parent or caregiver's past and potential for future performance of parenting responsibilities, including the willingness and ability of each of the parents and caregivers to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and both of the child's parents, consistent with the best interest of the child.
Alienating parents will not encourage a relationship between the children and other parent. They will do everything they can to terminate the relationship.
(b) Notwithstanding the provisions of any law to the contrary, the court has jurisdiction to make an initial custody determination regarding a minor child or may modify a prior order of child custody upon finding that the custodial parent has been convicted of or found civilly liable for the intentional and wrongful death of the child's other parent or legal guardian.
(c) As used in this section, “caregiver” has the meaning ascribed to that term in § 37-5-501.
(d) Nothing in subsections (a) and (c) shall be construed to affect or diminish the constitutional rights of parents that may arise during and are inherent in custody proceedings.

[Acts 1995, ch. 428, § 2; 1998, ch. 1003, § 1; 1998, ch. 1095, §§ 2, 3; 2000, ch. 683, § 2; 2007, ch. 245, §§ 1-3.]

Unfortunately the judges do not want to investigate the reasons behind many custody cases. They request that mediation take place as they believe this sets a better tone. Mediation can work, but not in cases of parental alienation. The alienator is a bully, a liar, a manipulator and a con artist who is the master at their game. The laws must change and parental alienation must be recognized as the abuse it is. Until then, children will be living with abusers and the courts will do nothing to stop it.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

A sober thought...link from another blog

2009-03-07T09:59:00.003-06:00

I came across this link today. On the left hand side of this blog, there is this statement:

A Sober Thought
The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a chid . It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.”

This is what parental alienation is about. One parent teaching their children to hate. Children do not hate instinctively. They are taught either by words, actions or both. The parent who teaches their children to hate the other parent is a danger to their children's mental and emotional health. The courts, judges, Guardian Ad Litem's, and attorney's need to recognize parental alienation and must have the laws that support parental alienation as abuse behind them. This abuse must stop.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the Abuse!

HB 0831 by Jones S. (SB 0829 by Marrero B.) introduction to the TN General Assembly

2009-02-28T07:51:00.003-06:00

This link was brought to my attention about a house/senate bill being considered in the Tennessee General Assembly. According to this link this bill states "Evidence - As introduced, prohibits the admission of any evidence concerning parental alienation syndrome in any proceeding involving a custody determination of a minor child. - Amends TCA Title 24, Chapter 7 and Title 36." According to TN law concerning custody determination, I came across this link. For chapter 36-6-106. Child custody it states:

36-6-106. Child custody. —

(a) In a suit for annulment, divorce, separate maintenance, or in any other proceeding requiring the court to make a custody determination regarding a minor child, the determination shall be made on the basis of the best interest of the child. The court shall consider all relevant factors, including the following, where applicable:
(1) The love, affection and emotional ties existing between the parents or caregivers and the child;
(2) The disposition of the parents or caregivers to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, education and other necessary care and the degree to which a parent or caregiver has been the primary caregiver;
(3) The importance of continuity in the child's life and the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment; provided, that, where there is a finding, under subdivision (a)(8), of child abuse, as defined in § 39-15-401 or § 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in § 37-1-602, by one (1) parent, and that a nonperpetrating parent or caregiver has relocated in order to flee the perpetrating parent, that the relocation shall not weigh against an award of custody;
(4) The stability of the family unit of the parents or caregivers;
(5) The mental and physical health of the parents or caregivers;
(6) The home, school and community record of the child;
(7) (A) The reasonable preference of the child, if twelve (12) years of age or older;
(B) The court may hear the preference of a younger child on request. The preferences of older children should normally be given greater weight than those of younger children;
(8) Evidence of physical or emotional abuse to the child, to the other parent or to any other person; provided, that, where there are allegations that one (1) parent has committed child abuse, as defined in § 39-15-401 or § 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in § 37-1-602, against a family member, the court shall consider all evidence relevant to the physical and emotional safety of the child, and determine, by a clear preponderance of the evidence, whether such abuse has occurred. The court shall include in its decision a written finding of all evidence, and all findings of facts connected to the evidence. In addition, the court shall, where appropriate, refer any issues of abuse to the juvenile court for further proceedings;
(9) The character and behavior of any other person who resides in or frequents the home of a parent or caregiver and the person's interactions with the child; and
(10) Each parent or caregiver's past and potential for future performance of parenting responsibilities, including the willingness and ability of each of the parents and caregivers to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and both of the child's parents, consistent with the best interest of the child.
(b) Notwithstanding the provisions of any law to the contrary, the court has jurisdiction to make an initial custody determination regarding a minor child or may modify a prior order of child custody upon finding that the custodial parent has been convicted of or found civilly liable for the intentional and wrongful death of the child's other parent or legal guardian.
(c) As used in this section, “caregiver” has the meaning ascribed to that term in § 37-5-501.
(d) Nothing in subsections (a) and (c) shall be construed to affect or diminish the constitutional rights of parents that may arise during and are inherent in custody proceedings.

[Acts 1995, ch. 428, § 2; 1998, ch. 1003, § 1; 1998, ch. 1095, §§ 2, 3; 2000, ch. 683, § 2; 2007, ch. 245, §§ 1-3.]

This bill would contradict the 36-6-106 Child Custody rules that already exist. I looked at section 10 which states: (10) Each parent or caregiver's past and potential for future performance of parenting responsibilities, including the willingness and ability of each of the parents and caregivers to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and both of the child's parents, consistent with the best interest of the child. A parent who is participating in alienating the child from the other parent does not facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the child and other parent. Alienating parents are obsessed with intentionally destroying the relationship between the child and the targeted parent. The alienating parent will lie to the child about the targeted parent’s true feelings. They will encourage the child to believe that the targeted parent is harmful. They will attempt to erase the targeted parent from the child’s life. This is NOT encouraging a close and continuing relationship between the child and both parents.

I could argue most of the other points as well, but I think the above is important. Whomever came up with this bill for consideration has not researched parental alienation thoroughly. If this bill were to pass, children in the state of Tennessee will suffer the most.

If you reside in Tennessee, contact your lawmakers and urge them to vote against this bill for consideration.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

My experience talking about parental alienation

2009-02-18T17:03:00.002-06:00

I ruffled some feathers today. It was not intentional, but it happened. I figured saying I ruffled some feathers sounded better than saying I pissed some people off today. OK, now I said it!

I know where my heart is concerning the topic of parental alienation and I am pretty sure I know where I stand concerning parental alienation too. A situation arose today that sent some red flags up for me and I acted upon them. In this situation, the father, was the one I suspected of being either alienated or very much in the process of being alienated. I spoke to the father privately and gave him a flyer about parental alienation and also gave him my email address and name. I am not sure if others around me knew I did this, but I did see some things and overheard conversations later that made me angry. To protect identity's, I will not elaborate any further about the situation.

I do want to point out that I write this blog based on my personal experiences and from those I know affected by parental alienation. I am female, I am a mother, and I feel my ex husband did a number on me, does not care about our child and uses our child to hurt me as well. This is not about me or my ex husband. This is about children being torn from parents that love them and the children want the relationship with both parents, but one parent carries out the revenge by convincing their children to hate a parent. I think my ex is a chump, but does that mean he does not love our son or want a relationship with him. This is not for me to decide. Unfortunately, my ex decided that our son wants nothing to do with me. That was not his decision either.

I wish parents, who are supposed to be the adults, could put aside the personal feelings they have for the ex partner and let these children love both parents. This is what I stand for.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Missing you on Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T09:02:00.003-06:00

Myspace Graphics, Valentine's Day Graphics at WishAFriend.com

Today is the day that many exchange cards, candy, flowers and gifts with those we love. When I grew up, I got a small box of candy from my parents as well as a card. I continued that tradition with my son. This year, I do not get to continue that tradition with my son. So yes Son, I am missing you on Valentine's Day.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

1300 days

2009-02-06T17:58:00.003-06:00

Today is day 1300 since my son said he loved me. I guess I could look at as 3 years, 6 months, 20 days or 112,320,000 seconds or 1,872,000 minutes or 31,200 hours or 185 weeks. Perhaps I should not look at it in those terms. I could also look at it as there are other parents who have had a much longer time since they have heard their child utter these words or even seen them for that fact. Do you think that parental alienation does not hurt?

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Super Bowl XLIII

2009-02-01T10:53:00.004-06:00

OK I admit, I not a big sports fan, but will admit that I have to watch the Super Bowl. There is something about this event that makes me a sports fan for the day. Maybe it is the commercials! Whatever the reason, I will be watching this afternoon and will cheer the underdogs today. Why? Target parents are the underdogs in the fight against parental alienation, so I have to cheer for all the target parents who are experiencing parental alienation and hoping they win. Go Cardinals!

To those that are having parties today, have fun and be careful!

To my son today, I want to let you know that I will be watching today and thinking of you. I know you will be watching the Super Bowl.

Not sure what I should title this today

2009-01-31T09:19:00.003-06:00

In my previous entry I stated that I left a comment on this blog. I thought is may interesting to see the response that was left to my comment.

Alienated mom, you are surrounded in your own bullshit. Don’t come trying to convince anyone without doing the research and getting your facts straight.

You applaud the decision of a judge to now “alienate” the other parent? That doesn’t make any sense.

There may be parents who intentionally brainwash, but it is a little something that everyone is guilty of, brainwashing against neighbors, friends, schools systems, methods of thought…but then there are those that tell their children the truth, or the children are able to accept the truth themselves…that is not brainwashing. Children often side with their abusers, which is why they may not initially “turn” until confronted with the information and realizing it as abuse. Sometimes, indeed, they have to have space from their abusers. Children feel guilty about having been abused and wonder what they could have done to stop it. That is why children need protection.

Conceiving a son out of love means nothing in my book. We all FUCK from time to time and get pregnant, pregnancy is the result of fucking where there is no contraception, or failed contraception. Just because two people were present for the sex doesn’t mean they feel the same way about the child.

A child has a right to know his father? Who is disputing this? A child has a right to know whatever he or she wants to know and what is best for the child’s health, including separating that child from an abusive parent…ya know, because abusing a child’s parent, or caretaker, in FRONT of the child IS CHILD ABUSE–DUH. What child deserves to witness abuse?

Oh yeah, remind the child that he/she was conceived in love, that’ll fix it.

Give me a percentage of fathers included in these studies!!!

