more opinions about the PAS does not exist

I see I will have to write things that I wished I did not have to write, but I hope that it gives those that read this blog a better understanding of my opinions about parental alienation.

I grew up in what many call today a strict home. You went to school, you were expected to bring home grades according to your ability and pushed to achieved better, you went to church, you participated in the community, you were respectful to adults, you respected your parents authority, you knew you would be punished at school and then at home if you did anything wrong, you did not call adults by their first name, and I could go on.

I remember a few things about my childhood, such as family trips, spending time with my grandparents, going to church when I did not want to, getting grounded for bad grades and more.

One thing that does stick in my mind was when my parents were having a bad patch in their marriage. I remember my dad getting mad at my mother and yelling. I remember being packed up to go to our grandmothers' home to spend the night. I remember having to sleep on a small bed with my brother and remember not sleeping that night as well. I remember my mom saying our dad was mean and other things. I remember hating my dad that night because I could not sleep in my bed and had to stay at my grandmother's home. I loved my grandmother and enjoyed staying with her, but I did not like it this way.

Why did I hate my dad that night? Was it because I remember him yelling at my mom or was it because my mom "helped" me remember more things about my dad?

As I got older, I remember my mom complaining about my dad. He was mean, he beat her, he cheated on her. Mind you, I never saw him beat her or cheat on her and from what I knew of my dad, he was not the cheating type. Of course I could be wrong as well. Did he yell? Sure! Do I yell at times? Sure! Does that mean we abuse people? Raising my voice in frustration does not make me an abuser. Raising my voice, not knowing when to quit and taking that frustration and using swear words and using physical violence makes me abusive, but this I never did, nor did I see my dad do this.

The more my mom talked about divorcing my dad, the more I realized she was wanting me to hate him along with her. It was the "two against one" theory. I didn't hate my dad and even if he did all these bad things, I did not want to know about them. I just wanted to have my dad.

As I grew older and got out on my own and had my own interpersonal relationships, I started to realize that perhaps my mother was very controlling. She was protective as well, but where does that protective trait and controlling trait overlap? Was she trying to protect me from an abusive father or was she controlling my thoughts? I would later realize that my father was not the man she made him out to be. I would also suspect that perhaps my mom suffered from some personality disorder as well. I could not prove this, I could only surmise this from reading.

Bottom line is that I love both my parents, they have faults as well. I dislike that my mom tried to persuade me to hate my dad. They are both still my mom and dad though and I love both of them.

For parents that think they are protecting their children from abuse, when it actually is a control issue, be advised...children see things and remember things. I do not like what my ex did to me during our marriage and after, but that does not mean he is not the father of our son. Our son will still love both parents, we are the ones that made it possible for him to be here.

Stop trying to place your children in the middle of your own cause and let them be children who can love both parents. Let them grow up to decide for themselves. Your influence may very well backfire on you.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

My post for the day

OK, I admit the title leaves little to be desired, but then again this post I came across today does the same. There is a controversy about parental alienation among the certain lines of thought. It exists, it does not exist, it is junk science, it is not junk science, etc., you get my point. Granted, parental alienation is not in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but the personality types of the parents who alienate their children are, such as narcissist, sociopath and such.

I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.

"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.

I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.

Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.

Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.

You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.

What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent.

http://parentalalienation.blogspot.com/"

My thoughts for the day.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

The Ashley Scott murder trial in Memphis, TN...another domestic violence case

I would not normally attempt to blog about a murder trial that involves domestic violence. First and foremost, having been a victim of domestic violence, I may find it difficult to be objective in my writings. Then again, this blog is about parental alienation, to which I am the target parent and I may find it hard to be objective in my writings pertaining to this as well. I do my best and attempt to be objective, but that is not always easy to do. I am writing this today because I was sent a link by a friend who asked that I make a post about this. Little did I know that this would be a labored task. I have read the blogs about the trial and also did a bit of research as well and will now attempt to write about this case.

