2008 was not so great.
It was filled with hate.
I hope that 2009
will be a better time.
Well that was my lame attempt at my so called "poetry". As I reflect back over the past year, I have to say that 2008 was not so great. The major story seems to be the economic problems, which has affected everyone I know.
There have been other stories as well and for target parents everywhere, their story has not changed. I am sure there are some more positive stories where parental alienation is concerned. Perhaps you are a parent that has been able to have some contact and that is great. In fact, I know of a father that did not contact with his son for over 15 years and during Christmas, he was able to see him and talk with him for the first time. I cried for him when I heard this. To those that have no idea of the heartbreak and sense of loss, you can not imagine the emotional roller coaster that target parents ride. I hope for him that this relationship will continue to grow and that he feels a sense of relief.
For the target parents that still have no contact, please do not ever give up hope and keep trying. Keep sending your letters, e-mails, text messages and other means of contact. You may not get a reply or you may get a nasty and negative reply. Do not let that deter you. Realize that those nasty and negative replies may not be what your son or daughter wants to relay to you, but remember that they are still being guided by the alienating parent. The alienating parent may be sending these messages electronically posing as the child. If you stop your contact, the alienating parent is still controlling your child and you. Your son or daughter may even call you and demand that you stop, but that alienating parent may be standing over them commanding that they say this. All research indicates that target parents who successfully reunited with their children did so because they would not give up. Don't give up!
As this year ends and a new one begins, I hope that 2009 will see changes where family law is concerned. Let's make 2009 the year of the child. The year where no child will ever have to pick one parent over the other. The year where no child will have to suffer the loss of a parent who loves them. The year where no child will have to subjected to this type of abuse again.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Christmas without my son
What was supposed to be a holly jolly time filled with lots of family, food, music and festivities was a very quiet time for me. I did celebrate with someone I love, but my son was missing.
It has been a difficult time for me since Thanksgiving, which seems to mark the start of the holiday season. I did not want to put up a Christmas tree nor decorate the home. I finally relented and did some basic decorating. I thought perhaps that would help me get into the spirit of Christmas. It really did not help. I now have a tree with some unwrapped gifts under it and a stocking hanging on the mantle that is filled. I still am holding out hope that maybe God will answer my prayer and my son will come home for Christmas. If not, I will place the gifts in his room and they will sit there until the day he decides to come home.
For many parents that are separated from their children because of parental alienation, their Christmas can also be a very difficult time. It is difficult being with other family members and watching their children. It brings back memories of the better times and it also reminds them of what they are missing. I know the solitude is difficult.
My wish for the New Year is that no other child will never be made to "hate" their parent, will never have to choose one parent over the other and will never feel sad because they cannot spend time with both parents. The laws can change and must change.
Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the ABUSE!
It has been a difficult time for me since Thanksgiving, which seems to mark the start of the holiday season. I did not want to put up a Christmas tree nor decorate the home. I finally relented and did some basic decorating. I thought perhaps that would help me get into the spirit of Christmas. It really did not help. I now have a tree with some unwrapped gifts under it and a stocking hanging on the mantle that is filled. I still am holding out hope that maybe God will answer my prayer and my son will come home for Christmas. If not, I will place the gifts in his room and they will sit there until the day he decides to come home.
For many parents that are separated from their children because of parental alienation, their Christmas can also be a very difficult time. It is difficult being with other family members and watching their children. It brings back memories of the better times and it also reminds them of what they are missing. I know the solitude is difficult.
My wish for the New Year is that no other child will never be made to "hate" their parent, will never have to choose one parent over the other and will never feel sad because they cannot spend time with both parents. The laws can change and must change.
Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the ABUSE!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
No Child should have to experience this
WARNING: This video should tear at your heartstrings. It is rather long, but it tells a story, one that is not heard in the courts nor one that is not punished via the courts. Can we allow this continue? I urge you to watch this.
Children are in the crossfire in custody cases. Both parents should want to be part of their children's lives, but when one parent wants to punish the other parent, they use their children as pawns. Children get sick and both were able to care for the child before, but now only one parent is the so called "capable" parent. Children get grounded, but that should not mean they are grounded from parenting time with the other parent. Children should not be told that they will have a new and better daddy or mommy, they have them already. Children should not be told that they don't need the other parent anymore. Children should not be told they have to remember what they ate while at the other parent's home for fear that allegations will be made that were not fed. Alienating parents should not call their children several times a day while the other parent has parenting time, "just to check in". These tactics are used by alienating parents to coerce, brainwash and push their children into submission. These are cult like techniques. Alienating parent's hatred knows no bounds. The most severe will reuslt in allegations of domestic abuse, physical and sexual abuse of a child.
Although this video was made by a father, realize this video could have been made by a mother as well. Parental alienation knows no boundaries, it does not discriminate based on gender, race, or socioeconomic class.
Thank you to the father that made this video. My heart goes out to you, whomever you are. Let this video be a testament that no other child should ever have to experience this abuse by the hands of the alienating parent.
Alienated children need a voice, one that is not heard in the courts. Please, I beg of you, if you know of a child being alienated from their parent, BE THAT VOICE!
Stop this abuse of children! Parental alienation is abuse. Stop the abuse!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Let them be Little
I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand.
You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.
How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.
So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give 'em hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
I never felt so much in one little tender touch.
