Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate. — Thomas della Peruta
"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”----- Coretta Scott King
These two quotes surely give you something to think about. Hate is such a strong word that evokes emotion. What is hate? Is it the statements of "I hate peas and will not eat them", is it "I hate not having enough money and wish I had a job that paid better"? I think those two statements are more of annoyances that anything else. If I hated peas so much and saw that they were served at a meal, I would make a scene. If I hated not having enough money, I would quit my job. Both of those options are extremes, so therefore I have to say my hatred of peas and not enough money are annoyances and something I can live with. I do nothing to spread my hate of these two things. I do not go on a pea hating campaign and I do not trash my job.
We often use the term "hate" loosely. From hating peas or other vegetables, hating curfews placed upon us as teens by parents, to hating rules that govern us at work, we have at one time or another professed our hatred. In actuality, these scenarios more accurately describe a strong aversion or dislike of the situation or vegetable at hand.
One of the things that is common about the perceived hatred of people, food, and things is fear. We don't know about a different culture or race or we have not tried a food that looks different, so there is a fear of the unknown and hence the word "hate" enters. It is not hate, it is a fear of the unknown.
But when a child states they hate their parent, what is it? Is it real hatred because a teen is grounded because they disobeyed? Is it real hate when a young child says "I hate you" because they did not get their way? I do not believe so. I think those are words spoken by a child because they know it hurts you so much, but deep down they still love you.
When a child in a divorce situation whom you have always had a positive relationship with suddenly professes their hatred for you, not only by words but by actions, this is hatred. How could a child hate the other parent so much? If you are not guilty of abuse, physical, sexual or emotional, then where does this hatred arise from. Children are not born to hate, but the seeds of hatred are sown by the parents. Be it to hate another race, religion, or person. In cases of parental alienation a child may be manipulated by a parent who wants to punish the other, or for custody. They are emotionally blackmailed by the alienator. Children are abused so that a partner can gain an advantage. These tactics fit a description of abuse.
Children are not born to hate, they are taught it. Any parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child. Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Life’s a journey - not a destination
Today as many days, I listen to songs and I have listened to this one several times. Trying to decipher if this is a song that I can verbalize to others. Oh what the heck! I am going to give it a shot!
the lyrics
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
My first thoughts were how I did not listen to others in my choice of my man. How others told me he was so wrong for me. Relationships were not working for me and "he" was the one for me. I could not listen to others. So glad I had my angel of mercy watching over me, as I would not realize how much the angel was needed.
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain
Never gave this much thought till now. Alienators try to make you feel crazy, insane, unstable. You are so confused. You are hurting due to many things. You are living a life of emotional pain.
And when I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn’t get out the door
Alientaors will push you to limits and beyond. You hit rock bottom, thinking you can handle things, but you can't.
I was so sick n’ tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishing that I would die
what lie was I living? The lie that was made for me by the alienator. Did I wish i could die? Oh gosh many times....it had to be easier then the hell I was living.
It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It’s amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you’ll be alright
Not a blink of the eye if you are currently being targeted by the alienating parent. But as time has passed...I have to say a blink of an eye. Why? If one dwells and gets caught up in the moment and does not progress...you may not progress. That moment, if and when it arrives may not be what you wanted. As you look back, you will realize that you have arrived and will be alright.
And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
Wow! some powerful words!
So in closing. I have made bad choices..am so glad to have my angel of mercy watching over me. You have to learn to crawl sometimes again so you can walk. It is amazing what persistence, faith and determination can do. Never give up! Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
the lyrics
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain
And when I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick n’ tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishing that I would die
It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It’s amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m saying a prayer
For the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot’s a Permanent Vacation
And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen
To all that righteous talk
I was out on the street
Just tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive
“So, from all of us at Aerosmith to all of you out there, wherever you are.
Remember- the light at the end of the tunnel
may be you. Goodnight!
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
My first thoughts were how I did not listen to others in my choice of my man. How others told me he was so wrong for me. Relationships were not working for me and "he" was the one for me. I could not listen to others. So glad I had my angel of mercy watching over me, as I would not realize how much the angel was needed.
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through the pain
Never gave this much thought till now. Alienators try to make you feel crazy, insane, unstable. You are so confused. You are hurting due to many things. You are living a life of emotional pain.
And when I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn’t get out the door
Alientaors will push you to limits and beyond. You hit rock bottom, thinking you can handle things, but you can't.
I was so sick n’ tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishing that I would die
what lie was I living? The lie that was made for me by the alienator. Did I wish i could die? Oh gosh many times....it had to be easier then the hell I was living.
It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It’s amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you’ll be alright
Not a blink of the eye if you are currently being targeted by the alienating parent. But as time has passed...I have to say a blink of an eye. Why? If one dwells and gets caught up in the moment and does not progress...you may not progress. That moment, if and when it arrives may not be what you wanted. As you look back, you will realize that you have arrived and will be alright.
And a how high can you fly with broken wings
Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
Wow! some powerful words!
So in closing. I have made bad choices..am so glad to have my angel of mercy watching over me. You have to learn to crawl sometimes again so you can walk. It is amazing what persistence, faith and determination can do. Never give up! Life’s a journey - not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Happy Halloween!
Halloween...is a holiday that's celebrated annually on the night of October 31. It originated in Ireland. The word itself, "Halloween," actually has its origins in the Catholic Church. It comes from a contracted corruption of All Hallows Eve. November 1, "All Hollows Day" (or "All Saints Day"), is a Catholic day of observance in honor of saints. But, in the 5th century BC, in Celtic Ireland, summer officially ended on October 31. The holiday was called Samhain (sow-en), the Celtic New year. The custom of Halloween was brought to America in the 1840's by Irish immigrants fleeing their country's potato famine. At that time, the favorite pranks in New England included tipping over outhouses and unhinging fence gates. The custom of trick-or-treating is thought to have originated not with the Irish Celts, but with a ninth-century European custom called souling. On November 2, All Souls Day, early Christians would walk from village to village begging for "soul cakes," made out of square pieces of bread with currants. The more soul cakes the beggars would receive, the more prayers they would promise to say on behalf of the dead relatives of the donors. At the time, it was believed that the dead remained in limbo for a time after death, and that prayer, even by strangers, could expedite a soul's passage to heaven.
Now that you have had your little history lesson about Halloween......
Halloween....whether you and your children celebrated it or not..you may have memories of the night. Doorbells ring, children dressed as ghosts, goblins and their favorite cartoon characters reciting the "trick or treat" mantra, in hopes of receiving a treat from your home. Perhaps you dressed your children up and went walking through your neighborhood and your children came home with more candy than they needed. The whole point of Halloween for me was doing something special with my son. Something he looked forward to until he became too old to trick or treat. Now that he is an adult, I miss those cold, dark nights bundled up to fend off the cold and walking from home to home with him.
So tonight when your doorbell rings and a cute little character recites "trick or treat", give then a great treat, smile and enjoy the little ones. There may be a parent who is celebrating their last Halloween with their child tonight.
Most of all, be safe, stay warm and check your child's candy before they eat it. Sad world we live in that one has to do this.
Monday, October 25, 2010
best interest of the child?
The best interests of the child is something parents hear about in custody cases. It is the doctrine used by most courts to determine a wide range of issues relating to the well-being of the children. I am sure we have read over the guidelines used in determining what is the best interests of the child. There are two guidelines I find are conflicting, when parental alienation is present. The capacity of each parent to allow and encourage frequent and continuing contact between the child and the other parent, including physical access and the preference of the child.
