Different degrees of parental alienation

In his book Divorce Casualties, Douglas Darnall, Ph.D. describes the three types of alienators; naive, active and obsessed. I think every parent, whether divorced or not, should read this book. In families without conflict, this book can serve as a tool for better parenting tips. In families where there is conflict, this can help to point out some behaviors that can be damaging to the children.

Naive alienators: I believe that everyone from time to time is a naive alienator. You do not even have to have children to fall into this category. It is human nature to say things we regret later when we are hurt, angry, frustrated or tired. Everyone has said something they later regret and we apologize for those hurtful words. Parents in custody cases will say things against the other parent that they later realize they should not have said. These words were not said with a malicious undertone, but usually out of frustration. As parents, we do not want our children to hear these words and will explain to our children that those words were not meant to degrade the other parent. Naive alienators feel secure in their relationship with their children and encourage the relationship with the other parent. They will abide by the court orders as well. Naive alienators will feel guilt if they think they have hurt the child's relationship with the other parent. Naive alienators do not have any problems with allowing the other parent access to school functions, records, pictures. They will encourage that the other parent take an active role. This type of alienator is able to place the needs of their child above their own desires.

Active alienators want their children to have a positive interaction with the other parent, but have a difficult time controlling their anger and hurt over the loss of the marriage. These types of alienators will make negative comments about the other parent in front of the child. They know this behavior is wrong, but have self control issues. These types of alienators are able to place the interests of their child above theirs, but they need help in their parenting skills. They are not bad parents and do not mean to disintegrate the relationship between the child and the other parent. Some form of parenting classes or therapy will most likely help this type of parent work through their own personal obstacles that are allowing them to lash out at the other parent in front of the children. I do not believe that active alienators can turn into obsessed alienators if their actions go unchecked. Active alienators have some self control issues where their anger is concerned, but want their child to have a relationship with the other parent. Active alienators may need to find other interests and or hobbies to occupy their moments of feeling betrayed by the other spouse. I believe that therapy is very helpful for this type of alienator and I believe that it can be successful.

Obsessed alienators are a different type of person. I think that if anyone has experienced parental alienation at the hands of the obsessed alienator and has sought support of others that fall into that category, you will see that certain characteristics emerge. No one wants to admit that abuse took place in their marriage and I feel this to be true especially amongst men that have experienced abuse by their wives. This would say that they were weak. No man wants to admit that he was weak. The abuse could have been physical or emotional. One of the things that I read and hear is that control was something their ex spouse had. This is different than having a discussion and wanting your spouse to take your stand on an issue and giving your reasons why and perhaps persuading them to accept. Control is “my way or the highway attitude.” You agree or you don’t. If you agree you know things will go well for you and you can continue to go on. If you do not agree, you know there will be hell to pay. I also think that obsessed alienators fall into the narcissistic, sociopath or psychopathic or a combination of the aforementioned disorders. When one marries a person that could be or is narcissistic, a sociopath or psychopathic, you become their possession. Anything acquired during that marriage is their possession, be it property, material belongings or children. They will control everything. If you decide to divorce this type of person, they will again use their ways of persuasion to gain control. Most parents want contact and access to their children and are willing to give up material possessions to secure that. How many times have you seen a mother or father give up the home so their children are not disrupted in their daily lives? They want is best for their children, so they do what they thought was best. Little do they know that the obsessed alienator lies in the cover of the brush as a tiger waits on its prey? Waiting to pounce and attack with a vengeance.

I compare the obsessed alienator to a tiger because tigers are mostly considered a villain. They live largely secretive lives and attack preys using stealth, cunning and agility. A tiger’s unwillingness to fight without necessity has often been seen as lack of courage and aggression. This is what obsessed alienators are; aggressive and they lack the courage to face the issues that drive them to commit these acts.

Obsessed alienators will not follow court orders. Court orders do not intimidate them for the possible consequences they may face. Obsessed alienators have one goal in mind and that is to destroy the relationship with the healthy parent. Obsessed alienators will gather anyone they can to support their cause. You may find yourself in court with people you have never seen before ready to testify to some atrocious act that you have done. Obsessed alienators thrive on the concept that the more the merrier. The more that support their accusations against you, the merrier the obsessed alienator becomes. They will project their downfalls upon the other parent and be very convincing. If the courts take their side, they have succeeded in one quest, but there are more to come. The obsessed alienator is right no matter how delusional the allegations appear. Obsessed alienators will go to counseling, but only for a short time. They do not need help and they are only there to show the counselor that they can comply. They will say what is needed to suspend those sessions.

