I ruffled some feathers today. It was not intentional, but it happened. I figured saying I ruffled some feathers sounded better than saying I pissed some people off today. OK, now I said it!
I know where my heart is concerning the topic of parental alienation and I am pretty sure I know where I stand concerning parental alienation too. A situation arose today that sent some red flags up for me and I acted upon them. In this situation, the father, was the one I suspected of being either alienated or very much in the process of being alienated. I spoke to the father privately and gave him a flyer about parental alienation and also gave him my email address and name. I am not sure if others around me knew I did this, but I did see some things and overheard conversations later that made me angry. To protect identity's, I will not elaborate any further about the situation.
I do want to point out that I write this blog based on my personal experiences and from those I know affected by parental alienation. I am female, I am a mother, and I feel my ex husband did a number on me, does not care about our child and uses our child to hurt me as well. This is not about me or my ex husband. This is about children being torn from parents that love them and the children want the relationship with both parents, but one parent carries out the revenge by convincing their children to hate a parent. I think my ex is a chump, but does that mean he does not love our son or want a relationship with him. This is not for me to decide. Unfortunately, my ex decided that our son wants nothing to do with me. That was not his decision either.
I wish parents, who are supposed to be the adults, could put aside the personal feelings they have for the ex partner and let these children love both parents. This is what I stand for.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Showing posts with label gossip. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gossip. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
My post for the day
OK, I admit the title leaves little to be desired, but then again this post I came across today does the same. There is a controversy about parental alienation among the certain lines of thought. It exists, it does not exist, it is junk science, it is not junk science, etc., you get my point. Granted, parental alienation is not in the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but the personality types of the parents who alienate their children are, such as narcissist, sociopath and such.
I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.
"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.
I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.
Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.
Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.
You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.
What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent.
http://parentalalienation.blogspot.com/"
My thoughts for the day.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I came across this post in response to the recent Canadian court case about parental alienation. Quite honestly, today, I am tired and do not feel like doing the copy and paste of the article and the court decision, if you have not come across these. Please click the links and read them and come back to my page. I did leave a comment, which I think has to be approved and not sure it will be, so I will post my comment here.
"As a mother myself who does not have custody of her ONLY child, I applaud the decision of this judge. For a parent, mother or father, who intentionally sets out on a path to destroy the parent-child bond, does not deserve to be called a parent. As to the term parental alienation and the arguments that it does not exist, I am here to say that “it”, whatever word used to describe the process, DOES exist. A child does not suddenly turn against a parent and has hatred in their heart for a parent. A child three days prior would not kiss you goodnight and say they love you and three days later profess that you abuse them.
I am well aware of domestic violence as my ex husband was abusive to me and I have court records proving such. I also can provide court records of abuse to a wife after our marriage. The fact remains that he is the father of our child. We conceived our son out of love at one point in our lives and our child does have the right to know his father. Yes, I refer often to “our” child because this child was produced from two people.
Parental alienation is abuse, it is mental abuse, and it is a continuation of the domestic violence that I endured. Parental alienation is about control as well. It is control of the child’s mind.
Although Dr. Gardner refers to mothers as the perpetrators of this heinous act, if you open your mind to the fact that this control and abuse of a child does exist, you will find that fathers are now included in these studies. I am not here to discredit fathers or mothers, I am here to state that parental alienation exists and that it is not gender specific.
You mention a child’s right. They should have the right to love both parents without the interference of a vindictive ex spouse spewing their own hatred to the child.
What message do we as parents send to our child when we state how bad the other parent is and how much we hate the other parent? We are telling our child that we hate HALF of them because of this parent.
http://parentalalienation.blogspot.com/"
My thoughts for the day.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
I have had several conversations or discussions about a subject that I think I have come up with an appropriate title for my post today. There seems to be many questions when talking with other target parents about contact with their alienated child and how the court orders read. There also seems to be an opinion, by people that do not understand parental alienation, that one should let go and wait until the child matures. The main consensus seems to be to absent yourself from the child's life until the child "realizes" what has happened. This is how I came about my title today.
I have been told that I am a rebel and I guess I have to agree with that. I do not act this way to cause harm and am certainly not violent in my actions. I will question and if I believe I am correct I will seek to improve the conditions. Many of the laws we have today are because a person stood up for what they believed in and did something to help change them. This is what I identify myself with.