Part of the rule of statistical information is YOU MUST KNOW THE RESEARCHER AND THE RESEARCHER’S AFFILIATIONS AND POTENTIAL BIASES.

How clever PAS supporters think they can “brainwash” us into forgetting about Dr. Pedophile Gardner sex with the father is okay, it’s society that is the problem.

You are very brainwashed indeed. The Male Supremacy groups have successfully initiate a “campaign” that allowed you to accept superficial explanations and debunked “diagnosis.”

There are many things I could say in response to this comment, but I will refrain for now. I would say they do understand parental alienation as it seems obvious that they participate in this. I am assuming this is a mother that is writing this and I wonder how many children she has through the process of "fucking" as she refers to it and I also wonder how much government assistance she receives to keep her children from their father or should I say fathers? She sounds as she hates men and I sure hope she does not have any male children in her home. As for the Male Supremacy groups she refers to, those groups that spew hatred towards women are as bad as she is. Children should be allowed the right to love both parents without one parent spewing hatred against the other to convince the child to hate.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

My post for the day

2009-01-29T17:34:00.003-06:00

OK, I admit the title leaves little to be desired, but then again this post I came across today does the same. There is a controversy about parental alienation among the certain lines of thought. It exists, it does not exist, it is junk science, it is not junk science, etc., you get my point. Granted, parental alienation is not in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but the personality types of the parents who alienate their children are, such as narcissist, sociopath and such.

I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.

"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.

I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.

Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.

Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.

You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.

What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent.

http://parentalalienation.blogspot.com/"

My thoughts for the day.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

2009-01-25T09:43:00.003-06:00

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

I have had several conversations or discussions about a subject that I think I have come up with an appropriate title for my post today. There seems to be many questions when talking with other target parents about contact with their alienated child and how the court orders read. There also seems to be an opinion, by people that do not understand parental alienation, that one should let go and wait until the child matures. The main consensus seems to be to absent yourself from the child's life until the child "realizes" what has happened. This is how I came about my title today.

I have been told that I am a rebel and I guess I have to agree with that. I do not act this way to cause harm and am certainly not violent in my actions. I will question and if I believe I am correct I will seek to improve the conditions. Many of the laws we have today are because a person stood up for what they believed in and did something to help change them. This is what I identify myself with.

Many times I hear a parent say they are at a loss at what to do about their child. I ask if they see them or not and how much contact they have. Many times I hear that they are not allowed to see their child and are only allowed one phone call and can mail the child cards and gifts. I ask if they email their child and they tell me, the court order does not say I can email. These parents are afraid that if they email their child they will be held in contempt for breaking the order. I can understand completely and do not advise anyone to break a court order. I can not tell you the last time I sent something via the postal service and email communication has become the norm in many institutions for communication. My options are the same if one sends me postal mail or email. I can choose to open the postal mail and I can choose to open the email. With email, I also have a delete option, something I do not have with postal mail. To send postal mail or email, many times I have no idea if the recipient even receives the mail. I also have the option to send certified return receipt mail and I can purchase a read receipt program for my email. I consider both ways (postal and email) communication via mail. The only thing I cannot do via email is to send gifts, but I can send links for money. I guess money could be considered a gift.

When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent does everything in their power to absent the child from the target parent's life. They find excuses to deny visitation. They also talk badly about the target parent to the child in hopes that the child will believe the rumors about the target parent. If the child has no opportunity to have exposure to the target parent, their heart does not grow fonder due to the absence, instead they start believing what the alienating parent claims. They may mature and seek the truth at a later date, but I think it is important that the target parent lets their child know that they love them, miss them and are always there for them. I have heard that this contact of letting the child know they are loved and missed can be interpreted as harassment. My question is when did a parent letting their child know the special place they hold in their heart become harassment? This is what is wrong with the system that allows alienating parents to control. This is why the laws must be changed.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

The Ashley Scott murder trial in Memphis, TN...another domestic violence case

2009-01-24T15:53:00.004-06:00

I would not normally attempt to blog about a murder trial that involves domestic violence. First and foremost, having been a victim of domestic violence, I may find it difficult to be objective in my writings. Then again, this blog is about parental alienation, to which I am the target parent and I may find it hard to be objective in my writings pertaining to this as well. I do my best and attempt to be objective, but that is not always easy to do. I am writing this today because I was sent a link by a friend who asked that I make a post about this. Little did I know that this would be a labored task. I have read the blogs about the trial and also did a bit of research as well and will now attempt to write about this case.

Let me state some facts and at the end of this I will have links I used in my research for this entry. Memphis is a city in the southwest corner of the state of Tennessee and it is the county seat of Shelby County. As of 2008, Memphis had an estimated population of 677,272, making it the largest city in the state of Tennessee , the second largest in the Southeastern United States, and the 18th largest in the United States. According to an article published April 13, 2008: 63,000: Domestic violence calls received in 2007 by law enforcement agencies in Memphis and Shelby County;

24,000: Domestic violence cases investigated; 4,014: Criminal domestic violence cases handled by the Domestic Violence Prosecution Unit in 2007 -- 3,295 misdemeanors and 719 felonies; 52: Percentage of crimes against persons in Shelby County that involve domestic violence; 50: Average number of aggravated domestic violence calls to the Memphis Police Department daily, or more than 18,000 a year; 22, 27, 23, 14: Number of of domestic homicides in Memphis in 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004, respectively. According to another article published Sunday, September 7, 2008, a death that was being written about was the 27th homicide linked to domestic violence in 2008, nearly double the number (14) at this time last year. According to another article: A woman is battered every 8 to 10 seconds in the United States (3-4 million times per year); A man is battered every 16 minutes in the United States (143,000 times per year); On average, Us medical schools require only two hours of training in adult domestic violence and less than half of family practice residencies require education about Intimate Partner Abuse. Thirty-one percent of female physicians and 14% of male physicians have personally experienced domestic violence. Thirty-one percent of nurses report that they or someone in their immediate families have experienced domestic violence.

These are alarming statistics! Domestic violence happens everyday somewhere to someone you know or know of. Domestic violence knows no bounds, knows no racial lines, knows no religious affiliations and knows no gender. Although statistics seem to have a higher percentage of female victims, I believe that the male percentage may be understated.

Now onto the story about Ashley Scott.

Ashley Scott, a teacher in Memphis, was 28 years old when she was beaten to death by her husband, Jeffrey Scott. On November 23, 2006 after an evening of drinking and arguments, Jeffrey beat his wife and left her in the garage. He claims that he brought her back inside and laid her on the floor by the fireplace at approximately 9am. At approximately noon, he attempted to move her to the bed. Around 2:30pm, he called a friend, who was a medical doctor, and asked that he come to his house alone. Since it was Thanksgiving Day, Jeff knew that his friend was most likely with his family. According to documents contained in the blogs, the paramedics received the 911 call at 3:13pm. At 7:52pm, Ashley was pronounced dead due to blunt force trauma to the head.

If this link works, you can hear the 911 call. In my opinion, Jeffrey Scott sounded too calm, cold and calculating. Shock? Decide for yourself if you listen to the tape.

"Uh, my wife is unconscious," said Scott on the tape.
McGee told the jury he believed Jeffrey to be in shock. He was calm as McGee started CPR.
"How's she breathing now, is it normal," asked a 911 dispatcher.
"Yes," said Scott.
"She's dead," McGee can be heard saying in the background.
"Sir, did I hear him say she was dead," asked the dispatcher.
"Yes. That's what he said," said Scott.
"You said she was breathing," the dispatcher said.
"She was. She was just a second ago," said Scott.

The jury got to hear all the dirty laundry of the couple. They drank, perhaps even too much. Ashley had a DUI. They both had affairs. This was all done to discredit Ashley and to place the sympathy factor into the minds of the jurors. The use of alcohol was presented to discredit Ashley as she drank too much and had received a DUI. The victim is dead and cannot defend themselves, so the best thing a defense can do is to discredit them. Then the use of alcohol was brought up again, as the reason that the fight got out of control. The alcohol played a part, but it was Jeffrey's conscious decision to beat his wife and not to stop. The use of alcohol did not make him beat his wife, nor did it make him beat her to death. It became the crutch that the defense wished to use. Ashley drank, Ashely had a DUI, Ashely had a level above legal limit. All these portrayed the evils of alcohol. The defense went as far as having another doctor testify that perhaps Ashley's death was alcohol related. Then the defense raised the issue that Jeffrey had been drinking, almost saying that he was influenced by the alcohol and perhaps things got out of hand.

If you check any of the links I used to write this post, you can read the jury trial. The one thing I noticed was how familiar this story sounded. I could relate. Jeffrey was mean and abusive. He called his wife names, told her she was not a good teacher, told her she would not be a good mother, but they were supposedly attempting to have a baby. I read somewhere that Jeffrey said she would do right if she gave him a son. News flash for you! The man determines the sex of the child, the woman carries the baby until birth. He monitored her expenses, monitored her calls, monitored her friends, he was always checking up on her. Perhaps when these means of intimidation and coercion did not control his wife as he thought they should, he started in on the physical abuse. It was reported that Ashely went to school many times with heavy makeup and long sleeves, even when it was hot outside. This was done to hide the bruises.

This what abusers do. They control by any means they can and when those means stop working they up the tactics. There is a difference between constructive criticism and outright offending and demeaning remarks. I was told I could not do certain things correctly, such as wash his shirts. Therefore, his shirt had to go to the dry cleaners. Therefore, I had to allow in the budget this expense. If I tried a new recipe for dinner that did not work out, instead of a comment of this one does not work, I was told I did not know how to cook. My home was clean or so I am told by people that have visited my home several times, but I was told by my ex that I did not know how to keep a home. Never mind that he did not offer to do it the way it was supposed to be. If I did not get a joke, I was told I was stupid. If I went to the store and took longer than he thought, I was accused of having an affair and was prohibited from going to the store alone. I did not handle the finances correctly and he would take care of them, but his bills would be paid first and then if I was good, he would allow for my bills to be paid. When I started standing up for myself, the physical control started. I was one of the lucky ones and got out before he placed me in a hospital or worse.

Little did I know that the abuse would continue after our divorce by the means of parental alienation. Now he controls our son's mind, like he did me at one time.

Please if you are a victim of domestic abuse, please seek some assistance. Tell your story. I feel this is important for the male victims as I believe they are silent. Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers will use these excuses for their violence.