Let me state some facts and at the end of this I will have links I used in my research for this entry. Memphis is a city in the southwest corner of the state of Tennessee and it is the county seat of Shelby County. As of 2008, Memphis had an estimated population of 677,272, making it the largest city in the state of Tennessee , the second largest in the Southeastern United States, and the 18th largest in the United States. According to an article published April 13, 2008: 63,000: Domestic violence calls received in 2007 by law enforcement agencies in Memphis and Shelby County;

24,000: Domestic violence cases investigated; 4,014: Criminal domestic violence cases handled by the Domestic Violence Prosecution Unit in 2007 -- 3,295 misdemeanors and 719 felonies; 52: Percentage of crimes against persons in Shelby County that involve domestic violence; 50: Average number of aggravated domestic violence calls to the Memphis Police Department daily, or more than 18,000 a year; 22, 27, 23, 14: Number of of domestic homicides in Memphis in 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004, respectively. According to another article published Sunday, September 7, 2008, a death that was being written about was the 27th homicide linked to domestic violence in 2008, nearly double the number (14) at this time last year. According to another article: A woman is battered every 8 to 10 seconds in the United States (3-4 million times per year); A man is battered every 16 minutes in the United States (143,000 times per year); On average, Us medical schools require only two hours of training in adult domestic violence and less than half of family practice residencies require education about Intimate Partner Abuse. Thirty-one percent of female physicians and 14% of male physicians have personally experienced domestic violence. Thirty-one percent of nurses report that they or someone in their immediate families have experienced domestic violence.

These are alarming statistics! Domestic violence happens everyday somewhere to someone you know or know of. Domestic violence knows no bounds, knows no racial lines, knows no religious affiliations and knows no gender. Although statistics seem to have a higher percentage of female victims, I believe that the male percentage may be understated.

Now onto the story about Ashley Scott.

Ashley Scott, a teacher in Memphis, was 28 years old when she was beaten to death by her husband, Jeffrey Scott. On November 23, 2006 after an evening of drinking and arguments, Jeffrey beat his wife and left her in the garage. He claims that he brought her back inside and laid her on the floor by the fireplace at approximately 9am. At approximately noon, he attempted to move her to the bed. Around 2:30pm, he called a friend, who was a medical doctor, and asked that he come to his house alone. Since it was Thanksgiving Day, Jeff knew that his friend was most likely with his family. According to documents contained in the blogs, the paramedics received the 911 call at 3:13pm. At 7:52pm, Ashley was pronounced dead due to blunt force trauma to the head.

If this link works, you can hear the 911 call. In my opinion, Jeffrey Scott sounded too calm, cold and calculating. Shock? Decide for yourself if you listen to the tape.

"Uh, my wife is unconscious," said Scott on the tape.
McGee told the jury he believed Jeffrey to be in shock. He was calm as McGee started CPR.
"How's she breathing now, is it normal," asked a 911 dispatcher.
"Yes," said Scott.
"She's dead," McGee can be heard saying in the background.
"Sir, did I hear him say she was dead," asked the dispatcher.
"Yes. That's what he said," said Scott.
"You said she was breathing," the dispatcher said.
"She was. She was just a second ago," said Scott.

The jury got to hear all the dirty laundry of the couple. They drank, perhaps even too much. Ashley had a DUI. They both had affairs. This was all done to discredit Ashley and to place the sympathy factor into the minds of the jurors. The use of alcohol was presented to discredit Ashley as she drank too much and had received a DUI. The victim is dead and cannot defend themselves, so the best thing a defense can do is to discredit them. Then the use of alcohol was brought up again, as the reason that the fight got out of control. The alcohol played a part, but it was Jeffrey's conscious decision to beat his wife and not to stop. The use of alcohol did not make him beat his wife, nor did it make him beat her to death. It became the crutch that the defense wished to use. Ashley drank, Ashely had a DUI, Ashely had a level above legal limit. All these portrayed the evils of alcohol. The defense went as far as having another doctor testify that perhaps Ashley's death was alcohol related. Then the defense raised the issue that Jeffrey had been drinking, almost saying that he was influenced by the alcohol and perhaps things got out of hand.

If you check any of the links I used to write this post, you can read the jury trial. The one thing I noticed was how familiar this story sounded. I could relate. Jeffrey was mean and abusive. He called his wife names, told her she was not a good teacher, told her she would not be a good mother, but they were supposedly attempting to have a baby. I read somewhere that Jeffrey said she would do right if she gave him a son. News flash for you! The man determines the sex of the child, the woman carries the baby until birth. He monitored her expenses, monitored her calls, monitored her friends, he was always checking up on her. Perhaps when these means of intimidation and coercion did not control his wife as he thought they should, he started in on the physical abuse. It was reported that Ashely went to school many times with heavy makeup and long sleeves, even when it was hot outside. This was done to hide the bruises.

