If I were to teach a class....

One thing I would like to do is to teach a class or speak about parental alienation, using my experience and experiences of others. I would love to be able to speak with attorneys, mediator and judges about this, so they could better understand. I would love to have the laws changed so that every high conflict custody case would have to go through some type of parental alienation education class. This so called class would address symptoms, behaviors, solutions and support. While this is a thought still in process, here are some ideas off the top of my head.

I am so glad you decided to listen to me today. While my story is not uncommon in high conflict divorce/custody cases, it does happen more often than not. Although I cannot state a percentage of custody cases that result in parental alienation, I believe the number has risen over the years either by knowledge and the acceptance that it does occur, or by the availability of social medias and the Internet searches.

Divorce and custody cases have occurred for decades and in this time there has been an increase in the number of difficult cases. The case where you have a parent unwilling to budge on any issue and who is very unreasonable in their feelings toward the other parent with the contact/visitation schedule with the other parent has has also increased.  Perhaps this is the first time you have heard about abuse, especially sexual abuse. Searching your local police department records does not show any entries of domestic violence or abuse to the children. Your client may be adamant that abuse happened and has occurred for years, but they were too scared for reasons explained why there are no records of abuse. A bit of research on your part about parental alienation will demonstrate an increase of allegations of abuse just prior to or after the divorce petition.  You must not immediately dismiss an allegation as false because the parents are in the midst of a divorce but must also guard against presuming guilt and aligning yourself with the reporting parent's agenda. 

I believe that extensive interviews with both parents and children by both attorneys, mediators, judges and psychologists  must be taken into account without bias. You will find the alienating parent to be unwilling to budge on any of their claims and requests concerning the children. The alienating parent may even become more rigid and unreasonable. The alienating parent may divert attention off themselves by placing blame upon the other parent, the children or reference to non exist court orders or nonexistent ongoing investigations. The psychologist may note the alienating parent exhibits narcissistic personality traits as well as anti social behaviors.  The target parent my often be passive, overly accommodating, or emotionally constricted. In many cases of parent alienation, the passive partner not only tolerates criticism and accusation, but engages in self-questioning. One confusing aspect of the dynamics of parent alienation cases is that the alienated parent sometimes has more obvious symptoms of psychological distress, such as depression or anxiety, than the alienating parent. When psychological health is defined as the absence of internal distress or conflict, this factor makes it appear that the alienating parent is the healthier parent. However, this appearance is misleading.

Everyone, including the attorneys, mediators, judges, psychologists and parents must be in concert about therapy or ongoing education for the benefit of the children.  These were two individuals  who married that met as two people seeking a relationship with another adult. Hopes and dreams may have been forfeited, but one fact remains, they both loved and cared for the child/children. This fact gets lost in all the bickering, blaming and court proceedings. They once were adults, but act now as children with a playground temper tantrum. It is as if there was a contest with the children as the grand prize. 

If these messages and teachings could be taught and practiced, I think the prevalence of alienation could decrease. 

1) Parents, at one time you cared and loved each other enough that you brought a life into this world.  This gift is from both of you. Your children are the innocent party, only wanting love, security and praise from both of you. Your children seek acceptance from both of you and want to love you both without conflict.

2) The divorce is between the adults. Even though your children may be older and "appear" grown, they do NOT want to hear about this. They wish it would not be happening and are coping the best they can without your input of choosing sides. They do NOT want to pick one parent over the other. If your children are younger, please so not destroy them more by engaging them into an adult issue. They are not equipped mentally and emotionally. 

3) Parents keep your derogatory opinions about the other parent away from ANY source that can be leaked back to your children. Keep your correspondence from your attorney and yourself private and hidden from your children. Keep your files and letters, notes,  blog writings and any social media updates (if you are that ignorant) that are derogatory to the other parent to yourself and do not share with your children or with those that can let them read them. 

4) Practice gratitude towards the other parent no matter how small in front of your children. Remember without this other person, you would not have the child. You have to be grateful for that fact...don't you? 

