Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!

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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

Father reunited with Son after 5 year custody fight

This just in! David Goldman is now reunited with his son Sean, after a lengthy five year court battle with Sean's stepfather. May Mr. Goldman and his son find peace, joy and happiness in their reunification process. God Bless!

You can read the news here.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Christmas Miracle for a NJ father?

Christmas is to be a special time, filled with good will for others and small miracles. Could David Goldman have gotten a miracle this Christmas? I sure hope so!

If you have not read the story about David Goldman, he is the New Jersey father who has been fighting an international custody issue for the last five years. His son, Sean, is now 9 years old. In June of 2004, Mr. Goldman drove his son, his wife and his wife's parents to the airport for a planned two week vacation to Mrs. Goldman's native Brazil. When she arrived in Brazil, Mr. Goldman states that she called saying the marriage was over and if he ever wanted contact with his son again, he had to sign over custody to her.

If that does not sound very calculated, manipulative and a case of extortion, I don't know what does. These are the very same methods that alienating parents use to gain control.

Mr. Goldman's wife, then gained a divorce in the courts of Brazil and remarried. She later passed away while giving birth in 2008. Mr. Goldman states that he was not notified by his ex in-laws or by her new husband, but happened upon this information by friends that were helping him gain custody back of his son. This is a tragic loss for Sean. He lost his mother, and perhaps thinking that he will return to his father, his extended family in Brazil is now participating in further alienating him from his father.

Mr. Goldman has been fighting to regain custody of his son and has been blocked by many underhanded maneuvers. On Decemeber 21st, 2009, he received word that Brazil's top judge ruled in Mr. Goldman's favor and ordered that his son be returned to him.

Let us all hope and pray that Mr. Goldman has received his Christmas Miracle and that he and his son are reunited.

You can find the news story on MSNBC.COM and other news sites. Mr. Goldman has a website and you can read what he has written here.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the abuse!

You have nothing to be ashmed of

If you are the target parent experiencing parental alienation, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that when I first learned about parental alienation first hand because I was being targeted, I was ashamed to talk about it. In my mind and from what we learn what is socially acceptable, mothers do not lose custody, they do not give up custody and mothers do not have children that despise every breath they take. Please do not misinterpret my words of socially acceptable to mean that it was accepted that fathers were hated by their children and it was expected that they lose custody and society accepted that.

For any parent that once shared a close bond with their children and now find themselves separated from their children and hated by them, through no actions of their own, you are not alone and you should not feel ashamed. I know that I once was ashamed, because how did it look to outsiders that my son hated me. My son and I shared a very close bond. We went to the zoo, went to museums, colored pictures together, read stories together, drove around at Christmas finding all the pretty lights, went on picnics and more. Everyone that knew me, knew that my son was with me if they saw me out. Then I became the target in the crime of parental alienation. My life as I knew it would forever be changed. No one understood how my child could hate me. It was a phase I was told. This was more than a phase, it was abuse to my son. I also got the looks that if I was accused of child abuse and other heinous allegations then there must be some truth to it. I could not talk about what was happening to anyone for many reasons. I did not understand myself what was happening and I found it difficult to explain. My child loving me yesterday and now hates me today is so foreign for anyone to understand. I, myself, could not understand how overnight everything changed. How could anyone else? Perhaps I did contribute to this, but how?

After I found out that there is a name to this hatred and abuse, I read everything I could read about it. Parental alienation was a foreign word to me and I read a lot about it. I would come to the conclusion that parental alienation has existed for a long time, even before it was given a name.

One of the most difficult things I read concerning parental alienation was the letting go part. Letting go to me, meant that I gave up on my son and I accepted that I may never have him back. I could not read that chapter without the tears flowing. The words became so blurred and I was not reading the message, I was only seeing what I thought it meant. I may be wrong, but I think letting go means letting go of the deep seated hurt that fuels one self to tell their side of the story. For me this meant, I wanted so much for my son to know both sides of the story. I did not do these heinous acts that I was accused of, I had documentation of acts that his father did and dammit, why? Letting go has taken on a different meaning for me now. It means having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. I cannot change what my son's father says about me or what he does to forbid access of our son to me. I can either live my life or dwell upon the past. I can also take solitude in the fact that children want to love both parents and I support that. When children mature or face a similar obstacle, they may come to that realization as well. I have read that children who are victims of parental alienation, do not want to know the story or the truth. They just want to love both parents without conditions placed upon them. Target parents are the ones that have loved their children unconditionally.

So if you are a target parent, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Read books about parental alienation, talk about your situation to others that are experiencing the same thing and continue to live. You are stronger than you think you are.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try

"Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason for someone not to try" This is a verse in a song I just recently heard. What a statement!

I love music and like many I have my songs that relate to different areas in my life. The song that played when my husband danced our first dance at our wedding. The song that I state reflects my feelings for my son. The sad songs that reflect a breakup, the happy songs that reflect the happy times and the fun songs that reflect upon fun times. The words can be very powerful and many times comforting.

I write a lot about having faith that the parental alienation will end. I write about never giving up. Watch the video and read the lyrics that I will post for the song and have faith. Never give up.
"Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason for someone not to try" What seems impossible today may be possible another day.



Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Thankful

Thankful? What kind of title is that? Thankful for what? Don't you know what I am dealing with? How can you be thankful? You may be wondering where I am going with this.

Today I decided I better start decorating for Christmas. I was far from the mood. I started out by moving furniture and then cleaning. I made the trek up to the attic to find the Christmas decorations. I found the Christmas tree, I could not bring it down myself. Oh what the heck, let it fall down the stairs. I open the box and look at this contraption as it was this complicated puzzle. I left it there and went back to the computer to check email and play a game. Anything to give me an excuse not to do this. I went back to the large box and took out the base that the tree will sit in and I place it where this tree will be displayed. It is an easy task that I accomplish without problems. I am almost finished!!! Go and play another game on my computer. I come back to the large box and nothing has changed. So I lift the base of the tree and place it in the base. Mission accomplished so far. How bad will a quarter of a tree look, I think. I have hours to do this and I have many days till Christmas. I say to myself, gee I have done well. Back to my computer to play again. I am not wanting to do this. My son will not be here. Why am I doing this?

I finally go back to the mission of setting up my tree. I just look at this quarter of a tree and the two other sections that I must place together. Oh yeah, I forgot, I have to separate the branches and fluff it out so it looks real. My smart idea when my son lived with me was to get one of these trees that look "real" that has a million tips! I do the base of the tree and get to attach the middle section. Oh how much longer do I have? I can put this all back in the box and somehow haul it back up to the attic. Oh what the heck, it is downstairs...make the best of it. Sure....I think I need to check email again and play a game on the computer.

