Was she really "protecting" her child? Or is this parental alienation?

According to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, an estimated 355,000 children are abducted from their homes each year. These children can go days, weeks, months or even years with no contact from anyone except their abductor. And many of these children are not taken by strangers: They are abducted by their own parents. There are some who claim kidnapping their own children is the only option they have, but what about the other parent -- and what about the child?

One such child was kidnapped by his mother in a contentious custody battle. Why did she do it? She painted a picture of sexual abuse to her daughter by her husband and her husband's son. The couple each had children prior to their marriage, she a daughter and he a son. Together they had a son. I do not believe allegations were made of sexual abuse to the son they had together, but only about the daughter.


The story can be found here. This is the story of Sindi Graber Linden and Paul Marinkovich and the bitter custody case over their son Gabriel. Sindi moved to 4 countries. I found many stories online about this story.

Mother who fled with son testifies: 'I had to'

Mother loses custody case

So is this mother protecting her son and other children from a monster, or is she selfish and punishing her ex husband for a failed marriage? I believe this is a vindictive, manipulating, cunning ex wife who will stop at nothing to make her ex husband "pay" for their failed marriage. She had changed Gabriele's last name, asked him to avoid the cops because they were working for his dad. She told Gabriel that his dad was the new step father.

This story hits home with me, because it shows what lengths a vindictive ex spouse will go to alienate a child against the other parent. Although my ex did not take my son to another country, he did move often, told my son he did not need his mother and stated the new wife was the mother.

Not knowing where your child is, not being able to see them, talk to them, hear their voice is the most cruel punishment the other parent can inflict upon the other parent.

Parental Alienation is ABUSE!STOP THE ABUSE!

Happy Father's Day

A Dad is a person
who is loving and kind,
And often he knows
what you have on your mind.

He's someone who listens,
suggests, and defends
A dad can be one
of your very best friends!

He's proud of your triumphs
but when things go wrong
A dad can be patient
and helpful and strong.

In all that you do,
a dad's love plays a part
There's always a place for him
deep in your heart.

And each year that passes
you're even more glad,
More grateful and proud
just to call him your dad!

Thank you, Dad .
for listening and caring
for giving and sharing
but, especially, for just being you! Happy Father's Day

To all the Dad's that are unable to see their children today, remember your child maybe feeling the loss as well. Your son or daughter is wishing you a Happy Father's Day in their thoughts.

Any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a Dad!

Happy Father's Day!

If Today Was Your Last Day

I found this download on my computer in my "songs" section. My son had downloaded this. His tastes and mine are different, but I do like some of the songs he listens to. I looked up the lyrics and was surprised. Was he listening to this for the music and beat or the words?

"If Today Was Your Last Day"

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today were your last day what would you do?

quote of the day

I came across this today and really thought this makes a lot of sense.

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum

As any parent knows, we often get frustrated that our children do not listen to us, or more often than not, it seems that way. When one parent is a target parent, we realize that our children are not listening to the parent that is trying to steer them correctly, but to the parent that is steering them wrong. Any parent that attempts to diminish a relationship between the child and other parent is steering them wrong.

Children not only learn from our words, but also by our actions. What message do we send when a parent who is telling the child to hate the other parent, to disrespect them and encourages others to join in their mission? Then the same parent will tell the court that they are not doing this and does not know what to do because the child refuses to spend time with the other parent. Their words say one thing but their actions speak another.

As a target parent my words of I love you son have fell on deaf ears, but my actions have always remained constant. This one day will be what the children realize and see. The lies they have been told will come to light as well. I found this quote about lies.

“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity”

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Happy Mother's Day

A Mother's Love

~

A Mother's love is something
that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.

- Helen Steiner Rice

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's that are target parents. My thoughts are with you today as you are missing your children. I am hoping to hear from my son, but do not know if I will. The pain and feeling of loss is immense.

If you are a mother that has kept your children from their father, realize that you would not have a child to keep from their father without that father.

To my son: Even though we can not spend time together today, I love you, miss you and am thinking of you. You are always in my heart. You have outgrown my lap to sit in and your hands have outgrown mine to hold, but you have not outgrown the love I have for you.

Parental Alienation is ABUSE! Stop the abuse!

April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day

Today is the 5th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day. Why is this important? It is important because as the public, attorneys, judges, teachers, police, social workers and others are educated about the effects of parental alienation then change can happen. Burying one's head in the sand and having the attitude that is just a phase will not make change happen.

There are so many theories, beliefs and opinions about parental alienation. I am not sure what I would have thought about parental alienation until I experienced it first hand. Quite honestly, if I heard my story from someone else, I may have nodded my head, said "oh I am so sorry" and avoided contact. The stories I hear seem something made for drama lifetime movies. The stories I hear all ring the same though.

As I have mentioned before in a previous post, I have reconnected with my son. One of the hard things I have accepting at times is the lost time that I will never recover and the fact that our relationship is now different.

