Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Last post of 2008

2008 was not so great.
It was filled with hate.
I hope that 2009
will be a better time.

Well that was my lame attempt at my so called "poetry". As I reflect back over the past year, I have to say that 2008 was not so great. The major story seems to be the economic problems, which has affected everyone I know.

There have been other stories as well and for target parents everywhere, their story has not changed. I am sure there are some more positive stories where parental alienation is concerned. Perhaps you are a parent that has been able to have some contact and that is great. In fact, I know of a father that did not contact with his son for over 15 years and during Christmas, he was able to see him and talk with him for the first time. I cried for him when I heard this. To those that have no idea of the heartbreak and sense of loss, you can not imagine the emotional roller coaster that target parents ride. I hope for him that this relationship will continue to grow and that he feels a sense of relief.

For the target parents that still have no contact, please do not ever give up hope and keep trying. Keep sending your letters, e-mails, text messages and other means of contact. You may not get a reply or you may get a nasty and negative reply. Do not let that deter you. Realize that those nasty and negative replies may not be what your son or daughter wants to relay to you, but remember that they are still being guided by the alienating parent. The alienating parent may be sending these messages electronically posing as the child. If you stop your contact, the alienating parent is still controlling your child and you. Your son or daughter may even call you and demand that you stop, but that alienating parent may be standing over them commanding that they say this. All research indicates that target parents who successfully reunited with their children did so because they would not give up. Don't give up!

As this year ends and a new one begins, I hope that 2009 will see changes where family law is concerned. Let's make 2009 the year of the child. The year where no child will ever have to pick one parent over the other. The year where no child will have to suffer the loss of a parent who loves them. The year where no child will have to subjected to this type of abuse again.

God Bless and Happy New Year!

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas without my son

What was supposed to be a holly jolly time filled with lots of family, food, music and festivities was a very quiet time for me. I did celebrate with someone I love, but my son was missing.

It has been a difficult time for me since Thanksgiving, which seems to mark the start of the holiday season. I did not want to put up a Christmas tree nor decorate the home. I finally relented and did some basic decorating. I thought perhaps that would help me get into the spirit of Christmas. It really did not help. I now have a tree with some unwrapped gifts under it and a stocking hanging on the mantle that is filled. I still am holding out hope that maybe God will answer my prayer and my son will come home for Christmas. If not, I will place the gifts in his room and they will sit there until the day he decides to come home.

For many parents that are separated from their children because of parental alienation, their Christmas can also be a very difficult time. It is difficult being with other family members and watching their children. It brings back memories of the better times and it also reminds them of what they are missing. I know the solitude is difficult.

My wish for the New Year is that no other child will never be made to "hate" their parent, will never have to choose one parent over the other and will never feel sad because they cannot spend time with both parents. The laws can change and must change.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the ABUSE!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

No Child should have to experience this

WARNING: This video should tear at your heartstrings. It is rather long, but it tells a story, one that is not heard in the courts nor one that is not punished via the courts. Can we allow this continue? I urge you to watch this.

Children are in the crossfire in custody cases. Both parents should want to be part of their children's lives, but when one parent wants to punish the other parent, they use their children as pawns. Children get sick and both were able to care for the child before, but now only one parent is the so called "capable" parent. Children get grounded, but that should not mean they are grounded from parenting time with the other parent. Children should not be told that they will have a new and better daddy or mommy, they have them already. Children should not be told that they don't need the other parent anymore. Children should not be told they have to remember what they ate while at the other parent's home for fear that allegations will be made that were not fed. Alienating parents should not call their children several times a day while the other parent has parenting time, "just to check in". These tactics are used by alienating parents to coerce, brainwash and push their children into submission. These are cult like techniques. Alienating parent's hatred knows no bounds. The most severe will reuslt in allegations of domestic abuse, physical and sexual abuse of a child.

Although this video was made by a father, realize this video could have been made by a mother as well. Parental alienation knows no boundaries, it does not discriminate based on gender, race, or socioeconomic class.

Thank you to the father that made this video. My heart goes out to you, whomever you are. Let this video be a testament that no other child should ever have to experience this abuse by the hands of the alienating parent.

Alienated children need a voice, one that is not heard in the courts. Please, I beg of you, if you know of a child being alienated from their parent, BE THAT VOICE!

Stop this abuse of children! Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Let them be Little

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand.
You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.
How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.

So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give 'em hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

I never felt so much in one little tender touch.
I live for those kisses, your prayers an' your wishes.
An' now you're teachin' me how only a child can see.
Tonight, while we're on our knees, all I ask is:

Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

The so innocent, precious soul:
You turn around, an' it's time to let them go.

So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give 'em praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let them sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

Let them be little.

Oh alienating parents why can't you let them be little? They grow up so fast. Let this child decide on their own if they want contact with the other parent without your interferences. Let them have their innocence!

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the Abuse!

Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?

My post today may likely ruffle some feathers. Since I have experienced both, I thought I would write my thoughts about it.

Domestic violence is about control. Parental alienation is about control. I do not think you will find a parent accused of parental alienation that does not have some control issues. I am not talking about the normal issues that come about in a marriage and a compromise is reached, but the attitude of "my way or the highway" attitude.

A spouse who uses domestic violence as a way to control, uses the "my way or the highway attitude." A parent who alienates a child against the other parent utilizes the same tactics. Although that parent may not tell the child "my way or the highway", their actions speak volumes.

In my case, my ex was a charming, loving and giving times. At other times, I thought I knew what I had to do and usually that was wrong. If I was not punished by words which included verbal berating and jokes at my expense, I was punished by what I called the "silent treatment". The silent treatment was the worse, because I could ask what was wrong and would get a glaring blank stare in return. This made me think about the past week or day. It was mind control. If these actions did not make me "act" the way he wished, I was physically punished. I constantly walked on eggshells, never knowing when, where or how I "caused" myself to be subject to his tirades. I lived in a world of trying to do right and attempting to learn from my so called past mistakes. What was right yesterday was not right today.

The thing about domestic violence is that one person controls the other through ways of mind control and physical control. They wear you down physically and emotionally. Domestic violence can also be more sinister in that lives are lost as well. I think one common theme is that the abuser in domestic violence is manipulative, cunning, and deceitful. They shift blame and twist facts, many times rather convincingly. This brings me back to my previous posts about a narcissist and a psychopath.

One may ask how I stayed or even married such a person. What one must realize about these narcissists is that they are masters at their game. If every person bolted from a relationship based on any small infraction, you may not find the person that you are very happily married to today. That is called compromise. Those relationships are based on give and take. I was lead to believe that I had the problem and I needed to change. If I can make one statement today I would like to say that you should never ridicule a person that was in this type of relationship. Men and women, both, can be victims of domestic violence.

So how does parental alienation fit into this? PA is an extension of the control by the abuser. You divorced me and I cannot control you anymore in our home, extends to I still can control you through our children.

There is nothing that can hurt a parent more than not being able to be part of our children's lives. Abusers know this and use this to their advantage. They will either twist parental alienation as an "excuse" for them not being able to see their children and have you accused of parental alienation, or they will employ the same tactics on the child as they used on you so you are not part of that child's life.

So are domestic violence and parental alienation related? I say they are as they are tactics used to control and hurt a person.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Does New Jersey understand Parental Alienation?

Finally! Finally it seems that at least one State recognizes a problem that has been occurring for decades and finally it seems that there could be some remedy through the judicial system.

Let me state this, there is no monetary award that could be given to target parents that will ever make up for the lost parenting time and destroyed relationship with their children.!