The jury found Jeffrey Scott guilty of second-degree murder for the beating death of his wife, and he had the same reserved manner that he displayed on a 911 call played during his trial. He faces 15 to 25 years in prison when Judge James Lammey Jr. sentences him Feb. 19. There is no parole for second-degree murder, but he could earn a time reduction of up to 15 percent for good behavior. UPDATE: Jeffrey Scott received 25 years in prison without parole.

Jeffrey Scott Murder Trial

Blog of trial

Another blog of the trial

Approve domestic violence docket

Domestic violence deaths rise in Greater Memphis

Domestic violence by the numbers: In Shelby County

Memphis, Tennessee

Domestic violence facts

Parental alienation making headlines in Canada

2009-01-24T14:03:00.005-06:00

Today, I received an email from a very dear friend who sent me a link. It seems that parental alienation has been making some headlines in Canada and that this nation realizes the damage that is being done to children that are denied the right to love the other parent. Bravo, on the decision of the judge.

Mom loses custody for alienating dad
Ruling a 'wake-up call' for parents who use kids to punish ex-partners
January 24, 2009

Tracey Tyler
LEGAL AFFAIRS REPORTER

In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.

The mother's "consistent and overwhelming" campaign to brainwash the children into thinking their father was a bad person was nothing short of emotional abuse, Justice Faye McWatt of the Superior Court of Justice wrote in her decision.

The three girls, ages 9 to 14, were brought to a downtown courthouse last Friday and turned over to their father, a vascular surgeon identified only as A.L.

Their mother, a chiropodist identified as K.D., was ordered to stay away from the building during the transfer and to have her daughters' clothing and possessions sent to their father's house.
McWatt stipulated that K.D. is to have no access to the children except in conjunction with counselling, including a special intensive therapy program for children affected by "parental alienation syndrome." The mother must bear the costs.

Harold Niman, the father's lawyer, said the decision serves as a wake-up call to parents who, "for bitterness, anger or whatever reason," decide to use their children to punish their former partners.

"Maybe if they realize the courts will actually step in and do something and there is a risk of not only losing custody, but having no contact with their children, they'll think twice about it," Niman said in an interview.

McWatt's judgment was released Jan. 16 and published on legal databases this week. By yesterday, it was a hot topic within the family law bar.

The judge said awarding A.L. sole custody was the children's only hope for having a relationship with their father, given their mother's long-running transgressions.

These include ignoring court orders, shutting the door in A.L.'s face when he came to collect the children and refusing to answer the phone when he called to say goodnight. (He was granted telephone access to say good night on Monday, Wednesday and Friday). At times, she also arranged for police to show up when her daughters had overnight visits with their father.
Eventually, K.D. cut off contact altogether, refusing to allow A.L. to see or speak with his daughters. He was reduced to shouting goodnight to them through the door of their home, often not knowing whether they were there.

"It is remarkable that A.L. has not given in to the respondent's persistence in keeping his children from him over the last fourteen years and simply gone on with his life without the children as, no doubt many other parents in the same situation would have and, indeed, have done," McWatt said.

The mother squandered several chances to change her behaviour and is unable to accept it is in her children's best interests to have a relationship with their father, the judge said.

Nicholas Bala, a Queen's University law professor who specializes in family law, said "badmouthing" or negative attitudes by one parent toward another is quite common among separated couples. But in recent years, the justice system has begun to understand the harmful effects of the worst form of this behaviour.

In most cases, the problem is resolved through counselling, where parents are encouraged to accept they'll both always be in their children's lives, said Bala. "I tell them, `... if you're the survivor, you'll be going to the other's funeral, not because you love that person, but to support your children.'

"Having said that, there are some people – and I think some of them are suffering from personality disorders – who will not respond to therapy and will not respond to directions from judges."

Transferring custody is a last resort, because "it can be quite dramatic and traumatic" – yet sometimes better than the alternative, said Bala.

"We often talk about the best interests of the child, but often it's the least detrimental alternative, really."

Bala said courts are unlikely to take such a drastic step without hearing expert testimony about what's happening in the family. A child may be avoiding a parent for legitimate reasons such as physical or emotional abuse.

McWatt heard testimony from Barbara Fidler, a Toronto mediator and clinical psychologist who predicted eight years ago the three girls were at risk of becoming alienated from their father.
The Office of the Children's Lawyer argued the family dynamics could not continue.
Fidler said research points to long-term damage in people alienated from a parent in childhood.
Children are more susceptible at about age 10 or 11, after their brains have developed to the point where they can hold positive and negative information about a parent.

If what one parent is saying about the other doesn't accord with their own perceptions, they can become confused.

In some cases, the only way out of the emotional conflict is to take one parent's side. The child can even begin inventing his or her own reasons for hating the other parent, the court was told.
Early intervention is best, Niman said."Really, parental alienation is a process. If you can nip it in the bud, that's the best advice I can give to clients.

"Because the longer it goes on, the more difficult it can be to undo."
Toronto Star

Court document:

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Parental Alienation, Domestic Violence and Terrorism, is there a common link?

2009-01-18T09:49:00.003-06:00

Hopefully, this entry today will make some sense and make one think as well. Perhaps, you can see the relation between parental alienation and domestic violence, but you may wonder where terrorism falls into this analogy. Previously I posted this: Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?

You may see a correlation between domestic violence and parental alienation, but may be wondering where I am going with the terrorism angle. Most likely the first thing that comes to mind are the terrorist acts that are committed across the globe. Those certainly are not related to parental alienation and domestic violence. If one looks up the definition of terrorism, you would find Terrorism is "the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion." Whereas terror can be defined as - the use of extreme fear in order to coerce people. The definition of domestic violence can be defined as "It's a chronic abuse of power. The abuser tortures and controls the victim by calculated threats, intimidation, and physical violence. Actual physical violence is often the end result of months or years of intimidation and control." One definition of alienation is listed as: "estrange: arouse hostility or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness" . The common theme seems to be coercion, which can be defined as: the act of compelling by force of authority, using force to cause something to occur, and the practice of compelling a person or manipulating them to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats, intimidation or some other form of pressure or force" .

While the recent and past global terrorist attacks seem a far fetched analogy to my post, the tactics employed by abusers in domestic violence and parental alienation are one in the same as terrorists. A use of terror to coerce their subject or subjects into submission. If this does not define abuse, then what does?

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Resource for parental alienation

2009-01-18T09:10:00.003-06:00

I received a comment on January 17th for a post I made that deserves an entry today. It was from The Lee P.A.S. Foundation . The comment left was "Dr Lowenstein, who has Written Parental Alienation, will be on my talkshoe on Sunday Feb 8 2009 5pm EST www,talkshoe.com or call in at 724-444-7444 ID 26868 " If you go to the page for The Lee P.A.S. Foundation, you will read that "Our Foundation is dedicated to publishing and educating the General Public, as well as our Court Systems, Mediators, Evaluators, CPS workers about Parental Alienation Syndrome".

You should be able to find on the right hand sidebar of my blog a widget for the talkshoe calls as well.

If you are a parent that is experiencing parental alienation, know a parent who is or suspect parental alienation, then education is the key to stopping this. Please make use of the resources available.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Why everyone needs to care about parental alienation...Oh the gossip never ends!

2009-01-11T08:29:00.007-06:00

One may ask why I titled this post "Why everyone should care about parental alienation ...oh the gossip never ends". You may be happily married and both you and your spouse have a healthy and loving relationship with your children. Parental alienation does not affect you. It may not directly, but one day it will either directly or indirectly.

I do believe that everyone at one time or another has experienced alienation in one form or another. Some common words used to define alienation are; isolation, estrangement, separation and unfriendly. One area that alienation can happen quite a bit is in a work environment. Perhaps you have overheard gossip or rumors, or even participated as well in the conversations. The gossip and rumors can be started because one person does not like the other and their intentions is to persuade others to their side. Sometimes people gossip or tell rumors because they have nothing better to do or they like the attention they get. Other times they do this because their goal is to isolate the person they are talking about and they wish to discredit them for their own personal gain. It starts as a malicious attempt to slander someone and possibly to improve the social standing of the person who made up the story. Gossip gives one power over another. People who gossip believe lies, want to believe lies, and persuade others to believe lies. Gossip is censorship and a gross injustice. The one involved has no right to defend themselves. The subject of the gossip is the one who suffers alienation. Parental alienation is nothing more than gossip, rumors, lies and a gross injustice about a parent. The children are the ones that hear this gossip and believe it. The child ends up siding with the alienating parent and discredits the other parent with no basis of truth.

You may think there are no similarities between gossip at work or other situations where this happens and parental alienation. This is where you are wrong. You may think about the town gossip and know that you do not believe a word they say. You may even think about things you have heard and said "oh how preposterous". Alienating parents are preposterous but they are also very convincing. Unfortunately they convince the children, judges, attorneys and therapists about the rumors and gossip they tell about the other parent. Gossip has the uncanny ability of drawing more and more conclusions on less and less info.

You may be thinking that eventually the truth will come out. The truth is there, but often is not wanted to be heard. Many times, the alienating parents tells such lies that a target parent can not find the documentation to support the truth. If the target parent has documentation to support the truth against the lies told about them, it is not wanted to be heard. If a child seeks the truth, they do not want to know the bad things about the alienating parent. In my case, the alienating parent stated that I was guilty of some illegal behaviors. I did not have records of arrest, but I can only imagine that it was stated I either had connections or had not been caught yet. How does one "prove" they are not guilty of such indiscretions? The alienating parent, on the other hand, has records of arrest, not for what I was accused of, but for other violations.

Have you ever given any thought to what the destructive lies, gossip, rumors and allegations do to a child? Not only can they believe that the target parent does not care for them or love them, they can grow up to believe that this behavior is specific to the gender that the alienation is being maintained about. For instance a daughter can believe that all men are sexual predators, abusive to women, have extramarital affairs and fail to support their families. She may grow up with a resentment towards men and this will affect her relationships and interactions. A son can believe that all women are manipulators, they spend money that is not there and are not capable of making decisions. They may grow up to treat women abusively and this will also affect their relationships and interactions. Of course there are other scenarios as well. The one thing that alienated children are being taught is that they do not need to have respect for the target parent. This will unconsciously tell them that they do not have to have respect for the gender that they are being alienated against. This will affect future relationships and interactions.