This morning my son called me to ask if we could meet. We spent a few hours together and on my way home I thought about many things. I thought about the hoops I have jumped through just get to this point and how I still am no closer to answers as to why. There seems to be no sense of closure on that fact. As I thought about it longer, I realized that idea of thought kept me angry about what happened. Not as I was angry with my son totally, but more angry that his father could do this to his child. Then it dawned on me that my anger meant that his father still had control of me. The only way I can and will move forward is to let go of the anger. That also means I may never get closure or answers to many questions I have. is it important? Yes and no. And I am working on that.

As I continued to drive home I thought about other things as well. I thought about how lucky I am compared to other target parents and how selfish I was in my thinking that I wanted answers. I started to wonder was there a positive side to all of this?

So here are some of my thoughts. Four years ago I did not exist as a parent. I was not listed as one for his school. Phone calls I made to my son went unanswered and not returned. Text messaging was pretty much non existent unless I was being told something negative. Holidays were not important for me. I was not privy to know anything about school, friends or events. I was not allowed pictures. I existed as a mandated weekend, when enforced, as the person who allowed my son to do what he wanted and to treat me as he wished. If I felt bad or was sick, oh well was the sentiment. I was the doormat and allowed it to spend anytime with my son. I never knew if my weekend would be forbidden or not. My name was not mom, but my given name as well.

Today I am mom. I get phone calls and text messages. They are not regular and go in cycles. I may hear from my son several times a week or I may go a week or two without hearing from him. I am asked for advice about things and told things as well that he does not want his dad to know because my son says his dad will yell at him. I do not disparage his dad to him, although there have been times I could have. I imagine he tells his dad things that he does not want me to know and I accept that. I now get a hug from him and he does not pull away from me. I can tell him I love him and he does not give me that disgusted look. I still do not get I love you Mom back.

So what was the positive to come from this? From experiences and other people's stories. I am able to overcome insecurities and am able to embrace what time I have with my child. I am not afraid of sharing him especially with the other parent. My child is an individual molded from ideas that both my ex husband and I believe in. Anger is a tool that someone holds over another to control. Letting go of my anger took away the control that my ex held over me. My son is no longer a 10 year old, but now an adult and he has adult ideas, thoughts and words. Life is too damn short to sweat the small stuff. Take whatever nibble of positive you have and work from that.

Tennessee moves to have shared custody in divorces

Today I came across a newspaper article in USAToday that talked about a Tennessee bill that would evenly split custody in contentious divorce cases. My initial thoughts were this is great! Perhaps one state is listening to parents who are being wrongfully withheld parenting time with their children. I thought perhaps that parental alienation had been broached with these legislators and they were doing something positive in custody cases. As I read the article and took a look at the bill myself, I saw many obstacles and wording that, I thought, left a lot to be misunderstood or open to differing opinions by the judges. The more I read it, the more I could see a severe alienating parent using this bill to their advantage.

This is how HB 2916 reads:

HOUSE BILL 2916
By Bell
AN ACT to amend Tennessee Code Annotated, Title 36,
Chapter 6, Part 1, relative to equal parenting.
BE IT ENACTED BY THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF TENNESSEE:
SECTION 1. Tennessee Code Annotated, Section 36-6-101, is amended by deleting
subdivision (a)(2)(A)(i) in its entirety and substituting instead the following:
(i) Except as provided in this subdivision (a)(2)(A), the court shall have the widest
discretion to order a custody arrangement that is in the best interest of the child. At any
hearing to determine custody of a minor child, the court shall order that the child get
equal time with each of the child's parents unless the court finds by clear and convincing
evidence that one (1) or both of the parents are unfit to care for the child. This section
shall not be construed to prohibit both fit parents from voluntarily entering into a
parenting plan that does not give the child equal time with each parent. This section
shall not be construed to prohibit the court from giving the child less than equal time with
a parent that does not seek equal time with the child. For the purpose of assisting the
court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the
court may direct that an investigation be conducted.
SECTION 2. This act shall take effect July 1, 2010, the public welfare requiring it.

Of course I noticed the words "best interests of the children" mentioned in this bill and most states have a "best interests of the children" doctrine, but fail to follow it.

I think shared custody, in it's theory, is the best possible solution for children, but unfortunately the model is flawed. I believe in only a handful of cases, that shared custody would actually work and could have a positive affect on the children. These cases would be the ones were the two parents part ways, but place the well being of their children above their own and get on with their own lives without involving the children in games. Unfortunately this does not happen often enough. Children become a bargaining chip in divorce, along with material possessions to divide.

In an ideal model, children would be allowed to live in the same home they have been raised in and attend the school they have attended for years. The friendships they have made would not be broken because they have to move or change schools. The parents would live in the same town, so they could attend school functions, help with homework or take the child for a special treat after school, such as the park or the movies. Perhaps one parent works later into the evening and the other parent does not. The child could spend time with both parents on a daily basis, by always having a parent available after school. What could result from that is that parents would make the most of their time with their children and the children may actually get more and better quality time with both parents.