In cases of parental alienation the alienating parent uses the court to legally harass and abuse the target parent. They know the courts will do nothing. Every false claim made by the alienating parent results in cost to the target parent; financially, emotionally and physically. Target parents cannot seek relief for these actions. The alienating parent does not care and seems to have a bottomless wallet or purse. The alienating parent knows that custody will not be taken from them as well.

Parental Alienation is a major problem in child custody cases. One parent must not be allowed to purposely destroy the relationship of their child with the other parent. Parental alienation must be recognized and a tort must be allowed to provide relief.

In this article A NJ COURT DETERMINES THAT A CAUSE OF ACTION FOR PARENTAL ALIENATION EXISTS a Judge in Hudson County "recognized that parents in NJ may have a right to collect damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress when their relationships with their children are poisoned by former spouses or even grandparents who partake in alienating behaviors. "

Kudos to this Judge! I would like to see this adopted worldwide!

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa,
I know this letter will get to you a bit later than you you wish, but quite frankly I have not been in the Christmas spirit. I am not sure if you can bring me everything I would like, but I appreciate you trying.
I have not seen my son for some time and would really love to be able to see him during the Christmas holiday. Perhaps, you could pick him up when you deliver gifts there and bring him along in your sleigh. That sure would be nice and if you can accomplish this, you do not have to bring me anything else.
I would like some thick thermal or soft fleece shirts because I wear them to work. Other than that I don't need anything else. Well, I could use some money but I don't think the elves do that.
If you are able to pick up my son, would you drop off some books about parental alienation for his dad. I don't know if it would help, but maybe he does not realize what he is doing to our child. You can even order them on this site!
I hope all is well in the North Pole and that you have a safe trip.
Alienated Mom

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Attempting to get into the Christmas Spirit!

As I attempt to get into the Christmas Spirit, enjoy this video.

It is difficult when the holidays come around for target parents. For me, the holidays were a big time at my home, decorations, a tree, special holiday baking and treats. I loved the look, the madness of trying to make it special, but most of all I loved and cherished the look on my son's face. I loved the magic that Christmas meant to him and it was more than gifts, it was giving.

So don't feel sorry for me or other target parents, feel sorry for the children that are missing that special touch that was done for them by the parent that they cannot see this Christmas.

The lyrics to the song

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

A play about Parental Alienation

If you live in the New York City area then you should see this rock opera about a story all to familiar in many custody cases. It is a emotional tale about parental alienation. If you are a target parent or you know a target parent then you should see this. The sad fact is that another parent and child will become victims of parental alienation today. It will show on Fridays, starting December 12th 2008 at 10:30pm at 45 Bleecker St. New York City.

Here is the story line about this play from the website:

To see a performance, please check here

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Monday, December 08, 2008

48 hrs mystery story

Here is a story posted on the CBS 48 hours mystery series called "Secrets From The Grave" and was posted Aug. 19, 2006. Although I do not recall seeing the words parental alienation used in this story, it does not take long to hear those ringing bells and see the red flags suggesting so. A manipulative woman got a divorce from her husband without his knowledge and then accused him of abuse against their child. Sound familiar? Again a parent used the system and destroyed a family and the child is the one who suffers.

It is a story about a man named Bill Flint who met his wife Cassandra in 1988 and they married a few months later. They had one child, referred to as "Jane" in the story and she was the light of his life. Shortly after "Jane" was born, their marriage started to have problems and they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In 1993, Bill Flint learned that he was divorced. He found out when the sheriff showed up at his door to escort him off the property. It seems that his wife pursued a divorce without anyone knowing it and was able to obtain it as well. Since he was not present at his own divorce hearing, the one that he had no knowledge of, he ended up paying dearly. He would find that he was accused by his ex wife of molesting his daughter and the judge believed her, which lead to supervised visits with his daughter. When he was found not guilty of the abuse charges he decided he would fight for custody of his daughter. This would eventually cost him his life.

What causes a parent to hate and despise their spouse so much that they would deprive their own child a parent that helped bring the child into the world? This is not normal behavior and sadly these stories play over and over again.

When a parent denies their child access to the other parent and tells their child that the other parent is bad and they hate the other parent, they are sending the message to the child that they hate half of their child.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Hope...something to believe in

I have been asked if I have "hope" that my child will eventually return to me and my answer is always yes. I have to believe that. In this quest to post this, I came across this video by the band Poison titled "Something to Believe In" The lyrics are somewhat controversial, but what I heard was "give me something to believe in."

Hope is connected to staying inspired and that is what target parents have to do. We have to stay inspired to continue contact even though it is not returned. We have to send letters and gifts, make phone calls and send the emails even though they may be intercepted, destroyed or given to our child without the child knowing they came from us.

From what I have read approximately 95 percent of alienated children do reconcile. When, I can not answer, but this also happened because the target parent refused to go away. Keep the hope, faith and inspiration that there could be a reconciliation. Until then find something to believe in. ...HOPE

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

The Anna Mae He Custody Case....Was there Parental Alienation?

The custody case of AMH made national headlines and if you have not heard about it, all I can suggest is to go ahead and google it. You will find several articles written about it. Some support the He's, Anna Mae's natural or birth parents and others support the Baker's, the foster parents. Whatever your opinion is about this case, it was a case fraught with accusations, tensions and a very lengthy legal battle over who should be allowed to care for Anna Mae.

I do not know either family and have no personal experience with either of them. All I "know" is what was written in the media, which I think slants articles and persuades the public right or wrong when needed. The case was presented as the He's, a Chinese family attempting to make their way in America, had a baby girl who was premature. Jack He, the father, was fighting his own legal battles and they needed help. According to written articles they placed Anna in foster care until they could get on their feet financially. This was to be temporary and later I read until Anna reached the age of 18. This sounded odd to me, but I also had to remember that there is a language barrier as well. I wish not to argue whether the He's could speak and write in English or understand, but what concerns me is the legalese that is used. I speak English and was brought up in the US and for the life of me, I can not always understand the legal wording of documents.

As I would read the stories presented in the media, I did not feel inclined either way towards which family would be best for Anna. The media painted a picture though. The Bakers were wealthier than the He's and could provide more for Anna. That does not make them better parents. From one news media article they print: "The Bakers live in a five-bedroom, 4,800-square-foot home in the Davies Plantation area east of town. Their $414,000 house sits on more than an acre of rolling Tennessee hills. There are colorful play sets in the well-groomed backyard. Inside there is a media room with surround sound and a 53-inch TV, a Jacuzzi and a central vacuum system." I think, "who cares?" Obviously the media and the courts care. In the same article this is printed: "The Bakers began caring for Anna Mae on Feb. 23, 1999, and the Hes say they visited their daughter at least once a week. When the three months ended, they still were not able to care for Anna Mae. Mid-South Christian Services could no longer handle their case because the agency's supervision is limited to 90 days in temporary custody cases. So the two couples negotiated the next step on their own." And this: "Over the next year, the Hes say they continued to visit Anna Mae and told the Bakers they wanted her back. They say Jerry Baker asked that the arrangements stay in place until his then-pregnant wife gave birth to her own child." and this: "But the Bakers say in court documents that the Hes abandoned Anna Mae by not visiting enough and failing to pay child support. For the past year, the Bakers have refused the Hes' official requests to give Anna Mae back. Last month, the Bakers insisted, through Parrish, that Mister He take a DNA test to prove that he was Anna Mae's father. The test proved that he is."

