Saturday, January 31, 2009

Not sure what I should title this today

In my previous entry I stated that I left a comment on this blog. I thought is may interesting to see the response that was left to my comment.

Alienated mom, you are surrounded in your own bullshit. Don’t come trying to convince anyone without doing the research and getting your facts straight.

You applaud the decision of a judge to now “alienate” the other parent? That doesn’t make any sense.

There may be parents who intentionally brainwash, but it is a little something that everyone is guilty of, brainwashing against neighbors, friends, schools systems, methods of thought…but then there are those that tell their children the truth, or the children are able to accept the truth themselves…that is not brainwashing. Children often side with their abusers, which is why they may not initially “turn” until confronted with the information and realizing it as abuse. Sometimes, indeed, they have to have space from their abusers. Children feel guilty about having been abused and wonder what they could have done to stop it. That is why children need protection.

Conceiving a son out of love means nothing in my book. We all FUCK from time to time and get pregnant, pregnancy is the result of fucking where there is no contraception, or failed contraception. Just because two people were present for the sex doesn’t mean they feel the same way about the child.

A child has a right to know his father? Who is disputing this? A child has a right to know whatever he or she wants to know and what is best for the child’s health, including separating that child from an abusive parent…ya know, because abusing a child’s parent, or caretaker, in FRONT of the child IS CHILD ABUSE–DUH. What child deserves to witness abuse?

Oh yeah, remind the child that he/she was conceived in love, that’ll fix it.

Give me a percentage of fathers included in these studies!!!


How clever PAS supporters think they can “brainwash” us into forgetting about Dr. Pedophile Gardner sex with the father is okay, it’s society that is the problem.

You are very brainwashed indeed. The Male Supremacy groups have successfully initiate a “campaign” that allowed you to accept superficial explanations and debunked “diagnosis.”

There are many things I could say in response to this comment, but I will refrain for now. I would say they do understand parental alienation as it seems obvious that they participate in this. I am assuming this is a mother that is writing this and I wonder how many children she has through the process of "fucking" as she refers to it and I also wonder how much government assistance she receives to keep her children from their father or should I say fathers? She sounds as she hates men and I sure hope she does not have any male children in her home. As for the Male Supremacy groups she refers to, those groups that spew hatred towards women are as bad as she is. Children should be allowed the right to love both parents without one parent spewing hatred against the other to convince the child to hate.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

My post for the day

OK, I admit the title leaves little to be desired, but then again this post I came across today does the same. There is a controversy about parental alienation among the certain lines of thought. It exists, it does not exist, it is junk science, it is not junk science, etc., you get my point. Granted, parental alienation is not in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but the personality types of the parents who alienate their children are, such as narcissist, sociopath and such.

I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.

"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.

I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.

Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.

Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.

You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.

What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent."

My thoughts for the day.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?

I have had several conversations or discussions about a subject that I think I have come up with an appropriate title for my post today. There seems to be many questions when talking with other target parents about contact with their alienated child and how the court orders read. There also seems to be an opinion, by people that do not understand parental alienation, that one should let go and wait until the child matures. The main consensus seems to be to absent yourself from the child's life until the child "realizes" what has happened. This is how I came about my title today.

I have been told that I am a rebel and I guess I have to agree with that. I do not act this way to cause harm and am certainly not violent in my actions. I will question and if I believe I am correct I will seek to improve the conditions. Many of the laws we have today are because a person stood up for what they believed in and did something to help change them. This is what I identify myself with.

Many times I hear a parent say they are at a loss at what to do about their child. I ask if they see them or not and how much contact they have. Many times I hear that they are not allowed to see their child and are only allowed one phone call and can mail the child cards and gifts. I ask if they email their child and they tell me, the court order does not say I can email. These parents are afraid that if they email their child they will be held in contempt for breaking the order. I can understand completely and do not advise anyone to break a court order. I can not tell you the last time I sent something via the postal service and email communication has become the norm in many institutions for communication. My options are the same if one sends me postal mail or email. I can choose to open the postal mail and I can choose to open the email. With email, I also have a delete option, something I do not have with postal mail. To send postal mail or email, many times I have no idea if the recipient even receives the mail. I also have the option to send certified return receipt mail and I can purchase a read receipt program for my email. I consider both ways (postal and email) communication via mail. The only thing I cannot do via email is to send gifts, but I can send links for money. I guess money could be considered a gift.

When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent does everything in their power to absent the child from the target parent's life. They find excuses to deny visitation. They also talk badly about the target parent to the child in hopes that the child will believe the rumors about the target parent. If the child has no opportunity to have exposure to the target parent, their heart does not grow fonder due to the absence, instead they start believing what the alienating parent claims. They may mature and seek the truth at a later date, but I think it is important that the target parent lets their child know that they love them, miss them and are always there for them. I have heard that this contact of letting the child know they are loved and missed can be interpreted as harassment. My question is when did a parent letting their child know the special place they hold in their heart become harassment? This is what is wrong with the system that allows alienating parents to control. This is why the laws must be changed.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

The Ashley Scott murder trial in Memphis, TN...another domestic violence case

I would not normally attempt to blog about a murder trial that involves domestic violence. First and foremost, having been a victim of domestic violence, I may find it difficult to be objective in my writings. Then again, this blog is about parental alienation, to which I am the target parent and I may find it hard to be objective in my writings pertaining to this as well. I do my best and attempt to be objective, but that is not always easy to do. I am writing this today because I was sent a link by a friend who asked that I make a post about this. Little did I know that this would be a labored task. I have read the blogs about the trial and also did a bit of research as well and will now attempt to write about this case.

Let me state some facts and at the end of this I will have links I used in my research for this entry. Memphis is a city in the southwest corner of the state of Tennessee and it is the county seat of Shelby County. As of 2008, Memphis had an estimated population of 677,272, making it the largest city in the state of Tennessee , the second largest in the Southeastern United States, and the 18th largest in the United States. According to an article published April 13, 2008: 63,000: Domestic violence calls received in 2007 by law enforcement agencies in Memphis and Shelby County;

24,000: Domestic violence cases investigated; 4,014: Criminal domestic violence cases handled by the Domestic Violence Prosecution Unit in 2007 -- 3,295 misdemeanors and 719 felonies; 52: Percentage of crimes against persons in Shelby County that involve domestic violence; 50: Average number of aggravated domestic violence calls to the Memphis Police Department daily, or more than 18,000 a year; 22, 27, 23, 14: Number of of domestic homicides in Memphis in 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004, respectively. According to another article published Sunday, September 7, 2008, a death that was being written about was the 27th homicide linked to domestic violence in 2008, nearly double the number (14) at this time last year. According to another article: A woman is battered every 8 to 10 seconds in the United States (3-4 million times per year); A man is battered every 16 minutes in the United States (143,000 times per year); On average, Us medical schools require only two hours of training in adult domestic violence and less than half of family practice residencies require education about Intimate Partner Abuse. Thirty-one percent of female physicians and 14% of male physicians have personally experienced domestic violence. Thirty-one percent of nurses report that they or someone in their immediate families have experienced domestic violence.

These are alarming statistics! Domestic violence happens everyday somewhere to someone you know or know of. Domestic violence knows no bounds, knows no racial lines, knows no religious affiliations and knows no gender. Although statistics seem to have a higher percentage of female victims, I believe that the male percentage may be understated.

Now onto the story about Ashley Scott.
Ashley Scott, a teacher in Memphis, was 28 years old when she was beaten to death by her husband, Jeffrey Scott. On November 23, 2006 after an evening of drinking and arguments, Jeffrey beat his wife and left her in the garage. He claims that he brought her back inside and laid her on the floor by the fireplace at approximately 9am. At approximately noon, he attempted to move her to the bed. Around 2:30pm, he called a friend, who was a medical doctor, and asked that he come to his house alone. Since it was Thanksgiving Day, Jeff knew that his friend was most likely with his family. According to documents contained in the blogs, the paramedics received the 911 call at 3:13pm. At 7:52pm, Ashley was pronounced dead due to blunt force trauma to the head.
If this link works, you can hear the 911 call. In my opinion, Jeffrey Scott sounded too calm, cold and calculating. Shock? Decide for yourself if you listen to the tape.
"Uh, my wife is unconscious," said Scott on the tape.
McGee told the jury he believed Jeffrey to be in shock. He was calm as McGee started CPR.
"How's she breathing now, is it normal," asked a 911 dispatcher.
"Yes," said Scott.
"She's dead," McGee can be heard saying in the background.
"Sir, did I hear him say she was dead," asked the dispatcher.
"Yes. That's what he said," said Scott.
"You said she was breathing," the dispatcher said.
"She was. She was just a second ago," said Scott.
The jury got to hear all the dirty laundry of the couple. They drank, perhaps even too much. Ashley had a DUI. They both had affairs. This was all done to discredit Ashley and to place the sympathy factor into the minds of the jurors. The use of alcohol was presented to discredit Ashley as she drank too much and had received a DUI. The victim is dead and cannot defend themselves, so the best thing a defense can do is to discredit them. Then the use of alcohol was brought up again, as the reason that the fight got out of control. The alcohol played a part, but it was Jeffrey's conscious decision to beat his wife and not to stop. The use of alcohol did not make him beat his wife, nor did it make him beat her to death. It became the crutch that the defense wished to use. Ashley drank, Ashely had a DUI, Ashely had a level above legal limit. All these portrayed the evils of alcohol. The defense went as far as having another doctor testify that perhaps Ashley's death was alcohol related. Then the defense raised the issue that Jeffrey had been drinking, almost saying that he was influenced by the alcohol and perhaps things got out of hand.
If you check any of the links I used to write this post, you can read the jury trial. The one thing I noticed was how familiar this story sounded. I could relate. Jeffrey was mean and abusive. He called his wife names, told her she was not a good teacher, told her she would not be a good mother, but they were supposedly attempting to have a baby. I read somewhere that Jeffrey said she would do right if she gave him a son. News flash for you! The man determines the sex of the child, the woman carries the baby until birth. He monitored her expenses, monitored her calls, monitored her friends, he was always checking up on her. Perhaps when these means of intimidation and coercion did not control his wife as he thought they should, he started in on the physical abuse. It was reported that Ashely went to school many times with heavy makeup and long sleeves, even when it was hot outside. This was done to hide the bruises.
This what abusers do. They control by any means they can and when those means stop working they up the tactics. There is a difference between constructive criticism and outright offending and demeaning remarks. I was told I could not do certain things correctly, such as wash his shirts. Therefore, his shirt had to go to the dry cleaners. Therefore, I had to allow in the budget this expense. If I tried a new recipe for dinner that did not work out, instead of a comment of this one does not work, I was told I did not know how to cook. My home was clean or so I am told by people that have visited my home several times, but I was told by my ex that I did not know how to keep a home. Never mind that he did not offer to do it the way it was supposed to be. If I did not get a joke, I was told I was stupid. If I went to the store and took longer than he thought, I was accused of having an affair and was prohibited from going to the store alone. I did not handle the finances correctly and he would take care of them, but his bills would be paid first and then if I was good, he would allow for my bills to be paid. When I started standing up for myself, the physical control started. I was one of the lucky ones and got out before he placed me in a hospital or worse.
Little did I know that the abuse would continue after our divorce by the means of parental alienation. Now he controls our son's mind, like he did me at one time.
Please if you are a victim of domestic abuse, please seek some assistance. Tell your story. I feel this is important for the male victims as I believe they are silent. Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers will use these excuses for their violence.
The jury found Jeffrey Scott guilty of second-degree murder for the beating death of his wife, and he had the same reserved manner that he displayed on a 911 call played during his trial. He faces 15 to 25 years in prison when Judge James Lammey Jr. sentences him Feb. 19. There is no parole for second-degree murder, but he could earn a time reduction of up to 15 percent for good behavior. UPDATE: Jeffrey Scott received 25 years in prison without parole.

Parental alienation making headlines in Canada

Today, I received an email from a very dear friend who sent me a link. It seems that parental alienation has been making some headlines in Canada and that this nation realizes the damage that is being done to children that are denied the right to love the other parent. Bravo, on the decision of the judge.

Mom loses custody for alienating dad
Ruling a 'wake-up call' for parents who use kids to punish ex-partners

January 24, 2009

Tracey Tyler

In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.

The mother's "consistent and overwhelming" campaign to brainwash the children into thinking their father was a bad person was nothing short of emotional abuse, Justice Faye McWatt of the Superior Court of Justice wrote in her decision.

The three girls, ages 9 to 14, were brought to a downtown courthouse last Friday and turned over to their father, a vascular surgeon identified only as A.L.

Their mother, a chiropodist identified as K.D., was ordered to stay away from the building during the transfer and to have her daughters' clothing and possessions sent to their father's house.
McWatt stipulated that K.D. is to have no access to the children except in conjunction with counselling, including a special intensive therapy program for children affected by "parental alienation syndrome." The mother must bear the costs.

Harold Niman, the father's lawyer, said the decision serves as a wake-up call to parents who, "for bitterness, anger or whatever reason," decide to use their children to punish their former partners.

"Maybe if they realize the courts will actually step in and do something and there is a risk of not only losing custody, but having no contact with their children, they'll think twice about it," Niman said in an interview.

McWatt's judgment was released Jan. 16 and published on legal databases this week. By yesterday, it was a hot topic within the family law bar.

The judge said awarding A.L. sole custody was the children's only hope for having a relationship with their father, given their mother's long-running transgressions.

These include ignoring court orders, shutting the door in A.L.'s face when he came to collect the children and refusing to answer the phone when he called to say goodnight. (He was granted telephone access to say good night on Monday, Wednesday and Friday). At times, she also arranged for police to show up when her daughters had overnight visits with their father.
Eventually, K.D. cut off contact altogether, refusing to allow A.L. to see or speak with his daughters. He was reduced to shouting goodnight to them through the door of their home, often not knowing whether they were there.

"It is remarkable that A.L. has not given in to the respondent's persistence in keeping his children from him over the last fourteen years and simply gone on with his life without the children as, no doubt many other parents in the same situation would have and, indeed, have done," McWatt said.

The mother squandered several chances to change her behaviour and is unable to accept it is in her children's best interests to have a relationship with their father, the judge said.

Nicholas Bala, a Queen's University law professor who specializes in family law, said "badmouthing" or negative attitudes by one parent toward another is quite common among separated couples. But in recent years, the justice system has begun to understand the harmful effects of the worst form of this behaviour.

In most cases, the problem is resolved through counselling, where parents are encouraged to accept they'll both always be in their children's lives, said Bala. "I tell them, `... if you're the survivor, you'll be going to the other's funeral, not because you love that person, but to support your children.'

"Having said that, there are some people – and I think some of them are suffering from personality disorders – who will not respond to therapy and will not respond to directions from judges."

Transferring custody is a last resort, because "it can be quite dramatic and traumatic" – yet sometimes better than the alternative, said Bala.

"We often talk about the best interests of the child, but often it's the least detrimental alternative, really."

Bala said courts are unlikely to take such a drastic step without hearing expert testimony about what's happening in the family. A child may be avoiding a parent for legitimate reasons such as physical or emotional abuse.

McWatt heard testimony from Barbara Fidler, a Toronto mediator and clinical psychologist who predicted eight years ago the three girls were at risk of becoming alienated from their father.
The Office of the Children's Lawyer argued the family dynamics could not continue.
Fidler said research points to long-term damage in people alienated from a parent in childhood.
Children are more susceptible at about age 10 or 11, after their brains have developed to the point where they can hold positive and negative information about a parent.

If what one parent is saying about the other doesn't accord with their own perceptions, they can become confused.

In some cases, the only way out of the emotional conflict is to take one parent's side. The child can even begin inventing his or her own reasons for hating the other parent, the court was told.
Early intervention is best, Niman said."Really, parental alienation is a process. If you can nip it in the bud, that's the best advice I can give to clients.

"Because the longer it goes on, the more difficult it can be to undo."
Toronto Star

Court document:

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Parental Alienation, Domestic Violence and Terrorism, is there a common link?

Hopefully, this entry today will make some sense and make one think as well. Perhaps, you can see the relation between parental alienation and domestic violence, but you may wonder where terrorism falls into this analogy. Previously I posted this: Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?

You may see a correlation between domestic violence and parental alienation, but may be wondering where I am going with the terrorism angle. Most likely the first thing that comes to mind are the terrorist acts that are committed across the globe. Those certainly are not related to parental alienation and domestic violence. If one looks up the definition of terrorism, you would find Terrorism is "the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion." Whereas terror can be defined as - the use of extreme fear in order to coerce people. The definition of domestic violence can be defined as "It's a chronic abuse of power. The abuser tortures and controls the victim by calculated threats, intimidation, and physical violence. Actual physical violence is often the end result of months or years of intimidation and control." One definition of alienation is listed as: "estrange: arouse hostility or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness" . The common theme seems to be coercion, which can be defined as: the act of compelling by force of authority, using force to cause something to occur, and the practice of compelling a person or manipulating them to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats, intimidation or some other form of pressure or force" .

While the recent and past global terrorist attacks seem a far fetched analogy to my post, the tactics employed by abusers in domestic violence and parental alienation are one in the same as terrorists. A use of terror to coerce their subject or subjects into submission. If this does not define abuse, then what does?

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Resource for parental alienation

I received a comment on January 17th for a post I made that deserves an entry today. It was from The Lee P.A.S. Foundation . The comment left was "Dr Lowenstein, who has Written Parental Alienation, will be on my talkshoe on Sunday Feb 8 2009 5pm EST www, or call in at 724-444-7444 ID 26868 " If you go to the page for The Lee P.A.S. Foundation, you will read that "Our Foundation is dedicated to publishing and educating the General Public, as well as our Court Systems, Mediators, Evaluators, CPS workers about Parental Alienation Syndrome".

You should be able to find on the right hand sidebar of my blog a widget for the talkshoe calls as well.

If you are a parent that is experiencing parental alienation, know a parent who is or suspect parental alienation, then education is the key to stopping this. Please make use of the resources available.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Why everyone needs to care about parental alienation...Oh the gossip never ends!

One may ask why I titled this post "Why everyone should care about parental alienation ...oh the gossip never ends". You may be happily married and both you and your spouse have a healthy and loving relationship with your children. Parental alienation does not affect you. It may not directly, but one day it will either directly or indirectly.

I do believe that everyone at one time or another has experienced alienation in one form or another. Some common words used to define alienation are; isolation, estrangement, separation and unfriendly. One area that alienation can happen quite a bit is in a work environment. Perhaps you have overheard gossip or rumors, or even participated as well in the conversations. The gossip and rumors can be started because one person does not like the other and their intentions is to persuade others to their side. Sometimes people gossip or tell rumors because they have nothing better to do or they like the attention they get. Other times they do this because their goal is to isolate the person they are talking about and they wish to discredit them for their own personal gain. It starts as a malicious attempt to slander someone and possibly to improve the social standing of the person who made up the story. Gossip gives one power over another. People who gossip believe lies, want to believe lies, and persuade others to believe lies. Gossip is censorship and a gross injustice. The one involved has no right to defend themselves. The subject of the gossip is the one who suffers alienation. Parental alienation is nothing more than gossip, rumors, lies and a gross injustice about a parent. The children are the ones that hear this gossip and believe it. The child ends up siding with the alienating parent and discredits the other parent with no basis of truth.

You may think there are no similarities between gossip at work or other situations where this happens and parental alienation. This is where you are wrong. You may think about the town gossip and know that you do not believe a word they say. You may even think about things you have heard and said "oh how preposterous". Alienating parents are preposterous but they are also very convincing. Unfortunately they convince the children, judges, attorneys and therapists about the rumors and gossip they tell about the other parent. Gossip has the uncanny ability of drawing more and more conclusions on less and less info.

You may be thinking that eventually the truth will come out. The truth is there, but often is not wanted to be heard. Many times, the alienating parents tells such lies that a target parent can not find the documentation to support the truth. If the target parent has documentation to support the truth against the lies told about them, it is not wanted to be heard. If a child seeks the truth, they do not want to know the bad things about the alienating parent. In my case, the alienating parent stated that I was guilty of some illegal behaviors. I did not have records of arrest, but I can only imagine that it was stated I either had connections or had not been caught yet. How does one "prove" they are not guilty of such indiscretions? The alienating parent, on the other hand, has records of arrest, not for what I was accused of, but for other violations.

Have you ever given any thought to what the destructive lies, gossip, rumors and allegations do to a child? Not only can they believe that the target parent does not care for them or love them, they can grow up to believe that this behavior is specific to the gender that the alienation is being maintained about. For instance a daughter can believe that all men are sexual predators, abusive to women, have extramarital affairs and fail to support their families. She may grow up with a resentment towards men and this will affect her relationships and interactions. A son can believe that all women are manipulators, they spend money that is not there and are not capable of making decisions. They may grow up to treat women abusively and this will also affect their relationships and interactions. Of course there are other scenarios as well. The one thing that alienated children are being taught is that they do not need to have respect for the target parent. This will unconsciously tell them that they do not have to have respect for the gender that they are being alienated against. This will affect future relationships and interactions.

Abuse follows a cycle and unless that cycle is broken it will continue. Think about that the next time you hear the latest "gossip". How much someone talks to you about others may be how much they talk to others about you!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

What is the world coming to?

This entry today does not fall into the normal type of posting that I do. I am only addressing this because I am sick and tired of reading about juveniles in the news. Everyday, I either watch my local news and or check the Internet news sites and I am noticing a horrific trend in the news. Minors are committing crimes at an age they should be playing with barbie dolls and GI Joe's or wondering what to where to the prom! What is happening? Wake up parents!

Two news stories today: Boy, 6, misses bus so he tries driving to school and Boy, 4, shoots babysitter for stepping on foot. These were among the other stories of a 15 year old robbing a person. There are many other stories as well: 12-year-old Arizona boy guilty in mom's shooting , TEEN GAL CHARGED WITH TWO MURDERS . Oh I could go on and on, but quite frankly, I find this very disturbing.

I can ask where are the parents in these cases, but doesn't everyone? I wonder are the parents single parents who are working extra hours to cover expenses due to lost wages because of the economy or non payment of child support? Are these parents who are afraid that if they discipline their child they may face charges of abuse? Whatever the reason, this has to stop. Be parents and if you are divorced then the other parent must support the parenting role as well.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Mediation and parental alienation........"My way or the highway"

Are you a target parent that has been ordered to attend mandatory mediation? Are you a target parent that has attended mandatory mediation? Are you an alienating parent that has attended mandatory mediation? If so I would like to hear your thoughts about it.

Mediation in theory is a great idea. It costs less and both parties get a say, they get to work through problems, compromise and for the most part both parties come away feeling satisfied that they could resolve their issues and found an acceptable agreement. Both parties can have the sense of empowerment over their decisions and many times the divorcing couples may find that they have a better relationship post divorce because of mediation. Oh what a wonderful world we live in. If this was the answer to all divorce cases.