Counseling will not help change the obsessed alienator. The only one getting any help from sessions will be the target parent.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

As a target parent I get frustrated with the system for allowing this atrocity to continue. No child or parent should ever have to be separated due to the malicious actions of another adult. There is no excuse for this.

I decided to add the Serenity prayer today because sometimes target parents get lost in the chaos of their case. We know we cannot change things, but really wish we could and wish we were not having to pray for a change.

So will researching the Serenity prayer I came across this site: http://www.allaboutprayer.org/serenity-prayer.htm

"Serenity Prayer: What does it mean?This beautiful prayer was written by a man named Reinhold Niebuhr in 1943. The words have special meaning to those who are often “looking for peace” at a time of turmoil, despair, or uncertainty in their lives. This prayer has become closely associated with 12 Step programs, offering strength and calm in pursuit of a more stable life. "

Well this is not a 12 step program, but I think the prayer has merit for what target parents experience and can be comforting as well.

I found this to be very true:

"Serenity Prayer: How do I put this into practice? Perseverance and successes aren’t born out of good times. They are born out of trials."

This hit home with me, as I have been tried many times, for what I wondered Lord, how much more can I handle? Since my son was born, I have faced many difficult times. I heard that God never gives you more than you can handle and many times I have questioned him. Things happen for a reason and we may not know why. Hardships make a person stronger.

If nothing else, persevere in your efforts to have contact with your child or children. Send emails, cards, letters, or text messages. They may go unanswered, but your child may read them. They need to know that you love them and think of them.

Keep the strength to continue your quest for what you believe is right for your child.

Never give up hope.

So on this eve of the Presidential election, where the hope for change is the message, tell me what change will come for families experiencing parental alienation?

1200 days and counting

Well today is past 1200 days since my son said "I love you" to me. It really does not matter if I made this entry yesterday, today, and tomorrow, next week or next month. The fact remains that I have not heard those words uttered from his mouth in relevance to his feelings towards me. It is heartbreaking to say the least. I also know that he is at an age that these so called words are difficult to articulate at times. It still does not take away the pain that he can easily articulate them to the alienating parent. One could ask if I was jealous of that. I want my son to love both of his parents.

One of the issues I would like to touch upon today is what a target parent is. A target parent is a parent that the other parent has decided that they will ruin, no matter the cost. With the attitude of "no matter the cost", they usually take prisoner of the child's or children's mind in a contested divorce that involves custody of the minor children. The child or children are forced to make a decision that no child should ever have to make. They have to decide whom they will side with. With that decision comes the so called love and adoration from the alienating parent and the desperation, frustration and helplessness of the target parent.

Please do not think that a target parent is some vulnerable and feeble minded person. Do not confuse their frustration with being insecure. Do not confuse their desperation with hopelessness. Do not confuse their anger with hostility. Do not confuse their aloofness with acceptance. Unless you are a target parent or know what a target parent experiences, you can not imagine how it feels to call your child and to have that call go unanswered. You can not imagine how it feels to leave message after message to not be returned or acknowledged. You can not imagine how it feels when you know you should be able to have phone contact and the message service comes on immediately, indicating the phone is turned off; when by court order it should be on, because this is YOUR court allotted time for a phone call. You can not imagine how it feels to find that your child's cell phone number has been disconnected for the third time because you found the new numbers. You can not imagine the desperation a target parent feels because they cannot have access to their child, their schooling, their school pictures or anything a parent would wish to participate in or have a memento of. You can not imagine the emotion the target parent feels when all they are trying to do is to be a parent and they are met with brick walls and road blocks by the alienating parent and the courts.

Fathers and Mothers have been persecuted by the courts for being loving parents by the malevolent actions from alienating parents. It is time that the courts and anyone else involved in the custody issues of minor child find the intestinal fortitude to ward off the evil manipulations by the alienating parent and all who support them.

With this I ask you, have you hugged your son or daughter today and let them know that you loved them? I would, but I cannot do that.

Become an advocate, educate yourself about parental alienation, fight the abuse and let others know that parental alienation is abuse.

Parental alienation is abuse! Fight the abuse!

Dear Son

I found a card the other day in the store and this really hits home. I do not see an author to give credit to.

Dear Son,

Ever since you were born I worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could be.

Did I make you feel important?
Did we find enough time for the little things that live on in happy memories---
like laughter, and hugs, and "just-between-us"moments?

