Sunday, January 16, 2011

Quotes of the day...parenting

Children desperately need to know - and to hear in ways they understand and remember - that they're loved and valued by mom and dad.
Paul Smally

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
Angela Schwindt

Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence.
Plato

If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.
Brian Tracy

The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day.
Orlando A. Battista

Children are not our property, and they are not ours to control any more that we were our parents' property or theirs to control.
Richard Bach

Parents must get across the idea that "I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior."
Amy Vanderbilt

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
Michael Levine

While I feel that all these quotes are very moving, the last three really strike a chord if you are a target parent. Unfortunately in some custody cases, parental alienation becomes very apparent. Quite often one parent, often the alienator, uses the children as property that is to be divided in a settlement. A caring parent would always have the child's best interest at hand. That can be difficult especially when one spouse is very mean. You may be divorcing your spouse, but the children did not ask for this. They also are very scared of their life being disrupted and one parent purposely denying their children access to the other parent is extremely harsh. If you are an alienating parent the greatest disservice you can do for your children is to talk badly about the other parent, convince them to hate the other parent, encourage them to hate them, lie to them and to restrict access to the other parent. Those actions are not one of a parent.

I remember growing up and experiencing some actions of alienation by my mother. Although, I did not know the term alienation or even tied it to alienation until recently. There was a time in my childhood that my mother was contemplating divorce, I think. I got to hear all kinds of bad behaviors that my dad did to her and to me, although I do not remember any of these actions or behaviors. What I do remember is being angry with my mom for trying to get me to hate my dad. While my parents did not divorce, I do remember this vividly.

My advice for the day to any alienating parents out there. You can continue to be an alienator and while you may win the immediate battle, you will end up losing in the end. Your children one day will look back, question actions, seek out answers and you may not like what returns to you. If you are a target parent, continue to love your children, hide the hurt from the painful words and never give up.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

9 comments:

  1. Well said, I can relate to all of these quotes and like you, understand the devastating effects parental alienation causes on both adults and the children, often lasting long into the "child's" adult years. I support any and all legitimate campaigns to stop this form of child abuse.
    - Greg
    Victoria, BC
    Canada

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  2. All great quotes. Thanks for sharing.

    Parental alienation is a destructive family dynamic. Thank you for sharing your story and hopefully helping others avoid what you've been through.

    For more information, and resources, on parental alienation, you can visit http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com.

    Good luck.

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  3. Every target parent begins with the belief that his is the first such case. Guess only a target parent can understand another. In my opinion just no one else can as it is an experience of pain quite unique by itself and one must necessarily have undergone it to understand it. To others it is quite unfathomable. And it is quite useless talking about it to anybody else. This pain is too personal. But by reading the experience of other target parents, one can acquire more information about possible behavioural patterns of the alienated child. Once this is known the possibility of getting devastated by a sudden and unexpected attack is significantly low. The crippling pain of the alienated child sinking long fangs of mamba poison into your system and your own inability to distinguish between reality and your lost dreams, is what mutilates every sinew left. The perpetrator smiles in satisfaction though. But life has to go on and to see a tomorrow, we ought to live, and live well, today. Maybe a day will then dawn when our long wait may be redeemed even for a moment. Please be strong. There is no way out. Do not abandon wisdom in the face of overwhelming allurements. Check for what lurks in the shadows. Good luck and god bless you all. I am personally thankful to learn from your experiences. I lost my daughter when she was barely 1.5 years old. Never had the privillge of hearing her call me in her infantile speech. Its been 7 years now. Regards to all.

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  4. I have been ripped out of my daughter's life. I would'nt wish this pain on any child or parent.


    Please visit Freeriley.wordpress.com

    Always Riley's Mommy, Kimberly

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  5. Great, thank you!
    - Steven Burda

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  6. My ex is exactly as you describe. He has tried for years to manipulate our boys into believing that I am abusing them or keeping them from him. My oldest (now 12) has refused to talk to him while with me because of the constant barrage of questions from his father. Questions about what they eat, what they wear, their bedtime, my behavior, my current husband's behavior, our friends, what we (my current husband and I) do, who we talk to. Once these questions are done (and they used to go on for over an hour), then the, "You know your mother doesn't want me talking to you. She's trying to keep me from you. You know I love you and if I could, I'd take you and your brother away from her. She's crazy!"