By now several hours have passed from my idea of decorating to my semi finished half tree. The games I am playing are becoming boring. Check email... no new email. I decide to have some Christmas music play in the background to get me in the mood. I wander over to my CD's and look carefully through my selections. Mannheim Steamroller...oh yeah that is cool, TSO.. yeah that is great, Celine Dion Christmas selection...sure I like her, Josh Groban Christmas CD...love his voice, some instrumental Christmas CD...oh yeah I remember...very soothing. A diverse selection that should get me in the mood. It seems to work! I am singing and dancing...hope my neighbors can not see me. What the heck! This is fun...not as it was when my son would help in decorating. I am missing that. I reminisce in the times we had.

I finish the tree finally and my songs are still playing. I sit down to take in the moment. I look at my Christmas tree and the other sparkly decorations that I have placed. You can squint your eyes, imagine and lose yourself in a thought. Then this song comes on. What does this have to do with Christmas? It is a very pretty melody. I hit replay several times, listening and taking in the words. I can almost sing word for word with the song by the time I am done.

I realize that my sadness and self pity in putting up my tree and not having my son here is not that important anymore. I realize I have read your stories and many of you are experiencing far worse situations than I am. I realize that I forget to look around myself and see the joy that surrounds me. I realize I take things for granted and I should give more. I listen to the words that we pray for what we know can be, and on this day we hope for, what we still can't see. It's up to us, to be the change. Wait it is up to me to be the change? Yes it is! I must continue to reach out to my son and to other target parents. One day this will change! We still all do more!

Watch this video and I will post the lyrics as well.



The lyrics:
Somedays, we forget to look around us,
Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,
so caught up inside ourselves,
we take when we should give,
so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and on this day we hope for,
what we still can't see,
It's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
look beyond ourselves,
there's so much sorrow,
it's way to late to say, I'll cry tomorrow
each of us must find our truth,
it's so long overdue,

so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and everyday, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
even with our differences,
there is a place were all connected,
each of us can find each others light,
So for tonight, we pray for
what we know can be,
and on this day, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though this world can still do so much more
there's so much to be thankful for.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

"Quote of the day" from another blog

I came across this post on another blog that I read. It states:

The most fit parent is the one that allows ongoing and continual contact between the other parent, and "actively encourages" the children to see the other parent, and supports the children interactions with the other parent. That is a fit parent. Anything less is unfit.

Mark Godbey


It is such a simple but yet very profound statement. The best interests of the child doctrine. For example in my state the code reads:

The court will take into consideration the following primary factors when determining what custody arrangement is best for a child:

(a) the love, affection, and emotional ties between the parents and child;

(b) the importance of continuity and the length of time the child has lived in a stable and satisfactory environment;

(c) whether there has been any domestic violence or physical or mental abuse to the child, spouse, or any other person and whether a parent has had to relocate to avoid such violence;

(d) the stability of the family unit;

(e) the mental and physical health of the parents;

(f) the home, school, and community record of the child;

(g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age;

(h) the character and behavior of any person who lives in or visits the parent’s home and such person’s interactions with the child; and

(i) each parent’s past and potential performance of parenting duties, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent.

If you notice section (i) lists each parent's past and potential performance of parenting abilities, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent. Why is this recommendation so far down the list?

I do know that from my experience dealing with custody issues, the major factor that was considered was (g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age. For some reason, no one seemed to care except for my attorney and myself that if my son went to live with his father that he would be losing out on quite a bit.

I can argue as well as my ex can argue each and every point of this doctrine. For example:


(a) the love, affection, and emotional ties between the parents and child;
My stand: My son and I have a very strong bond and I make sure he gets to have his time with dad.
Ex's stand: Our son does not need his mom anymore, this is when he needs his dad more.

(b) the importance of continuity and the length of time the child has lived in a stable and satisfactory environment;
My stand: Our son has lived with me for X amount of years. Attends a good school, does well in school, has long time friends and activities in school. He attends church and is active in church.
Ex's stand: Our son needs his father now and does not need his mom anymore. He will attend school and church.

(c) whether there has been any domestic violence or physical or mental abuse to the child, spouse, or any other person and whether a parent has had to relocate to avoid such violence;
My stand: I do not state in court, but have records of domestic violence against me by my ex. I would later find more domestic violence charges against my ex from the next wife.
My ex's stand: I am abusive to our son and our son will testify to this as well.

(d) the stability of the family unit;
My stand: My ex is number 2 husband. I have no children from a previous and short marriage. I have remained single and supported myself and our child. He attends the same school and attends church. I go without so I do not disrupt our son's life.
My ex's stand: I am married and wife can stay at home and not work. ( this is marriage # 3 and there is marriage #4 as well) Mother has to work and get a babysitter so she can make money. I(ex) make X amount of money and can buy more for our son and provide better. He also makes claim to the better home (larger and more expensive) that he has.

(e) the mental and physical health of the parents;
My stand: I make no claims, because I can not support these with verifiable proof. I can tell you some stories, but what does that prove?
My ex's stand: Mother is mentally unfit to be a parent. (I end up taking a mental exam to prove him wrong) Mother is a drug addict and an alcoholic. ( I am again investigated for these claims, which end up stating no proof)

(f) the home, school, and community record of the child;
My stand: Our son has attended such school for all his life, does well and is challenged in school and has many friends. Our son has lived in the same home with me for X amount of time, only moved because I wanted a safer or better neighborhood once. Our son does community service as required projects in school.
My ex's stand. I am married, wife is there when I am not. He will attend school. Community service is BS. ( ex has moved 6 times at this point, married twice since our divorce and it is not relevant to my case, I am told)

(g) the reasonable preference of a child over 12 years of age;
My stand: A 12 year old is a minor and can not state what they want to the court. My 12 year old on some days does not want to go to school...are you Judge going to allow him to state this and you allow this? A 12 year old is easily manipulated and easily bought. What message do you send to children that they can tell a judge what they want and the judge agrees without investigation?
My ex's stand: Our son wants to live with me because he does not need his mother anymore. He needs his dad more.

(h) the character and behavior of any person who lives in or visits the parent’s home and such person’s interactions with the child;
My stand: My ex is now on wife #4, I have not remarried. Current and previous wife have questionable histories....proven by public record. Previous wife has been jailed for failure to pay child support and my ex bails her out and pays her back support. My ex is arrested on theft charges. I can go on as well.
My ex's stand. Mother is abusive, she has a boyfriend and is not married and he is abusive and our son wants to live with me because he does not need his mother anymore and needs his father more.

(i) each parent’s past and potential performance of parenting duties, including a willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship with the other parent.
My stand: I allow time with father and give extra time.
Ex's stand: Mother forbids time with me and I will not make our son spend time with her if he (son) does not want to.

Although I gave as much information as possible, it still does not come close to the arguments that my ex and I had in our custody case. The major overtone was that our son needed his father more and did not need his mother and the clause that he was 12 or older was used in their case. No one seemed to "hear" that our son needed his father more and did not need his mother anymore. I was told that was the stage of life he was in, because he was in puberty. HOLD ON! Puberty? I do not recall this mentioned. I was told that no one can force a teen to do something. I would only suffer if it was ordered that our son remain with me, because he will run away. Yes, the guardian ad litem and my ex's attorney have already stated that my son will run away if he is forced to live with his mom. Excuse me! Have you not heard anything? The common tone is that the child needs his father more and does not need his mother anymore and not one person can prove these allegations of abuse that have been made against his mother. They have already heard that the father will not force his son to spend time with his mother and then there is talk that when he turns 18, the child is an adult. Therefore, the father can not enforce visitation, even though our son would still be in high-school.