In another news media article this was written: "But things only got worse for the struggling couple. In April 1999, a month before their custody was to end, He was arrested in the sexual assault case. The Bakers agreed to continue caring for Anna Mae—but only if they were named the child's guardians, which would give them full parental rights. The Hes agreed, they say, but without realizing the agreement could only be reversed by court order. "If we had known that by signing custody to the Bakers we would end up in court, facing termination of parental rights, we never would have signed it," says Jack, who now works at a Chinese restaurant. The Hes visited Anna Mae some 80 times before tensions flared. "The more Jack and Casey wanted to visit their daughter," says one of their pro bono attorneys, David Siegel, "the greater resistance they received from the Bakers." (As evidence, Siegel points to a journal that Louise kept.) In April 2000 and April 2001 the Hes petitioned to regain custody of Anna Mae but were turned down because of their unresolved legal problems. Then, on Jan.28, 2001, Anna Mae's second birthday, the Bakers denied the Hes' request to take their daughter for a family portrait, saying she was ill. The Hes refused to leave without her, prompting the Bakers to call the police. Intimidated, the Hes, who say they feared they would be arrested, didn't try to visit for a period of four months—which may constitute legal abandonment in Tennessee—and the Bakers went to court seeking to terminate the Hes' parental rights and formally adopt Anna Mae. Once, while shopping last December, the Hes happened to spot Anna Mae, who was with two of the Bakers' daughters, Hope and Aimee. According to Hope, 18, Casey put her hands on Anna Mae and screamed, "That's my baby!" Such incidents fuel the Bakers' contention that the Hes are emotionally unstable."

As I stated before, I do not know either family, have never met them and know nothing about the case, except for what was written in the media and from reading some court documents. I do have some concerns though. At first I was slanted towards the Baker's as they obviously could provide a better home and environment for Anna Mae. By all media accounts she seemed to be doing well with the Baker's as well. The He's were painted very poorly as well, as Jack He had some accusations against him and seemed to have some financial difficulties and the perception that the Chinese only want male children. I believe this was carefully depicted by the media slant on the story.

A few things I found from reading court documents was that Louise Baker was born in 1961. This should make her 47 years old. In 1989 she underwent a tubal ligation after the birth of their third child. If my math is correct, this should make this child 19 years old. In 1998, (this would make Mrs. Baker 37 yrs old) the Baker's decided they wanted another child and Mrs. Baker underwent a reversal of her tubal ligation. The Bakers considered adopting a child, but they wanted to try to have a child of their own first. The Bakers previously submitted a “Foster Home Application” to Mid-South in 1997. In response to the question “Why are you interested in providing a foster home?” on the application, the Bakers responded by stating, in relevant part, that they “were first interested in adoption of a newborn, but thought we would try foster care of newborns for a couple of years.”According to Mrs. Baker, they were considering adoption, and serving as foster parents allowed them to decide if adoption was something they wanted to pursue. After submitting their application, the Bakers began serving as foster parents for Mid-South. I also believe that the Baker's did have another child as well, because news reports state that they had a daughter born the year after they took in Anna Mae.

What concerns me and bothers me about this case is that from media reports this case did not present like a foster family wanting to adopt a child, but a custody case when the issue of custody was not a point. Mrs. Baker kept a notebook detailing visits, dates, time, length of stay and gifts brought for Anna Mae. In one article this was stated: "The Hes continued to visit Anna Mae regularly for about an hour a week. Louise Baker began to keep a diary in which she documented the Hes' visits to Anna Mae, writing down when the visits were, how long they lasted, how the Hes interacted with Anna Mae, and what gifts they gave her. In October 1999, friction began when the Hes wanted to take Anna Mae out of the Bakers' home and the Bakers refused. Louise Baker wrote "We would like to get visits to every other week. We feel like they would wean away, but the last 2 visits we could see Casey is wanting to come more." In November 1999, Jack He told Jerry Baker they wanted to regain custody of Anna Mae. Jerry replied that they did not want to give up Anna Mae and that Louise was pregnant and he didn't want her to miscarry. The Hes contacted the juvenile court officer several times during these months complaining about problems with visitation and talking about wanting to get custody back." My questions are do the agencies that you are are foster parent with require or suggest that you keep a notebook of visits with such detail? Was there an underlying motive in the keeping of the notebook? If there is no requirement or suggestion, then I must presume that there was an underlying motive.

From all accounts that I have read, the Baker's were foster parents without the promise or hope that they could adopt Anna Mae. I believe they used the legal system and the He's inability to completely understand the English and legal language and their fear that they would be arrested if they sought to visit Anna Mae as a way to legally terminate the He's parental rights. These manipulative actions are the same actions that alienating parents use against target parents.

Other news reports stated that Anna Mae did not want to learn the Chinese language and that she thought she was Mexican. I immediately thought that the Baker's were denying Anna Mae her heritage. This immediately sent up a red flag for me. Had the Baker's adopted a child internationally that was not of their race, what would they have told this child? A white American couple adopting a child that is not of their white race they can not easily deny or lie to a child that they were not adopted. How were they going to explain to her when she got older? Unless the truth was told, the lie would eventually come out. I think children that are adopted will eventually seek their heritage, sometimes just for answers or who they look like. This provides closure.

I think the Baker's were a family that wanted another child and they went though several avenues to achieve this. A tubal ligation was reversed, adoption was an option and they fostered children. I applaud them for wanting to provide a home for a child. The He's were disadvantaged financially and more. Casey He wanted her daughter and I do not think she intended for Anna Mae to be adopted or if she did to lose contact with Anna Mae. She may have wanted more than she could provide and I think every parent wants that. There is a line that was crossed in this agreement and I think the Baker's exploited this line. I believe they used everything possible to gain custody of a child, that was not theirs to begin with. They used the best interest of the child against the He's, they did everything possible to forbid visitation and to encourage the He's to back off. They denied Anna Mae her heritage. Somehow this was to be better for Anna Mae.

In closing I would like to point out a few things. A larger home with all the current technologies and toys does not make a better home for a child. A better income to provide the best schools, and other material possessions does not make a better home for a child. Money does not buy love, but there are many that think they can. A family that relies on the help of others in the raising of their children, relies on the generosity of others and sacrifices to provide, does not make them bad parents.

I would like to know your views.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Wonderful Poem

Today like every other day, I was checking my stats to see how and why people land to my blog. Some days I find interesting keywords or I notice a trend of keywords and then that gives me ideas about a new subject. I also check to see what other external links that are clicked that I have posted on my blog. I put those there because I feel they can have some helpful information. Well today I saw an exit link that I did not recognize, so I clicked it and took a look around and found this wonderful poem written by another mother. She had a "pass this to all your friends" link, so I sure hope that she does not mind that I used her poem as an entry today. I had written a poem for my son, but it fails in comparison to what she wrote. As a target parent, I understand the pain of not being able to see my son. I get frustrated that the system fails and does not protect the bonds between parents and their children. I get angry that everything I do for my son is criticized by his father and used to further alienate my son.

So please check out this poem and take a look around her page. She has some great poetry and her son has the cutest smile.

The poem:

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Just another day

Hello to all that read my blog. I just wanted to say thank you for following and for you comments and emails.

