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Father reunited with Son after 5 year custody fight

This just in! David Goldman is now reunited with his son Sean, after a lengthy five year court battle with Sean's stepfather. May Mr. Goldman and his son find peace, joy and happiness in their reunification process. God Bless!

You can read the news here.

A Christmas Miracle for a NJ father?

Christmas is to be a special time, filled with good will for others and small miracles. Could David Goldman have gotten a miracle this Christmas? I sure hope so!

If you have not read the story about David Goldman, he is the New Jersey father who has been fighting an international custody issue for the last five years. His son, Sean, is now 9 years old. In June of 2004, Mr. Goldman drove his son, his wife and his wife's parents to the airport for a planned two week vacation to Mrs. Goldman's native Brazil. When she arrived in Brazil, Mr. Goldman states that she called saying the marriage was over and if he ever wanted contact with his son again, he had to sign over custody to her.

If that does not sound very calculated, manipulative and a case of extortion, I don't know what does. These are the very same methods that alienating parents use to gain control.

Mr. Goldman's wife, then gained a divorce in the courts of Brazil and remarried. She later passed away while giving birth in 2008. Mr. Goldman states that he was not notified by his ex in-laws or by her new husband, but happened upon this information by friends that were helping him gain custody back of his son. This is a tragic loss for Sean. He lost his mother, and perhaps thinking that he will return to his father, his extended family in Brazil is now participating in further alienating him from his father.

Mr. Goldman has been fighting to regain custody of his son and has been blocked by many underhanded maneuvers. On Decemeber 21st, 2009, he received word that Brazil's top judge ruled in Mr. Goldman's favor and ordered that his son be returned to him.

Let us all hope and pray that Mr. Goldman has received his Christmas Miracle and that he and his son are reunited.

You can find the news story on MSNBC.COM and other news sites. Mr. Goldman has a website and you can read what he has written here.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the abuse!

You have nothing to be ashmed of

If you are the target parent experiencing parental alienation, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that when I first learned about parental alienation first hand because I was being targeted, I was ashamed to talk about it. In my mind and from what we learn what is socially acceptable, mothers do not lose custody, they do not give up custody and mothers do not have children that despise every breath they take. Please do not misinterpret my words of socially acceptable to mean that it was accepted that fathers were hated by their children and it was expected that they lose custody and society accepted that.

For any parent that once shared a close bond with their children and now find themselves separated from their children and hated by them, through no actions of their own, you are not alone and you should not feel ashamed. I know that I once was ashamed, because how did it look to outsiders that my son hated me. My son and I shared a very close bond. We went to the zoo, went to museums, colored pictures together, read stories together, drove around at Christmas finding all the pretty lights, went on picnics and more. Everyone that knew me, knew that my son was with me if they saw me out. Then I became the target in the crime of parental alienation. My life as I knew it would forever be changed. No one understood how my child could hate me. It was a phase I was told. This was more than a phase, it was abuse to my son. I also got the looks that if I was accused of child abuse and other heinous allegations then there must be some truth to it. I could not talk about what was happening to anyone for many reasons. I did not understand myself what was happening and I found it difficult to explain. My child loving me yesterday and now hates me today is so foreign for anyone to understand. I, myself, could not understand how overnight everything changed. How could anyone else? Perhaps I did contribute to this, but how?

After I found out that there is a name to this hatred and abuse, I read everything I could read about it. Parental alienation was a foreign word to me and I read a lot about it. I would come to the conclusion that parental alienation has existed for a long time, even before it was given a name.

One of the most difficult things I read concerning parental alienation was the letting go part. Letting go to me, meant that I gave up on my son and I accepted that I may never have him back. I could not read that chapter without the tears flowing. The words became so blurred and I was not reading the message, I was only seeing what I thought it meant. I may be wrong, but I think letting go means letting go of the deep seated hurt that fuels one self to tell their side of the story. For me this meant, I wanted so much for my son to know both sides of the story. I did not do these heinous acts that I was accused of, I had documentation of acts that his father did and dammit, why? Letting go has taken on a different meaning for me now. It means having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. I cannot change what my son's father says about me or what he does to forbid access of our son to me. I can either live my life or dwell upon the past. I can also take solitude in the fact that children want to love both parents and I support that. When children mature or face a similar obstacle, they may come to that realization as well. I have read that children who are victims of parental alienation, do not want to know the story or the truth. They just want to love both parents without conditions placed upon them. Target parents are the ones that have loved their children unconditionally.

