I have been doing alot of thinking here lately. How to proceed to "tell my story", what to write about and how to go on with life with that empty hole that parental alienation leaves.
I recently experienced an unexpected death of a family member. It was quite a shock. It was not real until the day of the funeral. I will miss this person, but I also know that they will not be back to visit and will not have to wonder when the next time will be that I see them. A closure of sorts, I guess. In parental alienation, it is a death, but without closure. With death, you can be mad and angry that they left, but know they will never be back. You can visit them at their grave. You know the phone number you had for them is now disconnected, not because they avoid your calls, but because they are not there. With PA, you know your child is there, but refuses to answer. You worry about them and know if something happened, you may never know about it. There is no closure. Perhaps that means there is hope that they will one day see the light of truth, or mature enough to know better. You can only hope and pray that the lies they have been told, entice them to seek the truth one day.
This leads me to another thought as well. I will begin my journey into my PAS story today. First of all, I want to say there are three sides to every story out there. Her side, His side and between the two, the truth. Which party told more of the truth, is for those to figure out. There is no innocent person when it comes to parental alienation. One perpetrates knowingly and the other enables, many times unknowingly. I can refer to my story with documentation, notes, court documents, arrest records, police records and much more. I found that this diligence got me no where in the courts of law. I could impeach the credibility of my ex many times, but again it was futile. Somehow, it will eventually work out, or so I am told.
Stay tuned as I gather my thoughts for another post.
Showing posts with label obessed alienator. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obessed alienator. Show all posts
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sunday, March 08, 2009
more opinions about the PAS does not exist
I see I will have to write things that I wished I did not have to write, but I hope that it gives those that read this blog a better understanding of my opinions about parental alienation.
I grew up in what many call today a strict home. You went to school, you were expected to bring home grades according to your ability and pushed to achieved better, you went to church, you participated in the community, you were respectful to adults, you respected your parents authority, you knew you would be punished at school and then at home if you did anything wrong, you did not call adults by their first name, and I could go on.
I remember a few things about my childhood, such as family trips, spending time with my grandparents, going to church when I did not want to, getting grounded for bad grades and more.
One thing that does stick in my mind was when my parents were having a bad patch in their marriage. I remember my dad getting mad at my mother and yelling. I remember being packed up to go to our grandmothers' home to spend the night. I remember having to sleep on a small bed with my brother and remember not sleeping that night as well. I remember my mom saying our dad was mean and other things. I remember hating my dad that night because I could not sleep in my bed and had to stay at my grandmother's home. I loved my grandmother and enjoyed staying with her, but I did not like it this way.
Why did I hate my dad that night? Was it because I remember him yelling at my mom or was it because my mom "helped" me remember more things about my dad?
As I got older, I remember my mom complaining about my dad. He was mean, he beat her, he cheated on her. Mind you, I never saw him beat her or cheat on her and from what I knew of my dad, he was not the cheating type. Of course I could be wrong as well. Did he yell? Sure! Do I yell at times? Sure! Does that mean we abuse people? Raising my voice in frustration does not make me an abuser. Raising my voice, not knowing when to quit and taking that frustration and using swear words and using physical violence makes me abusive, but this I never did, nor did I see my dad do this.
The more my mom talked about divorcing my dad, the more I realized she was wanting me to hate him along with her. It was the "two against one" theory. I didn't hate my dad and even if he did all these bad things, I did not want to know about them. I just wanted to have my dad.
As I grew older and got out on my own and had my own interpersonal relationships, I started to realize that perhaps my mother was very controlling. She was protective as well, but where does that protective trait and controlling trait overlap? Was she trying to protect me from an abusive father or was she controlling my thoughts? I would later realize that my father was not the man she made him out to be. I would also suspect that perhaps my mom suffered from some personality disorder as well. I could not prove this, I could only surmise this from reading.
Bottom line is that I love both my parents, they have faults as well. I dislike that my mom tried to persuade me to hate my dad. They are both still my mom and dad though and I love both of them.
For parents that think they are protecting their children from abuse, when it actually is a control issue, be advised...children see things and remember things. I do not like what my ex did to me during our marriage and after, but that does not mean he is not the father of our son. Our son will still love both parents, we are the ones that made it possible for him to be here.
Stop trying to place your children in the middle of your own cause and let them be children who can love both parents. Let them grow up to decide for themselves. Your influence may very well backfire on you.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I grew up in what many call today a strict home. You went to school, you were expected to bring home grades according to your ability and pushed to achieved better, you went to church, you participated in the community, you were respectful to adults, you respected your parents authority, you knew you would be punished at school and then at home if you did anything wrong, you did not call adults by their first name, and I could go on.
I remember a few things about my childhood, such as family trips, spending time with my grandparents, going to church when I did not want to, getting grounded for bad grades and more.
One thing that does stick in my mind was when my parents were having a bad patch in their marriage. I remember my dad getting mad at my mother and yelling. I remember being packed up to go to our grandmothers' home to spend the night. I remember having to sleep on a small bed with my brother and remember not sleeping that night as well. I remember my mom saying our dad was mean and other things. I remember hating my dad that night because I could not sleep in my bed and had to stay at my grandmother's home. I loved my grandmother and enjoyed staying with her, but I did not like it this way.
Why did I hate my dad that night? Was it because I remember him yelling at my mom or was it because my mom "helped" me remember more things about my dad?
As I got older, I remember my mom complaining about my dad. He was mean, he beat her, he cheated on her. Mind you, I never saw him beat her or cheat on her and from what I knew of my dad, he was not the cheating type. Of course I could be wrong as well. Did he yell? Sure! Do I yell at times? Sure! Does that mean we abuse people? Raising my voice in frustration does not make me an abuser. Raising my voice, not knowing when to quit and taking that frustration and using swear words and using physical violence makes me abusive, but this I never did, nor did I see my dad do this.
The more my mom talked about divorcing my dad, the more I realized she was wanting me to hate him along with her. It was the "two against one" theory. I didn't hate my dad and even if he did all these bad things, I did not want to know about them. I just wanted to have my dad.
As I grew older and got out on my own and had my own interpersonal relationships, I started to realize that perhaps my mother was very controlling. She was protective as well, but where does that protective trait and controlling trait overlap? Was she trying to protect me from an abusive father or was she controlling my thoughts? I would later realize that my father was not the man she made him out to be. I would also suspect that perhaps my mom suffered from some personality disorder as well. I could not prove this, I could only surmise this from reading.
Bottom line is that I love both my parents, they have faults as well. I dislike that my mom tried to persuade me to hate my dad. They are both still my mom and dad though and I love both of them.
For parents that think they are protecting their children from abuse, when it actually is a control issue, be advised...children see things and remember things. I do not like what my ex did to me during our marriage and after, but that does not mean he is not the father of our son. Our son will still love both parents, we are the ones that made it possible for him to be here.
Stop trying to place your children in the middle of your own cause and let them be children who can love both parents. Let them grow up to decide for themselves. Your influence may very well backfire on you.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
An argument about PAS
What is it with these "PAS does not exist groups"?
I received this comment and I would like to expand on it.
PAS is fake syndrome made up by Richard gardner, a man who claimed pedophilia is good and that the only problem was when the non pedo parents complained. One should get the facts and not be taken in by a few statements which make untrue claims.Check out Richard gardner and get the truth.CHILD ABUSE is beating a child, raping a child and killing a child. Forcing a child to live with an abusive parent is abuse.A child knows the truth and a child love is not destroyed by another but when a parent is abusive than it is natural the child might not want to be with that parent but even than many children will still lave the abuser.Courts should look in all the evidence and not make assumptions and when the court has the evidence that one parent is lying than to consider that very seriously. No child should be forced to live with abuse and no parent should be prevented from protection the child
While I respect your opinion, I think you are also an alienating parent. Child abuse also encompasses emotional and mental abuse. If you think denying a child their parent, no matter what the partner did to you, you are an alienating parent. As for your claims about Richard Gardner, you are making claims that I would like to see court documents supporting your allegations. Dr. Gardner also committed suicide, so he is not here to defend the allegations that these “PAS does not exist” groups make. There have been several studies done based upon the research that Dr. Gardner did and these studies support that parents will enmesh their children into their world and encourage their children to hate the other parent. If you think this is not abuse, then you are very sadly mistaken. Do you think that alienating parents that encourage, brainwash and enmesh these children to hate and despise a parent is not abuse? Do you think that a child that loved you for 14 years and loved his father as well, suddenly turns against one parent is not an indication of abuse? Answer why a child who loved both parents, had access to both parents, suddenly despises one parent? Do you think that one parent encouraged this child to think “their” way? This is what parental alienation is about.
I am sorry that your ex abused you and possibly your child, but if you think that denying your children to love the other parent is doing them a favor, you may wake up several years later to find yourself the target parent. Children will seek out the other parent one day and you better hope that all your “stories” support how your children will feel.
Supposedly I am an alcoholic, a drug addict, and an abuser, but these have never been proven. I continue my life as I always have and one day, my son will realize the truth. I have found that those who make such far fetched allegations are making statements based upon their own behaviors. It has proven true so far in my case. I am not the one with court documents of arrest and other allegations against me.
Let me ask…why are you so afraid that your children may one day want to seek out the other parent? If everything you claim is true, then you have nothing to worry about. If not then……….
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I received this comment and I would like to expand on it.
PAS is fake syndrome made up by Richard gardner, a man who claimed pedophilia is good and that the only problem was when the non pedo parents complained. One should get the facts and not be taken in by a few statements which make untrue claims.Check out Richard gardner and get the truth.CHILD ABUSE is beating a child, raping a child and killing a child. Forcing a child to live with an abusive parent is abuse.A child knows the truth and a child love is not destroyed by another but when a parent is abusive than it is natural the child might not want to be with that parent but even than many children will still lave the abuser.Courts should look in all the evidence and not make assumptions and when the court has the evidence that one parent is lying than to consider that very seriously. No child should be forced to live with abuse and no parent should be prevented from protection the child
While I respect your opinion, I think you are also an alienating parent. Child abuse also encompasses emotional and mental abuse. If you think denying a child their parent, no matter what the partner did to you, you are an alienating parent. As for your claims about Richard Gardner, you are making claims that I would like to see court documents supporting your allegations. Dr. Gardner also committed suicide, so he is not here to defend the allegations that these “PAS does not exist” groups make. There have been several studies done based upon the research that Dr. Gardner did and these studies support that parents will enmesh their children into their world and encourage their children to hate the other parent. If you think this is not abuse, then you are very sadly mistaken. Do you think that alienating parents that encourage, brainwash and enmesh these children to hate and despise a parent is not abuse? Do you think that a child that loved you for 14 years and loved his father as well, suddenly turns against one parent is not an indication of abuse? Answer why a child who loved both parents, had access to both parents, suddenly despises one parent? Do you think that one parent encouraged this child to think “their” way? This is what parental alienation is about.