Many times I hear a parent say they are at a loss at what to do about their child. I ask if they see them or not and how much contact they have. Many times I hear that they are not allowed to see their child and are only allowed one phone call and can mail the child cards and gifts. I ask if they email their child and they tell me, the court order does not say I can email. These parents are afraid that if they email their child they will be held in contempt for breaking the order. I can understand completely and do not advise anyone to break a court order. I can not tell you the last time I sent something via the postal service and email communication has become the norm in many institutions for communication. My options are the same if one sends me postal mail or email. I can choose to open the postal mail and I can choose to open the email. With email, I also have a delete option, something I do not have with postal mail. To send postal mail or email, many times I have no idea if the recipient even receives the mail. I also have the option to send certified return receipt mail and I can purchase a read receipt program for my email. I consider both ways (postal and email) communication via mail. The only thing I cannot do via email is to send gifts, but I can send links for money. I guess money could be considered a gift.
When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent does everything in their power to absent the child from the target parent's life. They find excuses to deny visitation. They also talk badly about the target parent to the child in hopes that the child will believe the rumors about the target parent. If the child has no opportunity to have exposure to the target parent, their heart does not grow fonder due to the absence, instead they start believing what the alienating parent claims. They may mature and seek the truth at a later date, but I think it is important that the target parent lets their child know that they love them, miss them and are always there for them. I have heard that this contact of letting the child know they are loved and missed can be interpreted as harassment. My question is when did a parent letting their child know the special place they hold in their heart become harassment? This is what is wrong with the system that allows alienating parents to control. This is why the laws must be changed.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I have had several conversations or discussions about a subject that I think I have come up with an appropriate title for my post today. There seems to be many questions when talking with other target parents about contact with their alienated child and how the court orders read. There also seems to be an opinion, by people that do not understand parental alienation, that one should let go and wait until the child matures. The main consensus seems to be to absent yourself from the child's life until the child "realizes" what has happened. This is how I came about my title today.
I have been told that I am a rebel and I guess I have to agree with that. I do not act this way to cause harm and am certainly not violent in my actions. I will question and if I believe I am correct I will seek to improve the conditions. Many of the laws we have today are because a person stood up for what they believed in and did something to help change them. This is what I identify myself with.
Many times I hear a parent say they are at a loss at what to do about their child. I ask if they see them or not and how much contact they have. Many times I hear that they are not allowed to see their child and are only allowed one phone call and can mail the child cards and gifts. I ask if they email their child and they tell me, the court order does not say I can email. These parents are afraid that if they email their child they will be held in contempt for breaking the order. I can understand completely and do not advise anyone to break a court order. I can not tell you the last time I sent something via the postal service and email communication has become the norm in many institutions for communication. My options are the same if one sends me postal mail or email. I can choose to open the postal mail and I can choose to open the email. With email, I also have a delete option, something I do not have with postal mail. To send postal mail or email, many times I have no idea if the recipient even receives the mail. I also have the option to send certified return receipt mail and I can purchase a read receipt program for my email. I consider both ways (postal and email) communication via mail. The only thing I cannot do via email is to send gifts, but I can send links for money. I guess money could be considered a gift.
When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent does everything in their power to absent the child from the target parent's life. They find excuses to deny visitation. They also talk badly about the target parent to the child in hopes that the child will believe the rumors about the target parent. If the child has no opportunity to have exposure to the target parent, their heart does not grow fonder due to the absence, instead they start believing what the alienating parent claims. They may mature and seek the truth at a later date, but I think it is important that the target parent lets their child know that they love them, miss them and are always there for them. I have heard that this contact of letting the child know they are loved and missed can be interpreted as harassment. My question is when did a parent letting their child know the special place they hold in their heart become harassment? This is what is wrong with the system that allows alienating parents to control. This is why the laws must be changed.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Ashley Scott murder trial in Memphis, TN...another domestic violence case
I would not normally attempt to blog about a murder trial that involves domestic violence. First and foremost, having been a victim of domestic violence, I may find it difficult to be objective in my writings. Then again, this blog is about parental alienation, to which I am the target parent and I may find it hard to be objective in my writings pertaining to this as well. I do my best and attempt to be objective, but that is not always easy to do. I am writing this today because I was sent a link by a friend who asked that I make a post about this. Little did I know that this would be a labored task. I have read the blogs about the trial and also did a bit of research as well and will now attempt to write about this case.