Mediation can work and does work in many divorce/custody cases and I would advise anyone to seek this route, BUT, if there is moderate to severe parental alienation, I can not suggest this route. In cases where parental alienation is mild, mediation MAY work, but only if your mediator is versed in parental alienation. Neither party may be aware that parental alienation is happening and this is where a good mediator will come in. I believe that mild alienators can be helped and would be open to counseling. I think that mild alienators have the best interests of the child in mind. I do not think their intention is to ruin the relationship between the child and other parent. In moderate cases, the alienator knows they are saying negative things about the other parent, but cannot help themselves. Counseling may help in these cases, but I think the line between moderate and severe can be crossed very easy without some professional intervention.

In cases of severe alienation, mediation is a waste of time, energy and money. The severe alienator will refuse to budge on any issue you bring up for compromise. They will fabricate stories and the mediator may tell you that you are being unreasonable and to compromise. You will either have to hold your ground or have to make compromises that you are not comfortable with. Target parents have no say, no issues that are compromised and they end up accepting less than desirable terms. Holding your ground will not be futile either. You realize very quickly that again you are experiencing abuse, but this time, the alienator has others on their side. This is when you realize that "guilty until proven innocent" really is the motive in the "system". No, I did not type that phrase wrong either. Alienators present their case so well and fool everyone. You are guilty of many of the accusations because everyone believes them. Proving your innocence is a long and exhaustive road.

So, in closing I would like to state that I think mediation works in many cases of divorce and should be utilized, but in cases where there is a moderate to severe alienating parent, this option does not and will not work. Mediation in theory is an excellent choice and should be utilized where both parties are capable to compromise. The mediator needs to be versed in parental alienation as well. The other point I would like to make is that many states are now leaning towards mandatory mediation in divorce/custody cases and unless there are mediators who are very well versed in parental alienation, the cycle of abuse will continue by the so called system. As target parents, I think we should band together to change this.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Friday, January 02, 2009


I am sure everyone has seen those priceless commercials by MasterCard. I was thinking about that today and came up with one for parental alienation.

Married: (insert number) years
Custody litigation: ( insert number) years
Attorney costs: ( insert number) dollars
Child has loving relationship with both parents: Priceless!

This is what it is about, that children have access to both parents. Parents need to remember that their children want to love both of them and do not want to be part of a revenge game plan.

My message to alienating parents: You controlled us during our marriage. You broke our spirit and you wore us down. We followed your ways for the wrong reasons. We supported you, but you only supported us when it fit into your plans or needs. We will no longer be silent. You no longer control us. We will not sit idly by and watch you ruin the life of the child we created. Our child cannot verbalize the pain they feel and you cannot see the damage that you are doing. I will be that voice for our child.

The laws must and will change and every target parent needs to find their voice! Stop this abuse!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Happy New Year

Today is the first day of the New Year. I hope that this year will be better than last year. Like many I have resolutions, so to speak, that I have made. I would rather refer to them as goals. I plan to make small steps to reach my goals. I think this approach is more practical.

Many bring in the New Year with parties, celebrations, fireworks, food, family and friends. I hope everyone had an enjoyable New Year's Eve. New Year's Day also has many traditions which I will participate in. I have noticed that these traditions involve the food that is eaten on New Year's Day. In Spain and Mexico, the New Year's tradition is to eat 12 grapes at the stroke of midnight as the new year dawns. In the Philippines, food stays on the table from the old year to the new to ensure a plentiful table all year. In Japan, soba noodles are eaten for a long life. In the Southern US states, black-eyed peas and greens are eaten for luck and money.

For my health and wealth, I will prepare a meal of black-eyed peas, cabbage, ham and cornbread. These are not my favorite things to eat, but I will stick to traditions.

I hope that 2009 will be a better year for everyone. I also hope that progress can be made in the area of custody issues. If you are a target parent, let your voice be heard. You can write your legislator and make them aware of parental alienation. This is one small step to start to have bills passed that will help preserve the rights of parents and to maybe end the emotional abuse of children.

God Bless and Happy New Year.