I am sorry that your ex abused you and possibly your child, but if you think that denying your children to love the other parent is doing them a favor, you may wake up several years later to find yourself the target parent. Children will seek out the other parent one day and you better hope that all your “stories” support how your children will feel.
Supposedly I am an alcoholic, a drug addict, and an abuser, but these have never been proven. I continue my life as I always have and one day, my son will realize the truth. I have found that those who make such far fetched allegations are making statements based upon their own behaviors. It has proven true so far in my case. I am not the one with court documents of arrest and other allegations against me.
Let me ask…why are you so afraid that your children may one day want to seek out the other parent? If everything you claim is true, then you have nothing to worry about. If not then……….
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Suggested reading for target parents
If you are a parent experiencing parental alienation, you most likely are searching every resource you can for information. You may be wanting to know how to stop or prevent this from happening, if things will ever return to normal with your relationship with your children and what to do to facilitate this as well.
Dr. Amy Baker has written a book titled Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind (Norton Professional Book)
. Dr. Baker has a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology from Teachers College of Columbia University. She is the author or co-author of 3 books and over 45 peer reviewed articles. Her areas of research include parental alienation, child welfare, parent involvement in their children's education, early intervention, and attachment. She is the Director of Research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection.
This book interviews 40 adults who were alienated from a parent as a child. Many of the stories sound the same; a controlling parent who sets out on a mission to destroy the relationship between the child and other parent. As I read the stories, I found a common theme. The target parent who did not give up, would sometimes eventually have a relationship with the child they lost. The book is well written and offers advice for target parents as well.
If you have not read this book, I would suggest that this book is a must read. You will gain insight and understanding in a way you thought was not possible.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Dr. Amy Baker has written a book titled Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind (Norton Professional Book)
. Dr. Baker has a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology from Teachers College of Columbia University. She is the author or co-author of 3 books and over 45 peer reviewed articles. Her areas of research include parental alienation, child welfare, parent involvement in their children's education, early intervention, and attachment. She is the Director of Research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection. This book interviews 40 adults who were alienated from a parent as a child. Many of the stories sound the same; a controlling parent who sets out on a mission to destroy the relationship between the child and other parent. As I read the stories, I found a common theme. The target parent who did not give up, would sometimes eventually have a relationship with the child they lost. The book is well written and offers advice for target parents as well.
If you have not read this book, I would suggest that this book is a must read. You will gain insight and understanding in a way you thought was not possible.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
My post for the day
OK, I admit the title leaves little to be desired, but then again this post I came across today does the same. There is a controversy about parental alienation among the certain lines of thought. It exists, it does not exist, it is junk science, it is not junk science, etc., you get my point. Granted, parental alienation is not in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but the personality types of the parents who alienate their children are, such as narcissist, sociopath and such.
I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.
"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.
I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.
Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.
Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.
You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.
What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent.
http://parentalalienation.blogspot.com/"
My thoughts for the day.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.
"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.
I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.
Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.
Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.
You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.
What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent.
http://parentalalienation.blogspot.com/"
My thoughts for the day.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
I have had several conversations or discussions about a subject that I think I have come up with an appropriate title for my post today. There seems to be many questions when talking with other target parents about contact with their alienated child and how the court orders read. There also seems to be an opinion, by people that do not understand parental alienation, that one should let go and wait until the child matures. The main consensus seems to be to absent yourself from the child's life until the child "realizes" what has happened. This is how I came about my title today.
I have been told that I am a rebel and I guess I have to agree with that. I do not act this way to cause harm and am certainly not violent in my actions. I will question and if I believe I am correct I will seek to improve the conditions. Many of the laws we have today are because a person stood up for what they believed in and did something to help change them. This is what I identify myself with.
Many times I hear a parent say they are at a loss at what to do about their child. I ask if they see them or not and how much contact they have. Many times I hear that they are not allowed to see their child and are only allowed one phone call and can mail the child cards and gifts. I ask if they email their child and they tell me, the court order does not say I can email. These parents are afraid that if they email their child they will be held in contempt for breaking the order. I can understand completely and do not advise anyone to break a court order. I can not tell you the last time I sent something via the postal service and email communication has become the norm in many institutions for communication. My options are the same if one sends me postal mail or email. I can choose to open the postal mail and I can choose to open the email. With email, I also have a delete option, something I do not have with postal mail. To send postal mail or email, many times I have no idea if the recipient even receives the mail. I also have the option to send certified return receipt mail and I can purchase a read receipt program for my email. I consider both ways (postal and email) communication via mail. The only thing I cannot do via email is to send gifts, but I can send links for money. I guess money could be considered a gift.
When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent does everything in their power to absent the child from the target parent's life. They find excuses to deny visitation. They also talk badly about the target parent to the child in hopes that the child will believe the rumors about the target parent. If the child has no opportunity to have exposure to the target parent, their heart does not grow fonder due to the absence, instead they start believing what the alienating parent claims. They may mature and seek the truth at a later date, but I think it is important that the target parent lets their child know that they love them, miss them and are always there for them. I have heard that this contact of letting the child know they are loved and missed can be interpreted as harassment. My question is when did a parent letting their child know the special place they hold in their heart become harassment? This is what is wrong with the system that allows alienating parents to control. This is why the laws must be changed.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I have had several conversations or discussions about a subject that I think I have come up with an appropriate title for my post today. There seems to be many questions when talking with other target parents about contact with their alienated child and how the court orders read. There also seems to be an opinion, by people that do not understand parental alienation, that one should let go and wait until the child matures. The main consensus seems to be to absent yourself from the child's life until the child "realizes" what has happened. This is how I came about my title today.
I have been told that I am a rebel and I guess I have to agree with that. I do not act this way to cause harm and am certainly not violent in my actions. I will question and if I believe I am correct I will seek to improve the conditions. Many of the laws we have today are because a person stood up for what they believed in and did something to help change them. This is what I identify myself with.
Many times I hear a parent say they are at a loss at what to do about their child. I ask if they see them or not and how much contact they have. Many times I hear that they are not allowed to see their child and are only allowed one phone call and can mail the child cards and gifts. I ask if they email their child and they tell me, the court order does not say I can email. These parents are afraid that if they email their child they will be held in contempt for breaking the order. I can understand completely and do not advise anyone to break a court order. I can not tell you the last time I sent something via the postal service and email communication has become the norm in many institutions for communication. My options are the same if one sends me postal mail or email. I can choose to open the postal mail and I can choose to open the email. With email, I also have a delete option, something I do not have with postal mail. To send postal mail or email, many times I have no idea if the recipient even receives the mail. I also have the option to send certified return receipt mail and I can purchase a read receipt program for my email. I consider both ways (postal and email) communication via mail. The only thing I cannot do via email is to send gifts, but I can send links for money. I guess money could be considered a gift.
When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent does everything in their power to absent the child from the target parent's life. They find excuses to deny visitation. They also talk badly about the target parent to the child in hopes that the child will believe the rumors about the target parent. If the child has no opportunity to have exposure to the target parent, their heart does not grow fonder due to the absence, instead they start believing what the alienating parent claims. They may mature and seek the truth at a later date, but I think it is important that the target parent lets their child know that they love them, miss them and are always there for them. I have heard that this contact of letting the child know they are loved and missed can be interpreted as harassment. My question is when did a parent letting their child know the special place they hold in their heart become harassment? This is what is wrong with the system that allows alienating parents to control. This is why the laws must be changed.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Ashley Scott murder trial in Memphis, TN...another domestic violence case
I would not normally attempt to blog about a murder trial that involves domestic violence. First and foremost, having been a victim of domestic violence, I may find it difficult to be objective in my writings. Then again, this blog is about parental alienation, to which I am the target parent and I may find it hard to be objective in my writings pertaining to this as well. I do my best and attempt to be objective, but that is not always easy to do. I am writing this today because I was sent a link by a friend who asked that I make a post about this. Little did I know that this would be a labored task. I have read the blogs about the trial and also did a bit of research as well and will now attempt to write about this case.
Let me state some facts and at the end of this I will have links I used in my research for this entry. Memphis is a city in the southwest corner of the state of Tennessee and it is the county seat of Shelby County. As of 2008, Memphis had an estimated population of 677,272, making it the largest city in the state of Tennessee , the second largest in the Southeastern United States, and the 18th largest in the United States. According to an article published April 13, 2008: 63,000: Domestic violence calls received in 2007 by law enforcement agencies in Memphis and Shelby County;
24,000: Domestic violence cases investigated; 4,014: Criminal domestic violence cases handled by the Domestic Violence Prosecution Unit in 2007 -- 3,295 misdemeanors and 719 felonies; 52: Percentage of crimes against persons in Shelby County that involve domestic violence; 50: Average number of aggravated domestic violence calls to the Memphis Police Department daily, or more than 18,000 a year; 22, 27, 23, 14: Number of of domestic homicides in Memphis in 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004, respectively. According to another article published Sunday, September 7, 2008, a death that was being written about was the 27th homicide linked to domestic violence in 2008, nearly double the number (14) at this time last year. According to another article: A woman is battered every 8 to 10 seconds in the United States (3-4 million times per year); A man is battered every 16 minutes in the United States (143,000 times per year); On average, Us medical schools require only two hours of training in adult domestic violence and less than half of family practice residencies require education about Intimate Partner Abuse. Thirty-one percent of female physicians and 14% of male physicians have personally experienced domestic violence. Thirty-one percent of nurses report that they or someone in their immediate families have experienced domestic violence.
These are alarming statistics! Domestic violence happens everyday somewhere to someone you know or know of. Domestic violence knows no bounds, knows no racial lines, knows no religious affiliations and knows no gender. Although statistics seem to have a higher percentage of female victims, I believe that the male percentage may be understated.
Now onto the story about Ashley Scott.
Ashley Scott, a teacher in Memphis, was 28 years old when she was beaten to death by her husband, Jeffrey Scott. On November 23, 2006 after an evening of drinking and arguments, Jeffrey beat his wife and left her in the garage. He claims that he brought her back inside and laid her on the floor by the fireplace at approximately 9am. At approximately noon, he attempted to move her to the bed. Around 2:30pm, he called a friend, who was a medical doctor, and asked that he come to his house alone. Since it was Thanksgiving Day, Jeff knew that his friend was most likely with his family. According to documents contained in the blogs, the paramedics received the 911 call at 3:13pm. At 7:52pm, Ashley was pronounced dead due to blunt force trauma to the head.
If this link works, you can hear the 911 call. In my opinion, Jeffrey Scott sounded too calm, cold and calculating. Shock? Decide for yourself if you listen to the tape.
"Uh, my wife is unconscious," said Scott on the tape.
McGee told the jury he believed Jeffrey to be in shock. He was calm as McGee started CPR.
"How's she breathing now, is it normal," asked a 911 dispatcher.
"Yes," said Scott.