Let me state some facts and at the end of this I will have links I used in my research for this entry. Memphis is a city in the southwest corner of the state of Tennessee and it is the county seat of Shelby County. As of 2008, Memphis had an estimated population of 677,272, making it the largest city in the state of Tennessee , the second largest in the Southeastern United States, and the 18th largest in the United States. According to an article published April 13, 2008: 63,000: Domestic violence calls received in 2007 by law enforcement agencies in Memphis and Shelby County;
24,000: Domestic violence cases investigated; 4,014: Criminal domestic violence cases handled by the Domestic Violence Prosecution Unit in 2007 -- 3,295 misdemeanors and 719 felonies; 52: Percentage of crimes against persons in Shelby County that involve domestic violence; 50: Average number of aggravated domestic violence calls to the Memphis Police Department daily, or more than 18,000 a year; 22, 27, 23, 14: Number of of domestic homicides in Memphis in 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004, respectively. According to another article published Sunday, September 7, 2008, a death that was being written about was the 27th homicide linked to domestic violence in 2008, nearly double the number (14) at this time last year. According to another article: A woman is battered every 8 to 10 seconds in the United States (3-4 million times per year); A man is battered every 16 minutes in the United States (143,000 times per year); On average, Us medical schools require only two hours of training in adult domestic violence and less than half of family practice residencies require education about Intimate Partner Abuse. Thirty-one percent of female physicians and 14% of male physicians have personally experienced domestic violence. Thirty-one percent of nurses report that they or someone in their immediate families have experienced domestic violence.
These are alarming statistics! Domestic violence happens everyday somewhere to someone you know or know of. Domestic violence knows no bounds, knows no racial lines, knows no religious affiliations and knows no gender. Although statistics seem to have a higher percentage of female victims, I believe that the male percentage may be understated.
Now onto the story about Ashley Scott.
Ashley Scott, a teacher in Memphis, was 28 years old when she was beaten to death by her husband, Jeffrey Scott. On November 23, 2006 after an evening of drinking and arguments, Jeffrey beat his wife and left her in the garage. He claims that he brought her back inside and laid her on the floor by the fireplace at approximately 9am. At approximately noon, he attempted to move her to the bed. Around 2:30pm, he called a friend, who was a medical doctor, and asked that he come to his house alone. Since it was Thanksgiving Day, Jeff knew that his friend was most likely with his family. According to documents contained in the blogs, the paramedics received the 911 call at 3:13pm. At 7:52pm, Ashley was pronounced dead due to blunt force trauma to the head.
If this link works, you can hear the 911 call. In my opinion, Jeffrey Scott sounded too calm, cold and calculating. Shock? Decide for yourself if you listen to the tape.
"Uh, my wife is unconscious," said Scott on the tape.
McGee told the jury he believed Jeffrey to be in shock. He was calm as McGee started CPR.
"How's she breathing now, is it normal," asked a 911 dispatcher.
"Yes," said Scott.
"She's dead," McGee can be heard saying in the background.
"Sir, did I hear him say she was dead," asked the dispatcher.
"Yes. That's what he said," said Scott.
"You said she was breathing," the dispatcher said.
"She was. She was just a second ago," said Scott.
McGee told the jury he believed Jeffrey to be in shock. He was calm as McGee started CPR.
"How's she breathing now, is it normal," asked a 911 dispatcher.
"Yes," said Scott.
"She's dead," McGee can be heard saying in the background.
"Sir, did I hear him say she was dead," asked the dispatcher.
"Yes. That's what he said," said Scott.
"You said she was breathing," the dispatcher said.
"She was. She was just a second ago," said Scott.
The jury got to hear all the dirty laundry of the couple. They drank, perhaps even too much. Ashley had a DUI. They both had affairs. This was all done to discredit Ashley and to place the sympathy factor into the minds of the jurors. The use of alcohol was presented to discredit Ashley as she drank too much and had received a DUI. The victim is dead and cannot defend themselves, so the best thing a defense can do is to discredit them. Then the use of alcohol was brought up again, as the reason that the fight got out of control. The alcohol played a part, but it was Jeffrey's conscious decision to beat his wife and not to stop. The use of alcohol did not make him beat his wife, nor did it make him beat her to death. It became the crutch that the defense wished to use. Ashley drank, Ashely had a DUI, Ashely had a level above legal limit. All these portrayed the evils of alcohol. The defense went as far as having another doctor testify that perhaps Ashley's death was alcohol related. Then the defense raised the issue that Jeffrey had been drinking, almost saying that he was influenced by the alcohol and perhaps things got out of hand.