This what abusers do. They control by any means they can and when those means stop working they up the tactics. There is a difference between constructive criticism and outright offending and demeaning remarks. I was told I could not do certain things correctly, such as wash his shirts. Therefore, his shirt had to go to the dry cleaners. Therefore, I had to allow in the budget this expense. If I tried a new recipe for dinner that did not work out, instead of a comment of this one does not work, I was told I did not know how to cook. My home was clean or so I am told by people that have visited my home several times, but I was told by my ex that I did not know how to keep a home. Never mind that he did not offer to do it the way it was supposed to be. If I did not get a joke, I was told I was stupid. If I went to the store and took longer than he thought, I was accused of having an affair and was prohibited from going to the store alone. I did not handle the finances correctly and he would take care of them, but his bills would be paid first and then if I was good, he would allow for my bills to be paid. When I started standing up for myself, the physical control started. I was one of the lucky ones and got out before he placed me in a hospital or worse.

Little did I know that the abuse would continue after our divorce by the means of parental alienation. Now he controls our son's mind, like he did me at one time.

Please if you are a victim of domestic abuse, please seek some assistance. Tell your story. I feel this is important for the male victims as I believe they are silent. Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers will use these excuses for their violence.

The jury found Jeffrey Scott guilty of second-degree murder for the beating death of his wife, and he had the same reserved manner that he displayed on a 911 call played during his trial. He faces 15 to 25 years in prison when Judge James Lammey Jr. sentences him Feb. 19. There is no parole for second-degree murder, but he could earn a time reduction of up to 15 percent for good behavior. UPDATE: Jeffrey Scott received 25 years in prison without parole.

Jeffrey Scott Murder Trial

Blog of trial

Another blog of the trial

Another blog of the trial

Approve domestic violence docket

Domestic violence deaths rise in Greater Memphis

Domestic violence by the numbers: In Shelby County

Memphis, Tennessee

Domestic violence facts

Parental Alienation, Domestic Violence and Terrorism, is there a common link?

Hopefully, this entry today will make some sense and make one think as well. Perhaps, you can see the relation between parental alienation and domestic violence, but you may wonder where terrorism falls into this analogy. Previously I posted this: Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?

You may see a correlation between domestic violence and parental alienation, but may be wondering where I am going with the terrorism angle. Most likely the first thing that comes to mind are the terrorist acts that are committed across the globe. Those certainly are not related to parental alienation and domestic violence. If one looks up the definition of terrorism, you would find Terrorism is "the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion." Whereas terror can be defined as - the use of extreme fear in order to coerce people. The definition of domestic violence can be defined as "It's a chronic abuse of power. The abuser tortures and controls the victim by calculated threats, intimidation, and physical violence. Actual physical violence is often the end result of months or years of intimidation and control." One definition of alienation is listed as: "estrange: arouse hostility or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness" . The common theme seems to be coercion, which can be defined as: the act of compelling by force of authority, using force to cause something to occur, and the practice of compelling a person or manipulating them to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats, intimidation or some other form of pressure or force" .

While the recent and past global terrorist attacks seem a far fetched analogy to my post, the tactics employed by abusers in domestic violence and parental alienation are one in the same as terrorists. A use of terror to coerce their subject or subjects into submission. If this does not define abuse, then what does?

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Why everyone needs to care about parental alienation...Oh the gossip never ends!

One may ask why I titled this post "Why everyone should care about parental alienation ...oh the gossip never ends". You may be happily married and both you and your spouse have a healthy and loving relationship with your children. Parental alienation does not affect you. It may not directly, but one day it will either directly or indirectly.

I do believe that everyone at one time or another has experienced alienation in one form or another. Some common words used to define alienation are; isolation, estrangement, separation and unfriendly. One area that alienation can happen quite a bit is in a work environment. Perhaps you have overheard gossip or rumors, or even participated as well in the conversations. The gossip and rumors can be started because one person does not like the other and their intentions is to persuade others to their side. Sometimes people gossip or tell rumors because they have nothing better to do or they like the attention they get. Other times they do this because their goal is to isolate the person they are talking about and they wish to discredit them for their own personal gain. It starts as a malicious attempt to slander someone and possibly to improve the social standing of the person who made up the story. Gossip gives one power over another. People who gossip believe lies, want to believe lies, and persuade others to believe lies. Gossip is censorship and a gross injustice. The one involved has no right to defend themselves. The subject of the gossip is the one who suffers alienation. Parental alienation is nothing more than gossip, rumors, lies and a gross injustice about a parent. The children are the ones that hear this gossip and believe it. The child ends up siding with the alienating parent and discredits the other parent with no basis of truth.