"She's dead," McGee can be heard saying in the background.
"Sir, did I hear him say she was dead," asked the dispatcher.
"Yes. That's what he said," said Scott.
"You said she was breathing," the dispatcher said.
"She was. She was just a second ago," said Scott.
McGee told the jury he believed Jeffrey to be in shock. He was calm as McGee started CPR.
"How's she breathing now, is it normal," asked a 911 dispatcher.
"Yes," said Scott.
"She's dead," McGee can be heard saying in the background.
"Sir, did I hear him say she was dead," asked the dispatcher.
"Yes. That's what he said," said Scott.
"You said she was breathing," the dispatcher said.
"She was. She was just a second ago," said Scott.
The jury got to hear all the dirty laundry of the couple. They drank, perhaps even too much. Ashley had a DUI. They both had affairs. This was all done to discredit Ashley and to place the sympathy factor into the minds of the jurors. The use of alcohol was presented to discredit Ashley as she drank too much and had received a DUI. The victim is dead and cannot defend themselves, so the best thing a defense can do is to discredit them. Then the use of alcohol was brought up again, as the reason that the fight got out of control. The alcohol played a part, but it was Jeffrey's conscious decision to beat his wife and not to stop. The use of alcohol did not make him beat his wife, nor did it make him beat her to death. It became the crutch that the defense wished to use. Ashley drank, Ashely had a DUI, Ashely had a level above legal limit. All these portrayed the evils of alcohol. The defense went as far as having another doctor testify that perhaps Ashley's death was alcohol related. Then the defense raised the issue that Jeffrey had been drinking, almost saying that he was influenced by the alcohol and perhaps things got out of hand.
If you check any of the links I used to write this post, you can read the jury trial. The one thing I noticed was how familiar this story sounded. I could relate. Jeffrey was mean and abusive. He called his wife names, told her she was not a good teacher, told her she would not be a good mother, but they were supposedly attempting to have a baby. I read somewhere that Jeffrey said she would do right if she gave him a son. News flash for you! The man determines the sex of the child, the woman carries the baby until birth. He monitored her expenses, monitored her calls, monitored her friends, he was always checking up on her. Perhaps when these means of intimidation and coercion did not control his wife as he thought they should, he started in on the physical abuse. It was reported that Ashely went to school many times with heavy makeup and long sleeves, even when it was hot outside. This was done to hide the bruises.
This what abusers do. They control by any means they can and when those means stop working they up the tactics. There is a difference between constructive criticism and outright offending and demeaning remarks. I was told I could not do certain things correctly, such as wash his shirts. Therefore, his shirt had to go to the dry cleaners. Therefore, I had to allow in the budget this expense. If I tried a new recipe for dinner that did not work out, instead of a comment of this one does not work, I was told I did not know how to cook. My home was clean or so I am told by people that have visited my home several times, but I was told by my ex that I did not know how to keep a home. Never mind that he did not offer to do it the way it was supposed to be. If I did not get a joke, I was told I was stupid. If I went to the store and took longer than he thought, I was accused of having an affair and was prohibited from going to the store alone. I did not handle the finances correctly and he would take care of them, but his bills would be paid first and then if I was good, he would allow for my bills to be paid. When I started standing up for myself, the physical control started. I was one of the lucky ones and got out before he placed me in a hospital or worse.
Little did I know that the abuse would continue after our divorce by the means of parental alienation. Now he controls our son's mind, like he did me at one time.
Please if you are a victim of domestic abuse, please seek some assistance. Tell your story. I feel this is important for the male victims as I believe they are silent. Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers will use these excuses for their violence.
The jury found Jeffrey Scott guilty of second-degree murder for the beating death of his wife, and he had the same reserved manner that he displayed on a 911 call played during his trial. He faces 15 to 25 years in prison when Judge James Lammey Jr. sentences him Feb. 19. There is no parole for second-degree murder, but he could earn a time reduction of up to 15 percent for good behavior. UPDATE: Jeffrey Scott received 25 years in prison without parole.
Parental alienation making headlines in Canada
Today, I received an email from a very dear friend who sent me a link. It seems that parental alienation has been making some headlines in Canada and that this nation realizes the damage that is being done to children that are denied the right to love the other parent. Bravo, on the decision of the judge.
Mom loses custody for alienating dad
Ruling a 'wake-up call' for parents who use kids to punish ex-partners
January 24, 2009
Tracey Tyler
LEGAL AFFAIRS REPORTER
In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.
The mother's "consistent and overwhelming" campaign to brainwash the children into thinking their father was a bad person was nothing short of emotional abuse, Justice Faye McWatt of the Superior Court of Justice wrote in her decision.
The three girls, ages 9 to 14, were brought to a downtown courthouse last Friday and turned over to their father, a vascular surgeon identified only as A.L.
Their mother, a chiropodist identified as K.D., was ordered to stay away from the building during the transfer and to have her daughters' clothing and possessions sent to their father's house.
McWatt stipulated that K.D. is to have no access to the children except in conjunction with counselling, including a special intensive therapy program for children affected by "parental alienation syndrome." The mother must bear the costs.
Harold Niman, the father's lawyer, said the decision serves as a wake-up call to parents who, "for bitterness, anger or whatever reason," decide to use their children to punish their former partners.
"Maybe if they realize the courts will actually step in and do something and there is a risk of not only losing custody, but having no contact with their children, they'll think twice about it," Niman said in an interview.
McWatt's judgment was released Jan. 16 and published on legal databases this week. By yesterday, it was a hot topic within the family law bar.
The judge said awarding A.L. sole custody was the children's only hope for having a relationship with their father, given their mother's long-running transgressions.
These include ignoring court orders, shutting the door in A.L.'s face when he came to collect the children and refusing to answer the phone when he called to say goodnight. (He was granted telephone access to say good night on Monday, Wednesday and Friday). At times, she also arranged for police to show up when her daughters had overnight visits with their father.
Eventually, K.D. cut off contact altogether, refusing to allow A.L. to see or speak with his daughters. He was reduced to shouting goodnight to them through the door of their home, often not knowing whether they were there.
"It is remarkable that A.L. has not given in to the respondent's persistence in keeping his children from him over the last fourteen years and simply gone on with his life without the children as, no doubt many other parents in the same situation would have and, indeed, have done," McWatt said.
The mother squandered several chances to change her behaviour and is unable to accept it is in her children's best interests to have a relationship with their father, the judge said.
Nicholas Bala, a Queen's University law professor who specializes in family law, said "badmouthing" or negative attitudes by one parent toward another is quite common among separated couples. But in recent years, the justice system has begun to understand the harmful effects of the worst form of this behaviour.
In most cases, the problem is resolved through counselling, where parents are encouraged to accept they'll both always be in their children's lives, said Bala. "I tell them, `... if you're the survivor, you'll be going to the other's funeral, not because you love that person, but to support your children.'
"Having said that, there are some people – and I think some of them are suffering from personality disorders – who will not respond to therapy and will not respond to directions from judges."
Transferring custody is a last resort, because "it can be quite dramatic and traumatic" – yet sometimes better than the alternative, said Bala.
"We often talk about the best interests of the child, but often it's the least detrimental alternative, really."
Bala said courts are unlikely to take such a drastic step without hearing expert testimony about what's happening in the family. A child may be avoiding a parent for legitimate reasons such as physical or emotional abuse.
McWatt heard testimony from Barbara Fidler, a Toronto mediator and clinical psychologist who predicted eight years ago the three girls were at risk of becoming alienated from their father.
The Office of the Children's Lawyer argued the family dynamics could not continue.
Fidler said research points to long-term damage in people alienated from a parent in childhood.
Children are more susceptible at about age 10 or 11, after their brains have developed to the point where they can hold positive and negative information about a parent.
If what one parent is saying about the other doesn't accord with their own perceptions, they can become confused.
In some cases, the only way out of the emotional conflict is to take one parent's side. The child can even begin inventing his or her own reasons for hating the other parent, the court was told.
Early intervention is best, Niman said."Really, parental alienation is a process. If you can nip it in the bud, that's the best advice I can give to clients.
"Because the longer it goes on, the more difficult it can be to undo."
Toronto Star
Court document:
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Mom loses custody for alienating dad
Ruling a 'wake-up call' for parents who use kids to punish ex-partners
January 24, 2009
Tracey Tyler
LEGAL AFFAIRS REPORTER
In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.
The mother's "consistent and overwhelming" campaign to brainwash the children into thinking their father was a bad person was nothing short of emotional abuse, Justice Faye McWatt of the Superior Court of Justice wrote in her decision.
The three girls, ages 9 to 14, were brought to a downtown courthouse last Friday and turned over to their father, a vascular surgeon identified only as A.L.
Their mother, a chiropodist identified as K.D., was ordered to stay away from the building during the transfer and to have her daughters' clothing and possessions sent to their father's house.
McWatt stipulated that K.D. is to have no access to the children except in conjunction with counselling, including a special intensive therapy program for children affected by "parental alienation syndrome." The mother must bear the costs.
Harold Niman, the father's lawyer, said the decision serves as a wake-up call to parents who, "for bitterness, anger or whatever reason," decide to use their children to punish their former partners.
"Maybe if they realize the courts will actually step in and do something and there is a risk of not only losing custody, but having no contact with their children, they'll think twice about it," Niman said in an interview.
McWatt's judgment was released Jan. 16 and published on legal databases this week. By yesterday, it was a hot topic within the family law bar.
The judge said awarding A.L. sole custody was the children's only hope for having a relationship with their father, given their mother's long-running transgressions.
These include ignoring court orders, shutting the door in A.L.'s face when he came to collect the children and refusing to answer the phone when he called to say goodnight. (He was granted telephone access to say good night on Monday, Wednesday and Friday). At times, she also arranged for police to show up when her daughters had overnight visits with their father.
Eventually, K.D. cut off contact altogether, refusing to allow A.L. to see or speak with his daughters. He was reduced to shouting goodnight to them through the door of their home, often not knowing whether they were there.
"It is remarkable that A.L. has not given in to the respondent's persistence in keeping his children from him over the last fourteen years and simply gone on with his life without the children as, no doubt many other parents in the same situation would have and, indeed, have done," McWatt said.
The mother squandered several chances to change her behaviour and is unable to accept it is in her children's best interests to have a relationship with their father, the judge said.
Nicholas Bala, a Queen's University law professor who specializes in family law, said "badmouthing" or negative attitudes by one parent toward another is quite common among separated couples. But in recent years, the justice system has begun to understand the harmful effects of the worst form of this behaviour.
In most cases, the problem is resolved through counselling, where parents are encouraged to accept they'll both always be in their children's lives, said Bala. "I tell them, `... if you're the survivor, you'll be going to the other's funeral, not because you love that person, but to support your children.'
"Having said that, there are some people – and I think some of them are suffering from personality disorders – who will not respond to therapy and will not respond to directions from judges."