Abuse follows a cycle and unless that cycle is broken it will continue. Think about that the next time you hear the latest "gossip". How much someone talks to you about others may be how much they talk to others about you!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

What is the world coming to?

2009-01-06T16:25:00.002-06:00

This entry today does not fall into the normal type of posting that I do. I am only addressing this because I am sick and tired of reading about juveniles in the news. Everyday, I either watch my local news and or check the Internet news sites and I am noticing a horrific trend in the news. Minors are committing crimes at an age they should be playing with barbie dolls and GI Joe's or wondering what to where to the prom! What is happening? Wake up parents!

Two news stories today: Boy, 6, misses bus so he tries driving to school and Boy, 4, shoots babysitter for stepping on foot. These were among the other stories of a 15 year old robbing a person. There are many other stories as well: 12-year-old Arizona boy guilty in mom's shooting , TEEN GAL CHARGED WITH TWO MURDERS . Oh I could go on and on, but quite frankly, I find this very disturbing.

I can ask where are the parents in these cases, but doesn't everyone? I wonder are the parents single parents who are working extra hours to cover expenses due to lost wages because of the economy or non payment of child support? Are these parents who are afraid that if they discipline their child they may face charges of abuse? Whatever the reason, this has to stop. Be parents and if you are divorced then the other parent must support the parenting role as well.

Mediation and parental alienation........"My way or the highway"

2009-01-04T09:35:00.007-06:00

Are you a target parent that has been ordered to attend mandatory mediation? Are you a target parent that has attended mandatory mediation? Are you an alienating parent that has attended mandatory mediation? If so I would like to hear your thoughts about it.

Mediation in theory is a great idea. It costs less and both parties get a say, they get to work through problems, compromise and for the most part both parties come away feeling satisfied that they could resolve their issues and found an acceptable agreement. Both parties can have the sense of empowerment over their decisions and many times the divorcing couples may find that they have a better relationship post divorce because of mediation. Oh what a wonderful world we live in. If this was the answer to all divorce cases.

Mediation can work and does work in many divorce/custody cases and I would advise anyone to seek this route, BUT, if there is moderate to severe parental alienation, I can not suggest this route. In cases where parental alienation is mild, mediation MAY work, but only if your mediator is versed in parental alienation. Neither party may be aware that parental alienation is happening and this is where a good mediator will come in. I believe that mild alienators can be helped and would be open to counseling. I think that mild alienators have the best interests of the child in mind. I do not think their intention is to ruin the relationship between the child and other parent. In moderate cases, the alienator knows they are saying negative things about the other parent, but cannot help themselves. Counseling may help in these cases, but I think the line between moderate and severe can be crossed very easy without some professional intervention.

In cases of severe alienation, mediation is a waste of time, energy and money. The severe alienator will refuse to budge on any issue you bring up for compromise. They will fabricate stories and the mediator may tell you that you are being unreasonable and to compromise. You will either have to hold your ground or have to make compromises that you are not comfortable with. Target parents have no say, no issues that are compromised and they end up accepting less than desirable terms. Holding your ground will not be futile either. You realize very quickly that again you are experiencing abuse, but this time, the alienator has others on their side. This is when you realize that "guilty until proven innocent" really is the motive in the "system". No, I did not type that phrase wrong either. Alienators present their case so well and fool everyone. You are guilty of many of the accusations because everyone believes them. Proving your innocence is a long and exhaustive road.

So, in closing I would like to state that I think mediation works in many cases of divorce and should be utilized, but in cases where there is a moderate to severe alienating parent, this option does not and will not work. Mediation in theory is an excellent choice and should be utilized where both parties are capable to compromise. The mediator needs to be versed in parental alienation as well. The other point I would like to make is that many states are now leaning towards mandatory mediation in divorce/custody cases and unless there are mediators who are very well versed in parental alienation, the cycle of abuse will continue by the so called system. As target parents, I think we should band together to change this.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Priceless!

2009-01-02T15:40:00.004-06:00

I am sure everyone has seen those priceless commercials by MasterCard. I was thinking about that today and came up with one for parental alienation.

Married: (insert number) years
Custody litigation: ( insert number) years
Attorney costs: ( insert number) dollars
Child has loving relationship with both parents: Priceless!

This is what it is about, that children have access to both parents. Parents need to remember that their children want to love both of them and do not want to be part of a revenge game plan.

My message to alienating parents: You controlled us during our marriage. You broke our spirit and you wore us down. We followed your ways for the wrong reasons. We supported you, but you only supported us when it fit into your plans or needs. We will no longer be silent. You no longer control us. We will not sit idly by and watch you ruin the life of the child we created. Our child cannot verbalize the pain they feel and you cannot see the damage that you are doing. I will be that voice for our child.

The laws must and will change and every target parent needs to find their voice! Stop this abuse!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T11:24:00.007-06:00

Today is the first day of the New Year. I hope that this year will be better than last year. Like many I have resolutions, so to speak, that I have made. I would rather refer to them as goals. I plan to make small steps to reach my goals. I think this approach is more practical.

Many bring in the New Year with parties, celebrations, fireworks, food, family and friends. I hope everyone had an enjoyable New Year's Eve. New Year's Day also has many traditions which I will participate in. I have noticed that these traditions involve the food that is eaten on New Year's Day. In Spain and Mexico, the New Year's tradition is to eat 12 grapes at the stroke of midnight as the new year dawns. In the Philippines, food stays on the table from the old year to the new to ensure a plentiful table all year. In Japan, soba noodles are eaten for a long life. In the Southern US states, black-eyed peas and greens are eaten for luck and money.

For my health and wealth, I will prepare a meal of black-eyed peas, cabbage, ham and cornbread. These are not my favorite things to eat, but I will stick to traditions.

I hope that 2009 will be a better year for everyone. I also hope that progress can be made in the area of custody issues. If you are a target parent, let your voice be heard. You can write your legislator and make them aware of parental alienation. This is one small step to start to have bills passed that will help preserve the rights of parents and to maybe end the emotional abuse of children.

God Bless and Happy New Year.

Last post of 2008

2008-12-31T14:53:00.004-06:00

2008 was not so great.
It was filled with hate.
I hope that 2009
will be a better time.

Well that was my lame attempt at my so called "poetry". As I reflect back over the past year, I have to say that 2008 was not so great. The major story seems to be the economic problems, which has affected everyone I know.

There have been other stories as well and for target parents everywhere, their story has not changed. I am sure there are some more positive stories where parental alienation is concerned. Perhaps you are a parent that has been able to have some contact and that is great. In fact, I know of a father that did not contact with his son for over 15 years and during Christmas, he was able to see him and talk with him for the first time. I cried for him when I heard this. To those that have no idea of the heartbreak and sense of loss, you can not imagine the emotional roller coaster that target parents ride. I hope for him that this relationship will continue to grow and that he feels a sense of relief.

For the target parents that still have no contact, please do not ever give up hope and keep trying. Keep sending your letters, e-mails, text messages and other means of contact. You may not get a reply or you may get a nasty and negative reply. Do not let that deter you. Realize that those nasty and negative replies may not be what your son or daughter wants to relay to you, but remember that they are still being guided by the alienating parent. The alienating parent may be sending these messages electronically posing as the child. If you stop your contact, the alienating parent is still controlling your child and you. Your son or daughter may even call you and demand that you stop, but that alienating parent may be standing over them commanding that they say this. All research indicates that target parents who successfully reunited with their children did so because they would not give up. Don't give up!

As this year ends and a new one begins, I hope that 2009 will see changes where family law is concerned. Let's make 2009 the year of the child. The year where no child will ever have to pick one parent over the other. The year where no child will have to suffer the loss of a parent who loves them. The year where no child will have to subjected to this type of abuse again.

God Bless and Happy New Year!

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Christmas without my son

2008-12-26T06:54:00.003-06:00

What was supposed to be a holly jolly time filled with lots of family, food, music and festivities was a very quiet time for me. I did celebrate with someone I love, but my son was missing.

It has been a difficult time for me since Thanksgiving, which seems to mark the start of the holiday season. I did not want to put up a Christmas tree nor decorate the home. I finally relented and did some basic decorating. I thought perhaps that would help me get into the spirit of Christmas. It really did not help. I now have a tree with some unwrapped gifts under it and a stocking hanging on the mantle that is filled. I still am holding out hope that maybe God will answer my prayer and my son will come home for Christmas. If not, I will place the gifts in his room and they will sit there until the day he decides to come home.

For many parents that are separated from their children because of parental alienation, their Christmas can also be a very difficult time. It is difficult being with other family members and watching their children. It brings back memories of the better times and it also reminds them of what they are missing. I know the solitude is difficult.

My wish for the New Year is that no other child will never be made to "hate" their parent, will never have to choose one parent over the other and will never feel sad because they cannot spend time with both parents. The laws can change and must change.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the ABUSE!

No Child should have to experience this

2008-12-24T11:13:00.011-06:00

WARNING: This video should tear at your heartstrings. It is rather long, but it tells a story, one that is not heard in the courts nor one that is not punished via the courts. Can we allow this continue? I urge you to watch this.

Children are in the crossfire in custody cases. Both parents should want to be part of their children's lives, but when one parent wants to punish the other parent, they use their children as pawns. Children get sick and both were able to care for the child before, but now only one parent is the so called "capable" parent. Children get grounded, but that should not mean they are grounded from parenting time with the other parent. Children should not be told that they will have a new and better daddy or mommy, they have them already. Children should not be told that they don't need the other parent anymore. Children should not be told they have to remember what they ate while at the other parent's home for fear that allegations will be made that were not fed. Alienating parents should not call their children several times a day while the other parent has parenting time, "just to check in". These tactics are used by alienating parents to coerce, brainwash and push their children into submission. These are cult like techniques. Alienating parent's hatred knows no bounds. The most severe will reuslt in allegations of domestic abuse, physical and sexual abuse of a child.

Although this video was made by a father, realize this video could have been made by a mother as well. Parental alienation knows no boundaries, it does not discriminate based on gender, race, or socioeconomic class.

Thank you to the father that made this video. My heart goes out to you, whomever you are. Let this video be a testament that no other child should ever have to experience this abuse by the hands of the alienating parent.

Alienated children need a voice, one that is not heard in the courts. Please, I beg of you, if you know of a child being alienated from their parent, BE THAT VOICE!