If you check any of the links I used to write this post, you can read the jury trial. The one thing I noticed was how familiar this story sounded. I could relate. Jeffrey was mean and abusive. He called his wife names, told her she was not a good teacher, told her she would not be a good mother, but they were supposedly attempting to have a baby. I read somewhere that Jeffrey said she would do right if she gave him a son. News flash for you! The man determines the sex of the child, the woman carries the baby until birth. He monitored her expenses, monitored her calls, monitored her friends, he was always checking up on her. Perhaps when these means of intimidation and coercion did not control his wife as he thought they should, he started in on the physical abuse. It was reported that Ashely went to school many times with heavy makeup and long sleeves, even when it was hot outside. This was done to hide the bruises.
This what abusers do. They control by any means they can and when those means stop working they up the tactics. There is a difference between constructive criticism and outright offending and demeaning remarks. I was told I could not do certain things correctly, such as wash his shirts. Therefore, his shirt had to go to the dry cleaners. Therefore, I had to allow in the budget this expense. If I tried a new recipe for dinner that did not work out, instead of a comment of this one does not work, I was told I did not know how to cook. My home was clean or so I am told by people that have visited my home several times, but I was told by my ex that I did not know how to keep a home. Never mind that he did not offer to do it the way it was supposed to be. If I did not get a joke, I was told I was stupid. If I went to the store and took longer than he thought, I was accused of having an affair and was prohibited from going to the store alone. I did not handle the finances correctly and he would take care of them, but his bills would be paid first and then if I was good, he would allow for my bills to be paid. When I started standing up for myself, the physical control started. I was one of the lucky ones and got out before he placed me in a hospital or worse.
Little did I know that the abuse would continue after our divorce by the means of parental alienation. Now he controls our son's mind, like he did me at one time.
Please if you are a victim of domestic abuse, please seek some assistance. Tell your story. I feel this is important for the male victims as I believe they are silent. Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers will use these excuses for their violence.
The jury found Jeffrey Scott guilty of second-degree murder for the beating death of his wife, and he had the same reserved manner that he displayed on a 911 call played during his trial. He faces 15 to 25 years in prison when Judge James Lammey Jr. sentences him Feb. 19. There is no parole for second-degree murder, but he could earn a time reduction of up to 15 percent for good behavior. UPDATE: Jeffrey Scott received 25 years in prison without parole.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Why everyone needs to care about parental alienation...Oh the gossip never ends!
One may ask why I titled this post "Why everyone should care about parental alienation ...oh the gossip never ends". You may be happily married and both you and your spouse have a healthy and loving relationship with your children. Parental alienation does not affect you. It may not directly, but one day it will either directly or indirectly.
I do believe that everyone at one time or another has experienced alienation in one form or another. Some common words used to define alienation are; isolation, estrangement, separation and unfriendly. One area that alienation can happen quite a bit is in a work environment. Perhaps you have overheard gossip or rumors, or even participated as well in the conversations. The gossip and rumors can be started because one person does not like the other and their intentions is to persuade others to their side. Sometimes people gossip or tell rumors because they have nothing better to do or they like the attention they get. Other times they do this because their goal is to isolate the person they are talking about and they wish to discredit them for their own personal gain. It starts as a malicious attempt to slander someone and possibly to improve the social standing of the person who made up the story. Gossip gives one power over another. People who gossip believe lies, want to believe lies, and persuade others to believe lies. Gossip is censorship and a gross injustice. The one involved has no right to defend themselves. The subject of the gossip is the one who suffers alienation. Parental alienation is nothing more than gossip, rumors, lies and a gross injustice about a parent. The children are the ones that hear this gossip and believe it. The child ends up siding with the alienating parent and discredits the other parent with no basis of truth.
You may think there are no similarities between gossip at work or other situations where this happens and parental alienation. This is where you are wrong. You may think about the town gossip and know that you do not believe a word they say. You may even think about things you have heard and said "oh how preposterous". Alienating parents are preposterous but they are also very convincing. Unfortunately they convince the children, judges, attorneys and therapists about the rumors and gossip they tell about the other parent. Gossip has the uncanny ability of drawing more and more conclusions on less and less info.