I live for those kisses, your prayers an' your wishes.
An' now you're teachin' me how only a child can see.
Tonight, while we're on our knees, all I ask is:
Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
The so innocent, precious soul:
You turn around, an' it's time to let them go.
So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give 'em praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let them sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
Let them be little.
Oh alienating parents why can't you let them be little? They grow up so fast. Let this child decide on their own if they want contact with the other parent without your interferences. Let them have their innocence!
Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the Abuse!
Domestic Violence and Parental Alienation...are the two related?
My post today may likely ruffle some feathers. Since I have experienced both, I thought I would write my thoughts about it.
Domestic violence is about control. Parental alienation is about control. I do not think you will find a parent accused of parental alienation that does not have some control issues. I am not talking about the normal issues that come about in a marriage and a compromise is reached, but the attitude of "my way or the highway" attitude.
A spouse who uses domestic violence as a way to control, uses the "my way or the highway attitude." A parent who alienates a child against the other parent utilizes the same tactics. Although that parent may not tell the child "my way or the highway", their actions speak volumes.
In my case, my ex was a charming, loving and giving man....at times. At other times, I thought I knew what I had to do and usually that was wrong. If I was not punished by words which included verbal berating and jokes at my expense, I was punished by what I called the "silent treatment". The silent treatment was the worse, because I could ask what was wrong and would get a glaring blank stare in return. This made me think about the past week or day. It was mind control. If these actions did not make me "act" the way he wished, I was physically punished. I constantly walked on eggshells, never knowing when, where or how I "caused" myself to be subject to his tirades. I lived in a world of trying to do right and attempting to learn from my so called past mistakes. What was right yesterday was not right today.
The thing about domestic violence is that one person controls the other through ways of mind control and physical control. They wear you down physically and emotionally. Domestic violence can also be more sinister in that lives are lost as well. I think one common theme is that the abuser in domestic violence is manipulative, cunning, and deceitful. They shift blame and twist facts, many times rather convincingly. This brings me back to my previous posts about a narcissist and a psychopath.
One may ask how I stayed or even married such a person. What one must realize about these narcissists is that they are masters at their game. If every person bolted from a relationship based on any small infraction, you may not find the person that you are very happily married to today. That is called compromise. Those relationships are based on give and take. I was lead to believe that I had the problem and I needed to change. If I can make one statement today I would like to say that you should never ridicule a person that was in this type of relationship. Men and women, both, can be victims of domestic violence.
So how does parental alienation fit into this? PA is an extension of the control by the abuser. You divorced me and I cannot control you anymore in our home, extends to I still can control you through our children.
There is nothing that can hurt a parent more than not being able to be part of our children's lives. Abusers know this and use this to their advantage. They will either twist parental alienation as an "excuse" for them not being able to see their children and have you accused of parental alienation, or they will employ the same tactics on the child as they used on you so you are not part of that child's life.
So are domestic violence and parental alienation related? I say they are as they are tactics used to control and hurt a person.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Does New Jersey understand Parental Alienation?
Finally! Finally it seems that at least one State recognizes a problem that has been occurring for decades and finally it seems that there could be some remedy through the judicial system.
Let me state this, there is no monetary award that could be given to target parents that will ever make up for the lost parenting time and destroyed relationship with their children.!
In cases of parental alienation the alienating parent uses the court to legally harass and abuse the target parent. They know the courts will do nothing. Every false claim made by the alienating parent results in cost to the target parent; financially, emotionally and physically. Target parents cannot seek relief for these actions. The alienating parent does not care and seems to have a bottomless wallet or purse. The alienating parent knows that custody will not be taken from them as well.
Parental Alienation is a major problem in child custody cases. One parent must not be allowed to purposely destroy the relationship of their child with the other parent. Parental alienation must be recognized and a tort must be allowed to provide relief.
In this article A NJ COURT DETERMINES THAT A CAUSE OF ACTION FOR PARENTAL ALIENATION EXISTS a Judge in Hudson County "recognized that parents in NJ may have a right to collect damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress when their relationships with their children are poisoned by former spouses or even grandparents who partake in alienating behaviors. "
Kudos to this Judge! I would like to see this adopted worldwide!
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Let me state this, there is no monetary award that could be given to target parents that will ever make up for the lost parenting time and destroyed relationship with their children.!
In cases of parental alienation the alienating parent uses the court to legally harass and abuse the target parent. They know the courts will do nothing. Every false claim made by the alienating parent results in cost to the target parent; financially, emotionally and physically. Target parents cannot seek relief for these actions. The alienating parent does not care and seems to have a bottomless wallet or purse. The alienating parent knows that custody will not be taken from them as well.
Parental Alienation is a major problem in child custody cases. One parent must not be allowed to purposely destroy the relationship of their child with the other parent. Parental alienation must be recognized and a tort must be allowed to provide relief.
In this article A NJ COURT DETERMINES THAT A CAUSE OF ACTION FOR PARENTAL ALIENATION EXISTS a Judge in Hudson County "recognized that parents in NJ may have a right to collect damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress when their relationships with their children are poisoned by former spouses or even grandparents who partake in alienating behaviors. "
Kudos to this Judge! I would like to see this adopted worldwide!
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My Christmas Wish List
Dear Santa,
I know this letter will get to you a bit later than you you wish, but quite frankly I have not been in the Christmas spirit. I am not sure if you can bring me everything I would like, but I appreciate you trying.