Transferring custody is a last resort, because "it can be quite dramatic and traumatic" – yet sometimes better than the alternative, said Bala.
"We often talk about the best interests of the child, but often it's the least detrimental alternative, really."
Bala said courts are unlikely to take such a drastic step without hearing expert testimony about what's happening in the family. A child may be avoiding a parent for legitimate reasons such as physical or emotional abuse.
McWatt heard testimony from Barbara Fidler, a Toronto mediator and clinical psychologist who predicted eight years ago the three girls were at risk of becoming alienated from their father.
The Office of the Children's Lawyer argued the family dynamics could not continue.
Fidler said research points to long-term damage in people alienated from a parent in childhood.
Children are more susceptible at about age 10 or 11, after their brains have developed to the point where they can hold positive and negative information about a parent.
If what one parent is saying about the other doesn't accord with their own perceptions, they can become confused.
In some cases, the only way out of the emotional conflict is to take one parent's side. The child can even begin inventing his or her own reasons for hating the other parent, the court was told.
Early intervention is best, Niman said."Really, parental alienation is a process. If you can nip it in the bud, that's the best advice I can give to clients.
"Because the longer it goes on, the more difficult it can be to undo."
Toronto Star
Court document:
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Parental Alienation, Domestic Violence and Terrorism, is there a common link?
Hopefully, this entry today will make some sense and make one think as well. Perhaps, you can see the relation between parental alienation and domestic violence, but you may wonder where terrorism falls into this analogy. Previously I posted this: Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?
You may see a correlation between domestic violence and parental alienation, but may be wondering where I am going with the terrorism angle. Most likely the first thing that comes to mind are the terrorist acts that are committed across the globe. Those certainly are not related to parental alienation and domestic violence. If one looks up the definition of terrorism, you would find Terrorism is "the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion." Whereas terror can be defined as - the use of extreme fear in order to coerce people. The definition of domestic violence can be defined as "It's a chronic abuse of power. The abuser tortures and controls the victim by calculated threats, intimidation, and physical violence. Actual physical violence is often the end result of months or years of intimidation and control." One definition of alienation is listed as: "estrange: arouse hostility or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness" . The common theme seems to be coercion, which can be defined as: the act of compelling by force of authority, using force to cause something to occur, and the practice of compelling a person or manipulating them to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats, intimidation or some other form of pressure or force" .
While the recent and past global terrorist attacks seem a far fetched analogy to my post, the tactics employed by abusers in domestic violence and parental alienation are one in the same as terrorists. A use of terror to coerce their subject or subjects into submission. If this does not define abuse, then what does?
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
You may see a correlation between domestic violence and parental alienation, but may be wondering where I am going with the terrorism angle. Most likely the first thing that comes to mind are the terrorist acts that are committed across the globe. Those certainly are not related to parental alienation and domestic violence. If one looks up the definition of terrorism, you would find Terrorism is "the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion." Whereas terror can be defined as - the use of extreme fear in order to coerce people. The definition of domestic violence can be defined as "It's a chronic abuse of power. The abuser tortures and controls the victim by calculated threats, intimidation, and physical violence. Actual physical violence is often the end result of months or years of intimidation and control." One definition of alienation is listed as: "estrange: arouse hostility or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness" . The common theme seems to be coercion, which can be defined as: the act of compelling by force of authority, using force to cause something to occur, and the practice of compelling a person or manipulating them to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats, intimidation or some other form of pressure or force" .
While the recent and past global terrorist attacks seem a far fetched analogy to my post, the tactics employed by abusers in domestic violence and parental alienation are one in the same as terrorists. A use of terror to coerce their subject or subjects into submission. If this does not define abuse, then what does?
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Why everyone needs to care about parental alienation...Oh the gossip never ends!
One may ask why I titled this post "Why everyone should care about parental alienation ...oh the gossip never ends". You may be happily married and both you and your spouse have a healthy and loving relationship with your children. Parental alienation does not affect you. It may not directly, but one day it will either directly or indirectly.
I do believe that everyone at one time or another has experienced alienation in one form or another. Some common words used to define alienation are; isolation, estrangement, separation and unfriendly. One area that alienation can happen quite a bit is in a work environment. Perhaps you have overheard gossip or rumors, or even participated as well in the conversations. The gossip and rumors can be started because one person does not like the other and their intentions is to persuade others to their side. Sometimes people gossip or tell rumors because they have nothing better to do or they like the attention they get. Other times they do this because their goal is to isolate the person they are talking about and they wish to discredit them for their own personal gain. It starts as a malicious attempt to slander someone and possibly to improve the social standing of the person who made up the story. Gossip gives one power over another. People who gossip believe lies, want to believe lies, and persuade others to believe lies. Gossip is censorship and a gross injustice. The one involved has no right to defend themselves. The subject of the gossip is the one who suffers alienation. Parental alienation is nothing more than gossip, rumors, lies and a gross injustice about a parent. The children are the ones that hear this gossip and believe it. The child ends up siding with the alienating parent and discredits the other parent with no basis of truth.
You may think there are no similarities between gossip at work or other situations where this happens and parental alienation. This is where you are wrong. You may think about the town gossip and know that you do not believe a word they say. You may even think about things you have heard and said "oh how preposterous". Alienating parents are preposterous but they are also very convincing. Unfortunately they convince the children, judges, attorneys and therapists about the rumors and gossip they tell about the other parent. Gossip has the uncanny ability of drawing more and more conclusions on less and less info.
You may be thinking that eventually the truth will come out. The truth is there, but often is not wanted to be heard. Many times, the alienating parents tells such lies that a target parent can not find the documentation to support the truth. If the target parent has documentation to support the truth against the lies told about them, it is not wanted to be heard. If a child seeks the truth, they do not want to know the bad things about the alienating parent. In my case, the alienating parent stated that I was guilty of some illegal behaviors. I did not have records of arrest, but I can only imagine that it was stated I either had connections or had not been caught yet. How does one "prove" they are not guilty of such indiscretions? The alienating parent, on the other hand, has records of arrest, not for what I was accused of, but for other violations.
Have you ever given any thought to what the destructive lies, gossip, rumors and allegations do to a child? Not only can they believe that the target parent does not care for them or love them, they can grow up to believe that this behavior is specific to the gender that the alienation is being maintained about. For instance a daughter can believe that all men are sexual predators, abusive to women, have extramarital affairs and fail to support their families. She may grow up with a resentment towards men and this will affect her relationships and interactions. A son can believe that all women are manipulators, they spend money that is not there and are not capable of making decisions. They may grow up to treat women abusively and this will also affect their relationships and interactions. Of course there are other scenarios as well. The one thing that alienated children are being taught is that they do not need to have respect for the target parent. This will unconsciously tell them that they do not have to have respect for the gender that they are being alienated against. This will affect future relationships and interactions.
Abuse follows a cycle and unless that cycle is broken it will continue. Think about that the next time you hear the latest "gossip". How much someone talks to you about others may be how much they talk to others about you!
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I do believe that everyone at one time or another has experienced alienation in one form or another. Some common words used to define alienation are; isolation, estrangement, separation and unfriendly. One area that alienation can happen quite a bit is in a work environment. Perhaps you have overheard gossip or rumors, or even participated as well in the conversations. The gossip and rumors can be started because one person does not like the other and their intentions is to persuade others to their side. Sometimes people gossip or tell rumors because they have nothing better to do or they like the attention they get. Other times they do this because their goal is to isolate the person they are talking about and they wish to discredit them for their own personal gain. It starts as a malicious attempt to slander someone and possibly to improve the social standing of the person who made up the story. Gossip gives one power over another. People who gossip believe lies, want to believe lies, and persuade others to believe lies. Gossip is censorship and a gross injustice. The one involved has no right to defend themselves. The subject of the gossip is the one who suffers alienation. Parental alienation is nothing more than gossip, rumors, lies and a gross injustice about a parent. The children are the ones that hear this gossip and believe it. The child ends up siding with the alienating parent and discredits the other parent with no basis of truth.
You may think there are no similarities between gossip at work or other situations where this happens and parental alienation. This is where you are wrong. You may think about the town gossip and know that you do not believe a word they say. You may even think about things you have heard and said "oh how preposterous". Alienating parents are preposterous but they are also very convincing. Unfortunately they convince the children, judges, attorneys and therapists about the rumors and gossip they tell about the other parent. Gossip has the uncanny ability of drawing more and more conclusions on less and less info.
You may be thinking that eventually the truth will come out. The truth is there, but often is not wanted to be heard. Many times, the alienating parents tells such lies that a target parent can not find the documentation to support the truth. If the target parent has documentation to support the truth against the lies told about them, it is not wanted to be heard. If a child seeks the truth, they do not want to know the bad things about the alienating parent. In my case, the alienating parent stated that I was guilty of some illegal behaviors. I did not have records of arrest, but I can only imagine that it was stated I either had connections or had not been caught yet. How does one "prove" they are not guilty of such indiscretions? The alienating parent, on the other hand, has records of arrest, not for what I was accused of, but for other violations.
Have you ever given any thought to what the destructive lies, gossip, rumors and allegations do to a child? Not only can they believe that the target parent does not care for them or love them, they can grow up to believe that this behavior is specific to the gender that the alienation is being maintained about. For instance a daughter can believe that all men are sexual predators, abusive to women, have extramarital affairs and fail to support their families. She may grow up with a resentment towards men and this will affect her relationships and interactions. A son can believe that all women are manipulators, they spend money that is not there and are not capable of making decisions. They may grow up to treat women abusively and this will also affect their relationships and interactions. Of course there are other scenarios as well. The one thing that alienated children are being taught is that they do not need to have respect for the target parent. This will unconsciously tell them that they do not have to have respect for the gender that they are being alienated against. This will affect future relationships and interactions.
Abuse follows a cycle and unless that cycle is broken it will continue. Think about that the next time you hear the latest "gossip". How much someone talks to you about others may be how much they talk to others about you!
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Mediation and parental alienation........"My way or the highway"
Are you a target parent that has been ordered to attend mandatory mediation? Are you a target parent that has attended mandatory mediation? Are you an alienating parent that has attended mandatory mediation? If so I would like to hear your thoughts about it.
Mediation in theory is a great idea. It costs less and both parties get a say, they get to work through problems, compromise and for the most part both parties come away feeling satisfied that they could resolve their issues and found an acceptable agreement. Both parties can have the sense of empowerment over their decisions and many times the divorcing couples may find that they have a better relationship post divorce because of mediation. Oh what a wonderful world we live in. If this was the answer to all divorce cases.
