You have nothing to be ashmed of

If you are the target parent experiencing parental alienation, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that when I first learned about parental alienation first hand because I was being targeted, I was ashamed to talk about it. In my mind and from what we learn what is socially acceptable, mothers do not lose custody, they do not give up custody and mothers do not have children that despise every breath they take. Please do not misinterpret my words of socially acceptable to mean that it was accepted that fathers were hated by their children and it was expected that they lose custody and society accepted that.

For any parent that once shared a close bond with their children and now find themselves separated from their children and hated by them, through no actions of their own, you are not alone and you should not feel ashamed. I know that I once was ashamed, because how did it look to outsiders that my son hated me. My son and I shared a very close bond. We went to the zoo, went to museums, colored pictures together, read stories together, drove around at Christmas finding all the pretty lights, went on picnics and more. Everyone that knew me, knew that my son was with me if they saw me out. Then I became the target in the crime of parental alienation. My life as I knew it would forever be changed. No one understood how my child could hate me. It was a phase I was told. This was more than a phase, it was abuse to my son. I also got the looks that if I was accused of child abuse and other heinous allegations then there must be some truth to it. I could not talk about what was happening to anyone for many reasons. I did not understand myself what was happening and I found it difficult to explain. My child loving me yesterday and now hates me today is so foreign for anyone to understand. I, myself, could not understand how overnight everything changed. How could anyone else? Perhaps I did contribute to this, but how?

After I found out that there is a name to this hatred and abuse, I read everything I could read about it. Parental alienation was a foreign word to me and I read a lot about it. I would come to the conclusion that parental alienation has existed for a long time, even before it was given a name.

One of the most difficult things I read concerning parental alienation was the letting go part. Letting go to me, meant that I gave up on my son and I accepted that I may never have him back. I could not read that chapter without the tears flowing. The words became so blurred and I was not reading the message, I was only seeing what I thought it meant. I may be wrong, but I think letting go means letting go of the deep seated hurt that fuels one self to tell their side of the story. For me this meant, I wanted so much for my son to know both sides of the story. I did not do these heinous acts that I was accused of, I had documentation of acts that his father did and dammit, why? Letting go has taken on a different meaning for me now. It means having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. I cannot change what my son's father says about me or what he does to forbid access of our son to me. I can either live my life or dwell upon the past. I can also take solitude in the fact that children want to love both parents and I support that. When children mature or face a similar obstacle, they may come to that realization as well. I have read that children who are victims of parental alienation, do not want to know the story or the truth. They just want to love both parents without conditions placed upon them. Target parents are the ones that have loved their children unconditionally.

So if you are a target parent, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Read books about parental alienation, talk about your situation to others that are experiencing the same thing and continue to live. You are stronger than you think you are.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Last post of 2008

2008 was not so great.
It was filled with hate.
I hope that 2009
will be a better time.

Well that was my lame attempt at my so called "poetry". As I reflect back over the past year, I have to say that 2008 was not so great. The major story seems to be the economic problems, which has affected everyone I know.

There have been other stories as well and for target parents everywhere, their story has not changed. I am sure there are some more positive stories where parental alienation is concerned. Perhaps you are a parent that has been able to have some contact and that is great. In fact, I know of a father that did not contact with his son for over 15 years and during Christmas, he was able to see him and talk with him for the first time. I cried for him when I heard this. To those that have no idea of the heartbreak and sense of loss, you can not imagine the emotional roller coaster that target parents ride. I hope for him that this relationship will continue to grow and that he feels a sense of relief.

For the target parents that still have no contact, please do not ever give up hope and keep trying. Keep sending your letters, e-mails, text messages and other means of contact. You may not get a reply or you may get a nasty and negative reply. Do not let that deter you. Realize that those nasty and negative replies may not be what your son or daughter wants to relay to you, but remember that they are still being guided by the alienating parent. The alienating parent may be sending these messages electronically posing as the child. If you stop your contact, the alienating parent is still controlling your child and you. Your son or daughter may even call you and demand that you stop, but that alienating parent may be standing over them commanding that they say this. All research indicates that target parents who successfully reunited with their children did so because they would not give up. Don't give up!

As this year ends and a new one begins, I hope that 2009 will see changes where family law is concerned. Let's make 2009 the year of the child. The year where no child will ever have to pick one parent over the other. The year where no child will have to suffer the loss of a parent who loves them. The year where no child will have to subjected to this type of abuse again.

God Bless and Happy New Year!

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Christmas without my son

What was supposed to be a holly jolly time filled with lots of family, food, music and festivities was a very quiet time for me. I did celebrate with someone I love, but my son was missing.

It has been a difficult time for me since Thanksgiving, which seems to mark the start of the holiday season. I did not want to put up a Christmas tree nor decorate the home. I finally relented and did some basic decorating. I thought perhaps that would help me get into the spirit of Christmas. It really did not help. I now have a tree with some unwrapped gifts under it and a stocking hanging on the mantle that is filled. I still am holding out hope that maybe God will answer my prayer and my son will come home for Christmas. If not, I will place the gifts in his room and they will sit there until the day he decides to come home.