I have not seen my son for some time and would really love to be able to see him during the Christmas holiday. Perhaps, you could pick him up when you deliver gifts there and bring him along in your sleigh. That sure would be nice and if you can accomplish this, you do not have to bring me anything else.
I would like some thick thermal or soft fleece shirts because I wear them to work. Other than that I don't need anything else. Well, I could use some money but I don't think the elves do that.
If you are able to pick up my son, would you drop off some books about parental alienation for his dad. I don't know if it would help, but maybe he does not realize what he is doing to our child. You can even order them on this site!
I hope all is well in the North Pole and that you have a safe trip.
Love,
Alienated Mom
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Attempting to get into the Christmas Spirit!
As I attempt to get into the Christmas Spirit, enjoy this video.
It is difficult when the holidays come around for target parents. For me, the holidays were a big time at my home, decorations, a tree, special holiday baking and treats. I loved the look, the madness of trying to make it special, but most of all I loved and cherished the look on my son's face. I loved the magic that Christmas meant to him and it was more than gifts, it was giving.
So don't feel sorry for me or other target parents, feel sorry for the children that are missing that special touch that was done for them by the parent that they cannot see this Christmas.
The lyrics to the song
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
A play about Parental Alienation
If you live in the New York City area then you should see this rock opera about a story all to familiar in many custody cases. It is a emotional tale about parental alienation. If you are a target parent or you know a target parent then you should see this. The sad fact is that another parent and child will become victims of parental alienation today. It will show on Fridays, starting December 12th 2008 at 10:30pm at 45 Bleecker St. New York City.
Here is the story line about this play from the website: http://www.madmen-and-dreamers.com/CofCStory.html
To see a performance, please check here
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Monday, December 08, 2008
48 hrs mystery story
Here is a story posted on the CBS 48 hours mystery series called "Secrets From The Grave" and was posted Aug. 19, 2006. Although I do not recall seeing the words parental alienation used in this story, it does not take long to hear those ringing bells and see the red flags suggesting so. A manipulative woman got a divorce from her husband without his knowledge and then accused him of abuse against their child. Sound familiar? Again a parent used the system and destroyed a family and the child is the one who suffers.
It is a story about a man named Bill Flint who met his wife Cassandra in 1988 and they married a few months later. They had one child, referred to as "Jane" in the story and she was the light of his life. Shortly after "Jane" was born, their marriage started to have problems and they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In 1993, Bill Flint learned that he was divorced. He found out when the sheriff showed up at his door to escort him off the property. It seems that his wife pursued a divorce without anyone knowing it and was able to obtain it as well. Since he was not present at his own divorce hearing, the one that he had no knowledge of, he ended up paying dearly. He would find that he was accused by his ex wife of molesting his daughter and the judge believed her, which lead to supervised visits with his daughter. When he was found not guilty of the abuse charges he decided he would fight for custody of his daughter. This would eventually cost him his life.
What causes a parent to hate and despise their spouse so much that they would deprive their own child a parent that helped bring the child into the world? This is not normal behavior and sadly these stories play over and over again.
When a parent denies their child access to the other parent and tells their child that the other parent is bad and they hate the other parent, they are sending the message to the child that they hate half of their child.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
It is a story about a man named Bill Flint who met his wife Cassandra in 1988 and they married a few months later. They had one child, referred to as "Jane" in the story and she was the light of his life. Shortly after "Jane" was born, their marriage started to have problems and they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In 1993, Bill Flint learned that he was divorced. He found out when the sheriff showed up at his door to escort him off the property. It seems that his wife pursued a divorce without anyone knowing it and was able to obtain it as well. Since he was not present at his own divorce hearing, the one that he had no knowledge of, he ended up paying dearly. He would find that he was accused by his ex wife of molesting his daughter and the judge believed her, which lead to supervised visits with his daughter. When he was found not guilty of the abuse charges he decided he would fight for custody of his daughter. This would eventually cost him his life.
What causes a parent to hate and despise their spouse so much that they would deprive their own child a parent that helped bring the child into the world? This is not normal behavior and sadly these stories play over and over again.
When a parent denies their child access to the other parent and tells their child that the other parent is bad and they hate the other parent, they are sending the message to the child that they hate half of their child.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Hope...something to believe in
I have been asked if I have "hope" that my child will eventually return to me and my answer is always yes. I have to believe that. In this quest to post this, I came across this video by the band Poison titled "Something to Believe In" The lyrics are somewhat controversial, but what I heard was "give me something to believe in."
Hope is connected to staying inspired and that is what target parents have to do. We have to stay inspired to continue contact even though it is not returned. We have to send letters and gifts, make phone calls and send the emails even though they may be intercepted, destroyed or given to our child without the child knowing they came from us.
From what I have read approximately 95 percent of alienated children do reconcile. When, I can not answer, but this also happened because the target parent refused to go away. Keep the hope, faith and inspiration that there could be a reconciliation. Until then find something to believe in. ...HOPE
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
The Anna Mae He Custody Case....Was there Parental Alienation?
The custody case of AMH made national headlines and if you have not heard about it, all I can suggest is to go ahead and google it. You will find several articles written about it. Some support the He's, Anna Mae's natural or birth parents and others support the Baker's, the foster parents. Whatever your opinion is about this case, it was a case fraught with accusations, tensions and a very lengthy legal battle over who should be allowed to care for Anna Mae.