When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent often limits contact or refuses contact between the children and other (target) parent. The children are brainwashed against the other (target) parent and many times will tell the court that they do not want to see the target parent. This is where the problem lies with the courts. They fail miserably in cases of parental alienation. I do not believe that judges and attorneys are clueless to the actions of parental alienation. I believe they have been well aware of this phenomenon for years, but the current penalties that judges can impose are useless. One can file contempt charges against the alienating parent, but I have found that getting the case heard is difficult. I had my contempt cases rescheduled several times because my ex would have a "reason" why he could not attend court that day. The judges also get irritated when one parent seems to file contempt proceedings as well. As time goes on, the child is being programmed more and more against the target parent. Then the judge listens to the child who states they want nothing to do with you, they hate you and more. I had counseling ordered, but my ex refused to attend. By the time all was said and done, I had a child who wanted nothing to do with me, told the judge he refused to live with me and would run away if forced to live there. The judge felt his hands were tied. Instead of the judge making that decision, I had to allow my son to live with his dad, so I would not have to deal with a runaway.
Alienating parents use the children as accomplices in a crime of hate. The alienating parent will say, I tried to make them see you, but they refuse. Where are the adults in this? When did a minor get to state what they want and have it granted? This is not about a gift they wish for and hope they get it. This is about having contact with the parents who love them.
The courts are doing a great disservice to parents by allowing the "preference of the child" to dominate custody cases. The courts fail to act upon the blocking of access properly.
Studies show time and time again that children benefit from having contact with both parents. This is barring any verifiable and documented cases of TRUE abuse, not the abuse claims made by the alienating parent and by the children who are vague in details or way too knowledgeable of details based upon their age. You may not like your ex and most likely do not if they are an ex now. That does not mean they are now a terrible parent. Children benefit from having contact, love and a stable relationship with both parents. One parent who attempts to sabotage this as a means for revenge is wrong.
The courts need to step up to the bar (pardon the pun) and put a stop permanently to the actions of parental alienation.
When did the best interests of the child mean denying them access to both parents?
PARENTAL ALIENATION IS ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!
When parental alienation is present, the alienating parent often limits contact or refuses contact between the children and other (target) parent. The children are brainwashed against the other (target) parent and many times will tell the court that they do not want to see the target parent. This is where the problem lies with the courts. They fail miserably in cases of parental alienation. I do not believe that judges and attorneys are clueless to the actions of parental alienation. I believe they have been well aware of this phenomenon for years, but the current penalties that judges can impose are useless. One can file contempt charges against the alienating parent, but I have found that getting the case heard is difficult. I had my contempt cases rescheduled several times because my ex would have a "reason" why he could not attend court that day. The judges also get irritated when one parent seems to file contempt proceedings as well. As time goes on, the child is being programmed more and more against the target parent. Then the judge listens to the child who states they want nothing to do with you, they hate you and more. I had counseling ordered, but my ex refused to attend. By the time all was said and done, I had a child who wanted nothing to do with me, told the judge he refused to live with me and would run away if forced to live there. The judge felt his hands were tied. Instead of the judge making that decision, I had to allow my son to live with his dad, so I would not have to deal with a runaway.
Alienating parents use the children as accomplices in a crime of hate. The alienating parent will say, I tried to make them see you, but they refuse. Where are the adults in this? When did a minor get to state what they want and have it granted? This is not about a gift they wish for and hope they get it. This is about having contact with the parents who love them.
The courts are doing a great disservice to parents by allowing the "preference of the child" to dominate custody cases. The courts fail to act upon the blocking of access properly.
Studies show time and time again that children benefit from having contact with both parents. This is barring any verifiable and documented cases of TRUE abuse, not the abuse claims made by the alienating parent and by the children who are vague in details or way too knowledgeable of details based upon their age. You may not like your ex and most likely do not if they are an ex now. That does not mean they are now a terrible parent. Children benefit from having contact, love and a stable relationship with both parents. One parent who attempts to sabotage this as a means for revenge is wrong.
The courts need to step up to the bar (pardon the pun) and put a stop permanently to the actions of parental alienation.
When did the best interests of the child mean denying them access to both parents?
PARENTAL ALIENATION IS ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Yanni at the Acropolis - Until The Last Moment...
Some days I listen to songs to sing along, other days to be cheered up by a familiar tune. Sometimes I am searching a relaxing melody so I can lose myself in a thought. I like many genres of music, but many times I seek out a classical type of music. So today I was searching youtube for some Yanni videos. OK call me cheesy...But I came across this one and had to listen many times to hear what he says at the beginning of the video. That lead me to googling quotes by him. I came across the following.
No matter what happens in life, never lose sight of who you are.
My father taught me that one of the most important abilities in life is to be able to take the pain and persevere, and for years this lesson had served me well.
this is what he says in this video:
Sometimes we get caught up in our troubles and our problems and we let life slip away, but life is precious, all of life, and one must try to take in as much of it as possible
No matter what happens in life, never lose sight of who you are.
My father taught me that one of the most important abilities in life is to be able to take the pain and persevere, and for years this lesson had served me well.
this is what he says in this video:
Sometimes we get caught up in our troubles and our problems and we let life slip away, but life is precious, all of life, and one must try to take in as much of it as possible
parenting during alienation
One could say that parenting a child while being a target in an alienation case is an oxymoron. How does a parent be a parent during this? How do we as parents correct the abhorrent behavior that our children have? Any correction or punishment of their behavior only adds fuel to the alienation and to the alienating parent. Grounding your child sends the message that you are the bad parent, because the other parent is constantly instilling that message to them. Your children could be told things such as, see I told you your mom/dad doesn't let you do anything, see I told you your mom/dad is always grounding you and more.
So what does a parent do? I don't have a blanket answer and what has worked for me may not work for your case. Target parents are looking for advice and are willing to do what it takes to overcome this as well. You may be wondering what was my "secret" to finally have my son start coming around. There is no secret or special formula. But I can talk about my case and hope that what I have gone through and done helps other target parents. This is my goal, to help other target parents overcome the alienation and to reconnect with their children. My other goal is to have the legal system and counselors recognize this alienating behavior for what it is.
One piece of advice that I got was to "pick my battles". Pick my battles? What are you talking about? How many can I choose?
Let me state that I was not aware of the term parental alienation until after my son accused me of abusing him after a weekend visit in the summer. He spent the summers with his dad and for years all went well, or so I thought. This particular year 2005, things changed. We had a good weekend considering all the problems that happened that weekend. I was kissed goodnight, hugged and told that I was loved by my son. Looking back, I have to wonder if the problems were not part of a plan. I would later find out that my son was told that he could tell the judge where he wants to live and the judge has to listen to him if things change at mom's home. Prior to this weekend I had a son who was considerate, empathetic, sympathetic, loving, giving, respectful and always striving for a bigger goal academically. My son did not have a strong relationship with his dad. I fault his dad for this because his dad was always too busy with work and other activities to take time off to attend school functions and more. My son hated this and always made excuses for his dad, such as his dad's work is important and dad did not get enough notice to change his work schedule. I hated that my son thought this, but I never told him different. I just agreed that his dad had an important job. His dad never called on a regular basis and that bothered my son. But again, there was always an excuse. What I hated about the summer extended visits was that my son was not spending the time with his dad, but spending it with the new wife or girlfriend or in a daycare setting. His dad did have to work and did well in his job, but I never saw any efforts on his part to set aside special time for his son. Our son spent his time with others instead of his dad during the summer.