For many parents that are separated from their children because of parental alienation, their Christmas can also be a very difficult time. It is difficult being with other family members and watching their children. It brings back memories of the better times and it also reminds them of what they are missing. I know the solitude is difficult.

My wish for the New Year is that no other child will never be made to "hate" their parent, will never have to choose one parent over the other and will never feel sad because they cannot spend time with both parents. The laws can change and must change.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the ABUSE!

Attempting to get into the Christmas Spirit!

As I attempt to get into the Christmas Spirit, enjoy this video.

It is difficult when the holidays come around for target parents. For me, the holidays were a big time at my home, decorations, a tree, special holiday baking and treats. I loved the look, the madness of trying to make it special, but most of all I loved and cherished the look on my son's face. I loved the magic that Christmas meant to him and it was more than gifts, it was giving.

So don't feel sorry for me or other target parents, feel sorry for the children that are missing that special touch that was done for them by the parent that they cannot see this Christmas.

The lyrics to the song

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

48 hrs mystery story

Here is a story posted on the CBS 48 hours mystery series called "Secrets From The Grave" and was posted Aug. 19, 2006. Although I do not recall seeing the words parental alienation used in this story, it does not take long to hear those ringing bells and see the red flags suggesting so. A manipulative woman got a divorce from her husband without his knowledge and then accused him of abuse against their child. Sound familiar? Again a parent used the system and destroyed a family and the child is the one who suffers.

It is a story about a man named Bill Flint who met his wife Cassandra in 1988 and they married a few months later. They had one child, referred to as "Jane" in the story and she was the light of his life. Shortly after "Jane" was born, their marriage started to have problems and they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In 1993, Bill Flint learned that he was divorced. He found out when the sheriff showed up at his door to escort him off the property. It seems that his wife pursued a divorce without anyone knowing it and was able to obtain it as well. Since he was not present at his own divorce hearing, the one that he had no knowledge of, he ended up paying dearly. He would find that he was accused by his ex wife of molesting his daughter and the judge believed her, which lead to supervised visits with his daughter. When he was found not guilty of the abuse charges he decided he would fight for custody of his daughter. This would eventually cost him his life.

What causes a parent to hate and despise their spouse so much that they would deprive their own child a parent that helped bring the child into the world? This is not normal behavior and sadly these stories play over and over again.

When a parent denies their child access to the other parent and tells their child that the other parent is bad and they hate the other parent, they are sending the message to the child that they hate half of their child.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

The Anna Mae He Custody Case....Was there Parental Alienation?

The custody case of AMH made national headlines and if you have not heard about it, all I can suggest is to go ahead and google it. You will find several articles written about it. Some support the He's, Anna Mae's natural or birth parents and others support the Baker's, the foster parents. Whatever your opinion is about this case, it was a case fraught with accusations, tensions and a very lengthy legal battle over who should be allowed to care for Anna Mae.

I do not know either family and have no personal experience with either of them. All I "know" is what was written in the media, which I think slants articles and persuades the public right or wrong when needed. The case was presented as the He's, a Chinese family attempting to make their way in America, had a baby girl who was premature. Jack He, the father, was fighting his own legal battles and they needed help. According to written articles they placed Anna in foster care until they could get on their feet financially. This was to be temporary and later I read until Anna reached the age of 18. This sounded odd to me, but I also had to remember that there is a language barrier as well. I wish not to argue whether the He's could speak and write in English or understand, but what concerns me is the legalese that is used. I speak English and was brought up in the US and for the life of me, I can not always understand the legal wording of documents.

As I would read the stories presented in the media, I did not feel inclined either way towards which family would be best for Anna. The media painted a picture though. The Bakers were wealthier than the He's and could provide more for Anna. That does not make them better parents. From one news media article they print: "The Bakers live in a five-bedroom, 4,800-square-foot home in the Davies Plantation area east of town. Their $414,000 house sits on more than an acre of rolling Tennessee hills. There are colorful play sets in the well-groomed backyard. Inside there is a media room with surround sound and a 53-inch TV, a Jacuzzi and a central vacuum system." I think, "who cares?" Obviously the media and the courts care. In the same article this is printed: "The Bakers began caring for Anna Mae on Feb. 23, 1999, and the Hes say they visited their daughter at least once a week. When the three months ended, they still were not able to care for Anna Mae. Mid-South Christian Services could no longer handle their case because the agency's supervision is limited to 90 days in temporary custody cases. So the two couples negotiated the next step on their own." And this: "Over the next year, the Hes say they continued to visit Anna Mae and told the Bakers they wanted her back. They say Jerry Baker asked that the arrangements stay in place until his then-pregnant wife gave birth to her own child." and this: "But the Bakers say in court documents that the Hes abandoned Anna Mae by not visiting enough and failing to pay child support. For the past year, the Bakers have refused the Hes' official requests to give Anna Mae back. Last month, the Bakers insisted, through Parrish, that Mister He take a DNA test to prove that he was Anna Mae's father. The test proved that he is."