Mediation can work and does work in many divorce/custody cases and I would advise anyone to seek this route, BUT, if there is moderate to severe parental alienation, I can not suggest this route. In cases where parental alienation is mild, mediation MAY work, but only if your mediator is versed in parental alienation. Neither party may be aware that parental alienation is happening and this is where a good mediator will come in. I believe that mild alienators can be helped and would be open to counseling. I think that mild alienators have the best interests of the child in mind. I do not think their intention is to ruin the relationship between the child and other parent. In moderate cases, the alienator knows they are saying negative things about the other parent, but cannot help themselves. Counseling may help in these cases, but I think the line between moderate and severe can be crossed very easy without some professional intervention.
In cases of severe alienation, mediation is a waste of time, energy and money. The severe alienator will refuse to budge on any issue you bring up for compromise. They will fabricate stories and the mediator may tell you that you are being unreasonable and to compromise. You will either have to hold your ground or have to make compromises that you are not comfortable with. Target parents have no say, no issues that are compromised and they end up accepting less than desirable terms. Holding your ground will not be futile either. You realize very quickly that again you are experiencing abuse, but this time, the alienator has others on their side. This is when you realize that "guilty until proven innocent" really is the motive in the "system". No, I did not type that phrase wrong either. Alienators present their case so well and fool everyone. You are guilty of many of the accusations because everyone believes them. Proving your innocence is a long and exhaustive road.
So, in closing I would like to state that I think mediation works in many cases of divorce and should be utilized, but in cases where there is a moderate to severe alienating parent, this option does not and will not work. Mediation in theory is an excellent choice and should be utilized where both parties are capable to compromise. The mediator needs to be versed in parental alienation as well. The other point I would like to make is that many states are now leaning towards mandatory mediation in divorce/custody cases and unless there are mediators who are very well versed in parental alienation, the cycle of abuse will continue by the so called system. As target parents, I think we should band together to change this.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Mediation in theory is a great idea. It costs less and both parties get a say, they get to work through problems, compromise and for the most part both parties come away feeling satisfied that they could resolve their issues and found an acceptable agreement. Both parties can have the sense of empowerment over their decisions and many times the divorcing couples may find that they have a better relationship post divorce because of mediation. Oh what a wonderful world we live in. If this was the answer to all divorce cases.
Mediation can work and does work in many divorce/custody cases and I would advise anyone to seek this route, BUT, if there is moderate to severe parental alienation, I can not suggest this route. In cases where parental alienation is mild, mediation MAY work, but only if your mediator is versed in parental alienation. Neither party may be aware that parental alienation is happening and this is where a good mediator will come in. I believe that mild alienators can be helped and would be open to counseling. I think that mild alienators have the best interests of the child in mind. I do not think their intention is to ruin the relationship between the child and other parent. In moderate cases, the alienator knows they are saying negative things about the other parent, but cannot help themselves. Counseling may help in these cases, but I think the line between moderate and severe can be crossed very easy without some professional intervention.
In cases of severe alienation, mediation is a waste of time, energy and money. The severe alienator will refuse to budge on any issue you bring up for compromise. They will fabricate stories and the mediator may tell you that you are being unreasonable and to compromise. You will either have to hold your ground or have to make compromises that you are not comfortable with. Target parents have no say, no issues that are compromised and they end up accepting less than desirable terms. Holding your ground will not be futile either. You realize very quickly that again you are experiencing abuse, but this time, the alienator has others on their side. This is when you realize that "guilty until proven innocent" really is the motive in the "system". No, I did not type that phrase wrong either. Alienators present their case so well and fool everyone. You are guilty of many of the accusations because everyone believes them. Proving your innocence is a long and exhaustive road.
So, in closing I would like to state that I think mediation works in many cases of divorce and should be utilized, but in cases where there is a moderate to severe alienating parent, this option does not and will not work. Mediation in theory is an excellent choice and should be utilized where both parties are capable to compromise. The mediator needs to be versed in parental alienation as well. The other point I would like to make is that many states are now leaning towards mandatory mediation in divorce/custody cases and unless there are mediators who are very well versed in parental alienation, the cycle of abuse will continue by the so called system. As target parents, I think we should band together to change this.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Last post of 2008
2008 was not so great.
It was filled with hate.
I hope that 2009
will be a better time.
Well that was my lame attempt at my so called "poetry". As I reflect back over the past year, I have to say that 2008 was not so great. The major story seems to be the economic problems, which has affected everyone I know.
There have been other stories as well and for target parents everywhere, their story has not changed. I am sure there are some more positive stories where parental alienation is concerned. Perhaps you are a parent that has been able to have some contact and that is great. In fact, I know of a father that did not contact with his son for over 15 years and during Christmas, he was able to see him and talk with him for the first time. I cried for him when I heard this. To those that have no idea of the heartbreak and sense of loss, you can not imagine the emotional roller coaster that target parents ride. I hope for him that this relationship will continue to grow and that he feels a sense of relief.
For the target parents that still have no contact, please do not ever give up hope and keep trying. Keep sending your letters, e-mails, text messages and other means of contact. You may not get a reply or you may get a nasty and negative reply. Do not let that deter you. Realize that those nasty and negative replies may not be what your son or daughter wants to relay to you, but remember that they are still being guided by the alienating parent. The alienating parent may be sending these messages electronically posing as the child. If you stop your contact, the alienating parent is still controlling your child and you. Your son or daughter may even call you and demand that you stop, but that alienating parent may be standing over them commanding that they say this. All research indicates that target parents who successfully reunited with their children did so because they would not give up. Don't give up!
As this year ends and a new one begins, I hope that 2009 will see changes where family law is concerned. Let's make 2009 the year of the child. The year where no child will ever have to pick one parent over the other. The year where no child will have to suffer the loss of a parent who loves them. The year where no child will have to subjected to this type of abuse again.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
It was filled with hate.
I hope that 2009
will be a better time.
Well that was my lame attempt at my so called "poetry". As I reflect back over the past year, I have to say that 2008 was not so great. The major story seems to be the economic problems, which has affected everyone I know.
There have been other stories as well and for target parents everywhere, their story has not changed. I am sure there are some more positive stories where parental alienation is concerned. Perhaps you are a parent that has been able to have some contact and that is great. In fact, I know of a father that did not contact with his son for over 15 years and during Christmas, he was able to see him and talk with him for the first time. I cried for him when I heard this. To those that have no idea of the heartbreak and sense of loss, you can not imagine the emotional roller coaster that target parents ride. I hope for him that this relationship will continue to grow and that he feels a sense of relief.
For the target parents that still have no contact, please do not ever give up hope and keep trying. Keep sending your letters, e-mails, text messages and other means of contact. You may not get a reply or you may get a nasty and negative reply. Do not let that deter you. Realize that those nasty and negative replies may not be what your son or daughter wants to relay to you, but remember that they are still being guided by the alienating parent. The alienating parent may be sending these messages electronically posing as the child. If you stop your contact, the alienating parent is still controlling your child and you. Your son or daughter may even call you and demand that you stop, but that alienating parent may be standing over them commanding that they say this. All research indicates that target parents who successfully reunited with their children did so because they would not give up. Don't give up!
As this year ends and a new one begins, I hope that 2009 will see changes where family law is concerned. Let's make 2009 the year of the child. The year where no child will ever have to pick one parent over the other. The year where no child will have to suffer the loss of a parent who loves them. The year where no child will have to subjected to this type of abuse again.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
No Child should have to experience this
WARNING: This video should tear at your heartstrings. It is rather long, but it tells a story, one that is not heard in the courts nor one that is not punished via the courts. Can we allow this continue? I urge you to watch this.
Children are in the crossfire in custody cases. Both parents should want to be part of their children's lives, but when one parent wants to punish the other parent, they use their children as pawns. Children get sick and both were able to care for the child before, but now only one parent is the so called "capable" parent. Children get grounded, but that should not mean they are grounded from parenting time with the other parent. Children should not be told that they will have a new and better daddy or mommy, they have them already. Children should not be told that they don't need the other parent anymore. Children should not be told they have to remember what they ate while at the other parent's home for fear that allegations will be made that were not fed. Alienating parents should not call their children several times a day while the other parent has parenting time, "just to check in". These tactics are used by alienating parents to coerce, brainwash and push their children into submission. These are cult like techniques. Alienating parent's hatred knows no bounds. The most severe will reuslt in allegations of domestic abuse, physical and sexual abuse of a child.
Although this video was made by a father, realize this video could have been made by a mother as well. Parental alienation knows no boundaries, it does not discriminate based on gender, race, or socioeconomic class.
Thank you to the father that made this video. My heart goes out to you, whomever you are. Let this video be a testament that no other child should ever have to experience this abuse by the hands of the alienating parent.
Alienated children need a voice, one that is not heard in the courts. Please, I beg of you, if you know of a child being alienated from their parent, BE THAT VOICE!
Stop this abuse of children! Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?
My post today may likely ruffle some feathers. Since I have experienced both, I thought I would write my thoughts about it.
Domestic violence is about control. Parental alienation is about control. I do not think you will find a parent accused of parental alienation that does not have some control issues. I am not talking about the normal issues that come about in a marriage and a compromise is reached, but the attitude of "my way or the highway" attitude.
A spouse who uses domestic violence as a way to control, uses the "my way or the highway attitude." A parent who alienates a child against the other parent utilizes the same tactics. Although that parent may not tell the child "my way or the highway", their actions speak volumes.
In my case, my ex was a charming, loving and giving man....at times. At other times, I thought I knew what I had to do and usually that was wrong. If I was not punished by words which included verbal berating and jokes at my expense, I was punished by what I called the "silent treatment". The silent treatment was the worse, because I could ask what was wrong and would get a glaring blank stare in return. This made me think about the past week or day. It was mind control. If these actions did not make me "act" the way he wished, I was physically punished. I constantly walked on eggshells, never knowing when, where or how I "caused" myself to be subject to his tirades. I lived in a world of trying to do right and attempting to learn from my so called past mistakes. What was right yesterday was not right today.
The thing about domestic violence is that one person controls the other through ways of mind control and physical control. They wear you down physically and emotionally. Domestic violence can also be more sinister in that lives are lost as well. I think one common theme is that the abuser in domestic violence is manipulative, cunning, and deceitful. They shift blame and twist facts, many times rather convincingly. This brings me back to my previous posts about a narcissist and a psychopath.
One may ask how I stayed or even married such a person. What one must realize about these narcissists is that they are masters at their game. If every person bolted from a relationship based on any small infraction, you may not find the person that you are very happily married to today. That is called compromise. Those relationships are based on give and take. I was lead to believe that I had the problem and I needed to change. If I can make one statement today I would like to say that you should never ridicule a person that was in this type of relationship. Men and women, both, can be victims of domestic violence.
So how does parental alienation fit into this? PA is an extension of the control by the abuser. You divorced me and I cannot control you anymore in our home, extends to I still can control you through our children.
There is nothing that can hurt a parent more than not being able to be part of our children's lives. Abusers know this and use this to their advantage. They will either twist parental alienation as an "excuse" for them not being able to see their children and have you accused of parental alienation, or they will employ the same tactics on the child as they used on you so you are not part of that child's life.