After that weekend, as I call it, my life turned upside down and things changed drastically and seemingly overnight. Now my list of "pick my battles" was overwhelming. So what were the battles I thought I had to pick from? If you recall I have stated that my son did not get phone calls from his dad. Now he was getting calls up to 15 times per day. Not that it is bad, but it is a dramatic change from previous behavior of his dad. My son was going to his room to talk, but he was slamming shut a door to his room and locking it. Behavior that was also a dramatic change. When I asked that he did not slam his door, he would slam his door again. Asking my son to help set the table for dinner was now met with words of "you can't make me". Dinner was a major and stressful time. He would literally shovel his food into his mouth, and display horrendous table manners. He would leave the table within minutes and refuse to take his dinnerware to the sink. Telling my son I loved his was met with a look that just sliced my heart in two. School was a major issue. Letting him know that he had x amount of time to get ready for school was met with him rolling over and ignoring me. Repeated requests were ignored. Finally I was told that if I force him to do something, he will call the cops and report me for abuse. His school work suffered and I was told that he was trying to get kicked out of school so the judge will force him to live with his dad. I was told he "knew" how to run away and there was nothing I could do and the judge will say he can live with his dad. Peers and my family members were also subjected to this behavior. An elderly lady who always relied on his help with his taking groceries from her car to her house was told she can do it herself. It became embarrassing to hear his insults and rants to others. He refused to call me mom and either referred to me by my given name or as Hey. He told me to take sleeping medicine in excess and to indulge in foods that I was severely allergic to. I was told to buy him things because his dad buys him things. I was told his dad does what he wants. I was told his dad has a bigger and better home, so the judge will let him live there. I had a list of behaviors that were on my battle list and I had to pick carefully. Common courtesy, human decency and civility were completely lacking in his interaction with me and of those close to me.
So I had to find out what a parent was. To me that meant that I loved him, showed him love, guided him, set good examples and try to mold him to be a productive citizen as well. That also meant to me that when he disobeyed reasonable requests, he would have repercussions as well. In the past that meant things such as doing well in school rewarded him. Good behavior could result in a new game or something he was wanting at the store. Bad behavior could be a grounding from the playstation system.
His behavior was abhorrent and grounding was not going to work. He was not doing anything behavior wise to warrant a reward. My hands were tied for the most part.
Then I thought about it. What is the most important thing a parent can do for their child beside offer shelter and the necessities of life, such as food, clothes, school supplies and such? LOVE. That is probably the most difficult things to feel good about when your child so clearly does everything in their power to appear that they hate you and want you to disappear completely from their life. Then I realized that the most important thing however, that any parent can give their child, is a sense of being loved and we have to remember that we are not perfect. Parents this is not a competition as to who can buy more for the child. We have faults, everyone does, parent or not.
The battle I picked was the disrespectful to the parent one. I told him his behavior was not acceptable. I told him I will not hear him being disrespectful to me or to his dad. Yes, I had to bite my tongue and not say disparaging things about his dad and admit I was not always successful, but I caught myself and recognized my own behavior. I always told my son I loved him even when he was very clear in his hatred for me.
Somehow with time, prayers, faith, preservation and many breakdowns of crying in private, things have changed.
Although the courts have laws defining behavior of a parent who is denying visitation, I will touch upon the legal side at a later time.
PARENTAL ALIENATION IS ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!
So what does a parent do? I don't have a blanket answer and what has worked for me may not work for your case. Target parents are looking for advice and are willing to do what it takes to overcome this as well. You may be wondering what was my "secret" to finally have my son start coming around. There is no secret or special formula. But I can talk about my case and hope that what I have gone through and done helps other target parents. This is my goal, to help other target parents overcome the alienation and to reconnect with their children. My other goal is to have the legal system and counselors recognize this alienating behavior for what it is.
One piece of advice that I got was to "pick my battles". Pick my battles? What are you talking about? How many can I choose?
Let me state that I was not aware of the term parental alienation until after my son accused me of abusing him after a weekend visit in the summer. He spent the summers with his dad and for years all went well, or so I thought. This particular year 2005, things changed. We had a good weekend considering all the problems that happened that weekend. I was kissed goodnight, hugged and told that I was loved by my son. Looking back, I have to wonder if the problems were not part of a plan. I would later find out that my son was told that he could tell the judge where he wants to live and the judge has to listen to him if things change at mom's home. Prior to this weekend I had a son who was considerate, empathetic, sympathetic, loving, giving, respectful and always striving for a bigger goal academically. My son did not have a strong relationship with his dad. I fault his dad for this because his dad was always too busy with work and other activities to take time off to attend school functions and more. My son hated this and always made excuses for his dad, such as his dad's work is important and dad did not get enough notice to change his work schedule. I hated that my son thought this, but I never told him different. I just agreed that his dad had an important job. His dad never called on a regular basis and that bothered my son. But again, there was always an excuse. What I hated about the summer extended visits was that my son was not spending the time with his dad, but spending it with the new wife or girlfriend or in a daycare setting. His dad did have to work and did well in his job, but I never saw any efforts on his part to set aside special time for his son. Our son spent his time with others instead of his dad during the summer.
After that weekend, as I call it, my life turned upside down and things changed drastically and seemingly overnight. Now my list of "pick my battles" was overwhelming. So what were the battles I thought I had to pick from? If you recall I have stated that my son did not get phone calls from his dad. Now he was getting calls up to 15 times per day. Not that it is bad, but it is a dramatic change from previous behavior of his dad. My son was going to his room to talk, but he was slamming shut a door to his room and locking it. Behavior that was also a dramatic change. When I asked that he did not slam his door, he would slam his door again. Asking my son to help set the table for dinner was now met with words of "you can't make me". Dinner was a major and stressful time. He would literally shovel his food into his mouth, and display horrendous table manners. He would leave the table within minutes and refuse to take his dinnerware to the sink. Telling my son I loved his was met with a look that just sliced my heart in two. School was a major issue. Letting him know that he had x amount of time to get ready for school was met with him rolling over and ignoring me. Repeated requests were ignored. Finally I was told that if I force him to do something, he will call the cops and report me for abuse. His school work suffered and I was told that he was trying to get kicked out of school so the judge will force him to live with his dad. I was told he "knew" how to run away and there was nothing I could do and the judge will say he can live with his dad. Peers and my family members were also subjected to this behavior. An elderly lady who always relied on his help with his taking groceries from her car to her house was told she can do it herself. It became embarrassing to hear his insults and rants to others. He refused to call me mom and either referred to me by my given name or as Hey. He told me to take sleeping medicine in excess and to indulge in foods that I was severely allergic to. I was told to buy him things because his dad buys him things. I was told his dad does what he wants. I was told his dad has a bigger and better home, so the judge will let him live there. I had a list of behaviors that were on my battle list and I had to pick carefully. Common courtesy, human decency and civility were completely lacking in his interaction with me and of those close to me.
So I had to find out what a parent was. To me that meant that I loved him, showed him love, guided him, set good examples and try to mold him to be a productive citizen as well. That also meant to me that when he disobeyed reasonable requests, he would have repercussions as well. In the past that meant things such as doing well in school rewarded him. Good behavior could result in a new game or something he was wanting at the store. Bad behavior could be a grounding from the playstation system.
His behavior was abhorrent and grounding was not going to work. He was not doing anything behavior wise to warrant a reward. My hands were tied for the most part.
Then I thought about it. What is the most important thing a parent can do for their child beside offer shelter and the necessities of life, such as food, clothes, school supplies and such? LOVE. That is probably the most difficult things to feel good about when your child so clearly does everything in their power to appear that they hate you and want you to disappear completely from their life. Then I realized that the most important thing however, that any parent can give their child, is a sense of being loved and we have to remember that we are not perfect. Parents this is not a competition as to who can buy more for the child. We have faults, everyone does, parent or not.
The battle I picked was the disrespectful to the parent one. I told him his behavior was not acceptable. I told him I will not hear him being disrespectful to me or to his dad. Yes, I had to bite my tongue and not say disparaging things about his dad and admit I was not always successful, but I caught myself and recognized my own behavior. I always told my son I loved him even when he was very clear in his hatred for me.
Somehow with time, prayers, faith, preservation and many breakdowns of crying in private, things have changed.
Although the courts have laws defining behavior of a parent who is denying visitation, I will touch upon the legal side at a later time.
PARENTAL ALIENATION IS ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!
Monday, September 27, 2010
suggested reading
I think it is important as a target parent to do as much reading as possible about parental alienation. Here are a few of the books I have read. If you have not read them, think about getting yourself a gift. There are several books listed on Amazon pertaining to parental alienation. I picked out three today that I have read.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Parental Alienation...what do you think when you hear that term?
