It's the holidays again ...Oh great

Thanksgiving MySpace Comments


The holiday season is starting again and this is a time that target parents can really feel the loss of not being able to spend the time with their children. While we spend our holiday eating a wonderful meal and giving thanks, we are not able to spend the time with the ones that we so dearly miss, love and care about. It is a void that no one seems to understand.

As I am thankful to have a beautiful child, supportive friends and followers of this blog, I am still human and have feelings. I still get down when the holidays come around because I know I will not be able to spend any time with my son. I get down, because he would sneak off to text message his father several times a day at one point, but can not "sneak" off now to send me a text message.

But this is not about me, it is about you and other target parents and how we can come together and be heard.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

You pick....Left or right

I am irritated today. I have read some stories, read some blogs, read some emails. It all boils down to the same thing. One parent trying to one up the other by denying the other parent parenting time with the other. Oh "he is an asshole", oh "she is a bitch". Throw in some accustions of abuse in there and it takes on a whole new twist. He said, she said. No wonder judges throw up their hands in these cases many times.

Let me put it this way. For those of you who read this blog, those who stumble upon it and to the others, think about some things. You and your ex had a child. While married everything was fine, may have been fine, but somehow your children loved both of you. I do not care what you claim now, but it did happen....your children loved both of you.

Now you are divorcing, or you are divorced, and you are in this custody battle and now one parent pits the other against the other asking and demanding the children to make their choice. It is me or the other parent.

So to you parents using your children as pawns to "win" custody, let me ask you to pick. As parents, together you made this child. That child is half of both of you. You pick which side of the child you like better...the right side or the left side.

It sounds absurb and stupid. No more than what you are asking your children to do. How can you love your children and hate your ex when our children are half of the ex we claim to hate. So is it the right side or left side of your children that you hate? Hate your ex, deny them access, you have to hate one side of your children. You pick.

In the end all this nit picking about issues does not matter. All this money, time and energy spent trying to win does not matter. What matters is our children. We love them faults and all. Why can't our children love parents faults and all?

Think about it!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

The Carnival

Today, I am trying something different. I hope to give some hope to target parents as well. My title, " The Carnival" must seem a bit odd, but bear with me. The reason I am writing this is because I heard something the other day and an analogy was made. After I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.

Do you remember when you were little and your parents took you to the county fair, the carnival or something similar to this? If you had never been before, you were not sure what the excitement was. If you had been before, you were excited that you could go again. Once a year, you piled into the car, made the trip to the carnival and experienced the magic that it had for you. As young children, the only care was the exciting rides and the possibility to win some gifts at the games. The lights at night were memorizing and the smells of the different foods that you were not allowed to eat were more than alluring. Perhaps, your parents "allowed" you to ride what they considered the safe rides..Maybe they gave you a small amount of money or you saved up some to spend on the games. I think most parents told their children that these games were rigged and you were wasting your time and money on them. Perhaps they allowed you to learn your lesson as well. You spent your money on the games and now have nothing left to buy a fresh squeezed lemonade.

But the allure of the games was there. The people running them are calling out to you, enticing you with the big gift. You see others walking around with large gifts. You tell your parents that you can win, it is real, see the prizes and more. Maybe you play and win, maybe not. But the illusion that they are real and easy is there. You cannot escape this. You have been sucked into the illusion of something that is not real.

Fast forward from your childhood to now you are the parent taking your children to the carnival. You realize the excitement, the allure and you also realize that these games just take your money. Oh the promise is there and the illusion is such, but how do you make your children understand this?

Welcome to adulthood! So many years ago, you were that child with the big eyes, the excitement and the belief that this was real. But you have spent that money trying to win that prize and walked away with nothing more than a try again buddy! You left the carnival after spending your money on foods that were bad for you, rides that upset your stomach and games that did not deliver the promise, but you still had fun. Thankfully the carnivals only come once a year.

Children that are being programmed against a parent is like going to the carnival. They are promised all the hype and told all the lies, but it does not deliver.There is promise and there is fun as well. Some of these children realize the lies when they reach an age. Some don't and hold onto the belief that the big prize exists.

