parenting during alienation

One could say that parenting a child while being a target in an alienation case is an oxymoron. How does a parent be a parent during this? How do we as parents correct the abhorrent behavior that our children have? Any correction or punishment of their behavior only adds fuel to the alienation and to the alienating parent. Grounding your child sends the message that you are the bad parent, because the other parent is constantly instilling that message to them. Your children could be told things such as, see I told you your mom/dad doesn't let you do anything, see I told you your mom/dad is always grounding you and more.

So what does a parent do? I don't have a blanket answer and what has worked for me may not work for your case. Target parents are looking for advice and are willing to do what it takes to overcome this as well. You may be wondering what was my "secret" to finally have my son start coming around. There is no secret or special formula. But I can talk about my case and hope that what I have gone through and done helps other target parents. This is my goal, to help other target parents overcome the alienation and to reconnect with their children. My other goal is to have the legal system and counselors recognize this alienating behavior for what it is.

One piece of advice that I got was to "pick my battles". Pick my battles? What are you talking about? How many can I choose?

Let me state that I was not aware of the term parental alienation until after my son accused me of abusing him after a weekend visit in the summer. He spent the summers with his dad and for years all went well, or so I thought. This particular year 2005, things changed. We had a good weekend considering all the problems that happened that weekend. I was kissed goodnight, hugged and told that I was loved by my son. Looking back, I have to wonder if the problems were not part of a plan. I would later find out that my son was told that he could tell the judge where he wants to live and the judge has to listen to him if things change at mom's home. Prior to this weekend I had a son who was considerate, empathetic, sympathetic, loving, giving, respectful and always striving for a bigger goal academically. My son did not have a strong relationship with his dad. I fault his dad for this because his dad was always too busy with work and other activities to take time off to attend school functions and more. My son hated this and always made excuses for his dad, such as his dad's work is important and dad did not get enough notice to change his work schedule. I hated that my son thought this, but I never told him different. I just agreed that his dad had an important job. His dad never called on a regular basis and that bothered my son. But again, there was always an excuse. What I hated about the summer extended visits was that my son was not spending the time with his dad, but spending it with the new wife or girlfriend or in a daycare setting. His dad did have to work and did well in his job, but I never saw any efforts on his part to set aside special time for his son. Our son spent his time with others instead of his dad during the summer.

After that weekend, as I call it, my life turned upside down and things changed drastically and seemingly overnight. Now my list of "pick my battles" was overwhelming. So what were the battles I thought I had to pick from? If you recall I have stated that my son did not get phone calls from his dad. Now he was getting calls up to 15 times per day. Not that it is bad, but it is a dramatic change from previous behavior of his dad. My son was going to his room to talk, but he was slamming shut a door to his room and locking it. Behavior that was also a dramatic change. When I asked that he did not slam his door, he would slam his door again. Asking my son to help set the table for dinner was now met with words of "you can't make me". Dinner was a major and stressful time. He would literally shovel his food into his mouth, and display horrendous table manners. He would leave the table within minutes and refuse to take his dinnerware to the sink. Telling my son I loved his was met with a look that just sliced my heart in two. School was a major issue. Letting him know that he had x amount of time to get ready for school was met with him rolling over and ignoring me. Repeated requests were ignored. Finally I was told that if I force him to do something, he will call the cops and report me for abuse. His school work suffered and I was told that he was trying to get kicked out of school so the judge will force him to live with his dad. I was told he "knew" how to run away and there was nothing I could do and the judge will say he can live with his dad. Peers and my family members were also subjected to this behavior. An elderly lady who always relied on his help with his taking groceries from her car to her house was told she can do it herself. It became embarrassing to hear his insults and rants to others. He refused to call me mom and either referred to me by my given name or as Hey. He told me to take sleeping medicine in excess and to indulge in foods that I was severely allergic to. I was told to buy him things because his dad buys him things. I was told his dad does what he wants. I was told his dad has a bigger and better home, so the judge will let him live there. I had a list of behaviors that were on my battle list and I had to pick carefully. Common courtesy, human decency and civility were completely lacking in his interaction with me and of those close to me.

So I had to find out what a parent was. To me that meant that I loved him, showed him love, guided him, set good examples and try to mold him to be a productive citizen as well. That also meant to me that when he disobeyed reasonable requests, he would have repercussions as well. In the past that meant things such as doing well in school rewarded him. Good behavior could result in a new game or something he was wanting at the store. Bad behavior could be a grounding from the playstation system.