So if you are a target parent, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Read books about parental alienation, talk about your situation to others that are experiencing the same thing and continue to live. You are stronger than you think you are.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try

"Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason for someone not to try" This is a verse in a song I just recently heard. What a statement!

I love music and like many I have my songs that relate to different areas in my life. The song that played when my husband danced our first dance at our wedding. The song that I state reflects my feelings for my son. The sad songs that reflect a breakup, the happy songs that reflect the happy times and the fun songs that reflect upon fun times. The words can be very powerful and many times comforting.

I write a lot about having faith that the parental alienation will end. I write about never giving up. Watch the video and read the lyrics that I will post for the song and have faith. Never give up.
"Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason for someone not to try" What seems impossible today may be possible another day.



Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Thankful

Thankful? What kind of title is that? Thankful for what? Don't you know what I am dealing with? How can you be thankful? You may be wondering where I am going with this.

Today I decided I better start decorating for Christmas. I was far from the mood. I started out by moving furniture and then cleaning. I made the trek up to the attic to find the Christmas decorations. I found the Christmas tree, I could not bring it down myself. Oh what the heck, let it fall down the stairs. I open the box and look at this contraption as it was this complicated puzzle. I left it there and went back to the computer to check email and play a game. Anything to give me an excuse not to do this. I went back to the large box and took out the base that the tree will sit in and I place it where this tree will be displayed. It is an easy task that I accomplish without problems. I am almost finished!!! Go and play another game on my computer. I come back to the large box and nothing has changed. So I lift the base of the tree and place it in the base. Mission accomplished so far. How bad will a quarter of a tree look, I think. I have hours to do this and I have many days till Christmas. I say to myself, gee I have done well. Back to my computer to play again. I am not wanting to do this. My son will not be here. Why am I doing this?

I finally go back to the mission of setting up my tree. I just look at this quarter of a tree and the two other sections that I must place together. Oh yeah, I forgot, I have to separate the branches and fluff it out so it looks real. My smart idea when my son lived with me was to get one of these trees that look "real" that has a million tips! I do the base of the tree and get to attach the middle section. Oh how much longer do I have? I can put this all back in the box and somehow haul it back up to the attic. Oh what the heck, it is downstairs...make the best of it. Sure....I think I need to check email again and play a game on the computer.

By now several hours have passed from my idea of decorating to my semi finished half tree. The games I am playing are becoming boring. Check email... no new email. I decide to have some Christmas music play in the background to get me in the mood. I wander over to my CD's and look carefully through my selections. Mannheim Steamroller...oh yeah that is cool, TSO.. yeah that is great, Celine Dion Christmas selection...sure I like her, Josh Groban Christmas CD...love his voice, some instrumental Christmas CD...oh yeah I remember...very soothing. A diverse selection that should get me in the mood. It seems to work! I am singing and dancing...hope my neighbors can not see me. What the heck! This is fun...not as it was when my son would help in decorating. I am missing that. I reminisce in the times we had.

I finish the tree finally and my songs are still playing. I sit down to take in the moment. I look at my Christmas tree and the other sparkly decorations that I have placed. You can squint your eyes, imagine and lose yourself in a thought. Then this song comes on. What does this have to do with Christmas? It is a very pretty melody. I hit replay several times, listening and taking in the words. I can almost sing word for word with the song by the time I am done.