Parental Alienation.....a term that evokes emotion, speculation, arguments and agreement. If you are a target parent, you are in agreement that parental alienation is a true phenomenon. If you are part of the groups that dismiss parental alienation, you have many arguments against parental alienation. You believe it is nothing more than junk science. Why is there such disparity?
I believe that in many divorce and custody cases, there is a mindset of one partner who will not stop at anything to "win". They fail to think of anyone but themselves, but will deny this vehemently. Their need for revenge, their hatred of the spouse, clouds their judgment and impedes their ability to act reasonably with regard for their children. I think they feel the children are young so therefore they can adapt to changes and do not know what is best for them. Although I agree that we must protect our children, we must not place our misguided perceptions above the needs of our children.
Children need both parents and especially more after a divorce. In almost every case, aside from extreme abuse and neglect, kids benefit from significant time with both of their parents. This time spent with the other parent, should not be taken away because the other parent does not like the other. Unfortunately , this happens all the time.
This hatred can fester within the other parent and stories start to surface. Perhaps, when the couple was together, they made time for a date night or made sure the other spouse had a night out with the boys or the girls. Perhaps date night included dinner with a bottle of wine. These seemingly normal activities take on a new light in parental alienation. The alienating parent will tell the children that mom or dad was always out on a boys or girls night out. The alienating parent will say that the other parent drank alcohol and embellishes the story more.
The alienating parent will pursue an agenda of attempting to eliminate the children from the other parent's life. They will stop at nothing, including outright lies to the child and courts, perjury, using the legal system to harass, utilizing the police to harass, enlisting the help of friends and family to make false statements to government agencies, making false statements of abuse and more. They take shreds of truth and expand upon them and spin it into a story. For example, we enjoyed a drink occasionally. I then became and alcoholic who took my child on wild rides in the car. The judge focused more on the fact that I would have a drink. It was never about my having a drink, it became about my inability to control my drinking. Although, I worked some very odd hours, worked overtime, never called in sick to work and did not even have a speeding ticket, I was labeled a person who drank and had a problem. Although my ex spent many nights out with others, my one night out became an issue with the court. I think it was a shopping trip as well. I did spank my child once for running out in the street when he was little, so therefore I was abusive. Hence, the small amount of truth gets blown out of proportion. Any rebuttals I had were never heard. Alienators will block court ordered visitation, they will change phone numbers and refuse to provide a contact, they will enroll the child into activities that interfere with your parenting time. They will stop at nothing to prevent your contact with your children.
Alienators are manipulators and are masters of deceit. Alienators are so hell bent on male or female bashing that they cannot see the forest through the trees. I am pretty certain that they possess traits of a narcissistic personality as well.
One thing that bothers me when these groups that are against parental alienation as a real phenomenon start their rebuttals is that they always claim real abuse and that they are protecting their child. I have to wonder when this so called abuse started? Although I agree there are real cases of abuse, I think many of these groups are using parental alienation themselves and stating that parental alienation is junk science.
Whatever your thoughts are about parental alienation are, I am sure you have met a person who is divorced. Have you ever encountered a divorced person who twenty years later can not stop badmouthing their ex? Have you ever witnessed them talking with their adult children and overheard them telling their children bad things about the other parent? Has this person talked about how abused they were and how their ex did not do as ordered by the court at any opportunity they have? Have you noticed that this person still hates the gender that they talk about? Have you ever noticed that if there is water cooler talk and one person may be having problems at home this one person is always willing to contribute their two cents about how bad that gender is and then proceed to tell you their horrors of their ex? That is an alienator.
Parental alienation is real. it is not some made up problem. Any parent who once has a good relationship with their child who suddenly finds themselves being systemically and methodically eliminated from their child's life, through no fault of their own, can attest to this.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I believe that in many divorce and custody cases, there is a mindset of one partner who will not stop at anything to "win". They fail to think of anyone but themselves, but will deny this vehemently. Their need for revenge, their hatred of the spouse, clouds their judgment and impedes their ability to act reasonably with regard for their children. I think they feel the children are young so therefore they can adapt to changes and do not know what is best for them. Although I agree that we must protect our children, we must not place our misguided perceptions above the needs of our children.
Children need both parents and especially more after a divorce. In almost every case, aside from extreme abuse and neglect, kids benefit from significant time with both of their parents. This time spent with the other parent, should not be taken away because the other parent does not like the other. Unfortunately , this happens all the time.
This hatred can fester within the other parent and stories start to surface. Perhaps, when the couple was together, they made time for a date night or made sure the other spouse had a night out with the boys or the girls. Perhaps date night included dinner with a bottle of wine. These seemingly normal activities take on a new light in parental alienation. The alienating parent will tell the children that mom or dad was always out on a boys or girls night out. The alienating parent will say that the other parent drank alcohol and embellishes the story more.
The alienating parent will pursue an agenda of attempting to eliminate the children from the other parent's life. They will stop at nothing, including outright lies to the child and courts, perjury, using the legal system to harass, utilizing the police to harass, enlisting the help of friends and family to make false statements to government agencies, making false statements of abuse and more. They take shreds of truth and expand upon them and spin it into a story. For example, we enjoyed a drink occasionally. I then became and alcoholic who took my child on wild rides in the car. The judge focused more on the fact that I would have a drink. It was never about my having a drink, it became about my inability to control my drinking. Although, I worked some very odd hours, worked overtime, never called in sick to work and did not even have a speeding ticket, I was labeled a person who drank and had a problem. Although my ex spent many nights out with others, my one night out became an issue with the court. I think it was a shopping trip as well. I did spank my child once for running out in the street when he was little, so therefore I was abusive. Hence, the small amount of truth gets blown out of proportion. Any rebuttals I had were never heard. Alienators will block court ordered visitation, they will change phone numbers and refuse to provide a contact, they will enroll the child into activities that interfere with your parenting time. They will stop at nothing to prevent your contact with your children.
Alienators are manipulators and are masters of deceit. Alienators are so hell bent on male or female bashing that they cannot see the forest through the trees. I am pretty certain that they possess traits of a narcissistic personality as well.
One thing that bothers me when these groups that are against parental alienation as a real phenomenon start their rebuttals is that they always claim real abuse and that they are protecting their child. I have to wonder when this so called abuse started? Although I agree there are real cases of abuse, I think many of these groups are using parental alienation themselves and stating that parental alienation is junk science.
Whatever your thoughts are about parental alienation are, I am sure you have met a person who is divorced. Have you ever encountered a divorced person who twenty years later can not stop badmouthing their ex? Have you ever witnessed them talking with their adult children and overheard them telling their children bad things about the other parent? Has this person talked about how abused they were and how their ex did not do as ordered by the court at any opportunity they have? Have you noticed that this person still hates the gender that they talk about? Have you ever noticed that if there is water cooler talk and one person may be having problems at home this one person is always willing to contribute their two cents about how bad that gender is and then proceed to tell you their horrors of their ex? That is an alienator.
Parental alienation is real. it is not some made up problem. Any parent who once has a good relationship with their child who suddenly finds themselves being systemically and methodically eliminated from their child's life, through no fault of their own, can attest to this.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thoughts for the day
Lately I have been thinking about lying. I have been thinking about all the lies told in my case and searching about quotations about lies. I came across several quotes, many you may have heard.
"Who lies for you will lie against you."
"Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind."
"Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half"
"A lie cannot live"
One of the quotes has struck a chord with me. A lie cannot live. Why? Something which is not true cannot continue to exist. It will take time, maybe even years, but eventually the truth will surface.
If you are a target parent dealing with lies told about you, continue to be consistent in your love for your children, don't give up hope. Eventually the lies will be seen for what they are....lies.
Always take the high road, no matter how painful it is. Always be truthful, but do not be an alienator. Always continue to try to have a relationship with your children, no matter how hurtful they are to you.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
- "O, what a tangled web we weave; when first we practice to deceive! "
"Who lies for you will lie against you."
"Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind."
"Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half"
"A lie cannot live"
One of the quotes has struck a chord with me. A lie cannot live. Why? Something which is not true cannot continue to exist. It will take time, maybe even years, but eventually the truth will surface.
If you are a target parent dealing with lies told about you, continue to be consistent in your love for your children, don't give up hope. Eventually the lies will be seen for what they are....lies.
Always take the high road, no matter how painful it is. Always be truthful, but do not be an alienator. Always continue to try to have a relationship with your children, no matter how hurtful they are to you.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Was she really "protecting" her child? Or is this parental alienation?
According to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, an estimated 355,000 children are abducted from their homes each year. These children can go days, weeks, months or even years with no contact from anyone except their abductor. And many of these children are not taken by strangers: They are abducted by their own parents. There are some who claim kidnapping their own children is the only option they have, but what about the other parent -- and what about the child?
One such child was kidnapped by his mother in a contentious custody battle. Why did she do it? She painted a picture of sexual abuse to her daughter by her husband and her husband's son. The couple each had children prior to their marriage, she a daughter and he a son. Together they had a son. I do not believe allegations were made of sexual abuse to the son they had together, but only about the daughter.
The story can be found here. This is the story of Sindi Graber Linden and Paul Marinkovich and the bitter custody case over their son Gabriel. Sindi moved to 4 countries. I found many stories online about this story.
This story hits home with me, because it shows what lengths a vindictive ex spouse will go to alienate a child against the other parent. Although my ex did not take my son to another country, he did move often, told my son he did not need his mother and stated the new wife was the mother.
Not knowing where your child is, not being able to see them, talk to them, hear their voice is the most cruel punishment the other parent can inflict upon the other parent.
Parental Alienation is ABUSE!STOP THE ABUSE!
One such child was kidnapped by his mother in a contentious custody battle. Why did she do it? She painted a picture of sexual abuse to her daughter by her husband and her husband's son. The couple each had children prior to their marriage, she a daughter and he a son. Together they had a son. I do not believe allegations were made of sexual abuse to the son they had together, but only about the daughter.
The story can be found here. This is the story of Sindi Graber Linden and Paul Marinkovich and the bitter custody case over their son Gabriel. Sindi moved to 4 countries. I found many stories online about this story.
Mother who fled with son testifies: 'I had to'
Mother loses custody case
So is this mother protecting her son and other children from a monster, or is she selfish and punishing her ex husband for a failed marriage? I believe this is a vindictive, manipulating, cunning ex wife who will stop at nothing to make her ex husband "pay" for their failed marriage. She had changed Gabriele's last name, asked him to avoid the cops because they were working for his dad. She told Gabriel that his dad was the new step father.This story hits home with me, because it shows what lengths a vindictive ex spouse will go to alienate a child against the other parent. Although my ex did not take my son to another country, he did move often, told my son he did not need his mother and stated the new wife was the mother.
Not knowing where your child is, not being able to see them, talk to them, hear their voice is the most cruel punishment the other parent can inflict upon the other parent.
Parental Alienation is ABUSE!STOP THE ABUSE!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day
A Dad is a personwho is loving and kind,
And often he knows
what you have on your mind.
He's someone who listens,
suggests, and defends
A dad can be one
of your very best friends!
He's proud of your triumphs
but when things go wrong
A dad can be patient
and helpful and strong.
In all that you do,
a dad's love plays a part
There's always a place for him
deep in your heart.
And each year that passes
you're even more glad,
More grateful and proud
just to call him your dad!
Thank you, Dad .
for listening and caring
for giving and sharing
but, especially, for just being you! Happy Father's Day
To all the Dad's that are unable to see their children today, remember your child maybe feeling the loss as well. Your son or daughter is wishing you a Happy Father's Day in their thoughts.
Any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a Dad!
Happy Father's Day!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
If Today Was Your Last Day
I found this download on my computer in my "songs" section. My son had downloaded this. His tastes and mine are different, but I do like some of the songs he listens to. I looked up the lyrics and was surprised. Was he listening to this for the music and beat or the words?
"If Today Was Your Last Day"
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today were your last day what would you do?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
quote of the day
I came across this today and really thought this makes a lot of sense.
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum
As any parent knows, we often get frustrated that our children do not listen to us, or more often than not, it seems that way. When one parent is a target parent, we realize that our children are not listening to the parent that is trying to steer them correctly, but to the parent that is steering them wrong. Any parent that attempts to diminish a relationship between the child and other parent is steering them wrong.
Children not only learn from our words, but also by our actions. What message do we send when a parent who is telling the child to hate the other parent, to disrespect them and encourages others to join in their mission? Then the same parent will tell the court that they are not doing this and does not know what to do because the child refuses to spend time with the other parent. Their words say one thing but their actions speak another.
As a target parent my words of I love you son have fell on deaf ears, but my actions have always remained constant. This one day will be what the children realize and see. The lies they have been told will come to light as well. I found this quote about lies.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum
As any parent knows, we often get frustrated that our children do not listen to us, or more often than not, it seems that way. When one parent is a target parent, we realize that our children are not listening to the parent that is trying to steer them correctly, but to the parent that is steering them wrong. Any parent that attempts to diminish a relationship between the child and other parent is steering them wrong.
Children not only learn from our words, but also by our actions. What message do we send when a parent who is telling the child to hate the other parent, to disrespect them and encourages others to join in their mission? Then the same parent will tell the court that they are not doing this and does not know what to do because the child refuses to spend time with the other parent. Their words say one thing but their actions speak another.
As a target parent my words of I love you son have fell on deaf ears, but my actions have always remained constant. This one day will be what the children realize and see. The lies they have been told will come to light as well. I found this quote about lies.
“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity”
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
A Mother's Love
~
A Mother's love is something
that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.
- Helen Steiner Rice
Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's that are target parents. My thoughts are with you today as you are missing your children. I am hoping to hear from my son, but do not know if I will. The pain and feeling of loss is immense.
If you are a mother that has kept your children from their father, realize that you would not have a child to keep from their father without that father.
To my son: Even though we can not spend time together today, I love you, miss you and am thinking of you. You are always in my heart. You have outgrown my lap to sit in and your hands have outgrown mine to hold, but you have not outgrown the love I have for you.
Parental Alienation is ABUSE! Stop the abuse!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day
Today is the 5th Annual Parental Alienation Awareness Day. Why is this important? It is important because as the public, attorneys, judges, teachers, police, social workers and others are educated about the effects of parental alienation then change can happen. Burying one's head in the sand and having the attitude that is just a phase will not make change happen.
There are so many theories, beliefs and opinions about parental alienation. I am not sure what I would have thought about parental alienation until I experienced it first hand. Quite honestly, if I heard my story from someone else, I may have nodded my head, said "oh I am so sorry" and avoided contact. The stories I hear seem something made for drama lifetime movies. The stories I hear all ring the same though.
As I have mentioned before in a previous post, I have reconnected with my son. One of the hard things I have accepting at times is the lost time that I will never recover and the fact that our relationship is now different.
This morning my son called me to ask if we could meet. We spent a few hours together and on my way home I thought about many things. I thought about the hoops I have jumped through just get to this point and how I still am no closer to answers as to why. There seems to be no sense of closure on that fact. As I thought about it longer, I realized that idea of thought kept me angry about what happened. Not as I was angry with my son totally, but more angry that his father could do this to his child. Then it dawned on me that my anger meant that his father still had control of me. The only way I can and will move forward is to let go of the anger. That also means I may never get closure or answers to many questions I have. is it important? Yes and no. And I am working on that.
As I continued to drive home I thought about other things as well. I thought about how lucky I am compared to other target parents and how selfish I was in my thinking that I wanted answers. I started to wonder was there a positive side to all of this?
