The most fit parent is the one that allows ongoing and continual contact between the other parent, and "actively encourages" the children to see the other parent, and supports the children interactions with the other parent. That is a fit parent. Anything less is unfit.
Mark Godbey
It is such a simple but yet very profound statement. The best interests of the child doctrine. For example in my state the code reads:
The court will take into consideration the following primary factors when determining what custody arrangement is best for a child:
(a) the love, affection, and emotional ties between the parents and child;
(b) the importance of continuity and the length of time the child has lived in a stable and satisfactory environment;
(c) whether there has been any domestic violence or physical or mental abuse to the child, spouse, or any other person and whether a parent has had to relocate to avoid such violence;
(d) the stability of the family unit;
(e) the mental and physical health of the parents;
(f) the home, school, and community record of the child;
(g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age;
(h) the character and behavior of any person who lives in or visits the parent’s home and such person’s interactions with the child; and
(i) each parent’s past and potential performance of parenting duties, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent.
If you notice section (i) lists each parent's past and potential performance of parenting abilities, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent. Why is this recommendation so far down the list?
I do know that from my experience dealing with custody issues, the major factor that was considered was (g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age. For some reason, no one seemed to care except for my attorney and myself that if my son went to live with his father that he would be losing out on quite a bit.
I can argue as well as my ex can argue each and every point of this doctrine. For example:
(a) the love, affection, and emotional ties between the parents and child;
My stand: My son and I have a very strong bond and I make sure he gets to have his time with dad.
Ex's stand: Our son does not need his mom anymore, this is when he needs his dad more.
(b) the importance of continuity and the length of time the child has lived in a stable and satisfactory environment;
My stand: Our son has lived with me for X amount of years. Attends a good school, does well in school, has long time friends and activities in school. He attends church and is active in church.
Ex's stand: Our son needs his father now and does not need his mom anymore. He will attend school and church.
(c) whether there has been any domestic violence or physical or mental abuse to the child, spouse, or any other person and whether a parent has had to relocate to avoid such violence;
My stand: I do not state in court, but have records of domestic violence against me by my ex. I would later find more domestic violence charges against my ex from the next wife.
My ex's stand: I am abusive to our son and our son will testify to this as well.
(d) the stability of the family unit;
My stand: My ex is number 2 husband. I have no children from a previous and short marriage. I have remained single and supported myself and our child. He attends the same school and attends church. I go without so I do not disrupt our son's life.
My ex's stand: I am married and wife can stay at home and not work. ( this is marriage # 3 and there is marriage #4 as well) Mother has to work and get a babysitter so she can make money. I(ex) make X amount of money and can buy more for our son and provide better. He also makes claim to the better home (larger and more expensive) that he has.
(e) the mental and physical health of the parents;
My stand: I make no claims, because I can not support these with verifiable proof. I can tell you some stories, but what does that prove?
My ex's stand: Mother is mentally unfit to be a parent. (I end up taking a mental exam to prove him wrong) Mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic. ( I am again investigated for these claims, which end up stating no proof)
(f) the home, school, and community record of the child;
My stand: Our son has attended such school for all his life, does well and is challenged in school and has many friends. Our son has lived in the same home with me for X amount of time, only moved because I wanted a safer or better neighborhood once. Our son does community service as required projects in school.
My ex's stand. I am married, wife is there when I am not. He will attend school. Community service is BS. ( ex has moved 6 times at this point, married twice since our divorce and it is not relevant to my case, I am told)
(g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age;
My stand: A 12 year old is a minor and can not state what they want to the court. My 12 year old on some days does not want to go to school...are you Judge going to allow him to state this and you allow this? A 12 year old is easily manipulated and easily bought. What message do you send to children that they can tell a judge what they want and the judge agrees without investigation?
My ex's stand: Our son wants to live with me because he does not need his mother anymore. He needs his dad more.
(h) the character and behavior of any person who lives in or visits the parent’s home and such person’s interactions with the child;
My stand: My ex is now on wife #4, I have not remarried. Current and previous wife have questionable histories....proven by public record. Previous wife has been jailed for failure to pay child support and my ex bails her out and pays her back support. My ex is arrested on theft charges. I can go on as well.
My ex's stand. Mother is abusive, she has a boyfriend and is not married and he is abusive and our son wants to live with me because he does not need his mother anymore and needs his father more.
(i) each parent’s past and potential performance of parenting duties, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent.
My stand: I allow time with father and give extra time.
Ex's stand: Mother forbids time with me and I will not make our son spend time with her if he (son) does not want to.
Although I gave as much information as possible, it still does not come close to the arguments that my ex and I had in our custody case. The major overtone was that our son needed his father more and did not need his mother and the clause that he was 12 or older was used in their case. No one seemed to "hear" that our son needed his father more and did not need his mother anymore. I was told that was the stage of life he was in, because he was in puberty. HOLD ON! Puberty? I do not recall this mentioned. I was told that no one can force a teen to do something. I would only suffer if it was ordered that our son remain with me, because he will run away. Yes, the guardian ad litem and my ex's attorney have already stated that my son will run away if he is forced to live with his mom. Excuse me! Have you not heard anything? The common tone is that the child needs his father more and does not need his mother anymore and not one person can prove these allegations of abuse that have been made against his mother. They have already heard that the father will not force his son to spend time with his mother and then there is talk that when he turns 18, the child is an adult. Therefore, the father can not enforce visitation, even though our son would still be in high-school.
The courts fail parents. Alienating parents fail their children. Judges fail to make educated, difficult and non popular rulings.
So yes, it boils down to one simple statement. Which parent is going to allow ongoing and continual contact with the other parent that also allows for undivided love for both parents?
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