Stop this abuse of children! Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!

Let them be Little

2008-12-20T09:54:00.007-06:00

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand.
You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.
How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.

So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give 'em hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

I never felt so much in one little tender touch.
I live for those kisses, your prayers an' your wishes.
An' now you're teachin' me how only a child can see.
Tonight, while we're on our knees, all I ask is:

Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

The so innocent, precious soul:
You turn around, an' it's time to let them go.

So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give 'em praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let them sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

Let them be little.

Oh alienating parents why can't you let them be little? They grow up so fast. Let this child decide on their own if they want contact with the other parent without your interferences. Let them have their innocence!

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the Abuse!

Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?

2008-12-20T06:53:00.009-06:00

My post today may likely ruffle some feathers. Since I have experienced both, I thought I would write my thoughts about it.

Domestic violence is about control. Parental alienation is about control. I do not think you will find a parent accused of parental alienation that does not have some control issues. I am not talking about the normal issues that come about in a marriage and a compromise is reached, but the attitude of "my way or the highway" attitude.

A spouse who uses domestic violence as a way to control, uses the "my way or the highway attitude." A parent who alienates a child against the other parent utilizes the same tactics. Although that parent may not tell the child "my way or the highway", their actions speak volumes.

In my case, my ex was a charming, loving and giving man....at times. At other times, I thought I knew what I had to do and usually that was wrong. If I was not punished by words which included verbal berating and jokes at my expense, I was punished by what I called the "silent treatment". The silent treatment was the worse, because I could ask what was wrong and would get a glaring blank stare in return. This made me think about the past week or day. It was mind control. If these actions did not make me "act" the way he wished, I was physically punished. I constantly walked on eggshells, never knowing when, where or how I "caused" myself to be subject to his tirades. I lived in a world of trying to do right and attempting to learn from my so called past mistakes. What was right yesterday was not right today.

The thing about domestic violence is that one person controls the other through ways of mind control and physical control. They wear you down physically and emotionally. Domestic violence can also be more sinister in that lives are lost as well. I think one common theme is that the abuser in domestic violence is manipulative, cunning, and deceitful. They shift blame and twist facts, many times rather convincingly. This brings me back to my previous posts about a narcissist and a psychopath.

One may ask how I stayed or even married such a person. What one must realize about these narcissists is that they are masters at their game. If every person bolted from a relationship based on any small infraction, you may not find the person that you are very happily married to today. That is called compromise. Those relationships are based on give and take. I was lead to believe that I had the problem and I needed to change. If I can make one statement today I would like to say that you should never ridicule a person that was in this type of relationship. Men and women, both, can be victims of domestic violence.

So how does parental alienation fit into this? PA is an extension of the control by the abuser. You divorced me and I cannot control you anymore in our home, extends to I still can control you through our children.

There is nothing that can hurt a parent more than not being able to be part of our children's lives. Abusers know this and use this to their advantage. They will either twist parental alienation as an "excuse" for them not being able to see their children and have you accused of parental alienation, or they will employ the same tactics on the child as they used on you so you are not part of that child's life.

So are domestic violence and parental alienation related? I say they are as they are tactics used to control and hurt a person.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Does New Jersey understand Parental Alienation?

2008-12-18T07:13:00.006-06:00

Finally! Finally it seems that at least one State recognizes a problem that has been occurring for decades and finally it seems that there could be some remedy through the judicial system.

Let me state this, there is no monetary award that could be given to target parents that will ever make up for the lost parenting time and destroyed relationship with their children.!

In cases of parental alienation the alienating parent uses the court to legally harass and abuse the target parent. They know the courts will do nothing. Every false claim made by the alienating parent results in cost to the target parent; financially, emotionally and physically. Target parents cannot seek relief for these actions. The alienating parent does not care and seems to have a bottomless wallet or purse. The alienating parent knows that custody will not be taken from them as well.

Parental Alienation is a major problem in child custody cases. One parent must not be allowed to purposely destroy the relationship of their child with the other parent. Parental alienation must be recognized and a tort must be allowed to provide relief.

In this article A NJ COURT DETERMINES THAT A CAUSE OF ACTION FOR PARENTAL ALIENATION EXISTS a Judge in Hudson County "recognized that parents in NJ may have a right to collect damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress when their relationships with their children are poisoned by former spouses or even grandparents who partake in alienating behaviors. "

Kudos to this Judge! I would like to see this adopted worldwide!

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

My Christmas Wish List

2008-12-11T16:54:00.014-06:00

Dear Santa,

I know this letter will get to you a bit later than you you wish, but quite frankly I have not been in the Christmas spirit. I am not sure if you can bring me everything I would like, but I appreciate you trying.

I have not seen my son for some time and would really love to be able to see him during the Christmas holiday. Perhaps, you could pick him up when you deliver gifts there and bring him along in your sleigh. That sure would be nice and if you can accomplish this, you do not have to bring me anything else.

I would like some thick thermal or soft fleece shirts because I wear them to work. Other than that I don't need anything else. Well, I could use some money but I don't think the elves do that.

If you are able to pick up my son, would you drop off some books about parental alienation for his dad. I don't know if it would help, but maybe he does not realize what he is doing to our child. You can even order them on this site!

I hope all is well in the North Pole and that you have a safe trip.

Love,

Alienated Mom

Attempting to get into the Christmas Spirit!

2008-12-09T16:51:00.006-06:00

As I attempt to get into the Christmas Spirit, enjoy this video.

It is difficult when the holidays come around for target parents. For me, the holidays were a big time at my home, decorations, a tree, special holiday baking and treats. I loved the look, the madness of trying to make it special, but most of all I loved and cherished the look on my son's face. I loved the magic that Christmas meant to him and it was more than gifts, it was giving.

So don't feel sorry for me or other target parents, feel sorry for the children that are missing that special touch that was done for them by the parent that they cannot see this Christmas.

The lyrics to the song

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

A play about Parental Alienation

2008-12-09T16:19:00.000-06:00

If you live in the New York City area then you should see this rock opera about a story all to familiar in many custody cases. It is a emotional tale about parental alienation. If you are a target parent or you know a target parent then you should see this. The sad fact is that another parent and child will become victims of parental alienation today. It will show on Fridays, starting December 12th 2008 at 10:30pm at 45 Bleecker St. New York City.

Here is the story line about this play from the website: http://www.madmen-and-dreamers.com/CofCStory.html

To see a performance, please check here

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

48 hrs mystery story

2008-12-08T17:14:00.004-06:00

Here is a story posted on the CBS 48 hours mystery series called "Secrets From The Grave" and was posted Aug. 19, 2006. Although I do not recall seeing the words parental alienation used in this story, it does not take long to hear those ringing bells and see the red flags suggesting so. A manipulative woman got a divorce from her husband without his knowledge and then accused him of abuse against their child. Sound familiar? Again a parent used the system and destroyed a family and the child is the one who suffers.

It is a story about a man named Bill Flint who met his wife Cassandra in 1988 and they married a few months later. They had one child, referred to as "Jane" in the story and she was the light of his life. Shortly after "Jane" was born, their marriage started to have problems and they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In 1993, Bill Flint learned that he was divorced. He found out when the sheriff showed up at his door to escort him off the property. It seems that his wife pursued a divorce without anyone knowing it and was able to obtain it as well. Since he was not present at his own divorce hearing, the one that he had no knowledge of, he ended up paying dearly. He would find that he was accused by his ex wife of molesting his daughter and the judge believed her, which lead to supervised visits with his daughter. When he was found not guilty of the abuse charges he decided he would fight for custody of his daughter. This would eventually cost him his life.

What causes a parent to hate and despise their spouse so much that they would deprive their own child a parent that helped bring the child into the world? This is not normal behavior and sadly these stories play over and over again.

When a parent denies their child access to the other parent and tells their child that the other parent is bad and they hate the other parent, they are sending the message to the child that they hate half of their child.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Hope...something to believe in

2008-12-06T13:13:00.016-06:00

I have been asked if I have "hope" that my child will eventually return to me and my answer is always yes. I have to believe that. In this quest to post this, I came across this video by the band Poison titled "Something to Believe In" The lyrics are somewhat controversial, but what I heard was "give me something to believe in."

Hope is connected to staying inspired and that is what target parents have to do. We have to stay inspired to continue contact even though it is not returned. We have to send letters and gifts, make phone calls and send the emails even though they may be intercepted, destroyed or given to our child without the child knowing they came from us.

From what I have read approximately 95 percent of alienated children do reconcile. When, I can not answer, but this also happened because the target parent refused to go away. Keep the hope, faith and inspiration that there could be a reconciliation. Until then find something to believe in. ...HOPE

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

The Anna Mae He Custody Case....Was there Parental Alienation?

2008-12-06T10:43:00.005-06:00

The custody case of AMH made national headlines and if you have not heard about it, all I can suggest is to go ahead and google it. You will find several articles written about it. Some support the He's, Anna Mae's natural or birth parents and others support the Baker's, the foster parents. Whatever your opinion is about this case, it was a case fraught with accusations, tensions and a very lengthy legal battle over who should be allowed to care for Anna Mae.

I do not know either family and have no personal experience with either of them. All I "know" is what was written in the media, which I think slants articles and persuades the public right or wrong when needed. The case was presented as the He's, a Chinese family attempting to make their way in America, had a baby girl who was premature. Jack He, the father, was fighting his own legal battles and they needed help. According to written articles they placed Anna in foster care until they could get on their feet financially. This was to be temporary and later I read until Anna reached the age of 18. This sounded odd to me, but I also had to remember that there is a language barrier as well. I wish not to argue whether the He's could speak and write in English or understand, but what concerns me is the legalese that is used. I speak English and was brought up in the US and for the life of me, I can not always understand the legal wording of documents.