His behavior was abhorrent and grounding was not going to work. He was not doing anything behavior wise to warrant a reward. My hands were tied for the most part.

Then I thought about it. What is the most important thing a parent can do for their child beside offer shelter and the necessities of life, such as food, clothes, school supplies and such? LOVE. That is probably the most difficult things to feel good about when your child so clearly does everything in their power to appear that they hate you and want you to disappear completely from their life. Then I realized that the most important thing however, that any parent can give their child, is a sense of being loved and we have to remember that we are not perfect. Parents this is not a competition as to who can buy more for the child. We have faults, everyone does, parent or not.

The battle I picked was the disrespectful to the parent one. I told him his behavior was not acceptable. I told him I will not hear him being disrespectful to me or to his dad. Yes, I had to bite my tongue and not say disparaging things about his dad and admit I was not always successful, but I caught myself and recognized my own behavior. I always told my son I loved him even when he was very clear in his hatred for me.

Somehow with time, prayers, faith, preservation and many breakdowns of crying in private, things have changed.

Although the courts have laws defining behavior of a parent who is denying visitation, I will touch upon the legal side at a later time.

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!

suggested reading

I think it is important as a target parent to do as much reading as possible about parental alienation. Here are a few of the books I have read. If you have not read them, think about getting yourself a gift. There are several books listed on Amazon pertaining to parental alienation. I picked out three today that I have read.

Parental Alienation...what do you think when you hear that term?

Parental Alienation.....a term that evokes emotion, speculation, arguments and agreement. If you are a target parent, you are in agreement that parental alienation is a true phenomenon. If you are part of the groups that dismiss parental alienation, you have many arguments against parental alienation. You believe it is nothing more than junk science. Why is there such disparity?

I believe that in many divorce and custody cases, there is a mindset of one partner who will not stop at anything to "win". They fail to think of anyone but themselves, but will deny this vehemently. Their need for revenge, their hatred of the spouse, clouds their judgment and impedes their ability to act reasonably with regard for their children. I think they feel the children are young so therefore they can adapt to changes and do not know what is best for them. Although I agree that we must protect our children, we must not place our misguided perceptions above the needs of our children.

Children need both parents and especially more after a divorce. In almost every case, aside from extreme abuse and neglect, kids benefit from significant time with both of their parents. This time spent with the other parent, should not be taken away because the other parent does not like the other. Unfortunately , this happens all the time.

This hatred can fester within the other parent and stories start to surface. Perhaps, when the couple was together, they made time for a date night or made sure the other spouse had a night out with the boys or the girls. Perhaps date night included dinner with a bottle of wine. These seemingly normal activities take on a new light in parental alienation. The alienating parent will tell the children that mom or dad was always out on a boys or girls night out. The alienating parent will say that the other parent drank alcohol and embellishes the story more.

The alienating parent will pursue an agenda of attempting to eliminate the children from the other parent's life. They will stop at nothing, including outright lies to the child and courts, perjury, using the legal system to harass, utilizing the police to harass, enlisting the help of friends and family to make false statements to government agencies, making false statements of abuse and more. They take shreds of truth and expand upon them and spin it into a story. For example, we enjoyed a drink occasionally. I then became and alcoholic who took my child on wild rides in the car. The judge focused more on the fact that I would have a drink. It was never about my having a drink, it became about my inability to control my drinking. Although, I worked some very odd hours, worked overtime, never called in sick to work and did not even have a speeding ticket, I was labeled a person who drank and had a problem. Although my ex spent many nights out with others, my one night out became an issue with the court. I think it was a shopping trip as well. I did spank my child once for running out in the street when he was little, so therefore I was abusive. Hence, the small amount of truth gets blown out of proportion. Any rebuttals I had were never heard. Alienators will block court ordered visitation, they will change phone numbers and refuse to provide a contact, they will enroll the child into activities that interfere with your parenting time. They will stop at nothing to prevent your contact with your children.

Alienators are manipulators and are masters of deceit. Alienators are so hell bent on male or female bashing that they cannot see the forest through the trees. I am pretty certain that they possess traits of a narcissistic personality as well.

One thing that bothers me when these groups that are against parental alienation as a real phenomenon start their rebuttals is that they always claim real abuse and that they are protecting their child. I have to wonder when this so called abuse started? Although I agree there are real cases of abuse, I think many of these groups are using parental alienation themselves and stating that parental alienation is junk science.