Today I am having a self pity party. I miss being able to talk to my son, I miss hearing his voice, I miss seeing his face. I wonder what he is doing and how he is doing. I am also angry because I cannot have answers to what I assume should be easy answers. How is school going? What has been going on? How is your girlfriend? Can I get a copy of your school picture? What do you want for Christmas? As I stepped outside a while ago, the wind was blowing and the air feels as we will have a storm coming in. It is warm and there is a cool breeze...OK not actually real warm, but warmer than it has been lately. I could hear leaves rustling in the wind and heard the ringing from the wind chimes. It was rather peaceful. Then I noticed my neighbor's house across the street as they were putting up Christmas lights outside. It looked so pretty and festive. Then I thought to myself, why bother, my son will not be here to enjoy it.

I started this blog because I wanted to tell my story about parental alienation, I wanted to state to the world all the dirty details of my case. Of course, that will not change anything and if you are a target parent, my story most likely sounds like yours or vice-versa as well as any other detailed story about parental alienation. I also wanted to write so I would not reveal anything that would identify myself, my son or my ex until a later date. This simple aspect made my writings a challenge and somewhat creative as I attempted to protect the identities. As time went on, I realized that it was cathartic for me to write.

I always had one goal in mind and that is to be a voice for those that cannot speak or will not speak out against parental alienation. I know that my story is one voice among the thousands of other parents that experience parental alienation. I never want another parent to have to experience parental alienation, nor do I want a child to be deprived of the love by both parents. Someday parental alienation will be recognized for what it is and that is abuse. Those that knowingly make false accusations of abuse will be prosecuted by tougher laws and will not be able to be shielded from prosecution based on the good faith aspect. Someday this cycle of abuse will stop.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Personality disorders in young Americans

I came across this story today on posted by Lindsey Tanner, Associated Press 02 December 2008 08:28 am ET that "Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.
The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment."

I read this and thought OMG...FINALLY someone has presented some form of documentation that young adults are affected by something perhaps in their childhood that triggers problems that will show in their adult life. I looked for the word "parental alienation" and did not find it, but it does not take some scientist, psychologist or researcher to tell a target parent that their child will most likely face some problems in their adult life due to the actions by the alienating parent. I read this: "For many, young adulthood is characterized by the pursuit of greater educational opportunities and employment prospects, development of personal relationships, and for some, parenthood," the authors said. These circumstances, they said, can result in stress that triggers the start or recurrence of psychiatric problems. "

Perhaps I missed something in this article that suggested experiences in their childhood could bring this on. So I will surmise that these disorders could be triggered from their expediences in childhood.

I think for most parents that have a child the scenario goes likes this; you enter the hospital to deliver your child and go home 1-3 days later depending upon the delivery method. You are given some information on how to care for a newborn, but most of your "knowledge and or experience" comes from personal experience and instinct. I think many draw upon their own childhood on how to raise a child. If you were brought up by the help of siblings because your parents both worked, this may be they way they were brought up. If other family members were a major influence on the upbringing, than this again may be from experience. If discipline that could border on abuse was an influence then this may be a way the parents raise their child. I think that we do as we know and that is how the cycle of abuse and or disorders keep repeating. I do believe that the cycle of abuse can be broken.

As I attempt to understand my own personal situation, I can now realize there were several red flags that I ignored. I did not understand when I was younger that the way a child treats a parent means something significant. My ex's father was very demeaning to his wife and his children disrespected her as well. It was put in such a way that it was done jokingly at her expense and she also laughed at these so called jokes. I would also find her at times crying in the basement. She would always apologize for being " so sensitive". I was not mature enough to realize that this was emotional abuse. I would become angry for her, but then his father would be very loving and all seemed well. Again, I would not realize that this a cycle of abuse by a domestic abuser. I never saw physical abuse, so therefore, I did not realize that the controlling behaviors and emotional distress was abuse. Later, I would realize that this behavior repeated itself and I was the one who was the brunt of jokes and I would be demeaned. I also learned to accept that I as being "too sensitive".

Children or young teens that see this behavior learn to accept this as normal and can repeat it because they learn through actions that this is normal. It is not normal. So yes, parenthood can trigger the stresses that are indicative of a personality disorder. They go home with the "knowledge and experience" from their own childhood and repeat the cycle of abuse.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Actions speak louder than words

I attempt to post entries that are relevant to parental alienation, based on my own experiences and from the stories I hear from other parents. Many times I will come up with a new post based on what my recent keyword analysis has been that has lead one to my blog. I then attempt to gather my thoughts and write. I have had several keywords show up concerning personality disorders and how they ruin holidays, emotional abuse and false allegations of abuse.

I strongly believe that the alienating parent does suffer from a personality disorder, which I have written about in previous posts. I also believe that other target parents believe this as well. Proving this theory may be next to impossible though. I believe that people with the personality disorders, such as narcissism, are intelligent enough to take these mental exams and answer according to the normal society standards. I remember that both my ex spouse and I had to take this exam and he later told me what he wanted to answer for some of the questions but he didn't. Then he laughed in my face.

Some of the actions by the alienating parent are conscious and spoken to the child in their campaign to degrade the target parent. Other actions are subconscious and these unspoken actions have lasting effects. Actions speak louder than words.

Some things that come to mind that perhaps a reader could relate to are: you work with a team member that says they are for teamwork, but takes the credit for your work; a friend that says they will be there for you when needed but when you call they are busy and 'forget" to call you back; a sales person tells you what you need to hear to get the sale, but when you need customer service they claim they never said those things.

Alienating parents not only use degrading words to discredit the target parent, but they also use actions and those actions do speak louder than words. The alienating parent then also has an excuse to say they never said anything, which they didn't, but their actions spoke volumes.

The alienating parent may tell the child that their other parent does not care for them like they do. Repeating those words will not have the effect that the actions will have. The alienating parent will call the child to check up on them, not once, but several times a day. If the child is having fun with the target parent and does not answer their call, the alienating parent becomes frantic and will let the child know that they were so worried about them and not to let them worry like that again. The alienating parent may leave messages as well during the day and night to the child letting them know that they are thinking of them, they miss them and to contact them with any needs or concerns. The alienating parent will also tell them that the child can call them at any time and they will come and get them if needed. This constant phone contact keeps the child on edge and can even work in favor of the alienating parent. The child may want to call the alienating parent to tell them some great news and when the alienating parent does not answer, the child can become frantic that something terrible has happened. This is an example from my own personal experience. My son wanted to call his dad about something he did and his father did not answer the phone. Repeated calls went unanswered and my son freaked out. He started calling others that have contact with his dad asking where he was. When his dad finally answered he told him he left his cellphone in the car when he got out and was only gone a few minutes and he was sorry he missed his call. This action cemented into my son's mind that he needed to also protect his dad.

The alienating parent may verbally claim that the other parent does not feed the child. These claims can be made to child protective services as well. CPS can come and make their investigation and find that this allegation is false. The alienating parent will tell the child that the agency did not properly do their job. Their next move may be that when the child visits they bring groceries to the target parents home so the child has food to eat. There is no need for the extra food, but this is done by the alienating parent to cement the need by the child for the alienating parent. Again, these actions speak louder than words.

The alienating parent may make allegations that the target parent does not care for the child medically. They may take the child to medical professionals seeking assistance for a feigned problem that the accusation was the direct cause from the lack of care by the target parent. Of course there is no medical problem for the child, but the alienating parent is looking for a person that has the legal responsibility to make allegations of abuse against the target parent. When these actions do not result in the desired outcome, the alienating parent will tell others that these medical professionals were not doing their job.