5) Do not reinforce negative comments made by your children. Your child may be parroting your behaviors. If TRUE abuse is taking place, leave it up to the professionals to investigate. You most likely are not in the profession that investigates this, and if you are you know you must remain distant. Instead of taking the negative comments made by your child teach them problem solving instead. ( I have seen parents complain that the other parent does not see the child and further questioning about visitation results in an impossible visitation schedule for the non custodial parent, based on the custodial parents demands) So instead when your child complains that the other parent did not do this or that, look at yourself and see if you have made this happen. Instead of saying the other parent does not care, tell your child the other parent is trying real hard. Giving a little credit is not going to kill you. 

6) If you keep telling your children directly or indirectly via body language and innuendos that the other parent is  evil, bad, a poor parent, stupid and other derogatory terms, your child at some point will connect the dots that they are that way as well. 

7) Most important...at some point and I do not know when, your children are going to seek answers. You, as an alienating parent, cannot stay the controlling factor in your children's lives forever. Do not continue a cycle of abuse or start one. You are the adult. You got married, had children, the marriage did not work out so do something productive.  Get therapy for the failure of the marriage, get a hobby, do things you wanted, start your bucket list...but leave the children out of this fight.

  

As for how my experience figures into this, I also was facing a failed marriage. . My husband and I had one child. Problems arose shortly after the birth of our son. I suggested counseling which he refused. When it became apparent to him that divorce was happening, he suddenly wanted counseling and appealed to my maternal senses of having another child. While I longed for another child, I could not raise another child in the environment that was present then. As for the his suggested counseling, I refused as I felt it was a ploy by him. I do not know if he would have carried out a successful counseling term or not. We did try other ways of reconciling our marriage though. Church and friends played a big part of this, although must report was to no avail. While the original divorce-custody issues were not easy, I felt they worked somewhat. Our son was having contact with his dad, although in reality it was in name only. He spent time at dad's home, but was never cared for  by him. In my usual defense, his dad worked hard and was away from the home a lot due to his job. As the years passed and usual arguments over care, school, medical concern of son escalated...I would find myself in a battle that I never imagined or could conceive. 

I became a tyrant about education according the courts and my ex. Insisting our son get a solid and excellent education would work against me. I did not like the public school system and had him in private schools, even while his dad and I were married and thought he agreed on this. His dad supported this idea until he decided to use it against me. My working overtime, weekends and odd shifts for the extra income was fine when we were married, but became a major issue when he fought for custody. While we were married, having a nanny was acceptable but was a major issue when we became divorced. Attending church was fine while we were married, but again became an issue used against me in the custody issue. Everything I thought we stood for and thought was important became major roadblocks. While we sat in the mediators office, I felt as I was chastised for wanting our son to attend a good school, to strive for college and to attend church. 

In time I realized I could either keep fighting or as the judge stated and I think is so WRONG, that if I do not let the child go,the child will run away. So I let my son go live with his dad, realizing that in time I may never see him again, or to attempt to have contact with hopes that in time our son will see I did the best I could. I did what I could, traveling hundreds of miles to  see  him and to be denied access. The financial costs and physical,mental and emotional pain were noting compared to what I assumed were the finality of never having contact again. 

As time passed, my hatefulness and contempt of how my husband was making me feel towards his actions, turned to sorrowfulness. I never wanted our child to hate his dad, but this seemed to be the goal of his dad. I had to learn to take my adult feeling of resentment and turn it into a positive. I also had to learn how to project this upon our son who would have nothing to do with me. 

As time passed some circumstances would present themselves.  Our son had a major medical emergency and I was called by a friend after his dad would not answer the phone. After driving about 3+ hours of highway speed and arriving at the hospital and being able to see our son, the next question without hesitation was has his dad been notified to those in the room. I placed a call, to only reach his voice mail and left a message. This is when I realized, the child matters, not you or I.

Parental alienation is not about you, me, our ex... it is about the children and how we handle it to hopefully stop the cycle of abuse. 
Please stop the abuse of parental alienation. 

some great resources

I have talked about reading and researching about parental alienation and I have forgotten to include some links to some resources that I have used in my journey.

Here are a couple of books that I have read and think you may find helpful as well.

My journey,,without an instruction manual

I have been somewhat absent in my posting about parental alienation for some time. I have been working on my relationship with my son. I am sure most that follow this blog have understood that he has come back into my life. I am more than ecstatic about this.