So are domestic violence and parental alienation related? I say they are as they are tactics used to control and hurt a person.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Monday, December 08, 2008
48 hrs mystery story
Here is a story posted on the CBS 48 hours mystery series called "Secrets From The Grave" and was posted Aug. 19, 2006. Although I do not recall seeing the words parental alienation used in this story, it does not take long to hear those ringing bells and see the red flags suggesting so. A manipulative woman got a divorce from her husband without his knowledge and then accused him of abuse against their child. Sound familiar? Again a parent used the system and destroyed a family and the child is the one who suffers.
It is a story about a man named Bill Flint who met his wife Cassandra in 1988 and they married a few months later. They had one child, referred to as "Jane" in the story and she was the light of his life. Shortly after "Jane" was born, their marriage started to have problems and they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In 1993, Bill Flint learned that he was divorced. He found out when the sheriff showed up at his door to escort him off the property. It seems that his wife pursued a divorce without anyone knowing it and was able to obtain it as well. Since he was not present at his own divorce hearing, the one that he had no knowledge of, he ended up paying dearly. He would find that he was accused by his ex wife of molesting his daughter and the judge believed her, which lead to supervised visits with his daughter. When he was found not guilty of the abuse charges he decided he would fight for custody of his daughter. This would eventually cost him his life.
What causes a parent to hate and despise their spouse so much that they would deprive their own child a parent that helped bring the child into the world? This is not normal behavior and sadly these stories play over and over again.
When a parent denies their child access to the other parent and tells their child that the other parent is bad and they hate the other parent, they are sending the message to the child that they hate half of their child.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
It is a story about a man named Bill Flint who met his wife Cassandra in 1988 and they married a few months later. They had one child, referred to as "Jane" in the story and she was the light of his life. Shortly after "Jane" was born, their marriage started to have problems and they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In 1993, Bill Flint learned that he was divorced. He found out when the sheriff showed up at his door to escort him off the property. It seems that his wife pursued a divorce without anyone knowing it and was able to obtain it as well. Since he was not present at his own divorce hearing, the one that he had no knowledge of, he ended up paying dearly. He would find that he was accused by his ex wife of molesting his daughter and the judge believed her, which lead to supervised visits with his daughter. When he was found not guilty of the abuse charges he decided he would fight for custody of his daughter. This would eventually cost him his life.
What causes a parent to hate and despise their spouse so much that they would deprive their own child a parent that helped bring the child into the world? This is not normal behavior and sadly these stories play over and over again.
When a parent denies their child access to the other parent and tells their child that the other parent is bad and they hate the other parent, they are sending the message to the child that they hate half of their child.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Actions speak louder than words
I attempt to post entries that are relevant to parental alienation, based on my own experiences and from the stories I hear from other parents. Many times I will come up with a new post based on what my recent keyword analysis has been that has lead one to my blog. I then attempt to gather my thoughts and write. I have had several keywords show up concerning personality disorders and how they ruin holidays, emotional abuse and false allegations of abuse.
I strongly believe that the alienating parent does suffer from a personality disorder, which I have written about in previous posts. I also believe that other target parents believe this as well. Proving this theory may be next to impossible though. I believe that people with the personality disorders, such as narcissism, are intelligent enough to take these mental exams and answer according to the normal society standards. I remember that both my ex spouse and I had to take this exam and he later told me what he wanted to answer for some of the questions but he didn't. Then he laughed in my face.
Some of the actions by the alienating parent are conscious and spoken to the child in their campaign to degrade the target parent. Other actions are subconscious and these unspoken actions have lasting effects. Actions speak louder than words.
Some things that come to mind that perhaps a reader could relate to are: you work with a team member that says they are for teamwork, but takes the credit for your work; a friend that says they will be there for you when needed but when you call they are busy and 'forget" to call you back; a sales person tells you what you need to hear to get the sale, but when you need customer service they claim they never said those things.
Alienating parents not only use degrading words to discredit the target parent, but they also use actions and those actions do speak louder than words. The alienating parent then also has an excuse to say they never said anything, which they didn't, but their actions spoke volumes.
The alienating parent may tell the child that their other parent does not care for them like they do. Repeating those words will not have the effect that the actions will have. The alienating parent will call the child to check up on them, not once, but several times a day. If the child is having fun with the target parent and does not answer their call, the alienating parent becomes frantic and will let the child know that they were so worried about them and not to let them worry like that again. The alienating parent may leave messages as well during the day and night to the child letting them know that they are thinking of them, they miss them and to contact them with any needs or concerns. The alienating parent will also tell them that the child can call them at any time and they will come and get them if needed. This constant phone contact keeps the child on edge and can even work in favor of the alienating parent. The child may want to call the alienating parent to tell them some great news and when the alienating parent does not answer, the child can become frantic that something terrible has happened. This is an example from my own personal experience. My son wanted to call his dad about something he did and his father did not answer the phone. Repeated calls went unanswered and my son freaked out. He started calling others that have contact with his dad asking where he was. When his dad finally answered he told him he left his cellphone in the car when he got out and was only gone a few minutes and he was sorry he missed his call. This action cemented into my son's mind that he needed to also protect his dad.
The alienating parent may verbally claim that the other parent does not feed the child. These claims can be made to child protective services as well. CPS can come and make their investigation and find that this allegation is false. The alienating parent will tell the child that the agency did not properly do their job. Their next move may be that when the child visits they bring groceries to the target parents home so the child has food to eat. There is no need for the extra food, but this is done by the alienating parent to cement the need by the child for the alienating parent. Again, these actions speak louder than words.
The alienating parent may make allegations that the target parent does not care for the child medically. They may take the child to medical professionals seeking assistance for a feigned problem that the accusation was the direct cause from the lack of care by the target parent. Of course there is no medical problem for the child, but the alienating parent is looking for a person that has the legal responsibility to make allegations of abuse against the target parent. When these actions do not result in the desired outcome, the alienating parent will tell others that these medical professionals were not doing their job.
When the target parent protests these invasions they are often told they are over reacting. Phone contact should be allowed and why are you trying to deny it? You are being ungrateful for the food brought to your home and this was done for you child. Are you denying the extra food for your child? You should be thankful that a medical problem was being addressed, are you denying medical care? This is how the alienating parents operates. The attorneys and judges look at the objections by the target parent to these intrusions and explanations that are part of the campaign of parental alienation and tell the target parent to lighten up.
Those in authority,that can put a stop to parental alienation, must realize that it is a collection of words and behaviors, conscious and subconscious, by the alienating parent and that the target parent is only trying to maintain a relationship with their children. Until then nothing will change.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I strongly believe that the alienating parent does suffer from a personality disorder, which I have written about in previous posts. I also believe that other target parents believe this as well. Proving this theory may be next to impossible though. I believe that people with the personality disorders, such as narcissism, are intelligent enough to take these mental exams and answer according to the normal society standards. I remember that both my ex spouse and I had to take this exam and he later told me what he wanted to answer for some of the questions but he didn't. Then he laughed in my face.
Some of the actions by the alienating parent are conscious and spoken to the child in their campaign to degrade the target parent. Other actions are subconscious and these unspoken actions have lasting effects. Actions speak louder than words.
Some things that come to mind that perhaps a reader could relate to are: you work with a team member that says they are for teamwork, but takes the credit for your work; a friend that says they will be there for you when needed but when you call they are busy and 'forget" to call you back; a sales person tells you what you need to hear to get the sale, but when you need customer service they claim they never said those things.
Alienating parents not only use degrading words to discredit the target parent, but they also use actions and those actions do speak louder than words. The alienating parent then also has an excuse to say they never said anything, which they didn't, but their actions spoke volumes.
The alienating parent may tell the child that their other parent does not care for them like they do. Repeating those words will not have the effect that the actions will have. The alienating parent will call the child to check up on them, not once, but several times a day. If the child is having fun with the target parent and does not answer their call, the alienating parent becomes frantic and will let the child know that they were so worried about them and not to let them worry like that again. The alienating parent may leave messages as well during the day and night to the child letting them know that they are thinking of them, they miss them and to contact them with any needs or concerns. The alienating parent will also tell them that the child can call them at any time and they will come and get them if needed. This constant phone contact keeps the child on edge and can even work in favor of the alienating parent. The child may want to call the alienating parent to tell them some great news and when the alienating parent does not answer, the child can become frantic that something terrible has happened. This is an example from my own personal experience. My son wanted to call his dad about something he did and his father did not answer the phone. Repeated calls went unanswered and my son freaked out. He started calling others that have contact with his dad asking where he was. When his dad finally answered he told him he left his cellphone in the car when he got out and was only gone a few minutes and he was sorry he missed his call. This action cemented into my son's mind that he needed to also protect his dad.
The alienating parent may verbally claim that the other parent does not feed the child. These claims can be made to child protective services as well. CPS can come and make their investigation and find that this allegation is false. The alienating parent will tell the child that the agency did not properly do their job. Their next move may be that when the child visits they bring groceries to the target parents home so the child has food to eat. There is no need for the extra food, but this is done by the alienating parent to cement the need by the child for the alienating parent. Again, these actions speak louder than words.
The alienating parent may make allegations that the target parent does not care for the child medically. They may take the child to medical professionals seeking assistance for a feigned problem that the accusation was the direct cause from the lack of care by the target parent. Of course there is no medical problem for the child, but the alienating parent is looking for a person that has the legal responsibility to make allegations of abuse against the target parent. When these actions do not result in the desired outcome, the alienating parent will tell others that these medical professionals were not doing their job.
When the target parent protests these invasions they are often told they are over reacting. Phone contact should be allowed and why are you trying to deny it? You are being ungrateful for the food brought to your home and this was done for you child. Are you denying the extra food for your child? You should be thankful that a medical problem was being addressed, are you denying medical care? This is how the alienating parents operates. The attorneys and judges look at the objections by the target parent to these intrusions and explanations that are part of the campaign of parental alienation and tell the target parent to lighten up.
Those in authority,that can put a stop to parental alienation, must realize that it is a collection of words and behaviors, conscious and subconscious, by the alienating parent and that the target parent is only trying to maintain a relationship with their children. Until then nothing will change.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving, why?
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As we enter the holiday season of Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year, this can be a very difficult time for parents who are separated from their children because of parental alienation. They may have a court order that states they have holiday visitation, but they may not get to spend time with their children because the alienating parent interferes once again. It is difficult enough that target parents have weekend visitations taken away or interfered with, but the holiday interference really puts the icing on the cake so to speak. Holidays are stressful enough without the added aggravation. Perhaps it is the notion that we spend hours making the perfect dinner and everyone gathers around a table to eat and we share special moments isn't all that it is cracked up to be.