    He has consistently berated me over the years since our divorce (6 yrs ago now) and continues to find ways to make everything my fault. If I respond to his emails, I'm being difficult. If I say nothing, I'm avoiding him. He constantly threatens me with court or the police if I do not comply with his wishes.

    My son once came back from visitation with him and the first thing out of his mouth - within ear-shot of his father - was, "Don't make me go back there! That was a horrible trip and I never want to go through that again!" Turns out, while my ex had the children, he visited with his current wife's (#3) family. Every evening, over dinner, my ex talking about me. Not just, "she's difficult" but things that would curl your stomach. He accused me of things I can't even begin to discuss and said he was going to find a way to arrest me for the damage I inflicted on the kids.

    They are bad, bad people! Stay away! I have the problem now of dealing with this parent several times a year when his visitation cycle comes around. I am working with my son's counselor to get his visitation supervised, but trying to convince a court based on what a 12 yr old says, is rather difficult. They truly believe that children benefit more from both parents. I can tell you, in my case, they truly would be better off without the abuse from their father!!

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  7. I am a father and I suffer from the effects of having my children alienated from me. In today's society men are often brushed aside when they complain about being victims of this emotional abuse. There are virtually no support groups for men in my situation. We are forced to hire a private psychologist to help us through this problem. It still baffles me how a relationship can escalate in the negative direction from being mildly distressed and upset to violent abuse (whether physically or emotionally). How can the person they loved enough to marry go so far as to use their children as a weapon and not see that alienating the other parent is hurting their children more. I suffer from PTSD from the loss of my children and I'm sure they now suffer from some form of it as well.

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  8. Thank you for sharing your thoughts of wisdom. My 5 year old daughter is currently a vicitim of PAS and I sometimes feel helpless against this aweful system that takes advantage of families. Yes, its not totally flawed, as there are some cases which are dealt with in a proper manner but this is not one of them.

    I am currently represented and hope to turn things around in court but her mother will never change and therein lies the big problem.

    It is so hard for me to have my daughter only every other weekend but I take advantage of every moment. I only wish my heart wouldn't break every time I walk into her room only to see reminants of her presence which sadden me immensly knowing I won't see her for at least another week. I sometimes feel depressed and hopeless but manage to hang on for my daughters sake. It is for that sweet little girl for which I breathe my every breath. I am confident that the court system will someday begin to realize the error of their ways and the suffering they promote with unfair or uninvestigated rulings. Until then, thank you for this blog in which I could vent my frustrations.

    loving father

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  9. My ex-husband has disappeared on so many occasions with our son. This past summer was the first time I have seen my son in over 2 years. I am speaking to my son on the phone every Sunday and Wednesday, however, my ex-husband does not encourage my son to speak to me on the phone. My son is ALWAYS playing a video game, watching t.v., playing with friends and he gets mad at me when I try to talk to him on the phone:(

    The Judge has told my ex-husband that he has to abide by the court orders, but they have yet to suggest transferring custody. My son is completely stressed out and is going to therapy, his grades have suffered, and his behavior in school is bad. The funny thing about his school is that his therapist blames me for his stress yet I live 6 hours away from him and only speak to him for 5-10 mins twice a week?

    Everyone looks at me as if I am the one that has done something wrong when in fact I have done NOTHING! There is so much more that has happened, so much that I should write a book!

    I am tired of being blamed and looked at like a bad mother because of my ex-husband's actions. People think that just because I am the mother, that the reason I do not have my son is because I must be bad. What actually happened was, I was a stay at home mother/ house wife with no income. When I got a divorce my ex-husband convinced me that it was in our son's best interest to stay with him until I got back on my feet. He was suppose to let me have our son back once I did, however, he disappeared with our son once the divorce was finalized! He refused me visitation, refused to fill out child support documents with me so I could pay child support, he even has our son calling someone else "mommy"!

    Something needs to be done about this for every parent that is suffering!!!!

    I will not stop until something is done!!!

    https://www.facebook.com/HELP.STOP.PARENTAL.ALIENATION

    http://www.wix.com/arehflorido/parential-alienation

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