While I feel a sense of responsibility to post about parental alienation, I have had to take time to rebuild a relationship. I found this requires some patience and time; it also requires the ability to accept things one cannot change or have answers to.

When I think back to the beginning of what I would learn about parental alienation, I was in despair. How could this be happening to me, what did I do and how dare my ex do this to our child? It is not about the loving parent and the relationship of a child. It is about a parent who cannot fathom losing a battle, a parent who cannot fathom their child loving this other parent who "hurt" them. It is about immaturity and selfishness of a parent, who encourages a child to side with them.

I did all the court battles, followed my attorney's advice sometimes, but mainly I read, researched and never gave up and remained consistent in my love for my son. I did not attempt to "buy' his love and I never promised something I could not deliver. I was left in massive debt, was without utilities many,many times, was hungry, struggled to make ends meet and alienated friends. My goal was to have my son back and nothing would stop me.

When my son turned 18, this was the worst day of my life. I cried and was inconsolable. He had stated not to me, but to a friend of his who confided in me, that when he turned 18 he would never have anything to do with me again. I could have passed this off as a smack talk, but he was like me and he was determined. He held true to his turning 18 statement. He was an adult and did not have to do anything per the courts anymore, as his dad told him. My son was happy that he was in control now I think. I was the enemy, the evil woman who birthed him, but I was not a mother. He was in control. They won the fight.

I continued my fight. I attempted contact, maintaining my love for him and desire to work things out. My son maintained his "turning 18" mantra.

Somehow, call it divine intervention, things started to change. It seems his dad was not there when our son needed him most nor did not seem to care about his pressing problem at the time and our son needed a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. My phone rang and on the other end was our son wanting someone to talk to who would just undersand and not say some cliche saying and tell him to get over it. This was the start of what would become a new relationship.

In the years that have passed, I am still working on that relationship and still not promising anything I can not deliver. I am still there when a shoulder is needed. I am trying to learn to a balance of caring without being obtrusive and hoping I do not appear aloof.

One of the most difficult things to accept is the fact that I may never get answers as to why this happened, why my son acted in a way he did and why he lied in court. Perhaps he was smarter than both myself and my ex. He wanted to love both parents and he knew which one he could hurt and which one he had to cater to.

So in closing, if you are alienating your children, please stop. You are not hurting your ex spouse, you are hurting your children. If your child continues to "side" with you, someday you may find yourself angry with your child that they have decided to seek out the other parent. If you are an alienated parent, keep showing your love and let your child come back to you. Do realize you may never have answers.

words for thought

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

I am sure my son's father and I would disagree on this quote. While we both may try to educate our son on experiences based on our own, one would have stated a very slanted biased view.

I think the important part of this quote is no matter what we try to teach our children, actions always speak louder than words.

If you are an alienated parent or an alienating parent, remember that your children will imitate you based more on your unspoken words and actions.

another quote of the day

I posted this on the facebook page,

“Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.”

This quote really hit home for me, but I was unsure how others would relate to it. I believe that in cases of parental alienation, the aleinator - wheter the custodial or non custodial parent, utilizes several tactics to persuade the child to turn against the other parent. The easiest way seems to cater to the child's immaturity, innocence and the "gimmes". Funny thing is these are also ways abductors use lures to abduct children.

I love animals and pets as does my son. His dad "tolerated" our one pet that we had, but did not like it. After he left and remarried, they got a pet. It was a surprise for our son. Then came another pet. This was the first time my ex realized he could persuade our son to spend more time with him, by having pets. I preferred to be the responsible pet owner by not having more animals than I could actually care for physically and financially . Then my son would start asking for things, knowing I could not afford them, but his dad could buy them. I did not buy into the buying game, as I could not afford these expensive items. I also was not willing to "buy" my son's love. He either loved me for the things I could provide that money could not buy, or he didn't. Pretty much I was willing to lose this battle, as my ex made significantly more than I did. I could not compete with him on this level.

As the years have come and gone and I have had the wonderful opportunity to reunite with my son, this makes so much sense. He does not remember the race track and cars he wanted so bad for Christmas that I saved and scrimped for, but he remembers moments that he once stated he did not remember in court. There are other events that he recalls, that at one time he loathed or stated never happened.