I do not know either family and have no personal experience with either of them. All I "know" is what was written in the media, which I think slants articles and persuades the public right or wrong when needed. The case was presented as the He's, a Chinese family attempting to make their way in America, had a baby girl who was premature. Jack He, the father, was fighting his own legal battles and they needed help. According to written articles they placed Anna in foster care until they could get on their feet financially. This was to be temporary and later I read until Anna reached the age of 18. This sounded odd to me, but I also had to remember that there is a language barrier as well. I wish not to argue whether the He's could speak and write in English or understand, but what concerns me is the legalese that is used. I speak English and was brought up in the US and for the life of me, I can not always understand the legal wording of documents.
As I would read the stories presented in the media, I did not feel inclined either way towards which family would be best for Anna. The media painted a picture though. The Bakers were wealthier than the He's and could provide more for Anna. That does not make them better parents. From one news media article they print: "The Bakers live in a five-bedroom, 4,800-square-foot home in the Davies Plantation area east of town. Their $414,000 house sits on more than an acre of rolling Tennessee hills. There are colorful play sets in the well-groomed backyard. Inside there is a media room with surround sound and a 53-inch TV, a Jacuzzi and a central vacuum system." I think, "who cares?" Obviously the media and the courts care. In the same article this is printed: "The Bakers began caring for Anna Mae on Feb. 23, 1999, and the Hes say they visited their daughter at least once a week. When the three months ended, they still were not able to care for Anna Mae. Mid-South Christian Services could no longer handle their case because the agency's supervision is limited to 90 days in temporary custody cases. So the two couples negotiated the next step on their own." And this: "Over the next year, the Hes say they continued to visit Anna Mae and told the Bakers they wanted her back. They say Jerry Baker asked that the arrangements stay in place until his then-pregnant wife gave birth to her own child." and this: "But the Bakers say in court documents that the Hes abandoned Anna Mae by not visiting enough and failing to pay child support. For the past year, the Bakers have refused the Hes' official requests to give Anna Mae back. Last month, the Bakers insisted, through Parrish, that Mister He take a DNA test to prove that he was Anna Mae's father. The test proved that he is."
In another news media article this was written: "But things only got worse for the struggling couple. In April 1999, a month before their custody was to end, He was arrested in the sexual assault case. The Bakers agreed to continue caring for Anna Mae—but only if they were named the child's guardians, which would give them full parental rights. The Hes agreed, they say, but without realizing the agreement could only be reversed by court order. "If we had known that by signing custody to the Bakers we would end up in court, facing termination of parental rights, we never would have signed it," says Jack, who now works at a Chinese restaurant. The Hes visited Anna Mae some 80 times before tensions flared. "The more Jack and Casey wanted to visit their daughter," says one of their pro bono attorneys, David Siegel, "the greater resistance they received from the Bakers." (As evidence, Siegel points to a journal that Louise kept.) In April 2000 and April 2001 the Hes petitioned to regain custody of Anna Mae but were turned down because of their unresolved legal problems. Then, on Jan.28, 2001, Anna Mae's second birthday, the Bakers denied the Hes' request to take their daughter for a family portrait, saying she was ill. The Hes refused to leave without her, prompting the Bakers to call the police. Intimidated, the Hes, who say they feared they would be arrested, didn't try to visit for a period of four months—which may constitute legal abandonment in Tennessee—and the Bakers went to court seeking to terminate the Hes' parental rights and formally adopt Anna Mae. Once, while shopping last December, the Hes happened to spot Anna Mae, who was with two of the Bakers' daughters, Hope and Aimee. According to Hope, 18, Casey put her hands on Anna Mae and screamed, "That's my baby!" Such incidents fuel the Bakers' contention that the Hes are emotionally unstable."
As I stated before, I do not know either family, have never met them and know nothing about the case, except for what was written in the media and from reading some court documents. I do have some concerns though. At first I was slanted towards the Baker's as they obviously could provide a better home and environment for Anna Mae. By all media accounts she seemed to be doing well with the Baker's as well. The He's were painted very poorly as well, as Jack He had some accusations against him and seemed to have some financial difficulties and the perception that the Chinese only want male children. I believe this was carefully depicted by the media slant on the story.
A few things I found from reading court documents was that Louise Baker was born in 1961. This should make her 47 years old. In 1989 she underwent a tubal ligation after the birth of their third child. If my math is correct, this should make this child 19 years old. In 1998, (this would make Mrs. Baker 37 yrs old) the Baker's decided they wanted another child and Mrs. Baker underwent a reversal of her tubal ligation. The Bakers considered adopting a child, but they wanted to try to have a child of their own first. The Bakers previously submitted a “Foster Home Application” to Mid-South in 1997. In response to the question “Why are you interested in providing a foster home?” on the application, the Bakers responded by stating, in relevant part, that they “were first interested in adoption of a newborn, but thought we would try foster care of newborns for a couple of years.”According to Mrs. Baker, they were considering adoption, and serving as foster parents allowed them to decide if adoption was something they wanted to pursue. After submitting their application, the Bakers began serving as foster parents for Mid-South. I also believe that the Baker's did have another child as well, because news reports state that they had a daughter born the year after they took in Anna Mae.