In another news media article this was written: "But things only got worse for the struggling couple. In April 1999, a month before their custody was to end, He was arrested in the sexual assault case. The Bakers agreed to continue caring for Anna Mae—but only if they were named the child's guardians, which would give them full parental rights. The Hes agreed, they say, but without realizing the agreement could only be reversed by court order. "If we had known that by signing custody to the Bakers we would end up in court, facing termination of parental rights, we never would have signed it," says Jack, who now works at a Chinese restaurant. The Hes visited Anna Mae some 80 times before tensions flared. "The more Jack and Casey wanted to visit their daughter," says one of their pro bono attorneys, David Siegel, "the greater resistance they received from the Bakers." (As evidence, Siegel points to a journal that Louise kept.) In April 2000 and April 2001 the Hes petitioned to regain custody of Anna Mae but were turned down because of their unresolved legal problems. Then, on Jan.28, 2001, Anna Mae's second birthday, the Bakers denied the Hes' request to take their daughter for a family portrait, saying she was ill. The Hes refused to leave without her, prompting the Bakers to call the police. Intimidated, the Hes, who say they feared they would be arrested, didn't try to visit for a period of four months—which may constitute legal abandonment in Tennessee—and the Bakers went to court seeking to terminate the Hes' parental rights and formally adopt Anna Mae. Once, while shopping last December, the Hes happened to spot Anna Mae, who was with two of the Bakers' daughters, Hope and Aimee. According to Hope, 18, Casey put her hands on Anna Mae and screamed, "That's my baby!" Such incidents fuel the Bakers' contention that the Hes are emotionally unstable."

As I stated before, I do not know either family, have never met them and know nothing about the case, except for what was written in the media and from reading some court documents. I do have some concerns though. At first I was slanted towards the Baker's as they obviously could provide a better home and environment for Anna Mae. By all media accounts she seemed to be doing well with the Baker's as well. The He's were painted very poorly as well, as Jack He had some accusations against him and seemed to have some financial difficulties and the perception that the Chinese only want male children. I believe this was carefully depicted by the media slant on the story.

A few things I found from reading court documents was that Louise Baker was born in 1961. This should make her 47 years old. In 1989 she underwent a tubal ligation after the birth of their third child. If my math is correct, this should make this child 19 years old. In 1998, (this would make Mrs. Baker 37 yrs old) the Baker's decided they wanted another child and Mrs. Baker underwent a reversal of her tubal ligation. The Bakers considered adopting a child, but they wanted to try to have a child of their own first. The Bakers previously submitted a “Foster Home Application” to Mid-South in 1997. In response to the question “Why are you interested in providing a foster home?” on the application, the Bakers responded by stating, in relevant part, that they “were first interested in adoption of a newborn, but thought we would try foster care of newborns for a couple of years.”According to Mrs. Baker, they were considering adoption, and serving as foster parents allowed them to decide if adoption was something they wanted to pursue. After submitting their application, the Bakers began serving as foster parents for Mid-South. I also believe that the Baker's did have another child as well, because news reports state that they had a daughter born the year after they took in Anna Mae.

What concerns me and bothers me about this case is that from media reports this case did not present like a foster family wanting to adopt a child, but a custody case when the issue of custody was not a point. Mrs. Baker kept a notebook detailing visits, dates, time, length of stay and gifts brought for Anna Mae. In one article this was stated: "The Hes continued to visit Anna Mae regularly for about an hour a week. Louise Baker began to keep a diary in which she documented the Hes' visits to Anna Mae, writing down when the visits were, how long they lasted, how the Hes interacted with Anna Mae, and what gifts they gave her. In October 1999, friction began when the Hes wanted to take Anna Mae out of the Bakers' home and the Bakers refused. Louise Baker wrote "We would like to get visits to every other week. We feel like they would wean away, but the last 2 visits we could see Casey is wanting to come more." In November 1999, Jack He told Jerry Baker they wanted to regain custody of Anna Mae. Jerry replied that they did not want to give up Anna Mae and that Louise was pregnant and he didn't want her to miscarry. The Hes contacted the juvenile court officer several times during these months complaining about problems with visitation and talking about wanting to get custody back." My questions are do the agencies that you are are foster parent with require or suggest that you keep a notebook of visits with such detail? Was there an underlying motive in the keeping of the notebook? If there is no requirement or suggestion, then I must presume that there was an underlying motive.

From all accounts that I have read, the Baker's were foster parents without the promise or hope that they could adopt Anna Mae. I believe they used the legal system and the He's inability to completely understand the English and legal language and their fear that they would be arrested if they sought to visit Anna Mae as a way to legally terminate the He's parental rights. These manipulative actions are the same actions that alienating parents use against target parents.