Alienated children are told that the other parent is bad, they lie, they abuse and more. Children can be manipulated into believing this. The children may even provide stories themselves to substantiate the lies being told by the alienating parent. Like the carnival, they are mislead into believing something that is far from the truth.

Some of these children will mature and realize that what appeared as truth is an illusion. Some may not and old onto that belief that the other parent is bad because they are told so. There is fun, there is promises and there is prizes for accepting this. But one day they will realize.

I do not know if and when this will happen, but as a targeted parent, you MUST keep contact, tell your children that you love them and be the parent that is there for them. Promise them nothing other than unconditional love. Parents that alienate have conditions on their love---- Target parents do not.

Should the term "parental alienation" be coined something else?

Nothing stirs up emotions and comments more than a discussion about parental alienation. Is it a syndrome? Should it be included in the DSM? Is it a valid argument when parents can not have access to their children in custody cases? Is it hogwash based on Gardner's background? Whatever your views are on the words of parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome, I am here to tell you that "something" is happening in custody cases worldwide.

On one side of the coin, you have groups that say that any denial of access is parental alienation. On the other side, you have groups that say they deny access of the children to the abuser and the abusers bring up parental alienation against the victim and the victims are labeled as alienators.

I wish not to write about those two sides. I wish to write about families with children, that the children had loving relationships with both parents prior to a divorce. The same families that when custody becomes the battle, one parent, turns the children against the other parent.

Children do not want their parents to divorce. They feel a sense of loss when this happens. It is the parents job to assure the children that although mom and dad no longer live together, that they both love the children and both will be a part of their lives. A parents job is to make this transition as painless as it can be. They should set aside their differences and work in concert with each other for their children. This at times can be more than difficult, but the parents are adults and should know the rules of civility and they also should possess some common sense. They are not doing this for themselves, but for their children. Unfortunately this does not happen in many cases.

In many cases a sense of greed overcomes them as well as a sense of revenge and entitlement. The children are no longer individuals, but property that is used as a bargaining chip in this game of who wins what. A spouse that has to buy a new home, has to give up possessions, and pay monetarily, but has access to the children is not losing enough. It can also go the other way, as in the spouse who get to stay in the home , gains possessions and receives monies, but has to share custody they still have not gotten enough. They lost and must win. Money plays a part in this, as to who will pay the other for their leaving the marriage, but money can be earned. The stake in the heart is the children and who gets them and who has access to them, like they are the car or house: a possession. Even if the spouse that utilizes these techniques to gain the money leverage and upper hand, the other will realize that the children still love the other parent. This is not enough for them, they have to win more. As I stated prior the "stake in the heart" is the loss of the children and the best way to accomplish this is to have the children state they hate the other parent. Worse yet is allegations of abuse to the child by the parent. This may very well lead to the other parent losing all rights to see the child and to have any relationship with the child. This is the "win" that many parents see. This is alienation. Definition of alienation: withdrawing or separation of a person or a person's affections from an object or position of former attachment

It does not matter to me what the phrase is called. It is the loss of the affection with the children. Call it custodial interference, call it denial of parenting time, call it SOMETHING! But dammit, realize that there are some parents out there that claim they love their children and want the best for them, but deny them access, knowledge, and more to the other parent. This is not love, it is not protection, it is selfishness, greed, and revenge.

Children do not wake up one day and claim abuse. Children do not wake up one day and claim they hate the other parent. Children are not sharing a happy and loving relationship for years and decide that abuse took place years ago suddenly. Children are being coached to state things beyond their understanding in these cases. They parrot the other parents ideas and thoughts, statements that are well beyond their comprehension or even their cares at the stage they are in. For example: "You do not take me to get my hair cut, it is always Mom (Dad) that does". "You have too much furniture in your home". "You buy me dress clothes too much". Mom (Dad) only buys my clothes at Walmart, Target(insert other non high dollar store name)". "Mom (Dad) has to drive to your house for drop-offs and pickups". I don't need mom (dad) as much anymore in my life". Theses are not concerns of children, but what parents say to brainwash the children to say to those that make the decisions in custody cases.