As I would read the stories presented in the media, I did not feel inclined either way towards which family would be best for Anna. The media painted a picture though. The Bakers were wealthier than the He's and could provide more for Anna. That does not make them better parents. From one news media article they print: "The Bakers live in a five-bedroom, 4,800-square-foot home in the Davies Plantation area east of town. Their $414,000 house sits on more than an acre of rolling Tennessee hills. There are colorful play sets in the well-groomed backyard. Inside there is a media room with surround sound and a 53-inch TV, a Jacuzzi and a central vacuum system." I think, "who cares?" Obviously the media and the courts care. In the same article this is printed: "The Bakers began caring for Anna Mae on Feb. 23, 1999, and the Hes say they visited their daughter at least once a week. When the three months ended, they still were not able to care for Anna Mae. Mid-South Christian Services could no longer handle their case because the agency's supervision is limited to 90 days in temporary custody cases. So the two couples negotiated the next step on their own." And this: "Over the next year, the Hes say they continued to visit Anna Mae and told the Bakers they wanted her back. They say Jerry Baker asked that the arrangements stay in place until his then-pregnant wife gave birth to her own child." and this: "But the Bakers say in court documents that the Hes abandoned Anna Mae by not visiting enough and failing to pay child support. For the past year, the Bakers have refused the Hes' official requests to give Anna Mae back. Last month, the Bakers insisted, through Parrish, that Mister He take a DNA test to prove that he was Anna Mae's father. The test proved that he is."

In another news media article this was written: "But things only got worse for the struggling couple. In April 1999, a month before their custody was to end, He was arrested in the sexual assault case. The Bakers agreed to continue caring for Anna Mae—but only if they were named the child's guardians, which would give them full parental rights. The Hes agreed, they say, but without realizing the agreement could only be reversed by court order. "If we had known that by signing custody to the Bakers we would end up in court, facing termination of parental rights, we never would have signed it," says Jack, who now works at a Chinese restaurant. The Hes visited Anna Mae some 80 times before tensions flared. "The more Jack and Casey wanted to visit their daughter," says one of their pro bono attorneys, David Siegel, "the greater resistance they received from the Bakers." (As evidence, Siegel points to a journal that Louise kept.) In April 2000 and April 2001 the Hes petitioned to regain custody of Anna Mae but were turned down because of their unresolved legal problems. Then, on Jan.28, 2001, Anna Mae's second birthday, the Bakers denied the Hes' request to take their daughter for a family portrait, saying she was ill. The Hes refused to leave without her, prompting the Bakers to call the police. Intimidated, the Hes, who say they feared they would be arrested, didn't try to visit for a period of four months—which may constitute legal abandonment in Tennessee—and the Bakers went to court seeking to terminate the Hes' parental rights and formally adopt Anna Mae. Once, while shopping last December, the Hes happened to spot Anna Mae, who was with two of the Bakers' daughters, Hope and Aimee. According to Hope, 18, Casey put her hands on Anna Mae and screamed, "That's my baby!" Such incidents fuel the Bakers' contention that the Hes are emotionally unstable."

As I stated before, I do not know either family, have never met them and know nothing about the case, except for what was written in the media and from reading some court documents. I do have some concerns though. At first I was slanted towards the Baker's as they obviously could provide a better home and environment for Anna Mae. By all media accounts she seemed to be doing well with the Baker's as well. The He's were painted very poorly as well, as Jack He had some accusations against him and seemed to have some financial difficulties and the perception that the Chinese only want male children. I believe this was carefully depicted by the media slant on the story.

A few things I found from reading court documents was that Louise Baker was born in 1961. This should make her 47 years old. In 1989 she underwent a tubal ligation after the birth of their third child. If my math is correct, this should make this child 19 years old. In 1998, (this would make Mrs. Baker 37 yrs old) the Baker's decided they wanted another child and Mrs. Baker underwent a reversal of her tubal ligation. The Bakers considered adopting a child, but they wanted to try to have a child of their own first. The Bakers previously submitted a “Foster Home Application” to Mid-South in 1997. In response to the question “Why are you interested in providing a foster home?” on the application, the Bakers responded by stating, in relevant part, that they “were first interested in adoption of a newborn, but thought we would try foster care of newborns for a couple of years.”According to Mrs. Baker, they were considering adoption, and serving as foster parents allowed them to decide if adoption was something they wanted to pursue. After submitting their application, the Bakers began serving as foster parents for Mid-South. I also believe that the Baker's did have another child as well, because news reports state that they had a daughter born the year after they took in Anna Mae.

What concerns me and bothers me about this case is that from media reports this case did not present like a foster family wanting to adopt a child, but a custody case when the issue of custody was not a point. Mrs. Baker kept a notebook detailing visits, dates, time, length of stay and gifts brought for Anna Mae. In one article this was stated: "The Hes continued to visit Anna Mae regularly for about an hour a week. Louise Baker began to keep a diary in which she documented the Hes' visits to Anna Mae, writing down when the visits were, how long they lasted, how the Hes interacted with Anna Mae, and what gifts they gave her. In October 1999, friction began when the Hes wanted to take Anna Mae out of the Bakers' home and the Bakers refused. Louise Baker wrote "We would like to get visits to every other week. We feel like they would wean away, but the last 2 visits we could see Casey is wanting to come more." In November 1999, Jack He told Jerry Baker they wanted to regain custody of Anna Mae. Jerry replied that they did not want to give up Anna Mae and that Louise was pregnant and he didn't want her to miscarry. The Hes contacted the juvenile court officer several times during these months complaining about problems with visitation and talking about wanting to get custody back." My questions are do the agencies that you are are foster parent with require or suggest that you keep a notebook of visits with such detail? Was there an underlying motive in the keeping of the notebook? If there is no requirement or suggestion, then I must presume that there was an underlying motive.

From all accounts that I have read, the Baker's were foster parents without the promise or hope that they could adopt Anna Mae. I believe they used the legal system and the He's inability to completely understand the English and legal language and their fear that they would be arrested if they sought to visit Anna Mae as a way to legally terminate the He's parental rights. These manipulative actions are the same actions that alienating parents use against target parents.

Other news reports stated that Anna Mae did not want to learn the Chinese language and that she thought she was Mexican. I immediately thought that the Baker's were denying Anna Mae her heritage. This immediately sent up a red flag for me. Had the Baker's adopted a child internationally that was not of their race, what would they have told this child? A white American couple adopting a child that is not of their white race they can not easily deny or lie to a child that they were not adopted. How were they going to explain to her when she got older? Unless the truth was told, the lie would eventually come out. I think children that are adopted will eventually seek their heritage, sometimes just for answers or who they look like. This provides closure.

I think the Baker's were a family that wanted another child and they went though several avenues to achieve this. A tubal ligation was reversed, adoption was an option and they fostered children. I applaud them for wanting to provide a home for a child. The He's were disadvantaged financially and more. Casey He wanted her daughter and I do not think she intended for Anna Mae to be adopted or if she did to lose contact with Anna Mae. She may have wanted more than she could provide and I think every parent wants that. There is a line that was crossed in this agreement and I think the Baker's exploited this line. I believe they used everything possible to gain custody of a child, that was not theirs to begin with. They used the best interest of the child against the He's, they did everything possible to forbid visitation and to encourage the He's to back off. They denied Anna Mae her heritage. Somehow this was to be better for Anna Mae.

In closing I would like to point out a few things. A larger home with all the current technologies and toys does not make a better home for a child. A better income to provide the best schools, and other material possessions does not make a better home for a child. Money does not buy love, but there are many that think they can. A family that relies on the help of others in the raising of their children, relies on the generosity of others and sacrifices to provide, does not make them bad parents.

I would like to know your views.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Wonderful Poem

2008-12-04T16:21:00.002-06:00

Today like every other day, I was checking my stats to see how and why people land to my blog. Some days I find interesting keywords or I notice a trend of keywords and then that gives me ideas about a new subject. I also check to see what other external links that are clicked that I have posted on my blog. I put those there because I feel they can have some helpful information. Well today I saw an exit link that I did not recognize, so I clicked it and took a look around and found this wonderful poem written by another mother. She had a "pass this to all your friends" link, so I sure hope that she does not mind that I used her poem as an entry today. I had written a poem for my son, but it fails in comparison to what she wrote. As a target parent, I understand the pain of not being able to see my son. I get frustrated that the system fails and does not protect the bonds between parents and their children. I get angry that everything I do for my son is criticized by his father and used to further alienate my son.

So please check out this poem and take a look around her page. She has some great poetry and her son has the cutest smile.

The poem: http://caring4you.net/james/custody.html

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Just another day

2008-12-03T17:25:00.004-06:00

Hello to all that read my blog. I just wanted to say thank you for following and for you comments and emails.

Today I am having a self pity party. I miss being able to talk to my son, I miss hearing his voice, I miss seeing his face. I wonder what he is doing and how he is doing. I am also angry because I cannot have answers to what I assume should be easy answers. How is school going? What has been going on? How is your girlfriend? Can I get a copy of your school picture? What do you want for Christmas? As I stepped outside a while ago, the wind was blowing and the air feels as we will have a storm coming in. It is warm and there is a cool breeze...OK not actually real warm, but warmer than it has been lately. I could hear leaves rustling in the wind and heard the ringing from the wind chimes. It was rather peaceful. Then I noticed my neighbor's house across the street as they were putting up Christmas lights outside. It looked so pretty and festive. Then I thought to myself, why bother, my son will not be here to enjoy it.

I started this blog because I wanted to tell my story about parental alienation, I wanted to state to the world all the dirty details of my case. Of course, that will not change anything and if you are a target parent, my story most likely sounds like yours or vice-versa as well as any other detailed story about parental alienation. I also wanted to write so I would not reveal anything that would identify myself, my son or my ex until a later date. This simple aspect made my writings a challenge and somewhat creative as I attempted to protect the identities. As time went on, I realized that it was cathartic for me to write.

I always had one goal in mind and that is to be a voice for those that cannot speak or will not speak out against parental alienation. I know that my story is one voice among the thousands of other parents that experience parental alienation. I never want another parent to have to experience parental alienation, nor do I want a child to be deprived of the love by both parents. Someday parental alienation will be recognized for what it is and that is abuse. Those that knowingly make false accusations of abuse will be prosecuted by tougher laws and will not be able to be shielded from prosecution based on the good faith aspect. Someday this cycle of abuse will stop.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Personality disorders in young Americans

2008-12-02T17:33:00.002-06:00

I came across this story today on http://www.livescience.com/health/081202-ap-personality-disorders.html posted by Lindsey Tanner, Associated Press 02 December 2008 08:28 am ET that "Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.
The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment."