I realize that my sadness and self pity in putting up my tree and not having my son here is not that important anymore. I realize I have read your stories and many of you are experiencing far worse situations than I am. I realize that I forget to look around myself and see the joy that surrounds me. I realize I take things for granted and I should give more. I listen to the words that we pray for what we know can be, and on this day we hope for, what we still can't see. It's up to us, to be the change. Wait it is up to me to be the change? Yes it is! I must continue to reach out to my son and to other target parents. One day this will change! We still all do more!

Watch this video and I will post the lyrics as well.



The lyrics:
Somedays, we forget to look around us,
Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,
so caught up inside ourselves,
we take when we should give,
so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and on this day we hope for,
what we still can't see,
It's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
look beyond ourselves,
there's so much sorrow,
it's way to late to say, I'll cry tomorrow
each of us must find our truth,
it's so long overdue,

so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and everyday, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
even with our differences,
there is a place were all connected,
each of us can find each others light,
So for tonight, we pray for
what we know can be,
and on this day, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though this world can still do so much more
there's so much to be thankful for.

"Quote of the day" from another blog

I came across this post on another blog that I read. It states:

The most fit parent is the one that allows ongoing and continual contact between the other parent, and "actively encourages" the children to see the other parent, and supports the children interactions with the other parent. That is a fit parent. Anything less is unfit.

Mark Godbey

It is such a simple but yet very profound statement. The best interests of the child doctrine. For example in my state the code reads:

The court will take into consideration the following primary factors when determining what custody arrangement is best for a child:

(a) the love, affection, and emotional ties between the parents and child;

(b) the importance of continuity and the length of time the child has lived in a stable and satisfactory environment;

(c) whether there has been any domestic violence or physical or mental abuse to the child, spouse, or any other person and whether a parent has had to relocate to avoid such violence;

(d) the stability of the family unit;

(e) the mental and physical health of the parents;

(f) the home, school, and community record of the child;

(g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age;

(h) the character and behavior of any person who lives in or visits the parent’s home and such person’s interactions with the child; and

(i) each parent’s past and potential performance of parenting duties, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent.

If you notice section (i) lists each parent's past and potential performance of parenting abilities, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent. Why is this recommendation so far down the list?

I do know that from my experience dealing with custody issues, the major factor that was considered was (g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age. For some reason, no one seemed to care except for my attorney and myself that if my son went to live with his father that he would be losing out on quite a bit.

I can argue as well as my ex can argue each and every point of this doctrine. For example:

(a) the love, affection, and emotional ties between the parents and child;
My stand: My son and I have a very strong bond and I make sure he gets to have his time with dad.
Ex's stand: Our son does not need his mom anymore, this is when he needs his dad more.

(b) the importance of continuity and the length of time the child has lived in a stable and satisfactory environment;
My stand: Our son has lived with me for X amount of years. Attends a good school, does well in school, has long time friends and activities in school. He attends church and is active in church.
Ex's stand: Our son needs his father now and does not need his mom anymore. He will attend school and church.

(c) whether there has been any domestic violence or physical or mental abuse to the child, spouse, or any other person and whether a parent has had to relocate to avoid such violence;
My stand: I do not state in court, but have records of domestic violence against me by my ex. I would later find more domestic violence charges against my ex from the next wife.
My ex's stand: I am abusive to our son and our son will testify to this as well.

(d) the stability of the family unit;
My stand: My ex is number 2 husband. I have no children from a previous and short marriage. I have remained single and supported myself and our child. He attends the same school and attends church. I go without so I do not disrupt our son's life.
My ex's stand: I am married and wife can stay at home and not work. ( this is marriage # 3 and there is marriage #4 as well) Mother has to work and get a babysitter so she can make money. I(ex) make X amount of money and can buy more for our son and provide better. He also makes claim to the better home (larger and more expensive) that he has.