As children mature, as well as we as adults mature, we tend to start to recall moments in time that money could never buy. Perhaps it is time spent with a grandparent who has since passed or a parent who has passed. Memories that money can not buy. I believe that at one time your children will reflect back to a special time and wish they could have that back. Those are the things that money cannot buy, but it is the feeling that you loved and cherished them.

Never give up on the love you have for your children. Let them know you love them, be consistent in that as well. Keep records, a diary, a private blog that you can print documents from and keep in a file they will find later. Send letters, if they are returned, keep them unopened in a file.

Ask yourself this...what do you recall most from your own childhood. Was it the gifts or a memory that money could not buy?

Burnt Toast

I knew I had not posted in some time, but did not realize how long it has been since I posted on this blog. Over the year I have been reestablishing a relationship with my son and reflecting upon myself and thoughts. Sorry for the lapse in publishing. To be beneficial to my followers and to others, I needed this time.

What does burnt toast have to do with parental alienation? Well burnt toast does not, but hopefully the analogy will cause one to reflect. I found this quote and realized it makes sense.
"If you get upset when the toast burns, what are you going to do when your house burns down?"

My ex, did everything in his power to anger me and he was successful many times. This in turn started feelings of anger towards my son, due to his reactions of what his dad was doing. My son was reacting the way his dad wanted and my response gave them validation to continue their campaign of degradation. When I was able to put into perspective of what was important to me, I was finally able to work on reestablishing a relationship.

So back to the burnt toast. I hate it when I am craving some toast and jam and I go through the steps to prepare this and fail to pay attention and burn my toast. So I throw away the burnt toast and start over. If I am set on the perfect piece of toast and do not achieve that, I may end up going through a whole loaf of bread. The same applies to achieving a successful outcome to parental alienation.

It won't be perfect. But why waste your time and anger over trying to achieve the perfect piece of toast? Before you know it, you could go through your whole loaf of bread seeking perfection and in the meantime burn down your house losing all the precious memories.

Getting your children back, takes alot of patience and tolerance. Things have changed and it will never be the same. Having your children return means that you can start new and build a new relationship, while allowing them to remember the good times in the past in their own time.

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year and strength to endure the tribulations of parental alienation.

Quotes of the day...parenting

Children desperately need to know - and to hear in ways they understand and remember - that they're loved and valued by mom and dad.
Paul Smally

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
Angela Schwindt

Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence.
Plato

If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.
Brian Tracy

The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day.
Orlando A. Battista

Children are not our property, and they are not ours to control any more that we were our parents' property or theirs to control.
Richard Bach

Parents must get across the idea that "I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior."
Amy Vanderbilt

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
Michael Levine

While I feel that all these quotes are very moving, the last three really strike a chord if you are a target parent. Unfortunately in some custody cases, parental alienation becomes very apparent. Quite often one parent, often the alienator, uses the children as property that is to be divided in a settlement. A caring parent would always have the child's best interest at hand. That can be difficult especially when one spouse is very mean. You may be divorcing your spouse, but the children did not ask for this. They also are very scared of their life being disrupted and one parent purposely denying their children access to the other parent is extremely harsh. If you are an alienating parent the greatest disservice you can do for your children is to talk badly about the other parent, convince them to hate the other parent, encourage them to hate them, lie to them and to restrict access to the other parent. Those actions are not one of a parent.

I remember growing up and experiencing some actions of alienation by my mother. Although, I did not know the term alienation or even tied it to alienation until recently. There was a time in my childhood that my mother was contemplating divorce, I think. I got to hear all kinds of bad behaviors that my dad did to her and to me, although I do not remember any of these actions or behaviors. What I do remember is being angry with my mom for trying to get me to hate my dad. While my parents did not divorce, I do remember this vividly.