Whatever your thoughts are about parental alienation are, I am sure you have met a person who is divorced. Have you ever encountered a divorced person who twenty years later can not stop badmouthing their ex? Have you ever witnessed them talking with their adult children and overheard them telling their children bad things about the other parent? Has this person talked about how abused they were and how their ex did not do as ordered by the court at any opportunity they have? Have you noticed that this person still hates the gender that they talk about? Have you ever noticed that if there is water cooler talk and one person may be having problems at home this one person is always willing to contribute their two cents about how bad that gender is and then proceed to tell you their horrors of their ex? That is an alienator.

Parental alienation is real. it is not some made up problem. Any parent who once has a good relationship with their child who suddenly finds themselves being systemically and methodically eliminated from their child's life, through no fault of their own, can attest to this.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thoughts for the day

Lately I have been thinking about lying. I have been thinking about all the lies told in my case and searching about quotations about lies. I came across several quotes, many you may have heard.

"O, what a tangled web we weave; when first we practice to deceive! "

"Lies were like acid, corrosive: They could dissolve trust in a heartbeat."

"Who lies for you will lie against you."

"Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind."

"Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half"

"A lie cannot live"


One of the quotes has struck a chord with me. A lie cannot live. Why? Something which is not true cannot continue to exist. It will take time, maybe even years, but eventually the truth will surface.

If you are a target parent dealing with lies told about you, continue to be consistent in your love for your children, don't give up hope. Eventually the lies will be seen for what they are....lies.

Always take the high road, no matter how painful it is. Always be truthful, but do not be an alienator. Always continue to try to have a relationship with your children, no matter how hurtful they are to you.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Was she really "protecting" her child? Or is this parental alienation?

According to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, an estimated 355,000 children are abducted from their homes each year. These children can go days, weeks, months or even years with no contact from anyone except their abductor. And many of these children are not taken by strangers: They are abducted by their own parents. There are some who claim kidnapping their own children is the only option they have, but what about the other parent -- and what about the child?

One such child was kidnapped by his mother in a contentious custody battle. Why did she do it? She painted a picture of sexual abuse to her daughter by her husband and her husband's son. The couple each had children prior to their marriage, she a daughter and he a son. Together they had a son. I do not believe allegations were made of sexual abuse to the son they had together, but only about the daughter.


The story can be found here. This is the story of Sindi Graber Linden and Paul Marinkovich and the bitter custody case over their son Gabriel. Sindi moved to 4 countries. I found many stories online about this story.

Mother who fled with son testifies: 'I had to'

Mother loses custody case

So is this mother protecting her son and other children from a monster, or is she selfish and punishing her ex husband for a failed marriage? I believe this is a vindictive, manipulating, cunning ex wife who will stop at nothing to make her ex husband "pay" for their failed marriage. She had changed Gabriele's last name, asked him to avoid the cops because they were working for his dad. She told Gabriel that his dad was the new step father.

This story hits home with me, because it shows what lengths a vindictive ex spouse will go to alienate a child against the other parent. Although my ex did not take my son to another country, he did move often, told my son he did not need his mother and stated the new wife was the mother.

Not knowing where your child is, not being able to see them, talk to them, hear their voice is the most cruel punishment the other parent can inflict upon the other parent.

Parental Alienation is ABUSE!STOP THE ABUSE!

Happy Father's Day

A Dad is a person
who is loving and kind,
And often he knows
what you have on your mind.

He's someone who listens,
suggests, and defends
A dad can be one
of your very best friends!

He's proud of your triumphs
but when things go wrong
A dad can be patient
and helpful and strong.

In all that you do,
a dad's love plays a part
There's always a place for him
deep in your heart.

And each year that passes
you're even more glad,
More grateful and proud
just to call him your dad!

Thank you, Dad .
for listening and caring
for giving and sharing
but, especially, for just being you! Happy Father's Day

To all the Dad's that are unable to see their children today, remember your child maybe feeling the loss as well. Your son or daughter is wishing you a Happy Father's Day in their thoughts.

Any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a Dad!

Happy Father's Day!

If Today Was Your Last Day

I found this download on my computer in my "songs" section. My son had downloaded this. His tastes and mine are different, but I do like some of the songs he listens to. I looked up the lyrics and was surprised. Was he listening to this for the music and beat or the words?

"If Today Was Your Last Day"

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today were your last day what would you do?

quote of the day

I came across this today and really thought this makes a lot of sense.

