Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum
As any parent knows, we often get frustrated that our children do not listen to us, or more often than not, it seems that way. When one parent is a target parent, we realize that our children are not listening to the parent that is trying to steer them correctly, but to the parent that is steering them wrong. Any parent that attempts to diminish a relationship between the child and other parent is steering them wrong.
Children not only learn from our words, but also by our actions. What message do we send when a parent who is telling the child to hate the other parent, to disrespect them and encourages others to join in their mission? Then the same parent will tell the court that they are not doing this and does not know what to do because the child refuses to spend time with the other parent. Their words say one thing but their actions speak another.
As a target parent my words of I love you son have fell on deaf ears, but my actions have always remained constant. This one day will be what the children realize and see. The lies they have been told will come to light as well. I found this quote about lies.
“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity”
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Posts
Until today, I never knew the term "Parental Alienation", though I haved lived with this for many years passed and present. I pray that your blog reaches as many people as possible. A conversation with my daughter is what led me to your site. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI have been living with this same issue since day one of my divorce 9 yrs ago. I have two boys whom I love with all my heart. But they want nothing other than the love and approval of their father to the point where they will say and do anything, even if it's a lie, and no matter who it hurts, to appease him. Their father has done everything he can to try to destroy the relationship between me and our boys since the first day of our divorce. He has even resorted to accusing me of child abuse. He places these seeds of thought into their minds to get them to think that I am not to be trusted or respected, even as their own mother. It tears my heart apart. I feel like I'm always fighting against his influence and it makes me very weary. I didn't have the funds to keep fighting their father in court so I had to pretty much give him what he wanted which was even more time with the boys. Now he gets them every other week for a full week. I'm afraid it's just going to get worse with their behavior but all I can do is keep pressing forward and pray that someday they will see how much I really do love them and the veils will finally be lifted from their eyes.
ReplyDeleteI have also been living with this since day one of my divorce 9yrs ago. I have only one son he is 15 now. He came up with a Three Strikes your out type of thing. "what are we in baseball." At least give me the heads up? His mother is totally backing him on this..Because he is allowed to make his own decisions.. I think it is a messed up way of thinking.
ReplyDeleteMy youngest daughter turns 16 today.
ReplyDeleteI have spent <8 hours with her since her dad took her out of school Nov 9, 2009. I learned of this on my way home from work that afternoon - by a phone call that afternoon from the High School principal.
Long story full of pointless drama, but to summarize:
He was a meth addict, and after discovering he was viewing child pornography online told him he MUST leave. I was not safe with him in the same house with my 16yo & 12yo girls.
When I filed for divorce I made the mistake of telling him that I would not reveal the meth & child porn because I didnt want it to hurt my children. He managed to drag the divorce out long enough to rehab. (for this, I am TRULY thankful) He, with the help of his girlfriend (now wife) has managed to totally turn this thing around and I'm now the bad parent. He paid no child support to me, but rather "paid it to the attorney". My oldest had just turned 16 and went a little too far with the freedom with her new car. As punishment, I took her keys, cell phone, computer. This was an excuse for her anger to me, fueled by her dad & step-monster. She decided to move in with her dad, who was living in house with girlfriend. Her younger sister decided to follow. On that night, I tried to calm her by holding her head steady to make her look me in the eye. That translated to me 'choking her' For her sister, I kneeled down in front of her, held her hands & tried to talk. She pulled away from me. At first, I grasped harder then when I let go of her hands, she lost her balance & stumbled a bit. This translated to me "THROWING her across the room and had it not been for the bed she would have hit the wall"
Granted, there was never any "formal" accusation of child abuse but the seed was certainly planted...
The last Christmas with my girls, now ages 20 & 16 (today) was 2005. He has taken them to Colorado every year I was supposed to have them. The attorneys, judges & courts are worthless. He paid my attorney MORE to MISrepresent me.
My baby girl is 16 today & I ache with pain over not being with her for this special day.
Hi
ReplyDeleteI am just learning of the horror of this in my life, going through a divorce with two adult children (20 and 23) and finding I am utterly incapable of reaching them. Mom rewards their failure at university with overseas trips, and appears to be giving all the good things, while I am being shown up as the bad guy.
I wish I had learned these things 20 years ago - I would have understood what was going on while I was trying to be a good dad.