Other news reports stated that Anna Mae did not want to learn the Chinese language and that she thought she was Mexican. I immediately thought that the Baker's were denying Anna Mae her heritage. This immediately sent up a red flag for me. Had the Baker's adopted a child internationally that was not of their race, what would they have told this child? A white American couple adopting a child that is not of their white race they can not easily deny or lie to a child that they were not adopted. How were they going to explain to her when she got older? Unless the truth was told, the lie would eventually come out. I think children that are adopted will eventually seek their heritage, sometimes just for answers or who they look like. This provides closure.

I think the Baker's were a family that wanted another child and they went though several avenues to achieve this. A tubal ligation was reversed, adoption was an option and they fostered children. I applaud them for wanting to provide a home for a child. The He's were disadvantaged financially and more. Casey He wanted her daughter and I do not think she intended for Anna Mae to be adopted or if she did to lose contact with Anna Mae. She may have wanted more than she could provide and I think every parent wants that. There is a line that was crossed in this agreement and I think the Baker's exploited this line. I believe they used everything possible to gain custody of a child, that was not theirs to begin with. They used the best interest of the child against the He's, they did everything possible to forbid visitation and to encourage the He's to back off. They denied Anna Mae her heritage. Somehow this was to be better for Anna Mae.

In closing I would like to point out a few things. A larger home with all the current technologies and toys does not make a better home for a child. A better income to provide the best schools, and other material possessions does not make a better home for a child. Money does not buy love, but there are many that think they can. A family that relies on the help of others in the raising of their children, relies on the generosity of others and sacrifices to provide, does not make them bad parents.

I would like to know your views.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Wonderful Poem

Today like every other day, I was checking my stats to see how and why people land to my blog. Some days I find interesting keywords or I notice a trend of keywords and then that gives me ideas about a new subject. I also check to see what other external links that are clicked that I have posted on my blog. I put those there because I feel they can have some helpful information. Well today I saw an exit link that I did not recognize, so I clicked it and took a look around and found this wonderful poem written by another mother. She had a "pass this to all your friends" link, so I sure hope that she does not mind that I used her poem as an entry today. I had written a poem for my son, but it fails in comparison to what she wrote. As a target parent, I understand the pain of not being able to see my son. I get frustrated that the system fails and does not protect the bonds between parents and their children. I get angry that everything I do for my son is criticized by his father and used to further alienate my son.

So please check out this poem and take a look around her page. She has some great poetry and her son has the cutest smile.

The poem: http://caring4you.net/james/custody.html

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Just another day

Hello to all that read my blog. I just wanted to say thank you for following and for you comments and emails.

Today I am having a self pity party. I miss being able to talk to my son, I miss hearing his voice, I miss seeing his face. I wonder what he is doing and how he is doing. I am also angry because I cannot have answers to what I assume should be easy answers. How is school going? What has been going on? How is your girlfriend? Can I get a copy of your school picture? What do you want for Christmas? As I stepped outside a while ago, the wind was blowing and the air feels as we will have a storm coming in. It is warm and there is a cool breeze...OK not actually real warm, but warmer than it has been lately. I could hear leaves rustling in the wind and heard the ringing from the wind chimes. It was rather peaceful. Then I noticed my neighbor's house across the street as they were putting up Christmas lights outside. It looked so pretty and festive. Then I thought to myself, why bother, my son will not be here to enjoy it.

I started this blog because I wanted to tell my story about parental alienation, I wanted to state to the world all the dirty details of my case. Of course, that will not change anything and if you are a target parent, my story most likely sounds like yours or vice-versa as well as any other detailed story about parental alienation. I also wanted to write so I would not reveal anything that would identify myself, my son or my ex until a later date. This simple aspect made my writings a challenge and somewhat creative as I attempted to protect the identities. As time went on, I realized that it was cathartic for me to write.

I always had one goal in mind and that is to be a voice for those that cannot speak or will not speak out against parental alienation. I know that my story is one voice among the thousands of other parents that experience parental alienation. I never want another parent to have to experience parental alienation, nor do I want a child to be deprived of the love by both parents. Someday parental alienation will be recognized for what it is and that is abuse. Those that knowingly make false accusations of abuse will be prosecuted by tougher laws and will not be able to be shielded from prosecution based on the good faith aspect. Someday this cycle of abuse will stop.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Happy Thanksgiving, why?

http://www.patswebgraphics.com/

As we enter the holiday season of Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year, this can be a very difficult time for parents who are separated from their children because of parental alienation. They may have a court order that states they have holiday visitation, but they may not get to spend time with their children because the alienating parent interferes once again. It is difficult enough that target parents have weekend visitations taken away or interfered with, but the holiday interference really puts the icing on the cake so to speak. Holidays are stressful enough without the added aggravation. Perhaps it is the notion that we spend hours making the perfect dinner and everyone gathers around a table to eat and we share special moments isn't all that it is cracked up to be.