The courts fail parents. Alienating parents fail their children. Judges fail to make educated, difficult and non popular rulings.

So yes, it boils down to one simple statement. Which parent is going to allow ongoing and continual contact with the other parent that also allows for undivided love for both parents?

Never give up!

I came upon this poem about perseverance and I think that every target should read this and think about it:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."

As a target parent and from talking with other target parents, I understand the feeling of wanting to quit. You want to throw your hands up, wave the white surrender flag, snap your fingers and have the time turn back to when things were normal with your children. You are tired, exhausted emotionally, strained physically and financially ruined. You have spent so much time, energy and money and you are no closer to your children. You may think that waiting until they are older and they have some maturity that perhaps they will seek you out. This can and does happen sometimes, but are you willing to gamble with this idea?

I understand that it is difficult to continue to extend the hand of communication and contact when all you get in return is hatred. Everyone wants some positive reinforcement for their efforts. I understand the thought of "why bother". Your children are depending upon you to be there and I understand that they may not be demonstrating that. In fact they are resisting your efforts and doing everything they can to push you away. I do believe that deep down, they do not want you to push away.

I suggest that if you have not read this book, that you read it. I think you will gain a new perspective and hope on your situation. You can click the link and it will take you to Amazon.com where you can purchase this book.

Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind (Norton Professional Book)

Never give up! I would like to share some quotes with you and I hope that they make a difference.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
~ Dale Carnegie

"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up."
~ Vince Lombardi

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity. "
~ Louis Pasteur

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."
~ Thomas Jefferson

"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about."
~ Unknown

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the abuse!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

It's the holidays again ...Oh great



Thanksgiving MySpace Comments



The holiday season is starting again and this is a time that target parents can really feel the loss of not being able to spend the time with their children. While we spend our holiday eating a wonderful meal and giving thanks, we are not able to spend the time with the ones that we so dearly miss, love and care about. It is a void that no one seems to understand.

As I am thankful to have a beautiful child, supportive friends and followers of this blog, I am still human and have feelings. I still get down when the holidays come around because I know I will not be able to spend any time with my son. I get down, because he would sneak off to text message his father several times a day at one point, but can not "sneak" off now to send me a text message.

But this is not about me, it is about you and other target parents and how we can come together and be heard.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

You pick....Left or right

I am irritated today. I have read some stories, read some blogs, read some emails. It all boils down to the same thing. One parent trying to one up the other by denying the other parent parenting time with the other. Oh "he is an asshole", oh "she is a bitch". Throw in some accustions of abuse in there and it takes on a whole new twist. He said, she said. No wonder judges throw up their hands in these cases many times.

Let me put it this way. For those of you who read this blog, those who stumble upon it and to the others, think about some things. You and your ex had a child. While married everything was fine, may have been fine, but somehow your children loved both of you. I do not care what you claim now, but it did happen....your children loved both of you.

Now you are divorcing, or you are divorced, and you are in this custody battle and now one parent pits the other against the other asking and demanding the children to make their choice. It is me or the other parent.

So to you parents using your children as pawns to "win" custody, let me ask you to pick. As parents, together you made this child. That child is half of both of you. You pick which side of the child you like better...the right side or the left side.

It sounds absurb and stupid. No more than what you are asking your children to do. How can you love your children and hate your ex when our children are half of the ex we claim to hate. So is it the right side or left side of your children that you hate? Hate your ex, deny them access, you have to hate one side of your children. You pick.

In the end all this nit picking about issues does not matter. All this money, time and energy spent trying to win does not matter. What matters is our children. We love them faults and all. Why can't our children love parents faults and all?

Think about it!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Carnival

Today, I am trying something different. I hope to give some hope to target parents as well. My title, " The Carnival" must seem a bit odd, but bear with me. The reason I am writing this is because I heard something the other day and an analogy was made. After I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.

Do you remember when you were little and your parents took you to the county fair, the carnival or something similar to this? If you had never been before, you were not sure what the excitement was. If you had been before, you were excited that you could go again. Once a year, you piled into the car, made the trip to the carnival and experienced the magic that it had for you. As young children, the only care was the exciting rides and the possibility to win some gifts at the games. The lights at night were memorizing and the smells of the different foods that you were not allowed to eat were more than alluring. Perhaps, your parents "allowed" you to ride what they considered the safe rides..Maybe they gave you a small amount of money or you saved up some to spend on the games. I think most parents told their children that these games were rigged and you were wasting your time and money on them. Perhaps they allowed you to learn your lesson as well. You spent your money on the games and now have nothing left to buy a fresh squeezed lemonade.

But the allure of the games was there. The people running them are calling out to you, enticing you with the big gift. You see others walking around with large gifts. You tell your parents that you can win, it is real, see the prizes and more. Maybe you play and win, maybe not. But the illusion that they are real and easy is there. You cannot escape this. You have been sucked into the illusion of something that is not real.

Fast forward from your childhood to now you are the parent taking your children to the carnival. You realize the excitement, the allure and you also realize that these games just take your money. Oh the promise is there and the illusion is such, but how do you make your children understand this?

Welcome to adulthood! So many years ago, you were that child with the big eyes, the excitement and the belief that this was real. But you have spent that money trying to win that prize and walked away with nothing more than a try again buddy! You left the carnival after spending your money on foods that were bad for you, rides that upset your stomach and games that did not deliver the promise, but you still had fun. Thankfully the carnivals only come once a year.

Children that are being programmed against a parent is like going to the carnival. They are promised all the hype and told all the lies, but it does not deliver.There is promise and there is fun as well. Some of these children realize the lies when they reach an age. Some don't and hold onto the belief that the big prize exists.

Alienated children are told that the other parent is bad, they lie, they abuse and more. Children can be manipulated into believing this. The children may even provide stories themselves to substantiate the lies being told by the alienating parent. Like the carnival, they are mislead into believing something that is far from the truth.

Some of these children will mature and realize that what appeared as truth is an illusion. Some may not and old onto that belief that the other parent is bad because they are told so. There is fun, there is promises and there is prizes for accepting this. But one day they will realize.

I do not know if and when this will happen, but as a targeted parent, you MUST keep contact, tell your children that you love them and be the parent that is there for them. Promise them nothing other than unconditional love. Parents that alienate have conditions on their love---- Target parents do not.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Should the term "parental alienation" be coined something else?

Nothing stirs up emotions and comments more than a discussion about parental alienation. Is it a syndrome? Should it be included in the DSM? Is it a valid argument when parents can not have access to their children in custody cases? Is it hogwash based on Gardner's background? Whatever your views are on the words of parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome, I am here to tell you that "something" is happening in custody cases worldwide.