In this bill it states: "the court shall order that the child get
equal time with each of the child's parents unless the court finds by clear and convincing
evidence that one (1) or both of the parents are unfit to care for the child." and "For the purpose of assisting the
court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the
court may direct that an investigation be conducted."
In cases of parental alienation, false allegations of abuse are made more often than not. Allegations of drug and alcohol abuse are also made. These are the things that can deem a parent unfit and to lose their parenting rights. The second statement is very backwards though. For the purpose of assisting the court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the court may direct an investigation be conducted. Let me ask you....how did the court determine that a parent was unfit without an investigation? If a parent is deemed unfit based on false allegations, then this bill only fails the children that it claims it wants to protect.

I found this quote about false accusations and find that it is so true. When one person makes an accusation, check to be sure he himself is not the guilty one. Sometimes it is those whose case is weak who make the most clamor.

Shared custody would be in the best interests of the children. The children did not divorce their parents, but they are the ones that loses a parent who loves them. Shared custody could work, if the two divorcing parents could be adults and actually place their children first.

What are your thoughts?

Parental Alienation is ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!

Facebook is the rage

I am not sure I did this correct, but I think I set up a facebook page?

Facebook

My case

As I stated in my previous post, I have had some obligations. My first obligation is to myself to make sure I am healthy. I have to be able to deal physically, emotionally, mentality and spiritually with coming to my own terms about parental alienation. I do not do well in all avenues, but I have never given up hope and faith that maybe one day things will change. I do not care if you do not believe in God, but I think you have faith in a higher power than you. This blog was never meant to spread a religious belief, but I will write of faith and hope. I will also post links, videos and sayings of what one can call religious beliefs. This is not about my own beliefs pertaining to religion or lack of, but my own thoughts, ideas and experiences in dealing with parental alienation. I find things that mean something to me and I post it.

I am a bit hesitant to write my next lines, because I did nothing out of the ordinary and I have no magic or iron clad answer to your situation. I am also sad to write my next lines because I know, many wish they could have this as well.

So here it goes......

I have been able to reconnect with my son. We talk on the phone, I go to see him for about an hour, he has come here a few times to see me. OK, He comes here to see a friend and stays at my house, but I get the benefit of seeing him. Maybe reconnect is a bit much to say, but I have been able to see him because he and I want that.

It has not been easy nor a sigh of relief. I still contend with his dad's control.

What I have realized, or so I think, is that my son so much wanted a relationship with his dad that he was willing to do anything to have that. That is where parental alienation came into play. I did not deny him his dad, but his dad said I did. Gosh, sounding like my prior post, but sad to say his dad did not do what he had to, to have the relationship with his son and I payed the price. Not sure how to post because I sound bad. His dad had every other weekend, had a day through the week, had two weeks in the summer. His dad took every other weekend, never was there, did not do the through the week, and I gave him the summers and asked for two weeks with my son. You know what? Water under the bridge.

I became a target when my son turned 14 years old, because the "law" states here that a child has a say at that age. Come to realize, all my son had to say was he wanted to live with the other parent. Instead it became I was the bitch from hell. The "law" also states a change in circumstances, but little did I know that change was the desire of my son wanting to live elsewhere. Instead that change became allegations of abuse and more.

Yes, I sounded bitter in the last bit. Yes I am. That is what I am working through.

Bottom line: I get to talk with my son, I get to see him. I am working on this. Cost: Priceless!

My thoughts for the day

First of all, I need to apologize for my absence in keeping this blog up to date. It is not for lack of ideas and thoughts to write about, but my poor time management into organizing constructive posts. I also have had other obligations that have taken precedence. I will touch on those later, hopefully today.

Through my own experiences with parental alienation and with listening with other people's experiences, I seem to have become either very hypersensitive to many things that people say and do. Am I just angry that I am a target parent, or am I on to something? I would suspect a bit of both. We have interactions with people on a daily basis. Some of those interactions are pleasant and others not. Some people have a bad day and complain about what is bothering them and others complain about every little thing. Then there are those that explain in detail about their bad marriage and custody fight that took place 20 or more years ago. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of hearing how he beat her up and was mean. I got the message the first 10 times you told that story. That is the type of person I am talking about. The one that can not let go, has to keep telling you the "story" over and over. The one that "knows" that the new person someone is dating is just like her ex, she knows the type and more. Then the next thing you know, everyone is convinced that the new friend is a stalker, a possible kidnapper and obviously up to no good. What I am trying to illustrate is that one person can convince others that something sinister is taking place. Their concern and own ideas convince others of something that is not even taking place.

When one hears the term parental alienation or custodial interference, many do not understand or if they think they do, just pass it off as a phase. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me "it's just a phase" that my son was going through, I could be rich. Well, I am not rich and it was not a phase, but no one seemed to care, except those very close to me and others that actually understood and experienced parental alienation first hand.

Parental alienation is abuse....it is made up stories to make the other parent look good to the courts, to their friends and to hopefully win them custody. Unfortunately, the courts do not take this seriously, or if they do, many times their hands are tied. If there are laws regarding parenting time, the laws are not enforced. If they are enforced, the punishment is lax. Therefore the cycle continues and the courts and judges fail to recognize this as abuse.

Until parental alienation, custodial interference and parenting time interference are recognized as abuse, then nothing will change.

Parental Alienation is ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!