The three main triggers for depression and stress during the holidays are finances, physical demands and relationships. As a mother, I want to have the so called perfect holidays be it with the meal, decorations or the gift giving. With the state of the economy right now, this places demands and stresses to do what I can with less. These demands, although stressful, I can handle. I get excited being to save and being creative. Some of the demands are self induced be it doing more than one can afford, not knowing when to say no or trying to buy expensive needless gifts. I have always thought that the holidays are about family and about gifts from the heart. So this brings me to relationships.

The holidays can be a painful reminder of the death of a loved one who has passed during the holiday season. They can also be painful that you may be alone or if a target parent, that you are unable to spend the holiday time with your children. If a loved one has recently died or you aren't able to be with your loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness or grief. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

So as we enter the holiday season, I ask Happy Thanksgiving, why? I do not get to spend time with my son. I cannot even hear his voice. As usual, my phone calls go answered, messages that are left are ignored. In this age of technology, the emails and text messages left are also ignored. So I can be depressed or I can think of what I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I have a job. I am thankful that I am not homeless and that I have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in and clean clothes to wear. I am thankful that I can prepare a meal today and have the ability to share. I am thankful that I do not have to worry when my next meal will be. I am thankful to have friends that are supportive, even when I have been very difficult. I am thankful that I am not in a hospital right now because of some illness. I am thankful that my son is healthy and alive. I am thankful that I have the freedom to express my feelings and thoughts and the capacity to do so.

So in closing for today, realize that target parents may very well be somewhat down today and for the next several weeks. It is a difficult time for them.

I pray that one day not another parent will ever have to experience the pain and heartbreak of parental alienation.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

As a target parent I get frustrated with the system for allowing this atrocity to continue. No child or parent should ever have to be separated due to the malicious actions of another adult. There is no excuse for this.

I decided to add the Serenity prayer today because sometimes target parents get lost in the chaos of their case. We know we cannot change things, but really wish we could and wish we were not having to pray for a change.

So will researching the Serenity prayer I came across this site: http://www.allaboutprayer.org/serenity-prayer.htm

"Serenity Prayer: What does it mean?This beautiful prayer was written by a man named Reinhold Niebuhr in 1943. The words have special meaning to those who are often “looking for peace” at a time of turmoil, despair, or uncertainty in their lives. This prayer has become closely associated with 12 Step programs, offering strength and calm in pursuit of a more stable life. "

Well this is not a 12 step program, but I think the prayer has merit for what target parents experience and can be comforting as well.

I found this to be very true:

"Serenity Prayer: How do I put this into practice? Perseverance and successes aren’t born out of good times. They are born out of trials."

This hit home with me, as I have been tried many times, for what I wondered Lord, how much more can I handle? Since my son was born, I have faced many difficult times. I heard that God never gives you more than you can handle and many times I have questioned him. Things happen for a reason and we may not know why. Hardships make a person stronger.

If nothing else, persevere in your efforts to have contact with your child or children. Send emails, cards, letters, or text messages. They may go unanswered, but your child may read them. They need to know that you love them and think of them.

Keep the strength to continue your quest for what you believe is right for your child.

Never give up hope.

So on this eve of the Presidential election, where the hope for change is the message, tell me what change will come for families experiencing parental alienation?

1200 days and counting

Well today is past 1200 days since my son said "I love you" to me. It really does not matter if I made this entry yesterday, today, and tomorrow, next week or next month. The fact remains that I have not heard those words uttered from his mouth in relevance to his feelings towards me. It is heartbreaking to say the least. I also know that he is at an age that these so called words are difficult to articulate at times. It still does not take away the pain that he can easily articulate them to the alienating parent. One could ask if I was jealous of that. I want my son to love both of his parents.

One of the issues I would like to touch upon today is what a target parent is. A target parent is a parent that the other parent has decided that they will ruin, no matter the cost. With the attitude of "no matter the cost", they usually take prisoner of the child's or children's mind in a contested divorce that involves custody of the minor children. The child or children are forced to make a decision that no child should ever have to make. They have to decide whom they will side with. With that decision comes the so called love and adoration from the alienating parent and the desperation, frustration and helplessness of the target parent.

Please do not think that a target parent is some vulnerable and feeble minded person. Do not confuse their frustration with being insecure. Do not confuse their desperation with hopelessness. Do not confuse their anger with hostility. Do not confuse their aloofness with acceptance. Unless you are a target parent or know what a target parent experiences, you can not imagine how it feels to call your child and to have that call go unanswered. You can not imagine how it feels to leave message after message to not be returned or acknowledged. You can not imagine how it feels when you know you should be able to have phone contact and the message service comes on immediately, indicating the phone is turned off; when by court order it should be on, because this is YOUR court allotted time for a phone call. You can not imagine how it feels to find that your child's cell phone number has been disconnected for the third time because you found the new numbers. You can not imagine the desperation a target parent feels because they cannot have access to their child, their schooling, their school pictures or anything a parent would wish to participate in or have a memento of. You can not imagine the emotion the target parent feels when all they are trying to do is to be a parent and they are met with brick walls and road blocks by the alienating parent and the courts.

