Sunday, September 26, 2010

Parental Alienation...what do you think when you hear that term?

Parental Alienation.....a term that evokes emotion, speculation, arguments and agreement. If you are a target parent, you are in agreement that parental alienation is a true phenomenon. If you are part of the groups that dismiss parental alienation, you have many arguments against parental alienation. You believe it is nothing more than junk science. Why is there such disparity?

I believe that in many divorce and custody cases, there is a mindset of one partner who will not stop at anything to "win". They fail to think of anyone but themselves, but will deny this vehemently. Their need for revenge, their hatred of the spouse, clouds their judgment and impedes their ability to act reasonably with regard for their children. I think they feel the children are young so therefore they can adapt to changes and do not know what is best for them. Although I agree that we must protect our children, we must not place our misguided perceptions above the needs of our children.

Children need both parents and especially more after a divorce. In almost every case, aside from extreme abuse and neglect, kids benefit from significant time with both of their parents. This time spent with the other parent, should not be taken away because the other parent does not like the other. Unfortunately , this happens all the time.

This hatred can fester within the other parent and stories start to surface. Perhaps, when the couple was together, they made time for a date night or made sure the other spouse had a night out with the boys or the girls. Perhaps date night included dinner with a bottle of wine. These seemingly normal activities take on a new light in parental alienation. The alienating parent will tell the children that mom or dad was always out on a boys or girls night out. The alienating parent will say that the other parent drank alcohol and embellishes the story more.

The alienating parent will pursue an agenda of attempting to eliminate the children from the other parent's life. They will stop at nothing, including outright lies to the child and courts, perjury, using the legal system to harass, utilizing the police to harass, enlisting the help of friends and family to make false statements to government agencies, making false statements of abuse and more. They take shreds of truth and expand upon them and spin it into a story. For example, we enjoyed a drink occasionally. I then became and alcoholic who took my child on wild rides in the car. The judge focused more on the fact that I would have a drink. It was never about my having a drink, it became about my inability to control my drinking. Although, I worked some very odd hours, worked overtime, never called in sick to work and did not even have a speeding ticket, I was labeled a person who drank and had a problem. Although my ex spent many nights out with others, my one night out became an issue with the court. I think it was a shopping trip as well. I did spank my child once for running out in the street when he was little, so therefore I was abusive. Hence, the small amount of truth gets blown out of proportion. Any rebuttals I had were never heard. Alienators will block court ordered visitation, they will change phone numbers and refuse to provide a contact, they will enroll the child into activities that interfere with your parenting time. They will stop at nothing to prevent your contact with your children.

Alienators are manipulators and are masters of deceit. Alienators are so hell bent on male or female bashing that they cannot see the forest through the trees. I am pretty certain that they possess traits of a narcissistic personality as well.

One thing that bothers me when these groups that are against parental alienation as a real phenomenon start their rebuttals is that they always claim real abuse and that they are protecting their child. I have to wonder when this so called abuse started? Although I agree there are real cases of abuse, I think many of these groups are using parental alienation themselves and stating that parental alienation is junk science.

Whatever your thoughts are about parental alienation are, I am sure you have met a person who is divorced. Have you ever encountered a divorced person who twenty years later can not stop badmouthing their ex? Have you ever witnessed them talking with their adult children and overheard them telling their children bad things about the other parent? Has this person talked about how abused they were and how their ex did not do as ordered by the court at any opportunity they have? Have you noticed that this person still hates the gender that they talk about? Have you ever noticed that if there is water cooler talk and one person may be having problems at home this one person is always willing to contribute their two cents about how bad that gender is and then proceed to tell you their horrors of their ex? That is an alienator.

Parental alienation is real. it is not some made up problem. Any parent who once has a good relationship with their child who suddenly finds themselves being systemically and methodically eliminated from their child's life, through no fault of their own, can attest to this.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!


  1. Thank you for sharing this story. You made excellent points regarding "shreds of truth." During a marriage the spouse that did not like to cook was acceptable. Every one did just fine with order in pizza. During a long standing case of Parental Alienation though, personality quirks and interests are unforgivable. I could name many, many more. Many that alienated parents will clearly understand.