When the target parent protests these invasions they are often told they are over reacting. Phone contact should be allowed and why are you trying to deny it? You are being ungrateful for the food brought to your home and this was done for you child. Are you denying the extra food for your child? You should be thankful that a medical problem was being addressed, are you denying medical care? This is how the alienating parents operates. The attorneys and judges look at the objections by the target parent to these intrusions and explanations that are part of the campaign of parental alienation and tell the target parent to lighten up.

Those in authority,that can put a stop to parental alienation, must realize that it is a collection of words and behaviors, conscious and subconscious, by the alienating parent and that the target parent is only trying to maintain a relationship with their children. Until then nothing will change.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving, why?

As we enter the holiday season of Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year, this can be a very difficult time for parents who are separated from their children because of parental alienation. They may have a court order that states they have holiday visitation, but they may not get to spend time with their children because the alienating parent interferes once again. It is difficult enough that target parents have weekend visitations taken away or interfered with, but the holiday interference really puts the icing on the cake so to speak. Holidays are stressful enough without the added aggravation. Perhaps it is the notion that we spend hours making the perfect dinner and everyone gathers around a table to eat and we share special moments isn't all that it is cracked up to be.

The three main triggers for depression and stress during the holidays are finances, physical demands and relationships. As a mother, I want to have the so called perfect holidays be it with the meal, decorations or the gift giving. With the state of the economy right now, this places demands and stresses to do what I can with less. These demands, although stressful, I can handle. I get excited being to save and being creative. Some of the demands are self induced be it doing more than one can afford, not knowing when to say no or trying to buy expensive needless gifts. I have always thought that the holidays are about family and about gifts from the heart. So this brings me to relationships.

The holidays can be a painful reminder of the death of a loved one who has passed during the holiday season. They can also be painful that you may be alone or if a target parent, that you are unable to spend the holiday time with your children. If a loved one has recently died or you aren't able to be with your loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness or grief. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

So as we enter the holiday season, I ask Happy Thanksgiving, why? I do not get to spend time with my son. I cannot even hear his voice. As usual, my phone calls go answered, messages that are left are ignored. In this age of technology, the emails and text messages left are also ignored. So I can be depressed or I can think of what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I have a job. I am thankful that I am not homeless and that I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in and clean clothes to wear. I am thankful that I can prepare a meal today and have the ability to share. I am thankful that I do not have to worry when my next meal will be. I am thankful to have friends that are supportive, even when I have been very difficult. I am thankful that I am not in a hospital right now because of some illness. I am thankful that my son is healthy and alive. I am thankful that I have the freedom to express my feelings and thoughts and the capacity to do so.

So in closing for today, realize that target parents may very well be somewhat down today and for the next several weeks. It is a difficult time for them.

I pray that one day not another parent will ever have to experience the pain and heartbreak of parental alienation.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Could there be a correlation?

I strongly believe that allowing a child to continue to grow up in an environment that encourages parental alienation, that there has to be side effects that affect the child's emotional development. They are most likely going to believe that this behavior is acceptable and will continue these behaviors in their own relationships, thus becoming the alienator themselves. They are likely to become ridden with guilt, once they gain some maturity. I do not believe these children will have the capability to ever have a "normal" relationship with others. They may believe that one can lie and be deceitful to gain what they want. They are also likely to reject authoritative figures and have the attitude that they are "above the law" and do not have to follow rules or laws. I pretty much believe that these behaviors are a given considering the behaviors that they have experienced while growing up and developing emotionally.

A child's behavior is influenced not only by what goes on in the environment in which they live, but also by what they observe in adults. Their behaviors are learned through association, imitation, observation, pressure, needs, wants, influence and desires.

This brings me to what I want to talk about today. Could there be a correlation between crime committed by minors under the age of 18 and parental alienation? There are documented research cases that indicate that children from single parent homes are more likely to be involved in criminal activity. I found this quote, "According to one study, children raised in single-parent families are one-third more likely to exhibit anti-social behavior". I can find documentation that children raised without fathers also have a higher criminal activity as well. I found these quotes; "Nearly 70 percent of juveniles in state reform institutions come from fatherless homes, as do 43 percent of prison inmates". " Research indicates a direct correlation between crime rates and the number of single-parent families in a neighborhood".

It does not matter if these children were raised without a father or a mother, these children did not obviously have the interaction of the other parent. I have to wonder why. Parents walk away from their children and we tend to hear that it is the father that does this. So is he the dead beat dad? Why? What circumstances lead up to his leaving? I do believe that some parents, both mothers and fathers, fit the typical media description of a dead beat parent, but I think many parents want the involvement and can not possibly jump through the hoops that the custodial parent and the courts demand. For example, I know of one father that worked the night shift. He was only allowed to see his child during the week and during specific daylight hours. His job had mandatory overtime and he worked a Monday through Friday shift. He was not allowed to see his child during the weekend. So he was to work, sleep, and see his child when the courts said so and if overtime, which was mandatory, interfered with his visitation, he could not see his child on a weekend when he did not work. I know of a mother who worked a night shift as well, but was told by the courts that she could not work this shift more than two nights per week or she could not have access to her children. So are they deadbeat parents or parents that cannot possibly conform to the ridiculous rules set upon them? Let me also state that before someone wants to state that the parent should have adjusted their work schedule or found a new job. Child support is based upon the income that this parent was making. Your spouse worked this job and you enjoyed this income prior to the divorce and expect the same level of lifestyle. You made arrangements, when married, based on your spouses work schedule for child care, so you could have this level of lifestyle, but now that you are divorced, you expect your spouse to continue this income without any compromises. This could be one major reason that a parent so called walks away. They don't want to, but they cannot do what is demanded.

So how does parental alienation fit into this scenario? The constraints set forth by a vindictive spouse allows them to make statements such as " we do not have the money because your dad or mom......" "Your father or mother changed jobs and makes less now, but we don't have the money for....." " I am sorry you did not get to spend time with your dad or mom this time, their works means more to them than you"

In parental alienation cases, there is a pattern of abuse; false allegations, refusal of parenting time, lies and deceit. The child learns that deceit gains the parent something, even if for a short period of time. They also learn that this misrepresentation goes unpunished. False allegations of abuse in divorce is an epidemic. Children are becoming the heirs to hatred passed down to them from their parents. This is all that they know, and they in turn foster this pain, hatred and deceptiveness in their own adult relationships.

Have you listened to the news? Have you listened to the description of the crimes committed? Have you listened to the ages of the suspects? Where do these children get these ideas to commit these crimes? Could it be that they see a parent, that does not set an example, that if you do not follow the rules and laws that the punishment is nothing more than a slap on the wrist?

If anyone thinks that parental alienation is nothing more than hogwash and that these children will not suffer some consequences, then all I have to say is to take off your blindfolds and open your ears.

This presidential election campaign was about change. We can either change the laws regarding custody issues or we can see a change in the amount of dysfunctional families, which will increase the crime. Now it is up to you, to help change the laws about custody. Do not empower a child, that has no idea of what they are doing and punish these parents that make these false allegations of abuse and damage their children by their alienating behaviors.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Understanding the Obsessive Alienator part 1

As a target parent myself, I am constantly trying to understand the dynamics of what makes the obsessed alienator tick. My simple answer is that my ex is a jerk who wants revenge for some perceived wrong that I did to him. That really does not explain why either. As for other parents who read this blog, they want to know why their alienating spouse or ex spouse is participating in these behaviors as well. For those that read this blog who have never experienced parental alienation, they may be wanting to understand as well. To preface this, I must say that I do not think that most can comprehend why the obsessed alienator behaves the way they do and that the obsessed alienator cannot give definitive reasoning with solid and undisputed facts to support their actions.

