Friday, November 28, 2008

Actions speak louder than words

I attempt to post entries that are relevant to parental alienation, based on my own experiences and from the stories I hear from other parents. Many times I will come up with a new post based on what my recent keyword analysis has been that has lead one to my blog. I then attempt to gather my thoughts and write. I have had several keywords show up concerning personality disorders and how they ruin holidays, emotional abuse and false allegations of abuse.

I strongly believe that the alienating parent does suffer from a personality disorder, which I have written about in previous posts. I also believe that other target parents believe this as well. Proving this theory may be next to impossible though. I believe that people with the personality disorders, such as narcissism, are intelligent enough to take these mental exams and answer according to the normal society standards. I remember that both my ex spouse and I had to take this exam and he later told me what he wanted to answer for some of the questions but he didn't. Then he laughed in my face.

Some of the actions by the alienating parent are conscious and spoken to the child in their campaign to degrade the target parent. Other actions are subconscious and these unspoken actions have lasting effects. Actions speak louder than words.

Some things that come to mind that perhaps a reader could relate to are: you work with a team member that says they are for teamwork, but takes the credit for your work; a friend that says they will be there for you when needed but when you call they are busy and 'forget" to call you back; a sales person tells you what you need to hear to get the sale, but when you need customer service they claim they never said those things.

Alienating parents not only use degrading words to discredit the target parent, but they also use actions and those actions do speak louder than words. The alienating parent then also has an excuse to say they never said anything, which they didn't, but their actions spoke volumes.

The alienating parent may tell the child that their other parent does not care for them like they do. Repeating those words will not have the effect that the actions will have. The alienating parent will call the child to check up on them, not once, but several times a day. If the child is having fun with the target parent and does not answer their call, the alienating parent becomes frantic and will let the child know that they were so worried about them and not to let them worry like that again. The alienating parent may leave messages as well during the day and night to the child letting them know that they are thinking of them, they miss them and to contact them with any needs or concerns. The alienating parent will also tell them that the child can call them at any time and they will come and get them if needed. This constant phone contact keeps the child on edge and can even work in favor of the alienating parent. The child may want to call the alienating parent to tell them some great news and when the alienating parent does not answer, the child can become frantic that something terrible has happened. This is an example from my own personal experience. My son wanted to call his dad about something he did and his father did not answer the phone. Repeated calls went unanswered and my son freaked out. He started calling others that have contact with his dad asking where he was. When his dad finally answered he told him he left his cellphone in the car when he got out and was only gone a few minutes and he was sorry he missed his call. This action cemented into my son's mind that he needed to also protect his dad.

The alienating parent may verbally claim that the other parent does not feed the child. These claims can be made to child protective services as well. CPS can come and make their investigation and find that this allegation is false. The alienating parent will tell the child that the agency did not properly do their job. Their next move may be that when the child visits they bring groceries to the target parents home so the child has food to eat. There is no need for the extra food, but this is done by the alienating parent to cement the need by the child for the alienating parent. Again, these actions speak louder than words.

The alienating parent may make allegations that the target parent does not care for the child medically. They may take the child to medical professionals seeking assistance for a feigned problem that the accusation was the direct cause from the lack of care by the target parent. Of course there is no medical problem for the child, but the alienating parent is looking for a person that has the legal responsibility to make allegations of abuse against the target parent. When these actions do not result in the desired outcome, the alienating parent will tell others that these medical professionals were not doing their job.

When the target parent protests these invasions they are often told they are over reacting. Phone contact should be allowed and why are you trying to deny it? You are being ungrateful for the food brought to your home and this was done for you child. Are you denying the extra food for your child? You should be thankful that a medical problem was being addressed, are you denying medical care? This is how the alienating parents operates. The attorneys and judges look at the objections by the target parent to these intrusions and explanations that are part of the campaign of parental alienation and tell the target parent to lighten up.

Those in authority,that can put a stop to parental alienation, must realize that it is a collection of words and behaviors, conscious and subconscious, by the alienating parent and that the target parent is only trying to maintain a relationship with their children. Until then nothing will change.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!


  1. I follow you blog and I am shocked at times how the target parents could be interchangeable, with each other despite our backgrounds, or upbringing, social status ect.

    In other words your story could have been written by me and my story could have been written by someone on the other side of the world who is 100% different from who I am.

    Yet the bottom line is EXACTLY the same, alienating parents appear to have followed some insane how to book. They all exhibit the same undermining of the other parents abilities to parent. The all seem to share the same kind of abusive tactics, the covert manipulation as you have so cleverly pointed out above. They all send the same mixed message to the children that ONLY I CAN LOVE YOU and ONLY YOU CAN SAVE ME AND I CAN SAVE YOU FROM THAT MONSTER you call (the other parent- or whom ever it is that the alienator is targeting)

    Here is where that “madness in two” aka “Folie á Deux” comes into play in most dysfunctional families.

    Gardner wrote about this and other already included in the DSM diagnosis that can be used in place of the word PAS.

    So in my not so humble opinion, those in charge (psychologists/psychiatrists) KNOW the damage being done to alienated children, but the controversy from the women’s groups is causing further destruction to our children.

    The longer “they” claim it’s (PAS) junk science, the longer it will take to get real help for our children.

    As far as your opinion that “they” (alienating parents - who probably suffer from either Malignant Narcissism or are sociopaths) can fool the tests in place to diagnose them, I somewhat disagree. I believe that the skilled manipulator can usually get over for a while.. they usually have trouble being consistent. So testing that askes the same question in various ways SHOULD separate the honest test taker from the skilled manipulator.

    Now you’ve given me something else to research, gee thanks lol

    Keep on keeping on.


  2. Thank you Louise for your comment.

    You are correct that the stories told by target parents are interchangeable. It is the same story, but with different locations, dates and names of those involved. it is like watching a true to life movie where the disclaimer states that the story is based on true experiences but the names have been changed to protect the identities. There seems to be that some secret handbook titled "How to win custody and destroy the other parent and your children" exists.

    As for the tests given to disguinish if a personality disorder exists, I do think that the alienating parents do manipulate these tests and you are right that these tests should seperate the manipulator from the true test taker. The sad reality is the so called professionals that read the scores do know who the manipulator is but they gloss over the interpretation. In my case, the results of my ex's results and mine did show that my ex was not honest in his answers,and some other indications, but this is as far as the results went. No one seemed to care because I think they have this attitude that no parent is so called perfect and they would rather err on the side of caution.

    It is a catch 22. There are women's groups that argue that PAS does not exist and this junk science explanation is being used against them to take custody away. Then there are thousands of stories from parents repeating the same story over and over claiming that PAS does exist. The only common denominator between the two arguements is that there is a controlling, manipulative and deceitful person using the system to damage the children.

    Wow, this gave me an idea for another post.