On one side of the coin, you have groups that say that any denial of access is parental alienation. On the other side, you have groups that say they deny access of the children to the abuser and the abusers bring up parental alienation against the victim and the victims are labeled as alienators.

I wish not to write about those two sides. I wish to write about families with children, that the children had loving relationships with both parents prior to a divorce. The same families that when custody becomes the battle, one parent, turns the children against the other parent.

Children do not want their parents to divorce. They feel a sense of loss when this happens. It is the parents job to assure the children that although mom and dad no longer live together, that they both love the children and both will be a part of their lives. A parents job is to make this transition as painless as it can be. They should set aside their differences and work in concert with each other for their children. This at times can be more than difficult, but the parents are adults and should know the rules of civility and they also should possess some common sense. They are not doing this for themselves, but for their children. Unfortunately this does not happen in many cases.

In many cases a sense of greed overcomes them as well as a sense of revenge and entitlement. The children are no longer individuals, but property that is used as a bargaining chip in this game of who wins what. A spouse that has to buy a new home, has to give up possessions, and pay monetarily, but has access to the children is not losing enough. It can also go the other way, as in the spouse who get to stay in the home , gains possessions and receives monies, but has to share custody they still have not gotten enough. They lost and must win. Money plays a part in this, as to who will pay the other for their leaving the marriage, but money can be earned. The stake in the heart is the children and who gets them and who has access to them, like they are the car or house: a possession. Even if the spouse that utilizes these techniques to gain the money leverage and upper hand, the other will realize that the children still love the other parent. This is not enough for them, they have to win more. As I stated prior the "stake in the heart" is the loss of the children and the best way to accomplish this is to have the children state they hate the other parent. Worse yet is allegations of abuse to the child by the parent. This may very well lead to the other parent losing all rights to see the child and to have any relationship with the child. This is the "win" that many parents see. This is alienation. Definition of alienation: withdrawing or separation of a person or a person's affections from an object or position of former attachment

It does not matter to me what the phrase is called. It is the loss of the affection with the children. Call it custodial interference, call it denial of parenting time, call it SOMETHING! But dammit, realize that there are some parents out there that claim they love their children and want the best for them, but deny them access, knowledge, and more to the other parent. This is not love, it is not protection, it is selfishness, greed, and revenge.

Children do not wake up one day and claim abuse. Children do not wake up one day and claim they hate the other parent. Children are not sharing a happy and loving relationship for years and decide that abuse took place years ago suddenly. Children are being coached to state things beyond their understanding in these cases. They parrot the other parents ideas and thoughts, statements that are well beyond their comprehension or even their cares at the stage they are in. For example: "You do not take me to get my hair cut, it is always Mom (Dad) that does". "You have too much furniture in your home". "You buy me dress clothes too much". Mom (Dad) only buys my clothes at Walmart, Target(insert other non high dollar store name)". "Mom (Dad) has to drive to your house for drop-offs and pickups". I don't need mom (dad) as much anymore in my life". Theses are not concerns of children, but what parents say to brainwash the children to say to those that make the decisions in custody cases.

This is epidemic and happens daily around the world. Call it alienation, call it interference, call it denial of parenting, call it something. BUT, see it as it is....one parent using their children as pawns, as possessions, as bargaining chips to "win" revenge against the former spouse and to make them pay the ultimate price. The loss of a child's love for them and access to their children. Ultimately the children lose the most. They lose a parent who loves them. If this is not abuse, then I do not know what is.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Today is Halloween

Halloween Graphics @ Cute-Spot.com
Halloween Graphics

Another day without my son.
For something you accuse that I have done
I miss out on Halloween fun
With my son
You still think you have won
But I still have a son.







OK, bad attempt at a poem. Halloween, either you get caught up in the celebration or you don't. This was a time for me that was fun. I picked out a costume for my son, with his help of course, bought candy, braved the cold, rain or snow, and walked a neighborhood begging for candy. As he got older we visited haunted houses or other supposed scary activities. it was all in fun, but it really was more of special times that we both could look back on and reminisce. I loved hearing him say, "Remember Mom, the time you took me to that place and we went trick or treating" and other memories.

Every time something special comes around, be it the Christian or other religious holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, target parents look back at the special times they had with their children. Many have lost those special times.

While my son is now an adult legally, I doubt I am missing the trick or treating times and his dressing up in a costume, but I still wonder what he is doing.

As for my poem: My ex accused me of many heinous things and attempted to strip me of my parental rights. I lost many special times and memories with my son, but I did not lose my son as my ex wished the courts would have granted.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

some thoughts about parental alienation

Through my own experiences dealing with parental alienation and with talking to those that experience first hand and others, I have come up with some thoughts of my own. I would like your feedback as well.

I had a conversation the other day with a young adult, age 23, whose parents are divorced. She has no idea of my situation. I do not believe that parental alienation played a huge part in her parent's divorce, although there could have been some naive alienation going on by both parents. What struck a chord with me, was a comment that she made. She did not want to know about her parent's divorce, did not want to know the cause, she just wanted to be able to love them both without feeling she had to hear anything of the past. I got a sense that now, both or one parents wanted to tell their side of the story. She stated this divorce was not about her. She is right.

In my previous post about what does love have to do with it and letting go, I think I hit upon something. Something that seems to make more sense as time goes on. I think the degree of parental alienation is directly related to the age of the child, time spent with the child before alienation became apparent and the level of the alienation employed by the alienating parent. This is not to say that some cases are easier, because any parent that experiences this can never recover the lost years.

If you are a target parent, never ever give up hope. Please keep contact, even if you are the one doing all the contact. Develop a thick skin and let the hurtful comments slide off. Keep a log, diary, online blog, something that chronicles your contact and love for your child. Get a facebook page or a myspace page or whatever the social networking pages that your child may have. You nay not be friends with them, but post pictures of them, let them know you love them. Someone will see them and tell your child this. Call on birthdays, holidays and more. Leave a message, it may not be returned. Gather a box and place cards, gifts, whatever you have to into, that one day your child will see you never gave up. Don't stop being a parent that loves a child that can not do things just because the courts and your ex spouse has made it seem this way. You are just being the silent parent for now. I truly believe that these children taken away from the target parents will one day return.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

What does love have to do with it?

Today while researching some quotes I came across one that everyone has seen or read before. I read it and thought how profound it is.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with"

How does this relate to target parents and alienated children? As target parents we have to find the time to let go. As alienated children, they may feel they have been set free. What if they never return to us? What if they do?

I truly believe that the children that have been alienated against the target parent will someday return. Target parents have to keep the hope, faith and belief that they will. They must also maintain or attempt to maintain contact as well.

If you are a target parent, keep hoping, praying, believing and doing everything you can, even though you feel it will get you nowhere. Send cards, keep a copy for your records. Take notes and make a journal of your contact, Write your thoughts down. I do believe that one day, your child or children will read it and realize.