This is epidemic and happens daily around the world. Call it alienation, call it interference, call it denial of parenting, call it something. BUT, see it as it is....one parent using their children as pawns, as possessions, as bargaining chips to "win" revenge against the former spouse and to make them pay the ultimate price. The loss of a child's love for them and access to their children. Ultimately the children lose the most. They lose a parent who loves them. If this is not abuse, then I do not know what is.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Today is Halloween

Halloween Graphics

Another day without my son.
For something you accuse that I have done
I miss out on Halloween fun
With my son
You still think you have won
But I still have a son.







OK, bad attempt at a poem. Halloween, either you get caught up in the celebration or you don't. This was a time for me that was fun. I picked out a costume for my son, with his help of course, bought candy, braved the cold, rain or snow, and walked a neighborhood begging for candy. As he got older we visited haunted houses or other supposed scary activities. it was all in fun, but it really was more of special times that we both could look back on and reminisce. I loved hearing him say, "Remember Mom, the time you took me to that place and we went trick or treating" and other memories.

Every time something special comes around, be it the Christian or other religious holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, target parents look back at the special times they had with their children. Many have lost those special times.

While my son is now an adult legally, I doubt I am missing the trick or treating times and his dressing up in a costume, but I still wonder what he is doing.

As for my poem: My ex accused me of many heinous things and attempted to strip me of my parental rights. I lost many special times and memories with my son, but I did not lose my son as my ex wished the courts would have granted.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

some thoughts about parental alienation

Through my own experiences dealing with parental alienation and with talking to those that experience first hand and others, I have come up with some thoughts of my own. I would like your feedback as well.

I had a conversation the other day with a young adult, age 23, whose parents are divorced. She has no idea of my situation. I do not believe that parental alienation played a huge part in her parent's divorce, although there could have been some naive alienation going on by both parents. What struck a chord with me, was a comment that she made. She did not want to know about her parent's divorce, did not want to know the cause, she just wanted to be able to love them both without feeling she had to hear anything of the past. I got a sense that now, both or one parents wanted to tell their side of the story. She stated this divorce was not about her. She is right.

In my previous post about what does love have to do with it and letting go, I think I hit upon something. Something that seems to make more sense as time goes on. I think the degree of parental alienation is directly related to the age of the child, time spent with the child before alienation became apparent and the level of the alienation employed by the alienating parent. This is not to say that some cases are easier, because any parent that experiences this can never recover the lost years.

If you are a target parent, never ever give up hope. Please keep contact, even if you are the one doing all the contact. Develop a thick skin and let the hurtful comments slide off. Keep a log, diary, online blog, something that chronicles your contact and love for your child. Get a facebook page or a myspace page or whatever the social networking pages that your child may have. You nay not be friends with them, but post pictures of them, let them know you love them. Someone will see them and tell your child this. Call on birthdays, holidays and more. Leave a message, it may not be returned. Gather a box and place cards, gifts, whatever you have to into, that one day your child will see you never gave up. Don't stop being a parent that loves a child that can not do things just because the courts and your ex spouse has made it seem this way. You are just being the silent parent for now. I truly believe that these children taken away from the target parents will one day return.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

What does love have to do with it?

Today while researching some quotes I came across one that everyone has seen or read before. I read it and thought how profound it is.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with"

How does this relate to target parents and alienated children? As target parents we have to find the time to let go. As alienated children, they may feel they have been set free. What if they never return to us? What if they do?

I truly believe that the children that have been alienated against the target parent will someday return. Target parents have to keep the hope, faith and belief that they will. They must also maintain or attempt to maintain contact as well.

If you are a target parent, keep hoping, praying, believing and doing everything you can, even though you feel it will get you nowhere. Send cards, keep a copy for your records. Take notes and make a journal of your contact, Write your thoughts down. I do believe that one day, your child or children will read it and realize.

Never give up hope!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Missed the 1500 day mark

So today, August 28, 2009 is day 1503 that my son has not said that he loved me. I guess after some time, you miss these milestones. Just for the record1503 days = 4.11507763 years.

Things will change! I know it, I just have to keep doing what I do. Love my son and let him know that.

what can be done to stop parental alienation?

Question: What can be done to stop parental alienation?
Answer: That is a difficult question to answer, because everyone has their own ideas, but no one seems to care, except for those affected by this abuse.

Perhaps, that is a harsh answer, but it seems to be the reality of this abuse that happens to children.

Children being left in cars in the scorching heat, children being approached by a pedophile, children being killed all gather headlines and rightfully so. These are abuses and of the worst physical kind. There are headlines about children being kidnapped by the other parent, but the emphasis is not on the emotional abuse that the child experiences by being denied the other parent. The emphasis is either on the abuse that is "alleged" that lead to the parental kidnapping, or how tragic it will be that the child may be "forced" to return to the other parent. I do not deny that some parents take their children in what they consider a "good faith" attempt to protect their children from abuse, BUT these parents also do not realize that denying a child knowledge to the other parent is also abuse.

Some may question my views on this. Most that have experienced a divorce, "knows" that the other person is whatever words one can use to describe a terrible person. Sure, they have cheated, lied, abused you, etc, but they still are the person you selected as your spouse and was the other parent. Now suddenely they are not worthy of love from a child or children you conceived together? This makes no sense to me.

So what to do about the system that does not care about these children subjected to this type of abuse? Make new laws against this crime? This sounds good in theory, but the sad fact remains that the current laws or suggestions are not enforced and there is no punishment for the willful and direct violation of these.

Every parenting plan that I have seen has some statements such as:
The willingness and ability of each of the parents to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and the other parent, consistent with the bests interests of the child;
The following are the rights of a parent during those times when the child is not in the care of that parent.
That parent has the right:
To be free of derogatory remarks made about such parent or such parent's family by the other parent to or in the presence of the child;
To unimpeded telephone conversations with the child at least twice each week at reasonable times and for a reasonable duration;

Of course there are several more suggestions, but any target parent can tell you that these basic rights above are rarley followed and that the "system" does not punish either for these so called violations.

So are new laws needed? Yes perhaps, but FIRST the current suggestions need to be followed with some form of punishment for the parent that disregards them. Until then, this emotional abuse of children caught in the crossfire of divorces will continue. There can be all sort of laws, but if the basic rights of parents are not encouraged and followed, then all the laws on the books mean absolutely nothing. If a parent is not punished for disreagreding a child's need to know and love both parents without prejudice, all the laws on the books is futile.

I urge everyone that has experienced parental alienation to speak out. Tell your story!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

My thoughts for the day

I have taken a break from posting, as many of my followers are aware. During this time, I have been sitting back listening to people talk and thinking about what they have said. One thing, I have noticed is the way things were said.

Two examples I would like to mention are two people that are divorced and they had children with their spouses. One person is male and the other is female. I attempt to be fair minded and have always stated that parental alienation is not gender based. The male hates his ex wife with all his being. He can not say one word nice about her. The female hates her ex with all her being and also can not say one word nice about him. When I mention that they had children, both claim what a jerk the spouse was and how they do not matter. I also heard that the children do not like the other parent. If asked why, the answer is because they saw what a jerk the spouse was. They both were quick to point out all the faults of the ex spouse, without my questioning them. They also state how much better the children would be without having contact with the other parent.

This is the behavior that makes me sick. I do not like what my ex did to me, but he and I did have a child together and at one time shared loving feelings. I can trash talk him with the rest, but I also can find some nice things to say about him as well. He cannot return the favor and neither can the two that I wrote about either.

When a parent has such hatred in their hearts for the other parent, it affects their ability to be a good parent. They constantly look for opportunities to plant the seeds of hatred about the other parent. When a parent cannot have the interests of their children above their own, they are selfish.

If you encounter parents that are attempting to plant seeds of hatred about their ex, realize that there are two sides to every story. I would also wonder what the motive was as well.

This is how parental alienation works. Deep seated hatred for the ex, followed by multiple stories that sway you to believe their story and acceptance that the child is better off without the other parent in their life. While the parent works on gathering their army of believers, the child is already enmeshed and telling stories as well.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!