You may think there are no similarities between gossip at work or other situations where this happens and parental alienation. This is where you are wrong. You may think about the town gossip and know that you do not believe a word they say. You may even think about things you have heard and said "oh how preposterous". Alienating parents are preposterous but they are also very convincing. Unfortunately they convince the children, judges, attorneys and therapists about the rumors and gossip they tell about the other parent. Gossip has the uncanny ability of drawing more and more conclusions on less and less info.

You may be thinking that eventually the truth will come out. The truth is there, but often is not wanted to be heard. Many times, the alienating parents tells such lies that a target parent can not find the documentation to support the truth. If the target parent has documentation to support the truth against the lies told about them, it is not wanted to be heard. If a child seeks the truth, they do not want to know the bad things about the alienating parent. In my case, the alienating parent stated that I was guilty of some illegal behaviors. I did not have records of arrest, but I can only imagine that it was stated I either had connections or had not been caught yet. How does one "prove" they are not guilty of such indiscretions? The alienating parent, on the other hand, has records of arrest, not for what I was accused of, but for other violations.

Have you ever given any thought to what the destructive lies, gossip, rumors and allegations do to a child? Not only can they believe that the target parent does not care for them or love them, they can grow up to believe that this behavior is specific to the gender that the alienation is being maintained about. For instance a daughter can believe that all men are sexual predators, abusive to women, have extramarital affairs and fail to support their families. She may grow up with a resentment towards men and this will affect her relationships and interactions. A son can believe that all women are manipulators, they spend money that is not there and are not capable of making decisions. They may grow up to treat women abusively and this will also affect their relationships and interactions. Of course there are other scenarios as well. The one thing that alienated children are being taught is that they do not need to have respect for the target parent. This will unconsciously tell them that they do not have to have respect for the gender that they are being alienated against. This will affect future relationships and interactions.

Abuse follows a cycle and unless that cycle is broken it will continue. Think about that the next time you hear the latest "gossip". How much someone talks to you about others may be how much they talk to others about you!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Mediation and parental alienation........"My way or the highway"

Are you a target parent that has been ordered to attend mandatory mediation? Are you a target parent that has attended mandatory mediation? Are you an alienating parent that has attended mandatory mediation? If so I would like to hear your thoughts about it.

Mediation in theory is a great idea. It costs less and both parties get a say, they get to work through problems, compromise and for the most part both parties come away feeling satisfied that they could resolve their issues and found an acceptable agreement. Both parties can have the sense of empowerment over their decisions and many times the divorcing couples may find that they have a better relationship post divorce because of mediation. Oh what a wonderful world we live in. If this was the answer to all divorce cases.

Mediation can work and does work in many divorce/custody cases and I would advise anyone to seek this route, BUT, if there is moderate to severe parental alienation, I can not suggest this route. In cases where parental alienation is mild, mediation MAY work, but only if your mediator is versed in parental alienation. Neither party may be aware that parental alienation is happening and this is where a good mediator will come in. I believe that mild alienators can be helped and would be open to counseling. I think that mild alienators have the best interests of the child in mind. I do not think their intention is to ruin the relationship between the child and other parent. In moderate cases, the alienator knows they are saying negative things about the other parent, but cannot help themselves. Counseling may help in these cases, but I think the line between moderate and severe can be crossed very easy without some professional intervention.

In cases of severe alienation, mediation is a waste of time, energy and money. The severe alienator will refuse to budge on any issue you bring up for compromise. They will fabricate stories and the mediator may tell you that you are being unreasonable and to compromise. You will either have to hold your ground or have to make compromises that you are not comfortable with. Target parents have no say, no issues that are compromised and they end up accepting less than desirable terms. Holding your ground will not be futile either. You realize very quickly that again you are experiencing abuse, but this time, the alienator has others on their side. This is when you realize that "guilty until proven innocent" really is the motive in the "system". No, I did not type that phrase wrong either. Alienators present their case so well and fool everyone. You are guilty of many of the accusations because everyone believes them. Proving your innocence is a long and exhaustive road.

So, in closing I would like to state that I think mediation works in many cases of divorce and should be utilized, but in cases where there is a moderate to severe alienating parent, this option does not and will not work. Mediation in theory is an excellent choice and should be utilized where both parties are capable to compromise. The mediator needs to be versed in parental alienation as well. The other point I would like to make is that many states are now leaning towards mandatory mediation in divorce/custody cases and unless there are mediators who are very well versed in parental alienation, the cycle of abuse will continue by the so called system. As target parents, I think we should band together to change this.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Priceless!

