Christmas is to be a special time, filled with good will for others and small miracles. Could David Goldman have gotten a miracle this Christmas? I sure hope so!
If you have not read the story about David Goldman, he is the New Jersey father who has been fighting an international custody issue for the last five years. His son, Sean, is now 9 years old. In June of 2004, Mr. Goldman drove his son, his wife and his wife's parents to the airport for a planned two week vacation to Mrs. Goldman's native Brazil. When she arrived in Brazil, Mr. Goldman states that she called saying the marriage was over and if he ever wanted contact with his son again, he had to sign over custody to her.
If that does not sound very calculated, manipulative and a case of extortion, I don't know what does. These are the very same methods that alienating parents use to gain control.
Mr. Goldman's wife, then gained a divorce in the courts of Brazil and remarried. She later passed away while giving birth in 2008. Mr. Goldman states that he was not notified by his ex in-laws or by her new husband, but happened upon this information by friends that were helping him gain custody back of his son. This is a tragic loss for Sean. He lost his mother, and perhaps thinking that he will return to his father, his extended family in Brazil is now participating in further alienating him from his father.
Mr. Goldman has been fighting to regain custody of his son and has been blocked by many underhanded maneuvers. On Decemeber 21st, 2009, he received word that Brazil's top judge ruled in Mr. Goldman's favor and ordered that his son be returned to him.
Let us all hope and pray that Mr. Goldman has received his Christmas Miracle and that he and his son are reunited.
You can find the news story on MSNBC.COM and other news sites. Mr. Goldman has a website and you can read what he has written here.
Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the abuse!
Showing posts with label loss of a child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss of a child. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
You have nothing to be ashmed of
If you are the target parent experiencing parental alienation, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that when I first learned about parental alienation first hand because I was being targeted, I was ashamed to talk about it. In my mind and from what we learn what is socially acceptable, mothers do not lose custody, they do not give up custody and mothers do not have children that despise every breath they take. Please do not misinterpret my words of socially acceptable to mean that it was accepted that fathers were hated by their children and it was expected that they lose custody and society accepted that.
For any parent that once shared a close bond with their children and now find themselves separated from their children and hated by them, through no actions of their own, you are not alone and you should not feel ashamed. I know that I once was ashamed, because how did it look to outsiders that my son hated me. My son and I shared a very close bond. We went to the zoo, went to museums, colored pictures together, read stories together, drove around at Christmas finding all the pretty lights, went on picnics and more. Everyone that knew me, knew that my son was with me if they saw me out. Then I became the target in the crime of parental alienation. My life as I knew it would forever be changed. No one understood how my child could hate me. It was a phase I was told. This was more than a phase, it was abuse to my son. I also got the looks that if I was accused of child abuse and other heinous allegations then there must be some truth to it. I could not talk about what was happening to anyone for many reasons. I did not understand myself what was happening and I found it difficult to explain. My child loving me yesterday and now hates me today is so foreign for anyone to understand. I, myself, could not understand how overnight everything changed. How could anyone else? Perhaps I did contribute to this, but how?
After I found out that there is a name to this hatred and abuse, I read everything I could read about it. Parental alienation was a foreign word to me and I read a lot about it. I would come to the conclusion that parental alienation has existed for a long time, even before it was given a name.
One of the most difficult things I read concerning parental alienation was the letting go part. Letting go to me, meant that I gave up on my son and I accepted that I may never have him back. I could not read that chapter without the tears flowing. The words became so blurred and I was not reading the message, I was only seeing what I thought it meant. I may be wrong, but I think letting go means letting go of the deep seated hurt that fuels one self to tell their side of the story. For me this meant, I wanted so much for my son to know both sides of the story. I did not do these heinous acts that I was accused of, I had documentation of acts that his father did and dammit, why? Letting go has taken on a different meaning for me now. It means having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. I cannot change what my son's father says about me or what he does to forbid access of our son to me. I can either live my life or dwell upon the past. I can also take solitude in the fact that children want to love both parents and I support that. When children mature or face a similar obstacle, they may come to that realization as well. I have read that children who are victims of parental alienation, do not want to know the story or the truth. They just want to love both parents without conditions placed upon them. Target parents are the ones that have loved their children unconditionally.
So if you are a target parent, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Read books about parental alienation, talk about your situation to others that are experiencing the same thing and continue to live. You are stronger than you think you are.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
For any parent that once shared a close bond with their children and now find themselves separated from their children and hated by them, through no actions of their own, you are not alone and you should not feel ashamed. I know that I once was ashamed, because how did it look to outsiders that my son hated me. My son and I shared a very close bond. We went to the zoo, went to museums, colored pictures together, read stories together, drove around at Christmas finding all the pretty lights, went on picnics and more. Everyone that knew me, knew that my son was with me if they saw me out. Then I became the target in the crime of parental alienation. My life as I knew it would forever be changed. No one understood how my child could hate me. It was a phase I was told. This was more than a phase, it was abuse to my son. I also got the looks that if I was accused of child abuse and other heinous allegations then there must be some truth to it. I could not talk about what was happening to anyone for many reasons. I did not understand myself what was happening and I found it difficult to explain. My child loving me yesterday and now hates me today is so foreign for anyone to understand. I, myself, could not understand how overnight everything changed. How could anyone else? Perhaps I did contribute to this, but how?
After I found out that there is a name to this hatred and abuse, I read everything I could read about it. Parental alienation was a foreign word to me and I read a lot about it. I would come to the conclusion that parental alienation has existed for a long time, even before it was given a name.
One of the most difficult things I read concerning parental alienation was the letting go part. Letting go to me, meant that I gave up on my son and I accepted that I may never have him back. I could not read that chapter without the tears flowing. The words became so blurred and I was not reading the message, I was only seeing what I thought it meant. I may be wrong, but I think letting go means letting go of the deep seated hurt that fuels one self to tell their side of the story. For me this meant, I wanted so much for my son to know both sides of the story. I did not do these heinous acts that I was accused of, I had documentation of acts that his father did and dammit, why? Letting go has taken on a different meaning for me now. It means having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. I cannot change what my son's father says about me or what he does to forbid access of our son to me. I can either live my life or dwell upon the past. I can also take solitude in the fact that children want to love both parents and I support that. When children mature or face a similar obstacle, they may come to that realization as well. I have read that children who are victims of parental alienation, do not want to know the story or the truth. They just want to love both parents without conditions placed upon them. Target parents are the ones that have loved their children unconditionally.
So if you are a target parent, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Read books about parental alienation, talk about your situation to others that are experiencing the same thing and continue to live. You are stronger than you think you are.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
It's the holidays again ...Oh great
Thanksgiving MySpace Comments
The holiday season is starting again and this is a time that target parents can really feel the loss of not being able to spend the time with their children. While we spend our holiday eating a wonderful meal and giving thanks, we are not able to spend the time with the ones that we so dearly miss, love and care about. It is a void that no one seems to understand.
As I am thankful to have a beautiful child, supportive friends and followers of this blog, I am still human and have feelings. I still get down when the holidays come around because I know I will not be able to spend any time with my son. I get down, because he would sneak off to text message his father several times a day at one point, but can not "sneak" off now to send me a text message.
But this is not about me, it is about you and other target parents and how we can come together and be heard.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
What does love have to do with it?
Today while researching some quotes I came across one that everyone has seen or read before. I read it and thought how profound it is.
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with"
How does this relate to target parents and alienated children? As target parents we have to find the time to let go. As alienated children, they may feel they have been set free. What if they never return to us? What if they do?
I truly believe that the children that have been alienated against the target parent will someday return. Target parents have to keep the hope, faith and belief that they will. They must also maintain or attempt to maintain contact as well.
If you are a target parent, keep hoping, praying, believing and doing everything you can, even though you feel it will get you nowhere. Send cards, keep a copy for your records. Take notes and make a journal of your contact, Write your thoughts down. I do believe that one day, your child or children will read it and realize.
Never give up hope!
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with"
How does this relate to target parents and alienated children? As target parents we have to find the time to let go. As alienated children, they may feel they have been set free. What if they never return to us? What if they do?