I believe that the obsessed alienator has characteristics of either a personality disorder or some emotional disorder. I believe that the obsessed alienator tends to either fall within the clinical descriptions for narcissism, sociopath or psychopath or may even possess characteristics of each of these disorders.

Obsessed alienators will use an array of tactics to "win". These tactics could be, but are not limited to; excessive litigation, alienating the child against the target parent, employing others in malicious actions against their ex spouse, lying, deception, false allegations of abuse and interference with visitation with the target parent. Theses actions could be repeated reports to child services for abuse. They will enlist the help of others to make these reports as well. They may go as far as taking the child to medical professionals, that have never had seen the child, and make accusations of abuse. They may contact teachers and remind them that they have a duty to report abuse and may even appear aggressive in their suggestions. Seeking the aid of other medical professionals and teachers can be done in the process of the initial alienation or after the alienating parent has exhausted their means through their own reports and reports made by the concerned friends and family that support the alienating parent. Lies could include allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, allegations of abuse against the child and mental instability alleged against the target parent to authorities. These allegations could also be made against a supportive partner of the target parent. With each allegation, there is some form of expense involved for the target parent. These can include court appearances and attorney fees. The obsessed alienator will impede visitation and use a number of tactics to prevent contact and will be persistent in their efforts. These can include phone calls not being answered or messages returned, disconnected phone numbers, email interference, postal mail not being delivered, refusal to cooperate in letting the other parent know about school functions, refusal to allow the other parent to have copies of school pictures and much more.

I believe that these tactics are used in a quest by the alienating parent to strip the target parent of their parental rights. They are not content with just winning custody, but want the other parent completely eliminated from the child's life. This is more than just denying the child or children access to the other parent, this is done to eliminate the other parent. It is done to make them non existent.

Today I will focus on the narcissist personality. I could write several pages describing this, but I will assume that you, as a reader, has suspicions or some knowledge of the narcissistic personality.

Narcissists will and do contradict everything they say, but will do it in such a way, that you will question your own sanity. They will contradict things that you know as fact, things you have experienced together and even contradict their explanations. You cannot reason with a narcissist and I would not suggest trying. You have to keep precise notes and if at all possible, have another person with you on any contact that you will have that can serve as a witness to what was said. You will not win a he said, she said argument with a narcissus. Narcissists do not feel empathy and will feign sympathy to gain your "trust". The more one opens up to a narcissist, the more the narcissist has as tools against you.

Narcissists are competitive and envious. They believe they deserve more and could do whatever project better. In my experience of living with a narcissistic I found that I was told how to dress, behave and how to have my home present as the narcissist is always trying to live up to some perceived idea of success. The phrase that comes to mind is "keeping up with the Joneses". We had to fit this idealistic perception that we were of some social class, some upper class society. This is where one can alienate a narcissist by questioning them. The narcissistic can appear and even talk in social circles that are out of their league, but further questioning will bring the truth. A narcissus does not want to be found that their projection is a lie. Of course doing this brings the wrath that only a narcissistic person can deliver.

Narcissists are critical of personal criticism, but are very critical of others. One thing that comes to mind is the hurricanes that hit, especially Katrina. My ex's attitude was that these people that lived so close to the coast knew of the dangers and it is their fault. If you have criticized a narcissus, then you are well aware of the wrath you will receive. Criticism also puts them at a disadvantage and you can use this to your advantage. You just have to listen very well and keep very detailed notes and or recordings.

Narcissists are sarcastic and attempt to use sarcasm as their joking mechanism. Comments I have heard my ex say to his mother, myself and in the background when talking to my son were: The cookies are burnt on the bottom, must be they are done, Oh look she burnt dinner again, Dinner is not done till the roast is burnt and much more. This is their idea of humor and it is always at the expense of another.

Narcissists feel they are entitled to things. Be it a better job, house and possessions. To gain these material attributes they will lie and steal to achieve this perception. Do not expect a narcissist to be overindulgent with you after they have captured the prey though. Perception to others that they are better and have more is important to them. I could further elaborate on my personal experiences, but will refrain at this moment. Suffice it as my ex has records of theft, embezzlement and forgery, all of which are public record.

Narcissists are manipulative, cunning, deceitful, controlling, charming and persistent. If they feel they can win you over and gain something or take something from you, they will stop at nothing to reach their goal.

Although this may not help you understand many things, remember that once you were dazzled by your ex's behavior, demeanor and bullshit. They captured your attention and love and you gave your all to them. They did not return the level of love that you gave them and they are doing the same to your child. Only when you realized the lies and deceptions could you separate yourself and it took time to realize this. Your child will too one day realize this as well. When? I cannot answer that. You have to have faith that your child or children will eventually get tired of being held hostage in mind, soul and body, just like you did.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

False Allegations of abuse

As usual, I am researching parental alienation and found some more information. I came across this site today:

This is a story told by a friend of the tribulations that many target parents experience and that is false allegations. The author writes "This is a true story describing what a friend of mine is presently going through. I never thought I would be writing about the realities of false allegations from such a personal perspective. However, this experience has shown me the extent of the damage done to those falsely accused." The author goes on to write some conversation between him and his friend, Josh, who is going through a divorce. "Didn’t anybody stop to think how an angry, vindictive person can use these laws to ruin another person’s life? What the hell kinda of democracy do we live in”

This really hit home with me. I was falsely accused of child abuse. I was notified at first by a message left on my answering service that my son had been taken into "protective custody". My first thought was " Oh my God, what has happened?" Never did the thought that my ex would abuse our child enter my mind. Granted my ex is no saint and is abusive, but never did I think he would hurt our child. He was abusive to his wives, which by now he has several ex wives, all whom have reports of domestic violence against them by his hands. He has children from another marriage and from our union as well, and he always "appeared" to love his children. Therefore, I had other unimaginable thoughts racing through my mind as to what could have happened that would warrant such a message left for me.

Little did I know, that I entered a world of false allegations and nothing can be done to those that make these allegations.

I would spend the week after I received this message in a state of confusion and desperation. Sleeping, eating and my well being took a back seat. Pretty much the next five or more days were a blur to me. I talked to anyone that would listen at anytime of the day or night. I could not eat, I could not sleep. By day five, my body had enough. Without sleep and proper nutrition, I was experiencing heart palpitations and mental breakdown. I could either continue on this self destruction or gather the strength to fight with all I had. I chose to fight and to do that, I had to pull myself together.

I remember after the accusations against me, gathering my own evidence and being interrogated by these so called professionals doing the investigation. I would learn from their comments on visits to my home, some of the other allegations made against me. The investigator came in and sat down and immediately stated " house is clean". I wondered, "what does that mean?" I realized an allegation had been made that my house was not clean. This was another accusation in an attempt to strip me of my parental rights. The investigator had to take pictures of my refrigerator and pantry, because an allegation was made that I do not have food in my house and I do not feed my son. When the investigator took the pictures he made the comment that "drug dealers do not have food in their homes." Again, I would realize that this was another allegation against me.

For as preposterous as this and the other blog sounds about false allegations, I must say these false allegations exist and are investigated. There is no accountability against those that make these false allegations. They are protected because they made them in good faith. When these investigators come in and do their assessment and find that the allegations have no merit, I feel they should return to the complainant and file charges. That will never happen and this cycle of abuse will continue.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!

My response to two comments:

I made this post: on November 14, 2008 and have received two comments and I thought I would expand upon what the two commentators said.

