Saturday, March 24, 2012

My journey,,without an instruction manual

I have been somewhat absent in my posting about parental alienation for some time. I have been working on my relationship with my son. I am sure most that follow this blog have understood that he has come back into my life. I am more than ecstatic about this.

While I feel a sense of responsibility to post about parental alienation, I have had to take time to rebuild a relationship. I found this requires some patience and time; it also requires the ability to accept things one cannot change or have answers to.

When I think back to the beginning of what I would learn about parental alienation, I was in despair. How could this be happening to me, what did I do and how dare my ex do this to our child? It is not about the loving parent and the relationship of a child. It is about a parent who cannot fathom losing a battle, a parent who cannot fathom their child loving this other parent who "hurt" them. It is about immaturity and selfishness of a parent, who encourages a child to side with them.

I did all the court battles, followed my attorney's advice sometimes, but mainly I read, researched and never gave up and remained consistent in my love for my son. I did not attempt to "buy' his love and I never promised something I could not deliver. I was left in massive debt, was without utilities many,many times, was hungry, struggled to make ends meet and alienated friends. My goal was to have my son back and nothing would stop me.

When my son turned 18, this was the worst day of my life. I cried and was inconsolable. He had stated not to me, but to a friend of his who confided in me, that when he turned 18 he would never have anything to do with me again. I could have passed this off as a smack talk, but he was like me and he was determined. He held true to his turning 18 statement. He was an adult and did not have to do anything per the courts anymore, as his dad told him. My son was happy that he was in control now I think. I was the enemy, the evil woman who birthed him, but I was not a mother. He was in control. They won the fight.

I continued my fight. I attempted contact, maintaining my love for him and desire to work things out. My son maintained his "turning 18" mantra.

Somehow, call it divine intervention, things started to change. It seems his dad was not there when our son needed him most nor did not seem to care about his pressing problem at the time and our son needed a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. My phone rang and on the other end was our son wanting someone to talk to who would just undersand and not say some cliche saying and tell him to get over it. This was the start of what would become a new relationship.

In the years that have passed, I am still working on that relationship and still not promising anything I can not deliver. I am still there when a shoulder is needed. I am trying to learn to a balance of caring without being obtrusive and hoping I do not appear aloof.

One of the most difficult things to accept is the fact that I may never get answers as to why this happened, why my son acted in a way he did and why he lied in court. Perhaps he was smarter than both myself and my ex. He wanted to love both parents and he knew which one he could hurt and which one he had to cater to.

So in closing, if you are alienating your children, please stop. You are not hurting your ex spouse, you are hurting your children. If your child continues to "side" with you, someday you may find yourself angry with your child that they have decided to seek out the other parent. If you are an alienated parent, keep showing your love and let your child come back to you. Do realize you may never have answers.

8 comments:

  1. While I myself have not been put through such horrific acts, my husband has been going through a tough battle since 2007. His ex never gives up on trying to delete him from the picture. Its amazing how she's gotten away with so many lies in court. Watching my husband go through everything, I've realized there is no justice in the court system and you have to beat the truth into their heads just to get them to see it (if they ever do).

    Never give up. My husband will fight to be I. His daughters life for the next 10 years if he has to. And he has my support.

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    1. I notice the "My Husband / His Ex" language and determination in here. Be assured you don't know everything about his ex you may think you do.

      "She's gotten away with so many lies in court." Maybe, maybe not -- it's hearsay to the viewers, some of who are (like me) who are the first wife, and mother of kids the men found another woman to help extricate from them, in other words to get even through alienating."

      That declaration and attitude is the EXACT attitude any abuser would look for in a second woman or wife, to get even with the first. I'm not saying it's you. I'm saying it lacks factual information, or cause -- other than expecting readers to empathize with what -- to the reader -- is hearsay. Do we know the other woman or the situation? From that perspective, it could as easily be gossip.

      Is his daughter's life at physical danger with the mother? Was there violence or abuse involved in the situation? Is there a court order being violated, or does the court order in place not allow much?

      I have been in this system over 10 years and to tell the truth, even though my situation involved violent battering, and near-lethality (i.e., DV), it was NOTHING as hateful and destructive (nor was he, personally) until others got involved, fighting over our children, within 3 years of separation. The case has been a nightmare. My ex needed an audience, and found one among a church-related recovery group, picked up a woman with, I guess, an empty nest, and she has been vicious to me, and my daughters, and with him committed at least one felony crimes against them, starting with child-stealing, thereafter visitation interference (long-term) and I barely knew this woman. Now that's hearsay to you also, I understand, but understand that the statement you made above would be entirely normally coming out of this woman's mouth, except for they never married.

      Men KNOW they don't fully understand women (it takes one to know one) and in this context of custody, many are adept at using one to get at the other. Unfortunately, women don't like to understand this about some of the men they end up with.