My advice for the day to any alienating parents out there. You can continue to be an alienator and while you may win the immediate battle, you will end up losing in the end. Your children one day will look back, question actions, seek out answers and you may not like what returns to you. If you are a target parent, continue to love your children, hide the hurt from the painful words and never give up.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Quotes of the day

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate. — Thomas della Peruta

"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”----- Coretta Scott King

These two quotes surely give you something to think about. Hate is such a strong word that evokes emotion. What is hate? Is it the statements of "I hate peas and will not eat them", is it "I hate not having enough money and wish I had a job that paid better"? I think those two statements are more of annoyances that anything else. If I hated peas so much and saw that they were served at a meal, I would make a scene. If I hated not having enough money, I would quit my job. Both of those options are extremes, so therefore I have to say my hatred of peas and not enough money are annoyances and something I can live with. I do nothing to spread my hate of these two things. I do not go on a pea hating campaign and I do not trash my job.

We often use the term "hate" loosely. From hating peas or other vegetables, hating curfews placed upon us as teens by parents, to hating rules that govern us at work, we have at one time or another professed our hatred. In actuality, these scenarios more accurately describe a strong aversion or dislike of the situation or vegetable at hand.

One of the things that is common about the perceived hatred of people, food, and things is fear. We don't know about a different culture or race or we have not tried a food that looks different, so there is a fear of the unknown and hence the word "hate" enters. It is not hate, it is a fear of the unknown.

But when a child states they hate their parent, what is it? Is it real hatred because a teen is grounded because they disobeyed? Is it real hate when a young child says "I hate you" because they did not get their way? I do not believe so. I think those are words spoken by a child because they know it hurts you so much, but deep down they still love you.

When a child in a divorce situation whom you have always had a positive relationship with suddenly professes their hatred for you, not only by words but by actions, this is hatred. How could a child hate the other parent so much? If you are not guilty of abuse, physical, sexual or emotional, then where does this hatred arise from. Children are not born to hate, but the seeds of hatred are sown by the parents. Be it to hate another race, religion, or person. In cases of parental alienation a child may be manipulated by a parent who wants to punish the other, or for custody. They are emotionally blackmailed by the alienator. Children are abused so that a partner can gain an advantage. These tactics fit a description of abuse.

Children are not born to hate, they are taught it. Any parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child. Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

getting ready for the holidays

taking a short break so I can shop and you may wish too as well. Shopping at Amazon.com

blackfriday

Life’s a journey - not a destination

Today as many days, I listen to songs and I have listened to this one several times. Trying to decipher if this is a song that I can verbalize to others. Oh what the heck! I am going to give it a shot!


the lyrics

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain

And when I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick n’ tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishing that I would die

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It’s amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m saying a prayer
For the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot’s a Permanent Vacation
And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen
To all that righteous talk
I was out on the street
Just tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive

“So, from all of us at Aerosmith to all of you out there, wherever you are.
Remember- the light at the end of the tunnel
may be you. Goodnight!

I understand this song was made during their days of drug and alcohol abuse. I also am interpreting it the way I am feeling at this time. I also understand that this song refers to a higher power. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, I am not here persuade you. I am just hopefully offering some insight and hope.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins

My first thoughts were how I did not listen to others in my choice of my man. How others told me he was so wrong for me. Relationships were not working for me and "he" was the one for me. I could not listen to others. So glad I had my angel of mercy watching over me, as I would not realize how much the angel was needed.

There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain

Never gave this much thought till now. Alienators try to make you feel crazy, insane, unstable. You are so confused. You are hurting due to many things. You are living a life of emotional pain.

And when I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn’t get out the door

Alientaors will push you to limits and beyond. You hit rock bottom, thinking you can handle things, but you can't.


I was so sick n’ tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishing that I would die

what lie was I living? The lie that was made for me by the alienator. Did I wish i could die? Oh gosh many times....it had to be easier then the hell I was living.

It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It’s amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you’ll be alright

Not a blink of the eye if you are currently being targeted by the alienating parent. But as time has passed...I have to say a blink of an eye. Why? If one dwells and gets caught up in the moment and does not progress...you may not progress. That moment, if and when it arrives may not be what you wanted. As you look back, you will realize that you have arrived and will be alright.

And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk

Wow! some powerful words!

So in closing. I have made bad choices..am so glad to have my angel of mercy watching over me. You have to learn to crawl sometimes again so you can walk. It is amazing what persistence, faith and determination can do. Never give up! Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings