Saturday, November 22, 2008

Understanding the Obsessive Alienator part 1

As a target parent myself, I am constantly trying to understand the dynamics of what makes the obsessed alienator tick. My simple answer is that my ex is a jerk who wants revenge for some perceived wrong that I did to him. That really does not explain why either. As for other parents who read this blog, they want to know why their alienating spouse or ex spouse is participating in these behaviors as well. For those that read this blog who have never experienced parental alienation, they may be wanting to understand as well. To preface this, I must say that I do not think that most can comprehend why the obsessed alienator behaves the way they do and that the obsessed alienator cannot give definitive reasoning with solid and undisputed facts to support their actions.

I believe that the obsessed alienator has characteristics of either a personality disorder or some emotional disorder. I believe that the obsessed alienator tends to either fall within the clinical descriptions for narcissism, sociopath or psychopath or may even possess characteristics of each of these disorders.

Obsessed alienators will use an array of tactics to "win". These tactics could be, but are not limited to; excessive litigation, alienating the child against the target parent, employing others in malicious actions against their ex spouse, lying, deception, false allegations of abuse and interference with visitation with the target parent. Theses actions could be repeated reports to child services for abuse. They will enlist the help of others to make these reports as well. They may go as far as taking the child to medical professionals, that have never had seen the child, and make accusations of abuse. They may contact teachers and remind them that they have a duty to report abuse and may even appear aggressive in their suggestions. Seeking the aid of other medical professionals and teachers can be done in the process of the initial alienation or after the alienating parent has exhausted their means through their own reports and reports made by the concerned friends and family that support the alienating parent. Lies could include allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, allegations of abuse against the child and mental instability alleged against the target parent to authorities. These allegations could also be made against a supportive partner of the target parent. With each allegation, there is some form of expense involved for the target parent. These can include court appearances and attorney fees. The obsessed alienator will impede visitation and use a number of tactics to prevent contact and will be persistent in their efforts. These can include phone calls not being answered or messages returned, disconnected phone numbers, email interference, postal mail not being delivered, refusal to cooperate in letting the other parent know about school functions, refusal to allow the other parent to have copies of school pictures and much more.

I believe that these tactics are used in a quest by the alienating parent to strip the target parent of their parental rights. They are not content with just winning custody, but want the other parent completely eliminated from the child's life. This is more than just denying the child or children access to the other parent, this is done to eliminate the other parent. It is done to make them non existent.

Today I will focus on the narcissist personality. I could write several pages describing this, but I will assume that you, as a reader, has suspicions or some knowledge of the narcissistic personality.

Narcissists will and do contradict everything they say, but will do it in such a way, that you will question your own sanity. They will contradict things that you know as fact, things you have experienced together and even contradict their explanations. You cannot reason with a narcissist and I would not suggest trying. You have to keep precise notes and if at all possible, have another person with you on any contact that you will have that can serve as a witness to what was said. You will not win a he said, she said argument with a narcissus. Narcissists do not feel empathy and will feign sympathy to gain your "trust". The more one opens up to a narcissist, the more the narcissist has as tools against you.

Narcissists are competitive and envious. They believe they deserve more and could do whatever project better. In my experience of living with a narcissistic I found that I was told how to dress, behave and how to have my home present as the narcissist is always trying to live up to some perceived idea of success. The phrase that comes to mind is "keeping up with the Joneses". We had to fit this idealistic perception that we were of some social class, some upper class society. This is where one can alienate a narcissist by questioning them. The narcissistic can appear and even talk in social circles that are out of their league, but further questioning will bring the truth. A narcissus does not want to be found that their projection is a lie. Of course doing this brings the wrath that only a narcissistic person can deliver.

Narcissists are critical of personal criticism, but are very critical of others. One thing that comes to mind is the hurricanes that hit, especially Katrina. My ex's attitude was that these people that lived so close to the coast knew of the dangers and it is their fault. If you have criticized a narcissus, then you are well aware of the wrath you will receive. Criticism also puts them at a disadvantage and you can use this to your advantage. You just have to listen very well and keep very detailed notes and or recordings.

Narcissists are sarcastic and attempt to use sarcasm as their joking mechanism. Comments I have heard my ex say to his mother, myself and in the background when talking to my son were: The cookies are burnt on the bottom, must be they are done, Oh look she burnt dinner again, Dinner is not done till the roast is burnt and much more. This is their idea of humor and it is always at the expense of another.

Narcissists feel they are entitled to things. Be it a better job, house and possessions. To gain these material attributes they will lie and steal to achieve this perception. Do not expect a narcissist to be overindulgent with you after they have captured the prey though. Perception to others that they are better and have more is important to them. I could further elaborate on my personal experiences, but will refrain at this moment. Suffice it as my ex has records of theft, embezzlement and forgery, all of which are public record.

Narcissists are manipulative, cunning, deceitful, controlling, charming and persistent. If they feel they can win you over and gain something or take something from you, they will stop at nothing to reach their goal.

Although this may not help you understand many things, remember that once you were dazzled by your ex's behavior, demeanor and bullshit. They captured your attention and love and you gave your all to them. They did not return the level of love that you gave them and they are doing the same to your child. Only when you realized the lies and deceptions could you separate yourself and it took time to realize this. Your child will too one day realize this as well. When? I cannot answer that. You have to have faith that your child or children will eventually get tired of being held hostage in mind, soul and body, just like you did.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!


  1. I love your last comment "You have to have faith that your child or children will eventually get tired of being held hostage in mind, soul and body, just like you did." I know this will happen for you, I pray every night that it will.

  2. Thank you for that comment. I have to have the faith that this will happen. Thank you for your prayers as well and please keep me in your prayers as well as the other alienated parents.

  3. alianated father know first hand of narcissistic grandparents and ex wife .Havent seen my girls christian and jade in three years.Grandparents very wealthy used the court system to brek me.a narcissist will sacrifice their on children to get what they want

  4. You have an excellent understanding of the narcisstic personality disorder. As a mother with her children I can only imagine the pain you must be going through right now. I pray that you get your son back very soon. Never give up hope, have faith & stay strong.

  5. so how do we make the courts see it as well?

  6. I appreciate your perspective and your blogs. For I am the partner of a targeted parent whose children were abducted by their mother (an obsessed alienator)almost 14 years ago. It has been difficult to watch the suffering of their father who misses his children terribly. I have my own blog...Susan's Perspective, where I share my point of view as the partner of targeted parent and stepmom to his children. God Bless in Peace and Serenity, Susan Arendsee

  7. I love your blog! I found you on reaching higher ground. My daughter has been alienated by a rich and vengeful narcissist. The hard part is her girls are adults, 23 and 17, so who knows if they will ever "wake up"....I am going to forward your blog to her. I am starting her story in wordpress, but it is just that, her personal story. It is cathartic for me to write on her behalf.

  8. My husband's ex refuses to allow the children to meet me. We've been married three years and I have never met his children. It is completely out of the question. When he asks his children (16 and 13) they're response is identical to their mothers. "Why would I ever want to meet her?". Now the ex wife is no longer allowing my husband to see his kids. He constantly asks and she simply ignores him. He asks his kids who either ignore him or tell him to check with mom. It is sad. It breaks my husband's heart. But we just can't see spending thousands in legal fees to get a judge to order something that the kids don't want to do anyway since they are so brainwashed already. My advice to my husband is to never give up. Always try to see them and talk with them and maybe, just maybe one day they will grow up, have their own experiences in life and realize this was all wrong. I should mention his ex-wife had her own father leave their family when she was a toddler and never saw him. Her and her brothers actually changed their surname to their mom's maiden name when they became 18yrs old.

  9. I was married to an abusive narcissist for 27 yrs. Now he is bad mouthing me to my 41 yr old and my grandkids. They have fallin for his lies.....they all seem to accept daughter is almost anti woman.... Let alone a feminist. My ex stopped paying permanent spousal support to me.....and my daughter let him know I got an's emboldened him.