Fathers and Mothers have been persecuted by the courts for being loving parents by the malevolent actions from alienating parents. It is time that the courts and anyone else involved in the custody issues of minor child find the intestinal fortitude to ward off the evil manipulations by the alienating parent and all who support them.

With this I ask you, have you hugged your son or daughter today and let them know that you loved them? I would, but I cannot do that.

Become an advocate, educate yourself about parental alienation, fight the abuse and let others know that parental alienation is abuse.

Parental alienation is abuse! Fight the abuse!

Dear Son

I found a card the other day in the store and this really hits home. I do not see an author to give credit to.

Dear Son,

Ever since you were born I worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could be.

Did I make you feel important?
Did we find enough time for the little things that live on in happy memories---
like laughter, and hugs, and "just-between-us"moments?

And, even when we disagreed, did you always know I loved you?

Of all the things in my life that I might have or could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's the having you for a son....

If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it...
I'm proud to be your parent, and I love you, Son.

Helpful tips for a target parent dealing with parental alienation

This is not a complete list of tips and I will add to them as time goes on.

One of the things that target parents deal with is how to cope when you are the target parent. It is very difficult and frustrating being in this position. Your child or children, who once loved you, now seem to hate you. You feel powerless and hopeless. So I hope these suggestions can offer some insight.

1) Make sure your attorney understands what parental alienation is about and has dealt with cases before. Not all states allow the term parental alienation into the court system. This is one area that you get what you pay for.

2) Demand that counseling be ordered in your case. If you cannot get this ordered, then find a counselor that understands what parental alienation is and has dealt with other families experiencing this. If you cannot get your child or children to go, then you go. Not only will you gain insight, but you will be able to vent to a safe source.

3) Do not speak disparagingly about your ex spouse where your child or children could overhear you. Have a rule that you will refrain from any negative speak or outbursts when your child or children visit. Also have skin of steal as you will need it. You are going to tried as a parent with your child or children in their attempts to align with the alienating parent, you will be tried by the courts and you will be tried by friends that attempt to help.

4) Have at least one confidant that you can confide in, so you can vent and gain some insight. Your story gets old to many and many do not understand and their helpful advice will wear thin as well. ( why don't you cut your losses? It is a phase. They will eventually figure it out, give it time. )

5) Read, read and do more reading about parental alienation. Buy books about parental alienation. It is a comfort to know that you are not alone.

6) Maintain contact with your child or children, no matter how difficult and heartbreaking it is. Be it cards, phone calls or emails. They may very well be ignored as well.
Let them know that you will always be there without repercussion.

7) maintain a journal of your feelings. If you do it online, make it private and do not let anyone have access. This is for you and it is cathartic.

8) Document everything. Have logs of when you attempted calls, sent cards,keep email copies, write down any contact you have with the alienating parent and what was said. Have a witness when possible. This most likely will not help you in court, but it may.

9) Find a hobby, get a second job doing something you always wanted to do, get involved in support groups, something to make you feel needed and important. Target parents either seem to get lost in the fight or want to walk away.

10) Do not give up hope. For as cliche as it sounds, I think the child or children will eventually figure it out and you have to be there. You may also be faced with the toughest problem as well and that is to not allow your child to hate the alienating parent for doing what they did.

Now if I can only follow the ten things I wrote about. It is difficult as a target parent.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

How can someone help when there is parental alienation?

I hear many times, "I wish there was something I could to do to help you." I understand this to mean that the person saying this cares and empathizes with you, but feels totally helpless. Quite honestly I did not have a reply either, because what could they do to help? They cannot attempt to talk some sense into my child or ex spouse. That would be futile. They can pray for my child, ex spouse and myself, which I do suggest they do. I have been thinking about what someone can do when there is parental alienation happening and I have come to offer this.



If you are the friend of a couple that is going through a divorce that has children, a teacher, a school counselor, a school principal, a social worker, a child care provider, a lawyer, a policeman or policewoman, a doctor, a nurse or any other person that has contact with children and or divorcing couples with children, you MUST educate yourself about parental alienation. You must not be afraid to voice a concern. You must not take the attitude of I do want to get involved in their business. If you are dating a divorced person with children and have some apprehensions and have a gut feeling about things, or think you see some red flags, or your friends tell you this person is wrong for you, then listen to your inner voice and some of the advice you are receiving.