So here are some of my thoughts. Four years ago I did not exist as a parent. I was not listed as one for his school. Phone calls I made to my son went unanswered and not returned. Text messaging was pretty much non existent unless I was being told something negative. Holidays were not important for me. I was not privy to know anything about school, friends or events. I was not allowed pictures. I existed as a mandated weekend, when enforced, as the person who allowed my son to do what he wanted and to treat me as he wished. If I felt bad or was sick, oh well was the sentiment. I was the doormat and allowed it to spend anytime with my son. I never knew if my weekend would be forbidden or not. My name was not mom, but my given name as well.
Today I am mom. I get phone calls and text messages. They are not regular and go in cycles. I may hear from my son several times a week or I may go a week or two without hearing from him. I am asked for advice about things and told things as well that he does not want his dad to know because my son says his dad will yell at him. I do not disparage his dad to him, although there have been times I could have. I imagine he tells his dad things that he does not want me to know and I accept that. I now get a hug from him and he does not pull away from me. I can tell him I love him and he does not give me that disgusted look. I still do not get I love you Mom back.
So what was the positive to come from this? From experiences and other people's stories. I am able to overcome insecurities and am able to embrace what time I have with my child. I am not afraid of sharing him especially with the other parent. My child is an individual molded from ideas that both my ex husband and I believe in. Anger is a tool that someone holds over another to control. Letting go of my anger took away the control that my ex held over me. My son is no longer a 10 year old, but now an adult and he has adult ideas, thoughts and words. Life is too damn short to sweat the small stuff. Take whatever nibble of positive you have and work from that.
There are so many theories, beliefs and opinions about parental alienation. I am not sure what I would have thought about parental alienation until I experienced it first hand. Quite honestly, if I heard my story from someone else, I may have nodded my head, said "oh I am so sorry" and avoided contact. The stories I hear seem something made for drama lifetime movies. The stories I hear all ring the same though.
As I have mentioned before in a previous post, I have reconnected with my son. One of the hard things I have accepting at times is the lost time that I will never recover and the fact that our relationship is now different.
This morning my son called me to ask if we could meet. We spent a few hours together and on my way home I thought about many things. I thought about the hoops I have jumped through just get to this point and how I still am no closer to answers as to why. There seems to be no sense of closure on that fact. As I thought about it longer, I realized that idea of thought kept me angry about what happened. Not as I was angry with my son totally, but more angry that his father could do this to his child. Then it dawned on me that my anger meant that his father still had control of me. The only way I can and will move forward is to let go of the anger. That also means I may never get closure or answers to many questions I have. is it important? Yes and no. And I am working on that.
As I continued to drive home I thought about other things as well. I thought about how lucky I am compared to other target parents and how selfish I was in my thinking that I wanted answers. I started to wonder was there a positive side to all of this?
So here are some of my thoughts. Four years ago I did not exist as a parent. I was not listed as one for his school. Phone calls I made to my son went unanswered and not returned. Text messaging was pretty much non existent unless I was being told something negative. Holidays were not important for me. I was not privy to know anything about school, friends or events. I was not allowed pictures. I existed as a mandated weekend, when enforced, as the person who allowed my son to do what he wanted and to treat me as he wished. If I felt bad or was sick, oh well was the sentiment. I was the doormat and allowed it to spend anytime with my son. I never knew if my weekend would be forbidden or not. My name was not mom, but my given name as well.
Today I am mom. I get phone calls and text messages. They are not regular and go in cycles. I may hear from my son several times a week or I may go a week or two without hearing from him. I am asked for advice about things and told things as well that he does not want his dad to know because my son says his dad will yell at him. I do not disparage his dad to him, although there have been times I could have. I imagine he tells his dad things that he does not want me to know and I accept that. I now get a hug from him and he does not pull away from me. I can tell him I love him and he does not give me that disgusted look. I still do not get I love you Mom back.
So what was the positive to come from this? From experiences and other people's stories. I am able to overcome insecurities and am able to embrace what time I have with my child. I am not afraid of sharing him especially with the other parent. My child is an individual molded from ideas that both my ex husband and I believe in. Anger is a tool that someone holds over another to control. Letting go of my anger took away the control that my ex held over me. My son is no longer a 10 year old, but now an adult and he has adult ideas, thoughts and words. Life is too damn short to sweat the small stuff. Take whatever nibble of positive you have and work from that.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tennessee moves to have shared custody in divorces
Today I came across a newspaper article in USAToday that talked about a Tennessee bill that would evenly split custody in contentious divorce cases. My initial thoughts were this is great! Perhaps one state is listening to parents who are being wrongfully withheld parenting time with their children. I thought perhaps that parental alienation had been broached with these legislators and they were doing something positive in custody cases. As I read the article and took a look at the bill myself, I saw many obstacles and wording that, I thought, left a lot to be misunderstood or open to differing opinions by the judges. The more I read it, the more I could see a severe alienating parent using this bill to their advantage.
This is how HB 2916 reads:
HOUSE BILL 2916
By Bell
AN ACT to amend Tennessee Code Annotated, Title 36,
Chapter 6, Part 1, relative to equal parenting.
BE IT ENACTED BY THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF TENNESSEE:
SECTION 1. Tennessee Code Annotated, Section 36-6-101, is amended by deleting
subdivision (a)(2)(A)(i) in its entirety and substituting instead the following:
(i) Except as provided in this subdivision (a)(2)(A), the court shall have the widest
discretion to order a custody arrangement that is in the best interest of the child. At any
hearing to determine custody of a minor child, the court shall order that the child get
equal time with each of the child's parents unless the court finds by clear and convincing
evidence that one (1) or both of the parents are unfit to care for the child. This section
shall not be construed to prohibit both fit parents from voluntarily entering into a
parenting plan that does not give the child equal time with each parent. This section
shall not be construed to prohibit the court from giving the child less than equal time with
a parent that does not seek equal time with the child. For the purpose of assisting the
court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the
court may direct that an investigation be conducted.
SECTION 2. This act shall take effect July 1, 2010, the public welfare requiring it.
Of course I noticed the words "best interests of the children" mentioned in this bill and most states have a "best interests of the children" doctrine, but fail to follow it.
I think shared custody, in it's theory, is the best possible solution for children, but unfortunately the model is flawed. I believe in only a handful of cases, that shared custody would actually work and could have a positive affect on the children. These cases would be the ones were the two parents part ways, but place the well being of their children above their own and get on with their own lives without involving the children in games. Unfortunately this does not happen often enough. Children become a bargaining chip in divorce, along with material possessions to divide.
In an ideal model, children would be allowed to live in the same home they have been raised in and attend the school they have attended for years. The friendships they have made would not be broken because they have to move or change schools. The parents would live in the same town, so they could attend school functions, help with homework or take the child for a special treat after school, such as the park or the movies. Perhaps one parent works later into the evening and the other parent does not. The child could spend time with both parents on a daily basis, by always having a parent available after school. What could result from that is that parents would make the most of their time with their children and the children may actually get more and better quality time with both parents.
In this bill it states: "the court shall order that the child get
equal time with each of the child's parents unless the court finds by clear and convincing
evidence that one (1) or both of the parents are unfit to care for the child." and "For the purpose of assisting the
court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the
court may direct that an investigation be conducted."
In cases of parental alienation, false allegations of abuse are made more often than not. Allegations of drug and alcohol abuse are also made. These are the things that can deem a parent unfit and to lose their parenting rights. The second statement is very backwards though. For the purpose of assisting the court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the court may direct an investigation be conducted. Let me ask you....how did the court determine that a parent was unfit without an investigation? If a parent is deemed unfit based on false allegations, then this bill only fails the children that it claims it wants to protect.
I found this quote about false accusations and find that it is so true. When one person makes an accusation, check to be sure he himself is not the guilty one. Sometimes it is those whose case is weak who make the most clamor.
Shared custody would be in the best interests of the children. The children did not divorce their parents, but they are the ones that loses a parent who loves them. Shared custody could work, if the two divorcing parents could be adults and actually place their children first.
What are your thoughts?
Parental Alienation is ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!
This is how HB 2916 reads:
HOUSE BILL 2916
By Bell
AN ACT to amend Tennessee Code Annotated, Title 36,
Chapter 6, Part 1, relative to equal parenting.
BE IT ENACTED BY THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF THE STATE OF TENNESSEE:
SECTION 1. Tennessee Code Annotated, Section 36-6-101, is amended by deleting
subdivision (a)(2)(A)(i) in its entirety and substituting instead the following:
(i) Except as provided in this subdivision (a)(2)(A), the court shall have the widest
discretion to order a custody arrangement that is in the best interest of the child. At any
hearing to determine custody of a minor child, the court shall order that the child get
equal time with each of the child's parents unless the court finds by clear and convincing
evidence that one (1) or both of the parents are unfit to care for the child. This section
shall not be construed to prohibit both fit parents from voluntarily entering into a
parenting plan that does not give the child equal time with each parent. This section
shall not be construed to prohibit the court from giving the child less than equal time with
a parent that does not seek equal time with the child. For the purpose of assisting the
court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the
court may direct that an investigation be conducted.
SECTION 2. This act shall take effect July 1, 2010, the public welfare requiring it.
Of course I noticed the words "best interests of the children" mentioned in this bill and most states have a "best interests of the children" doctrine, but fail to follow it.
I think shared custody, in it's theory, is the best possible solution for children, but unfortunately the model is flawed. I believe in only a handful of cases, that shared custody would actually work and could have a positive affect on the children. These cases would be the ones were the two parents part ways, but place the well being of their children above their own and get on with their own lives without involving the children in games. Unfortunately this does not happen often enough. Children become a bargaining chip in divorce, along with material possessions to divide.
In an ideal model, children would be allowed to live in the same home they have been raised in and attend the school they have attended for years. The friendships they have made would not be broken because they have to move or change schools. The parents would live in the same town, so they could attend school functions, help with homework or take the child for a special treat after school, such as the park or the movies. Perhaps one parent works later into the evening and the other parent does not. The child could spend time with both parents on a daily basis, by always having a parent available after school. What could result from that is that parents would make the most of their time with their children and the children may actually get more and better quality time with both parents.
In this bill it states: "the court shall order that the child get
equal time with each of the child's parents unless the court finds by clear and convincing
evidence that one (1) or both of the parents are unfit to care for the child." and "For the purpose of assisting the
court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the
court may direct that an investigation be conducted."
In cases of parental alienation, false allegations of abuse are made more often than not. Allegations of drug and alcohol abuse are also made. These are the things that can deem a parent unfit and to lose their parenting rights. The second statement is very backwards though. For the purpose of assisting the court in making a custody determination when a parent has been proven to be unfit, the court may direct an investigation be conducted. Let me ask you....how did the court determine that a parent was unfit without an investigation? If a parent is deemed unfit based on false allegations, then this bill only fails the children that it claims it wants to protect.
I found this quote about false accusations and find that it is so true. When one person makes an accusation, check to be sure he himself is not the guilty one. Sometimes it is those whose case is weak who make the most clamor.
Shared custody would be in the best interests of the children. The children did not divorce their parents, but they are the ones that loses a parent who loves them. Shared custody could work, if the two divorcing parents could be adults and actually place their children first.
What are your thoughts?
Parental Alienation is ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!
Saturday, March 06, 2010
My case
As I stated in my previous post, I have had some obligations. My first obligation is to myself to make sure I am healthy. I have to be able to deal physically, emotionally, mentality and spiritually with coming to my own terms about parental alienation. I do not do well in all avenues, but I have never given up hope and faith that maybe one day things will change. I do not care if you do not believe in God, but I think you have faith in a higher power than you. This blog was never meant to spread a religious belief, but I will write of faith and hope. I will also post links, videos and sayings of what one can call religious beliefs. This is not about my own beliefs pertaining to religion or lack of, but my own thoughts, ideas and experiences in dealing with parental alienation. I find things that mean something to me and I post it.
I am a bit hesitant to write my next lines, because I did nothing out of the ordinary and I have no magic or iron clad answer to your situation. I am also sad to write my next lines because I know, many wish they could have this as well.
So here it goes......
I have been able to reconnect with my son. We talk on the phone, I go to see him for about an hour, he has come here a few times to see me. OK, He comes here to see a friend and stays at my house, but I get the benefit of seeing him. Maybe reconnect is a bit much to say, but I have been able to see him because he and I want that.
It has not been easy nor a sigh of relief. I still contend with his dad's control.
What I have realized, or so I think, is that my son so much wanted a relationship with his dad that he was willing to do anything to have that. That is where parental alienation came into play. I did not deny him his dad, but his dad said I did. Gosh, sounding like my prior post, but sad to say his dad did not do what he had to, to have the relationship with his son and I payed the price. Not sure how to post because I sound bad. His dad had every other weekend, had a day through the week, had two weeks in the summer. His dad took every other weekend, never was there, did not do the through the week, and I gave him the summers and asked for two weeks with my son. You know what? Water under the bridge.
I became a target when my son turned 14 years old, because the "law" states here that a child has a say at that age. Come to realize, all my son had to say was he wanted to live with the other parent. Instead it became I was the bitch from hell. The "law" also states a change in circumstances, but little did I know that change was the desire of my son wanting to live elsewhere. Instead that change became allegations of abuse and more.
Yes, I sounded bitter in the last bit. Yes I am. That is what I am working through.
Bottom line: I get to talk with my son, I get to see him. I am working on this. Cost: Priceless!
I am a bit hesitant to write my next lines, because I did nothing out of the ordinary and I have no magic or iron clad answer to your situation. I am also sad to write my next lines because I know, many wish they could have this as well.
So here it goes......
I have been able to reconnect with my son. We talk on the phone, I go to see him for about an hour, he has come here a few times to see me. OK, He comes here to see a friend and stays at my house, but I get the benefit of seeing him. Maybe reconnect is a bit much to say, but I have been able to see him because he and I want that.
It has not been easy nor a sigh of relief. I still contend with his dad's control.
What I have realized, or so I think, is that my son so much wanted a relationship with his dad that he was willing to do anything to have that. That is where parental alienation came into play. I did not deny him his dad, but his dad said I did. Gosh, sounding like my prior post, but sad to say his dad did not do what he had to, to have the relationship with his son and I payed the price. Not sure how to post because I sound bad. His dad had every other weekend, had a day through the week, had two weeks in the summer. His dad took every other weekend, never was there, did not do the through the week, and I gave him the summers and asked for two weeks with my son. You know what? Water under the bridge.
I became a target when my son turned 14 years old, because the "law" states here that a child has a say at that age. Come to realize, all my son had to say was he wanted to live with the other parent. Instead it became I was the bitch from hell. The "law" also states a change in circumstances, but little did I know that change was the desire of my son wanting to live elsewhere. Instead that change became allegations of abuse and more.
Yes, I sounded bitter in the last bit. Yes I am. That is what I am working through.
Bottom line: I get to talk with my son, I get to see him. I am working on this. Cost: Priceless!
My thoughts for the day
First of all, I need to apologize for my absence in keeping this blog up to date. It is not for lack of ideas and thoughts to write about, but my poor time management into organizing constructive posts. I also have had other obligations that have taken precedence. I will touch on those later, hopefully today.
Through my own experiences with parental alienation and with listening with other people's experiences, I seem to have become either very hypersensitive to many things that people say and do. Am I just angry that I am a target parent, or am I on to something? I would suspect a bit of both. We have interactions with people on a daily basis. Some of those interactions are pleasant and others not. Some people have a bad day and complain about what is bothering them and others complain about every little thing. Then there are those that explain in detail about their bad marriage and custody fight that took place 20 or more years ago. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of hearing how he beat her up and was mean. I got the message the first 10 times you told that story. That is the type of person I am talking about. The one that can not let go, has to keep telling you the "story" over and over. The one that "knows" that the new person someone is dating is just like her ex, she knows the type and more. Then the next thing you know, everyone is convinced that the new friend is a stalker, a possible kidnapper and obviously up to no good. What I am trying to illustrate is that one person can convince others that something sinister is taking place. Their concern and own ideas convince others of something that is not even taking place.
When one hears the term parental alienation or custodial interference, many do not understand or if they think they do, just pass it off as a phase. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me "it's just a phase" that my son was going through, I could be rich. Well, I am not rich and it was not a phase, but no one seemed to care, except those very close to me and others that actually understood and experienced parental alienation first hand.
Parental alienation is abuse....it is made up stories to make the other parent look good to the courts, to their friends and to hopefully win them custody. Unfortunately, the courts do not take this seriously, or if they do, many times their hands are tied. If there are laws regarding parenting time, the laws are not enforced. If they are enforced, the punishment is lax. Therefore the cycle continues and the courts and judges fail to recognize this as abuse.
Until parental alienation, custodial interference and parenting time interference are recognized as abuse, then nothing will change.
Parental Alienation is ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!
Through my own experiences with parental alienation and with listening with other people's experiences, I seem to have become either very hypersensitive to many things that people say and do. Am I just angry that I am a target parent, or am I on to something? I would suspect a bit of both. We have interactions with people on a daily basis. Some of those interactions are pleasant and others not. Some people have a bad day and complain about what is bothering them and others complain about every little thing. Then there are those that explain in detail about their bad marriage and custody fight that took place 20 or more years ago. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of hearing how he beat her up and was mean. I got the message the first 10 times you told that story. That is the type of person I am talking about. The one that can not let go, has to keep telling you the "story" over and over. The one that "knows" that the new person someone is dating is just like her ex, she knows the type and more. Then the next thing you know, everyone is convinced that the new friend is a stalker, a possible kidnapper and obviously up to no good. What I am trying to illustrate is that one person can convince others that something sinister is taking place. Their concern and own ideas convince others of something that is not even taking place.
When one hears the term parental alienation or custodial interference, many do not understand or if they think they do, just pass it off as a phase. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me "it's just a phase" that my son was going through, I could be rich. Well, I am not rich and it was not a phase, but no one seemed to care, except those very close to me and others that actually understood and experienced parental alienation first hand.
Parental alienation is abuse....it is made up stories to make the other parent look good to the courts, to their friends and to hopefully win them custody. Unfortunately, the courts do not take this seriously, or if they do, many times their hands are tied. If there are laws regarding parenting time, the laws are not enforced. If they are enforced, the punishment is lax. Therefore the cycle continues and the courts and judges fail to recognize this as abuse.
Until parental alienation, custodial interference and parenting time interference are recognized as abuse, then nothing will change.
Parental Alienation is ABUSE! STOP THE ABUSE!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
A break from parental alienation.....Haiti
By now, I am sure everyone is aware of the tragedy in Haiti. A 7.0 earthquake struck in Haiti on Tuesday January 12, 2010, 16 miles west of Port-au-Prince, Haiti...the capital of Haiti. Most hospitals were damaged in this quake. The death toll is undetermined at this time, but it most likely will surpass 100 thousand people. A number of public figures died in the earthquake, including government officials, clergy members, musicians, and foreign civilian and military personnel working with the United Nations. The devestation is unimaginable.
Haiti is a third world country and most of us could not imagine the living conditions prior to this earthquake. Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere with 80% of the population living under the poverty line and 54% in abject poverty.
There are numerous ways to help and I would suggest checking out any organization before you send donations. I have copied and pasted a few ways to donate as well as sites that list the organizations. Also please be careful if you searching online for ways to donate. I have found sites that are scams and they intend to download malware to your computer.
The following organizations are accepting SMS donations in the US only:
•Mercy Corps is sending a team of emergency responders to assess damage, and seek to fulfill immediate needs of quake survivors. The agency aided families after earthquakes in Peru in 2007, China and Pakistan in 2008, and Indonesia last year. Donate online, call 1-888-256-1900 or send checks to Mercy Corps Haiti Earthquake Fund; Dept NR; PO Box 2669; Portland, OR 97208.
Haiti is a third world country and most of us could not imagine the living conditions prior to this earthquake. Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere with 80% of the population living under the poverty line and 54% in abject poverty.
There are numerous ways to help and I would suggest checking out any organization before you send donations. I have copied and pasted a few ways to donate as well as sites that list the organizations. Also please be careful if you searching online for ways to donate. I have found sites that are scams and they intend to download malware to your computer.
The following organizations are accepting SMS donations in the US only:
- SMS text “HAITI” to 90999 to donate $10 to Red Cross relief efforts
- SMS text “YELE” to 501501 to Donate $5 to Yele Haiti’s Earthquake Relief efforts
- SMS text "GIVE10" to 20222 to donate $10 to Direct Relief
•Mercy Corps is sending a team of emergency responders to assess damage, and seek to fulfill immediate needs of quake survivors. The agency aided families after earthquakes in Peru in 2007, China and Pakistan in 2008, and Indonesia last year. Donate online, call 1-888-256-1900 or send checks to Mercy Corps Haiti Earthquake Fund; Dept NR; PO Box 2669; Portland, OR 97208.
- Action Against Hunger, 877-777-1420
- Agape Flights, 941-584-8078
- American Red Cross, 800-733-2767
- American Refugee Committee, 800-875-7060
- American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee, 212-687-6200
- American Jewish World Service, 212-792-2900
- AmeriCares, 800-486-4357
- Beyond Borders, 866-424-8403
- B'nai B'rith International, 202-857-6600
- CARE, 800-521-2273
- Catholic Relief Services, 800-736-3467
- Childcare Worldwide, 800-553-2328
- Church World Services, 800-297-1516
- Clinton Foundation, 501-748-0471
Text "HAITI" to 20222 to donate $10 to Haiti relief - Concern Worldwide, 212-557-8000
- Convoy of Hope, 417-823-8998
- Cross International, 800-391-8545
- CRUDEM Foundation, 413-642-0450
- CRWRC, 800-55-CRWRC
- Direct Relief International, 805-964-4767
- Doctors Without Borders, 888-392-0392
- Episcopal Relief and Development, 800-334-7626
- Feed My Starving Children, 763-504-2919
- Food for the Poor, 800-427-9104
- Friends of WFP, 866-929-1694
- Friends of the Orphans, 312-386-7499
- Habitat for Humanity, 1-800-422-4828
- Haiti Children, 877-424-8454
- Haiti Marycare, 203-675-4770
- Haitian Health Foundation, 860-886-4357
- Healing Hands for Haiti, 651-769-5846
- Hope for Haiti, 239-434-7183
- International Child Care, 800-722-4453
- International Medical Corps, 800-481-4462
- International Rescue Committee, 877-733-8433
- International Relief Teams, 619-284-7979
- Islamic Relief USA, 888-479-4968
- Lions Club International Foundation, 630-203-3836
- Lutheran World Relief, 800-597-5972
- Medical Benevolence Foundation, 800-547-7627
- Medical Teams International, 800-959-4325
- Meds and Food for Kids, 314-420-1634
- Mennonite Central Committee, 888-563-4676
- Mercy Corps, 888-256-1900
- Nazarene Compassionate Ministries, 800-306-9950
- New Life for Haiti, 815-436-7633
- Operation Blessing, 800-730-2537
- Operation USA, 800-678-7255
- Oxfam, 800-776-9326
- Partners in Health, 617-432-5298
- RHEMA International, 248-652-9894
- Rural Haiti Project, 347-405-5552
- Samaritan's Purse, 828-262-1980
- Save the Children, 800-728-3843
- UNICEF, 800-367-5437
- United Methodist Committee on Relief, 800-554-8583
- World Concern, 800-755-5022
- World Hope International, 888-466-4673
- World Relief, 800-535-5433
- World Vision, 888-511-6548
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