I truly believe that the children that have been alienated against the target parent will someday return. Target parents have to keep the hope, faith and belief that they will. They must also maintain or attempt to maintain contact as well.
If you are a target parent, keep hoping, praying, believing and doing everything you can, even though you feel it will get you nowhere. Send cards, keep a copy for your records. Take notes and make a journal of your contact, Write your thoughts down. I do believe that one day, your child or children will read it and realize.
Never give up hope!
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Missed the 1500 day mark
So today, August 28, 2009 is day 1503 that my son has not said that he loved me. I guess after some time, you miss these milestones. Just for the record1503 days = 4.11507763 years.
Things will change! I know it, I just have to keep doing what I do. Love my son and let him know that.
Things will change! I know it, I just have to keep doing what I do. Love my son and let him know that.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
I have not quit posting
I have not quit posting on my blog. I have taken a break from dealing with parental alienation and have been spending time for myself. Some may call it selfish, but as a target parent, I need a break. This allows me time to focus on myself and to better myself as well. This will make me stronger to deal with the long term effects that parental alienation has.
I have not stopped thinking about what my next post will be, but it allows me clarity when I make my next post.
Please stay tuned for my next post, which I hope I will make in the next few days.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I have not stopped thinking about what my next post will be, but it allows me clarity when I make my next post.
Please stay tuned for my next post, which I hope I will make in the next few days.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
My post for the day
OK, I admit the title leaves little to be desired, but then again this post I came across today does the same. There is a controversy about parental alienation among the certain lines of thought. It exists, it does not exist, it is junk science, it is not junk science, etc., you get my point. Granted, parental alienation is not in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but the personality types of the parents who alienate their children are, such as narcissist, sociopath and such.
I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.
"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.
I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.
Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.
Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.
You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.
What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent.
http://parentalalienation.blogspot.com/"
My thoughts for the day.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.
"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.
I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.
Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.
Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.
You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.
What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent.
http://parentalalienation.blogspot.com/"
My thoughts for the day.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
I have had several conversations or discussions about a subject that I think I have come up with an appropriate title for my post today. There seems to be many questions when talking with other target parents about contact with their alienated child and how the court orders read. There also seems to be an opinion, by people that do not understand parental alienation, that one should let go and wait until the child matures. The main consensus seems to be to absent yourself from the child's life until the child "realizes" what has happened. This is how I came about my title today.
I have been told that I am a rebel and I guess I have to agree with that. I do not act this way to cause harm and am certainly not violent in my actions. I will question and if I believe I am correct I will seek to improve the conditions. Many of the laws we have today are because a person stood up for what they believed in and did something to help change them. This is what I identify myself with.
Many times I hear a parent say they are at a loss at what to do about their child. I ask if they see them or not and how much contact they have. Many times I hear that they are not allowed to see their child and are only allowed one phone call and can mail the child cards and gifts. I ask if they email their child and they tell me, the court order does not say I can email. These parents are afraid that if they email their child they will be held in contempt for breaking the order. I can understand completely and do not advise anyone to break a court order. I can not tell you the last time I sent something via the postal service and email communication has become the norm in many institutions for communication. My options are the same if one sends me postal mail or email. I can choose to open the postal mail and I can choose to open the email. With email, I also have a delete option, something I do not have with postal mail. To send postal mail or email, many times I have no idea if the recipient even receives the mail. I also have the option to send certified return receipt mail and I can purchase a read receipt program for my email. I consider both ways (postal and email) communication via mail. The only thing I cannot do via email is to send gifts, but I can send links for money. I guess money could be considered a gift.
When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent does everything in their power to absent the child from the target parent's life. They find excuses to deny visitation. They also talk badly about the target parent to the child in hopes that the child will believe the rumors about the target parent. If the child has no opportunity to have exposure to the target parent, their heart does not grow fonder due to the absence, instead they start believing what the alienating parent claims. They may mature and seek the truth at a later date, but I think it is important that the target parent lets their child know that they love them, miss them and are always there for them. I have heard that this contact of letting the child know they are loved and missed can be interpreted as harassment. My question is when did a parent letting their child know the special place they hold in their heart become harassment? This is what is wrong with the system that allows alienating parents to control. This is why the laws must be changed.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I have had several conversations or discussions about a subject that I think I have come up with an appropriate title for my post today. There seems to be many questions when talking with other target parents about contact with their alienated child and how the court orders read. There also seems to be an opinion, by people that do not understand parental alienation, that one should let go and wait until the child matures. The main consensus seems to be to absent yourself from the child's life until the child "realizes" what has happened. This is how I came about my title today.
I have been told that I am a rebel and I guess I have to agree with that. I do not act this way to cause harm and am certainly not violent in my actions. I will question and if I believe I am correct I will seek to improve the conditions. Many of the laws we have today are because a person stood up for what they believed in and did something to help change them. This is what I identify myself with.
Many times I hear a parent say they are at a loss at what to do about their child. I ask if they see them or not and how much contact they have. Many times I hear that they are not allowed to see their child and are only allowed one phone call and can mail the child cards and gifts. I ask if they email their child and they tell me, the court order does not say I can email. These parents are afraid that if they email their child they will be held in contempt for breaking the order. I can understand completely and do not advise anyone to break a court order. I can not tell you the last time I sent something via the postal service and email communication has become the norm in many institutions for communication. My options are the same if one sends me postal mail or email. I can choose to open the postal mail and I can choose to open the email. With email, I also have a delete option, something I do not have with postal mail. To send postal mail or email, many times I have no idea if the recipient even receives the mail. I also have the option to send certified return receipt mail and I can purchase a read receipt program for my email. I consider both ways (postal and email) communication via mail. The only thing I cannot do via email is to send gifts, but I can send links for money. I guess money could be considered a gift.
When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent does everything in their power to absent the child from the target parent's life. They find excuses to deny visitation. They also talk badly about the target parent to the child in hopes that the child will believe the rumors about the target parent. If the child has no opportunity to have exposure to the target parent, their heart does not grow fonder due to the absence, instead they start believing what the alienating parent claims. They may mature and seek the truth at a later date, but I think it is important that the target parent lets their child know that they love them, miss them and are always there for them. I have heard that this contact of letting the child know they are loved and missed can be interpreted as harassment. My question is when did a parent letting their child know the special place they hold in their heart become harassment? This is what is wrong with the system that allows alienating parents to control. This is why the laws must be changed.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Last post of 2008
2008 was not so great.
It was filled with hate.
I hope that 2009
will be a better time.
Well that was my lame attempt at my so called "poetry". As I reflect back over the past year, I have to say that 2008 was not so great. The major story seems to be the economic problems, which has affected everyone I know.
There have been other stories as well and for target parents everywhere, their story has not changed. I am sure there are some more positive stories where parental alienation is concerned. Perhaps you are a parent that has been able to have some contact and that is great. In fact, I know of a father that did not contact with his son for over 15 years and during Christmas, he was able to see him and talk with him for the first time. I cried for him when I heard this. To those that have no idea of the heartbreak and sense of loss, you can not imagine the emotional roller coaster that target parents ride. I hope for him that this relationship will continue to grow and that he feels a sense of relief.
For the target parents that still have no contact, please do not ever give up hope and keep trying. Keep sending your letters, e-mails, text messages and other means of contact. You may not get a reply or you may get a nasty and negative reply. Do not let that deter you. Realize that those nasty and negative replies may not be what your son or daughter wants to relay to you, but remember that they are still being guided by the alienating parent. The alienating parent may be sending these messages electronically posing as the child. If you stop your contact, the alienating parent is still controlling your child and you. Your son or daughter may even call you and demand that you stop, but that alienating parent may be standing over them commanding that they say this. All research indicates that target parents who successfully reunited with their children did so because they would not give up. Don't give up!
As this year ends and a new one begins, I hope that 2009 will see changes where family law is concerned. Let's make 2009 the year of the child. The year where no child will ever have to pick one parent over the other. The year where no child will have to suffer the loss of a parent who loves them. The year where no child will have to subjected to this type of abuse again.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
It was filled with hate.
I hope that 2009
will be a better time.
Well that was my lame attempt at my so called "poetry". As I reflect back over the past year, I have to say that 2008 was not so great. The major story seems to be the economic problems, which has affected everyone I know.
There have been other stories as well and for target parents everywhere, their story has not changed. I am sure there are some more positive stories where parental alienation is concerned. Perhaps you are a parent that has been able to have some contact and that is great. In fact, I know of a father that did not contact with his son for over 15 years and during Christmas, he was able to see him and talk with him for the first time. I cried for him when I heard this. To those that have no idea of the heartbreak and sense of loss, you can not imagine the emotional roller coaster that target parents ride. I hope for him that this relationship will continue to grow and that he feels a sense of relief.
For the target parents that still have no contact, please do not ever give up hope and keep trying. Keep sending your letters, e-mails, text messages and other means of contact. You may not get a reply or you may get a nasty and negative reply. Do not let that deter you. Realize that those nasty and negative replies may not be what your son or daughter wants to relay to you, but remember that they are still being guided by the alienating parent. The alienating parent may be sending these messages electronically posing as the child. If you stop your contact, the alienating parent is still controlling your child and you. Your son or daughter may even call you and demand that you stop, but that alienating parent may be standing over them commanding that they say this. All research indicates that target parents who successfully reunited with their children did so because they would not give up. Don't give up!
As this year ends and a new one begins, I hope that 2009 will see changes where family law is concerned. Let's make 2009 the year of the child. The year where no child will ever have to pick one parent over the other. The year where no child will have to suffer the loss of a parent who loves them. The year where no child will have to subjected to this type of abuse again.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My Christmas Wish List
Dear Santa,
I know this letter will get to you a bit later than you you wish, but quite frankly I have not been in the Christmas spirit. I am not sure if you can bring me everything I would like, but I appreciate you trying.
I have not seen my son for some time and would really love to be able to see him during the Christmas holiday. Perhaps, you could pick him up when you deliver gifts there and bring him along in your sleigh. That sure would be nice and if you can accomplish this, you do not have to bring me anything else.
I would like some thick thermal or soft fleece shirts because I wear them to work. Other than that I don't need anything else. Well, I could use some money but I don't think the elves do that.
If you are able to pick up my son, would you drop off some books about parental alienation for his dad. I don't know if it would help, but maybe he does not realize what he is doing to our child. You can even order them on this site!
I hope all is well in the North Pole and that you have a safe trip.
Love,
Alienated Mom
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Attempting to get into the Christmas Spirit!
As I attempt to get into the Christmas Spirit, enjoy this video.
It is difficult when the holidays come around for target parents. For me, the holidays were a big time at my home, decorations, a tree, special holiday baking and treats. I loved the look, the madness of trying to make it special, but most of all I loved and cherished the look on my son's face. I loved the magic that Christmas meant to him and it was more than gifts, it was giving.
So don't feel sorry for me or other target parents, feel sorry for the children that are missing that special touch that was done for them by the parent that they cannot see this Christmas.
The lyrics to the song
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Saturday, December 06, 2008
The Anna Mae He Custody Case....Was there Parental Alienation?
The custody case of AMH made national headlines and if you have not heard about it, all I can suggest is to go ahead and google it. You will find several articles written about it. Some support the He's, Anna Mae's natural or birth parents and others support the Baker's, the foster parents. Whatever your opinion is about this case, it was a case fraught with accusations, tensions and a very lengthy legal battle over who should be allowed to care for Anna Mae.
I do not know either family and have no personal experience with either of them. All I "know" is what was written in the media, which I think slants articles and persuades the public right or wrong when needed. The case was presented as the He's, a Chinese family attempting to make their way in America, had a baby girl who was premature. Jack He, the father, was fighting his own legal battles and they needed help. According to written articles they placed Anna in foster care until they could get on their feet financially. This was to be temporary and later I read until Anna reached the age of 18. This sounded odd to me, but I also had to remember that there is a language barrier as well. I wish not to argue whether the He's could speak and write in English or understand, but what concerns me is the legalese that is used. I speak English and was brought up in the US and for the life of me, I can not always understand the legal wording of documents.
As I would read the stories presented in the media, I did not feel inclined either way towards which family would be best for Anna. The media painted a picture though. The Bakers were wealthier than the He's and could provide more for Anna. That does not make them better parents. From one news media article they print: "The Bakers live in a five-bedroom, 4,800-square-foot home in the Davies Plantation area east of town. Their $414,000 house sits on more than an acre of rolling Tennessee hills. There are colorful play sets in the well-groomed backyard. Inside there is a media room with surround sound and a 53-inch TV, a Jacuzzi and a central vacuum system." I think, "who cares?" Obviously the media and the courts care. In the same article this is printed: "The Bakers began caring for Anna Mae on Feb. 23, 1999, and the Hes say they visited their daughter at least once a week. When the three months ended, they still were not able to care for Anna Mae. Mid-South Christian Services could no longer handle their case because the agency's supervision is limited to 90 days in temporary custody cases. So the two couples negotiated the next step on their own." And this: "Over the next year, the Hes say they continued to visit Anna Mae and told the Bakers they wanted her back. They say Jerry Baker asked that the arrangements stay in place until his then-pregnant wife gave birth to her own child." and this: "But the Bakers say in court documents that the Hes abandoned Anna Mae by not visiting enough and failing to pay child support. For the past year, the Bakers have refused the Hes' official requests to give Anna Mae back. Last month, the Bakers insisted, through Parrish, that Mister He take a DNA test to prove that he was Anna Mae's father. The test proved that he is."
In another news media article this was written: "But things only got worse for the struggling couple. In April 1999, a month before their custody was to end, He was arrested in the sexual assault case. The Bakers agreed to continue caring for Anna Mae—but only if they were named the child's guardians, which would give them full parental rights. The Hes agreed, they say, but without realizing the agreement could only be reversed by court order. "If we had known that by signing custody to the Bakers we would end up in court, facing termination of parental rights, we never would have signed it," says Jack, who now works at a Chinese restaurant. The Hes visited Anna Mae some 80 times before tensions flared. "The more Jack and Casey wanted to visit their daughter," says one of their pro bono attorneys, David Siegel, "the greater resistance they received from the Bakers." (As evidence, Siegel points to a journal that Louise kept.) In April 2000 and April 2001 the Hes petitioned to regain custody of Anna Mae but were turned down because of their unresolved legal problems. Then, on Jan.28, 2001, Anna Mae's second birthday, the Bakers denied the Hes' request to take their daughter for a family portrait, saying she was ill. The Hes refused to leave without her, prompting the Bakers to call the police. Intimidated, the Hes, who say they feared they would be arrested, didn't try to visit for a period of four months—which may constitute legal abandonment in Tennessee—and the Bakers went to court seeking to terminate the Hes' parental rights and formally adopt Anna Mae. Once, while shopping last December, the Hes happened to spot Anna Mae, who was with two of the Bakers' daughters, Hope and Aimee. According to Hope, 18, Casey put her hands on Anna Mae and screamed, "That's my baby!" Such incidents fuel the Bakers' contention that the Hes are emotionally unstable."
As I stated before, I do not know either family, have never met them and know nothing about the case, except for what was written in the media and from reading some court documents. I do have some concerns though. At first I was slanted towards the Baker's as they obviously could provide a better home and environment for Anna Mae. By all media accounts she seemed to be doing well with the Baker's as well. The He's were painted very poorly as well, as Jack He had some accusations against him and seemed to have some financial difficulties and the perception that the Chinese only want male children. I believe this was carefully depicted by the media slant on the story.
A few things I found from reading court documents was that Louise Baker was born in 1961. This should make her 47 years old. In 1989 she underwent a tubal ligation after the birth of their third child. If my math is correct, this should make this child 19 years old. In 1998, (this would make Mrs. Baker 37 yrs old) the Baker's decided they wanted another child and Mrs. Baker underwent a reversal of her tubal ligation. The Bakers considered adopting a child, but they wanted to try to have a child of their own first. The Bakers previously submitted a “Foster Home Application” to Mid-South in 1997. In response to the question “Why are you interested in providing a foster home?” on the application, the Bakers responded by stating, in relevant part, that they “were first interested in adoption of a newborn, but thought we would try foster care of newborns for a couple of years.”According to Mrs. Baker, they were considering adoption, and serving as foster parents allowed them to decide if adoption was something they wanted to pursue. After submitting their application, the Bakers began serving as foster parents for Mid-South. I also believe that the Baker's did have another child as well, because news reports state that they had a daughter born the year after they took in Anna Mae.
What concerns me and bothers me about this case is that from media reports this case did not present like a foster family wanting to adopt a child, but a custody case when the issue of custody was not a point. Mrs. Baker kept a notebook detailing visits, dates, time, length of stay and gifts brought for Anna Mae. In one article this was stated: "The Hes continued to visit Anna Mae regularly for about an hour a week. Louise Baker began to keep a diary in which she documented the Hes' visits to Anna Mae, writing down when the visits were, how long they lasted, how the Hes interacted with Anna Mae, and what gifts they gave her. In October 1999, friction began when the Hes wanted to take Anna Mae out of the Bakers' home and the Bakers refused. Louise Baker wrote "We would like to get visits to every other week. We feel like they would wean away, but the last 2 visits we could see Casey is wanting to come more." In November 1999, Jack He told Jerry Baker they wanted to regain custody of Anna Mae. Jerry replied that they did not want to give up Anna Mae and that Louise was pregnant and he didn't want her to miscarry. The Hes contacted the juvenile court officer several times during these months complaining about problems with visitation and talking about wanting to get custody back." My questions are do the agencies that you are are foster parent with require or suggest that you keep a notebook of visits with such detail? Was there an underlying motive in the keeping of the notebook? If there is no requirement or suggestion, then I must presume that there was an underlying motive.
From all accounts that I have read, the Baker's were foster parents without the promise or hope that they could adopt Anna Mae. I believe they used the legal system and the He's inability to completely understand the English and legal language and their fear that they would be arrested if they sought to visit Anna Mae as a way to legally terminate the He's parental rights. These manipulative actions are the same actions that alienating parents use against target parents.
Other news reports stated that Anna Mae did not want to learn the Chinese language and that she thought she was Mexican. I immediately thought that the Baker's were denying Anna Mae her heritage. This immediately sent up a red flag for me. Had the Baker's adopted a child internationally that was not of their race, what would they have told this child? A white American couple adopting a child that is not of their white race they can not easily deny or lie to a child that they were not adopted. How were they going to explain to her when she got older? Unless the truth was told, the lie would eventually come out. I think children that are adopted will eventually seek their heritage, sometimes just for answers or who they look like. This provides closure.
I think the Baker's were a family that wanted another child and they went though several avenues to achieve this. A tubal ligation was reversed, adoption was an option and they fostered children. I applaud them for wanting to provide a home for a child. The He's were disadvantaged financially and more. Casey He wanted her daughter and I do not think she intended for Anna Mae to be adopted or if she did to lose contact with Anna Mae. She may have wanted more than she could provide and I think every parent wants that. There is a line that was crossed in this agreement and I think the Baker's exploited this line. I believe they used everything possible to gain custody of a child, that was not theirs to begin with. They used the best interest of the child against the He's, they did everything possible to forbid visitation and to encourage the He's to back off. They denied Anna Mae her heritage. Somehow this was to be better for Anna Mae.
In closing I would like to point out a few things. A larger home with all the current technologies and toys does not make a better home for a child. A better income to provide the best schools, and other material possessions does not make a better home for a child. Money does not buy love, but there are many that think they can. A family that relies on the help of others in the raising of their children, relies on the generosity of others and sacrifices to provide, does not make them bad parents.
I would like to know your views.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I do not know either family and have no personal experience with either of them. All I "know" is what was written in the media, which I think slants articles and persuades the public right or wrong when needed. The case was presented as the He's, a Chinese family attempting to make their way in America, had a baby girl who was premature. Jack He, the father, was fighting his own legal battles and they needed help. According to written articles they placed Anna in foster care until they could get on their feet financially. This was to be temporary and later I read until Anna reached the age of 18. This sounded odd to me, but I also had to remember that there is a language barrier as well. I wish not to argue whether the He's could speak and write in English or understand, but what concerns me is the legalese that is used. I speak English and was brought up in the US and for the life of me, I can not always understand the legal wording of documents.
As I would read the stories presented in the media, I did not feel inclined either way towards which family would be best for Anna. The media painted a picture though. The Bakers were wealthier than the He's and could provide more for Anna. That does not make them better parents. From one news media article they print: "The Bakers live in a five-bedroom, 4,800-square-foot home in the Davies Plantation area east of town. Their $414,000 house sits on more than an acre of rolling Tennessee hills. There are colorful play sets in the well-groomed backyard. Inside there is a media room with surround sound and a 53-inch TV, a Jacuzzi and a central vacuum system." I think, "who cares?" Obviously the media and the courts care. In the same article this is printed: "The Bakers began caring for Anna Mae on Feb. 23, 1999, and the Hes say they visited their daughter at least once a week. When the three months ended, they still were not able to care for Anna Mae. Mid-South Christian Services could no longer handle their case because the agency's supervision is limited to 90 days in temporary custody cases. So the two couples negotiated the next step on their own." And this: "Over the next year, the Hes say they continued to visit Anna Mae and told the Bakers they wanted her back. They say Jerry Baker asked that the arrangements stay in place until his then-pregnant wife gave birth to her own child." and this: "But the Bakers say in court documents that the Hes abandoned Anna Mae by not visiting enough and failing to pay child support. For the past year, the Bakers have refused the Hes' official requests to give Anna Mae back. Last month, the Bakers insisted, through Parrish, that Mister He take a DNA test to prove that he was Anna Mae's father. The test proved that he is."
In another news media article this was written: "But things only got worse for the struggling couple. In April 1999, a month before their custody was to end, He was arrested in the sexual assault case. The Bakers agreed to continue caring for Anna Mae—but only if they were named the child's guardians, which would give them full parental rights. The Hes agreed, they say, but without realizing the agreement could only be reversed by court order. "If we had known that by signing custody to the Bakers we would end up in court, facing termination of parental rights, we never would have signed it," says Jack, who now works at a Chinese restaurant. The Hes visited Anna Mae some 80 times before tensions flared. "The more Jack and Casey wanted to visit their daughter," says one of their pro bono attorneys, David Siegel, "the greater resistance they received from the Bakers." (As evidence, Siegel points to a journal that Louise kept.) In April 2000 and April 2001 the Hes petitioned to regain custody of Anna Mae but were turned down because of their unresolved legal problems. Then, on Jan.28, 2001, Anna Mae's second birthday, the Bakers denied the Hes' request to take their daughter for a family portrait, saying she was ill. The Hes refused to leave without her, prompting the Bakers to call the police. Intimidated, the Hes, who say they feared they would be arrested, didn't try to visit for a period of four months—which may constitute legal abandonment in Tennessee—and the Bakers went to court seeking to terminate the Hes' parental rights and formally adopt Anna Mae. Once, while shopping last December, the Hes happened to spot Anna Mae, who was with two of the Bakers' daughters, Hope and Aimee. According to Hope, 18, Casey put her hands on Anna Mae and screamed, "That's my baby!" Such incidents fuel the Bakers' contention that the Hes are emotionally unstable."
As I stated before, I do not know either family, have never met them and know nothing about the case, except for what was written in the media and from reading some court documents. I do have some concerns though. At first I was slanted towards the Baker's as they obviously could provide a better home and environment for Anna Mae. By all media accounts she seemed to be doing well with the Baker's as well. The He's were painted very poorly as well, as Jack He had some accusations against him and seemed to have some financial difficulties and the perception that the Chinese only want male children. I believe this was carefully depicted by the media slant on the story.
A few things I found from reading court documents was that Louise Baker was born in 1961. This should make her 47 years old. In 1989 she underwent a tubal ligation after the birth of their third child. If my math is correct, this should make this child 19 years old. In 1998, (this would make Mrs. Baker 37 yrs old) the Baker's decided they wanted another child and Mrs. Baker underwent a reversal of her tubal ligation. The Bakers considered adopting a child, but they wanted to try to have a child of their own first. The Bakers previously submitted a “Foster Home Application” to Mid-South in 1997. In response to the question “Why are you interested in providing a foster home?” on the application, the Bakers responded by stating, in relevant part, that they “were first interested in adoption of a newborn, but thought we would try foster care of newborns for a couple of years.”According to Mrs. Baker, they were considering adoption, and serving as foster parents allowed them to decide if adoption was something they wanted to pursue. After submitting their application, the Bakers began serving as foster parents for Mid-South. I also believe that the Baker's did have another child as well, because news reports state that they had a daughter born the year after they took in Anna Mae.
What concerns me and bothers me about this case is that from media reports this case did not present like a foster family wanting to adopt a child, but a custody case when the issue of custody was not a point. Mrs. Baker kept a notebook detailing visits, dates, time, length of stay and gifts brought for Anna Mae. In one article this was stated: "The Hes continued to visit Anna Mae regularly for about an hour a week. Louise Baker began to keep a diary in which she documented the Hes' visits to Anna Mae, writing down when the visits were, how long they lasted, how the Hes interacted with Anna Mae, and what gifts they gave her. In October 1999, friction began when the Hes wanted to take Anna Mae out of the Bakers' home and the Bakers refused. Louise Baker wrote "We would like to get visits to every other week. We feel like they would wean away, but the last 2 visits we could see Casey is wanting to come more." In November 1999, Jack He told Jerry Baker they wanted to regain custody of Anna Mae. Jerry replied that they did not want to give up Anna Mae and that Louise was pregnant and he didn't want her to miscarry. The Hes contacted the juvenile court officer several times during these months complaining about problems with visitation and talking about wanting to get custody back." My questions are do the agencies that you are are foster parent with require or suggest that you keep a notebook of visits with such detail? Was there an underlying motive in the keeping of the notebook? If there is no requirement or suggestion, then I must presume that there was an underlying motive.
From all accounts that I have read, the Baker's were foster parents without the promise or hope that they could adopt Anna Mae. I believe they used the legal system and the He's inability to completely understand the English and legal language and their fear that they would be arrested if they sought to visit Anna Mae as a way to legally terminate the He's parental rights. These manipulative actions are the same actions that alienating parents use against target parents.
Other news reports stated that Anna Mae did not want to learn the Chinese language and that she thought she was Mexican. I immediately thought that the Baker's were denying Anna Mae her heritage. This immediately sent up a red flag for me. Had the Baker's adopted a child internationally that was not of their race, what would they have told this child? A white American couple adopting a child that is not of their white race they can not easily deny or lie to a child that they were not adopted. How were they going to explain to her when she got older? Unless the truth was told, the lie would eventually come out. I think children that are adopted will eventually seek their heritage, sometimes just for answers or who they look like. This provides closure.
I think the Baker's were a family that wanted another child and they went though several avenues to achieve this. A tubal ligation was reversed, adoption was an option and they fostered children. I applaud them for wanting to provide a home for a child. The He's were disadvantaged financially and more. Casey He wanted her daughter and I do not think she intended for Anna Mae to be adopted or if she did to lose contact with Anna Mae. She may have wanted more than she could provide and I think every parent wants that. There is a line that was crossed in this agreement and I think the Baker's exploited this line. I believe they used everything possible to gain custody of a child, that was not theirs to begin with. They used the best interest of the child against the He's, they did everything possible to forbid visitation and to encourage the He's to back off. They denied Anna Mae her heritage. Somehow this was to be better for Anna Mae.
In closing I would like to point out a few things. A larger home with all the current technologies and toys does not make a better home for a child. A better income to provide the best schools, and other material possessions does not make a better home for a child. Money does not buy love, but there are many that think they can. A family that relies on the help of others in the raising of their children, relies on the generosity of others and sacrifices to provide, does not make them bad parents.
I would like to know your views.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wonderful Poem
Today like every other day, I was checking my stats to see how and why people land to my blog. Some days I find interesting keywords or I notice a trend of keywords and then that gives me ideas about a new subject. I also check to see what other external links that are clicked that I have posted on my blog. I put those there because I feel they can have some helpful information. Well today I saw an exit link that I did not recognize, so I clicked it and took a look around and found this wonderful poem written by another mother. She had a "pass this to all your friends" link, so I sure hope that she does not mind that I used her poem as an entry today. I had written a poem for my son, but it fails in comparison to what she wrote. As a target parent, I understand the pain of not being able to see my son. I get frustrated that the system fails and does not protect the bonds between parents and their children. I get angry that everything I do for my son is criticized by his father and used to further alienate my son.
So please check out this poem and take a look around her page. She has some great poetry and her son has the cutest smile.
The poem: http://caring4you.net/james/custody.html
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
So please check out this poem and take a look around her page. She has some great poetry and her son has the cutest smile.
The poem: http://caring4you.net/james/custody.html
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving, why?
http://www.patswebgraphics.com/
As we enter the holiday season of Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year, this can be a very difficult time for parents who are separated from their children because of parental alienation. They may have a court order that states they have holiday visitation, but they may not get to spend time with their children because the alienating parent interferes once again. It is difficult enough that target parents have weekend visitations taken away or interfered with, but the holiday interference really puts the icing on the cake so to speak. Holidays are stressful enough without the added aggravation. Perhaps it is the notion that we spend hours making the perfect dinner and everyone gathers around a table to eat and we share special moments isn't all that it is cracked up to be.
The three main triggers for depression and stress during the holidays are finances, physical demands and relationships. As a mother, I want to have the so called perfect holidays be it with the meal, decorations or the gift giving. With the state of the economy right now, this places demands and stresses to do what I can with less. These demands, although stressful, I can handle. I get excited being to save and being creative. Some of the demands are self induced be it doing more than one can afford, not knowing when to say no or trying to buy expensive needless gifts. I have always thought that the holidays are about family and about gifts from the heart. So this brings me to relationships.
The holidays can be a painful reminder of the death of a loved one who has passed during the holiday season. They can also be painful that you may be alone or if a target parent, that you are unable to spend the holiday time with your children. If a loved one has recently died or you aren't able to be with your loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness or grief. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.
So as we enter the holiday season, I ask Happy Thanksgiving, why? I do not get to spend time with my son. I cannot even hear his voice. As usual, my phone calls go answered, messages that are left are ignored. In this age of technology, the emails and text messages left are also ignored. So I can be depressed or I can think of what I am thankful for.
I am thankful that I have a job. I am thankful that I am not homeless and that I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in and clean clothes to wear. I am thankful that I can prepare a meal today and have the ability to share. I am thankful that I do not have to worry when my next meal will be. I am thankful to have friends that are supportive, even when I have been very difficult. I am thankful that I am not in a hospital right now because of some illness. I am thankful that my son is healthy and alive. I am thankful that I have the freedom to express my feelings and thoughts and the capacity to do so.
So in closing for today, realize that target parents may very well be somewhat down today and for the next several weeks. It is a difficult time for them.
I pray that one day not another parent will ever have to experience the pain and heartbreak of parental alienation.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Understanding the Obsessive Alienator part 1
As a target parent myself, I am constantly trying to understand the dynamics of what makes the obsessed alienator tick. My simple answer is that my ex is a jerk who wants revenge for some perceived wrong that I did to him. That really does not explain why either. As for other parents who read this blog, they want to know why their alienating spouse or ex spouse is participating in these behaviors as well. For those that read this blog who have never experienced parental alienation, they may be wanting to understand as well. To preface this, I must say that I do not think that most can comprehend why the obsessed alienator behaves the way they do and that the obsessed alienator cannot give definitive reasoning with solid and undisputed facts to support their actions.
I believe that the obsessed alienator has characteristics of either a personality disorder or some emotional disorder. I believe that the obsessed alienator tends to either fall within the clinical descriptions for narcissism, sociopath or psychopath or may even possess characteristics of each of these disorders.
Obsessed alienators will use an array of tactics to "win". These tactics could be, but are not limited to; excessive litigation, alienating the child against the target parent, employing others in malicious actions against their ex spouse, lying, deception, false allegations of abuse and interference with visitation with the target parent. Theses actions could be repeated reports to child services for abuse. They will enlist the help of others to make these reports as well. They may go as far as taking the child to medical professionals, that have never had seen the child, and make accusations of abuse. They may contact teachers and remind them that they have a duty to report abuse and may even appear aggressive in their suggestions. Seeking the aid of other medical professionals and teachers can be done in the process of the initial alienation or after the alienating parent has exhausted their means through their own reports and reports made by the concerned friends and family that support the alienating parent. Lies could include allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, allegations of abuse against the child and mental instability alleged against the target parent to authorities. These allegations could also be made against a supportive partner of the target parent. With each allegation, there is some form of expense involved for the target parent. These can include court appearances and attorney fees. The obsessed alienator will impede visitation and use a number of tactics to prevent contact and will be persistent in their efforts. These can include phone calls not being answered or messages returned, disconnected phone numbers, email interference, postal mail not being delivered, refusal to cooperate in letting the other parent know about school functions, refusal to allow the other parent to have copies of school pictures and much more.
I believe that these tactics are used in a quest by the alienating parent to strip the target parent of their parental rights. They are not content with just winning custody, but want the other parent completely eliminated from the child's life. This is more than just denying the child or children access to the other parent, this is done to eliminate the other parent. It is done to make them non existent.
Today I will focus on the narcissist personality. I could write several pages describing this, but I will assume that you, as a reader, has suspicions or some knowledge of the narcissistic personality.
I believe that the obsessed alienator has characteristics of either a personality disorder or some emotional disorder. I believe that the obsessed alienator tends to either fall within the clinical descriptions for narcissism, sociopath or psychopath or may even possess characteristics of each of these disorders.
Obsessed alienators will use an array of tactics to "win". These tactics could be, but are not limited to; excessive litigation, alienating the child against the target parent, employing others in malicious actions against their ex spouse, lying, deception, false allegations of abuse and interference with visitation with the target parent. Theses actions could be repeated reports to child services for abuse. They will enlist the help of others to make these reports as well. They may go as far as taking the child to medical professionals, that have never had seen the child, and make accusations of abuse. They may contact teachers and remind them that they have a duty to report abuse and may even appear aggressive in their suggestions. Seeking the aid of other medical professionals and teachers can be done in the process of the initial alienation or after the alienating parent has exhausted their means through their own reports and reports made by the concerned friends and family that support the alienating parent. Lies could include allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, allegations of abuse against the child and mental instability alleged against the target parent to authorities. These allegations could also be made against a supportive partner of the target parent. With each allegation, there is some form of expense involved for the target parent. These can include court appearances and attorney fees. The obsessed alienator will impede visitation and use a number of tactics to prevent contact and will be persistent in their efforts. These can include phone calls not being answered or messages returned, disconnected phone numbers, email interference, postal mail not being delivered, refusal to cooperate in letting the other parent know about school functions, refusal to allow the other parent to have copies of school pictures and much more.
I believe that these tactics are used in a quest by the alienating parent to strip the target parent of their parental rights. They are not content with just winning custody, but want the other parent completely eliminated from the child's life. This is more than just denying the child or children access to the other parent, this is done to eliminate the other parent. It is done to make them non existent.
Today I will focus on the narcissist personality. I could write several pages describing this, but I will assume that you, as a reader, has suspicions or some knowledge of the narcissistic personality.
Narcissists will and do contradict everything they say, but will do it in such a way, that you will question your own sanity. They will contradict things that you know as fact, things you have experienced together and even contradict their explanations. You cannot reason with a narcissist and I would not suggest trying. You have to keep precise notes and if at all possible, have another person with you on any contact that you will have that can serve as a witness to what was said. You will not win a he said, she said argument with a narcissus. Narcissists do not feel empathy and will feign sympathy to gain your "trust". The more one opens up to a narcissist, the more the narcissist has as tools against you.
Narcissists are competitive and envious. They believe they deserve more and could do whatever project better. In my experience of living with a narcissistic I found that I was told how to dress, behave and how to have my home present as the narcissist is always trying to live up to some perceived idea of success. The phrase that comes to mind is "keeping up with the Joneses". We had to fit this idealistic perception that we were of some social class, some upper class society. This is where one can alienate a narcissist by questioning them. The narcissistic can appear and even talk in social circles that are out of their league, but further questioning will bring the truth. A narcissus does not want to be found that their projection is a lie. Of course doing this brings the wrath that only a narcissistic person can deliver.
Narcissists are critical of personal criticism, but are very critical of others. One thing that comes to mind is the hurricanes that hit, especially Katrina. My ex's attitude was that these people that lived so close to the coast knew of the dangers and it is their fault. If you have criticized a narcissus, then you are well aware of the wrath you will receive. Criticism also puts them at a disadvantage and you can use this to your advantage. You just have to listen very well and keep very detailed notes and or recordings.
Narcissists are sarcastic and attempt to use sarcasm as their joking mechanism. Comments I have heard my ex say to his mother, myself and in the background when talking to my son were: The cookies are burnt on the bottom, must be they are done, Oh look she burnt dinner again, Dinner is not done till the roast is burnt and much more. This is their idea of humor and it is always at the expense of another.
Narcissists feel they are entitled to things. Be it a better job, house and possessions. To gain these material attributes they will lie and steal to achieve this perception. Do not expect a narcissist to be overindulgent with you after they have captured the prey though. Perception to others that they are better and have more is important to them. I could further elaborate on my personal experiences, but will refrain at this moment. Suffice it as my ex has records of theft, embezzlement and forgery, all of which are public record.
Narcissists are manipulative, cunning, deceitful, controlling, charming and persistent. If they feel they can win you over and gain something or take something from you, they will stop at nothing to reach their goal.
Although this may not help you understand many things, remember that once you were dazzled by your ex's behavior, demeanor and bullshit. They captured your attention and love and you gave your all to them. They did not return the level of love that you gave them and they are doing the same to your child. Only when you realized the lies and deceptions could you separate yourself and it took time to realize this. Your child will too one day realize this as well. When? I cannot answer that. You have to have faith that your child or children will eventually get tired of being held hostage in mind, soul and body, just like you did.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Monday, November 10, 2008
To My Son
When you were born,
I received the most precious gift.
I willingly and lovingly
wanted to provide for you a home
where you felt safe and happy,
a home built on a foundation of
security, respect, and hope.
I wanted to be there
to catch you when you fell
share your successes
and encourage your dreams.
I wanted to be there to comfort your tears
and share your laughter.
I have tried to help you see
the roses among the thorns in life
and that they are there for you to pick,
I have tired to earn and keep
your treasured trust.
I have loved and will continue to love
being your parent.
And remember, if you need me,
I will always be just
a thought away.
And yes, my son,
you will always have my
unconditional love....forever.
Authored by Steven H. Waller 2005
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Time for change
It is time for a change in the family law area regarding the custody of minor children. I most certainly do not have the answers nor do I have every idea possible to prevent the abuse of children by the courts and by parents who are obsessed with alienating the affection of their children from the other parent. I can only offer some suggestions and do not know how these suggestions could be implemented to protect the children and the parents affected by parental alienation.
I have never entertained the thought of obtaining a prenuptial agreement. Had this been suggested to me prior to my marriage, my first impression would have been that my spouse may not take marriage seriously and that divorce may be something they could foresee. Marriage in my mind was a commitment made and was for better or worse, not for when something better comes along. I also thought prenuptial agreements were for the rich and famous, not for some young couple struggling to set up a home. I have given some thought to this and after my own personal doubts as to motive why one would be a good idea, I have this to offer.
A prenuptial agreement would provide a binding legal contract with the courts concerning the distribution of personal property and financial assets brought into and acquired during the marriage. This would stop all the nit picking arguments in court about possessions and could speed up the divorce case and possibly save some money in the process. Prenuptial agreements also have to be fair so that one spouse is not left destitute. Of course full disclosure of all assets is a must. If the soon to be spouse hesitates at the idea of fairness, then I would say forget marrying this person. I also believe that having a prenuptial agreement could prevent some power plays by a controlling partner. For example, if you let me have this, I will not fight for sole custody of the children. I would rather not suggest what a prenuptial agreement should have stated, but would rather suggest that one seek legal guidance.
I believe that that pre-marital counseling or education classes be mandatory prior to marriage. In this article:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=weblog&id=82&wlid=6&cn=289
It states: “A nice article in the Journal of Family Psychology (March 2006, Vol. 20, No. 1, 117-126) by research psychologist Scott Stanley, titled "Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability: Findings From a Large, Random Household Survey" presents evidence from a four state survey of over 3000 homes (representing a wide range of economic, ethic and cultural groupings in Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas and Kansas) that pre-marital counseling helps to make marriages healthy and strong. If this finding was ever in doubt, it should no longer be. “ “Couples in the survey that participated in pre-marital counseling were, on average, 31% less likely to divorce in any given year of their marriage than couples who did not benefit from this counseling. They were also more likely than un-counseled couples to report higher marital satisfaction, lower marital conflict and greater levels of commitment.”
Hire a competent attorney who understands what parental alienation is. I think this is one area where you get what you pay for. Do not base your choice by the amount of the retainer and fees. Also get a fee schedule from your attorney. I would ask others for recommendations of attorneys and ask why they recommend them. Do not be afraid to fire your attorney, if they are not doing the job you expect them to do. You will have to lay out more money to do this, but you cannot be standing there on the day your divorce is to be final and realize you have been screwed. This is from personal experience.
Mediation should be the route for most divorces and custody cases. You feel empowered as you have a say in the outcome of your case. The problem with mediation is that there is a compromise that will and must take place for mediation to work. In cases where one parent is the obsessed alienator, mediation will never work. The obsessed alienator will refuse to budge on issues and will bully you. The obsessed alienator will maintain control.
Prior to any divorce with a custody issue, there should be mandatory parenting and or counseling classes, where both parents must attend together. I am not sure of the mandated states that require this or of the mandated sessions that are required. I think a minimum of a 12 week in depth parenting with counseling sessions should be required. I am sure many would think that this is too much and some may be thinking 12 more weeks that I must interact with my soon to be ex. This is not about you, but about your children.
I also think that custody orders should spell out exact times, dates and locations for visitation, as well as who is responsible for transportation. The typical every other weekend and Wednesday night visitation leaves much to the obsessed alienators mind to interpret. They will unilaterally interpret the orders based on their own actions and motives. I also think that custody orders have provisions that spell out that each parent is should be free from derogatory actions, claims and words from the other parent. It should also spell out the ramifications of such actions. A custody order should also state that all communications between the father and mother be in writing, with a copy sent to each of their attorney’s and also the guardian ad litem. This will prevent any he said, she said issues. Of course I could suggest several more options, but they will mean nothing unless the judges hearing these cases uphold the law and provide relief for the parents that are alienated from their children. Interference by a parent that prevents visitation, parenting responsibilities, or access to their child’s activities should be punished and not just by a slap on the wrist.
Lastly, child protective services need to realize that in the context of high conflict divorces and custody cases, they must be aware that false allegations of abuse will be alleged. I understand that people that make allegations are protected from making a false report if they believe that the allegation is true. CPS needs to discover the relationship between the person making the accusation and the accused. If you have not had contact with the accuser in years, how can they be a reliable source for information? Therefore, CPS needs to ask where they got the information and prosecute these people that make allegations falsely.
Of course nothing will change until people involved with the issues of child custody understand that parental alienation occurs. Counseling will help those parents who are naïve and active alienators, but I do not think there is much that can be done in that aspect for the obsessed alienator. This is why the judges need to have some backbone and punish the obsessed alienators. The current punishments are not enough to deter them. This is what needs to change.
Not one or all of these issues will ever change the outcome for parents and children targeted by the obsessed alienator. Education is the key for those in power to realize that this exists. Sadly, I feel that until one of those in power experiences the tragedy of parental alienation will things ever change.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I have never entertained the thought of obtaining a prenuptial agreement. Had this been suggested to me prior to my marriage, my first impression would have been that my spouse may not take marriage seriously and that divorce may be something they could foresee. Marriage in my mind was a commitment made and was for better or worse, not for when something better comes along. I also thought prenuptial agreements were for the rich and famous, not for some young couple struggling to set up a home. I have given some thought to this and after my own personal doubts as to motive why one would be a good idea, I have this to offer.
A prenuptial agreement would provide a binding legal contract with the courts concerning the distribution of personal property and financial assets brought into and acquired during the marriage. This would stop all the nit picking arguments in court about possessions and could speed up the divorce case and possibly save some money in the process. Prenuptial agreements also have to be fair so that one spouse is not left destitute. Of course full disclosure of all assets is a must. If the soon to be spouse hesitates at the idea of fairness, then I would say forget marrying this person. I also believe that having a prenuptial agreement could prevent some power plays by a controlling partner. For example, if you let me have this, I will not fight for sole custody of the children. I would rather not suggest what a prenuptial agreement should have stated, but would rather suggest that one seek legal guidance.
I believe that that pre-marital counseling or education classes be mandatory prior to marriage. In this article:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=weblog&id=82&wlid=6&cn=289
It states: “A nice article in the Journal of Family Psychology (March 2006, Vol. 20, No. 1, 117-126) by research psychologist Scott Stanley, titled "Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability: Findings From a Large, Random Household Survey" presents evidence from a four state survey of over 3000 homes (representing a wide range of economic, ethic and cultural groupings in Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas and Kansas) that pre-marital counseling helps to make marriages healthy and strong. If this finding was ever in doubt, it should no longer be. “ “Couples in the survey that participated in pre-marital counseling were, on average, 31% less likely to divorce in any given year of their marriage than couples who did not benefit from this counseling. They were also more likely than un-counseled couples to report higher marital satisfaction, lower marital conflict and greater levels of commitment.”
Hire a competent attorney who understands what parental alienation is. I think this is one area where you get what you pay for. Do not base your choice by the amount of the retainer and fees. Also get a fee schedule from your attorney. I would ask others for recommendations of attorneys and ask why they recommend them. Do not be afraid to fire your attorney, if they are not doing the job you expect them to do. You will have to lay out more money to do this, but you cannot be standing there on the day your divorce is to be final and realize you have been screwed. This is from personal experience.
Mediation should be the route for most divorces and custody cases. You feel empowered as you have a say in the outcome of your case. The problem with mediation is that there is a compromise that will and must take place for mediation to work. In cases where one parent is the obsessed alienator, mediation will never work. The obsessed alienator will refuse to budge on issues and will bully you. The obsessed alienator will maintain control.
Prior to any divorce with a custody issue, there should be mandatory parenting and or counseling classes, where both parents must attend together. I am not sure of the mandated states that require this or of the mandated sessions that are required. I think a minimum of a 12 week in depth parenting with counseling sessions should be required. I am sure many would think that this is too much and some may be thinking 12 more weeks that I must interact with my soon to be ex. This is not about you, but about your children.
I also think that custody orders should spell out exact times, dates and locations for visitation, as well as who is responsible for transportation. The typical every other weekend and Wednesday night visitation leaves much to the obsessed alienators mind to interpret. They will unilaterally interpret the orders based on their own actions and motives. I also think that custody orders have provisions that spell out that each parent is should be free from derogatory actions, claims and words from the other parent. It should also spell out the ramifications of such actions. A custody order should also state that all communications between the father and mother be in writing, with a copy sent to each of their attorney’s and also the guardian ad litem. This will prevent any he said, she said issues. Of course I could suggest several more options, but they will mean nothing unless the judges hearing these cases uphold the law and provide relief for the parents that are alienated from their children. Interference by a parent that prevents visitation, parenting responsibilities, or access to their child’s activities should be punished and not just by a slap on the wrist.
Lastly, child protective services need to realize that in the context of high conflict divorces and custody cases, they must be aware that false allegations of abuse will be alleged. I understand that people that make allegations are protected from making a false report if they believe that the allegation is true. CPS needs to discover the relationship between the person making the accusation and the accused. If you have not had contact with the accuser in years, how can they be a reliable source for information? Therefore, CPS needs to ask where they got the information and prosecute these people that make allegations falsely.
Of course nothing will change until people involved with the issues of child custody understand that parental alienation occurs. Counseling will help those parents who are naïve and active alienators, but I do not think there is much that can be done in that aspect for the obsessed alienator. This is why the judges need to have some backbone and punish the obsessed alienators. The current punishments are not enough to deter them. This is what needs to change.
Not one or all of these issues will ever change the outcome for parents and children targeted by the obsessed alienator. Education is the key for those in power to realize that this exists. Sadly, I feel that until one of those in power experiences the tragedy of parental alienation will things ever change.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Monday, November 03, 2008
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
As a target parent I get frustrated with the system for allowing this atrocity to continue. No child or parent should ever have to be separated due to the malicious actions of another adult. There is no excuse for this.
I decided to add the Serenity prayer today because sometimes target parents get lost in the chaos of their case. We know we cannot change things, but really wish we could and wish we were not having to pray for a change.
So will researching the Serenity prayer I came across this site: http://www.allaboutprayer.org/serenity-prayer.htm
"Serenity Prayer: What does it mean?This beautiful prayer was written by a man named Reinhold Niebuhr in 1943. The words have special meaning to those who are often “looking for peace” at a time of turmoil, despair, or uncertainty in their lives. This prayer has become closely associated with 12 Step programs, offering strength and calm in pursuit of a more stable life. "
Well this is not a 12 step program, but I think the prayer has merit for what target parents experience and can be comforting as well.
I found this to be very true:
"Serenity Prayer: How do I put this into practice? Perseverance and successes aren’t born out of good times. They are born out of trials."
This hit home with me, as I have been tried many times, for what I wondered Lord, how much more can I handle? Since my son was born, I have faced many difficult times. I heard that God never gives you more than you can handle and many times I have questioned him. Things happen for a reason and we may not know why. Hardships make a person stronger.
If nothing else, persevere in your efforts to have contact with your child or children. Send emails, cards, letters, or text messages. They may go unanswered, but your child may read them. They need to know that you love them and think of them.
Keep the strength to continue your quest for what you believe is right for your child.
Never give up hope.
So on this eve of the Presidential election, where the hope for change is the message, tell me what change will come for families experiencing parental alienation?
Saturday, November 01, 2008
1200 days and counting
Well today is past 1200 days since my son said "I love you" to me. It really does not matter if I made this entry yesterday, today, and tomorrow, next week or next month. The fact remains that I have not heard those words uttered from his mouth in relevance to his feelings towards me. It is heartbreaking to say the least. I also know that he is at an age that these so called words are difficult to articulate at times. It still does not take away the pain that he can easily articulate them to the alienating parent. One could ask if I was jealous of that. I want my son to love both of his parents.
One of the issues I would like to touch upon today is what a target parent is. A target parent is a parent that the other parent has decided that they will ruin, no matter the cost. With the attitude of "no matter the cost", they usually take prisoner of the child's or children's mind in a contested divorce that involves custody of the minor children. The child or children are forced to make a decision that no child should ever have to make. They have to decide whom they will side with. With that decision comes the so called love and adoration from the alienating parent and the desperation, frustration and helplessness of the target parent.
Please do not think that a target parent is some vulnerable and feeble minded person. Do not confuse their frustration with being insecure. Do not confuse their desperation with hopelessness. Do not confuse their anger with hostility. Do not confuse their aloofness with acceptance. Unless you are a target parent or know what a target parent experiences, you can not imagine how it feels to call your child and to have that call go unanswered. You can not imagine how it feels to leave message after message to not be returned or acknowledged. You can not imagine how it feels when you know you should be able to have phone contact and the message service comes on immediately, indicating the phone is turned off; when by court order it should be on, because this is YOUR court allotted time for a phone call. You can not imagine how it feels to find that your child's cell phone number has been disconnected for the third time because you found the new numbers. You can not imagine the desperation a target parent feels because they cannot have access to their child, their schooling, their school pictures or anything a parent would wish to participate in or have a memento of. You can not imagine the emotion the target parent feels when all they are trying to do is to be a parent and they are met with brick walls and road blocks by the alienating parent and the courts.
Fathers and Mothers have been persecuted by the courts for being loving parents by the malevolent actions from alienating parents. It is time that the courts and anyone else involved in the custody issues of minor child find the intestinal fortitude to ward off the evil manipulations by the alienating parent and all who support them.
With this I ask you, have you hugged your son or daughter today and let them know that you loved them? I would, but I cannot do that.
Become an advocate, educate yourself about parental alienation, fight the abuse and let others know that parental alienation is abuse.
Parental alienation is abuse! Fight the abuse!
One of the issues I would like to touch upon today is what a target parent is. A target parent is a parent that the other parent has decided that they will ruin, no matter the cost. With the attitude of "no matter the cost", they usually take prisoner of the child's or children's mind in a contested divorce that involves custody of the minor children. The child or children are forced to make a decision that no child should ever have to make. They have to decide whom they will side with. With that decision comes the so called love and adoration from the alienating parent and the desperation, frustration and helplessness of the target parent.
Please do not think that a target parent is some vulnerable and feeble minded person. Do not confuse their frustration with being insecure. Do not confuse their desperation with hopelessness. Do not confuse their anger with hostility. Do not confuse their aloofness with acceptance. Unless you are a target parent or know what a target parent experiences, you can not imagine how it feels to call your child and to have that call go unanswered. You can not imagine how it feels to leave message after message to not be returned or acknowledged. You can not imagine how it feels when you know you should be able to have phone contact and the message service comes on immediately, indicating the phone is turned off; when by court order it should be on, because this is YOUR court allotted time for a phone call. You can not imagine how it feels to find that your child's cell phone number has been disconnected for the third time because you found the new numbers. You can not imagine the desperation a target parent feels because they cannot have access to their child, their schooling, their school pictures or anything a parent would wish to participate in or have a memento of. You can not imagine the emotion the target parent feels when all they are trying to do is to be a parent and they are met with brick walls and road blocks by the alienating parent and the courts.
Fathers and Mothers have been persecuted by the courts for being loving parents by the malevolent actions from alienating parents. It is time that the courts and anyone else involved in the custody issues of minor child find the intestinal fortitude to ward off the evil manipulations by the alienating parent and all who support them.
With this I ask you, have you hugged your son or daughter today and let them know that you loved them? I would, but I cannot do that.
Become an advocate, educate yourself about parental alienation, fight the abuse and let others know that parental alienation is abuse.
Parental alienation is abuse! Fight the abuse!
Dear Son
I found a card the other day in the store and this really hits home. I do not see an author to give credit to.
Dear Son,
Ever since you were born I worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could be.
Did I make you feel important?
Did we find enough time for the little things that live on in happy memories---
like laughter, and hugs, and "just-between-us"moments?
And, even when we disagreed, did you always know I loved you?
Of all the things in my life that I might have or could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's the having you for a son....
If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it...
I'm proud to be your parent, and I love you, Son.
Dear Son,
Ever since you were born I worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could be.
Did I make you feel important?
Did we find enough time for the little things that live on in happy memories---
like laughter, and hugs, and "just-between-us"moments?
And, even when we disagreed, did you always know I loved you?
Of all the things in my life that I might have or could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's the having you for a son....
If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it...
I'm proud to be your parent, and I love you, Son.
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