I am sure everyone has seen those priceless commercials by MasterCard. I was thinking about that today and came up with one for parental alienation.

Married: (insert number) years
Custody litigation: ( insert number) years
Attorney costs: ( insert number) dollars
Child has loving relationship with both parents: Priceless!

This is what it is about, that children have access to both parents. Parents need to remember that their children want to love both of them and do not want to be part of a revenge game plan.

My message to alienating parents: You controlled us during our marriage. You broke our spirit and you wore us down. We followed your ways for the wrong reasons. We supported you, but you only supported us when it fit into your plans or needs. We will no longer be silent. You no longer control us. We will not sit idly by and watch you ruin the life of the child we created. Our child cannot verbalize the pain they feel and you cannot see the damage that you are doing. I will be that voice for our child.

The laws must and will change and every target parent needs to find their voice! Stop this abuse!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

No Child should have to experience this

WARNING: This video should tear at your heartstrings. It is rather long, but it tells a story, one that is not heard in the courts nor one that is not punished via the courts. Can we allow this continue? I urge you to watch this.

Children are in the crossfire in custody cases. Both parents should want to be part of their children's lives, but when one parent wants to punish the other parent, they use their children as pawns. Children get sick and both were able to care for the child before, but now only one parent is the so called "capable" parent. Children get grounded, but that should not mean they are grounded from parenting time with the other parent. Children should not be told that they will have a new and better daddy or mommy, they have them already. Children should not be told that they don't need the other parent anymore. Children should not be told they have to remember what they ate while at the other parent's home for fear that allegations will be made that were not fed. Alienating parents should not call their children several times a day while the other parent has parenting time, "just to check in". These tactics are used by alienating parents to coerce, brainwash and push their children into submission. These are cult like techniques. Alienating parent's hatred knows no bounds. The most severe will reuslt in allegations of domestic abuse, physical and sexual abuse of a child.

Although this video was made by a father, realize this video could have been made by a mother as well. Parental alienation knows no boundaries, it does not discriminate based on gender, race, or socioeconomic class.

Thank you to the father that made this video. My heart goes out to you, whomever you are. Let this video be a testament that no other child should ever have to experience this abuse by the hands of the alienating parent.

Alienated children need a voice, one that is not heard in the courts. Please, I beg of you, if you know of a child being alienated from their parent, BE THAT VOICE!

Stop this abuse of children! Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!

Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?

My post today may likely ruffle some feathers. Since I have experienced both, I thought I would write my thoughts about it.

Domestic violence is about control. Parental alienation is about control. I do not think you will find a parent accused of parental alienation that does not have some control issues. I am not talking about the normal issues that come about in a marriage and a compromise is reached, but the attitude of "my way or the highway" attitude.

A spouse who uses domestic violence as a way to control, uses the "my way or the highway attitude." A parent who alienates a child against the other parent utilizes the same tactics. Although that parent may not tell the child "my way or the highway", their actions speak volumes.

In my case, my ex was a charming, loving and giving man....at times. At other times, I thought I knew what I had to do and usually that was wrong. If I was not punished by words which included verbal berating and jokes at my expense, I was punished by what I called the "silent treatment". The silent treatment was the worse, because I could ask what was wrong and would get a glaring blank stare in return. This made me think about the past week or day. It was mind control. If these actions did not make me "act" the way he wished, I was physically punished. I constantly walked on eggshells, never knowing when, where or how I "caused" myself to be subject to his tirades. I lived in a world of trying to do right and attempting to learn from my so called past mistakes. What was right yesterday was not right today.

The thing about domestic violence is that one person controls the other through ways of mind control and physical control. They wear you down physically and emotionally. Domestic violence can also be more sinister in that lives are lost as well. I think one common theme is that the abuser in domestic violence is manipulative, cunning, and deceitful. They shift blame and twist facts, many times rather convincingly. This brings me back to my previous posts about a narcissist and a psychopath.

One may ask how I stayed or even married such a person. What one must realize about these narcissists is that they are masters at their game. If every person bolted from a relationship based on any small infraction, you may not find the person that you are very happily married to today. That is called compromise. Those relationships are based on give and take. I was lead to believe that I had the problem and I needed to change. If I can make one statement today I would like to say that you should never ridicule a person that was in this type of relationship. Men and women, both, can be victims of domestic violence.

So how does parental alienation fit into this? PA is an extension of the control by the abuser. You divorced me and I cannot control you anymore in our home, extends to I still can control you through our children.