You may be thinking that eventually the truth will come out. The truth is there, but often is not wanted to be heard. Many times, the alienating parents tells such lies that a target parent can not find the documentation to support the truth. If the target parent has documentation to support the truth against the lies told about them, it is not wanted to be heard. If a child seeks the truth, they do not want to know the bad things about the alienating parent. In my case, the alienating parent stated that I was guilty of some illegal behaviors. I did not have records of arrest, but I can only imagine that it was stated I either had connections or had not been caught yet. How does one "prove" they are not guilty of such indiscretions? The alienating parent, on the other hand, has records of arrest, not for what I was accused of, but for other violations.
Have you ever given any thought to what the destructive lies, gossip, rumors and allegations do to a child? Not only can they believe that the target parent does not care for them or love them, they can grow up to believe that this behavior is specific to the gender that the alienation is being maintained about. For instance a daughter can believe that all men are sexual predators, abusive to women, have extramarital affairs and fail to support their families. She may grow up with a resentment towards men and this will affect her relationships and interactions. A son can believe that all women are manipulators, they spend money that is not there and are not capable of making decisions. They may grow up to treat women abusively and this will also affect their relationships and interactions. Of course there are other scenarios as well. The one thing that alienated children are being taught is that they do not need to have respect for the target parent. This will unconsciously tell them that they do not have to have respect for the gender that they are being alienated against. This will affect future relationships and interactions.
Abuse follows a cycle and unless that cycle is broken it will continue. Think about that the next time you hear the latest "gossip". How much someone talks to you about others may be how much they talk to others about you!
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I do believe that everyone at one time or another has experienced alienation in one form or another. Some common words used to define alienation are; isolation, estrangement, separation and unfriendly. One area that alienation can happen quite a bit is in a work environment. Perhaps you have overheard gossip or rumors, or even participated as well in the conversations. The gossip and rumors can be started because one person does not like the other and their intentions is to persuade others to their side. Sometimes people gossip or tell rumors because they have nothing better to do or they like the attention they get. Other times they do this because their goal is to isolate the person they are talking about and they wish to discredit them for their own personal gain. It starts as a malicious attempt to slander someone and possibly to improve the social standing of the person who made up the story. Gossip gives one power over another. People who gossip believe lies, want to believe lies, and persuade others to believe lies. Gossip is censorship and a gross injustice. The one involved has no right to defend themselves. The subject of the gossip is the one who suffers alienation. Parental alienation is nothing more than gossip, rumors, lies and a gross injustice about a parent. The children are the ones that hear this gossip and believe it. The child ends up siding with the alienating parent and discredits the other parent with no basis of truth.
You may think there are no similarities between gossip at work or other situations where this happens and parental alienation. This is where you are wrong. You may think about the town gossip and know that you do not believe a word they say. You may even think about things you have heard and said "oh how preposterous". Alienating parents are preposterous but they are also very convincing. Unfortunately they convince the children, judges, attorneys and therapists about the rumors and gossip they tell about the other parent. Gossip has the uncanny ability of drawing more and more conclusions on less and less info.
You may be thinking that eventually the truth will come out. The truth is there, but often is not wanted to be heard. Many times, the alienating parents tells such lies that a target parent can not find the documentation to support the truth. If the target parent has documentation to support the truth against the lies told about them, it is not wanted to be heard. If a child seeks the truth, they do not want to know the bad things about the alienating parent. In my case, the alienating parent stated that I was guilty of some illegal behaviors. I did not have records of arrest, but I can only imagine that it was stated I either had connections or had not been caught yet. How does one "prove" they are not guilty of such indiscretions? The alienating parent, on the other hand, has records of arrest, not for what I was accused of, but for other violations.
Have you ever given any thought to what the destructive lies, gossip, rumors and allegations do to a child? Not only can they believe that the target parent does not care for them or love them, they can grow up to believe that this behavior is specific to the gender that the alienation is being maintained about. For instance a daughter can believe that all men are sexual predators, abusive to women, have extramarital affairs and fail to support their families. She may grow up with a resentment towards men and this will affect her relationships and interactions. A son can believe that all women are manipulators, they spend money that is not there and are not capable of making decisions. They may grow up to treat women abusively and this will also affect their relationships and interactions. Of course there are other scenarios as well. The one thing that alienated children are being taught is that they do not need to have respect for the target parent. This will unconsciously tell them that they do not have to have respect for the gender that they are being alienated against. This will affect future relationships and interactions.
Abuse follows a cycle and unless that cycle is broken it will continue. Think about that the next time you hear the latest "gossip". How much someone talks to you about others may be how much they talk to others about you!
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