The three main triggers for depression and stress during the holidays are finances, physical demands and relationships. As a mother, I want to have the so called perfect holidays be it with the meal, decorations or the gift giving. With the state of the economy right now, this places demands and stresses to do what I can with less. These demands, although stressful, I can handle. I get excited being to save and being creative. Some of the demands are self induced be it doing more than one can afford, not knowing when to say no or trying to buy expensive needless gifts. I have always thought that the holidays are about family and about gifts from the heart. So this brings me to relationships.
The holidays can be a painful reminder of the death of a loved one who has passed during the holiday season. They can also be painful that you may be alone or if a target parent, that you are unable to spend the holiday time with your children. If a loved one has recently died or you aren't able to be with your loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness or grief. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.
So as we enter the holiday season, I ask Happy Thanksgiving, why? I do not get to spend time with my son. I cannot even hear his voice. As usual, my phone calls go answered, messages that are left are ignored. In this age of technology, the emails and text messages left are also ignored. So I can be depressed or I can think of what I am thankful for.
I am thankful that I have a job. I am thankful that I am not homeless and that I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in and clean clothes to wear. I am thankful that I can prepare a meal today and have the ability to share. I am thankful that I do not have to worry when my next meal will be. I am thankful to have friends that are supportive, even when I have been very difficult. I am thankful that I am not in a hospital right now because of some illness. I am thankful that my son is healthy and alive. I am thankful that I have the freedom to express my feelings and thoughts and the capacity to do so.
So in closing for today, realize that target parents may very well be somewhat down today and for the next several weeks. It is a difficult time for them.
I pray that one day not another parent will ever have to experience the pain and heartbreak of parental alienation.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Could there be a correlation?
I strongly believe that allowing a child to continue to grow up in an environment that encourages parental alienation, that there has to be side effects that affect the child's emotional development. They are most likely going to believe that this behavior is acceptable and will continue these behaviors in their own relationships, thus becoming the alienator themselves. They are likely to become ridden with guilt, once they gain some maturity. I do not believe these children will have the capability to ever have a "normal" relationship with others. They may believe that one can lie and be deceitful to gain what they want. They are also likely to reject authoritative figures and have the attitude that they are "above the law" and do not have to follow rules or laws. I pretty much believe that these behaviors are a given considering the behaviors that they have experienced while growing up and developing emotionally.
A child's behavior is influenced not only by what goes on in the environment in which they live, but also by what they observe in adults. Their behaviors are learned through association, imitation, observation, pressure, needs, wants, influence and desires.
This brings me to what I want to talk about today. Could there be a correlation between crime committed by minors under the age of 18 and parental alienation? There are documented research cases that indicate that children from single parent homes are more likely to be involved in criminal activity. I found this quote, "According to one study, children raised in single-parent families are one-third more likely to exhibit anti-social behavior". I can find documentation that children raised without fathers also have a higher criminal activity as well. I found these quotes; "Nearly 70 percent of juveniles in state reform institutions come from fatherless homes, as do 43 percent of prison inmates". " Research indicates a direct correlation between crime rates and the number of single-parent families in a neighborhood".
It does not matter if these children were raised without a father or a mother, these children did not obviously have the interaction of the other parent. I have to wonder why. Parents walk away from their children and we tend to hear that it is the father that does this. So is he the dead beat dad? Why? What circumstances lead up to his leaving? I do believe that some parents, both mothers and fathers, fit the typical media description of a dead beat parent, but I think many parents want the involvement and can not possibly jump through the hoops that the custodial parent and the courts demand. For example, I know of one father that worked the night shift. He was only allowed to see his child during the week and during specific daylight hours. His job had mandatory overtime and he worked a Monday through Friday shift. He was not allowed to see his child during the weekend. So he was to work, sleep, and see his child when the courts said so and if overtime, which was mandatory, interfered with his visitation, he could not see his child on a weekend when he did not work. I know of a mother who worked a night shift as well, but was told by the courts that she could not work this shift more than two nights per week or she could not have access to her children. So are they deadbeat parents or parents that cannot possibly conform to the ridiculous rules set upon them? Let me also state that before someone wants to state that the parent should have adjusted their work schedule or found a new job. Child support is based upon the income that this parent was making. Your spouse worked this job and you enjoyed this income prior to the divorce and expect the same level of lifestyle. You made arrangements, when married, based on your spouses work schedule for child care, so you could have this level of lifestyle, but now that you are divorced, you expect your spouse to continue this income without any compromises. This could be one major reason that a parent so called walks away. They don't want to, but they cannot do what is demanded.
So how does parental alienation fit into this scenario? The constraints set forth by a vindictive spouse allows them to make statements such as " we do not have the money because your dad or mom......" "Your father or mother changed jobs and makes less now, but we don't have the money for....." " I am sorry you did not get to spend time with your dad or mom this time, their works means more to them than you"
In parental alienation cases, there is a pattern of abuse; false allegations, refusal of parenting time, lies and deceit. The child learns that deceit gains the parent something, even if for a short period of time. They also learn that this misrepresentation goes unpunished. False allegations of abuse in divorce is an epidemic. Children are becoming the heirs to hatred passed down to them from their parents. This is all that they know, and they in turn foster this pain, hatred and deceptiveness in their own adult relationships.
Have you listened to the news? Have you listened to the description of the crimes committed? Have you listened to the ages of the suspects? Where do these children get these ideas to commit these crimes? Could it be that they see a parent, that does not set an example, that if you do not follow the rules and laws that the punishment is nothing more than a slap on the wrist?
If anyone thinks that parental alienation is nothing more than hogwash and that these children will not suffer some consequences, then all I have to say is to take off your blindfolds and open your ears.
This presidential election campaign was about change. We can either change the laws regarding custody issues or we can see a change in the amount of dysfunctional families, which will increase the crime. Now it is up to you, to help change the laws about custody. Do not empower a child, that has no idea of what they are doing and punish these parents that make these false allegations of abuse and damage their children by their alienating behaviors.
Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!
A child's behavior is influenced not only by what goes on in the environment in which they live, but also by what they observe in adults. Their behaviors are learned through association, imitation, observation, pressure, needs, wants, influence and desires.
This brings me to what I want to talk about today. Could there be a correlation between crime committed by minors under the age of 18 and parental alienation? There are documented research cases that indicate that children from single parent homes are more likely to be involved in criminal activity. I found this quote, "According to one study, children raised in single-parent families are one-third more likely to exhibit anti-social behavior". I can find documentation that children raised without fathers also have a higher criminal activity as well. I found these quotes; "Nearly 70 percent of juveniles in state reform institutions come from fatherless homes, as do 43 percent of prison inmates". " Research indicates a direct correlation between crime rates and the number of single-parent families in a neighborhood".
It does not matter if these children were raised without a father or a mother, these children did not obviously have the interaction of the other parent. I have to wonder why. Parents walk away from their children and we tend to hear that it is the father that does this. So is he the dead beat dad? Why? What circumstances lead up to his leaving? I do believe that some parents, both mothers and fathers, fit the typical media description of a dead beat parent, but I think many parents want the involvement and can not possibly jump through the hoops that the custodial parent and the courts demand. For example, I know of one father that worked the night shift. He was only allowed to see his child during the week and during specific daylight hours. His job had mandatory overtime and he worked a Monday through Friday shift. He was not allowed to see his child during the weekend. So he was to work, sleep, and see his child when the courts said so and if overtime, which was mandatory, interfered with his visitation, he could not see his child on a weekend when he did not work. I know of a mother who worked a night shift as well, but was told by the courts that she could not work this shift more than two nights per week or she could not have access to her children. So are they deadbeat parents or parents that cannot possibly conform to the ridiculous rules set upon them? Let me also state that before someone wants to state that the parent should have adjusted their work schedule or found a new job. Child support is based upon the income that this parent was making. Your spouse worked this job and you enjoyed this income prior to the divorce and expect the same level of lifestyle. You made arrangements, when married, based on your spouses work schedule for child care, so you could have this level of lifestyle, but now that you are divorced, you expect your spouse to continue this income without any compromises. This could be one major reason that a parent so called walks away. They don't want to, but they cannot do what is demanded.
So how does parental alienation fit into this scenario? The constraints set forth by a vindictive spouse allows them to make statements such as " we do not have the money because your dad or mom......" "Your father or mother changed jobs and makes less now, but we don't have the money for....." " I am sorry you did not get to spend time with your dad or mom this time, their works means more to them than you"
In parental alienation cases, there is a pattern of abuse; false allegations, refusal of parenting time, lies and deceit. The child learns that deceit gains the parent something, even if for a short period of time. They also learn that this misrepresentation goes unpunished. False allegations of abuse in divorce is an epidemic. Children are becoming the heirs to hatred passed down to them from their parents. This is all that they know, and they in turn foster this pain, hatred and deceptiveness in their own adult relationships.
Have you listened to the news? Have you listened to the description of the crimes committed? Have you listened to the ages of the suspects? Where do these children get these ideas to commit these crimes? Could it be that they see a parent, that does not set an example, that if you do not follow the rules and laws that the punishment is nothing more than a slap on the wrist?
If anyone thinks that parental alienation is nothing more than hogwash and that these children will not suffer some consequences, then all I have to say is to take off your blindfolds and open your ears.
This presidential election campaign was about change. We can either change the laws regarding custody issues or we can see a change in the amount of dysfunctional families, which will increase the crime. Now it is up to you, to help change the laws about custody. Do not empower a child, that has no idea of what they are doing and punish these parents that make these false allegations of abuse and damage their children by their alienating behaviors.
Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Understanding the Obsessive Alienator part 1
As a target parent myself, I am constantly trying to understand the dynamics of what makes the obsessed alienator tick. My simple answer is that my ex is a jerk who wants revenge for some perceived wrong that I did to him. That really does not explain why either. As for other parents who read this blog, they want to know why their alienating spouse or ex spouse is participating in these behaviors as well. For those that read this blog who have never experienced parental alienation, they may be wanting to understand as well. To preface this, I must say that I do not think that most can comprehend why the obsessed alienator behaves the way they do and that the obsessed alienator cannot give definitive reasoning with solid and undisputed facts to support their actions.
I believe that the obsessed alienator has characteristics of either a personality disorder or some emotional disorder. I believe that the obsessed alienator tends to either fall within the clinical descriptions for narcissism, sociopath or psychopath or may even possess characteristics of each of these disorders.
Obsessed alienators will use an array of tactics to "win". These tactics could be, but are not limited to; excessive litigation, alienating the child against the target parent, employing others in malicious actions against their ex spouse, lying, deception, false allegations of abuse and interference with visitation with the target parent. Theses actions could be repeated reports to child services for abuse. They will enlist the help of others to make these reports as well. They may go as far as taking the child to medical professionals, that have never had seen the child, and make accusations of abuse. They may contact teachers and remind them that they have a duty to report abuse and may even appear aggressive in their suggestions. Seeking the aid of other medical professionals and teachers can be done in the process of the initial alienation or after the alienating parent has exhausted their means through their own reports and reports made by the concerned friends and family that support the alienating parent. Lies could include allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, allegations of abuse against the child and mental instability alleged against the target parent to authorities. These allegations could also be made against a supportive partner of the target parent. With each allegation, there is some form of expense involved for the target parent. These can include court appearances and attorney fees. The obsessed alienator will impede visitation and use a number of tactics to prevent contact and will be persistent in their efforts. These can include phone calls not being answered or messages returned, disconnected phone numbers, email interference, postal mail not being delivered, refusal to cooperate in letting the other parent know about school functions, refusal to allow the other parent to have copies of school pictures and much more.