  2. Some things must be understood to be seen. People are hard pressed to believe that a parent would do such baffling things to a child. From what I have learned Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP), which leads to parental alienation is defined as: A general pattern of behaviour, manipulation, action or decision-making of a person (usually a parent or guardian) that either directly or indirectly; 1) creates undue difficulties or interferes in the relationship between a child and another person (usually a parent or guardian) involved with the parenting and/or rearing of the child and/or, 2) promotes or maintains an unwarranted unfairness or inequality in the parenting arrangements between a child’s parents and/or guardians and/or, 3) promotes ongoing and unnecessary conflict between parents and/or guardians which adversely affects the parenting, well-being and rearing of a child.

    In severe cases children appear to side with the hostile aggressive parent, then they grow, become adults and come to understand. Sadly these stories are not uncommon and the similarities world wide. Though, they are in-fact just that, stories, To the children, they are memories of growing up.

    ---- This explains why hostile-aggressive behaviour is often observed in those having sole custody of their child. Angry and vindictive sole custodial parents are often able to bring a reign of terror and revenge on to a non-custodial parent and their family, in an effort to get them out of the child’s life or at the very least to severely damage their child’s relationship with the other parent and other parent’s family. Hostile Aggressive Parenting does lead to the early stages of PAS. This note Is taken from F.A.C.T. ( Fathers are capable too ).

    Mario Mastromatteo

  3. To

    I must say I just looked at your sight, although briefly. You have some wonderful references for books. I suggest that any target parent read these books. Some of the reading is difficult to say the least, when one is first experiencing parental alienation. The alienating parent embellishes every personality trait, makes up stories and the target parents do not stand a chance .

    Besides believing that alienating parents suffer from a personality disorder, I also think they are so insecure in their ability to receive love from their children. They must make them so dependent upon them, by convincing their children that they are the only ones that really love them.

    I have noticed that the alienating parent does take that "shred of truth" or so called evidence and uses it to vilify the target parent. Like you said, cooking could be something one parent did not do and it was fine during the marriage, but when custody becomes an issue, the lack of cooking becomes a major issue. Having a drink on a weekend, or after work was accepted and never complained about during the marriage, but becomes a major issue during the custody issue. These two issues and more can become very blown out of proportion during a custody issue, with the children even stating they have problems with it. What the courts fail to recognize is when a child complains of these issues and their maturity level does not warrant this. This is called parroting the alienating parent.

  4. To Mario Mastromatteo

    You make some very good points. One thought i had was the children will side with the bullying parent for many reasons. perhaps they have lacked the love of that parent and want it so much. I think they also know that the target parent will always love them.

  5. I am the mother of two mildly alienated boys, although my ex's is unintentionally doing it.

    I am the stepmother of two children who are so severely alienated they too will have the borderline personality disorder as their mother. They cannot function normally in the world because the SEVERE abuse and alienation they have been subjected to. The situation is so bad, had I known how psychologically unstable my husbands ex was, We never would have married. Not only have my husband and I had to endure the countless false accusations, contempt court issues, and the many other illegal activites without punishment, I have a daughter who will never be able to get to know two her siblings, because they are taught to hate her too.

    Keep fighting. I have lost my fight ability.

  6. My children are being taught to hate me because, I hold an Evangelist license.I was taken to court and a judge took my children off of nora tenus testimony. I wanted to teach my children Jesus Christ and I was denied that right. I have a Nephew Corey McMahan that got on face book and posted some things about how my children hated me because of the church thing. If anyone is interested please notify him and ask him why he did this and why he is teaching my children to hate their Father, because he loves Jesus Christ.

  7. I have three severe alienated step children. My husband actually has four children but the oldest is an adult and I never met her. She had stopped speaking to her dad when he and his ex split. The other children at first came and everything was fine. It wasn't until mom moved them 20 minutes away with only a days notice that the alienation became severe. My husband took her to court for contempt, and the children had been made to keep a secret from their dad that they were moving. They started lying about being sick so they would not have to come and visit. the list goes on. My daughter loved his girls and now she will never know why she no longer gets to see them.

    Keep up the fight. No parent should ever have to go through this.

  8. I have been a victim in this arena now for about 8 years. What I dont understand is if it is so abundent across the country...Like I know it is....The why the HELL hasnt anyone started a march or a country wide petition to try to end it???

  9. We all love our children, right?? So, lets do something about this corruption in the court room and have a nation wide march, the the famous million man march for men of color??

  10. The reason it dosent change, is they dont want it changed. Lets change it, we can...

    People can change this, we can show how upset we are with the system...