Monday, September 27, 2010

suggested reading

I think it is important as a target parent to do as much reading as possible about parental alienation. Here are a few of the books I have read. If you have not read them, think about getting yourself a gift. There are several books listed on Amazon pertaining to parental alienation. I picked out three today that I have read.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Parental Alienation...what do you think when you hear that term?

Parental Alienation.....a term that evokes emotion, speculation, arguments and agreement. If you are a target parent, you are in agreement that parental alienation is a true phenomenon. If you are part of the groups that dismiss parental alienation, you have many arguments against parental alienation. You believe it is nothing more than junk science. Why is there such disparity?

I believe that in many divorce and custody cases, there is a mindset of one partner who will not stop at anything to "win". They fail to think of anyone but themselves, but will deny this vehemently. Their need for revenge, their hatred of the spouse, clouds their judgment and impedes their ability to act reasonably with regard for their children. I think they feel the children are young so therefore they can adapt to changes and do not know what is best for them. Although I agree that we must protect our children, we must not place our misguided perceptions above the needs of our children.

Children need both parents and especially more after a divorce. In almost every case, aside from extreme abuse and neglect, kids benefit from significant time with both of their parents. This time spent with the other parent, should not be taken away because the other parent does not like the other. Unfortunately , this happens all the time.

This hatred can fester within the other parent and stories start to surface. Perhaps, when the couple was together, they made time for a date night or made sure the other spouse had a night out with the boys or the girls. Perhaps date night included dinner with a bottle of wine. These seemingly normal activities take on a new light in parental alienation. The alienating parent will tell the children that mom or dad was always out on a boys or girls night out. The alienating parent will say that the other parent drank alcohol and embellishes the story more.

The alienating parent will pursue an agenda of attempting to eliminate the children from the other parent's life. They will stop at nothing, including outright lies to the child and courts, perjury, using the legal system to harass, utilizing the police to harass, enlisting the help of friends and family to make false statements to government agencies, making false statements of abuse and more. They take shreds of truth and expand upon them and spin it into a story. For example, we enjoyed a drink occasionally. I then became and alcoholic who took my child on wild rides in the car. The judge focused more on the fact that I would have a drink. It was never about my having a drink, it became about my inability to control my drinking. Although, I worked some very odd hours, worked overtime, never called in sick to work and did not even have a speeding ticket, I was labeled a person who drank and had a problem. Although my ex spent many nights out with others, my one night out became an issue with the court. I think it was a shopping trip as well. I did spank my child once for running out in the street when he was little, so therefore I was abusive. Hence, the small amount of truth gets blown out of proportion. Any rebuttals I had were never heard. Alienators will block court ordered visitation, they will change phone numbers and refuse to provide a contact, they will enroll the child into activities that interfere with your parenting time. They will stop at nothing to prevent your contact with your children.

Alienators are manipulators and are masters of deceit. Alienators are so hell bent on male or female bashing that they cannot see the forest through the trees. I am pretty certain that they possess traits of a narcissistic personality as well.

One thing that bothers me when these groups that are against parental alienation as a real phenomenon start their rebuttals is that they always claim real abuse and that they are protecting their child. I have to wonder when this so called abuse started? Although I agree there are real cases of abuse, I think many of these groups are using parental alienation themselves and stating that parental alienation is junk science.

Whatever your thoughts are about parental alienation are, I am sure you have met a person who is divorced. Have you ever encountered a divorced person who twenty years later can not stop badmouthing their ex? Have you ever witnessed them talking with their adult children and overheard them telling their children bad things about the other parent? Has this person talked about how abused they were and how their ex did not do as ordered by the court at any opportunity they have? Have you noticed that this person still hates the gender that they talk about? Have you ever noticed that if there is water cooler talk and one person may be having problems at home this one person is always willing to contribute their two cents about how bad that gender is and then proceed to tell you their horrors of their ex? That is an alienator.

Parental alienation is real. it is not some made up problem. Any parent who once has a good relationship with their child who suddenly finds themselves being systemically and methodically eliminated from their child's life, through no fault of their own, can attest to this.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Thoughts for the day

Lately I have been thinking about lying. I have been thinking about all the lies told in my case and searching about quotations about lies. I came across several quotes, many you may have heard.
"O, what a tangled web we weave; when first we practice to deceive! "
"Lies were like acid, corrosive: They could dissolve trust in a heartbeat."

"Who lies for you will lie against you."

"Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind."

"Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half"

"A lie cannot live"

One of the quotes has struck a chord with me. A lie cannot live. Why? Something which is not true cannot continue to exist. It will take time, maybe even years, but eventually the truth will surface.

If you are a target parent dealing with lies told about you, continue to be consistent in your love for your children, don't give up hope. Eventually the lies will be seen for what they are....lies.

Always take the high road, no matter how painful it is. Always be truthful, but do not be an alienator. Always continue to try to have a relationship with your children, no matter how hurtful they are to you.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!