Never give up hope!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Missed the 1500 day mark

So today, August 28, 2009 is day 1503 that my son has not said that he loved me. I guess after some time, you miss these milestones. Just for the record1503 days = 4.11507763 years.

Things will change! I know it, I just have to keep doing what I do. Love my son and let him know that.


what can be done to stop parental alienation?

Question: What can be done to stop parental alienation?
Answer: That is a difficult question to answer, because everyone has their own ideas, but no one seems to care, except for those affected by this abuse.

Perhaps, that is a harsh answer, but it seems to be the reality of this abuse that happens to children.

Children being left in cars in the scorching heat, children being approached by a pedophile, children being killed all gather headlines and rightfully so. These are abuses and of the worst physical kind. There are headlines about children being kidnapped by the other parent, but the emphasis is not on the emotional abuse that the child experiences by being denied the other parent. The emphasis is either on the abuse that is "alleged" that lead to the parental kidnapping, or how tragic it will be that the child may be "forced" to return to the other parent. I do not deny that some parents take their children in what they consider a "good faith" attempt to protect their children from abuse, BUT these parents also do not realize that denying a child knowledge to the other parent is also abuse.

Some may question my views on this. Most that have experienced a divorce, "knows" that the other person is whatever words one can use to describe a terrible person. Sure, they have cheated, lied, abused you, etc, but they still are the person you selected as your spouse and was the other parent. Now suddenely they are not worthy of love from a child or children you conceived together? This makes no sense to me.

So what to do about the system that does not care about these children subjected to this type of abuse? Make new laws against this crime? This sounds good in theory, but the sad fact remains that the current laws or suggestions are not enforced and there is no punishment for the willful and direct violation of these.

Every parenting plan that I have seen has some statements such as:
The willingness and ability of each of the parents to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and the other parent, consistent with the bests interests of the child;
The following are the rights of a parent during those times when the child is not in the care of that parent.
That parent has the right:

To be free of derogatory remarks made about such parent or such parent's family by the other parent to or in the presence of the child;
To unimpeded telephone conversations with the child at least twice each week at reasonable times and for a reasonable duration;

Of course there are several more suggestions, but any target parent can tell you that these basic rights above are rarley followed and that the "system" does not punish either for these so called violations.

So are new laws needed? Yes perhaps, but FIRST the current suggestions need to be followed with some form of punishment for the parent that disregards them. Until then, this emotional abuse of children caught in the crossfire of divorces will continue. There can be all sort of laws, but if the basic rights of parents are not encouraged and followed, then all the laws on the books mean absolutely nothing. If a parent is not punished for disreagreding a child's need to know and love both parents without prejudice, all the laws on the books is futile.

I urge everyone that has experienced parental alienation to speak out. Tell your story!

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Saturday, August 01, 2009

My thoughts for the day

I have taken a break from posting, as many of my followers are aware. During this time, I have been sitting back listening to people talk and thinking about what they have said. One thing, I have noticed is the way things were said.

Two examples I would like to mention are two people that are divorced and they had children with their spouses. One person is male and the other is female. I attempt to be fair minded and have always stated that parental alienation is not gender based. The male hates his ex wife with all his being. He can not say one word nice about her. The female hates her ex with all her being and also can not say one word nice about him. When I mention that they had children, both claim what a jerk the spouse was and how they do not matter. I also heard that the children do not like the other parent. If asked why, the answer is because they saw what a jerk the spouse was. They both were quick to point out all the faults of the ex spouse, without my questioning them. They also state how much better the children would be without having contact with the other parent.

This is the behavior that makes me sick. I do not like what my ex did to me, but he and I did have a child together and at one time shared loving feelings. I can trash talk him with the rest, but I also can find some nice things to say about him as well. He cannot return the favor and neither can the two that I wrote about either.

When a parent has such hatred in their hearts for the other parent, it affects their ability to be a good parent. They constantly look for opportunities to plant the seeds of hatred about the other parent. When a parent cannot have the interests of their children above their own, they are selfish.

If you encounter parents that are attempting to plant seeds of hatred about their ex, realize that there are two sides to every story. I would also wonder what the motive was as well.

This is how parental alienation works. Deep seated hatred for the ex, followed by multiple stories that sway you to believe their story and acceptance that the child is better off without the other parent in their life. While the parent works on gathering their army of believers, the child is already enmeshed and telling stories as well.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Hello and a quick post

Hello to everyone!

I am working on a few posts, that I hope to get published soon.

As we near the 4th of July and the celebration of Independence Day, I can only hope that those that are held hostage by the means of parental alienation can somehow find some liberation.

The more that I sit back, reflect and ponder, I have come to realize that parental alienation is a continuation of domestic violence, a control issue and it is most definitely child abuse. I disagree with the groups that want to so call protect their children from the abuse by denying them the knowledge and association with the other parent. Children will seek out these things as they get older and if this so called abuse was a dreamed up idea by a parent as a means to control, the children will figure this out one day. I am sorry if you disagree, but two people made this child and this child has the right to know both parents, no matter the alleged adults feelings towards each other. I have also written that the laws need to change. I agree they need to change, but FIRST the current laws need to be enforced.

I hope to be able to touch on these subjects in my following posts.

Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the Abuse!

Friday, June 12, 2009

"My Story" the intro

There are three sides to every story....her side, his side and in between lies the truth. It is supposed to be up to the judges to decide which side they believe more per se and weed through the rest of the BS. The judges are supposed to rule in the best interests of the child and are supposed to use the laws and enforce them. Unfortunately, this does not happen. This is where I want my story to focus on. I may have to go back to pre divorce to make a point, but I really want to focus on the fact that there are laws that the judges DO NOT enforce and basically IGNORE! This is the injustice that alienating parents face. A gross injustice! Parental rights are being violated.

My thoughts for the day

I have been doing alot of thinking here lately. How to proceed to "tell my story", what to write about and how to go on with life with that empty hole that parental alienation leaves.

I recently experienced an unexpected death of a family member. It was quite a shock. It was not real until the day of the funeral. I will miss this person, but I also know that they will not be back to visit and will not have to wonder when the next time will be that I see them. A closure of sorts, I guess. In parental alienation, it is a death, but without closure. With death, you can be mad and angry that they left, but know they will never be back. You can visit them at their grave. You know the phone number you had for them is now disconnected, not because they avoid your calls, but because they are not there. With PA, you know your child is there, but refuses to answer. You worry about them and know if something happened, you may never know about it. There is no closure. Perhaps that means there is hope that they will one day see the light of truth, or mature enough to know better. You can only hope and pray that the lies they have been told, entice them to seek the truth one day.

This leads me to another thought as well. I will begin my journey into my PAS story today. First of all, I want to say there are three sides to every story out there. Her side, His side and between the two, the truth. Which party told more of the truth, is for those to figure out. There is no innocent person when it comes to parental alienation. One perpetrates knowingly and the other enables, many times unknowingly. I can refer to my story with documentation, notes, court documents, arrest records, police records and much more. I found that this diligence got me no where in the courts of law. I could impeach the credibility of my ex many times, but again it was futile. Somehow, it will eventually work out, or so I am told.