I attempt to end each entry with this statement: "Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse! " I do this because parental alienation is ABUSE and I feel that it is the most atrocious acts of abuse that a parent can do their child. To encourage a child to have hatred, disgust and anger towards the other parent is despicable. When a parent encourages a child to have these feelings, when there is no evidence of abuse and the allegations can not be substantiated, then the so called adults of the ruling system need to act.

Attorney's that represent these clients that make these claims and encourage others to make these claims, need to remove themselves as the representing party and make notations to the next attorney. They need to state the reasons why they so the next attorney that the alienator will attempt to hire will have a so called heads up. This of course will violate some attorney client confidentiality clause, so this is a mute point. The judges that hear the arguments from both attorneys need to realize that false allegations of abuse happen more often than not in highly contested cases. I feel that these judges may actually realize this, but are unwilling to make a statement that will send a very distinct message to these alienators. Judges need to stop relying on the impossible that two alleged adults can find a common ground (the child) and do what is best for the child. The target parent wants the best for the child and will compromise even more than what they would like to do. The alienator has one goal in mind and that is to ruin the target parent. They do not care about the best interests of the child.

Judges need to enforce visitation rights for the target parent and to enforce punishment against the alienating parent. This "do not do this act again" and " do not be in my courtroom for this again" , only buys the alienating parent time to continue their harassment of the child, target parent and the judicial system. Judges do not need to feel that they will cause more problems by forcing a child, who may be of that age where their opinion can be heard. Children need both parents. If the judge feels that he is sparing the target parent from more harassment by the alienating parent, and possible emotional ups and downs by a target parent attempting to reestablish the relationship, the judges need to realize that being away from our children hurts more than what we will have to deal with. Give the target parents support through the judicial system, that is all we ask. Do not place weight on what the child claims he does not want to spend time with his mother or father. Barring any abuse, do you think a child can willingly verbalize their true wishes? If this is the case, then let these children tell you they do want to go to school this week because they have a test they do not want to take. Let them tell you they do not want to attend church because they have to get up too early. Let them tell you they do not want to study because their favorite shows are on TV, or they have other plans. If a child came into a judges chambers with these requests the judge would promptly show them the door and tell them to listen to their parents. But for some reason these same judges listen when a child says they do not want to have contact with a parent. If there is no abuse and the evidence supports that one parent is attempting to limit contact with the other parent, or to even stop contact then these same judges need to check their testicles.

Target parents are not coming to court alleging abuse against the alienating parent. They are coming to court to fight for what is rightfully theirs and that is contact with their children. Quit postponing court dates, quit letting a minor dictate your rulings. quit giving the alienating parents a chance to redeem themselves. Stand up for what is right! Grab your testicles and rule against the alienating parent and enforce visitation for the target parent and impose punishment for violation of your ruling.

Unless someone takes a stand, this will continue. People will need counseling and people will still need attorneys and judges, but why make innocent children grow up this way?

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Parental Alienation

I constantly look for articles about parental alienation. For one, it helps me understand that this DOES exist, even though the courts seem to do nothing about it. Today I came across an article and will include a portion of it.

"In summary, does alienation of one parent by another parent happen? Absolutely! It
typically occurs in situations in which the emotional dysfunction is very high, a personality
disorder may be present, there is an escalating situation involving hatred and anger between
the parents, and the children are the ones who are negatively impacted to the greatest degree.
Despite all of the research that is now available demonstrating that children need access to
both their mother and their father, some parents conclude that a child does not need the other
parent. Is this abuse? In my opinion, yes! Is it an example of family violence? To some
extent, yes! Does the situation tend to be tolerated or ignored by the legal process until it
becomes very severe and almost impossible to reverse?
In my experience, that typically
happens all too often. It is becoming increasingly obvious to anyone who practices within the
area of family law that the direction we need to take is to reduce conflict, keep matters out of
the Court if at all possible, facilitate ongoing relationships between children and both of their
parents, and develop better ways of dispute resolution than by always ending up in front of a
Judge. If we are not successful in this quest, we are going to see increasing numbers of
children who are negatively impacted by an ongoing acrimonious relationship between their

Dr. Larry Waterman is a psychologist practicing in Nanaimo who has provided assessment reports to the Court for twenty-six years.

It seems that every article that I read, I see reference to some sort of personality disorder concerning the alienating parent. There also seems to be reference to a need for control by the alienating parent as well.

What really struck me in the above referenced article was where Dr. Waterman states " some parents conclude that a child does not need the other parent." My ex stated that our son "does not need his mother" to several people. These type of statements should immediately send off ringing bells, waving flags and flashing lights in the minds of anyone that hears these types of statements. This should be an immediate warning sign that something is amiss. When I objected to my ex's statement, he was eloquent in his response. His reasoning and manner of speaking was intentional and done in such a way, that I was portrayed as overprotective. I was overprotective of our son, but for reasons that I have not revealed yet. Those reasons were not to prevent contact or visitation with his father though. This is how obsessive alienating parents operate. Their method and behaviors are manipulative, cunning and deceitful. They will take a statement and turn it inside out and construe it into something completely different.

Target parents will tell you that grass is green and the sky is blue. Obsessive alienating parents will argue that grass is blue and the sky is green and will have you believing that is true. One cannot effectively give reasonable explanations to an obsessive alienating parent and expect to succeed in their discussion. Obsessive alienating parents are in a class all their own.

The sad part is that the children are the ones that are true victims in this. They have lost the parent that has the best interests at heart and have gained manipulation and lies as qualities to live by.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Best interests of the child

The courts are supposed to use the best interests of the child when determining custody issues. Unfortunately I do not believe that the courts actually follow this doctrine when an alienating parent is determined to obtain custody. I think the courts fail miserably to ascertain each and every aspect of what each suggested factor encompasses. I believe too much weight is given to the child's preference without further investigation as to why the child feels so determined to change primary residence.

I found this historical synopsis today.
Until the early 1900s, fathers were given custody of the children in case of divorce. Many U.S. states then shifted from this standard to one that completely favored the mother as the primary caregiver. In the 1970s, the tender years doctrine was replaced by the best interests of the child as determined by family courts. Because many family courts continue to give great weight to the traditional role of the mother as the primary caregiver, application of this standard in custody has historically tended to favor the mother of the children.
The "best interests of the child" doctrine is sometimes used in cases where non-parents, such as grandparents, ask a court to order non-parent visitation with a child. Some parents, usually those who are not awarded custody, say that using the "best interests of the child" doctrine in non-parent visitation cases fails to protect a fit parent's fundamental right to raise their child in the manner they see fit.

In this article, you will find a summary of state laws regarding this doctrine.

“Best interests of the child” generally refers to the
deliberation that courts undertake when deciding
who is best suited to take care of a child. Factors
that may be considered by the court when making a
best interests determination can include:

The age and sex of the child

The mental and physical health of the child

The mental and physical health of the parents

The lifestyle and other social factors of the parents
The emotional ties between the parents and the child

The ability of the parents to provide the child with food,
shelter, clothing, and medical care

The child’s established ties to school, home, community, and
religious institutions

The child’s preference

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

Monday, November 10, 2008

To My Son

When you were born,
I received the most precious gift.
I willingly and lovingly
wanted to provide for you a home
where you felt safe and happy,
a home built on a foundation of
security, respect, and hope.

I wanted to be there
to catch you when you fell
share your successes
and encourage your dreams.

