Sunday, March 08, 2009

more opinions about the PAS does not exist

I see I will have to write things that I wished I did not have to write, but I hope that it gives those that read this blog a better understanding of my opinions about parental alienation.

I grew up in what many call today a strict home. You went to school, you were expected to bring home grades according to your ability and pushed to achieved better, you went to church, you participated in the community, you were respectful to adults, you respected your parents authority, you knew you would be punished at school and then at home if you did anything wrong, you did not call adults by their first name, and I could go on.

I remember a few things about my childhood, such as family trips, spending time with my grandparents, going to church when I did not want to, getting grounded for bad grades and more.

One thing that does stick in my mind was when my parents were having a bad patch in their marriage. I remember my dad getting mad at my mother and yelling. I remember being packed up to go to our grandmothers' home to spend the night. I remember having to sleep on a small bed with my brother and remember not sleeping that night as well. I remember my mom saying our dad was mean and other things. I remember hating my dad that night because I could not sleep in my bed and had to stay at my grandmother's home. I loved my grandmother and enjoyed staying with her, but I did not like it this way.

Why did I hate my dad that night? Was it because I remember him yelling at my mom or was it because my mom "helped" me remember more things about my dad?

As I got older, I remember my mom complaining about my dad. He was mean, he beat her, he cheated on her. Mind you, I never saw him beat her or cheat on her and from what I knew of my dad, he was not the cheating type. Of course I could be wrong as well. Did he yell? Sure! Do I yell at times? Sure! Does that mean we abuse people? Raising my voice in frustration does not make me an abuser. Raising my voice, not knowing when to quit and taking that frustration and using swear words and using physical violence makes me abusive, but this I never did, nor did I see my dad do this.

The more my mom talked about divorcing my dad, the more I realized she was wanting me to hate him along with her. It was the "two against one" theory. I didn't hate my dad and even if he did all these bad things, I did not want to know about them. I just wanted to have my dad.

As I grew older and got out on my own and had my own interpersonal relationships, I started to realize that perhaps my mother was very controlling. She was protective as well, but where does that protective trait and controlling trait overlap? Was she trying to protect me from an abusive father or was she controlling my thoughts? I would later realize that my father was not the man she made him out to be. I would also suspect that perhaps my mom suffered from some personality disorder as well. I could not prove this, I could only surmise this from reading.

Bottom line is that I love both my parents, they have faults as well. I dislike that my mom tried to persuade me to hate my dad. They are both still my mom and dad though and I love both of them.

For parents that think they are protecting their children from abuse, when it actually is a control issue, be advised...children see things and remember things. I do not like what my ex did to me during our marriage and after, but that does not mean he is not the father of our son. Our son will still love both parents, we are the ones that made it possible for him to be here.

Stop trying to place your children in the middle of your own cause and let them be children who can love both parents. Let them grow up to decide for themselves. Your influence may very well backfire on you.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!


  1. Has anyone here ever heard of APS? That is when a parent USES their new gf's or bf's to intentionally make the other parent feel there is a threat of alienation as a parent.

  2. I'm sorry, I forgot to state what APS actually stands for... Alienating Parent Syndrome!

  3. Hi,

    Nice post. Parental alienation is just another one of the numerous reasons why the problem of divorce has grown so serious in contemporary society today. In medical terms it is termed as PAS or Parental Alienation Syndrome. This is yet another of the side effects that bitter divorce proceeding usually has on the minds of impressionable children.

  4. Thank you for your comments.

    Children are impressionable and they also want to love both of their parents. When one parent uses the gullibility and innocence of a child to persuade them to hate a parent, then I think this parent should be charged with criminal neglect. That will never happen until laws and awareness changes.

    Alienating parents know the are hurting the other parent, but that pales in comparison to the lasting damage that is done to the children. Why an AP cannot realize this is beyond me! They are selfish and I think if they had the best interests of their children at heart, they would not do this. In a nutshell, I do not think that alienating parents are capable of thinking about anyone else other than themselves.