      If my next comment posts, it's a reference (for either side of the equation). If not, please read http://thefamilycourtmoneymachine.blogspot.com and understand that parental alienation is not all it's about -- from the professionals' perspective.

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  2. MrsHook:

    ". . . I was left in massive debt, was without utilities many,many times, was hungry, struggled to make ends meet and alienated friends. My goal was to have my son back and nothing would stop me."

    "When my son turned 18, this was the worst day of my life"

    Perhaps if you tuned down the "pink" on the page, and stopped pushing books from authors who (allegedly) committed suicide, such as Richard Gardner, and whose books, still being marketed, are creating more and more "alienated mothers" there might be a way to talk some sense into you, or for you to look at something outside of your emotions about the situation.

    If this blog represents a real person (no indications it does, such as a link to a state, any reference that fleshes out the pure emotion in it, or other professionals you've dealt with, any other women in the same situation you've rubbed shoulders with etc) -- then as a woman, stop playing into others' hands by pushing "parental alienation" which is a term made up to give primarily fathers -- NOT mothers -- the edge in completely removing children from their mothers, if necessary by selling "reunification" services, and as an antidote to her (alleged) alienation, completely cutting her off and forcing her to pay exorbitant supervised visitation prices to see her own flesh and blood. no pay, no can see.

    I represent the category of women & mothers who had a choice: Separate, or stick around and die. I was as shocked as you, I'm sure, at the family court system, but I did not stick around and dwell on my misery, but put forth intense effort to get answers, not just personal help and broadcasting the situation.

    Society is punishing mothers who take a stand against violence in the home, or abuse of their children as well, seeking to protect them. They have backbones, but we also understand it's time to use our brains, and not just (sorry to use this word) regurgitate phrases made up to accomplish a single end: Get kids from good parents and stick them in the hand of the worse parent (when such is clearly identifiable), for profit.

    http://thefamilycourtmoneymachine.blogspot.com is my 3rd blog and because of my diligence and effort, I'm able at least to help others. My children are alienated also, but one has turned 18 and I've seen them at least occasionally. I doubt it's any less painful, but because of putting this effort in, I have the self-respect that goes with the territory of being a parent.

    Your son is an adult now. Take down that picture of a nursing mother and get real, get a backbone, get out of your past, your story and get something believable up here! I also hope you can develop relationships with another adult, but to do that, you have to offer something besides your pain and grief over a situation that is common to people across the nation; there is a war on over here, and its tools are financial, not just psychological.

    Not going to put more effort into this site, because for all I know it's a false persona just advertising PAS.

    More info at http://NAFCJ.net, but it's analytical so unless you have an ability to learn, and think, don't bother going there. I wish your son well.

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  3. So you don't like the color pink and think I am a fake identity. Since I owe you no explanation, the color pink is used for reasons, which I do not wish to make public. Just because I do not place my name and or address on here, does not mean anything. I am protecting my son. Until he states that I can make our names known, I will continue to protect his interests, privacy and name.

    If you think the picture of the mother and child is one of a nursing mother, then you are either blind, did not look at the picture or are unaware of anatomy. This is a picture of a mother holding her child close.

    While I agree that the courts punish mothers who have a backbone and fight back, your suggestion that I am spineless is without warrant.

    You know nothing about me, know nothing about what I have done to to have my son back in my life. If you think I without adult interaction, then you are the one who is ignorant. I am not going to write everything that is pertinent at this point. My son and his privacy is important to me.

    My blog is one that attempts to show that with persistence and reading everything one can read, you could have a positive outcome from parental alienation. You may not like the last choices I posted for reading and you are entitled to that opinion. Others may find this reading material helpful.

    Unfortunately what I found from checking out your 3rd website was 2 followers and a desperate attempt to post your links in a comment hoping to gain followers. By the way, I noticed, you like the pink color as well. I am offended that you come here making allegations and negative comments to myself and others for the sole reason of self promotion. As for your last link with your comment "but it's analytical so unless you have an ability to learn, and think, don't bother going there." only furthers my belief of your ignorance.

    Parental alienation does not discriminate, it can happen to both men and women, the rich and poor and it can happen within an intact family. The goal of myself and other parents facing parental alienation is to have the love of their children back. We will make mistakes along the way.

    If you do not like what I write, nor believe that I am a real person, then do not visit my blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry if I've hurt you.
      http://familycourtmoneymachine.blogspot.com is not my main blog (as it says above, "3 blogs," there are more now), but was in use especially in 2012.

      While I have several others, and am on the phone daily and networked with (mostly, but not only) mothers in various states sharing what I've learned and for moral support, and ACTIVELY helping them research groups operating in an around various family courts -- this one has 274 followers, over 600 pots, and is a resource: http://familycourtmatters.wordpress.com It will stretch the vocabulary boundaries a while.

      I have alienated children also -- they were taken overnight by their father with his girlfriend, and that was that. They have grown up, and I have occasional contact with one. I also am dealing with stalking with the father (after these many years) and an abusive, super-controlling sister who managed to gain control of funds in my name, and a good deal more.

      I apologize for my tone, but I still ask you as a parent concerned about alienation, to look a little further abroad at how it happened ,and perhaps participate in making things better for others to come.

      i work very hard (and it's not a paying job) to report on some of the driving forces in the courts. There are groups around who intentionally covered up the financial incentives (federal to state) to hurt parents and children through these systems. The public has a chance at stopping it, if they decide to admit that these things exist -- and talk with a vocabulary outside the vocabulary of pain and suffering from. I know plenty of this also, so do my (daughters); I guess we each just handle it differently.

      If "Alienated Mom's" 3/30/2012 5:11pm comment is directed at me, FYI, the word "bashing" is overused. Even if I didn't have many followers on the blog someone else critiqued -- I did have about 70 posts. I dare you to read a few of them, or the other one in this comment. And then come back and say you know something about me without reading it.

      Delete
  4. BTW, from your blog....No Name, and this..

    On Blogger since March 2009

    Profile views - 132

    You are self promoting by bashing comments made on this blog by others who are experiencing parental alienation. You should be ashamed of yourself.

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  5. Who ever Liberty is, you obviously know nothing about Parental Alienation. If you had lived through the hell we have for the last 12 years you would understand what Alienated mom is talking about. I am an alienated grandmother who has had to watch her son go through hell because his ex has alienated his daughter from him with lies that I will not even write. She has also been diagnosed with severe Anti-Social Personality Disorder, or to put it plainly, she is a sociopath. How do you ever combat that??? As for the courts, they are a joke. Like Alienated mom states, they don't really give a damn about children. Alienators get away with telling lie upon lie and still the judge does nothing but side with the alienator. One problem my son has had is he/we don't have the money to fight her family and that is really what it comes down to.What a sick system. To protect my son and grandchildren I will comment as anonymous.

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  6. Dear Alienated Mom,

    Thank you for your beautiful post. You are an amazing and worthy mom. This post gives hope to so many mothers and fathers out there who are without hope. Keep on writing and encouraging other parents and families who have been alienated. With your permission I would love to read this particular blog post at our Parental Alienation Awareness Day Rally on April 25, 2012 in front of The Statehouse in Trenton, NJ, 12-2pm. Here is a flier: http://files.meetup.com/2635712/Parental%20Alienation%20Awareness%20Day%20Flier.2.pdf

    In regards to the negative comments about your site, please ignore them. I have been a very active member of National Organization for Women for the past five years, only to resign from my Vice President position of my local chapter in October 2011 to start my own group, Parental Alienation Support & Advocacy NJ (PASA-NJ, http://www.pasanj.org). NOW denounces Parental Alienation as "junk science" and calls is a "dangerous and cleverly marketed legal strategy". (I have created a petition calling for NOW to change their position on PAS, http://tinyurl.com/7yak2hy) I find this position shocking for a few reasons:

    1) I am an adult child of divorce who was alienated from my dad. Parental Alienation took 11 years away from my relationship with my father. It has caused severe long lasting effects, for which I spent many years in therapy healing myself, and even though I help others to heal I can break down and cry like a little girl (see my post about that here, http://tinyurl.com/6pm52p5)

    2) I am currently experiencing the effects of Parental Alienation on the receiving end as a Step-Mom. My husband's (and the entire side of his family) relationship with his daughter was severed for three years as a result of Parental Alienation Syndrome. For the past three months they have been attempting a reunification, which seems to be going miraculously well).

    3) Over the past 6 months I have been working with alienated parents, families, and adult children I have come to the realization on my own that just as many women are alienated from their children as men. (Dr. Richard Gardner originally claimed that women were the primary alternators, but recanted that position later on). In fact, the women who experience who being alienated from their children were most likely in abusive relationships with said alienator.

    I don't believe that women and men experience different types of abuse, such as some men claim Parental Alienation and some women claim Domestic Violence by Proxy. These are two in the same. Many women fear that abusive men will use the term "parental alienation" as a way to gain control of their children and continue abuse, but I believe the bulk of these fears lie in the propaganda spread by the National Organization for Women and other women's rights organizations. Remember, I am a member of NOW, and I don't agree with their position.

    The best we can do it commit to finding common ground. Empathizing with both sides. We are not islands of women abused, or islands of men abused. We need to come together in solidarity.

    Keep on writing. Please feel free to email me at parentalalienationnj@gmail.com and visit our website at http://www.pasanj.org

    ReplyDelete