I wanted to be there to comfort your tears
and share your laughter.
I have tried to help you see
the roses among the thorns in life
and that they are there for you to pick,

I have tired to earn and keep
your treasured trust.
I have loved and will continue to love
being your parent.
And remember, if you need me,
I will always be just
a thought away.
And yes, my son,
you will always have my
unconditional love....forever.

Authored by Steven H. Waller 2005

What do Alienating and Target parents look like?

What do alienating and target parents look like? They look like any other person one would meet. They look like your spouse, your brother, sister, parents, friends, co-workers, or the stranger next to you in line at the store. They do not fit any physical description, but I do believe that they fit certain mental or emotional descriptions.

Alienating parents are manipulative and liars. They can turn any benign situation into a hostile one and can manipulate those in authority to see their side of things. They are masters of deceit. They exploit others and use them as an end to their means. They are arrogant and can show their lack of self control if contradicted or confronted. Often this lack of control can be seen as rage. They are aggressive and demand the upper hand in all situations. They lack true compassion and empathy, but will use these traits to gain something they desire. They thrive on conflict and the feeling that they have won. With the alienating parent it is me, me, me, not us. The person who falls prey to their tactics will profess "us".

Target parents are passive and resist confrontations. Target parents can think of others first and many times will sacrifice their own needs for those that they feel need something more. They can be described as meek and mild. They may even appear as submissive. They follow rules and believe that rules apply to everyone, not just a select few. They are willing to admit their faults and will seek help if needed. Although a target parent may articulate well, they often lack the ability to completely verbalize the needs or problems of a situation, when confronted. They feel the need to protect and many times have the philosophy of treat others as you wish to be treated. This trait plays well into the hands of the alienator. Target parents want to tell their side of the story, but struggle with the possibility that they themselves will now look like an alienating parent.

One of the things I would like to point out is that since alienating parents manipulate situations and lie, these actions will eventually catch up with them. Of course, those that fall prey to them are in a state of constant confusion, that they themselves tend to forget what is real and what is not. It is once a person is free of this control, that they start to piece together the pieces as if they were a puzzle. I figured this out from the relationship with my ex spouse. Once I was free of his control and manipulations, many things did not make sense. I even questioned my own well being at one time. This is what they want, to keep you on edge, to make you needy and dependent upon them. This is when I started putting the pieces of the puzzle together and the picture was not pretty. Alienators leave a trail behind. You just have to want to start looking for it and piece it together.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Time for change

It is time for a change in the family law area regarding the custody of minor children. I most certainly do not have the answers nor do I have every idea possible to prevent the abuse of children by the courts and by parents who are obsessed with alienating the affection of their children from the other parent. I can only offer some suggestions and do not know how these suggestions could be implemented to protect the children and the parents affected by parental alienation.

I have never entertained the thought of obtaining a prenuptial agreement. Had this been suggested to me prior to my marriage, my first impression would have been that my spouse may not take marriage seriously and that divorce may be something they could foresee. Marriage in my mind was a commitment made and was for better or worse, not for when something better comes along. I also thought prenuptial agreements were for the rich and famous, not for some young couple struggling to set up a home. I have given some thought to this and after my own personal doubts as to motive why one would be a good idea, I have this to offer.

A prenuptial agreement would provide a binding legal contract with the courts concerning the distribution of personal property and financial assets brought into and acquired during the marriage. This would stop all the nit picking arguments in court about possessions and could speed up the divorce case and possibly save some money in the process. Prenuptial agreements also have to be fair so that one spouse is not left destitute. Of course full disclosure of all assets is a must. If the soon to be spouse hesitates at the idea of fairness, then I would say forget marrying this person. I also believe that having a prenuptial agreement could prevent some power plays by a controlling partner. For example, if you let me have this, I will not fight for sole custody of the children. I would rather not suggest what a prenuptial agreement should have stated, but would rather suggest that one seek legal guidance.

I believe that that pre-marital counseling or education classes be mandatory prior to marriage. In this article:

It states: “A nice article in the Journal of Family Psychology (March 2006, Vol. 20, No. 1, 117-126) by research psychologist Scott Stanley, titled "Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability: Findings From a Large, Random Household Survey" presents evidence from a four state survey of over 3000 homes (representing a wide range of economic, ethic and cultural groupings in Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas and Kansas) that pre-marital counseling helps to make marriages healthy and strong. If this finding was ever in doubt, it should no longer be. “ “Couples in the survey that participated in pre-marital counseling were, on average, 31% less likely to divorce in any given year of their marriage than couples who did not benefit from this counseling. They were also more likely than un-counseled couples to report higher marital satisfaction, lower marital conflict and greater levels of commitment.”

Hire a competent attorney who understands what parental alienation is. I think this is one area where you get what you pay for. Do not base your choice by the amount of the retainer and fees. Also get a fee schedule from your attorney. I would ask others for recommendations of attorneys and ask why they recommend them. Do not be afraid to fire your attorney, if they are not doing the job you expect them to do. You will have to lay out more money to do this, but you cannot be standing there on the day your divorce is to be final and realize you have been screwed. This is from personal experience.

Mediation should be the route for most divorces and custody cases. You feel empowered as you have a say in the outcome of your case. The problem with mediation is that there is a compromise that will and must take place for mediation to work. In cases where one parent is the obsessed alienator, mediation will never work. The obsessed alienator will refuse to budge on issues and will bully you. The obsessed alienator will maintain control.

Prior to any divorce with a custody issue, there should be mandatory parenting and or counseling classes, where both parents must attend together. I am not sure of the mandated states that require this or of the mandated sessions that are required. I think a minimum of a 12 week in depth parenting with counseling sessions should be required. I am sure many would think that this is too much and some may be thinking 12 more weeks that I must interact with my soon to be ex. This is not about you, but about your children.

I also think that custody orders should spell out exact times, dates and locations for visitation, as well as who is responsible for transportation. The typical every other weekend and Wednesday night visitation leaves much to the obsessed alienators mind to interpret. They will unilaterally interpret the orders based on their own actions and motives. I also think that custody orders have provisions that spell out that each parent is should be free from derogatory actions, claims and words from the other parent. It should also spell out the ramifications of such actions. A custody order should also state that all communications between the father and mother be in writing, with a copy sent to each of their attorney’s and also the guardian ad litem. This will prevent any he said, she said issues. Of course I could suggest several more options, but they will mean nothing unless the judges hearing these cases uphold the law and provide relief for the parents that are alienated from their children. Interference by a parent that prevents visitation, parenting responsibilities, or access to their child’s activities should be punished and not just by a slap on the wrist.

Lastly, child protective services need to realize that in the context of high conflict divorces and custody cases, they must be aware that false allegations of abuse will be alleged. I understand that people that make allegations are protected from making a false report if they believe that the allegation is true. CPS needs to discover the relationship between the person making the accusation and the accused. If you have not had contact with the accuser in years, how can they be a reliable source for information? Therefore, CPS needs to ask where they got the information and prosecute these people that make allegations falsely.

Of course nothing will change until people involved with the issues of child custody understand that parental alienation occurs. Counseling will help those parents who are naïve and active alienators, but I do not think there is much that can be done in that aspect for the obsessed alienator. This is why the judges need to have some backbone and punish the obsessed alienators. The current punishments are not enough to deter them. This is what needs to change.

Not one or all of these issues will ever change the outcome for parents and children targeted by the obsessed alienator. Education is the key for those in power to realize that this exists. Sadly, I feel that until one of those in power experiences the tragedy of parental alienation will things ever change.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!