There is nothing that can hurt a parent more than not being able to be part of our children's lives. Abusers know this and use this to their advantage. They will either twist parental alienation as an "excuse" for them not being able to see their children and have you accused of parental alienation, or they will employ the same tactics on the child as they used on you so you are not part of that child's life.

So are domestic violence and parental alienation related? I say they are as they are tactics used to control and hurt a person.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

48 hrs mystery story

Here is a story posted on the CBS 48 hours mystery series called "Secrets From The Grave" and was posted Aug. 19, 2006. Although I do not recall seeing the words parental alienation used in this story, it does not take long to hear those ringing bells and see the red flags suggesting so. A manipulative woman got a divorce from her husband without his knowledge and then accused him of abuse against their child. Sound familiar? Again a parent used the system and destroyed a family and the child is the one who suffers.

It is a story about a man named Bill Flint who met his wife Cassandra in 1988 and they married a few months later. They had one child, referred to as "Jane" in the story and she was the light of his life. Shortly after "Jane" was born, their marriage started to have problems and they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In 1993, Bill Flint learned that he was divorced. He found out when the sheriff showed up at his door to escort him off the property. It seems that his wife pursued a divorce without anyone knowing it and was able to obtain it as well. Since he was not present at his own divorce hearing, the one that he had no knowledge of, he ended up paying dearly. He would find that he was accused by his ex wife of molesting his daughter and the judge believed her, which lead to supervised visits with his daughter. When he was found not guilty of the abuse charges he decided he would fight for custody of his daughter. This would eventually cost him his life.

What causes a parent to hate and despise their spouse so much that they would deprive their own child a parent that helped bring the child into the world? This is not normal behavior and sadly these stories play over and over again.

When a parent denies their child access to the other parent and tells their child that the other parent is bad and they hate the other parent, they are sending the message to the child that they hate half of their child.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Personality disorders in young Americans

I came across this story today on http://www.livescience.com/health/081202-ap-personality-disorders.html posted by Lindsey Tanner, Associated Press 02 December 2008 08:28 am ET that "Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.
The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment."

I read this and thought OMG...FINALLY someone has presented some form of documentation that young adults are affected by something perhaps in their childhood that triggers problems that will show in their adult life. I looked for the word "parental alienation" and did not find it, but it does not take some scientist, psychologist or researcher to tell a target parent that their child will most likely face some problems in their adult life due to the actions by the alienating parent. I read this: "For many, young adulthood is characterized by the pursuit of greater educational opportunities and employment prospects, development of personal relationships, and for some, parenthood," the authors said. These circumstances, they said, can result in stress that triggers the start or recurrence of psychiatric problems. "

Perhaps I missed something in this article that suggested experiences in their childhood could bring this on. So I will surmise that these disorders could be triggered from their expediences in childhood.

I think for most parents that have a child the scenario goes likes this; you enter the hospital to deliver your child and go home 1-3 days later depending upon the delivery method. You are given some information on how to care for a newborn, but most of your "knowledge and or experience" comes from personal experience and instinct. I think many draw upon their own childhood on how to raise a child. If you were brought up by the help of siblings because your parents both worked, this may be they way they were brought up. If other family members were a major influence on the upbringing, than this again may be from experience. If discipline that could border on abuse was an influence then this may be a way the parents raise their child. I think that we do as we know and that is how the cycle of abuse and or disorders keep repeating. I do believe that the cycle of abuse can be broken.

As I attempt to understand my own personal situation, I can now realize there were several red flags that I ignored. I did not understand when I was younger that the way a child treats a parent means something significant. My ex's father was very demeaning to his wife and his children disrespected her as well. It was put in such a way that it was done jokingly at her expense and she also laughed at these so called jokes. I would also find her at times crying in the basement. She would always apologize for being " so sensitive". I was not mature enough to realize that this was emotional abuse. I would become angry for her, but then his father would be very loving and all seemed well. Again, I would not realize that this a cycle of abuse by a domestic abuser. I never saw physical abuse, so therefore, I did not realize that the controlling behaviors and emotional distress was abuse. Later, I would realize that this behavior repeated itself and I was the one who was the brunt of jokes and I would be demeaned. I also learned to accept that I as being "too sensitive".

Children or young teens that see this behavior learn to accept this as normal and can repeat it because they learn through actions that this is normal. It is not normal. So yes, parenthood can trigger the stresses that are indicative of a personality disorder. They go home with the "knowledge and experience" from their own childhood and repeat the cycle of abuse.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!