I read this and thought OMG...FINALLY someone has presented some form of documentation that young adults are affected by something perhaps in their childhood that triggers problems that will show in their adult life. I looked for the word "parental alienation" and did not find it, but it does not take some scientist, psychologist or researcher to tell a target parent that their child will most likely face some problems in their adult life due to the actions by the alienating parent. I read this: "For many, young adulthood is characterized by the pursuit of greater educational opportunities and employment prospects, development of personal relationships, and for some, parenthood," the authors said. These circumstances, they said, can result in stress that triggers the start or recurrence of psychiatric problems. "

Perhaps I missed something in this article that suggested experiences in their childhood could bring this on. So I will surmise that these disorders could be triggered from their expediences in childhood.

I think for most parents that have a child the scenario goes likes this; you enter the hospital to deliver your child and go home 1-3 days later depending upon the delivery method. You are given some information on how to care for a newborn, but most of your "knowledge and or experience" comes from personal experience and instinct. I think many draw upon their own childhood on how to raise a child. If you were brought up by the help of siblings because your parents both worked, this may be they way they were brought up. If other family members were a major influence on the upbringing, than this again may be from experience. If discipline that could border on abuse was an influence then this may be a way the parents raise their child. I think that we do as we know and that is how the cycle of abuse and or disorders keep repeating. I do believe that the cycle of abuse can be broken.

As I attempt to understand my own personal situation, I can now realize there were several red flags that I ignored. I did not understand when I was younger that the way a child treats a parent means something significant. My ex's father was very demeaning to his wife and his children disrespected her as well. It was put in such a way that it was done jokingly at her expense and she also laughed at these so called jokes. I would also find her at times crying in the basement. She would always apologize for being " so sensitive". I was not mature enough to realize that this was emotional abuse. I would become angry for her, but then his father would be very loving and all seemed well. Again, I would not realize that this a cycle of abuse by a domestic abuser. I never saw physical abuse, so therefore, I did not realize that the controlling behaviors and emotional distress was abuse. Later, I would realize that this behavior repeated itself and I was the one who was the brunt of jokes and I would be demeaned. I also learned to accept that I as being "too sensitive".

Children or young teens that see this behavior learn to accept this as normal and can repeat it because they learn through actions that this is normal. It is not normal. So yes, parenthood can trigger the stresses that are indicative of a personality disorder. They go home with the "knowledge and experience" from their own childhood and repeat the cycle of abuse.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Actions speak louder than words

2008-11-28T07:09:00.006-06:00

I attempt to post entries that are relevant to parental alienation, based on my own experiences and from the stories I hear from other parents. Many times I will come up with a new post based on what my recent keyword analysis has been that has lead one to my blog. I then attempt to gather my thoughts and write. I have had several keywords show up concerning personality disorders and how they ruin holidays, emotional abuse and false allegations of abuse.

I strongly believe that the alienating parent does suffer from a personality disorder, which I have written about in previous posts. I also believe that other target parents believe this as well. Proving this theory may be next to impossible though. I believe that people with the personality disorders, such as narcissism, are intelligent enough to take these mental exams and answer according to the normal society standards. I remember that both my ex spouse and I had to take this exam and he later told me what he wanted to answer for some of the questions but he didn't. Then he laughed in my face.

Some of the actions by the alienating parent are conscious and spoken to the child in their campaign to degrade the target parent. Other actions are subconscious and these unspoken actions have lasting effects. Actions speak louder than words.

Some things that come to mind that perhaps a reader could relate to are: you work with a team member that says they are for teamwork, but takes the credit for your work; a friend that says they will be there for you when needed but when you call they are busy and 'forget" to call you back; a sales person tells you what you need to hear to get the sale, but when you need customer service they claim they never said those things.

Alienating parents not only use degrading words to discredit the target parent, but they also use actions and those actions do speak louder than words. The alienating parent then also has an excuse to say they never said anything, which they didn't, but their actions spoke volumes.

The alienating parent may tell the child that their other parent does not care for them like they do. Repeating those words will not have the effect that the actions will have. The alienating parent will call the child to check up on them, not once, but several times a day. If the child is having fun with the target parent and does not answer their call, the alienating parent becomes frantic and will let the child know that they were so worried about them and not to let them worry like that again. The alienating parent may leave messages as well during the day and night to the child letting them know that they are thinking of them, they miss them and to contact them with any needs or concerns. The alienating parent will also tell them that the child can call them at any time and they will come and get them if needed. This constant phone contact keeps the child on edge and can even work in favor of the alienating parent. The child may want to call the alienating parent to tell them some great news and when the alienating parent does not answer, the child can become frantic that something terrible has happened. This is an example from my own personal experience. My son wanted to call his dad about something he did and his father did not answer the phone. Repeated calls went unanswered and my son freaked out. He started calling others that have contact with his dad asking where he was. When his dad finally answered he told him he left his cellphone in the car when he got out and was only gone a few minutes and he was sorry he missed his call. This action cemented into my son's mind that he needed to also protect his dad.

The alienating parent may verbally claim that the other parent does not feed the child. These claims can be made to child protective services as well. CPS can come and make their investigation and find that this allegation is false. The alienating parent will tell the child that the agency did not properly do their job. Their next move may be that when the child visits they bring groceries to the target parents home so the child has food to eat. There is no need for the extra food, but this is done by the alienating parent to cement the need by the child for the alienating parent. Again, these actions speak louder than words.

The alienating parent may make allegations that the target parent does not care for the child medically. They may take the child to medical professionals seeking assistance for a feigned problem that the accusation was the direct cause from the lack of care by the target parent. Of course there is no medical problem for the child, but the alienating parent is looking for a person that has the legal responsibility to make allegations of abuse against the target parent. When these actions do not result in the desired outcome, the alienating parent will tell others that these medical professionals were not doing their job.

When the target parent protests these invasions they are often told they are over reacting. Phone contact should be allowed and why are you trying to deny it? You are being ungrateful for the food brought to your home and this was done for you child. Are you denying the extra food for your child? You should be thankful that a medical problem was being addressed, are you denying medical care? This is how the alienating parents operates. The attorneys and judges look at the objections by the target parent to these intrusions and explanations that are part of the campaign of parental alienation and tell the target parent to lighten up.

Those in authority,that can put a stop to parental alienation, must realize that it is a collection of words and behaviors, conscious and subconscious, by the alienating parent and that the target parent is only trying to maintain a relationship with their children. Until then nothing will change.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Happy Thanksgiving, why?

2008-11-27T08:13:00.007-06:00

http://www.patswebgraphics.com/

As we enter the holiday season of Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year, this can be a very difficult time for parents who are separated from their children because of parental alienation. They may have a court order that states they have holiday visitation, but they may not get to spend time with their children because the alienating parent interferes once again. It is difficult enough that target parents have weekend visitations taken away or interfered with, but the holiday interference really puts the icing on the cake so to speak. Holidays are stressful enough without the added aggravation. Perhaps it is the notion that we spend hours making the perfect dinner and everyone gathers around a table to eat and we share special moments isn't all that it is cracked up to be.

The three main triggers for depression and stress during the holidays are finances, physical demands and relationships. As a mother, I want to have the so called perfect holidays be it with the meal, decorations or the gift giving. With the state of the economy right now, this places demands and stresses to do what I can with less. These demands, although stressful, I can handle. I get excited being to save and being creative. Some of the demands are self induced be it doing more than one can afford, not knowing when to say no or trying to buy expensive needless gifts. I have always thought that the holidays are about family and about gifts from the heart. So this brings me to relationships.

The holidays can be a painful reminder of the death of a loved one who has passed during the holiday season. They can also be painful that you may be alone or if a target parent, that you are unable to spend the holiday time with your children. If a loved one has recently died or you aren't able to be with your loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness or grief. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

So as we enter the holiday season, I ask Happy Thanksgiving, why? I do not get to spend time with my son. I cannot even hear his voice. As usual, my phone calls go answered, messages that are left are ignored. In this age of technology, the emails and text messages left are also ignored. So I can be depressed or I can think of what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I have a job. I am thankful that I am not homeless and that I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in and clean clothes to wear. I am thankful that I can prepare a meal today and have the ability to share. I am thankful that I do not have to worry when my next meal will be. I am thankful to have friends that are supportive, even when I have been very difficult. I am thankful that I am not in a hospital right now because of some illness. I am thankful that my son is healthy and alive. I am thankful that I have the freedom to express my feelings and thoughts and the capacity to do so.

So in closing for today, realize that target parents may very well be somewhat down today and for the next several weeks. It is a difficult time for them.

I pray that one day not another parent will ever have to experience the pain and heartbreak of parental alienation.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Could there be a correlation?

2008-11-25T16:14:00.004-06:00

I strongly believe that allowing a child to continue to grow up in an environment that encourages parental alienation, that there has to be side effects that affect the child's emotional development. They are most likely going to believe that this behavior is acceptable and will continue these behaviors in their own relationships, thus becoming the alienator themselves. They are likely to become ridden with guilt, once they gain some maturity. I do not believe these children will have the capability to ever have a "normal" relationship with others. They may believe that one can lie and be deceitful to gain what they want. They are also likely to reject authoritative figures and have the attitude that they are "above the law" and do not have to follow rules or laws. I pretty much believe that these behaviors are a given considering the behaviors that they have experienced while growing up and developing emotionally.

A child's behavior is influenced not only by what goes on in the environment in which they live, but also by what they observe in adults. Their behaviors are learned through association, imitation, observation, pressure, needs, wants, influence and desires.

This brings me to what I want to talk about today. Could there be a correlation between crime committed by minors under the age of 18 and parental alienation? There are documented research cases that indicate that children from single parent homes are more likely to be involved in criminal activity. I found this quote, "According to one study, children raised in single-parent families are one-third more likely to exhibit anti-social behavior". I can find documentation that children raised without fathers also have a higher criminal activity as well. I found these quotes; "Nearly 70 percent of juveniles in state reform institutions come from fatherless homes, as do 43 percent of prison inmates". " Research indicates a direct correlation between crime rates and the number of single-parent families in a neighborhood".