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum

As any parent knows, we often get frustrated that our children do not listen to us, or more often than not, it seems that way. When one parent is a target parent, we realize that our children are not listening to the parent that is trying to steer them correctly, but to the parent that is steering them wrong. Any parent that attempts to diminish a relationship between the child and other parent is steering them wrong.

Children not only learn from our words, but also by our actions. What message do we send when a parent who is telling the child to hate the other parent, to disrespect them and encourages others to join in their mission? Then the same parent will tell the court that they are not doing this and does not know what to do because the child refuses to spend time with the other parent. Their words say one thing but their actions speak another.

As a target parent my words of I love you son have fell on deaf ears, but my actions have always remained constant. This one day will be what the children realize and see. The lies they have been told will come to light as well. I found this quote about lies.

“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity”

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Happy Mother's Day

A Mother's Love

~

A Mother's love is something
that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.

- Helen Steiner Rice

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's that are target parents. My thoughts are with you today as you are missing your children. I am hoping to hear from my son, but do not know if I will. The pain and feeling of loss is immense.

If you are a mother that has kept your children from their father, realize that you would not have a child to keep from their father without that father.

To my son: Even though we can not spend time together today, I love you, miss you and am thinking of you. You are always in my heart. You have outgrown my lap to sit in and your hands have outgrown mine to hold, but you have not outgrown the love I have for you.

Parental Alienation is ABUSE! Stop the abuse!

April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day

Today is the 5th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day. Why is this important? It is important because as the public, attorneys, judges, teachers, police, social workers and others are educated about the effects of parental alienation then change can happen. Burying one's head in the sand and having the attitude that is just a phase will not make change happen.

There are so many theories, beliefs and opinions about parental alienation. I am not sure what I would have thought about parental alienation until I experienced it first hand. Quite honestly, if I heard my story from someone else, I may have nodded my head, said "oh I am so sorry" and avoided contact. The stories I hear seem something made for drama lifetime movies. The stories I hear all ring the same though.

As I have mentioned before in a previous post, I have reconnected with my son. One of the hard things I have accepting at times is the lost time that I will never recover and the fact that our relationship is now different.

This morning my son called me to ask if we could meet. We spent a few hours together and on my way home I thought about many things. I thought about the hoops I have jumped through just get to this point and how I still am no closer to answers as to why. There seems to be no sense of closure on that fact. As I thought about it longer, I realized that idea of thought kept me angry about what happened. Not as I was angry with my son totally, but more angry that his father could do this to his child. Then it dawned on me that my anger meant that his father still had control of me. The only way I can and will move forward is to let go of the anger. That also means I may never get closure or answers to many questions I have. is it important? Yes and no. And I am working on that.

As I continued to drive home I thought about other things as well. I thought about how lucky I am compared to other target parents and how selfish I was in my thinking that I wanted answers. I started to wonder was there a positive side to all of this?

So here are some of my thoughts. Four years ago I did not exist as a parent. I was not listed as one for his school. Phone calls I made to my son went unanswered and not returned. Text messaging was pretty much non existent unless I was being told something negative. Holidays were not important for me. I was not privy to know anything about school, friends or events. I was not allowed pictures. I existed as a mandated weekend, when enforced, as the person who allowed my son to do what he wanted and to treat me as he wished. If I felt bad or was sick, oh well was the sentiment. I was the doormat and allowed it to spend anytime with my son. I never knew if my weekend would be forbidden or not. My name was not mom, but my given name as well.

Today I am mom. I get phone calls and text messages. They are not regular and go in cycles. I may hear from my son several times a week or I may go a week or two without hearing from him. I am asked for advice about things and told things as well that he does not want his dad to know because my son says his dad will yell at him. I do not disparage his dad to him, although there have been times I could have. I imagine he tells his dad things that he does not want me to know and I accept that. I now get a hug from him and he does not pull away from me. I can tell him I love him and he does not give me that disgusted look. I still do not get I love you Mom back.

So what was the positive to come from this? From experiences and other people's stories. I am able to overcome insecurities and am able to embrace what time I have with my child. I am not afraid of sharing him especially with the other parent. My child is an individual molded from ideas that both my ex husband and I believe in. Anger is a tool that someone holds over another to control. Letting go of my anger took away the control that my ex held over me. My son is no longer a 10 year old, but now an adult and he has adult ideas, thoughts and words. Life is too damn short to sweat the small stuff. Take whatever nibble of positive you have and work from that.