I never heard of parental alienation until it happened to me. One thing I did know was that my son went from loving me that weekend to hating me by Monday. I sat for weeks not knowing what was going on. When I finally got served papers for court and could appear in court, almost a month had passed and that side of the family fed him their poison. It has taken years and a huge amount of money, time and patience for my son to finally realize....that I was not the horrible monster they painted of me.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the faith and perseverance to see this through. it is not easy my friend.
I am so sorry to everyone who has experienced this. I, too, have been the victim of this kind of abuse, as well as my two children. Usually, it is the father that is the target, but in my case, it is the father and stepmother who have waged a campaign against me with my children. I have been kept from my children since our divorce. He has more money and that has served him well. My parents are forced to call their stepmother "Mom" and me by my first name. My ex moved an hour away with my children and his new wife and people were told she was the mother. He has used my children time and time again to hurt me. Whatever happens to me is what I will deal with, but my children should never have been abused this way. It is so painful to be denied your rights as a parent. Especially when I do not have the money to fight him. I also do not want to hurt my children by having to tell the truth in court. My ex has told them he won't speak to them ever again if they live with me. There are days I don't think I can keep going. But I pray that my continued attempts to show them I love them will result in my children knowing the truth. I refuse to participate in trashing him to my kids, but it does get hard to keep quiet. I think of all the years I have lost and I feel desperately heartbroken. I can't stress enough how horrible this is for any parent to do to his/her children. It's abuse and the courts can only help if you have money. If not, you have to just learn to live with it. Like it or not.
ReplyDeleteI have began to realize that the pain of birth, the pain of adultery, the pain of lying and abuse from my x-husband, will never come close to the pain i feel from being alienated from my children, the pain I feel for them, or the pain I feel from my court system and government letting me down... My heart goes out to all of the women missing their children's little moments that we all looked so forward to seeing...
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part of my divorce is not that my ex wife had an affair, was lying, cheating and stealing tens of thousands of dollars from our joint bank account. Nor is it that she now lives with that boyfriend in my 3500 square feet home, and I live in a 1200 sq feet rental. Nor is it the fact that I have to pay her for her past services for the rest of my life.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part is that I am not seeing my 15 year old son, even though I have 50% placement and custody. I saw him 14 months ago for the last time at which point he told me he hates me and he will never come again. Phone calls, emails, txt messages are not answered, presents are being returned.
My ex will leave no stone unturned to hurt me further and I am going through a severe depression because of it
I am new to this page. I have been divorced now for almost 8 yrs. I am the mother of 4 children with my ex. I was forced out of my children’s lives for quite some time during my divorce and after. I need to clarify that I am a survivor of domestic violence because I think that will help explain my story a little bit better. Living with an abuser and being the abused defines a lot of ordeals and behaviors of me and my ex husband during our marriage and after I chose to leave him. Per a typical abusers behavior, he was very good at the “lying game” and I just wanted out of a very dangerous situation. He had control over all the money and hence he had a great lawyer and I had the best I could get. I learned real fast that the legal system does not always side with the innocent and because of this-I lost everything. My home, my children, my dignity. I was on an uphill battle. A battle has not stopped. Per joint custody, our 3 older children ran away from their father’s home more than once. He lied about all the typical things that would terrify children to try to alienate me-their mother, from their lives. I was not absent by choice however and in time, I was able to track my 3 older children down and they are safe. Unfortunately, they hate their father because of his actions towards me and their little brother. My 4th child, my 16yr old son, is still under my ex husbands control. My son has not been allowed to have contact with his 3 older siblings because they are in my life. My son youngest son has also not been allowed contact with any persons that care about me-his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins ect. It has been very hard for all of us. My family nor myslef are rich and my ex husband has plenty of money. I have learned that money sometimes buys your innocence but in the meanwhile, childrens and families worlds are being destroyed by one human being-my ex. I wish we had tougher laws on evil people like this. My children have emotional scars and when he has been done with his games-I need to pick up the peices of these childrens lives that they remembered. I hope we can change things for the sake of our kids. God bless all of you parents, grandparents, and families that are going through this. If you want to learn more about me. Please read my blog. http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3628351982834792829#editor/target=post;postID=3327965010608732224
ReplyDelete