Stay tuned as I gather my thoughts for another post.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Back Again!

I would like to thank those that sent me emails saying they missed my posts and to those that offered words of support and wisdom. Please forgive me for not responding though. I am still taking this all in and deciding how to proceed with this blog. For the moment, I will still remain anonymous so I protect my son's identity. That is of the up most importance to me.

My lack of posting was for several reasons. I got hit with several computer viruses, malware and trojans. I attempted to save some money by "fixing" the problem myself, but I ended up having to take my computer in to the shop. An expensive lesson! Yes, I use anti viral software, but the nasty I got bypassed my settings. My other reasons for not posting were due to personal issues. I have experienced a death that hit everyone very hard. I needed to grieve this as well. My son graduated from high school and I was dealing with the difficulties associated with attending his graduation. I did attend his graduation, but felt like an intruder that night. Since that night, I have not been able to contact my son either.

Anger and bitterness, although justified, does not make for good posting.

So, I will start out again posting, perhaps slow, but with thought or so I hope.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Monday, May 25, 2009

I am back...sort of

Hello!

I know it has been some time since I have posted. I have been stressed in many areas of my life. Work, extended family and the end of legal battle for my son, has taken a toil on me. I have been trying to decide which avenue I take next. Do I continue this blog anonymously, or do I start posting some of my story? My intention is not to discredit the father of our son, but to post some of the court documents that show or perhaps prove that the family court of law is messed up. Of course, if I choose to post documents, the father of our son will not appear as a man of honor, or the man that our son thought he was. This could also cause the family courts to be exposed as well.

I think this is what every target parent faces. Do we tell the truth and appear like we are trying to make our children hate the other parent, or do we suffer in silence? The current laws will never be upheld or changed if we do not tell our story. If we tell our story, we can be looked upon as another alienating parent. For the record, the counselor has stated for me to let it go and to let our son figure it out. My point: impeach the credibility.

What do you think?

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Moms

I am sure we have all seen versions of this email circulating the Internet. I copied and pasted a portion of it. You can substitute the word Dad for Mom in this as well. The point is children naturally progress through these stages. In parental alienation, the target parents only hope this progression does happen.

The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that,either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
75 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Just an update

I figured I better update this blog so I do not lose any followers. I have not died, I have not forgotten about parental alienation, I have not stopped thinking about entries that I can post. What has happened is that I am angry right now about some personal issues in my own alienation case and have not been able to post. I am not of any help to anyone, if I can not overcome my own anger and place my writings into something constructive.

I have been very careful in my writings, or so I think, that I do not identify my case. Right now, I fear that if I post my feelings, I will write something that identifies my case, my son or my ex. I have tried to be respectful of that. I am not sure if I should post the details of my case. If I did, I would have to post documents, pictures and files.

What are your feelings or thoughts about this?

Friday, April 17, 2009

I Dreamed a Dream

What does this video have to do with parental alienation? Not a thing! I think you should watch the video and then read how I attempt to tie this in to my thoughts for the day.




I would like to include the lyrics to the song that she sang.

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

Although the lyrics seem somewhat dark and seem to bash men, I would like to somehow attempt to tie this into the lives that target parents live, albeit target parents are both fathers and mothers. Target parents live a life of a broken dream. Their marriage failed and the spouse that shared their dreams of children now refuse to allow the contact. We dreamed that our marriage would last forever, we would watch our children grow and develop into adults together and enjoy the next generation of our lives. Those ideas are now just dreams that we pray to God to allow us to have. Many parents do not have the opportunity to watch these dreams. We long for the contact with our children, we wonder and worry.

What struck me about this video was the unassuming presence of the singer. It is obvious by watching the expressions of the judges and the people that the camera focuses in at the beginning of the video. The singer looked shy and very out of place as she walked onto the stage. Then she started to sing. If you are a fan of American Idol, many are aware that Simon Cowell does not show favorable expressions and can be quite mean in his commentaries. The smile that came over his face was priceless. ( Simon, you have a great smile!) The audience was on their feet. I would imagine that anyone who ran into this singer never gave her a second look. They were not aware of her potential. They may have even had some prejudiced opinions of her as well. Target parents are the same. You can encounter a target parent and never know. They may attempt to tell the story, but one may not be interested. It is when that one voice that grabs the attention of the masses, that will be when everyone else will take notice about parental alienation.

I had a dream...it was the dream that no child will ever have to make a choice about which parent they can love...they will be free to love both of them without fear of punishment...the courts will recognize the damage that alienation of the love and affection of parent by the means of a selfish parent will stop. I dream that this living hell will end!

HD link with subtitles worth watching to this video!

Not sure about your thoughts, but I came away with an appreciation for the "underdog" and was in tears.
Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Sunday, April 05, 2009

I have not quit posting

I have not quit posting on my blog. I have taken a break from dealing with parental alienation and have been spending time for myself. Some may call it selfish, but as a target parent, I need a break. This allows me time to focus on myself and to better myself as well. This will make me stronger to deal with the long term effects that parental alienation has.

I have not stopped thinking about what my next post will be, but it allows me clarity when I make my next post.

Please stay tuned for my next post, which I hope I will make in the next few days.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Sunday, March 08, 2009

more opinions about the PAS does not exist

I see I will have to write things that I wished I did not have to write, but I hope that it gives those that read this blog a better understanding of my opinions about parental alienation.

I grew up in what many call today a strict home. You went to school, you were expected to bring home grades according to your ability and pushed to achieved better, you went to church, you participated in the community, you were respectful to adults, you respected your parents authority, you knew you would be punished at school and then at home if you did anything wrong, you did not call adults by their first name, and I could go on.

I remember a few things about my childhood, such as family trips, spending time with my grandparents, going to church when I did not want to, getting grounded for bad grades and more.

One thing that does stick in my mind was when my parents were having a bad patch in their marriage. I remember my dad getting mad at my mother and yelling. I remember being packed up to go to our grandmothers' home to spend the night. I remember having to sleep on a small bed with my brother and remember not sleeping that night as well. I remember my mom saying our dad was mean and other things. I remember hating my dad that night because I could not sleep in my bed and had to stay at my grandmother's home. I loved my grandmother and enjoyed staying with her, but I did not like it this way.

Why did I hate my dad that night? Was it because I remember him yelling at my mom or was it because my mom "helped" me remember more things about my dad?

As I got older, I remember my mom complaining about my dad. He was mean, he beat her, he cheated on her. Mind you, I never saw him beat her or cheat on her and from what I knew of my dad, he was not the cheating type. Of course I could be wrong as well. Did he yell? Sure! Do I yell at times? Sure! Does that mean we abuse people? Raising my voice in frustration does not make me an abuser. Raising my voice, not knowing when to quit and taking that frustration and using swear words and using physical violence makes me abusive, but this I never did, nor did I see my dad do this.

The more my mom talked about divorcing my dad, the more I realized she was wanting me to hate him along with her. It was the "two against one" theory. I didn't hate my dad and even if he did all these bad things, I did not want to know about them. I just wanted to have my dad.

As I grew older and got out on my own and had my own interpersonal relationships, I started to realize that perhaps my mother was very controlling. She was protective as well, but where does that protective trait and controlling trait overlap? Was she trying to protect me from an abusive father or was she controlling my thoughts? I would later realize that my father was not the man she made him out to be. I would also suspect that perhaps my mom suffered from some personality disorder as well. I could not prove this, I could only surmise this from reading.

Bottom line is that I love both my parents, they have faults as well. I dislike that my mom tried to persuade me to hate my dad. They are both still my mom and dad though and I love both of them.

For parents that think they are protecting their children from abuse, when it actually is a control issue, be advised...children see things and remember things. I do not like what my ex did to me during our marriage and after, but that does not mean he is not the father of our son. Our son will still love both parents, we are the ones that made it possible for him to be here.

Stop trying to place your children in the middle of your own cause and let them be children who can love both parents. Let them grow up to decide for themselves. Your influence may very well backfire on you.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

An argument about PAS

What is it with these "PAS does not exist groups"?

I received this comment and I would like to expand on it.

PAS is fake syndrome made up by Richard gardner, a man who claimed pedophilia is good and that the only problem was when the non pedo parents complained. One should get the facts and not be taken in by a few statements which make untrue claims.Check out Richard gardner and get the truth.CHILD ABUSE is beating a child, raping a child and killing a child. Forcing a child to live with an abusive parent is abuse.A child knows the truth and a child love is not destroyed by another but when a parent is abusive than it is natural the child might not want to be with that parent but even than many children will still lave the abuser.Courts should look in all the evidence and not make assumptions and when the court has the evidence that one parent is lying than to consider that very seriously. No child should be forced to live with abuse and no parent should be prevented from protection the child

While I respect your opinion, I think you are also an alienating parent. Child abuse also encompasses emotional and mental abuse. If you think denying a child their parent, no matter what the partner did to you, you are an alienating parent. As for your claims about Richard Gardner, you are making claims that I would like to see court documents supporting your allegations. Dr. Gardner also committed suicide, so he is not here to defend the allegations that these “PAS does not exist” groups make. There have been several studies done based upon the research that Dr. Gardner did and these studies support that parents will enmesh their children into their world and encourage their children to hate the other parent. If you think this is not abuse, then you are very sadly mistaken. Do you think that alienating parents that encourage, brainwash and enmesh these children to hate and despise a parent is not abuse? Do you think that a child that loved you for 14 years and loved his father as well, suddenly turns against one parent is not an indication of abuse? Answer why a child who loved both parents, had access to both parents, suddenly despises one parent? Do you think that one parent encouraged this child to think “their” way? This is what parental alienation is about.

I am sorry that your ex abused you and possibly your child, but if you think that denying your children to love the other parent is doing them a favor, you may wake up several years later to find yourself the target parent. Children will seek out the other parent one day and you better hope that all your “stories” support how your children will feel.

Supposedly I am an alcoholic, a drug addict, and an abuser, but these have never been proven. I continue my life as I always have and one day, my son will realize the truth. I have found that those who make such far fetched allegations are making statements based upon their own behaviors. It has proven true so far in my case. I am not the one with court documents of arrest and other allegations against me.

Let me ask…why are you so afraid that your children may one day want to seek out the other parent? If everything you claim is true, then you have nothing to worry about. If not then……….

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

Saturday, March 07, 2009

My discussion about the "best interests of the child"

Referring back to a previous post where I copied and pasted the TN law about child custody. I would like to post some of my contradictions about the "best interests of the child" concerning child custody when parental alienation is present. My opinions will follow each section.


36-6-106. Child custody. —

(a) In a suit for annulment, divorce, separate maintenance, or in any other proceeding requiring the court to make a custody determination regarding a minor child, the determination shall be made on the basis of the best interest of the child. The court shall consider all relevant factors, including the following, where applicable:
(1) The love, affection and emotional ties existing between the parents or caregivers and the child;

Children do not hate parents, they want to love both of them. In custody cases where a child does not have a dislike or hatred for a parent, then I believe the judge must make an informed decision. If a child or parent states that the child is afraid of the parent, hates the parent or does not need the other parent, then the courts must look at this further.
(2) The disposition of the parents or caregivers to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, education and other necessary care and the degree to which a parent or caregiver has been the primary caregiver;

In my case, I was the primary caregiver even while married. Our son had regular medical checkups including doctor, specialists, dental and eye appointments. He was given the best education that money could afford, including tutors when needed. He was provided with clothing, toys, and other things children want and do not need and encouraged to participate in extra curricular activities, as long as it did not interfere with his father's visitation. After he went to live with his father, he did not continue regular medical or dental visits, and was encouraged to participate in extra curricular activities that did interfere with my visitation.
(3) The importance of continuity in the child's life and the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment; provided, that, where there is a finding, under subdivision (a)(8), of child abuse, as defined in §
39-15-401 or § 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in § 37-1-602, by one (1) parent, and that a nonperpetrating parent or caregiver has relocated in order to flee the perpetrating parent, that the relocation shall not weigh against an award of custody;
My son lived with me for 14 years in a clean home that provided all the necessities of life. He was given more as I was able to afford. He attended a church weekly and was encouraged to give back to the community as well. My relocation's have been in the same town that our son was born in. Moves have been to better areas of town or bigger apartments until I purchased my home. My ex husband has moved from the area. I do not have any criminal records. I do not have any violations for my driving record. I have not been fired from a job or lapses in employment. My ex husband has those, including domestic violence arrests. I have not remarried since our divorce, my ex husband has remarried at least twice.
(4) The stability of the family unit of the parents or caregivers;

In my case, I have not remarried, my ex has at least twice. I think family courts should investigate the backgrounds of partners as well. Enough said!
(5) The mental and physical health of the parents or caregivers;

Parents who alienate their children DO have some mental health issues.
(6) The home, school and community record of the child;
In my case, our son attended the best schools that I could afford and was on the course of college prep. If and when he needed extra, I paid for tutors as well. The schooling was not included in the child support order. He did community service and attended church as well with me. When he had extra curricular activities that required parental attendance his father was always invited. I can not even get school pictures. Our son's absences from school were minimal to non existent when he lived with me. His record since he lives with his father could border on truancy.
(7) (A) The reasonable preference of the child, if twelve (12) years of age or older;
(B) The court may hear the preference of a younger child on request. The preferences of older children should normally be given greater weight than those of younger children;

This needs to be stricken from this law. A parent that is alienating a child will brainwash a child and the child will state they want to live with the other parent. My experience has been that the judges will listen to this and state they can not make a child live where they do not want to be. Let me ask, when the child says they do not want to go to school, do you allow this as well? Judges must find out why a child requests to live with another parent. Is it true abuse, is it brainwashing, is it because one parent is more lenient than the other, is it because one parent buys more than the other?
(8) Evidence of physical or emotional abuse to the child, to the other parent or to any other person; provided, that, where there are allegations that one (1) parent has committed child abuse, as defined in §
39-15-401 or § 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in § 37-1-602, against a family member, the court shall consider all evidence relevant to the physical and emotional safety of the child, and determine, by a clear preponderance of the evidence, whether such abuse has occurred. The court shall include in its decision a written finding of all evidence, and all findings of facts connected to the evidence. In addition, the court shall, where appropriate, refer any issues of abuse to the juvenile court for further proceedings;
Parental alienation is emotional abuse!
(9) The character and behavior of any other person who resides in or frequents the home of a parent or caregiver and the person's interactions with the child; and

Background checks could be helpful...enough said!
(10) Each parent or caregiver's past and potential for future performance of parenting responsibilities, including the willingness and ability of each of the parents and caregivers to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and both of the child's parents, consistent with the best interest of the child.