And, even when we disagreed, did you always know I loved you?

Of all the things in my life that I might have or could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's the having you for a son....

If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it...
I'm proud to be your parent, and I love you, Son.

Helpful tips for a target parent dealing with parental alienation

This is not a complete list of tips and I will add to them as time goes on.

One of the things that target parents deal with is how to cope when you are the target parent. It is very difficult and frustrating being in this position. Your child or children, who once loved you, now seem to hate you. You feel powerless and hopeless. So I hope these suggestions can offer some insight.

1) Make sure your attorney understands what parental alienation is about and has dealt with cases before. Not all states allow the term parental alienation into the court system. This is one area that you get what you pay for.

2) Demand that counseling be ordered in your case. If you cannot get this ordered, then find a counselor that understands what parental alienation is and has dealt with other families experiencing this. If you cannot get your child or children to go, then you go. Not only will you gain insight, but you will be able to vent to a safe source.

3) Do not speak disparagingly about your ex spouse where your child or children could overhear you. Have a rule that you will refrain from any negative speak or outbursts when your child or children visit. Also have skin of steal as you will need it. You are going to tried as a parent with your child or children in their attempts to align with the alienating parent, you will be tried by the courts and you will be tried by friends that attempt to help.

4) Have at least one confidant that you can confide in, so you can vent and gain some insight. Your story gets old to many and many do not understand and their helpful advice will wear thin as well. ( why don't you cut your losses? It is a phase. They will eventually figure it out, give it time. )

5) Read, read and do more reading about parental alienation. Buy books about parental alienation. It is a comfort to know that you are not alone.

6) Maintain contact with your child or children, no matter how difficult and heartbreaking it is. Be it cards, phone calls or emails. They may very well be ignored as well.
Let them know that you will always be there without repercussion.

7) maintain a journal of your feelings. If you do it online, make it private and do not let anyone have access. This is for you and it is cathartic.

8) Document everything. Have logs of when you attempted calls, sent cards,keep email copies, write down any contact you have with the alienating parent and what was said. Have a witness when possible. This most likely will not help you in court, but it may.

9) Find a hobby, get a second job doing something you always wanted to do, get involved in support groups, something to make you feel needed and important. Target parents either seem to get lost in the fight or want to walk away.

10) Do not give up hope. For as cliche as it sounds, I think the child or children will eventually figure it out and you have to be there. You may also be faced with the toughest problem as well and that is to not allow your child to hate the alienating parent for doing what they did.

Now if I can only follow the ten things I wrote about. It is difficult as a target parent.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

How can someone help when there is parental alienation?

I hear many times, "I wish there was something I could to do to help you." I understand this to mean that the person saying this cares and empathizes with you, but feels totally helpless. Quite honestly I did not have a reply either, because what could they do to help? They cannot attempt to talk some sense into my child or ex spouse. That would be futile. They can pray for my child, ex spouse and myself, which I do suggest they do. I have been thinking about what someone can do when there is parental alienation happening and I have come to offer this.



If you are the friend of a couple that is going through a divorce that has children, a teacher, a school counselor, a school principal, a social worker, a child care provider, a lawyer, a policeman or policewoman, a doctor, a nurse or any other person that has contact with children and or divorcing couples with children, you MUST educate yourself about parental alienation. You must not be afraid to voice a concern. You must not take the attitude of I do want to get involved in their business. If you are dating a divorced person with children and have some apprehensions and have a gut feeling about things, or think you see some red flags, or your friends tell you this person is wrong for you, then listen to your inner voice and some of the advice you are receiving.



Let me for a moment explain why I said the above statement. When I met the man whom would become the father of our child, I was told that he was bad news. I was told to stay away from him. I ignored that advice. He was divorced himself and had children from his previous marriage. What I saw was a man that missed his children tremendously, loved his children and wanted to spend more time with them. I would also hear him talk poorly about his ex wife and heard all of the terrible things she did during their marriage and why she wanted the marriage to end. We are human and most certainly do not like to admit that we could be part of a problem. I also thought that everyone talked poorly about the ex spouse at first, until you reached a point where you both could coexist. I also heard his family members: mother, father, brothers and sisters, openly trash the mother of his children. They were hurt that their son was losing his marriage and his everyday ability to be a father and thought this was just part of the normal grieving process of divorce. I am not sure if this is part of a grieving process, but I think that any divorcing couple should at least be able to say something positive about the other person, especially if children are involved. The degradation of his ex wife were not red flags at first, but after some time, the constant bad mouthing of his ex wife became old. He did not alienate his children by the tactics used by obsessed alienators, but do have to say his relationship with his children at this time is strained to say the least. He did not have the opportunity to be an obsessed alienator. I do believe that he caused his own alienation. I really do not wish to elaborate more about this at this time.