Let me for a moment explain why I said the above statement. When I met the man whom would become the father of our child, I was told that he was bad news. I was told to stay away from him. I ignored that advice. He was divorced himself and had children from his previous marriage. What I saw was a man that missed his children tremendously, loved his children and wanted to spend more time with them. I would also hear him talk poorly about his ex wife and heard all of the terrible things she did during their marriage and why she wanted the marriage to end. We are human and most certainly do not like to admit that we could be part of a problem. I also thought that everyone talked poorly about the ex spouse at first, until you reached a point where you both could coexist. I also heard his family members: mother, father, brothers and sisters, openly trash the mother of his children. They were hurt that their son was losing his marriage and his everyday ability to be a father and thought this was just part of the normal grieving process of divorce. I am not sure if this is part of a grieving process, but I think that any divorcing couple should at least be able to say something positive about the other person, especially if children are involved. The degradation of his ex wife were not red flags at first, but after some time, the constant bad mouthing of his ex wife became old. He did not alienate his children by the tactics used by obsessed alienators, but do have to say his relationship with his children at this time is strained to say the least. He did not have the opportunity to be an obsessed alienator. I do believe that he caused his own alienation. I really do not wish to elaborate more about this at this time.



So what can someone do to help? You need to be aware of the signs and symptoms of parental alienation. You need to realize that this is an extremely deceptive form of child abuse that is perpetrated by a vindictive ex-spouse. It is designed to destroy the targeted parent at all cost, even if it means destroying the children in the process. If you are a grandparent that has a child going through a divorce, you need to remain neutral. You need to keep contact with your former daughter or son in law. You need to stop the degrading of the other spouse by telling the person who is making these comments that you will not be a willing party. If your son or daughter is making degrading remarks, you will have to practice tough love. If it is your daughter or son in law making these comments, you must stand your ground that you will not allow these comments to be made. Do not let threats that you will never see your grandchild again scare you. If they are so determined to make good on that threat, your cooperation with them will only result in your heartbreak. If your good friend is going through a divorce you must do the same as a grandparent should do. You cannot sit idly by and think that trashing a mother or father of a child is normal behavior, until the parents reach a point where they co exist. If you think they will reach that point, the damage has already begun.



If you are a teacher or a principal and a parent questions how they can get copies of their child's school pictures, report cards or notifications of parent teacher conferences, sporting events, plays or anything that their child is involved in, comply with this request. That parent most likely is unable to obtain this information from the other parent and the courts are no relief. Do not assume that the child provides this information.

Be aware when a new love interest starts to refer to the children as ours. This could mean nothing sinister, but could also reflect the alienating parents view that they are attempting to replace the child's parent. Listen if a target parent tells you that things have changed between them and their children for no apparent reason. Do not try to pass it off as a stage. Be wary when allegations of abuse arise for no apparent reason. Spouses do not start abuse when the marriage is about to end.



Educate yourself, learn about parental alienation, learn about child abuse, learn about false allegations, listen to both sides if you are able and trust your inner feelings. People that deceive seem to forget whom they have told what story to. Also some of these stories seem almost outright ridiculous. Ask for proof, not hearsay. There WILL be a trail of deception. You may have to search public records. There will be a paper trail.



You will learn that that the target parent can tell you many terrible things about the other parent but will place the best interest of their child first. The target parent can also tell you some enduring qualities of the alienating parent as well. You will also learn that a target parent wishes to protect their child from having to hear anything negative about the other parent. An alienating parent cannot express any positive attitudes towards the target parent. Do not confuse that they may profess that they encourage their child or children to have a relationship with the target parent but they cannot force the child to have one. They are projecting the "independent thinker" upon you. A child does not want to hate the other parent.



To hate the other parent is to hate half of your child. Target parents do not want their child to hate a part of themselves.



Educate yourself about parental alienation. Look for the signs. Children do not want to hate the other parent. Become a voice.



Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

Alec Baldwin's book " A Promise to Ourselves"

A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce








With all due respect to Mr. Baldwin, I never envisioned myself purchasing a book written by him. I do not agree with many of his views that he supports. When the widely publicized release of the recording of the voice message he left his daughter hit the media air waves, I was appalled. My first reaction was, you, Mr. Baldwin are the thoughtless pig. This of course was the goal of the media. After I was able to get over the initial shock that a parent would say such things to their child, I was able to think about this recording. Other than hearing degrading words to his daughter, I could hear anger, frustration and desperation in his voice. I wondered was Mr. Baldwin a target parent as well?



Whether one agrees or disagrees, I find it very discouraging that it took a "celebrity" to be affected by parental alienation to have some media recognition. Unfortunately, the recognition that was reverberating worldwide, could provide organizations that believe that parental alienation is junk science.



One of the most difficult things a target parent deals with is having to separate what they think a child old enough to know better should be capable of thinking and doing and what children that are brainwashed are able to do. It is hard to separate that a child of 10,11,13,15,17 or any age who is capable of knowing the difference between right and wrong, is capable of "buying into" the process of being encouraged to hate another parent. This is where that outburst by Mr. Baldwin, although wrong, is also understandable from a targeted parents point of view.