Alienating parents will not encourage a relationship between the children and other parent. They will do everything they can to terminate the relationship.
(b) Notwithstanding the provisions of any law to the contrary, the court has jurisdiction to make an initial custody determination regarding a minor child or may modify a prior order of child custody upon finding that the custodial parent has been convicted of or found civilly liable for the intentional and wrongful death of the child's other parent or legal guardian.
(c) As used in this section, “caregiver” has the meaning ascribed to that term in §
37-5-501.
(d) Nothing in subsections (a) and (c) shall be construed to affect or diminish the constitutional rights of parents that may arise during and are inherent in custody proceedings.

[Acts 1995, ch. 428, § 2; 1998, ch. 1003, § 1; 1998, ch. 1095, §§ 2, 3; 2000, ch. 683, § 2; 2007, ch. 245, §§ 1-3.]


Unfortunately the judges do not want to investigate the reasons behind many custody cases. They request that mediation take place as they believe this sets a better tone. Mediation can work, but not in cases of parental alienation. The alienator is a bully, a liar, a manipulator and a con artist who is the master at their game. The laws must change and parental alienation must be recognized as the abuse it is. Until then, children will be living with abusers and the courts will do nothing to stop it.

Parental alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!

A sober thought...link from another blog

I came across this link today. On the left hand side of this blog, there is this statement:

A Sober Thought
The Honorable Judge Gomery
of Canada stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a chid . It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.”

This is what parental alienation is about. One parent teaching their children to hate. Children do not hate instinctively. They are taught either by words, actions or both. The parent who teaches their children to hate the other parent is a danger to their children's mental and emotional health. The courts, judges, Guardian Ad Litem's, and attorney's need to recognize parental alienation and must have the laws that support parental alienation as abuse behind them. This abuse must stop.


Parental Alienation is Abuse! Stop the Abuse!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

HB 0831 by *Jones S. (SB 0829 by *Marrero B.) introduction to the TN General Assembly

This link was brought to my attention about a house/senate bill being considered in the Tennessee General Assembly. According to this link this bill states "Evidence - As introduced, prohibits the admission of any evidence concerning parental alienation syndrome in any proceeding involving a custody determination of a minor child. - Amends TCA Title 24, Chapter 7 and Title 36." According to TN law concerning custody determination, I came across this link. For chapter 36-6-106. Child custody it states:

36-6-106. Child custody. —

(a) In a suit for annulment, divorce, separate maintenance, or in any other proceeding requiring the court to make a custody determination regarding a minor child, the determination shall be made on the basis of the best interest of the child. The court shall consider all relevant factors, including the following, where applicable:
(1) The love, affection and emotional ties existing between the parents or caregivers and the child;
(2) The disposition of the parents or caregivers to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, education and other necessary care and the degree to which a parent or caregiver has been the primary caregiver;
(3) The importance of continuity in the child's life and the length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment; provided, that, where there is a finding, under subdivision (a)(8), of child abuse, as defined in §
39-15-401 or § 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in § 37-1-602, by one (1) parent, and that a nonperpetrating parent or caregiver has relocated in order to flee the perpetrating parent, that the relocation shall not weigh against an award of custody;
(4) The stability of the family unit of the parents or caregivers;
(5) The mental and physical health of the parents or caregivers;
(6) The home, school and community record of the child;
(7) (A) The reasonable preference of the child, if twelve (12) years of age or older;
(B) The court may hear the preference of a younger child on request. The preferences of older children should normally be given greater weight than those of younger children;
(8) Evidence of physical or emotional abuse to the child, to the other parent or to any other person; provided, that, where there are allegations that one (1) parent has committed child abuse, as defined in §
39-15-401 or § 39-15-402, or child sexual abuse, as defined in § 37-1-602, against a family member, the court shall consider all evidence relevant to the physical and emotional safety of the child, and determine, by a clear preponderance of the evidence, whether such abuse has occurred. The court shall include in its decision a written finding of all evidence, and all findings of facts connected to the evidence. In addition, the court shall, where appropriate, refer any issues of abuse to the juvenile court for further proceedings;
(9) The character and behavior of any other person who resides in or frequents the home of a parent or caregiver and the person's interactions with the child; and
(10) Each parent or caregiver's past and potential for future performance of parenting responsibilities, including the willingness and ability of each of the parents and caregivers to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and both of the child's parents, consistent with the best interest of the child.
(b) Notwithstanding the provisions of any law to the contrary, the court has jurisdiction to make an initial custody determination regarding a minor child or may modify a prior order of child custody upon finding that the custodial parent has been convicted of or found civilly liable for the intentional and wrongful death of the child's other parent or legal guardian.
(c) As used in this section, “caregiver” has the meaning ascribed to that term in §
37-5-501.
(d) Nothing in subsections (a) and (c) shall be construed to affect or diminish the constitutional rights of parents that may arise during and are inherent in custody proceedings.

[Acts 1995, ch. 428, § 2; 1998, ch. 1003, § 1; 1998, ch. 1095, §§ 2, 3; 2000, ch. 683, § 2; 2007, ch. 245, §§ 1-3.]

This bill would contradict the 36-6-106 Child Custody rules that already exist. I looked at section 10 which states: (10) Each parent or caregiver's past and potential for future performance of parenting responsibilities, including the willingness and ability of each of the parents and caregivers to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship between the child and both of the child's parents, consistent with the best interest of the child. A parent who is participating in alienating the child from the other parent does not facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the child and other parent. Alienating parents are obsessed with intentionally destroying the relationship between the child and the targeted parent. The alienating parent will lie to the child about the targeted parent’s true feelings. They will encourage the child to believe that the targeted parent is harmful. They will attempt to erase the targeted parent from the child’s life. This is NOT encouraging a close and continuing relationship between the child and both parents.

I could argue most of the other points as well, but I think the above is important. Whomever came up with this bill for consideration has not researched parental alienation thoroughly. If this bill were to pass, children in the state of Tennessee will suffer the most.

If you reside in Tennessee, contact your lawmakers and urge them to vote against this bill for consideration.

Parental Alienation is abuse! Stop the abuse!