So what can someone do to help? You need to be aware of the signs and symptoms of parental alienation. You need to realize that this is an extremely deceptive form of child abuse that is perpetrated by a vindictive ex-spouse. It is designed to destroy the targeted parent at all cost, even if it means destroying the children in the process. If you are a grandparent that has a child going through a divorce, you need to remain neutral. You need to keep contact with your former daughter or son in law. You need to stop the degrading of the other spouse by telling the person who is making these comments that you will not be a willing party. If your son or daughter is making degrading remarks, you will have to practice tough love. If it is your daughter or son in law making these comments, you must stand your ground that you will not allow these comments to be made. Do not let threats that you will never see your grandchild again scare you. If they are so determined to make good on that threat, your cooperation with them will only result in your heartbreak. If your good friend is going through a divorce you must do the same as a grandparent should do. You cannot sit idly by and think that trashing a mother or father of a child is normal behavior, until the parents reach a point where they co exist. If you think they will reach that point, the damage has already begun.



If you are a teacher or a principal and a parent questions how they can get copies of their child's school pictures, report cards or notifications of parent teacher conferences, sporting events, plays or anything that their child is involved in, comply with this request. That parent most likely is unable to obtain this information from the other parent and the courts are no relief. Do not assume that the child provides this information.

Be aware when a new love interest starts to refer to the children as ours. This could mean nothing sinister, but could also reflect the alienating parents view that they are attempting to replace the child's parent. Listen if a target parent tells you that things have changed between them and their children for no apparent reason. Do not try to pass it off as a stage. Be wary when allegations of abuse arise for no apparent reason. Spouses do not start abuse when the marriage is about to end.



Educate yourself, learn about parental alienation, learn about child abuse, learn about false allegations, listen to both sides if you are able and trust your inner feelings. People that deceive seem to forget whom they have told what story to. Also some of these stories seem almost outright ridiculous. Ask for proof, not hearsay. There WILL be a trail of deception. You may have to search public records. There will be a paper trail.



You will learn that that the target parent can tell you many terrible things about the other parent but will place the best interest of their child first. The target parent can also tell you some enduring qualities of the alienating parent as well. You will also learn that a target parent wishes to protect their child from having to hear anything negative about the other parent. An alienating parent cannot express any positive attitudes towards the target parent. Do not confuse that they may profess that they encourage their child or children to have a relationship with the target parent but they cannot force the child to have one. They are projecting the "independent thinker" upon you. A child does not want to hate the other parent.



To hate the other parent is to hate half of your child. Target parents do not want their child to hate a part of themselves.



Educate yourself about parental alienation. Look for the signs. Children do not want to hate the other parent. Become a voice.



Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

Alec Baldwin's book " A Promise to Ourselves"

A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce








With all due respect to Mr. Baldwin, I never envisioned myself purchasing a book written by him. I do not agree with many of his views that he supports. When the widely publicized release of the recording of the voice message he left his daughter hit the media air waves, I was appalled. My first reaction was, you, Mr. Baldwin are the thoughtless pig. This of course was the goal of the media. After I was able to get over the initial shock that a parent would say such things to their child, I was able to think about this recording. Other than hearing degrading words to his daughter, I could hear anger, frustration and desperation in his voice. I wondered was Mr. Baldwin a target parent as well?



Whether one agrees or disagrees, I find it very discouraging that it took a "celebrity" to be affected by parental alienation to have some media recognition. Unfortunately, the recognition that was reverberating worldwide, could provide organizations that believe that parental alienation is junk science.



One of the most difficult things a target parent deals with is having to separate what they think a child old enough to know better should be capable of thinking and doing and what children that are brainwashed are able to do. It is hard to separate that a child of 10,11,13,15,17 or any age who is capable of knowing the difference between right and wrong, is capable of "buying into" the process of being encouraged to hate another parent. This is where that outburst by Mr. Baldwin, although wrong, is also understandable from a targeted parents point of view.



A target parent, which is "usually" the non custodial or non residential parent, no longer has the parenting abilities they once had. They get "awarded" the standard amount of "visitation" with their child and if they are "lucky", they get "awarded" a more generous or liberal amount of time. When did divorce mean that you give up your rights as a parent and if you play your cards right, you can get "awarded" more time with your child? It is a system seriously flawed and this is one of the things that Mr. Baldwin makes a point of in his book.



Most parents do not have to have their divorce and custody cases broad casted into the media spotlight. To experience a contentious custody issue and to be cast into the media spotlight, is an opportunity by an alienating parent more than happy to exploit.



If you thought of buying his book to read all the "dirty details" of his divorce, you will be sadly disappointed. I thought he did a great job of telling his story without having to trash the mother of their child. Something that target parents are told, is to take the high road and to not discuss the details. Without some details, it is difficult to understand how the alienation plays a role now in your own particular case. If you thought of buying this book to read about parental alienation, he does provide some heartbreaking details about what parental alienation does. It also allows you to realize that sometimes a parent just gives up, not because they want to, but because they are fighting a battle they know they will never win. Mr. Baldwin did not give up and he fights. Most parents do not have the financial resources that Mr. Baldwin has to fight this fight. Please do not let that detail deter a target parent from fighting for what is right and that is to be a parent.



The book was easy reading for me. I did not break down in a sea of tears, like some other books I have read and am unable to pick the book back up to continue. This was not said to minimize his book. I did have a few sea of tears moments, especially because I could relate and knew the hurt. His book seemed to not focus on the let's hit the target parent in the heart, but to explain and discuss. Although I hate to admit this, I found an appreciation for Mr. Baldwin after reading this book.



If you would like to purchase his book and to read it, I would appreciate that you click the link I have posted in this entry and to make your purchase. I won't beat around the bush. A target parent's fight in the courts is expensive and exhausting. Your purchase helps.



Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

My experience with Parental alienation

How can I write a blog about parental alienation without saying anything about my experience with it? I am pretty private, but my main concern is to protect my son. This is why I have not said anything concerning my case for the most part.

I would have said that my first experience with parental alienation began over 3 years ago, but I now would have to say that my first experiences happened many years ago. Hindsight is 20/20 they say and I believe this to be true. As I can step back and attempt to analyze many experiences, I must say that I have missed many red flags. Some red flags I picked up on, but some I was not sure if they meant anything. The last thing I wanted to do was to jump to conclusions with nothing to base them on except a gut feeling.

I can tell you a date and time, but I won't right now, when I first thought I experienced parental alienation. I had a weekend visitation with my son during his father's summer parenting time. That Saturday evening, my son came and kissed me, hugged me and said he loved me prior to going to bed that evening. This was normal behavior as we always had a close relationship. This would also be the last time that I would hear my son say that he loved me. My ex and I had a transfer location that seemed to work for both of us. That weekend the transfer would be different if I did not mind. I did not mind, but I did need information as to the new location. Somehow I think this was misread as I objected and an alternative solution was suggested. The alternative solution seemed alright with me as long as I was not causing anyone to have to change plans dramatically where my ex was concerned. I was assured that this would work out better. I would realize later that hindsight is 20/20.

What followed after the transfer of my son back to his father's home that summer would hit me like a ton of bricks. Like a car racing down a dark and winding road, I would be broadsided without warning. The impact would be forceful and devastating. You would instinctively throw your arm out to protect your child. You child would be in the back seat with their seat belt on and protected from the crash. The sound would be deafening and the slow motion of the crash would forever play over in your mind as a silent movie. Your child although protected from the impact of the other car would be affected. The aftermath of the crash would take years to reconstruct the details and without a witness be difficult to prove. Welcome to parental alienation.

I can only compare what target parents experience as an analogy to what one could understand as impossible. The target parent is in a boat that is taking on water, they are without oars and about to go over a waterfall, be it Niagara Falls as one of the most powerful waterfalls in the world with about six million cubic meters of water flowing per minute, Angel falls as the world’s highest waterfalls and it falls from a height of 979 meters in Venezuela or Victoria Falls that is considered to be the largest waterfalls in the world. You cannot fight the power. You know your fate and all you can do is pray and fight the power against you. Or you can accept your fate and fade away. I chose to fight to have more time with my son and I chose to fight parental alienation. Little did I know that it is a fight that a target parent can not win.

Parental Alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

False allegations during divorce and custody

I have several theories or thoughts about what happens when one parent decides that they will stop at nothing to win their case. These, of course, are my own thoughts and hypotheses about this and I find that I seek some form of validation to support them.

I came across an article the other day that I thought was interesting.
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/falseacc2.php

"False Allegations Of Abuse In Divorce By Reverend Dennis Austin
There has been a dramatic increase in the number of divorces over the last thirty years. Experts estimate that at least half of all marriages will end in divorce. Divorce has an effect on everyone involved, especially children if there are children in the relationship. Many times divorces become very hostile, which results in long courtroom battles.

In recent years, there has been an upward trend to fathers seeking custody rights to the children. Often times parenting plans can be set up with mediation between the two parents but in most cases, the court becomes involved. During custody battles, there is a growing trend of one parent alleging abuse by the other parent. Before 1973, Child abuse was rarely reported to authorities and often times it was covered up. In 1963, reports of suspected child abuse was 160,000 but between 1976 and 1993, the total yearly number of child abuse reports grew from 669,000 to over 2.9 million after the child abuse protection legislation that Senator Mondale sponsored. The passing of this legislation has also resulted in the increase of allegations of child abuse in divorce battles.

In 1975, thirty five percent of all child abuse reports were unsubstantiated, but by 1993, that percentage sky-rocketed to sixty six percent. In divorce, when allegations are made and the police conduct investigations, ninety seven percent of these claims are unable to be substantiated. It is obvious that many allegations of abuse which are reported in divorce situations are false and ninety five percent of those accusers are women. With the high amount of divorces, the percentage of those divorces which abuse is reported, and the percentage of which are unsubstantiated, it shows that children are being used as pawns to hurt or destroy the other parent. These false allegations of abuse, even if proven to be false, can ruin someone's life and have a devastating effect on the children. "

The author goes on to talk about parental alienation as well.

I find it odd that the number of child abuse allegations has risen dramatically and that many of these allegations are unsubstantiated as well. I would say that this increase is proportionate to the number of divorces that occur when there are children caught in a high conflict custody fight between two parents.

Why can the average person deduce this and the courts, children's services and the police not realize that these tactics are a ploy and a scam? Why are the people making such allegations not charged with a crime?

If anyone researches the term parental alienation, they will find that the common theme is the alienating parent will make allegations of abuse to the child by the other parent, drug and or alcohol abuse and mental illness by the other parent. The goal of the alienating parent is to remove or erase a loving parent from their child's life.

Parents that have the best interest of the child at heart are able to put aside their personal hurt of the divorce and realize that children need to be loved and to feel loved by both parents. It takes an unconscionable person who calls themselves a parent to ruin a child's life. No loving parent that places their child's well-being above their own would think to destroy a child.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

What is parental alienation?

For anyone unfamiliar with the phrase parental alienation, as I once was, it was a term introduced by the late Richard A. Gardner, M.D. There are many so called professionals on both sides of the fence regarding the name parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome. Some believe that parental alienation exists and others do not. Quite frankly I would rather not get caught in the correct terminology, but to educate for what does and can exist in high conflict custody cases.

These ideas are writings from my own personal experience, my observations from reading emails from parents, and my own personal research who have experienced the same thing.

One common denominator that seems to resonate is that the target parent feels as if they were hit by a train on a dark road. You never saw it coming. The aftermath is devastating and something that feels like it will never be repaired to the original state. It is a death, but both you and the child or children are still very much alive. It is grief without closure.

Another common denominator seems that be that the alienating parent is not "right". They seem to have some mental defect and or personality disorder. Of course trying to prove this is futile, because the alienator is a master at the game of deceit. Another common denominator seems to me, is that the alienator has narcissistic tendencies. They may also demonstrate anti social behavior. Alienators seem to have preponderance in the courts as well. They will use the legal system to abuse and harass the target parent.

Although Dr. Gardner coined the term parental alienation, it was associated with mothers. I would rather not write that one gender has greater tendencies to have the ability to alienate a child, but state that both genders are capable of this.

Parental alienation or any other term used to describe the atrocities used by one parent to encourage a child to hate another parent is simply abuse and emotional abuse at that. I would also state that it is the most severe form of emotional abuse that can happen in a child's life.

Can you imagine having the parent that has raised you, loved you, been there for you and shown you unconditional love to be vilified as a criminal and low life? As a target parent to be denied your rights as a parent and as a child to denied the love of a parent, this is a heinous act on the part of the alienator.

Somehow and somewhere the courts, children's services, judges and more will realize this and the laws will change. Until that time, target parents and children that are alienated everywhere will have to have the courage to stand up for what is right. Unfortunately the alienated child most likely does not realize this. It is up to the target parents to stand up, but who will listen?

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!