A target parent, which is "usually" the non custodial or non residential parent, no longer has the parenting abilities they once had. They get "awarded" the standard amount of "visitation" with their child and if they are "lucky", they get "awarded" a more generous or liberal amount of time. When did divorce mean that you give up your rights as a parent and if you play your cards right, you can get "awarded" more time with your child? It is a system seriously flawed and this is one of the things that Mr. Baldwin makes a point of in his book.



Most parents do not have to have their divorce and custody cases broad casted into the media spotlight. To experience a contentious custody issue and to be cast into the media spotlight, is an opportunity by an alienating parent more than happy to exploit.



If you thought of buying his book to read all the "dirty details" of his divorce, you will be sadly disappointed. I thought he did a great job of telling his story without having to trash the mother of their child. Something that target parents are told, is to take the high road and to not discuss the details. Without some details, it is difficult to understand how the alienation plays a role now in your own particular case. If you thought of buying this book to read about parental alienation, he does provide some heartbreaking details about what parental alienation does. It also allows you to realize that sometimes a parent just gives up, not because they want to, but because they are fighting a battle they know they will never win. Mr. Baldwin did not give up and he fights. Most parents do not have the financial resources that Mr. Baldwin has to fight this fight. Please do not let that detail deter a target parent from fighting for what is right and that is to be a parent.



The book was easy reading for me. I did not break down in a sea of tears, like some other books I have read and am unable to pick the book back up to continue. This was not said to minimize his book. I did have a few sea of tears moments, especially because I could relate and knew the hurt. His book seemed to not focus on the let's hit the target parent in the heart, but to explain and discuss. Although I hate to admit this, I found an appreciation for Mr. Baldwin after reading this book.



If you would like to purchase his book and to read it, I would appreciate that you click the link I have posted in this entry and to make your purchase. I won't beat around the bush. A target parent's fight in the courts is expensive and exhausting. Your purchase helps.



Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.

Dr. Phil and Parental Alienation

Thank you Dr. Phil for having a show about parental alienation.

From Dr. Phil's website about shows this week: http://drphil.com/shows/show/1132

"Brainwashed by my Parents" "Friday - October 3, 2008"

"It’s being called the ultimate form of child abuse -- brainwashing your children against an ex-spouse to win custody. Could you be harming your child emotionally and not even know it? First up, Ken is a successful surgeon who says he’s the victim of parental alienation syndrome (PAS). He says he hasn’t seen his 14-year-old son since last October and claims his ex-wife destroyed what was once a loving father-son relationship. Mel Feit, director of the National Center for Men, says Ken’s situation is a classic case of kids being turned against their father, but family law attorney Liz Kates says PAS is a phony tactic used by some men to get out of paying child support. What does Dr. Phil think? Then, Karen lost custody of her children after she was accused of parental alienation syndrome by her ex-husband. Karen maintains her innocence, so why were her parental rights terminated when her daughters accused her ex of sexual abuse? Plus, 19-year-old Demi joins the show via Web cam and says her father verbally abused her mother during their divorce. Now, she fears that her 15-year-old sister is caught in the middle. Find out what you can do if you’re caught between sparring parents. And, meet a father so desperate to see his young children, he kidnapped them from his ex-wife and went on the lam for two years. "

I as only able to see half of the show, but I can tell you that the attorney Liz Kates made my blood boil. What I heard or understand her to imply was that parental alienation may not exist and that in cases where abuse was evident parental alienation was used. Excuse me, that was not the leading question for that response. She obviously has never had first hand experience with parental alienation.

Let me ask you Ms. Kates, have you ever been invited to a baby shower and signed a card and could not finish because of the tears? Have you avoided attending baby showers because this is to be a happy occasion and all you can do is grieve for your child? Are you afraid you would cry and take away from the joy if you attended? Can you watch a movie where the plot of the story is about divorced parents and one parent degrades the other parent? Have you cried because you can relate? Do you know what it is like to wonder what your child is doing? Do you get frustrated because your calls go unanswered, your emails unanswered, that you send to your child? Have you asked your ex spouse for information about your child and are ignored? Do you miss special events for your child because you are not told about them? Do you have a collection of photos of your child but are missing some because you cannot even get a copy of a school photo? Do you have to answer complaints filed in court that are pure BS because your ex spouse harasses you by using the legal system? Do you have to deal with your visitation time, which is sometimes less than 48 hours per month, that has constant interference from the ex spouse? Do you know how it feels when you cannot talk to your child twice in a month, but the ex calls or text messages every few hours when it is your parenting time? Do you feel tremendous loss and grief from not being able to see your child and cannot even explain the grief you feel so others can understand? Do you get angry when people say this will pass? If not, then you have not a clue what parental alienation is about.

You can say that is not parental alienation. I really do not care what it is called. It is WRONG! When one parent uses a child as a pawn and encourages the child to hate the other parent, that is abuse. Pure and simple ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wake up judges, courts and children's services. This is abuse. There may be no scars, but it is abuse.

Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse.