I have talked about reading and researching about parental alienation and I have forgotten to include some links to some resources that I have used in my journey.
Here are a couple of books that I have read and think you may find helpful as well.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
My journey,,without an instruction manual
I have been somewhat absent in my posting about parental alienation for some time. I have been working on my relationship with my son. I am sure most that follow this blog have understood that he has come back into my life. I am more than ecstatic about this.
While I feel a sense of responsibility to post about parental alienation, I have had to take time to rebuild a relationship. I found this requires some patience and time; it also requires the ability to accept things one cannot change or have answers to.
When I think back to the beginning of what I would learn about parental alienation, I was in despair. How could this be happening to me, what did I do and how dare my ex do this to our child? It is not about the loving parent and the relationship of a child. It is about a parent who cannot fathom losing a battle, a parent who cannot fathom their child loving this other parent who "hurt" them. It is about immaturity and selfishness of a parent, who encourages a child to side with them.
I did all the court battles, followed my attorney's advice sometimes, but mainly I read, researched and never gave up and remained consistent in my love for my son. I did not attempt to "buy' his love and I never promised something I could not deliver. I was left in massive debt, was without utilities many,many times, was hungry, struggled to make ends meet and alienated friends. My goal was to have my son back and nothing would stop me.
When my son turned 18, this was the worst day of my life. I cried and was inconsolable. He had stated not to me, but to a friend of his who confided in me, that when he turned 18 he would never have anything to do with me again. I could have passed this off as a smack talk, but he was like me and he was determined. He held true to his turning 18 statement. He was an adult and did not have to do anything per the courts anymore, as his dad told him. My son was happy that he was in control now I think. I was the enemy, the evil woman who birthed him, but I was not a mother. He was in control. They won the fight.
I continued my fight. I attempted contact, maintaining my love for him and desire to work things out. My son maintained his "turning 18" mantra.
Somehow, call it divine intervention, things started to change. It seems his dad was not there when our son needed him most nor did not seem to care about his pressing problem at the time and our son needed a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. My phone rang and on the other end was our son wanting someone to talk to who would just undersand and not say some cliche saying and tell him to get over it. This was the start of what would become a new relationship.
In the years that have passed, I am still working on that relationship and still not promising anything I can not deliver. I am still there when a shoulder is needed. I am trying to learn to a balance of caring without being obtrusive and hoping I do not appear aloof.
One of the most difficult things to accept is the fact that I may never get answers as to why this happened, why my son acted in a way he did and why he lied in court. Perhaps he was smarter than both myself and my ex. He wanted to love both parents and he knew which one he could hurt and which one he had to cater to.
So in closing, if you are alienating your children, please stop. You are not hurting your ex spouse, you are hurting your children. If your child continues to "side" with you, someday you may find yourself angry with your child that they have decided to seek out the other parent. If you are an alienated parent, keep showing your love and let your child come back to you. Do realize you may never have answers.
While I feel a sense of responsibility to post about parental alienation, I have had to take time to rebuild a relationship. I found this requires some patience and time; it also requires the ability to accept things one cannot change or have answers to.
When I think back to the beginning of what I would learn about parental alienation, I was in despair. How could this be happening to me, what did I do and how dare my ex do this to our child? It is not about the loving parent and the relationship of a child. It is about a parent who cannot fathom losing a battle, a parent who cannot fathom their child loving this other parent who "hurt" them. It is about immaturity and selfishness of a parent, who encourages a child to side with them.
I did all the court battles, followed my attorney's advice sometimes, but mainly I read, researched and never gave up and remained consistent in my love for my son. I did not attempt to "buy' his love and I never promised something I could not deliver. I was left in massive debt, was without utilities many,many times, was hungry, struggled to make ends meet and alienated friends. My goal was to have my son back and nothing would stop me.
When my son turned 18, this was the worst day of my life. I cried and was inconsolable. He had stated not to me, but to a friend of his who confided in me, that when he turned 18 he would never have anything to do with me again. I could have passed this off as a smack talk, but he was like me and he was determined. He held true to his turning 18 statement. He was an adult and did not have to do anything per the courts anymore, as his dad told him. My son was happy that he was in control now I think. I was the enemy, the evil woman who birthed him, but I was not a mother. He was in control. They won the fight.
I continued my fight. I attempted contact, maintaining my love for him and desire to work things out. My son maintained his "turning 18" mantra.
Somehow, call it divine intervention, things started to change. It seems his dad was not there when our son needed him most nor did not seem to care about his pressing problem at the time and our son needed a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. My phone rang and on the other end was our son wanting someone to talk to who would just undersand and not say some cliche saying and tell him to get over it. This was the start of what would become a new relationship.
In the years that have passed, I am still working on that relationship and still not promising anything I can not deliver. I am still there when a shoulder is needed. I am trying to learn to a balance of caring without being obtrusive and hoping I do not appear aloof.
One of the most difficult things to accept is the fact that I may never get answers as to why this happened, why my son acted in a way he did and why he lied in court. Perhaps he was smarter than both myself and my ex. He wanted to love both parents and he knew which one he could hurt and which one he had to cater to.
So in closing, if you are alienating your children, please stop. You are not hurting your ex spouse, you are hurting your children. If your child continues to "side" with you, someday you may find yourself angry with your child that they have decided to seek out the other parent. If you are an alienated parent, keep showing your love and let your child come back to you. Do realize you may never have answers.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
words for thought
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
I am sure my son's father and I would disagree on this quote. While we both may try to educate our son on experiences based on our own, one would have stated a very slanted biased view.
I think the important part of this quote is no matter what we try to teach our children, actions always speak louder than words.
If you are an alienated parent or an alienating parent, remember that your children will imitate you based more on your unspoken words and actions.
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