Sunday, December 05, 2010

Quotes of the day

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate. — Thomas della Peruta

"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”----- Coretta Scott King

These two quotes surely give you something to think about. Hate is such a strong word that evokes emotion. What is hate? Is it the statements of "I hate peas and will not eat them", is it "I hate not having enough money and wish I had a job that paid better"? I think those two statements are more of annoyances that anything else. If I hated peas so much and saw that they were served at a meal, I would make a scene. If I hated not having enough money, I would quit my job. Both of those options are extremes, so therefore I have to say my hatred of peas and not enough money are annoyances and something I can live with. I do nothing to spread my hate of these two things. I do not go on a pea hating campaign and I do not trash my job.

We often use the term "hate" loosely. From hating peas or other vegetables, hating curfews placed upon us as teens by parents, to hating rules that govern us at work, we have at one time or another professed our hatred. In actuality, these scenarios more accurately describe a strong aversion or dislike of the situation or vegetable at hand.

One of the things that is common about the perceived hatred of people, food, and things is fear. We don't know about a different culture or race or we have not tried a food that looks different, so there is a fear of the unknown and hence the word "hate" enters. It is not hate, it is a fear of the unknown.

But when a child states they hate their parent, what is it? Is it real hatred because a teen is grounded because they disobeyed? Is it real hate when a young child says "I hate you" because they did not get their way? I do not believe so. I think those are words spoken by a child because they know it hurts you so much, but deep down they still love you.

When a child in a divorce situation whom you have always had a positive relationship with suddenly professes their hatred for you, not only by words but by actions, this is hatred. How could a child hate the other parent so much? If you are not guilty of abuse, physical, sexual or emotional, then where does this hatred arise from. Children are not born to hate, but the seeds of hatred are sown by the parents. Be it to hate another race, religion, or person. In cases of parental alienation a child may be manipulated by a parent who wants to punish the other, or for custody. They are emotionally blackmailed by the alienator. Children are abused so that a partner can gain an advantage. These tactics fit a description of abuse.

Children are not born to hate, they are taught it. Any parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child. Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!


  1. My hubby Gary and I were just talking about this today. We were wondering if his daughter even knows 'why' she hates him?? My guess is, no she doesn't. She's 18 now, and has been brainwashed, manipulated, bribed, hypnotized, and drugged since she was 10, to get her to hate her father. At 14, she never wanted to see him again. I don't need to tell you that she loved and adored her father before... that is what Parental Alienation is all about... turning the relationship completely around, leaving a child mentally scarred for life... with 1/2 of her missing. Sad.

  2. Thank you Bobbi for your comment. It is sad that alienated children do not know why they "hate" the other parent, they are just programmed to give an answer when questioned by judges and counselors. If these judges and more would just delve more into their reasoning and thought process, perhaps they would see what is happening. My son hated me, wanted me dead, told me how to die and the judge thought this was a phase. It was more than a phase. It was the other parent brainwashing and manipulating, but for some reason they fail to see this.
    Target parents hurt and miss out on a lot of their child's growing up, but the disturbing part is the alienated child is the one who will suffer.
    Hopefully you and your husband continue to reach out to her and one day she will respond.

  3. Good discussion. Something else to consider is that alienated children really don't hate us. Staying angry is a wonderful coping mechanism -- they can't miss us, feel guilty, or admit they are doing things they don't want to do as long as they can find reasons to stay angry. They are not alienated children by choice -- the alienating parent pulled them into the adult conflict and made them choose sides. They may even recognize they are in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with the alienating parent. And when these children are alone with their own thoughts at night, they miss their targeted parents and are happy we continue reaching out to them.

    We talk about this a lot more in A Family's Heartbreak and in the articles on our website. Check out our site if you get a chance.


    mike jeffries
    Author, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation

  4. This is a great documentary film about psychopaths (not that psychopaths are great)

  5. My children are now 38, 35 (almost 36) and 32. Until 15 years ago, they were what I lived for . . . I miss and love them each day! I spent a lot of years trying to figure out what I could have done wrong until I found the parental alienation site. I was not a perfect mom, but a darn good one! I pray that each of them is happy and never has to experience the pain I have felt! DZP