(e) the mental and physical health of the parents;
My stand: I make no claims, because I can not support these with verifiable proof. I can tell you some stories, but what does that prove?
My ex's stand: Mother is mentally unfit to be a parent. (I end up taking a mental exam to prove him wrong) Mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic. ( I am again investigated for these claims, which end up stating no proof)

(f) the home, school, and community record of the child;
My stand: Our son has attended such school for all his life, does well and is challenged in school and has many friends. Our son has lived in the same home with me for X amount of time, only moved because I wanted a safer or better neighborhood once. Our son does community service as required projects in school.
My ex's stand. I am married, wife is there when I am not. He will attend school. Community service is BS. ( ex has moved 6 times at this point, married twice since our divorce and it is not relevant to my case, I am told)

(g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age;
My stand: A 12 year old is a minor and can not state what they want to the court. My 12 year old on some days does not want to go to school...are you Judge going to allow him to state this and you allow this? A 12 year old is easily manipulated and easily bought. What message do you send to children that they can tell a judge what they want and the judge agrees without investigation?
My ex's stand: Our son wants to live with me because he does not need his mother anymore. He needs his dad more.

(h) the character and behavior of any person who lives in or visits the parent’s home and such person’s interactions with the child;
My stand: My ex is now on wife #4, I have not remarried. Current and previous wife have questionable histories....proven by public record. Previous wife has been jailed for failure to pay child support and my ex bails her out and pays her back support. My ex is arrested on theft charges. I can go on as well.
My ex's stand. Mother is abusive, she has a boyfriend and is not married and he is abusive and our son wants to live with me because he does not need his mother anymore and needs his father more.

(i) each parent’s past and potential performance of parenting duties, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent.
My stand: I allow time with father and give extra time.
Ex's stand: Mother forbids time with me and I will not make our son spend time with her if he (son) does not want to.

Although I gave as much information as possible, it still does not come close to the arguments that my ex and I had in our custody case. The major overtone was that our son needed his father more and did not need his mother and the clause that he was 12 or older was used in their case. No one seemed to "hear" that our son needed his father more and did not need his mother anymore. I was told that was the stage of life he was in, because he was in puberty. HOLD ON! Puberty? I do not recall this mentioned. I was told that no one can force a teen to do something. I would only suffer if it was ordered that our son remain with me, because he will run away. Yes, the guardian ad litem and my ex's attorney have already stated that my son will run away if he is forced to live with his mom. Excuse me! Have you not heard anything? The common tone is that the child needs his father more and does not need his mother anymore and not one person can prove these allegations of abuse that have been made against his mother. They have already heard that the father will not force his son to spend time with his mother and then there is talk that when he turns 18, the child is an adult. Therefore, the father can not enforce visitation, even though our son would still be in high-school.

The courts fail parents. Alienating parents fail their children. Judges fail to make educated, difficult and non popular rulings.

So yes, it boils down to one simple statement. Which parent is going to allow ongoing and continual contact with the other parent that also allows for undivided love for both parents?

Never give up!

I came upon this poem about perseverance and I think that every target should read this and think about it:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."

As a target parent and from talking with other target parents, I understand the feeling of wanting to quit. You want to throw your hands up, wave the white surrender flag, snap your fingers and have the time turn back to when things were normal with your children. You are tired, exhausted emotionally, strained physically and financially ruined. You have spent so much time, energy and money and you are no closer to your children. You may think that waiting until they are older and they have some maturity that perhaps they will seek you out. This can and does happen sometimes, but are you willing to gamble with this idea?

I understand that it is difficult to continue to extend the hand of communication and contact when all you get in return is hatred. Everyone wants some positive reinforcement for their efforts. I understand the thought of "why bother". Your children are depending upon you to be there and I understand that they may not be demonstrating that. In fact they are resisting your efforts and doing everything they can to push you away. I do believe that deep down, they do not want you to push away.

I suggest that if you have not read this book, that you read it. I think you will gain a new perspective and hope on your situation. You can click the link and it will take you to Amazon.com where you can purchase this book.

Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind (Norton Professional Book)

Never give up! I would like to share some quotes with you and I hope that they make a difference.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

~ Dale Carnegie

"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up."

~ Vince Lombardi

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity. "

~ Louis Pasteur

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

~ Thomas Jefferson

"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about."

~ Unknown

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the abuse!