What concerns me and bothers me about this case is that from media reports this case did not present like a foster family wanting to adopt a child, but a custody case when the issue of custody was not a point. Mrs. Baker kept a notebook detailing visits, dates, time, length of stay and gifts brought for Anna Mae. In one article this was stated: "The Hes continued to visit Anna Mae regularly for about an hour a week. Louise Baker began to keep a diary in which she documented the Hes' visits to Anna Mae, writing down when the visits were, how long they lasted, how the Hes interacted with Anna Mae, and what gifts they gave her. In October 1999, friction began when the Hes wanted to take Anna Mae out of the Bakers' home and the Bakers refused. Louise Baker wrote "We would like to get visits to every other week. We feel like they would wean away, but the last 2 visits we could see Casey is wanting to come more." In November 1999, Jack He told Jerry Baker they wanted to regain custody of Anna Mae. Jerry replied that they did not want to give up Anna Mae and that Louise was pregnant and he didn't want her to miscarry. The Hes contacted the juvenile court officer several times during these months complaining about problems with visitation and talking about wanting to get custody back." My questions are do the agencies that you are are foster parent with require or suggest that you keep a notebook of visits with such detail? Was there an underlying motive in the keeping of the notebook? If there is no requirement or suggestion, then I must presume that there was an underlying motive.
From all accounts that I have read, the Baker's were foster parents without the promise or hope that they could adopt Anna Mae. I believe they used the legal system and the He's inability to completely understand the English and legal language and their fear that they would be arrested if they sought to visit Anna Mae as a way to legally terminate the He's parental rights. These manipulative actions are the same actions that alienating parents use against target parents.
Other news reports stated that Anna Mae did not want to learn the Chinese language and that she thought she was Mexican. I immediately thought that the Baker's were denying Anna Mae her heritage. This immediately sent up a red flag for me. Had the Baker's adopted a child internationally that was not of their race, what would they have told this child? A white American couple adopting a child that is not of their white race they can not easily deny or lie to a child that they were not adopted. How were they going to explain to her when she got older? Unless the truth was told, the lie would eventually come out. I think children that are adopted will eventually seek their heritage, sometimes just for answers or who they look like. This provides closure.
I think the Baker's were a family that wanted another child and they went though several avenues to achieve this. A tubal ligation was reversed, adoption was an option and they fostered children. I applaud them for wanting to provide a home for a child. The He's were disadvantaged financially and more. Casey He wanted her daughter and I do not think she intended for Anna Mae to be adopted or if she did to lose contact with Anna Mae. She may have wanted more than she could provide and I think every parent wants that. There is a line that was crossed in this agreement and I think the Baker's exploited this line. I believe they used everything possible to gain custody of a child, that was not theirs to begin with. They used the best interest of the child against the He's, they did everything possible to forbid visitation and to encourage the He's to back off. They denied Anna Mae her heritage. Somehow this was to be better for Anna Mae.
In closing I would like to point out a few things. A larger home with all the current technologies and toys does not make a better home for a child. A better income to provide the best schools, and other material possessions does not make a better home for a child. Money does not buy love, but there are many that think they can. A family that relies on the help of others in the raising of their children, relies on the generosity of others and sacrifices to provide, does not make them bad parents.
I would like to know your views.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
I do not know either family and have no personal experience with either of them. All I "know" is what was written in the media, which I think slants articles and persuades the public right or wrong when needed. The case was presented as the He's, a Chinese family attempting to make their way in America, had a baby girl who was premature. Jack He, the father, was fighting his own legal battles and they needed help. According to written articles they placed Anna in foster care until they could get on their feet financially. This was to be temporary and later I read until Anna reached the age of 18. This sounded odd to me, but I also had to remember that there is a language barrier as well. I wish not to argue whether the He's could speak and write in English or understand, but what concerns me is the legalese that is used. I speak English and was brought up in the US and for the life of me, I can not always understand the legal wording of documents.
As I would read the stories presented in the media, I did not feel inclined either way towards which family would be best for Anna. The media painted a picture though. The Bakers were wealthier than the He's and could provide more for Anna. That does not make them better parents. From one news media article they print: "The Bakers live in a five-bedroom, 4,800-square-foot home in the Davies Plantation area east of town. Their $414,000 house sits on more than an acre of rolling Tennessee hills. There are colorful play sets in the well-groomed backyard. Inside there is a media room with surround sound and a 53-inch TV, a Jacuzzi and a central vacuum system." I think, "who cares?" Obviously the media and the courts care. In the same article this is printed: "The Bakers began caring for Anna Mae on Feb. 23, 1999, and the Hes say they visited their daughter at least once a week. When the three months ended, they still were not able to care for Anna Mae. Mid-South Christian Services could no longer handle their case because the agency's supervision is limited to 90 days in temporary custody cases. So the two couples negotiated the next step on their own." And this: "Over the next year, the Hes say they continued to visit Anna Mae and told the Bakers they wanted her back. They say Jerry Baker asked that the arrangements stay in place until his then-pregnant wife gave birth to her own child." and this: "But the Bakers say in court documents that the Hes abandoned Anna Mae by not visiting enough and failing to pay child support. For the past year, the Bakers have refused the Hes' official requests to give Anna Mae back. Last month, the Bakers insisted, through Parrish, that Mister He take a DNA test to prove that he was Anna Mae's father. The test proved that he is."
In another news media article this was written: "But things only got worse for the struggling couple. In April 1999, a month before their custody was to end, He was arrested in the sexual assault case. The Bakers agreed to continue caring for Anna Mae—but only if they were named the child's guardians, which would give them full parental rights. The Hes agreed, they say, but without realizing the agreement could only be reversed by court order. "If we had known that by signing custody to the Bakers we would end up in court, facing termination of parental rights, we never would have signed it," says Jack, who now works at a Chinese restaurant. The Hes visited Anna Mae some 80 times before tensions flared. "The more Jack and Casey wanted to visit their daughter," says one of their pro bono attorneys, David Siegel, "the greater resistance they received from the Bakers." (As evidence, Siegel points to a journal that Louise kept.) In April 2000 and April 2001 the Hes petitioned to regain custody of Anna Mae but were turned down because of their unresolved legal problems. Then, on Jan.28, 2001, Anna Mae's second birthday, the Bakers denied the Hes' request to take their daughter for a family portrait, saying she was ill. The Hes refused to leave without her, prompting the Bakers to call the police. Intimidated, the Hes, who say they feared they would be arrested, didn't try to visit for a period of four months—which may constitute legal abandonment in Tennessee—and the Bakers went to court seeking to terminate the Hes' parental rights and formally adopt Anna Mae. Once, while shopping last December, the Hes happened to spot Anna Mae, who was with two of the Bakers' daughters, Hope and Aimee. According to Hope, 18, Casey put her hands on Anna Mae and screamed, "That's my baby!" Such incidents fuel the Bakers' contention that the Hes are emotionally unstable."
As I stated before, I do not know either family, have never met them and know nothing about the case, except for what was written in the media and from reading some court documents. I do have some concerns though. At first I was slanted towards the Baker's as they obviously could provide a better home and environment for Anna Mae. By all media accounts she seemed to be doing well with the Baker's as well. The He's were painted very poorly as well, as Jack He had some accusations against him and seemed to have some financial difficulties and the perception that the Chinese only want male children. I believe this was carefully depicted by the media slant on the story.
A few things I found from reading court documents was that Louise Baker was born in 1961. This should make her 47 years old. In 1989 she underwent a tubal ligation after the birth of their third child. If my math is correct, this should make this child 19 years old. In 1998, (this would make Mrs. Baker 37 yrs old) the Baker's decided they wanted another child and Mrs. Baker underwent a reversal of her tubal ligation. The Bakers considered adopting a child, but they wanted to try to have a child of their own first. The Bakers previously submitted a “Foster Home Application” to Mid-South in 1997. In response to the question “Why are you interested in providing a foster home?” on the application, the Bakers responded by stating, in relevant part, that they “were first interested in adoption of a newborn, but thought we would try foster care of newborns for a couple of years.”According to Mrs. Baker, they were considering adoption, and serving as foster parents allowed them to decide if adoption was something they wanted to pursue. After submitting their application, the Bakers began serving as foster parents for Mid-South. I also believe that the Baker's did have another child as well, because news reports state that they had a daughter born the year after they took in Anna Mae.
What concerns me and bothers me about this case is that from media reports this case did not present like a foster family wanting to adopt a child, but a custody case when the issue of custody was not a point. Mrs. Baker kept a notebook detailing visits, dates, time, length of stay and gifts brought for Anna Mae. In one article this was stated: "The Hes continued to visit Anna Mae regularly for about an hour a week. Louise Baker began to keep a diary in which she documented the Hes' visits to Anna Mae, writing down when the visits were, how long they lasted, how the Hes interacted with Anna Mae, and what gifts they gave her. In October 1999, friction began when the Hes wanted to take Anna Mae out of the Bakers' home and the Bakers refused. Louise Baker wrote "We would like to get visits to every other week. We feel like they would wean away, but the last 2 visits we could see Casey is wanting to come more." In November 1999, Jack He told Jerry Baker they wanted to regain custody of Anna Mae. Jerry replied that they did not want to give up Anna Mae and that Louise was pregnant and he didn't want her to miscarry. The Hes contacted the juvenile court officer several times during these months complaining about problems with visitation and talking about wanting to get custody back." My questions are do the agencies that you are are foster parent with require or suggest that you keep a notebook of visits with such detail? Was there an underlying motive in the keeping of the notebook? If there is no requirement or suggestion, then I must presume that there was an underlying motive.
From all accounts that I have read, the Baker's were foster parents without the promise or hope that they could adopt Anna Mae. I believe they used the legal system and the He's inability to completely understand the English and legal language and their fear that they would be arrested if they sought to visit Anna Mae as a way to legally terminate the He's parental rights. These manipulative actions are the same actions that alienating parents use against target parents.
Other news reports stated that Anna Mae did not want to learn the Chinese language and that she thought she was Mexican. I immediately thought that the Baker's were denying Anna Mae her heritage. This immediately sent up a red flag for me. Had the Baker's adopted a child internationally that was not of their race, what would they have told this child? A white American couple adopting a child that is not of their white race they can not easily deny or lie to a child that they were not adopted. How were they going to explain to her when she got older? Unless the truth was told, the lie would eventually come out. I think children that are adopted will eventually seek their heritage, sometimes just for answers or who they look like. This provides closure.
I think the Baker's were a family that wanted another child and they went though several avenues to achieve this. A tubal ligation was reversed, adoption was an option and they fostered children. I applaud them for wanting to provide a home for a child. The He's were disadvantaged financially and more. Casey He wanted her daughter and I do not think she intended for Anna Mae to be adopted or if she did to lose contact with Anna Mae. She may have wanted more than she could provide and I think every parent wants that. There is a line that was crossed in this agreement and I think the Baker's exploited this line. I believe they used everything possible to gain custody of a child, that was not theirs to begin with. They used the best interest of the child against the He's, they did everything possible to forbid visitation and to encourage the He's to back off. They denied Anna Mae her heritage. Somehow this was to be better for Anna Mae.
In closing I would like to point out a few things. A larger home with all the current technologies and toys does not make a better home for a child. A better income to provide the best schools, and other material possessions does not make a better home for a child. Money does not buy love, but there are many that think they can. A family that relies on the help of others in the raising of their children, relies on the generosity of others and sacrifices to provide, does not make them bad parents.
I would like to know your views.
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wonderful Poem
Today like every other day, I was checking my stats to see how and why people land to my blog. Some days I find interesting keywords or I notice a trend of keywords and then that gives me ideas about a new subject. I also check to see what other external links that are clicked that I have posted on my blog. I put those there because I feel they can have some helpful information. Well today I saw an exit link that I did not recognize, so I clicked it and took a look around and found this wonderful poem written by another mother. She had a "pass this to all your friends" link, so I sure hope that she does not mind that I used her poem as an entry today. I had written a poem for my son, but it fails in comparison to what she wrote. As a target parent, I understand the pain of not being able to see my son. I get frustrated that the system fails and does not protect the bonds between parents and their children. I get angry that everything I do for my son is criticized by his father and used to further alienate my son.
So please check out this poem and take a look around her page. She has some great poetry and her son has the cutest smile.
The poem: http://caring4you.net/james/custody.html
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
So please check out this poem and take a look around her page. She has some great poetry and her son has the cutest smile.
The poem: http://caring4you.net/james/custody.html
Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Just another day
Hello to all that read my blog. I just wanted to say thank you for following and for you comments and emails.
Today I am having a self pity party. I miss being able to talk to my son, I miss hearing his voice, I miss seeing his face. I wonder what he is doing and how he is doing. I am also angry because I cannot have answers to what I assume should be easy answers. How is school going? What has been going on? How is your girlfriend? Can I get a copy of your school picture? What do you want for Christmas? As I stepped outside a while ago, the wind was blowing and the air feels as we will have a storm coming in. It is warm and there is a cool breeze...OK not actually real warm, but warmer than it has been lately. I could hear leaves rustling in the wind and heard the ringing from the wind chimes. It was rather peaceful. Then I noticed my neighbor's house across the street as they were putting up Christmas lights outside. It looked so pretty and festive. Then I thought to myself, why bother, my son will not be here to enjoy it.
I started this blog because I wanted to tell my story about parental alienation, I wanted to state to the world all the dirty details of my case. Of course, that will not change anything and if you are a target parent, my story most likely sounds like yours or vice-versa as well as any other detailed story about parental alienation. I also wanted to write so I would not reveal anything that would identify myself, my son or my ex until a later date. This simple aspect made my writings a challenge and somewhat creative as I attempted to protect the identities. As time went on, I realized that it was cathartic for me to write.
I always had one goal in mind and that is to be a voice for those that cannot speak or will not speak out against parental alienation. I know that my story is one voice among the thousands of other parents that experience parental alienation. I never want another parent to have to experience parental alienation, nor do I want a child to be deprived of the love by both parents. Someday parental alienation will be recognized for what it is and that is abuse. Those that knowingly make false accusations of abuse will be prosecuted by tougher laws and will not be able to be shielded from prosecution based on the good faith aspect. Someday this cycle of abuse will stop.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Today I am having a self pity party. I miss being able to talk to my son, I miss hearing his voice, I miss seeing his face. I wonder what he is doing and how he is doing. I am also angry because I cannot have answers to what I assume should be easy answers. How is school going? What has been going on? How is your girlfriend? Can I get a copy of your school picture? What do you want for Christmas? As I stepped outside a while ago, the wind was blowing and the air feels as we will have a storm coming in. It is warm and there is a cool breeze...OK not actually real warm, but warmer than it has been lately. I could hear leaves rustling in the wind and heard the ringing from the wind chimes. It was rather peaceful. Then I noticed my neighbor's house across the street as they were putting up Christmas lights outside. It looked so pretty and festive. Then I thought to myself, why bother, my son will not be here to enjoy it.
I started this blog because I wanted to tell my story about parental alienation, I wanted to state to the world all the dirty details of my case. Of course, that will not change anything and if you are a target parent, my story most likely sounds like yours or vice-versa as well as any other detailed story about parental alienation. I also wanted to write so I would not reveal anything that would identify myself, my son or my ex until a later date. This simple aspect made my writings a challenge and somewhat creative as I attempted to protect the identities. As time went on, I realized that it was cathartic for me to write.
I always had one goal in mind and that is to be a voice for those that cannot speak or will not speak out against parental alienation. I know that my story is one voice among the thousands of other parents that experience parental alienation. I never want another parent to have to experience parental alienation, nor do I want a child to be deprived of the love by both parents. Someday parental alienation will be recognized for what it is and that is abuse. Those that knowingly make false accusations of abuse will be prosecuted by tougher laws and will not be able to be shielded from prosecution based on the good faith aspect. Someday this cycle of abuse will stop.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Personality disorders in young Americans
I came across this story today on http://www.livescience.com/health/081202-ap-personality-disorders.html posted by Lindsey Tanner, Associated Press 02 December 2008 08:28 am ET that "Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.
The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment."
I read this and thought OMG...FINALLY someone has presented some form of documentation that young adults are affected by something perhaps in their childhood that triggers problems that will show in their adult life. I looked for the word "parental alienation" and did not find it, but it does not take some scientist, psychologist or researcher to tell a target parent that their child will most likely face some problems in their adult life due to the actions by the alienating parent. I read this: "For many, young adulthood is characterized by the pursuit of greater educational opportunities and employment prospects, development of personal relationships, and for some, parenthood," the authors said. These circumstances, they said, can result in stress that triggers the start or recurrence of psychiatric problems. "
Perhaps I missed something in this article that suggested experiences in their childhood could bring this on. So I will surmise that these disorders could be triggered from their expediences in childhood.
I think for most parents that have a child the scenario goes likes this; you enter the hospital to deliver your child and go home 1-3 days later depending upon the delivery method. You are given some information on how to care for a newborn, but most of your "knowledge and or experience" comes from personal experience and instinct. I think many draw upon their own childhood on how to raise a child. If you were brought up by the help of siblings because your parents both worked, this may be they way they were brought up. If other family members were a major influence on the upbringing, than this again may be from experience. If discipline that could border on abuse was an influence then this may be a way the parents raise their child. I think that we do as we know and that is how the cycle of abuse and or disorders keep repeating. I do believe that the cycle of abuse can be broken.
As I attempt to understand my own personal situation, I can now realize there were several red flags that I ignored. I did not understand when I was younger that the way a child treats a parent means something significant. My ex's father was very demeaning to his wife and his children disrespected her as well. It was put in such a way that it was done jokingly at her expense and she also laughed at these so called jokes. I would also find her at times crying in the basement. She would always apologize for being " so sensitive". I was not mature enough to realize that this was emotional abuse. I would become angry for her, but then his father would be very loving and all seemed well. Again, I would not realize that this a cycle of abuse by a domestic abuser. I never saw physical abuse, so therefore, I did not realize that the controlling behaviors and emotional distress was abuse. Later, I would realize that this behavior repeated itself and I was the one who was the brunt of jokes and I would be demeaned. I also learned to accept that I as being "too sensitive".
Children or young teens that see this behavior learn to accept this as normal and can repeat it because they learn through actions that this is normal. It is not normal. So yes, parenthood can trigger the stresses that are indicative of a personality disorder. They go home with the "knowledge and experience" from their own childhood and repeat the cycle of abuse.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment."
I read this and thought OMG...FINALLY someone has presented some form of documentation that young adults are affected by something perhaps in their childhood that triggers problems that will show in their adult life. I looked for the word "parental alienation" and did not find it, but it does not take some scientist, psychologist or researcher to tell a target parent that their child will most likely face some problems in their adult life due to the actions by the alienating parent. I read this: "For many, young adulthood is characterized by the pursuit of greater educational opportunities and employment prospects, development of personal relationships, and for some, parenthood," the authors said. These circumstances, they said, can result in stress that triggers the start or recurrence of psychiatric problems. "
Perhaps I missed something in this article that suggested experiences in their childhood could bring this on. So I will surmise that these disorders could be triggered from their expediences in childhood.
I think for most parents that have a child the scenario goes likes this; you enter the hospital to deliver your child and go home 1-3 days later depending upon the delivery method. You are given some information on how to care for a newborn, but most of your "knowledge and or experience" comes from personal experience and instinct. I think many draw upon their own childhood on how to raise a child. If you were brought up by the help of siblings because your parents both worked, this may be they way they were brought up. If other family members were a major influence on the upbringing, than this again may be from experience. If discipline that could border on abuse was an influence then this may be a way the parents raise their child. I think that we do as we know and that is how the cycle of abuse and or disorders keep repeating. I do believe that the cycle of abuse can be broken.
As I attempt to understand my own personal situation, I can now realize there were several red flags that I ignored. I did not understand when I was younger that the way a child treats a parent means something significant. My ex's father was very demeaning to his wife and his children disrespected her as well. It was put in such a way that it was done jokingly at her expense and she also laughed at these so called jokes. I would also find her at times crying in the basement. She would always apologize for being " so sensitive". I was not mature enough to realize that this was emotional abuse. I would become angry for her, but then his father would be very loving and all seemed well. Again, I would not realize that this a cycle of abuse by a domestic abuser. I never saw physical abuse, so therefore, I did not realize that the controlling behaviors and emotional distress was abuse. Later, I would realize that this behavior repeated itself and I was the one who was the brunt of jokes and I would be demeaned. I also learned to accept that I as being "too sensitive".
Children or young teens that see this behavior learn to accept this as normal and can repeat it because they learn through actions that this is normal. It is not normal. So yes, parenthood can trigger the stresses that are indicative of a personality disorder. They go home with the "knowledge and experience" from their own childhood and repeat the cycle of abuse.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