I believe that these tactics are used in a quest by the alienating parent to strip the target parent of their parental rights. They are not content with just winning custody, but want the other parent completely eliminated from the child's life. This is more than just denying the child or children access to the other parent, this is done to eliminate the other parent. It is done to make them non existent.
Today I will focus on the narcissist personality. I could write several pages describing this, but I will assume that you, as a reader, has suspicions or some knowledge of the narcissistic personality.
I believe that the obsessed alienator has characteristics of either a personality disorder or some emotional disorder. I believe that the obsessed alienator tends to either fall within the clinical descriptions for narcissism, sociopath or psychopath or may even possess characteristics of each of these disorders.
Obsessed alienators will use an array of tactics to "win". These tactics could be, but are not limited to; excessive litigation, alienating the child against the target parent, employing others in malicious actions against their ex spouse, lying, deception, false allegations of abuse and interference with visitation with the target parent. Theses actions could be repeated reports to child services for abuse. They will enlist the help of others to make these reports as well. They may go as far as taking the child to medical professionals, that have never had seen the child, and make accusations of abuse. They may contact teachers and remind them that they have a duty to report abuse and may even appear aggressive in their suggestions. Seeking the aid of other medical professionals and teachers can be done in the process of the initial alienation or after the alienating parent has exhausted their means through their own reports and reports made by the concerned friends and family that support the alienating parent. Lies could include allegations of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, allegations of abuse against the child and mental instability alleged against the target parent to authorities. These allegations could also be made against a supportive partner of the target parent. With each allegation, there is some form of expense involved for the target parent. These can include court appearances and attorney fees. The obsessed alienator will impede visitation and use a number of tactics to prevent contact and will be persistent in their efforts. These can include phone calls not being answered or messages returned, disconnected phone numbers, email interference, postal mail not being delivered, refusal to cooperate in letting the other parent know about school functions, refusal to allow the other parent to have copies of school pictures and much more.
I believe that these tactics are used in a quest by the alienating parent to strip the target parent of their parental rights. They are not content with just winning custody, but want the other parent completely eliminated from the child's life. This is more than just denying the child or children access to the other parent, this is done to eliminate the other parent. It is done to make them non existent.
Today I will focus on the narcissist personality. I could write several pages describing this, but I will assume that you, as a reader, has suspicions or some knowledge of the narcissistic personality.
Narcissists will and do contradict everything they say, but will do it in such a way, that you will question your own sanity. They will contradict things that you know as fact, things you have experienced together and even contradict their explanations. You cannot reason with a narcissist and I would not suggest trying. You have to keep precise notes and if at all possible, have another person with you on any contact that you will have that can serve as a witness to what was said. You will not win a he said, she said argument with a narcissus. Narcissists do not feel empathy and will feign sympathy to gain your "trust". The more one opens up to a narcissist, the more the narcissist has as tools against you.
Narcissists are competitive and envious. They believe they deserve more and could do whatever project better. In my experience of living with a narcissistic I found that I was told how to dress, behave and how to have my home present as the narcissist is always trying to live up to some perceived idea of success. The phrase that comes to mind is "keeping up with the Joneses". We had to fit this idealistic perception that we were of some social class, some upper class society. This is where one can alienate a narcissist by questioning them. The narcissistic can appear and even talk in social circles that are out of their league, but further questioning will bring the truth. A narcissus does not want to be found that their projection is a lie. Of course doing this brings the wrath that only a narcissistic person can deliver.
Narcissists are critical of personal criticism, but are very critical of others. One thing that comes to mind is the hurricanes that hit, especially Katrina. My ex's attitude was that these people that lived so close to the coast knew of the dangers and it is their fault. If you have criticized a narcissus, then you are well aware of the wrath you will receive. Criticism also puts them at a disadvantage and you can use this to your advantage. You just have to listen very well and keep very detailed notes and or recordings.
Narcissists are sarcastic and attempt to use sarcasm as their joking mechanism. Comments I have heard my ex say to his mother, myself and in the background when talking to my son were: The cookies are burnt on the bottom, must be they are done, Oh look she burnt dinner again, Dinner is not done till the roast is burnt and much more. This is their idea of humor and it is always at the expense of another.
Narcissists feel they are entitled to things. Be it a better job, house and possessions. To gain these material attributes they will lie and steal to achieve this perception. Do not expect a narcissist to be overindulgent with you after they have captured the prey though. Perception to others that they are better and have more is important to them. I could further elaborate on my personal experiences, but will refrain at this moment. Suffice it as my ex has records of theft, embezzlement and forgery, all of which are public record.
Narcissists are manipulative, cunning, deceitful, controlling, charming and persistent. If they feel they can win you over and gain something or take something from you, they will stop at nothing to reach their goal.
Although this may not help you understand many things, remember that once you were dazzled by your ex's behavior, demeanor and bullshit. They captured your attention and love and you gave your all to them. They did not return the level of love that you gave them and they are doing the same to your child. Only when you realized the lies and deceptions could you separate yourself and it took time to realize this. Your child will too one day realize this as well. When? I cannot answer that. You have to have faith that your child or children will eventually get tired of being held hostage in mind, soul and body, just like you did.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
False Allegations of abuse
As usual, I am researching parental alienation and found some more information. I came across this site today: http://jsoltys.wordpress.com/2008/04/04/false-allegations-a-true-storymaking-sense-of-it-all/
This is a story told by a friend of the tribulations that many target parents experience and that is false allegations. The author writes "This is a true story describing what a friend of mine is presently going through. I never thought I would be writing about the realities of false allegations from such a personal perspective. However, this experience has shown me the extent of the damage done to those falsely accused." The author goes on to write some conversation between him and his friend, Josh, who is going through a divorce. "Didn’t anybody stop to think how an angry, vindictive person can use these laws to ruin another person’s life? What the hell kinda of democracy do we live in”
This really hit home with me. I was falsely accused of child abuse. I was notified at first by a message left on my answering service that my son had been taken into "protective custody". My first thought was " Oh my God, what has happened?" Never did the thought that my ex would abuse our child enter my mind. Granted my ex is no saint and is abusive, but never did I think he would hurt our child. He was abusive to his wives, which by now he has several ex wives, all whom have reports of domestic violence against them by his hands. He has children from another marriage and from our union as well, and he always "appeared" to love his children. Therefore, I had other unimaginable thoughts racing through my mind as to what could have happened that would warrant such a message left for me.
Little did I know, that I entered a world of false allegations and nothing can be done to those that make these allegations.
I would spend the week after I received this message in a state of confusion and desperation. Sleeping, eating and my well being took a back seat. Pretty much the next five or more days were a blur to me. I talked to anyone that would listen at anytime of the day or night. I could not eat, I could not sleep. By day five, my body had enough. Without sleep and proper nutrition, I was experiencing heart palpitations and mental breakdown. I could either continue on this self destruction or gather the strength to fight with all I had. I chose to fight and to do that, I had to pull myself together.
I remember after the accusations against me, gathering my own evidence and being interrogated by these so called professionals doing the investigation. I would learn from their comments on visits to my home, some of the other allegations made against me. The investigator came in and sat down and immediately stated " house is clean". I wondered, "what does that mean?" I realized an allegation had been made that my house was not clean. This was another accusation in an attempt to strip me of my parental rights. The investigator had to take pictures of my refrigerator and pantry, because an allegation was made that I do not have food in my house and I do not feed my son. When the investigator took the pictures he made the comment that "drug dealers do not have food in their homes." Again, I would realize that this was another allegation against me.
For as preposterous as this and the other blog sounds about false allegations, I must say these false allegations exist and are investigated. There is no accountability against those that make these false allegations. They are protected because they made them in good faith. When these investigators come in and do their assessment and find that the allegations have no merit, I feel they should return to the complainant and file charges. That will never happen and this cycle of abuse will continue.
Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!
This is a story told by a friend of the tribulations that many target parents experience and that is false allegations. The author writes "This is a true story describing what a friend of mine is presently going through. I never thought I would be writing about the realities of false allegations from such a personal perspective. However, this experience has shown me the extent of the damage done to those falsely accused." The author goes on to write some conversation between him and his friend, Josh, who is going through a divorce. "Didn’t anybody stop to think how an angry, vindictive person can use these laws to ruin another person’s life? What the hell kinda of democracy do we live in”
This really hit home with me. I was falsely accused of child abuse. I was notified at first by a message left on my answering service that my son had been taken into "protective custody". My first thought was " Oh my God, what has happened?" Never did the thought that my ex would abuse our child enter my mind. Granted my ex is no saint and is abusive, but never did I think he would hurt our child. He was abusive to his wives, which by now he has several ex wives, all whom have reports of domestic violence against them by his hands. He has children from another marriage and from our union as well, and he always "appeared" to love his children. Therefore, I had other unimaginable thoughts racing through my mind as to what could have happened that would warrant such a message left for me.
Little did I know, that I entered a world of false allegations and nothing can be done to those that make these allegations.
I would spend the week after I received this message in a state of confusion and desperation. Sleeping, eating and my well being took a back seat. Pretty much the next five or more days were a blur to me. I talked to anyone that would listen at anytime of the day or night. I could not eat, I could not sleep. By day five, my body had enough. Without sleep and proper nutrition, I was experiencing heart palpitations and mental breakdown. I could either continue on this self destruction or gather the strength to fight with all I had. I chose to fight and to do that, I had to pull myself together.
I remember after the accusations against me, gathering my own evidence and being interrogated by these so called professionals doing the investigation. I would learn from their comments on visits to my home, some of the other allegations made against me. The investigator came in and sat down and immediately stated " house is clean". I wondered, "what does that mean?" I realized an allegation had been made that my house was not clean. This was another accusation in an attempt to strip me of my parental rights. The investigator had to take pictures of my refrigerator and pantry, because an allegation was made that I do not have food in my house and I do not feed my son. When the investigator took the pictures he made the comment that "drug dealers do not have food in their homes." Again, I would realize that this was another allegation against me.
For as preposterous as this and the other blog sounds about false allegations, I must say these false allegations exist and are investigated. There is no accountability against those that make these false allegations. They are protected because they made them in good faith. When these investigators come in and do their assessment and find that the allegations have no merit, I feel they should return to the complainant and file charges. That will never happen and this cycle of abuse will continue.
Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!
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