It does not matter if these children were raised without a father or a mother, these children did not obviously have the interaction of the other parent. I have to wonder why. Parents walk away from their children and we tend to hear that it is the father that does this. So is he the dead beat dad? Why? What circumstances lead up to his leaving? I do believe that some parents, both mothers and fathers, fit the typical media description of a dead beat parent, but I think many parents want the involvement and can not possibly jump through the hoops that the custodial parent and the courts demand. For example, I know of one father that worked the night shift. He was only allowed to see his child during the week and during specific daylight hours. His job had mandatory overtime and he worked a Monday through Friday shift. He was not allowed to see his child during the weekend. So he was to work, sleep, and see his child when the courts said so and if overtime, which was mandatory, interfered with his visitation, he could not see his child on a weekend when he did not work. I know of a mother who worked a night shift as well, but was told by the courts that she could not work this shift more than two nights per week or she could not have access to her children. So are they deadbeat parents or parents that cannot possibly conform to the ridiculous rules set upon them? Let me also state that before someone wants to state that the parent should have adjusted their work schedule or found a new job. Child support is based upon the income that this parent was making. Your spouse worked this job and you enjoyed this income prior to the divorce and expect the same level of lifestyle. You made arrangements, when married, based on your spouses work schedule for child care, so you could have this level of lifestyle, but now that you are divorced, you expect your spouse to continue this income without any compromises. This could be one major reason that a parent so called walks away. They don't want to, but they cannot do what is demanded.

So how does parental alienation fit into this scenario? The constraints set forth by a vindictive spouse allows them to make statements such as " we do not have the money because your dad or mom......" "Your father or mother changed jobs and makes less now, but we don't have the money for....." " I am sorry you did not get to spend time with your dad or mom this time, their works means more to them than you"

In parental alienation cases, there is a pattern of abuse; false allegations, refusal of parenting time, lies and deceit. The child learns that deceit gains the parent something, even if for a short period of time. They also learn that this misrepresentation goes unpunished. False allegations of abuse in divorce is an epidemic. Children are becoming the heirs to hatred passed down to them from their parents. This is all that they know, and they in turn foster this pain, hatred and deceptiveness in their own adult relationships.

Have you listened to the news? Have you listened to the description of the crimes committed? Have you listened to the ages of the suspects? Where do these children get these ideas to commit these crimes? Could it be that they see a parent, that does not set an example, that if you do not follow the rules and laws that the punishment is nothing more than a slap on the wrist?

If anyone thinks that parental alienation is nothing more than hogwash and that these children will not suffer some consequences, then all I have to say is to take off your blindfolds and open your ears.

This presidential election campaign was about change. We can either change the laws regarding custody issues or we can see a change in the amount of dysfunctional families, which will increase the crime. Now it is up to you, to help change the laws about custody. Do not empower a child, that has no idea of what they are doing and punish these parents that make these false allegations of abuse and damage their children by their alienating behaviors.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!

Understanding the Obsessive Alienator part 1

2008-11-22T08:24:00.003-06:00

As a target parent myself, I am constantly trying to understand the dynamics of what makes the obsessed alienator tick. My simple answer is that my ex is a jerk who wants revenge for some perceived wrong that I did to him. That really does not explain why either. As for other parents who read this blog, they want to know why their alienating spouse or ex spouse is participating in these behaviors as well. For those that read this blog who have never experienced parental alienation, they may be wanting to understand as well. To preface this, I must say that I do not think that most can comprehend why the obsessed alienator behaves the way they do and that the obsessed alienator cannot give definitive reasoning with solid and undisputed facts to support their actions.

I believe that the obsessed alienator has characteristics of either a personality disorder or some emotional disorder. I believe that the obsessed alienator tends to either fall within the clinical descriptions for narcissism, sociopath or psychopath or may even possess characteristics of each of these disorders.

Obsessed alienators will use an array of tactics to "win". These tactics could be, but are not limited to; excessive litigation, alienating the child against the target parent, employing others in malicious actions against their ex spouse, lying, deception, false allegations of abuse and interference with visitation with the target parent. Theses actions could be repeated reports to child services for abuse. They will enlist the help of others to make these reports as well. They may go as far as taking the child to medical professionals, that have never had seen the child, and make accusations of abuse. They may contact teachers and remind them that they have a duty to report abuse and may even appear aggressive in their suggestions. Seeking the aid of other medical professionals and teachers can be done in the process of the initial alienation or after the alienating parent has exhausted their means through their own reports and reports made by the concerned friends and family that support the alienating parent. Lies could include allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, allegations of abuse against the child and mental instability alleged against the target parent to authorities. These allegations could also be made against a supportive partner of the target parent. With each allegation, there is some form of expense involved for the target parent. These can include court appearances and attorney fees. The obsessed alienator will impede visitation and use a number of tactics to prevent contact and will be persistent in their efforts. These can include phone calls not being answered or messages returned, disconnected phone numbers, email interference, postal mail not being delivered, refusal to cooperate in letting the other parent know about school functions, refusal to allow the other parent to have copies of school pictures and much more.

I believe that these tactics are used in a quest by the alienating parent to strip the target parent of their parental rights. They are not content with just winning custody, but want the other parent completely eliminated from the child's life. This is more than just denying the child or children access to the other parent, this is done to eliminate the other parent. It is done to make them non existent.

Today I will focus on the narcissist personality. I could write several pages describing this, but I will assume that you, as a reader, has suspicions or some knowledge of the narcissistic personality.

Narcissists will and do contradict everything they say, but will do it in such a way, that you will question your own sanity. They will contradict things that you know as fact, things you have experienced together and even contradict their explanations. You cannot reason with a narcissist and I would not suggest trying. You have to keep precise notes and if at all possible, have another person with you on any contact that you will have that can serve as a witness to what was said. You will not win a he said, she said argument with a narcissus. Narcissists do not feel empathy and will feign sympathy to gain your "trust". The more one opens up to a narcissist, the more the narcissist has as tools against you.

Narcissists are competitive and envious. They believe they deserve more and could do whatever project better. In my experience of living with a narcissistic I found that I was told how to dress, behave and how to have my home present as the narcissist is always trying to live up to some perceived idea of success. The phrase that comes to mind is "keeping up with the Joneses". We had to fit this idealistic perception that we were of some social class, some upper class society. This is where one can alienate a narcissist by questioning them. The narcissistic can appear and even talk in social circles that are out of their league, but further questioning will bring the truth. A narcissus does not want to be found that their projection is a lie. Of course doing this brings the wrath that only a narcissistic person can deliver.

Narcissists are critical of personal criticism, but are very critical of others. One thing that comes to mind is the hurricanes that hit, especially Katrina. My ex's attitude was that these people that lived so close to the coast knew of the dangers and it is their fault. If you have criticized a narcissus, then you are well aware of the wrath you will receive. Criticism also puts them at a disadvantage and you can use this to your advantage. You just have to listen very well and keep very detailed notes and or recordings.

Narcissists are sarcastic and attempt to use sarcasm as their joking mechanism. Comments I have heard my ex say to his mother, myself and in the background when talking to my son were: The cookies are burnt on the bottom, must be they are done, Oh look she burnt dinner again, Dinner is not done till the roast is burnt and much more. This is their idea of humor and it is always at the expense of another.

Narcissists feel they are entitled to things. Be it a better job, house and possessions. To gain these material attributes they will lie and steal to achieve this perception. Do not expect a narcissist to be overindulgent with you after they have captured the prey though. Perception to others that they are better and have more is important to them. I could further elaborate on my personal experiences, but will refrain at this moment. Suffice it as my ex has records of theft, embezzlement and forgery, all of which are public record.

Narcissists are manipulative, cunning, deceitful, controlling, charming and persistent. If they feel they can win you over and gain something or take something from you, they will stop at nothing to reach their goal.

Although this may not help you understand many things, remember that once you were dazzled by your ex's behavior, demeanor and bullshit. They captured your attention and love and you gave your all to them. They did not return the level of love that you gave them and they are doing the same to your child. Only when you realized the lies and deceptions could you separate yourself and it took time to realize this. Your child will too one day realize this as well. When? I cannot answer that. You have to have faith that your child or children will eventually get tired of being held hostage in mind, soul and body, just like you did.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

False Allegations of abuse

2008-11-19T16:30:00.009-06:00

As usual, I am researching parental alienation and found some more information. I came across this site today: http://jsoltys.wordpress.com/2008/04/04/false-allegations-a-true-storymaking-sense-of-it-all/

This is a story told by a friend of the tribulations that many target parents experience and that is false allegations. The author writes "This is a true story describing what a friend of mine is presently going through. I never thought I would be writing about the realities of false allegations from such a personal perspective. However, this experience has shown me the extent of the damage done to those falsely accused." The author goes on to write some conversation between him and his friend, Josh, who is going through a divorce. "Didn’t anybody stop to think how an angry, vindictive person can use these laws to ruin another person’s life? What the hell kinda of democracy do we live in”

This really hit home with me. I was falsely accused of child abuse. I was notified at first by a message left on my answering service that my son had been taken into "protective custody". My first thought was " Oh my God, what has happened?" Never did the thought that my ex would abuse our child enter my mind. Granted my ex is no saint and is abusive, but never did I think he would hurt our child. He was abusive to his wives, which by now he has several ex wives, all whom have reports of domestic violence against them by his hands. He has children from another marriage and from our union as well, and he always "appeared" to love his children. Therefore, I had other unimaginable thoughts racing through my mind as to what could have happened that would warrant such a message left for me.

Little did I know, that I entered a world of false allegations and nothing can be done to those that make these allegations.

I would spend the week after I received this message in a state of confusion and desperation. Sleeping, eating and my well being took a back seat. Pretty much the next five or more days were a blur to me. I talked to anyone that would listen at anytime of the day or night. I could not eat, I could not sleep. By day five, my body had enough. Without sleep and proper nutrition, I was experiencing heart palpitations and mental breakdown. I could either continue on this self destruction or gather the strength to fight with all I had. I chose to fight and to do that, I had to pull myself together.

I remember after the accusations against me, gathering my own evidence and being interrogated by these so called professionals doing the investigation. I would learn from their comments on visits to my home, some of the other allegations made against me. The investigator came in and sat down and immediately stated " house is clean". I wondered, "what does that mean?" I realized an allegation had been made that my house was not clean. This was another accusation in an attempt to strip me of my parental rights. The investigator had to take pictures of my refrigerator and pantry, because an allegation was made that I do not have food in my house and I do not feed my son. When the investigator took the pictures he made the comment that "drug dealers do not have food in their homes." Again, I would realize that this was another allegation against me.

For as preposterous as this and the other blog sounds about false allegations, I must say these false allegations exist and are investigated. There is no accountability against those that make these false allegations. They are protected because they made them in good faith. When these investigators come in and do their assessment and find that the allegations have no merit, I feel they should return to the complainant and file charges. That will never happen and this cycle of abuse will continue.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!

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